You hit the nail on the head, evillesbian. I get the "you're picking on her" or "nitpicking". Uggh. She didn't forget that I told her I'd give her a dollar for helping me clean the house 6 months ago, you're right about that. But she "forgets" to brush her teeth. DH clams up when I get onto her. I have done everything from being the main one to correct to deciding I've had enough and not doing anything. When I did that, nothing got done. She actually went 4 days with no shower (which by the way, she was being given a bath at 5 1/2 by Grandma)and at 6 p.m. was still in her pj's. He gives me full reign to do whatever, but overcompensates as "Good Guy" when I do. He'll baby her. He has lately begun to realize that she will lie just to get attention but seems to ignore it a good bit because he doesn't know what to do with her. He did say he wished he had seen her around other children earlier so he could have seen how different she is. He doesn't get mad at me for the way I correct, but it's often not worth it because his babying "un-do's" everything!! We've wanted a "label" for her for a quick fix. I now know that's not the right thing. It's a minute by minute case with this child.

Hi all, I'm new. I just want to say that many of the issues you mention really aren't YOUR issues. Things like her fraudulant lawsuits for example. I have an ex who's always frauding someone...but it's not my problem. The system will catch up and when it does, they'll have to pay somehow. You need to focus on dealing with the children when they're in your care, and disregard what they do in her care, unless they're in danger. You seem to have stopped the spanking but maybe you should make their Dad handle all the discipline. You could even try a "wait until your father gets home" stance when they are in your care and your husband is away. Once you stop engaging with them, they will stop engaging with you. You've only been married two years, so you have a long road ahead. Your nit-picky issues are just that, little nit-picky issues. I'd blow them off and laugh it off as a jealous bio-mom...those do exists sometimes. You know YOU and those around you know YOU...don't waste your time focusing on what she says or does. Keep documenting everything and always anticipate the worst, but hope for the best. If the relationship with the girls is broken, I'd really try mending it. If you're interested in some ways, let me know, maybe we can get creative. If you plan to stay married, you really need to get along with his kids, they don't go away after they turn 18, only the CS.

No promises that it will work 100%, but another thing you could try is something along the lines of what cops are trained to do in disarming hostage-takers, etc. They do a series of things to basically calm the hostile party down, defuse the situationand prevent it from escalating. It doesn't always work, but soemtimes it does. And if it can work on some grown violent men with worldly experience, it surely seems possible that it can work on this little girl. What that often comes down to is asking the person what their goals are with all the crap they're pulling. This is often a major first step b/c a lot of times being listened to is a major part of what they wanted in the first place, and the lack of which has driven them to the extreme behavior in the first place. Or at the very least, it's often a chance to reality-check their goals out loud to soemone to realize how unrealistic the goals are, or at least how faulty their methods are for achieving those goals. Then it's a back-and-forth negotiation to see if there's any reasonable way the party can get any of their goals met with minimum damage to others. i.e. "No, you can't have 10 million dollars, but we won't shoot you if you let the hostages go." Or in your case: "No, we can't just send SM to pasture, but we can figure out ways for us all to get along and be happy and get special time, etc. without you usng your little dial fingers to call DFCS." Along these lines, I have found that people who resort to extreme negative behavior based on a sense of competition ---whether it's members of a stepfamily, or women in the office--- do so mainly for one or both of two reasons: 1. They believe that the party they are hostile to has the power to take away someone or something important to them, and that this is a real and present risk. (In the workplace: a coveted promotion or raise; in the stepfamily: relationship with the bio-parent/new spouse in common.) 2. They believe that their hostile action has the power to prevent the dreaded loss from occuring. If the hostile party (or parties) can be convinced that neither is true or possible, the negative behavior will usually cease. Because there will be seen to be no payoff from it, nor any need for it in the first place. This is why a punishment wherein SD is denied a relationship with her father would backfire big time: because it proves #1 to be actually true, thus upping the ante and making #2 more of a tempting and likely possibility. The goal is to make it crystal-clear that there is nothing SD risks losing by having SM in the picture, that SM is not a hostile party, and that there is nothing SD has to gain from being a hostile party herself. The more insight can be gleaned about what SD's goals are, the better. because stepfamilies are very complex, especially for the children in the middle of them, it's likely more than one goal, or even conflicted goals. Obviously she wants more attention from Dad, but she may also want approval from Mom (especially if Mom is in any way encouraging or rewarding her when she does the negative behaviors). She may also be testing the stepfamily situation out to see how stable it is, and comparing which of her two households wants her most. She may be feeling a profound sense of having no control over anything in her life, or being outnumbered, so she seeks to feel in control over her brother's feelings and by calling DFCS. In this case, she needs activities which are healthy little "domains" for her to feel some control over. She may simply be bored and in need of other outlets for her imagination and energy. Any and all of these things are strong possibilites... the more you know what they are, the more discussions you have with her, the more constructive things she's given to do with her energy and the more the positive things are rewarded and the negative things are discouraged, the better are the chances of getting her to give up the negative behaviors.

