You know your being taken advantage of.

But you went into this marriage with open eyes. The daughter and father have always treated you this way, why would you think that getting married would change things?

Your husband is responsible for insisting that his children treat you with respect. He isn't doing that and is treating you with disrespect himself by obviously favoring his adult daughter over his wife.

If he would agree to go to counseling with you, it would be a start.

Good Luck-

Keli

Thanks, Keli. I really appreciate the feed-back. It's helpful to know that I am not CRAZY for feeling like this!

My husband has come this close to telling me that I am the problem here, basically because his daughter is "weak" but I am "strong" and therefore I should ALWAYS take the high road, presumably because I am the only one here who is capable of doing such a thing!

One profound truth... it pays (literally and figuretively) to be squeaky wheel, ie: screaming, crying, hurling insults, getting drunk, all of these things will get you a roof over your head, food in your belly, your bills miraculously paid, all while sitting on the couch simply consuming oxygen and converting wine into urine!

Being a non-squeaky wheel will get you nothing: no respect from step-children (or husbands apparently), and you WILL actually be expected to work hard for peanuts, and bite your tongue when your husband gives those peanuts to the aforementioned squeaky wheel.

It makes me wonder whether my being a good-girl in high school was worth it! As soon as I started babysitting at 12, I was responsible for paying for my own clothes, school trips, even shampoo for crying out loud. I didn't have a curfew simply because my family knew I was too responsible to ever stay out too late; I actually graduated high school and was never promiscuous (I didn't even date in high school). I moved out at 18 and took my 3 year-old brother with me because my mother was too drunk to continue to NOT raise him. All in all, I was a pretty good girl, and continue to be. But it means nothing to a man who is so easily manipulated by a foul-mouthed, drunken, un-employed, uneducated, spoiled-rotten "little girl". But if I suddenly began to show signs of "squeaky wheel" behaviour, he would hit the roof! He actually gets a bit miffed when I'm having a bad day, ie: I'm not the sing-song-y, optimistic, jolly-every-body-else-out-of-their-bad-moods self, that I normally am! I'm not talking yelling, or even remotely raising my voice here, just an "off" day! I just get a bit quiet, melancholy. But this is not allowed! This double standard is eroding my feelings for him ever so slightly.

I hope this doesn't break us.

Sorry for ranting. And just thanks to anyone who cares or is curious enough to read this and doesn't think I'm a bad person for feeling this way.

No, I don't think you are a bad person. I have SD issues, but I am thankful mine aren't that bad. I am sure when your husband gets old enough to become a health nuissance to your SD, she'll head for the hills.

But it all brings me to the question I have been asking myself lately. Just how long are you expected to dig your heels in anyway?

I remembered your post from a few days ago, have had a little more time to think about it, and am in a better and more helpful frame of mind now to offer some insight you might be missing.

There is no question that your situation is nuts and that your SD is abusing her role. However, try to enter the mind of your husband here, who at the end of the day simply sees his daughter in trouble. No, it isn't right, but that's part of how it goes, it seems. Ask yourself if this were your bio daughter, would you opt to eat out twice a month instead of keeping her from being homeless. Try to look at the entire matter with as much honest objectivity as you can and when you feel you have reached a healthy EUREKA moment, try to encourage your husband to listen your feelings and then commit yourself to hear his. It doesn't happen overnight.

I don't know the history behind your SD or what kind of childhood she may have gone through that may have contributed to this end. Consider that your husband may feel guilt for his part in that and his actions could be spurred by that.

At some point if there isn't too much damage done, and if you want it, you might be able to nurture your own relationship with your SD. I believe that your SD's growth is seriously stunted and she can't feel good about herself if she has to hear herself gaining encouragement on an accomplishment as pitiful as treating herself to a tanning salon with her government aid. She is probably on some level also very jealous of your ability to have strength in life where she doesn't. If you love this man and can endure his daughter, try to make a difference in her life. Take your strength and try to pass what you have learned on to her if she will accept it. Don't approach it with a sink or swim attitude, because she is so weak she would instantly drown. Your husband probably realizes this and just doesn't want to make a decision that would send her any lower than she is.

Please do not take any of this to mean that I do not sympathize with your plight. It's obvious you are in a rotten situation. You have to join forces to make it work though and you must have some exchange of dialogue with your husband about these matters if you are to understand each other. Make him understand that avoiding discussion with you about these matters won't help you understand his perspective, unless he is waiting to cool down then revisit everything later.

