my stepdaughter is ruining the relationship between me and her fa

10 years ago

Hi, there every-one

I feel very alone right now as i haven't shared this story before.

i have been together with my partner for 8 years, he moved in with me as he had lots of debt left by his ex, which he was able to pay off by moving in with me ...meaning my rent was cheaper etc etc, hes kids had to move out of his home as he was adamant that they should get their life's together so he could start living his own life....meaning moving in with me!

Any-way he always kept in touch with his kids and we visited them whenever we had the opportunity.
Soon my partner was called on a regular basis due to one of them breaking up with boyfriends ...not having enough money etc etc...the list is endless.

As much as i tried to help..i soon realized that it was their father they listened to i have always felt as if i`m in the back boiler, they smile at me and try to be decent in my presence but deep down i can see they don't want me in their fathers life, one of them actually said that i changed their father!

I`m not the cause of their father`s divorce..hes wife left him 14 years ago for a french man and he was left with his kids.

The problem now that i have is as follows ...
His youngest daughter who is 27 has a little boy of 2 who is about to be fostered as she cant look after him, its all going through the courts at present, her oldest sister tried to gain custody of her little boy, but was turned down as social services accused her of not being able to look after her own son let alone her sisters.

My partner is now trying to blame me for not spending enough time with his grown up kids and not being their in their life's...i think he wants me to adopt his grandson as he keeps telling me that if no-one else can have custody then his daughter wont see her son at all.
This has made me feel very uncomfortable as i`m 50 years of age, suffering with arthritis and going through menopause i`m also suffering with depressive moods due to all that has been happening lately!

I have 4 grown up kids of my own so i also have problems with them constantly but i try and keep it from my partner as i don't like to upset him.

Please help me i cant stop crying, i feel like i`m to blame for his kids turning out the way they have, i feel like i have taken their father away from them as he keeps telling me constantly ...THEY ARE MY KIDS!

In case any-one thinks i forced him to move in with me, i didn't have much say in the matter he just decided one day that he wanted a better life and be debt free and by living with me he could achieve it.

I love my partner with all my heart but sometimes it feels like his kids know how to make him feel guilty for everything that goes wrong in their life's........i have tried to speak to him about this, but its no use he shouts at me and makes me feel like i`m to blame, if i don't say anything he thinks i don't care, i`m beginning to think that i would be better walking away from everything and starting a new life for myself, i don't feel happy in my relationship, the man i thought loved me is now using me as a weapon to make his life feel better...please i would appreciate some advice as i cant cope any-more.

Thank you so much in advance

bright blessings

bruxa x

Comments (7)

colleenoz
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
So, _he_ decided to move in with you and cut his kids loose so _he_ could get his finances in order?

_He_ "was adamant that they should get their life's together so he could start living his own life"?

And now _he_ is "trying to blame [you] for not spending enough time with his grown up kids and not being their in their life's"?

What an a$$!

"i`m beginning to think that i would be better walking away from everything and starting a new life for myself, i don't feel happy in my relationship, the man i thought loved me is now using me as a weapon to make his life feel better"

You nailed it.
pkramer60
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What Colleen said.
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Maybe she needs to see you as a real person, not just something that is occupying her father's attention. When my husband and I married I moved into their home, my husband's and the children's. It was the house that him and his ex-wife lived in and it was the only home that the children have ever known (not pleasant for me (ugggh!!) but at least the kids didn't have another change to cope with in addition to our marriage, which was already a significant change). My oldest stepdaugther had assumed the role of being the "woman" of the house and I could tell that in some instances she felt that I was stepping on her toes. I didn't want to give her too much power given that she was 12 years old at the time but I wanted her to know that her opinion mattered and that I was listening. When we decided to decorate the home the girls and I went shopping together and I showed them what I was looking for. It may not have been exactly how she wanted to decorate but both girls helped pick out decor and we were all happy with the outcome. I have used this as a guide with everything, from decorating to rule making to discipline. I always ask their advice, their opinion. They are free to express how they are feeling on all topics and often change my mind (which happens often!!!), however, my husband and I make the final decision. And even when its not in their favor they know that I fully understood and respect their point of view and they do the same for me. I personally feel that I have exceptional stepchildren (okay, so I'm a bit biased!!) but I think that all children would like to know that they are important and that their thoughts and wishes are taken into consideration. Have you gone shopping with your stepdaughter? Most girls LOVE shopping and that would be a huge icebreaker. Do things with her that interest her, get to really know her, her likes and dislikes, her fears, etc. My stepdaugthers sometimes do things that I don't like or they may hurt my feelings unintentionally but I've gotten to the point where I can go and plop on their bed and say "hey, I'm feeling...".
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Amber3902
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
>>i feel like i`m to blame for his kids turning out the way they have, i feel like i have taken their father away from them as he keeps telling me constantly ...THEY ARE MY KIDS! His youngest was 19 years old when you met him. How are you to blame for the way his kids have turned out? They were already grown when you met them.

He wants YOU to adopt his grandson? Um, why doesn't HE adopt his grandson?

>>he shouts at me and makes me feel like i`m to blame, if i don't say anything he thinks i don't careAny relationship will take effort, but for the most part it should be a source of comfort and happiness for both parties. If a relationship causes more stress than happiness, then that relationship shouldn't exist.
bruxa
Original Author
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi, every-one

thank you so much for the responses, we have now been told that his grandson is allowed to stay with his daughter at a foster home until the courts make the final decision, the problem i`m having at present is that my partner wants us to adopt his grandchild so he feels like he`s doing something, i know in my heart he could not bring up a 2 year old and it would all be left to me , i suffer with bad arthritis and some days i don't want to get out of bed cause of pain, i just don't feel fit enough to take on a small child but my partner thinks im being selfish, how can i make him understand.

Any suggestions would be so welcome...

Thank you once again

Isabella
x
Amber3902
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
So you have decided to stay with the man that uses you and blames you for his problems.

Now you want advice on how to avoid adopting his grandson. If you are going to stay in this situation, know that you are going to wind up taking care of the grandson.

The only way you are going to avoid this headache is if you leave this guy. You think it's going to be tough starting over at your age, think how tough it will be dealing with arthritis and a cranky toddler that will come with all kinds of issues thanks to his parents.
colleenoz
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What Amber said.

I know you've invested 8 years in this guy, but seriously, what about him makes you want to stay in the relationship? From what you have said he sounds like no prize. Sticking around is just throwing more good time after bad.

I don't get women who think _any_ relationship, even a bad one, is better than no relationship. For me it's entirely the other way around.
catlettuce
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Tell him to move out and adopt the grandson and have a nice life. No way in hell would anyone be able to convince me to raise a small child at age 50!

Get this guy out of your house-the only blame you have here is putting up with this nonsense for this long.

His kids, his problem. They are adults & you have nothing to do with how they were raised or how they turned out.

Why bother trying to make him understand?-give him the boot!

~Cat

my stepdaughter is ruining the relationship between me and her fa

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colleenoz

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my stepdaughter is ruining the relationship between me and her fa

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colleenoz

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