I was the snotty teenage stepdaughter

17 years ago

In reading this forum, I have to laugh - because so much of what is described was me.

My mother abandoned me and my two brothers to the custody of our father when I was not quite a year old. He stayed single for years, but remarried when I was 9. That didn't go over so well. Up until that point, we had no rules, no limits, no nothing - and were happy. Then stepmother #1 came along. Her kids were grown, she was a little older. She had expectations, and DEMANDS. All my 9 year old brain could comprehend was that she was dictating my father's every move. He was no longer a man, just some strange puppet for this fire-breathing, inhuman creature, known as "the stepmother". I didn't hate her, I just didn't want her controlling my life. Well, she didn't for very long, and we all were happy, well almost all, if memory serves, my Dad was devastated.

Enter Stepmother #2. I was 15 when this woman came into my life. She seemed really nice, and she was, actually. But she didn't realize what she was getting herself into. For pretty much my entire life (with the exception of Step#1's time), I had never had anyone dictating what I should do. Never. My dad and I had an agreement, not a good one, but I sure loved it at the time "You do your thing, I'll do mine - leave my life alone, I'll do the same in return". So, after years of staying out all night, drinking, and doing whatever, again, someone wants to come along and change everything. And she did, for awhile. Exit stepmom #2.

Had I realized the totality of my actions, I never would have been so self absorbed as to cause so much devastation. Truth is, very few children or teenagers can see anything but their own life, their own happiness. They think their life is over because of one bad day. They have no concept of tomorrow or 20 years from now. Had I known I would have driven my father to a life of solitude, robbed him of his chance to love and be loved; I would have made some serious changes, but I couldn't and I didn't. When I left home and wed, I could finally see what I had done. I worried about him being alone; who is cooking for him? will he see a doctor if he sick? is he lonely? My father died not long afterward.Hind sight is always 20/20, right?

So, step-parents, take it from someone who was once that child that ticks you off so greatly - they only see themselves. It's not you, it is circumstance. One day, they will grow up, and unless you are truly a monster, they will see what it is that you bring to the family and that it is much bigger than they are. By the way, all you stepmoms out there who don't understand the feelings these kids have for their biomoms that are losers - it's not really that at all. If your own mother can't see fit to love you, then what the hell is this woman doing?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

sweeby
17 years ago
Thank you Sara, for writing this - That took guts.

And if you're still feeling guilty (it sounds like maybe you are), then give yourself permission to let it go. You've clearly grown into a responsible adult with a more mature perspective, and no doubt, you can see how your father's inability to set limits when you were very young caused your later refusal to accept them. I'm sorry it cost him his shot at marital happiness, but maybe by sharing your story, some other parents here can prevent themselves from re-writing it.
sunnygardenerme
17 years ago
sarajk28, I am glad you were able to write. Many of us step parents struggle each day to do and say the right things to our SK. Over the last few years I often felt like I was going crazy. Why was it everything I did was wrong? Why did the day to day things in life seem like such a big deal to the SKs? Why did it always seem like everything was drama? Why did they say and do such hurtful things to cause stress in our marriage? In the back of my mind I knew the SKs often set things up to cause trouble, but in my heart I did not want to believe that my DH's flesh and blood could be so self centered and cold. Why would they not want there dad happy? Why would they want him back with the woman (their mom) who hurt him so very bad and treated him so terribly. Why would they not want their dad to have the best, someone who cared about him and wanted him happy? Why would they want him alone, when life is so short? I guess your right, kids are kids, self centered and cruel at times. Thanks for comfirming that many of my thoughts and feelings over the years were correct. Thanks for being truthful.
Related Discussions
14 y/o stepdaughter - habitual liar!!!
Q
Comments (32)
Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.
...See More
Trying to figure out how to be a good adult stepdaughter...
Q
Comments (18)
I don't see/smell any trace that OP is the other woman in her relationship with her father. I feel sorry for the father who lost so much joy with the family due to his insecure, control freak new wife. "Does your husband and his mother go to lunch and other leisure activities without including you? Would it be okay if they did?" - Why is it not OK? This question is beyond silly. In our family, we always have alone time with our parents and children. I still remember the wonderful time and conversation with my own father even it has been 40-50 years. HD was his mother's favorite, they always had private time together when we were on vacation visiting her. We also have great memory spending alone time with our own children in various countries and cities. southernsummer, do your own biological children spend alone time with you or your husband? If they do, does it make them the "other woman or man"? May be because I am the type of person who does not always remember my own birthday, I fail to see the big deal of spending time with your husband exact on your birthday, especially the daughter does not live with the father, and you live with him every single day of the year. Why cannot you find another day to celebrate? In your other posts it seems you have problem over Christmas gifts from your husband to his children. Again, I fail to understand the issues. In our own family we don't see children until Christmas break due to all of us have busy careers. We are so appreciative that they spend vacation and airfares, expenses coming home to see us ( they could well afford traveling to anywhere in the world if they want to). As always, we give high dollar gifts to indirectly compensate the expense they incur. If the once a year gifts impact your financial future, you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, otherwise, why interfere? Relationship between each parent and child is unique, it does not need to be according to others wishes/rules.
...See More
my stepdaughter is a manipulative teenage her father doesnt see
Q
Comments (22)
I wrote this to try to get help with my family or what is left of it. This is the first time I ever posted anything on this forum. So instead of getting help I am getting feed back based on the notion I am a teenager or the same person that wrote something on a wedding. The real issue is that a young girl of 17 has manipulated her entire family to the point that she is now posting blogs on how the ruin your parents life and get anything you want while you do it. Again she doesn't want to spend time with her father her real mother or anyone she justs wants to do what she wants to do.. She is entering her senior year and has no job doesn't want to go to college her father lost his job and he is going into over twenty thousand dollars of credit card debt to continue to keep her in clothes and jewelry he can't nor never could afford he never made more than fifty or sixty thousand dollars a year. He has no health benefits he depends on me and now that she is living with her grandmother I don't even know if she is eligible to stay under my health benefits. She is dating a drug dealer and there is nothing I can do or say about it. Her father says he believes her when she says he never carries drugs or deals drugs when he is with her. Tell me does this seem odd to anyone? I now don't want her in my home anymore in fear that she will bring this home. So since I last wrote these new developments have changed things If my husband doesn't disciple her and I cant how can I let her be around my children or in my home. I love my husband but I have an obligation to keep my children safe and under the new circumstances having her in my home isn't an option.. MY children informed me she was bring drugs in the house and when my son found out he told her he was not only going to tell us but call the police. I am sure she brings things into my mother-in-laws house she is 65 and doesn't speak much English. So although I love my husband my life may have to be on hold until she is 18 in June. She wants to go out and be discovered she is considering working at Disney a character for experience for acting. That is today tomorrow who knows. If I sound bitter I am. I gave this child love, a home, clothes and anything she could want.Including consistence and rules. I was her only parent five to six days a week. Now she has total freedom because know one knows what she does she can lie and they believe it. The fact that she is writing this on her new facebook which her father does think she has since the time she put up naked pictures of her self.Tells you she is really something If she put this to good I swear she could rival Donald Trump
...See More
I LOVE my stepdaughter...
Q
Comments (4)
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so happy to see someone post something that is just purely happy - simple, everyday life stuff - happy. I'm sure there are more women on this site who have these moments, but they never usually seem like the moments that make the posts. From a new very-soon-to-be SM of a young boy (whom I already have a good relationship with), it's a breath of fresh air to read your simply happy post. Thanks again!
...See More
mom2emall
16 years ago
As I read this post I think of a lot of the problems we post about on this forum. I really think this is a good look at how a stepchild can feel, especially when one of their parents has already voluntarily walked out on them.
thesecondwivesclub
16 years ago
Did you ever contact your 2 ex-stepmothers to explain things to them? or heaven forbid, apologize for destroying their marriages?

