It sounds like she wants a reaction out of you. You have two choices.

1. Ignore the behavior. When she acts like that just ignore her altogether. If she tries to talk to you right after continue to ignore her for a while and then make a comment to her about not appreciating the way she behaves and letting her know that you will not talk to someone who talks to you with such disrespect.

2. Or when she talks rudely to you then look at her and say "The way you are talking to me is rude and you need to rephrase what you just said".

Oh boy does this sound familiar to me!!!! Your DH has to be on board and you have to approach this as a united front. That's you first hurdle.

She does want her mom and dad back together. It is normal for kids to feel that way. It isn't anything against you, it's just how she feels.

I would continue to do the necessities for her but that would be it until she learns that she can't play this game. She's getting some kind of reward for it I would guess. What does she do while you and fdh are arguing? Go and play. That must make her feel pretty powerful.

You said that she treats her biomom the same way? She'll be quite the monster teenager if something isn't done.

Family counseling could help. I feel sorry for her and you.

Welcome to MY life....

"i have a 9 year old stepdaughter who is very disrespectful to me. over the past 4 months she has said horrible lies about me"

My SD is also 9. Over the last year, she's told lies about me. The worse lie is that I hit her. Her mom gives her lots of attention to these lies. She continues to do it, because she gets attention. Her mom called CPS & since the CPS worker talked to her, she's had a completely different attitude. She even told me she isn't going to lie anymore because she's tired of getting in trouble. It's very frustrating to have someone saying horrible things about you and worse when they want you to be nice to them. My SD lives with me full time and tells her mom these lies on her weekend visits and comes back expecting me to kiss her boo boo's and do things for her. It's getting better right now, but it's an ongoing battle.

"she has said mean things about me to my friends, and she will not listen to me when i tell her to do something. its seems that she gets worse everytime she comes over (which is every other weekend). i have done everything i can think of ranging from.... spending alone time with her shopping, taking her to the fair, letting her help me cook, letting her dress our 6 month old baby."

If I were you, I would not do anything for her when she acts that way. When she is being nice, then do something nice for her. If she is being nasty, tell her to ask her dad.

"i know that she is jealous and i understand that. i really feel that she resents me for marrying her father even though she says she doesnt. one minute she says she loves me and wishes that i was her real mother, and the next minute she is sarcastic and hateful to me on the drop of a dime! when i ask her why she does this she says she doesnt know. my husband and i have sat her down and told her that we love her and just because we have a baby wont change that."

She probably is jealous. She's got a new stepmom, losing dad's attention. She's got a new baby to compete for dads attention now too. Baby is six months old, this has been going on for four months. Perhaps she was okay with the baby but now she's realizing the baby is taking dad's attention. Maybe her mom (or someone else) has said something about dad spending time on the baby. She probably does want to get along but has conflicting feelings. She may also be trying to manipulate and getting upset if it doesn't work. My SD will be lovey dovey with me and I tell her to do something or give her an answer she doesn't want, and boom, right back to not liking me. They might get upset with their parents but forgive & forget.. but a SM is not the parent and she tends to remember every incident where I do something she doesn't like.

"she says sarcastic comments to me so that my husband wont hear and then when i tell him what she said it doesnt seem to bother him very much. he thinks that because she is only 9 it isnt a huge deal. he yells at her when she treats me like this but i dont feel that he has properly handled the situation. i love her and wish we had a good relashonship! i dont know what else to do, i treat her very good and am tired of her treating me like this! she is driving a wedge between my husband and i that my husband doesnt seem to even notice. my husband and i fight all of the time about this and it gets us no where. i feel that he isnt sticking up for me like he should be."

This is the most worrisome part of you post. You and your husband should be a team. Not just for your baby but both kids. He is not doing his daughter any favors by siding with her. He is also not being consistent by yelling at her and then being upset with you. I'm sure he feels stuck in the middle and the guilt makes him want to please his daughter and he yells at the daughter because her behavior upsets you and he wants all his girls to be happy. I really think it's wrong to say the daughter is driving a wedge between you and him. HE is responsible for the wedge if there's one. The daughter is a child that has been through a divorce, dad's remarriage, and now a new baby... none of which she asked for most likely. Dad needs to do more than tell her nothing is going to change how he feels about her. He needs to show her how important she is to him. My SD asked my DH to give her a nickname... like 'princess' or 'pumpkin', or some other endearment that is special to her. Your DH needs to take some time on his weekends to spend one on one time with her, even if it's washing the car or raking leaves. But, he does need to be a team with you and be the parent, not a referee.

"i dont want our daughter growing up around that kind of influance. she has destroyed every relashonship that her mother has been in and i sometimes think she wants me out of the picture thinking that her parents will get back together. (even though my husband told her that will never happen)she acts like a helpless little baby to her "daddy" and acts like a resentful, selfish 9 yr old brat to me. short of telling my husband i dont want her around me for a while i am at a loss."

