Certainly, the posters who say that for safety the child ought to be in the back seat are correct. And just as certainly, the posters who comment that the real issue here doesn't seem to be child safety, but the competition between the stepmother and the stepdaughter, are just as correct. The OP posted this on the Stepfamily forum, not a child safety forum, and her post does indeed seem to indicate that her concern is about family issues. She didn't even mention safety. What she DID say: "I feel that this is her way of letting me know that she's insecure in the re[la]tionship. But what bothers me is that it makes me feel like I'm being put on the same level as a child ...." THAT'S what the post is about, and it's no answer to say that because children belong in the back, period, there is no issue. Moving the girl to the back seat isn't going to solve the problem of competition for "front place" in Dad/Husband's life. If readers can't get past the diversion of the safety issue, then recast the question to remove the safety issue. Imagine that the poster were driving, and her husband sat in the back with his daughter, or the question were about who sits where at a dinner table or something. I think that both the OP and the daughter have very legitimate feelings here. The little girl had her Daddy, when she did have him, all to herself before. Now she has been moved to the back -- literally. But Dad is entitled to happiness, too, and so is the OP, and certainly she is entitled to feel like she is being treated as an adult. Without the blended family, I suppose the answer is usually, "Kids in back, adults in front; tough luck!" But to do that here, even masking it with the safety concern, just papers over the girl's and woman's very legitimate feelings. She's a kid; she has to ride in back for safety. But I would try to find some other way to shore up her feelings of security in her dad's heart. This will play itself out in other areas of life where they won't be able to play the "safety" trump card. Finally, don't assume this is all due to the remarriage. Even without a blended family, sometimes spouses come first, sometimes children do. That's life. You don't always get your first choice, but you adjust, and it is a lot easier if there is good will and understanding all around. It may not always seem fair to the OP any more than to the child; but she is the adult, and as a stepparent, is also partly responsible for the little girl's emotional growth and well-being now. Maybe sometimes the OP could ride in back with the little girl? Then they have their own bond to share rather than only ever competing for the place by Dad/Husband's side.

First of all, I agree that what I did over facebook wasn't the best of ideas and could have been done a lot better, but one cannot always make the best of decisions when stressed. I did what I did and it can't be changed. However, the issue of His daughter dating the older man, One she was underage, two she was living with us at the time and it wasn't acceptable or appropriate for her to be with a 37 year old when she was 16, three, her father had the right to know what she was doing and it was my responsibility to tell him. I ask you this question, how would my relationship with my husband been hurt if he found out later that I knew and didn't tell him? Also who would have been held responsible if it actually came to attention to the authorities? The man? Well yes, but also the party who is in the role of guardian (me) who had the responsibility to let her father know what was going on under his nose. If I had never found out and she had managed not to get caught in the act by me, I never would have felt the responsibility to let her father know. It isn't as simple as "Tattling" when she is breaking the rules of the household and breaking the law, and I do understand why she reacted the way she did. I however don't have to like it or take it... I really don't care what she does with her life. Now that she is not underage and not living in the house, it doesn't matter. As for my mother, I am not excusing or condoning her behavior, she can be pretty mean, I will not defend her actions, I was just stating what happened. Why I sent the email, I felt obligated to try to resolve it personally before anything else. I guess I can't easily let go of an insult. It's a failing of mine. Why I finally blew it up on Facebook was a combination of resentment and frustration for how they were acting and my husband's lack of ability to stand up to them. It seemed at the time the only way to resolve it and it obviously didn't work. Believe me, I will not be contacting any of them, I never wanted to even before the Facebook drama started but I felt that trying to ignore the insults and stealing wasn't doing a thing to help or hinder it and to change it in any way I had to act. I am really not that good at confrontations so I messed that up pretty badly. My husband is actually doing a LOT better on the spineless wonder front, He told me that he was blinded by guilt about not being around much when they were growing up because he was in the Navy. He said that's why he let them get their way in a lot of ways when he was there and why they are used to him being the doormat. It's a shock to them that he is actually standing up for himself and I and they don't like it. He said that he still loves his girls but he will not tolerate the lies anymore. The next time they establish contact, maybe then we can work things out like adults. However they will be treated like adults in all aspects and they may not like that.

