Wasn't commenting on OP ... your self serving attitude got me going ... I found some of the things she said were wrong ... but my only thought was if dad doesn't have her back if dad won't stick up for his kid why should she. I can see how resentful she could be ...

And AGAIN kkny ... THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS. Give me one good reason I should do more for them than their own mother does? I do not HAVE to do anything for them.

AGAIN, KKNY I am a SAHWife. I don't have a job or house or money ... I am just a sponge :)

Yes I am a saint to put up with bull from kids and a mother who is too bitter for her own good ... I can only hope her bitterness eats away at her insides and it effects any hope she has at a decent life ....

Start offering advice or go join a bitter ex-wives club.

You are not even in a Step family. You have no part of a step-family until you understand that people can love someone else's kid and but when those same children make you feel like dirt for doing so you have no clue what you are talking about ...

I have asked before what are my responsibilities as a SMom vs Mom.... figured that would be an easy one to answer still waiting...

Asked you a direct question if your daughter tattled on you to hubby how would you feel ... you are so quick to judge others but don't answer anything that someone might find helpful. You cannot see through your glass walls to see other situations you only see your own... well we didn't marry millionaires with big mansions...

We are not your ex's GF and I can see why your ex and his gf have nothing to do with you ... I would love to leave BM in the wind and be done with her. One can only hope ...

And I dont think anyone here is the GF of my child's dad. But it is OK to here to bash every mom. Just keep doing it and wonder why things are they way they are.

And cawfe, you have bragged numerous times about how well off your DH is, and how you and he are supporitng this terrible mother.

And I dont think anyone here is the GF of my child's dad. But it is OK to here to bash every mom. Just keep doing it and wonder why things are they way they are.

And cawfe, you have bragged numerous times about how well off your DH is, and how you and he are supporitng this terrible mother.

I have never said hubby was well off .... His parents are .... and like I have said before just because someones parents are rich doesn't mean they are entitled to it.

Not me supporting them :) remember SAHW :) sponge :) I do spend his money on his kids and the cs too :)

This is a stepfamily forum not interior decorating ... cooking.... homeschooling ... stepfamily.

The Stepfamily
This is the spot for those in stepfamilies to offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur--come on, there's bound to be one or two.

Read the title offer each other advice ... when have you advised anyone?

I have advised SMs that dad should be in charge of parental relationships (as between SM and dad), that mom has right to be mom and to communicate wit her child, that anyone thinking of marrying a man with children (baggage, as others have called it) should think long and hard. Just becuase you dont want to hear it, doesnt mean it isnt advice. My favorite, btw, was the thread about how many would be a SM againif they knew now what they knew then.

I am exhausted just reading this thread.

Maybe there needs to be a thread for a forum-wide food fight....

But what do they do now ... they have married them dealing with all the trials and tribulations of that ...

How do they do it now?? too late married too late more kids too late to find out ex is a loon ....

I don't want to hear I shouldn't have married him too late. I don't want to hear you knew he had kids too late.

So does a dad have the right to communicate with his child at any time a day or night too?

you are all about mom's rights but dad's right are of no importance to you....

If they knew.... but now they know can you offer any help or advice?

I never interfere with dad calling DD. He is welcome to see her whenever he wants. I drive her both ways on most visits. When he is out of town, I take her to plane to go visit him. I think I care about his rights. I dont beleive GF, even if she were to marry X, has any parental rights. So what more would you like me to do?

Cut some slack for people who are trying ... we are not perfect but we are trying and no matter what we do for the kids .... its wrong.

Just once we would love for you to say something like

wow you're right that mom does sound like a loon.... a word of encouragement... good for you sticking up for the kids. Instead we get well thats your view of her ... she may be a better person than that ... yeah because we are all making up stuff about moms to make ourselves look better to complete strangers.

Instead of berating us even more ... yeah there are days we all struggle with our emotions and want to lash out at the kids and spouse and ex... but we don't some of us do ... help us work out our emotions. Answer the what would you do scenarios... and you can't tell me with a teenage daughter she isn't rolling her eyes huffing and puffing pulling hissy fits when you don't cater to her. if not then she is not normal.

But overall we are trying to find our place in the family without going completely stircrazy...

DH does not give SD any disipline and wants to give SD special privileges i.e., eat at the coffee table when the rule is all kids eat at the big table. Then DH pouts when I say, "No there are rules, and everyone in this house follows them."

