After my 33 years in an extended family, I have come to the conclusion that there are no solutions except divorce. Please don't jump me over that statement. I know some families work it out and have a very satisfactory outcome, but those are rare and blessed. I stayed because I am a patient person, got myself involved in hobbies to keep from dwelling on the steps and the ex wife. Most importantly I loved my husband, but lost some of my respect for him. He was a softy and could never tell the kids no. I didn't make a lot of demands on my husband when a problem arose, so there was less friction and easier for me to stay. It was also easier because they were never openly disrespectful except one daughter, one time and he called her on it. He would not have allowed that. I will say if this had been my first marriage, I would have divorced him after a year or two.

AND for those who say you knew he had children and should have expected these problems. I had no idea what I was getting into. My life before this marriage was simple. People were kind to each other, no one had divorced in my family. I lived by the Golden Rule and stupidly thought everyone did.

I think a family counselor is long overdue. Stop thinking and go. With or without anyone else. Divorce is always an option but for me, it would be a last option. But then, I don't have to live in your circumstances.

and yes, she knew he had a daughter but I know things can change after marriage rings are exchanged. So, I won't go there. But did you know he treated her this way? or that she was that spoiled? Part of it sounds like normal teenage stuff, rebellion & testing to see how far they can get, but he needs to have some control or she will be running him for a long time, whether you are there or not.

I posted my issues with my older SD earlier, and believe me, it doesn't get any easier the older they get. Unfortunately, it will get worse if her and your husband's behavior stay on this course. Have you tried to approach your husband from the aspect that your worried about her future? That if she continues to behave like this, she won't be prepared for the "real world"? Are you the only one she treats like this, or is she like this with everyone but her dad? Luckily, my SD and I get along great, I just have issues with the way her dad treats her, especially with money. It would be a shame to lose your marriage over this. How about suggesting to your husband that you both go to counseling? Maybe some validation from an outside party would help. My husband is very willing to see a counselor because he recognizes that this as an issue creating friction in our marriage.

sounds bad. Why do men parent out of guilt? what is it? My SO's X left for another man 20 years younger than her after 28 years of marriage after having a long affair with him and yet SO does everything out of guilt. But X doesn't. Why do men do it even if it is somebody else's fault that family broke apart?

Hi,

Thanks for all the advice.

OK I admit it, I think it was a mistake on part. I knew he spoilt his daughter, but I thought I could change that later...did not see it as such a big problem. And can I be honest, I do think divorce is a right thing to do. I can go to a counselor, but knowing my hubby, I doubt he will do what the counselor has to say. He will cook up more excuses, more loopholes into the system, just to show everybody he did as told, i have seen him cheat, lie and do everything to save her.

Its true that he parents out of guilt, his first wife is actually no more.

My SD is pretty much like this with everybody, even her friends, shes mean to them, and more humble and nice they are, they more bully she does to them.

But yes as a final step I am going to try conselling.

lets hope for the best. i have a daughter from this marriage, and i realize i cant get her another father...

I totally understand your feelings. I also married a man with children from a previous marriage. I was also naive (still am to some extent) and believe in the golden rule (still do)and naively thought others did too.

First, there really is some hope. I have been married to this man now for 17 years and we are stronger as a couple now than ever. He and I do not have children together. The children lived with their mother and stepfather but we had regular "visitation" with them when they were young. The youngest one even lived with us for a short time when she began college.

Second, someone needs to explain to you: you have done nothing wrong.

Third, step-children often are not much different than biological or "real" children. They can all be a pain in the pettutti(Spelling?) :)

I do think you and your husband need parenting counseling more than marriage counseling. I have learned from a friend who did this (they have two bioligical children, no stepchildren) that each parent can have their own parenting style but it is best if you can present a united front. All children test limits. Being a parent doesn't make anyone a great one. Perhaps we do the best we can and hope not to cause too much damage along the way (to ourselves and to others). We all muddle through life and relationships but we can try counseling if that is an alternative to driving oneself crazy. :)

It would be nice if everyone had common sense but children do not and let's face it, common sense is not all that common.