Welcome to MY life.... "i have a 9 year old stepdaughter who is very disrespectful to me. over the past 4 months she has said horrible lies about me" My SD is also 9. Over the last year, she's told lies about me. The worse lie is that I hit her. Her mom gives her lots of attention to these lies. She continues to do it, because she gets attention. Her mom called CPS & since the CPS worker talked to her, she's had a completely different attitude. She even told me she isn't going to lie anymore because she's tired of getting in trouble. It's very frustrating to have someone saying horrible things about you and worse when they want you to be nice to them. My SD lives with me full time and tells her mom these lies on her weekend visits and comes back expecting me to kiss her boo boo's and do things for her. It's getting better right now, but it's an ongoing battle. "she has said mean things about me to my friends, and she will not listen to me when i tell her to do something. its seems that she gets worse everytime she comes over (which is every other weekend). i have done everything i can think of ranging from.... spending alone time with her shopping, taking her to the fair, letting her help me cook, letting her dress our 6 month old baby." If I were you, I would not do anything for her when she acts that way. When she is being nice, then do something nice for her. If she is being nasty, tell her to ask her dad. "i know that she is jealous and i understand that. i really feel that she resents me for marrying her father even though she says she doesnt. one minute she says she loves me and wishes that i was her real mother, and the next minute she is sarcastic and hateful to me on the drop of a dime! when i ask her why she does this she says she doesnt know. my husband and i have sat her down and told her that we love her and just because we have a baby wont change that." She probably is jealous. She's got a new stepmom, losing dad's attention. She's got a new baby to compete for dads attention now too. Baby is six months old, this has been going on for four months. Perhaps she was okay with the baby but now she's realizing the baby is taking dad's attention. Maybe her mom (or someone else) has said something about dad spending time on the baby. She probably does want to get along but has conflicting feelings. She may also be trying to manipulate and getting upset if it doesn't work. My SD will be lovey dovey with me and I tell her to do something or give her an answer she doesn't want, and boom, right back to not liking me. They might get upset with their parents but forgive & forget.. but a SM is not the parent and she tends to remember every incident where I do something she doesn't like. "she says sarcastic comments to me so that my husband wont hear and then when i tell him what she said it doesnt seem to bother him very much. he thinks that because she is only 9 it isnt a huge deal. he yells at her when she treats me like this but i dont feel that he has properly handled the situation. i love her and wish we had a good relashonship! i dont know what else to do, i treat her very good and am tired of her treating me like this! she is driving a wedge between my husband and i that my husband doesnt seem to even notice. my husband and i fight all of the time about this and it gets us no where. i feel that he isnt sticking up for me like he should be." This is the most worrisome part of you post. You and your husband should be a team. Not just for your baby but both kids. He is not doing his daughter any favors by siding with her. He is also not being consistent by yelling at her and then being upset with you. I'm sure he feels stuck in the middle and the guilt makes him want to please his daughter and he yells at the daughter because her behavior upsets you and he wants all his girls to be happy. I really think it's wrong to say the daughter is driving a wedge between you and him. HE is responsible for the wedge if there's one. The daughter is a child that has been through a divorce, dad's remarriage, and now a new baby... none of which she asked for most likely. Dad needs to do more than tell her nothing is going to change how he feels about her. He needs to show her how important she is to him. My SD asked my DH to give her a nickname... like 'princess' or 'pumpkin', or some other endearment that is special to her. Your DH needs to take some time on his weekends to spend one on one time with her, even if it's washing the car or raking leaves. But, he does need to be a team with you and be the parent, not a referee. "i dont want our daughter growing up around that kind of influance. she has destroyed every relashonship that her mother has been in and i sometimes think she wants me out of the picture thinking that her parents will get back together. (even though my husband told her that will never happen)she acts like a helpless little baby to her "daddy" and acts like a resentful, selfish 9 yr old brat to me. short of telling my husband i dont want her around me for a while i am at a loss." Your hostility is understandable. You have a new baby and she's acting out. But, that's even more reason to back off and let her be alone more with her dad. Of course she may not want you there, she just might think she can get her parents back together. You are the obstacle to that ever happening and now, so is your baby. Again, she's a kid and if she has successfully ended her mom's relationships, she may think she's capable of controlling what the grown ups do because it's worked in the past. She gets daddy mad at you. She gets mommy's BF's to leave. The best thing you can do for your own sanity is to disengage and ignore her behavior. Personally, if she's only there every other weekend, I'd spend as much time away from her... go shopping or take the baby for a walk. Leave her to her dad for the next few weekends and give yourself a break from her. Maybe if she sees you aren't reacting or you don't care what she's doing, she will calm down. (she may also try different strategies.. my SD does that) But, it's only every other weekend. In the meantime, I'd also suggest parenting classes and talking to a therapist/counselor. I wouldn't drag her to the counselor just yet, maybe you and your husband could go and learn how to work as a team first. You could also discuss the issues with SD and get suggestions from the counselor on how to deal. Then, if it continues, you might take her and see if it helps.

There's nothing sibling rivalry about her bahavior. The resentment, embarrassment, and other feelings described here concerning a much, much younger sibling is nonsense, justified as normal or legitimate because they had no one to tell them their feelings were wrong. People think and feel all kinds of things, but just because it's the way one feels doesn't make it right, hence there is murder and much other wrongful doing in the world. If they had someone to set them straight, the subjects would never have entered into your thread as anything of concern or consideration. Given any opportunity, I think your SD will abuse the baby - smack him, pinch him, or anything she can do to make him cry, if not *accidentally* drop him - because she lives in a very dark place mentally and emotionally, and she wants the whole world to be as angry, sad, and unhappy as she is. For him to think it nothing more than sibling rivalry is turning a blind eye. He needs an intervention to make him realize and understand the damage he's doing his daughter, and therefore his marriage and his son. You might talk to a health care professional and tell them the same as you've told us (and everything you haven't told us). Then, ask them to help you talk to your husband. I know you don't want to leave, but I'm truly impressed you are seriously considering it as more than just threatening in order to get your way. I don't know how the women who threaten end up feeling when they don't get their way and don't leave either. You can't keep being walked on like this, but he isn't going to listen to you. He isn't going to do any more than he has been doing no matter how much you threaten. It might take you leaving to get his attention, and then you can demand he go with you to talk to the professional. You might demand it before leaving but if he refuses, then you have to walk out the door, realizing it is likely forever and no amount of tears and begging you to come back can change your mind unless he changes his. If you don't leave, then please don't leave the baby with him when you go back to work. He has a cautious mother to protect him right now. Who will protect him when you're gone? His father never will believe there is any danger or concern.