Wifey, I really do understand. My childhood was also smattered with abuse, physical, verbal and sexual. I'm also a survivor and a very strong woman. I have been on my own since age 16, managed to finance and get through most of college on my own, and at age 35, I now own a pretty strong company that I built from the ground up. As a survivor type, I never even entertained the idea of "can't", giving up or not making life work for me - I really didn't have any other choice. I've learned this is not something everyone is programmed with and I am very lucky to have these expectations of myself, where others are too scared to consider or can't even see life's possibilities. You're absolutely right, blood sucking spongey types seem to practically hunt down survivor types. I have to fight them off constantly and most are from my side of the family. I've learned to recognize them right off but most of the time I still try to play the hero until I get disgusted with them and then I play the avoidance card. Only you know your limits. I guess I just hate to see her win. :) I also know that my survivor background causes me to expect more from people than "normal" people might. I also share your feelings of "well if I can go through this and be this strong in my life, why should I sympathize with someone who makes no effort at all?". I guess my own answer to that question in the middle of my sleepless nights is: I'd rather be me than them. Knowing a little more about the relationship with you and your SD, I would think you shouldn't offer any more of your money to her at all. That should be a boundary you set with her and her father. If you wanted a relationship with her at all at this point, I would insist that it be strictly a mentor/friend type relationship so she can hopefully learn how to grow from you. If she thinks she can con you and be nice to you long enough for you to give her cash, you aren't making any headway at all, just making matters worse. And if she won't accept that type of relationship, then you did your best in offering, and hopefully she'll figure it out on her own someday. I wish I had better answers for you. My husband is ten years older than me, so I related to what could be the unspoken part of your situation. In my situation I wondered if maybe I didn't accept this man in some way to fill the father slot that was left in shambles in my childhood. When I look at it in that light, I begin to question whether I may be suffering from jealousy issues that aren't present in "normal" SM/SD relationships. Examining the possibility has given me more gas for tollerance until I am sure. Oddly enough, the question of how life would have been had my father had the personality of my husband, isn't so much comforting, but scary. I can't imagine what it would be like to be so nurtured and unprepared for this rough world we live in. Another byproduct seems to be the years it takes before family considers your relationship with your husband valid. They seem to think you are going to flee with half the bank account someday. My father was 24 years older than my mother, so the age difference has never been a problem for me, just everyone else. What fun! More unspoken, yet heavy stress. I sit here and I honestly do not know what I would do in your shoes. My situation is rosey compared to yours. What helps me through all this turmoil is communication with my husband, but if yours won't talk to you about it, I don't know how you could ever be expected to move forward. I don't think you are a bad person, a whiner or any of that. If you are like me, you were at your total wits end before you even thought to Google this board. I think anyone on here who creates a dialogue with themselves about these issues is facing the issue and questioning how they can make it better. I haven't yet found a posting on here from a step father, which to me is very telling. It's funny, my husband is so awestruck by the person I am and the things I have accomplished in the face of adversity. He is equally petrified of his children ever having to face these same things. I have explained to him that everything I went through made me a stronger person...that I VALUE these parts of my life because they made me who I am. I don't mean to sound cocky but I can look at myself in the mirror each morning and know I did the right thing the day before and I am very pleased with my progress in this life. Really, what more can you hope for on this journey than that? Sorry this is so long - I pretty much rambled as I went. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.