problems with my stepdaughter

19 years ago

I really need a good advice. I have a stepdaughter, who is 11 years old. My husband and me are married for almost 6 years. We do not have children. ItÂs not that we are not trying, it just hasnÂt happened yet. I have difficulties with getting pregnant. His ex-wife and us used to live in different states. My stepdaughter used to travel to be with us all the time. She would spend most of the summer with us, as well as all school vacations and some weekends. I love her with all my heart. Her mother is a nice woman and we do have civil relationship with her.

Few month ago we moved to the same location to live closer to my stepdaughter. Now she spends a lot of time with us. I think, we have a lot of problems now! Sometimes, I feel so angry and desperate! She is very intelligent girl, very humorous and she is so much fun to be with! There are so many good things about her! But I am very worried about some of her qualities.

She is a true daughter of divorced parents. She honestly believes that she can get absolutely anything out of them. And she usually does. It is not a secret she is extremely spoiled. But this is not what I am worried about the most. She is very self-centered and she doesnÂt care about others, whatsoever! I understand that most kids are this way, but, in my opinion, these issues should be addressed. I want her to be a good, kind person, help others. Being smart is not going to get her anywhere if she doesnÂt have good heart! She is also SO lazy! She spends in a bed an entire weekend, chatting with her friends on-line. Her mother is like this too. Her house is absolutely filthiest place I have ever seen. Her mother doesnÂt teach her anything! They hardly ever have any food at the house. IÂve seen her refrigerator completely empty couple times. How is it possible when you have a kid at the house?

I really want to change this. My husband is 100% supportive. But he will not say anything when he should. He really let everything go. So, it is only I trying to address all the issues. So far, I had no success. Well, finally I can get her to take a shower every other day, but this is it pretty much. Oh, and at the other day my SD asked me to get her boots, even though they were literally 5 feet away. She said she was too busy talking to her friends on-line and her mother was waiting outside to pick her up. I felt like I was a maid.

I really, really love her and care about her, but I am so angry with her sometimes. I can feel that she is angry with me too. I donÂt know how to handle this anymore.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