SD also sneaks around and follows us when we are with the baby changing diapers, bath time, etc. and hides in the shadows just watching, does not knock, or just come in, and does not announce her presence, it is just downright creepy to me. Maybe I am just not a "kid" person so I just dont understand.

She also acts nice to my baby when DH is watching but does not when he isnt around. I already see a very manipulative little girl.

PS - Caufe and Kkny - I did not intend to start a war between the two of you, but just looking to vent and get advice.

Maybe you should try no one eats at coffee table. When you say rule is all kids eat at the big table, haave I lost track -- is there only the baby and the SD? When you say all kids eat at the kitchen table, she may likely interpret that as baby and me have to eat there. I dont think you can treat her same as baby. Just IMHO.

And I know your frustation. I worked outside house when DD was little. X insisted on it. Now Xs GF doesnt work. So when I hear SMs who are SAHMs (particulalry with school age kids) complaining I do all this, yadadada, I think that Dad has rigth to expect SAHM to do this stuff for all kids in house.

"SD also sneaks around and follows us when we are with the baby changing diapers, bath time, etc. and hides in the shadows just watching, does not knock, or just come in, and does not announce her presence, it is just downright creepy to me. Maybe I am just not a "kid" person so I just dont understand."

This you can relax on, its normal. In her brain she's just wondering what you're doing, or just confirming where you are in the house, usually around age 5-7 kids do this. Odds are she's not meaning to sneak she just doesn't have the social communication skills down entirely yet, she's 5.

Used to bother me when my skids did this originally (I used to call it hovering), try this approach when she walks into the doorway while you are bathing the baby try to start a conversation "do you need something honey?" or "whatcha doin?"

Definetely nip the special privilages in the butt as early as you can, all kids in the home should be treated equal - your DH should know better (probably doing like most DH and giving in to daddy guilt). You need to make sure he understands this and have this discussion so you aren't always the 'bad guy'.

Why is the stepmom contingent can rant "life isnt always fair, different priviledges etc.", but here dont want to take into account that a 5 year old is not the same as a baby. When SD is 8 and baby 3, will it still be no children at coffee table. I think one way to avoid SD resenting baby is to emphasize, you are a big girl. And emphasize, older children get more privildges if tehy show responsiblitey.

"My husband tells me to think about our son, how he will never want for anything, and to think of SD, how she will probably feel lucky to have so little."

If your husband can afford to have his son want for nothing, why not his daughter as well?

I questioned whether this is a real post because it seems just too classical & too broadly drawn & it pushes every button.

but since other posters feel it may be real, I would beg OP to go to her doctor right away before she hurts somebody.

As long as her father was ignoring her, you were comfortable because you "knew I was #1 & she would never take my place"???

That's sick.

You were abandoned by your own father & now you're obsessively jealous of this man who's ignoring his own daughter?

That's sick.

You think the little girl might hurt the baby because you read something about another little girl who was aggressive toward the new baby?

Did you have that thought before you read the forum, or did the forum give you the idea?

This doesn't sound like normal adjustment problems;
this sounds like irrational obsessive resentment, I'd even say hatred.

*You* already have her avoiding speaking to you,
*you* already watch her like a hawk,
& *you* accuse her of wanting to hurt your baby when the specific behavior you describe is not "creepy" or abnormal.

*You* are already affecting her, damaging her.
*it isn't her fault, it's yours*.

If you can't be a loving presence, or even a normal human presence, in this child's life, you shouldn't have married her father.

Maybe this over-the-top rage & suspicion is just post-partum depression that's taken a weird turn.

Whatever it is, it is not normal, & it is already doing damage.

Please get to your doctor before it goes so far that the damage can't be undone.

Knowing that this girl is only five now kinda changes my opinion a little.
Five is still extremely young.I wouldnt leave a 5 year old and a baby alone together in the first place. 5 year olds are going to be mischevious,and if you think yours wont be,you have a rude awakening coming.

Nothing you have stated seems overly worrisome about SD wanting to hurt your baby. However,any 5 year old may hurt a baby.That is why they are supposed to be supervised 24 hours a day!
Sieryn has given excellent advice.
I think you are letting your hosility towards Sd's mom affect how you feel about SD. That is not a good thing at all. I think counseling is a good idea.

"If your husband can afford to have his son want for nothing, why not his daughter as well?"
Well, like previously stated my husband and I BOTH WORK FULL TIME SO THAT OUR CHILD WILL WANT FOR NOTHING. SD's mom SITS ON HER LAZY BUTT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, and gets free money!!!! THAT is why my son will never want for anything because I CARE ENOUGH FOR HIM TO WORK AND GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS, SD's mother is TOO LAZY, so they live on my husbands child support, and off of the government (that means she is living off of all of YOU too, assuming that you pay taxes!) WE ARE NOT RICH, we struggle just like the next person to get by, while SD's mom gets a FREE RIDE. I hope that clears it all up for you.