When I was reading your post, honestly I wished that I
had the courage that your stepmothers had to end their marriages to your father. Recently over the past year, both
of my step-children, who are now adults, have changed considerably, and with absolutely no explanation, have wanted to be a part of our family, and have wanted to have a friendship with me.

It's just such a tragedy that it took so many years.
I am exhausted from all the conflict, all of the nastiness.
It destroyed all of the joy that we once had in our marriage. My husband and I are congenial roommates, with a good business relationship, and a friendly companionship.
The one time great romance--has long ago crumbled from
the constant pressure from his children. Everything was a battle--EVERYTHING. My husband says that I shouldn't ask any questions, but now that they are in serious relationships, would it be okay if I treated their fiancees the way that they treated me? I'm sure that their entrance into serious relations is part of what caused them to change their tunes. And I am being a warm and gushy dutiful wife and step-mother, and acting like nothing was ever any different--my stepdaughter wants cooking lessons and shopping trips, and weekend visits with her boyfriend, etc. And I smile, just like I should. But I have cried millions of tears, and if I had been a little stronger, I would have left them all a long time ago.
sweeby
16 years ago
Hey SecondWives --

I can see why you're so angry, after having been treated so badly all those years.
But they were children, behaving like selfish little children.
It sounds like now they've finally grown up enough to realize, like Sara did, that they were wrong and selfish and short-sighted.

Forgive and forget if you can.
If you can't, get some therapy to work through your anger and come to terms with it.
Don't let that anger poison your future happiness. You've already been through the hard part!
imamommy
16 years ago
Sweeby is right, and now that they are grown, is there any chance to rekindle your one time great romance? I would consider couple's therapy or a retreat. It takes time to break down barriers that build up when things are tough, but behind those barriers is something worth going after. You've stuck it out all those years and I wouldn't settle for congenial roommates until everything had been tried. It's never too late.
jerseystepmom
16 years ago
To sarajk28 -- thanks for telling your story. I have an almost 21y/o SD who has been a horror. My husband holds out hope for her and is again reaching out to her, but I still have memories of the summer she lived with us (college summer) and stole my things -- everything from underwear to jewelry and then lied about it. She has an entitlement attitude that her mother fully supports (which drives the wedge deeper), etc. etc. Well she did spend an evening with my husband recently (the first in a very long time) and they talked and both felt good about it being a new start. Problem is.....how do I just let her back? She lied, stole and is a spoiled brat. And, she came into my life as a "snotty teenage stepdaughter" -- so I don't have the image of the precious little innocent girl to remember. I just think she is a psychopath like her mom.......

I guess the question is -- how does one prove that they have truly changed? And does it mean I sacrifice my sense of security to test the waters (and if she didn't change, there goes my stuff and worse, another heartache for her Dad)

I was the snotty teenage stepdaughter

Comments (7)

sweeby

sunnygardenerme

Related Discussions

mom2emall

thesecondwivesclub

sweeby

imamommy

jerseystepmom

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US