"I give her love and I take care of her but it is so much harder for me to do those things than with my bio kids. I hate that about myself!" I can really relate to those feelings. I used to have them a lot. They were so intense at times, that I thought I was going crazy. I would feel overwhelmed with guilt because I found myself resenting when my SS was with us. I also noticed that I would be less patient with things wit SS than with my DD. I wouldn't show HIM this, but I could feel my blood pressure rising over things he did/didn't do that wouldn't make me blink an eye if DD did them. I think there is a biological urge/instinct that makes us much more tolerant of our own children. It IS a biological thing. It's the same mechanism that enables us to not be bothered by our newborn's cries, or to not be bothered by changing our child's poopy diaper. DD threw up in my car not too long ago and I didn't blink an eye---but if anyone else throws up, I GAG at even the thought! YUCK. We are genetically programmed to love, nurture and protect our own. THAT SAID... for this little girl's sake, and for your own sanity, you have to work through these feelings! And feeling guilty about your feelings will get you know where. What worked for me was slowing down, backing up and saying "why am I upset here? What is the real issue?" It has been my experience that when I'm frustrated about SF issues, there's usually a *deeper* reason than I initially think. If I am frustrated with SS, I can take a step back and realize that my frustration is more with DH or his BM. Just re-focusing my frustration or realizing that it's directed at the wrong person is usually enough for me to regroup and feel okay again. I wonder if you are resentful that your SD is coming to visit her DAD, yet you are the one caring for her most of the time. I know DH has to work, I get that, but I wonder if he couldn't have a more flex schedule when she visits, since it sounds like she's not there very often. I think you don't have a strong bond with her because she's not there enough. It's like babysitting someone else's child for you. (That may be too extreme, but you know what I mean.) So try not to expect too much. I know you want to love her and have your big, happy family, but realize that, given the limited time you have with her, this might never happen. I'm not sayign you can't have a loving relationship with her but if you expect it to be like the one you have with your own children, you are setting yourself up for failure. Give it TIME. I think counseling for you AND DH about blending families would be a GREAT thing.

>>i feel like i`m to blame for his kids turning out the way they have, i feel like i have taken their father away from them as he keeps telling me constantly ...THEY ARE MY KIDS! His youngest was 19 years old when you met him. How are you to blame for the way his kids have turned out? They were already grown when you met them. He wants YOU to adopt his grandson? Um, why doesn't HE adopt his grandson? >>he shouts at me and makes me feel like i`m to blame, if i don't say anything he thinks i don't careAny relationship will take effort, but for the most part it should be a source of comfort and happiness for both parties. If a relationship causes more stress than happiness, then that relationship shouldn't exist.

Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.

I'm not sure if I can give you any good advice, but i am sorry for what you are going through. And you are trying to get pregnant, so you really don't need extra stress. I used to get along well with my stepson, until he moved in with us. Being a step-mom is pretty much impossible I think. I really hope you didn't get that pair of boots for her. My post has a lot of similar issues, and yes, the kids from divorced homes can be expert manipulators. You say you love her and care about her, but you are angry; many step-moms feel the same way. You sound like a caring, sensitive and giving person. You say your husband is 100% supportive but won't say anything to his daughter. Honestly, that is a recurring theme on these posts. I know the bio-parents feel caught in the middle, because I think, they don't want to be the bad guy. I wish i could give you better advice, my only thought is to not to spoil her anymore than she is (the boots thing), state your thoughts clearly and quickly, try to schedule family outings so she does not spend entire weekend chatting on-line. Stop feeling sorry for her, you can't control her mother's household, but I bet your household is feeling a bit controlled by them. I really wish I had something better to say. Maybe you can approach your husband, and say "I'm really concerned about her future" and then mention 1 or 2 specific issues, like getting her to shower everyday when she is at your house. But, this has to be announced by him and enforced by him. Start with this, she may turn around a little bit. But if he won't, then I think you have more frustration and anger ahead of you. Try some counseling. Best of luck, I hope things will get better.