"*you* already watch her like a hawk,"

Do you know any 5 years olds that DO NOT need to be watched like a hawk? Especially when they attempt to give a toy to their baby brother they were specifically told not to because it could choke him???

And I am aware that *I* have a problem, and that is why my husband and I BOTH are in counseling for OUR problems. People who are SICK have no idea that they have a problem at all. But you must have a Psychology Degree being as you have it all figured out..

I have enough fighting and people judge me in my life everyday, I came here for SUPPORT. Thanks to those who gave great advice and support, WITHOUT passing judgment.

psychology degree not necessary to recognize rage.

& you aren't "watching like a hawk" in a protective manner;
you're trying to catch her at something so you can pounce on her & demonize her further.

& *you* are the one at fault for having provided a 5-year-old with a toy that could be a choking hazard, for her as well as for a baby.

Five-year-olds cannot be given an object & told it's dangerous & be expected to remember that.

If either of them had choked on it, *you* would have been responsible.

but maybe you're right about wanting her out of your little "holy family" circle:

It doesn't sound like she has a decent father, & you're certainly dedicated to making her life even more miserable.

maybe the best thing for this little one would be not to be subjected to your perfect family, & her father's "involvement" could be limited to $$$.

BTW, you know
that thinking that a family or a child is perfect,
that saying that you feel your child is "destined for greatness",
& that saying that you had more important things to deal with like your "own child soon to be born" (not normal use of language sounds Biblical),
sounds like you have a severe Madonna complex;
that you think you are Mary & your son is You Know Who.

No, I don't have a psychology degree, I'm just a person who does not like to hear about anyone being mistreated or picked on & who humbly begs you to print this thread & take it to your doctor.

"& that saying that you had more important things to deal with like your "own child soon to be born" (not normal use of language sounds Biblical),"

I believe it takes someone who speaks the English language as their native tongue to comment on what sounds like "normal use of language."

I do not believe being cordial to someone qualifies as mistreatment or "picking on" someone. Again, if English was your native tongue, you would know that. Check your Websters.

You are probably much like my SDs mom so that is why I am pushing all of your buttons and why you are so eager to criticize.

Of course I have rage, and plenty. At least I am not ashamed to admit it, and that is it a problem. Again, that is why we are in counseling.

It would be great to cut SD out of our life forever. That would make things so much easier for everyone involved. However, it is not the right thing to do and we all have to learn how to get along (again, why I came here to vent to others who might relate). It also must be the fact that my husband is not a "decent father" is why he continues to drive 100+ miles twice a month to pick up SD and then another 100+ miles to take SD back home.

I and one last thing before I am done with you for good:
You stated you thought I had a "severe Madonna Complex". You, my dear, are the one with the Madonna Complex. I am so sorry I cannot be as wonderful as you are!!!!

In my state, one of the goals of child support is to ensure that the child has a standard of living as high as that of both of her parents. If the standard of living in your H's household is higher than what his little girl enjoys, he is not paying enough child support.

I also thought the "destined for greatness" comment sounded VERY creepy. What, did he talk in complete sentences at six weeks of age? I feel really sorry for the baby - what a burden to put on him. What are you going to do when he turns out to be merely normal, or perhaps struggles with reading?

Wow TOS - another time that we agree? What is this world coming to?!? :-)

O-heather, I think if you thought this statement through -"It would be great to cut SD out of our life forever. That would make things so much easier for everyone involved" - you would realize that it is so harmful on many levels. I completely understand how hard it is to want the "perfect" life like you see others with who don't have steps. But that is not the life you signed up for when you became involved with a man with a child. Would it be best for her to grow up without a dad because it would be easier on you? It's not just "our" life, it's her life too. You have to find a way to understand this is just as difficult for her as it is for you, on a 5 year old level.

This is incredibly harsh, but it is reality. What if in two years your perfect son is diagnosed with cancer? Would it be so much easier for all involved to have that difficulty out of your life forever? Would you cast him away as you are now hoping your husband will do with his "less than perfect" child?

Before two children are harmed by your misdirected anger i beg you to have a honest, one on one talk with your doctor and tell him all that you have told us. There is light at the end of your tunnel . . . but I think you have to realize this isn't the tunnel you always dreamed you'd be going down.