Keep a sense of humor too. That doesn't hurt. I also joined a hospital library where they had books on step-parenting. Another stepmother told me about it and she also gave me some recommendations of books she thought were the best she had read. That helped me a lot because she had already "weeded" through a lot of books by that point. It helps to be able to talk to other step parents too, whether one on one or in a group. No one is alone in step parenting or parenting. And none of it is easy.

I must tell you though, that at this point in time, my husband has chosen to disengage contact with his stepdaughters and has requested I do the same. This may shock you or some people but I do wish to explain this because it is a fact of life.

My youngest stepdaughter was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder (a mental illness) and was on medication for a few months. During that time, she acted more reasonably than ever in her life. In the past, she had such great highs and lows, she screamed and yelled a lot; suffered bouts of paranoia; was either ecstatically happy or bottom of the barrel depressed. She blamed everyone else for offenses against her that never occurred.

Once on medication for the mental illness, she apologized to us for her past behavior and confided that her mother has all the same symptoms she does and she felt, although her mother never sought professional help, that she too is bi-polar. (I have not researched if bi-polar disorder is genetic or hereditary.)

It was my husband's first wife's highs and lows that added to the demise of that marriage. The real reason was she was having multiple affairs and he caught her in the act. Of course, she blamed that on him. (He wasn't there for her; he didn't make enough money; etc.)

After a few months of being on this medication, however, my stepdaughter, chose to discontinue the medication stating that although it got rid of the huge "highs and lows" it did not feel "normal" to her so she chose to go back to the huge highs and lows. Which made her behavior revert back to the paranoia, jumping to conclusions, making mountains out of molehills, etc.

We, for the most part, for our own sanity, chose to have less contact with her. She seemed fine with that and only wanted to visit on Christmas (to get her gifts/money). Sad but true. We tolerated being "used" in this way for several years now. We truly hoped this would change either because she would grow up or get treatment for her mental illness. Our mistake. Recently, after another of her "tantrums" and accusations directed against us, we decided this behavior is unacceptable and intolerable for us. We are not mental health professionals and that is what she actually needs. So we have chosen to disengage from her for now and maybe forever. We know that is the consequence of this decision but we decided we are both willing to live with it. Mainly, this was my husband's decision and I agree with it. These are his children so he must do what he feels is best.

My other step daughter (his eldest child) has always displayed similar behavior but she used to realize her behavior was not rational so she would at least try to behave rationally. She usually turned to us when she needed to hear "the voice of reason." She really tried . . . even during college (in a different city) and after, while working in a different city.

About a year ago, she moved back to her mother's town and not far from her. Also not so far from her younger sister (my aforementioned youngest stepdaughter). We hoped all would still go well but again, we were mistaken. Within a month of moving there, my eldest stepdaughter began behaving more irrationally than ever and we chose not to have as much contact with her since. Recently, however, we did go to her home to see how she was doing, etc. She behaved in a very paranoid manner and verbally attacked us. So we chose to disengage again.

Recently, she also verbally attacked us, ranting and raving about all sorts of imagined wrongs we had committed against her. Very paranoid, jumping to conclusions, misinterpreting well meant things, etc. Behavior mirroring her younger sister who is mentally ill, and her mother who is probably suffering the same mental illness. We could only conclude that SHE is suffering from this as well and needs to get professional help, which we cannot give her since we are not mental health professionals.

So our current status is that we are "disengaged." We do not hold it against them that they are ill. We simply have tried to be understanding all these years and hoped they would each get better. They haven't. So my husband had to throw up his hands after over thirty years of dealing with this from his ex, then each child -- and asked, "How long do I have to put up with this? When is it going to end?"

I have tolerated it for over 20 years. (I lived with my husband before we were married). I too feel enough is enough. We cannot help them, they need to get professional help.