garden_wench
19 years ago
I'm not sure if I can give you any good advice, but i am sorry for what you are going through. And you are trying to get pregnant, so you really don't need extra stress. I used to get along well with my stepson, until he moved in with us. Being a step-mom is pretty much impossible I think. I really hope you didn't get that pair of boots for her. My post has a lot of similar issues, and yes, the kids from divorced homes can be expert manipulators. You say you love her and care about her, but you are angry; many step-moms feel the same way. You sound like a caring, sensitive and giving person.
You say your husband is 100% supportive but won't say anything to his daughter. Honestly, that is a recurring theme on these posts. I know the bio-parents feel caught in the middle, because I think, they don't want to be the bad guy.
I wish i could give you better advice, my only thought is to not to spoil her anymore than she is (the boots thing), state your thoughts clearly and quickly, try to schedule family outings so she does not spend entire weekend chatting on-line. Stop feeling sorry for her, you can't control her mother's household, but I bet your household is feeling a bit controlled by them.
I really wish I had something better to say. Maybe you can approach your husband, and say "I'm really concerned about her future" and then mention 1 or 2 specific issues, like getting her to shower everyday when she is at your house. But, this has to be announced by him and enforced by him. Start with this, she may turn around a little bit. But if he won't, then I think you have more frustration and anger ahead of you. Try some counseling.
Best of luck, I hope things will get better.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
Disable the computer or put it in your trunk & spend the day at a spa.
Related Discussions
Grandson sleeping over
Q
Comments (1)
sorry, posted in wrong forum and don't know how to delete.reposted in step-family forum. Isabelle
...See More
I need to talk about my adult step-daughter
Q
Comments (5)
Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.
...See More
Major problem with stepdaughter
Q
Comments (8)
No promises that it will work 100%, but another thing you could try is something along the lines of what cops are trained to do in disarming hostage-takers, etc. They do a series of things to basically calm the hostile party down, defuse the situationand prevent it from escalating. It doesn't always work, but soemtimes it does. And if it can work on some grown violent men with worldly experience, it surely seems possible that it can work on this little girl. What that often comes down to is asking the person what their goals are with all the crap they're pulling. This is often a major first step b/c a lot of times being listened to is a major part of what they wanted in the first place, and the lack of which has driven them to the extreme behavior in the first place. Or at the very least, it's often a chance to reality-check their goals out loud to soemone to realize how unrealistic the goals are, or at least how faulty their methods are for achieving those goals. Then it's a back-and-forth negotiation to see if there's any reasonable way the party can get any of their goals met with minimum damage to others. i.e. "No, you can't have 10 million dollars, but we won't shoot you if you let the hostages go." Or in your case: "No, we can't just send SM to pasture, but we can figure out ways for us all to get along and be happy and get special time, etc. without you usng your little dial fingers to call DFCS." Along these lines, I have found that people who resort to extreme negative behavior based on a sense of competition ---whether it's members of a stepfamily, or women in the office--- do so mainly for one or both of two reasons: 1. They believe that the party they are hostile to has the power to take away someone or something important to them, and that this is a real and present risk. (In the workplace: a coveted promotion or raise; in the stepfamily: relationship with the bio-parent/new spouse in common.) 2. They believe that their hostile action has the power to prevent the dreaded loss from occuring. If the hostile party (or parties) can be convinced that neither is true or possible, the negative behavior will usually cease. Because there will be seen to be no payoff from it, nor any need for it in the first place. This is why a punishment wherein SD is denied a relationship with her father would backfire big time: because it proves #1 to be actually true, thus upping the ante and making #2 more of a tempting and likely possibility. The goal is to make it crystal-clear that there is nothing SD risks losing by having SM in the picture, that SM is not a hostile party, and that there is nothing SD has to gain from being a hostile party herself. The more insight can be gleaned about what SD's goals are, the better. because stepfamilies are very complex, especially for the children in the middle of them, it's likely more than one goal, or even conflicted goals. Obviously she wants more attention from Dad, but she may also want approval from Mom (especially if Mom is in any way encouraging or rewarding her when she does the negative behaviors). She may also be testing the stepfamily situation out to see how stable it is, and comparing which of her two households wants her most. She may be feeling a profound sense of having no control over anything in her life, or being outnumbered, so she seeks to feel in control over her brother's feelings and by calling DFCS. In this case, she needs activities which are healthy little "domains" for her to feel some control over. She may simply be bored and in need of other outlets for her imagination and energy. Any and all of these things are strong possibilites... the more you know what they are, the more discussions you have with her, the more constructive things she's given to do with her energy and the more the positive things are rewarded and the negative things are discouraged, the better are the chances of getting her to give up the negative behaviors.
...See More
Nightmare Step Kids
Q
Comments (6)
I agree with brass tacks in what she asked about. Why your wife goes behind your back and goes against what both have you agreed on. In reality, besides the resentment that will grow in you, she is also making you seem like the 'bad' guy and her the good one on their sides and forming a stronger bond. An illusion for her because her kids are basically manipulating her. i think if you stay, you will have to talk about this. What i dont understand is why your wife doesn't want to talk about her daughters bad behaviour. THe way i see it, its seems to bother you more than her when it comes to belly piercings, late nights, etc..etc. These are not your kids to decipline. Even if she has let you, your setting yourself up. As a child growing up, i resented any discipline coming from my stepmother. And now as a stepmother of 2 kids, i have told my husband and his kids i will not discipline. I demand respect because i give respect to all of them but its not my job to ground them. That's up to their mother and father. This is what i mean about her letting you and making you the bad guy. Let her handle her kids cra*p! Its not your job. Concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Does she love you? ARe you losing your trust? Do you always let her go into your wallet? The kids hate you because you are discipling. Stop it! Let their mother do it. I know you are concerned about them and their well being. Yes they are a package. But there are instructions on special packages and this is what you have opened. The instructions are not being followed. Or they were not written properly between you and your wife. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss some rules and of course your feelings. How is your wife taking it when her kids are leaving the house and blaming you? Is she resentful or couldnt' care less? Very important, please dont take the blame. These are teenagers. Walking hormones with nasty temper tantrums...been there..done that!:) You are not the one splitting them apart. Your wifes decisions are. By going against what you both decided, she is underminding your cohesiveness as a united front. This is bad when it comes to dealing with kids. You must be united. If she cannot do this. Then its time to go. If she cannot correct this...then its time to go. If it doesn't bother her that her kids are leaving and couldnt care less if they like you or not...you can continue but i dont know how you would feel knowing she is like this.
...See More
brass_tacks
19 years ago
Oxana,
What you describe seems to be so common with so many kids in today's culture. The parents work and the children play. If you would talk to someone, like maybe your parent's ages, you'll find out why this is. Taking away the computer, cell phones, etc. etc. shouldn't mean a punishment. It's a way of life that we could talk about. If you and your husband can't figure this out, you'll not be able to do anything about it. Go figure out just what it is about this generation that seems to be so lacking in accountability and then make some decisions. Your eleven year old is not beyond your reach.
amimean
19 years ago
Hello Oxana,