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you GodHelpMe! To think a complete stranger took the time to so thoroughly try to understand my situation and care enough to impart some advice and wisdom to the likes of me! I appreciate the comments and think you ought to know that I have, in fact, tried SO HARD to be a friend to SD for almost 5 years! The truth is, the odd time she treats me with any dignity at all, I quite enjoy our time together (keeping in mind this lasts for 1/2 an hour, tops, and usually only when she has burned all her bridges and needs money, a place to stay or an audience). I have actually been in counselling with a very wise woman with a Masters degree in Social Work who recognized that I hoped to befriend SD and be a kind of "knight in shining armour" and save SD from the very fate that befell my mother, ie: alcohol abuse and blaming everyone but herself for her bad choices in life. My counsellor then warned me that from her 30 years in clinical social work, her advice to me was to bow out and keep my distance. It is her opinion that SD is a sociopath, and better left alone. She was quite adament that I protect myself from SD at all costs because sociopaths know what a "moral code" is, but are so pathologically selfish that they simply don't care. Her warning was very cryptic and frightening, but I need you to know that even after all this expert and sincere advice, I STILL have tried to extend myself to SD.

I also understand what you are saying about my husband perhaps feeling guilty for whatever went wrong in her childhood to make her this way, but amazingly, even SD admits the only "abuse" she ever endured (realizing ANY abuse at all is HORRIBLE) was at the hands of an elderly female babysitter who made her and her brother eat every last bite of their meals, even if they weren't hungry and vomited it up afterwards. I know it seems unfair of me to pooh-pooh that kind of draconian behaviour, but having been widely "expoited" shall we say by my step-fathers and their "friends" between the ages of 4 and 14, I have a bit of a hard time feeling sorry for her! Awful, I know, but I want to be truthful. And I guess because my husband knows of my tumultuous upbringing and the patterns of abuse there, I feel (childishly, perhaps) that ifs ANYONE should be an undisciplined, drunken, promiscuous, irresponsible woman who blames her parents for everything that has gone wrong in her life, it should be me! But it's not! Why should she be coddled and catered to while she claims life owes her and I'm expected to be the "good one" suffering silently and handing over money to someone who had a better, although not perfect, upbringing than me? It's the double standard that irks me! I'm so sorry, I hate to whine like a spoiled brat, but sometimes, especially when my decent and generous behaviour is over-looked or taken for granted, the abused little girl in me feels as though she is being slapped in the face, and that "little girl" in me deserves better! Wah, wah, wah... I sound so infantile, I'm making myself sick! Obviously, I have issues of my own, but it is those very "issues" that made me feel, in the beginning, that I could empathize with SD and perhaps be an example to her that no matter how hard life gets, one can and will survive.

Anyway, thanks again for the words of understanding and encouragement! Not to mention the space to vent and whine and be a general pain in the ....!

Wifey, I really do understand. My childhood was also smattered with abuse, physical, verbal and sexual. I'm also a survivor and a very strong woman. I have been on my own since age 16, managed to finance and get through most of college on my own, and at age 35, I now own a pretty strong company that I built from the ground up. As a survivor type, I never even entertained the idea of "can't", giving up or not making life work for me - I really didn't have any other choice. I've learned this is not something everyone is programmed with and I am very lucky to have these expectations of myself, where others are too scared to consider or can't even see life's possibilities.

You're absolutely right, blood sucking spongey types seem to practically hunt down survivor types. I have to fight them off constantly and most are from my side of the family. I've learned to recognize them right off but most of the time I still try to play the hero until I get disgusted with them and then I play the avoidance card. Only you know your limits. I guess I just hate to see her win. :)

I also know that my survivor background causes me to expect more from people than "normal" people might. I also share your feelings of "well if I can go through this and be this strong in my life, why should I sympathize with someone who makes no effort at all?". I guess my own answer to that question in the middle of my sleepless nights is: I'd rather be me than them.

Knowing a little more about the relationship with you and your SD, I would think you shouldn't offer any more of your money to her at all. That should be a boundary you set with her and her father. If you wanted a relationship with her at all at this point, I would insist that it be strictly a mentor/friend type relationship so she can hopefully learn how to grow from you. If she thinks she can con you and be nice to you long enough for you to give her cash, you aren't making any headway at all, just making matters worse. And if she won't accept that type of relationship, then you did your best in offering, and hopefully she'll figure it out on her own someday.

I wish I had better answers for you. My husband is ten years older than me, so I related to what could be the unspoken part of your situation. In my situation I wondered if maybe I didn't accept this man in some way to fill the father slot that was left in shambles in my childhood. When I look at it in that light, I begin to question whether I may be suffering from jealousy issues that aren't present in "normal" SM/SD relationships. Examining the possibility has given me more gas for tollerance until I am sure.

Oddly enough, the question of how life would have been had my father had the personality of my husband, isn't so much comforting, but scary. I can't imagine what it would be like to be so nurtured and unprepared for this rough world we live in.

Another byproduct seems to be the years it takes before family considers your relationship with your husband valid. They seem to think you are going to flee with half the bank account someday. My father was 24 years older than my mother, so the age difference has never been a problem for me, just everyone else. What fun! More unspoken, yet heavy stress.

I sit here and I honestly do not know what I would do in your shoes. My situation is rosey compared to yours. What helps me through all this turmoil is communication with my husband, but if yours won't talk to you about it, I don't know how you could ever be expected to move forward.