So what is my point? It is that in addition to being a parent or step parent, sometimes the child is not just "naughty" or "manipulative". Sometimes they can be mentally ill. To know would require some observation and some emotional distance as well in order to observe.

If you suspect the child has a mental illness, that is NOT going to just change. A mental health professional has to be involved. Better early than later.

Right now my husband and I are, as usual, a united front. We have chosen to disengage for now and possibly forever. We can only have hope that someday they will get the help they truly need and will decide to engage us when they can behave rationally and reasonably.

I don't know if this helps in your situation. Only you can observe to see if the behavior seems like the usual childhood naughtiness or if it is a sign of deeper problems.

Your hubby and you are not on the same page though, from what I can gather. And if he won't go to marriage counseling, maybe he would go to parent counseling with you? And if not, you can go to either or both alone.

You must take care of yourself first. No one else is going to. Truly. Once you have taken care of yourself, only then can you see what you truly want to do.

I have no regrets about marrying the man I did and dealing with this. I have learned a lot about myself and people in general. If it were possible for me to have had the girls get into counseling when they were young, I would have but that was not an option at that time. Their mother controlled that.

I think you have to weigh your options for yourself. Also this is the first holiday I have experienced that was not lovely. I used to hear people complain about the huge emotional swings they have during this time but I never actually experienced that before.

My point is, that can contribute to feelings right now. I would try to approach it as an "observer" and then based on realistic alternatives, decide what might be best for YOU.

As with my stepdaughters, there is literally NOTHING I can do. But with my husband, we have already chosen to stay together and be a united front. We do love each other and want to stay together.

Living single is not easy. Living married is not easy. I don't know that life is every easy. But if you are with someone who "has your back" and you do the same for them, I think that is the best you can hope for.

I don't know if that helps you. I do not profess to know what is right for someone else to do. Rarely do we get all the facts anyway but it doesn't matter -- what matters is that YOU have as many of the facts as you can and make your decision based on that and what you feel is right for YOU.

You cannot fix or change anyone else, you can only change how you react to others. You can change your own circumstances, if you decide that is best for you but you would be making those changes for yourself. Not for others.

hmmmm Sounds alot like mine, only mines 37 going on 13....And yes im about insane and ready for divorce court too....she is a complete material girl trying to be sure she gets all daddys money and stuff...five yrs now of total competition and punishment if she doesnt get her way...of course with daddy saying i hvent seen her do anything wrong ......sigh...another apple of daddys eye....actually was dressing her child in scream costumes and had him calling me on a cell phone breathing and throwing himself at my feet in the floor stabbing the floor with a knife....she is a complete coward that manipulates and uses others to do her dirty work....a control and power freak....but i can say we are going through with building a house soon and she will just love that...(tired smile)....that by the way was the first thing she told him when we got married was that he couldnt afford to buy a home. Im sure yours is a biiiiiiig problem as i have been really holding back from KNOCKING MY SD OUT!!!

I think the main problems here are the husbands not the daughters. Yes, the stepdaughters feel they must compete with the new wife. I went through it. But honest to God i ignored it and did my own thing regardless whethere my SD poutted, lies. ran and cried to her father. BUt her dad made thedifference. He spoke with her and repeated it over and over again one year that he loved us both for different reasons and that by loving me she wont lose him.
SD's tend to be like this when a new woman is in the pic. Its competitionfor attention because lets look at teh facts here. If SD only sees her dad EOW then what do you expect? BUt if there is money involved and she is living with him 24 /7 ...then its up to your husband to put her in her place. Yes..councilign will be helpful inyour case, but if your husband is nto going to descipline his daugther for teh disrespect she gives you...then you are in for a loooooooong bumpy ride.
If you truly love him, then occupy yourself with other things to do and do not bother with SD.
If it truly bothers you and you cannto get over it and it also gets worse and your husband does nothing...then i'msorry to say. Leave. He's not worth it.
His daughter is his daughter and that will never change. If he chooses to let her behave int hat manner you cannot change that. Theonly thing you control is yourself and the time you spend with the both of them