I think some kids of divorce hold on to slights (real or imagined) forever. My daughter and son were 9 & 7 when their father and I divorced. They are in their 40's now. Despite our best efforts, one rolled with the punches and the other one to this day still has little flashes of resentment. It sounds like your husband -and you too - stayed very involved in her life, making the best of a situation he chose to be able to make a living. You always hope that once kids grow up and start looking at life through grown up eyes, they'll realize things are not always the black and white of their youth. So at 29 years old, if she still suffers abandonment issues, it's way beyond time for her to own them. It may be that she's sensed your husband guilt in this regard and is playing on it. The fact that you still have family vacations is wonderful. But the fact that a 29 year old woman feels that EVERY vacation you take needs to include her, IS unnerving. I can see how that would be disturbing to you. It's like a spin off of Arrested Development! You can't really control what she thinks or says or does. You can only control how you react to it. And I think the less reaction, the better? She is likely just trying to call your bluff, but If she is silly enough to go to the same place on her own, just tell her you can probably get together for dinner one night and leave it at that. Fortunately it seems your husband also finds her behavior odd. Think how whacked out you'd be if he was agreeing with HER all the time!!

Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.

((((Bugfarm)))) You tried with her and it was set up against you from the start. All through your postings one question kept going through my mind: where is the mother? You answered in the final post: absent. The biomom, as you say hasn't "contributed one dime to the kid's upbringing" nor does it sound like she contributed much else. Your stepdaughter is enormously angry and has little self esteem or she wouldn't be taking those pictures. Self-confidence and self-esteem come from a parent paying very close attention to a child and personalities are formed in the first few years. Inattention can have serious repercussions, as you've seen, and even result in psychiatric disorders. Some children with strong personalities simply take over the house when the parents abdicate. She doesn't trust anyone and she's learned that she can feel in control through manipulation and bad behavior, as flawed as her logic may be. She doesn't trust you because she can't trust her own mother. If you feel you've done the best you can with her, and it sounds like you have, then put your mind at rest and work on restoring harmony in your marriage. Your husband stepped in but it sounds as if he's let you do most of the work for a long time. I hope he's apologized for the physical abuse you endured. That is unacceptable that you would have to live in fear in that way under any circumstances. That should be made clear in the future. Bless you, because you obviously had the strength and determination to try to do what you felt was right. Ultimately though, his daughter is his responsibility, not yours even though she's been living in your house. You love him and you stood in. But the stepmother simply isn't part of "the family of origin." Even with much more well adjusted children I've found this to be true. Few of them will accept what you have to say and perhaps its time for you to stop trying at all. Wash your hands of her and let him step in and deal with her in the future. Of course you love her or you wouldn't have tried so hard. I think the poster who suggested there's another side to the story doesn't get this at all.

I really like Sylvia's suggestion, however, eventually your wrists get all kinds of bumps, bruises and scars. Not a particularly good thing, unless you want to look like a soon-to-be psych patient by the end of the week. Been there done that!!! From what I've read it's completely natural to sit there and obsess about what she thinks. I do it myself, and Jerri on your line: "In my case, bm does bad mouth me to sd and my dh. She often fabricates stuff that I supposedly did  how can I not be bugged about that? I believe that she is mentally and verbally abusive to her daughter and I worry that her live in boy friend is too. How can I not worry about that?" Ditto. I know they're abusive to my SD, and I sit and dwell on it ALL weekend when she's there. We literally sleep with our cell phones on the bed just in case she needs us to come get her! I know this isn't healthy, and I have to say I'm in agreement with everyone about our "controlling" personalities (we're mothers! of course we want to be in control of things!). I think that's WHY we sit and dwell on this. We can't control this other entity, and it's annoying as hell. We work so hard to be there for these children and then BM comes along and with a few words can turn a happy child into a loathing, obnoxious creature towards us. All because she can. "well what's she doing now?" "what is she saying now?" "why the hell is she looking at MY man that way?" and most importantly "Who the hell does she think she is walking into my home and plopping her ass down on the sofa like she owns the place??!!??" Could it be that we admire them? Probably not. WE obviously have what they wanted at some point and don't now. Admire a woman who abuses her child and/or lets someone else abuse her child. HELL no! Admire a woman who will use her child as a weapon or a bartering tool? I'd rather slam my boobs in the car door!