Your hostility is understandable. You have a new baby and she's acting out. But, that's even more reason to back off and let her be alone more with her dad. Of course she may not want you there, she just might think she can get her parents back together. You are the obstacle to that ever happening and now, so is your baby. Again, she's a kid and if she has successfully ended her mom's relationships, she may think she's capable of controlling what the grown ups do because it's worked in the past. She gets daddy mad at you. She gets mommy's BF's to leave. The best thing you can do for your own sanity is to disengage and ignore her behavior. Personally, if she's only there every other weekend, I'd spend as much time away from her... go shopping or take the baby for a walk. Leave her to her dad for the next few weekends and give yourself a break from her. Maybe if she sees you aren't reacting or you don't care what she's doing, she will calm down. (she may also try different strategies.. my SD does that) But, it's only every other weekend.

In the meantime, I'd also suggest parenting classes and talking to a therapist/counselor. I wouldn't drag her to the counselor just yet, maybe you and your husband could go and learn how to work as a team first. You could also discuss the issues with SD and get suggestions from the counselor on how to deal. Then, if it continues, you might take her and see if it helps.

She is jealous of your new baby, she is resentful that you married your husband. Its normal and i went through it with my SD and still at it at times. She is 13 years old and my son is 3.....Its sad that she does this to her own mother and gets away with it.
I agree with other posters here so far. And i have done this too.
1. Ingnore her completely and do not involve her in any way when she behaves like this. THis is hard to do cause some of the stuff coming out of their mouth can be disgusting.
2. Get her father to stop screaming at her and start to decipline her properly. As in grounding , taking away previlages.
My husband at one point said for her to stay at home with her mother since she didnt' behave the last time. BUt she was not rude with me, she was bullying her own brother badly at the time and he decided to separate them for one weekend to give his son a break from her.
SHe now comes once a month and my SS still says to this day he prefers to come alone andnot with her.
As for her being rude to me, i bit that in the butt myself from the beginning. I ignored her and gave the attention to anyone else but her. She had no privelages on my computer or my game station. She caught on quick and behaved. BUt, both of you are not doing anything wrong. You tell her that you love her and include her with things withthe baby and this is what we did in our household. Its just she is going through some emotional issues that need to be resolved. Have patience. But i would still advice you to step back, get father to be more assertive and not just yell and ignore her when she behaves negative. GIve no positive reinforcement to this. She wants a rise out of you or anyone. She is angry and is acting out.

I think that being snotty is part of being 9 for many kids. I think it's a boundary thing and an attention thing.
My FDH's son is 9 (I call him A__ on here) and he has some moments like that too. He's overall a very nice boy, but there are times when I think "How can such a great kid be acting like such a rotten little snot??! He was being such an angel five minutes ago - WHAT HAPPENED?!" Sometimes it's hard to keep my patience with him, but the important thing is to keep trying.

Mom2emall's suggestion of "Or when she talks rudely to you then look at her and say "The way you are talking to me is rude and you need to rephrase what you just said". works well for us when A__ is being disrespectful.
I usually say "Try that again without the rudeness/attitude/whining" and it's usually pretty effective to get him to think about how he is acting or speaking.

About the "I don't know why I did/said that"
Welcome to A__'s excuse for EVERYTHING!!
We are working on "If you didn't have a good reason, that you thought about before you did it, it probably wasn't a good decision" and then we brainstorm better decisions.
For example - A__ recently told his GM to "F--k off" right before coming to our house for 3 days, so we dealt with it. We asked why he said it, "I don't know. 'Cause I was mad?" and we went through things he could have done instead
"Tell GM you're mad at her"
"Say you need to go be alone to calm down"
"Take some deep breaths"
and so on
This sort of thing has worked great for us and I'd strongly recommend it for other kids that age too.

It's great that you've tried to do things to make her feel special, but has her dad? A__ loves to do things with just me, but he especially loves to do things with just his dad. A little extra attention from your stepparent is great, but attention from your parent just blows that right out of the water!
We offer A__ special outings or attention from FDH if he has a good attitude all morning or does his homework before supper without complaint. Things like going to the park or playing Mario Party together.
Maybe that Dad attention would work for your SD?

I'm just throwing out ideas for you here, that may or may not work for you, but work with another 9yo with occasional attitude problems...

My youngest daughter is 9 years younger than my next older DD, Julie. She was horribly jealous and often treated her meanly. Oddly, she wasn't jealous when my son was born a year later. Julie had been "daddy's little darling" and hated being replaced, in her eyes. Now as adults, they are best friends, moved from MN to AZ, go out to eat at least once a week, etc. Don't know any easy answers for a jealous 9 year old.

