I was the snotty teenage stepdaughter

19 years ago

In reading this forum, I have to laugh - because so much of what is described was me.

My mother abandoned me and my two brothers to the custody of our father when I was not quite a year old. He stayed single for years, but remarried when I was 9. That didn't go over so well. Up until that point, we had no rules, no limits, no nothing - and were happy. Then stepmother #1 came along. Her kids were grown, she was a little older. She had expectations, and DEMANDS. All my 9 year old brain could comprehend was that she was dictating my father's every move. He was no longer a man, just some strange puppet for this fire-breathing, inhuman creature, known as "the stepmother". I didn't hate her, I just didn't want her controlling my life. Well, she didn't for very long, and we all were happy, well almost all, if memory serves, my Dad was devastated.

Enter Stepmother #2. I was 15 when this woman came into my life. She seemed really nice, and she was, actually. But she didn't realize what she was getting herself into. For pretty much my entire life (with the exception of Step#1's time), I had never had anyone dictating what I should do. Never. My dad and I had an agreement, not a good one, but I sure loved it at the time "You do your thing, I'll do mine - leave my life alone, I'll do the same in return". So, after years of staying out all night, drinking, and doing whatever, again, someone wants to come along and change everything. And she did, for awhile. Exit stepmom #2.

Had I realized the totality of my actions, I never would have been so self absorbed as to cause so much devastation. Truth is, very few children or teenagers can see anything but their own life, their own happiness. They think their life is over because of one bad day. They have no concept of tomorrow or 20 years from now. Had I known I would have driven my father to a life of solitude, robbed him of his chance to love and be loved; I would have made some serious changes, but I couldn't and I didn't. When I left home and wed, I could finally see what I had done. I worried about him being alone; who is cooking for him? will he see a doctor if he sick? is he lonely? My father died not long afterward.Hind sight is always 20/20, right?

So, step-parents, take it from someone who was once that child that ticks you off so greatly - they only see themselves. It's not you, it is circumstance. One day, they will grow up, and unless you are truly a monster, they will see what it is that you bring to the family and that it is much bigger than they are. By the way, all you stepmoms out there who don't understand the feelings these kids have for their biomoms that are losers - it's not really that at all. If your own mother can't see fit to love you, then what the hell is this woman doing?

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Comments (7)

sweeby
19 years ago
Thank you Sara, for writing this - That took guts.

And if you're still feeling guilty (it sounds like maybe you are), then give yourself permission to let it go. You've clearly grown into a responsible adult with a more mature perspective, and no doubt, you can see how your father's inability to set limits when you were very young caused your later refusal to accept them. I'm sorry it cost him his shot at marital happiness, but maybe by sharing your story, some other parents here can prevent themselves from re-writing it.
sunnygardenerme
19 years ago
sarajk28, I am glad you were able to write. Many of us step parents struggle each day to do and say the right things to our SK. Over the last few years I often felt like I was going crazy. Why was it everything I did was wrong? Why did the day to day things in life seem like such a big deal to the SKs? Why did it always seem like everything was drama? Why did they say and do such hurtful things to cause stress in our marriage? In the back of my mind I knew the SKs often set things up to cause trouble, but in my heart I did not want to believe that my DH's flesh and blood could be so self centered and cold. Why would they not want there dad happy? Why would they want him back with the woman (their mom) who hurt him so very bad and treated him so terribly. Why would they not want their dad to have the best, someone who cared about him and wanted him happy? Why would they want him alone, when life is so short? I guess your right, kids are kids, self centered and cruel at times. Thanks for comfirming that many of my thoughts and feelings over the years were correct. Thanks for being truthful.
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mom2emall
18 years ago
As I read this post I think of a lot of the problems we post about on this forum. I really think this is a good look at how a stepchild can feel, especially when one of their parents has already voluntarily walked out on them.
thesecondwivesclub
18 years ago
Did you ever contact your 2 ex-stepmothers to explain things to them? or heaven forbid, apologize for destroying their marriages?

When I was reading your post, honestly I wished that I
had the courage that your stepmothers had to end their marriages to your father. Recently over the past year, both
of my step-children, who are now adults, have changed considerably, and with absolutely no explanation, have wanted to be a part of our family, and have wanted to have a friendship with me.

It's just such a tragedy that it took so many years.
I am exhausted from all the conflict, all of the nastiness.
It destroyed all of the joy that we once had in our marriage. My husband and I are congenial roommates, with a good business relationship, and a friendly companionship.
The one time great romance--has long ago crumbled from
the constant pressure from his children. Everything was a battle--EVERYTHING. My husband says that I shouldn't ask any questions, but now that they are in serious relationships, would it be okay if I treated their fiancees the way that they treated me? I'm sure that their entrance into serious relations is part of what caused them to change their tunes. And I am being a warm and gushy dutiful wife and step-mother, and acting like nothing was ever any different--my stepdaughter wants cooking lessons and shopping trips, and weekend visits with her boyfriend, etc. And I smile, just like I should. But I have cried millions of tears, and if I had been a little stronger, I would have left them all a long time ago.
sweeby
18 years ago
Hey SecondWives --

I can see why you're so angry, after having been treated so badly all those years.
But they were children, behaving like selfish little children.
It sounds like now they've finally grown up enough to realize, like Sara did, that they were wrong and selfish and short-sighted.

Forgive and forget if you can.
If you can't, get some therapy to work through your anger and come to terms with it.
Don't let that anger poison your future happiness. You've already been through the hard part!
imamommy
18 years ago
Sweeby is right, and now that they are grown, is there any chance to rekindle your one time great romance? I would consider couple's therapy or a retreat. It takes time to break down barriers that build up when things are tough, but behind those barriers is something worth going after. You've stuck it out all those years and I wouldn't settle for congenial roommates until everything had been tried. It's never too late.
jerseystepmom
18 years ago
To sarajk28 -- thanks for telling your story. I have an almost 21y/o SD who has been a horror. My husband holds out hope for her and is again reaching out to her, but I still have memories of the summer she lived with us (college summer) and stole my things -- everything from underwear to jewelry and then lied about it. She has an entitlement attitude that her mother fully supports (which drives the wedge deeper), etc. etc. Well she did spend an evening with my husband recently (the first in a very long time) and they talked and both felt good about it being a new start. Problem is.....how do I just let her back? She lied, stole and is a spoiled brat. And, she came into my life as a "snotty teenage stepdaughter" -- so I don't have the image of the precious little innocent girl to remember. I just think she is a psychopath like her mom.......

I guess the question is -- how does one prove that they have truly changed? And does it mean I sacrifice my sense of security to test the waters (and if she didn't change, there goes my stuff and worse, another heartache for her Dad)

I was the snotty teenage stepdaughter

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sweeby

sunnygardenerme

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