I wish you well. Now go schedule that appointment.

You are not thinking clearly & you're not making sense:

Why would you think that I speak any language other than English,
why would you think that I am somehow like your husband's ex,
& why would you think I have a Madonna complex?

Please, take notjustmartha's advice, & print this thread & take it to your doctor.

TOS, I think that if you treat one child as perferct and the other as troubled, you do run the risk of that being a self fulfilling prophecy.

The primary goal of child support is for the non-custodial parent to provide HELP to the custodial parent for the purpose of providing financially FOR THE CHILD, not to purchase $400 dogs, or for SDs mom to purchase items for herself, then when it comes time to meet half way for SDs visitation to say, "I dont have any gas money, so she cant come this time."

It is NOT the burden of the non-custodial parent to provide 100% of the income that comes into the childs place of residence, and I am not sure where you got that idea. If I were to become a single mom for any reason, I would know that I could not expect for my ex to foot the entire bill. If you want a better lifestyle, you have to WORK FOR IT.

The standard of living in my household is due to the fact that I work also. If SDs mom chooses not to work, for whatever reason, then obviously SD will not have the same standard of living as a household with two incomes. That is not my problem, and it is not my concern.

I love my baby boy, and if I found out he had a serious illness, I would know he would need even more love. I thank GOD for each day that I have on this earth with him, and I pray each night that it is not the last. So to answer your question, NOTHING could change my love for my baby; it will only grow each day. I think anyone who expects or thinks a step-parent would (or could) have that kind of love for their step-child is only lying to themselves, and if it were that easy, this forum would not even exist!

Thanks very much to all of those who gave sound, non-judgmental advice. As for the rest of you biased prima donnas, perhaps someday you will have to live what I am going through.

What if something happened to you...and your husband remarried and another woman had to raise your child... How would you want your son to be treated?? just something to think about..

Yes, that scares me. I go for annual checkups, use seat belts etc.

But DD is now 16, so 2 more years before college.

Organic_maureen -

You have a very valid question there.

O-heather -

Please honestly answer within your own heart (not necessarily posted here) organic_maureen's question. It is true that most of us here have not walked in your shoes, and hopefully will never need to, however I do know from personal experience that when we continually dwell on negative thoughts and emotions, they multiply.

My advice to you would be to continue to seek counseling (alone as well as combined with your DH), and to begin making a small list each day of the things you are grateful for in your life. Dwell on these thoughts ONLY and push out any negative thoughts about BM or your SD. Do this each day and do not miss a day.

Forget about BM. You do not live with her and you will never change her. Allow her to live her life and you do the same.

As you already know, there is good and bad in each of our lives. When the good comes, it is easy to love those around us. When the bad comes, it becomes much much much harder. Try to control your thoughts more than anything else right now. Try meditation if possible. Buy a relaxation CD and use it faithfully. I almost guarantee that you will see positive results in your attitude.

If your DH wants to see changes made in his child support court papers, begin paperwork to ask for those changes. It could be possible that BM should be looking for and obtaining work in some capacity.

Learn to change what you can (in a non-angry manner) and learn to let the other things that you cannot change, go.

This little 5 year old girl is not exactly the same as her BM. We all have good and bad traits - select just one thing that is positive about your SD's character and focus on it until you can find a second thing, etc. etc. I can understand that at first you may find this "game" to be extremely hard, if not completely impossible. But do it anyway.

It is usually our choice whether we dwell in the negative or the positive, but sometimes we need help with meds when we cannot pull ourselves out of the negative. You may wish to speak with your doctor about this possibility.

This is my encouragement for you. I wish you life's best. Please post again in the near-future with an update for all of us.

The child support guidelines include this statement:

"To meet the child's survival needs in the first instance, but to the extent either parent enjoys a higher standard of living to entitle the child to enjoy that higher standard;"

Although the court can attribute income to a parent who chooses not to work, this does not apply to custodial parents with a child until six in my state.

Heather, I would think when your husband's daughter was born he felt this way as well. "So to answer your question, NOTHING could change my love for my baby; it will only grow each day." I'm sure he didn't think a woman would come along who he would want to spend his life with that would expect him to give up that love.

"I think anyone who expects or thinks a step-parent would (or could) have that kind of love for their step-child is only lying to themselves, and if it were that easy, this forum would not even exist!"
Heather, I wasn't asking you to love your SD like your own. I was asking you to consider is that your husband should love her like his own, because she is. He should thank God every day for her, and because you understand that kind of deep deep love you should not try to prevent it. Just as you would give additional love to your son if he needed it, your husband needs to be able to give additional love to his daughter when she needs it . . . which it sounds like is right now.