9 is a very difficult age, especially for girls. We went through something very similar with FSD at that age. Really, it didn't get much better until 11. BUT, the problem is that you can't just let this stage pass. Most of the conflict has died down, but there are a few things she learned that actually worked on her dad, mom and I that still carry over (i.e. whispering in her dad's ear while I'm in the room, taking over our personal areas such as our bed and our room without permission, not doing what she is told by pretending to not hear us). This "tween" age is all about discovering their independence and figuring out where they fit in the family dynamic. I'm sure it's hard in in-tact families, but it is especially difficult when you factor in the step-family issues. My DS is going through this now. He's 9 and he thinks he's king of the world. When the world deals a harsh blow and knocks him off his high-horse, he's pretty crushed. But he puts his ego back together and tries again. It is so frustrating, but it must be done.

I agree with the other posters that you need to be united with your husband. If not, the bad habits will carry over into the teenage years and things will be even harder. Believe me, this is the problem we're dealing with now with FSD13. Only we have added the fact that she has moved 600+ miles away and we rarely get to see or talk to her.

I also agree that you should disengage a bit. Do the necessary things, but very few extras. Husband needs to be the one to do all the extras for her. This way she doesn't get to treat you badly and then turn around and get a treat.

Above all, I agree with Ima that husband should be consistent. He is throwing out mixed signals all over the place and it's not only confusing for SD, but for you and will be for baby when she gets older.

You said: "i feel that he isnt sticking up for me like he should be." This is a constant problem in my family. I grew up with a wonderful father who is a man everyone loves and respects. To be really honest, it's because he's a weak man and refuses to stand up for himself or his wife or children. If anything was going on at school, he didn't attend. He would leave my mom to go to parent conferences or deal with any problems we would get into. He would never make a decision, force my mother into making one because one HAD to be made, and then blame her if it all went wrong. He would let and and everyone guilt him into doing something for them because he wouldn't tell them no. And then he would gripe about it to my mom. But the worse part of his weakness is he never stood up for my mom. My mom is very passionate about certain things and if she ever met any opposition, even if he agreed with her, he would just stand by and say nothing until he finally just slinked away. As an adult, I see this so much more now. I see how my mom has constantly looked like the bad-guy to everyone because of my father's inaction.

Well, my sister and i have both chosen men similar to this. FDH has never stood up for me to anyone. Not FSD, BM, FMIL, FFIL, FBIL, FSILs. As a matter of fact, he would rather just not talk about me at all to anyone. One night we were at FBIL's house which is 2 states away. He asked FSD to get in the shower twice before she finally disappeared down to the basement (presumably to take a shower). She comes back up an hour later in the same clothes she was wearing. So I said "did you take a shower?" "no, not yet, I was calling my mom" (standard excuse because she knows we can't be mad about it) "didn't your dad ask you to take one like 2 or 3 hours ago?" "yeah" and she walks off. Everyone saw this exchange happen. FDH never said a word. It was another 2 hours before she got in the shower. I felt like such an idiot. I was trying to help him and he let me look like I was intruding. So, I don't do it anymore. I don't do anything that I would need him to back me up on. I know he won't be there.

Ashley, Did you read the article Doodle recommended? I have to ask why did you ask your FSD if she took a shower. The article would leave one to beleive acting as a mom may be overreaching.

Hang in there. I went through it with two stepkids and 9 is a brutal age. My SD was quite mean to my little daughter, then 4. It got better around age 11 when SD was ready to move on to her "Tween" stage and let go of some of the attention seeking behaviours.

However, it is important to stop the backtalk or it will ruin your home. I would recommend a time out or other penalty for each rude comment.

Ashley was defending her husband by asking FSD if she took a shower. And from the looks of it shot herself in the foot cause her husband doens't back her up so she winded up looking like she was intruding.
Ashley if your stepdaughter chooses not to shower and to smell like a dirty pig....and yes i will describe any child even my own as a dirty pig for not taking a shower when asked, its their choice and dont bother to ask her if she has ever again.
My SD did that, for almost 4 days one time and one time only cause i invited a friend over and that particular friend told SD in front of entire family that she smelled. Well, my SD is squeeky clean from that day forth. In fact she asked me for shower gels all the time and i'm glad to provide them for her.
There is nothing wrong in anyone asking if someone took a shower in defense with their significant other. But the fact that these girls or boys are in the teens, whether its your own biochild or stepchild or cousin, they all have the teen attitude and they wont care what you ask of them until it embarasses them among their own peers.
I too , when i was 11 years of age didn't shower for a few days causei just didn't feel like it. Well my friend came over and told me i stank like a pig! So..i showered. I was embarassed but i too went through the teen 'whatever' years.
Its not overreaching on anyones part. Its called have respect for the next persons nose and for your father when he asks you politely to do something.