I have to say that reading about your situation really hits home. I have a stepdaughter who is 13. I have been married for 9 years. The difference is that I have 2 children. My stepdaughter moved in with us a year ago and we have been fighting since. Our marriage wasn't perfect before but we were happy and very rarely argued. I strongly believe that nothing is going to change. I can either learn to live with the way things are or take my children and leave. It is so unfair. I know that my husband loves me and our children but he will never have her leave. I feel like he has chosen her over our family. The worst part is that he only met her a few years ago. They have absolutely no relationship other than her asking for things and him saying yes. I feel like giving up. When you have your own children all of the problems get worse and new ones arise.
coolmama
19 years ago
You need to be somewhat of a b***h.Sorry,but there's no other way to say it.If you dont,believe me,it will build up to the point where you resent his daughter and not want her there at all.
Next time she asks you for her "boots" or something else,Tell her,"Sorry I'm busy cleaning up (or whatever)and dont have time to wait on you." After a few times,she'll get the hint,even if she doesnt like it or gets mad at you. But,she'll get over it.The important thing is that your husband reinforces the actions.He need not say something to her mom,but when she is at your house~she will follow YOUR rules.My husband is the same way with one of his daughters,he never disaplines her and lets her be completely lazy.So...I end up being a b***h the whole time. We have had alot of fights about it.He is just NOW starting to be her parent and not her friend.
issol
19 years ago
Haha...next time she tells you to get her boots, ignore her! If she wants to treat you like crap, treat her like a child.
Unfortunately, you seem to be the only one trying her. The bad part about that is children of divorced parents feel like they dont have to listen to the steps. Your husband and her mother are the ones who have to do this. And you know what to do, strict firm punishment. Do not enable bad behavior, etc. But if her bio parents arent enforcing it, you are in a bad situation. Get your husband and her mom together, sit down and have a good long talk. Dont tell her mom what she needs to do because then she'll feel as though you are telling her how to raise the little girl. If you cant get anything out of her mom, then it's up to you and your husband. If your husband doesnt want to do anything then all three of you are going to have SERIOUS problems when she hits 13-14. All in all...this isnt fair to YOU. It's your turn to be selfish. Make Mom and Dad step up because you cant do it on your own.
mambatam
17 years ago
I just had to post a message in response to the last post because anyone who advocates a step-parent be selfish has got serious problems! The last thing a child whose lost their intact family because their parents got divorced is another selfish adult in their life. These children are HURTING terribly! What they need is a lot of LOVE! They need a POSITIVE role model in their life and if that means putting your needs and wants on hold for awhile (like having a baby) then that's what you need to do. Not only that, you cannot, and I repeat, CANNOT force or make anyone behave a certain way. I am especially appalled at the last sentence, "Make mom and dad step up" hello????? First of all, a step-parent or any person for that matter cannot "make" anyone do anything. Secondly, a step-parent has no business telling a bio parent how to parent. Third, stop acting like a victim and acknowledge the fact that as a step-parent you CHOSE to be in this situation! You chose to marry into a broken family. You chose to marry someone who had children and you think there isn't going to be problems???? The best advice I could give you is to STOP focusing on things out of your control and focus instead on yourself. You control your feelings, attitude and emotions and despite the circumstances you can be happy IF you want too. Unfortunately, and maybe it isn't "fair" you are not the most important person here, the child is.

problems with my stepdaughter

Comments (7)

garden_wench

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

brass_tacks

amimean

coolmama

issol

mambatam

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US