I don't think you are a bad person, a whiner or any of that. If you are like me, you were at your total wits end before you even thought to Google this board. I think anyone on here who creates a dialogue with themselves about these issues is facing the issue and questioning how they can make it better. I haven't yet found a posting on here from a step father, which to me is very telling.

It's funny, my husband is so awestruck by the person I am and the things I have accomplished in the face of adversity. He is equally petrified of his children ever having to face these same things. I have explained to him that everything I went through made me a stronger person...that I VALUE these parts of my life because they made me who I am. I don't mean to sound cocky but I can look at myself in the mirror each morning and know I did the right thing the day before and I am very pleased with my progress in this life. Really, what more can you hope for on this journey than that?

Sorry this is so long - I pretty much rambled as I went. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

Oh, GodHelpMe, we must have been separated at birth. I have never made the aquaintance of anyone whose background even remotely resembled my own! Your kind words of support and wisdom have helped more than years in therapy...I suppose this is because you aren't being paid to offer up your wisdom. The fact that you are not judging me based on the age difference between my husband and me really puts me at ease. I know what you mean about the "unspoken part" of my situation: I know that I have fallen for a man so much older than me because he is the responsible/stable father figure I was sorely lacking as a child. I have always been pretty open about this fact and my mother and siblings and friends all seem to support me in this. My father is "fine" with it, very pleasant to my husband on the surface, but seeing as how he is in the psychiatric profession, he obviously understands that his absence in most of my life has probably driven me into the arms of a man who is much older and possessing the qualities that he, himself, was and is lacking.

But this is a step-parenting board... enough of my life history!

Update: In the days leading up to Christmas, SD and her drug-dealer boyfriend split up (as they always do, every year, like clockwork)and my husband's ex called to ask if "Lisa" could live in our basement while she gets back on her feet. My husband said absolutely "no" before he even informed me of the situation, making me feel very protected and respected. I told him I appreciated his firmness in this regard and reminded him that had SD ever shown even a modicum of respect and common decency towards me, I would have considered taking her in. He replied that he mentioned that to his ex and so SD probably realizes that she burned her bridges with her father as a result. Poor Lisa... going on 38 years old and only now beginning to understand the "more flies with honey" adage. Don't get me wrong-- I know this is not the end of the requests for sympathy, rent money, a place to stay, etc, nor is it the end of my husband coddling this woman into dependency and feelings of entitlement, but this latest has set a precedent. Here's hoping!

GodHelpMe, I hope you check this board regularly-- seeing that you've posted something new would just make my day!

Until then, I'll look forward to seeing you on the board!

*She told her dad she would not accept him marrying a "Barbie"*

If I was in that situation, I would say the same thing., just maybe a little more tactfully. Like, 'You have so little in common. You're 31 years apart in age, for crying out loud! Why the heck are you marrying some gal like that?'

It seems like the problem is that you and he have a somewhat patrifilial (father-daughter) relationship, and she feels displaced. So she is acting like a little girl, making a ruckus so she won't be forgotten about.

Hi winter_unfazed. I can completely understand why you would assume my husband and I have very little in common and that THAT is the reason my SD will not accept me. However, my husband's last 2 girlfriends apparently had the same problem with her, and they were both his age! While I realize our age difference obviously exacerbates problems already inherent in their relationship, the truth is, that at 38 years old, she doesn't want her father with ANYONE else, while she has no problem with her mother hooking up with another man immediately after her parents' break-up. I think SD's issues with alcohol and drugs and partying and children's aid and promiscuity and drug-dealing boyfriends wreak more havok in her life than the fact that her father is with me. Mind you, when I first met Lisa I acknowledged how hard it would be for her to accept our age-difference, and I even told her that if it were MY father, I would absolutely have a problem with it! But I also told her that if the younger girlfriend stuck around through thick and thin, showed my mother and children and I respect, and contributed financially to the relationship, I would have to accept the fact that said girlfriend was a good and decent person and deserved to be with my father. Lisa agreed with me on this (in a moment of lucidity).

As for the "patrifilial" relationship, your point is well-taken. I admit that in the beginning, there was a part of me that thought that's what I was getting, but as I got to know my now-husband better, I began to see that he absolutely didn't work that way! Even my husband would agree with me when I say that I am the shoulder to cry on in this relationship, I pull more than my share of the weight financially-speaking, that he comes to me for advice far more often than I go to him, and I have frankly lived through more than has he in his 65 years! We laugh about this! The worst of what life has to offer was consistently crammed into the first 12 years of my life, making me mature beyond my years, and I subsequently found myself having to "babysit" boys my own age; as a young woman even men in their 30's and 40's astounded me by their irresponsibility and childish behaviour. I guess my point is that my husband and I meet half-way: I am mature beyond my years (although not always, I'll admit!) and am kind of old and boring socially-speaking, while my husband is the epitome of "young-at-heart": all of his friends are 20 years younger than he is! Anyway, our relationship really, really works! Even his ex-wife has given me her thumbs-up. The only person who has a problem with us is SD.