Notwicked has given you some very good advice here. Please, please take it to heart. Know that many of us have gone through situations as difficult as yours and are not looking to judge. Most of us are only hoping to help you realize your feelings could be very destructive to many people, and do what we can to help you change them.

What is really scary to think about, is the fact that, if anything should happen to the little girl's mom, heather's husband will have the child full time.

I do not have any children with my husband, although I have my own children and he has his own. To those of you who have bio children with your stepkids father, does that change how you feel about your stepkids , as it obviously did for Heather?

Kathline, this is scary to a lot of us. My DD asked me, if I died, would she go live with my sister. I just laughed at first, and told her I dont plan on dying. But then I told her she would probably have to go to boarding school, but many people meet friends for life in boarding school, etc.

DH and I have 5 kids: SS21, SS18, DD15, DD10 and DS5. The kids all live with us - my SSs BioMom remarried and moved to another state, and my ex moved to another country.

I've had my ups and downs with my SSs. Our house rules are vastly different than the ones they had at BioMoms (no mariijuana smoking or underage drinking, curfew, courtesies like letting me know if they will be home for dinner), but the boys have, for the most part, been good to me. They treat their stepsisters and halfbrother like whole siblings, they don't differentiate between "step" and "whole" and "half," and they are all very good to each other. And everyone loves the baby (okay, he's 5, and even he would like me to stop referring to him as the "baby").

I never thought about whether having a child together has affected the way I feel about my SSs. I love my SSs, I care very much about them and their happiness, and on some days, I like my sons better than I like my daughters. My SSs are the big brothers to the rest of my children. There are some days, I'm sure, when someone or another gets on my last nerve, but they all do that, and it doesn't matter whether or not I gave birth to them.

KKNY, are you serious? A boarding school?? The child inside myself shutters at the thought!!! I know you live differently than I do (au pair, etc.) so is a boarding school something, ummm, how can I say not-such-a-scary prospect in your's and your daugther's culture?

Yes, my DD has freinds in boarding schools, but also what choice would there be. Dad is never home. But I dont plan on dying.

Okay, so it would probably be way beyond hope that your self-absorbed ex-husband would rally 'round his daughter in her time of need, but what about the aunt? Boarding school just sounds sooo cold!! Poor little girl, I'd be terrified.

Aunt lives far away, but she would take DD in. But I am not planning on dying soon.

Hi Organic Heathergirl,

It takes alot of honesty to admit to the feelings you have toward your SD. I hope that you can find the right counselor who can help you delve deeply into the root of these bad feelings about this little girl. Projection (you may have an angry wounded child inside who needs healing), jealousy, fear can layer and result in some very negative thinking and behavior.

I also dislike my stepchild, but he is a grown man of 25 years old. I am currently working with a therapist to work through my negative feelings. He is lazy, spoiled and hopelessly immature and he has been nothing but a source of worry. HOWEVER, I do not want to dislike my husband's child. In my case, my dislike for him has used up alot of energy that I could have directed positively in other areas of my life.

I do feel sorry for this little girl. She probably feels abandoned by everyone and is acting out. It's sad that her own dad already sees her future as being so bleak. I am not trying to make you feel guilty, I am just being honest.

I hope that once you get GOOD therapy, your negative feelings toward her will morph into those of empathy and compassion and possibly then into love. If so, you could have such a positive impact on her development and future.

Along with therapy, I have ready many books on anger, codependence and healing the inner child over the past month. If you want any titles or information, let me know, I am happy to share.

Good luck to you.
Susan

Heather --

You have gotten much excellent advice, and, even from those you feel are judging you, much sympathy.

Please, please get counseling. You are already well on your way with your courageous honesty about your feelings -- I was really impressed by that -- as well as your insight into the effect of your own childhood experiences. I share the concerns of some of the other posters, but I can tell that you genuinely want to do your best. Good luck, and hang in there. Please don't expect it all to be forward progress all the time -- don't give up when things don't progress as you hope.

My heart breaks for this little girl. Every child -- even obnoxious, disrespectful, annoying ones -- deserves the love of the adults in her life and to feel secure and wanted. She deserves it every bit as much as the baby boy.

But please understand that no one would fault you for not FEELING the same about her as you do about him. You wrote, "I think anyone who expects or thinks a step-parent would (or could) have that kind of love for their step-child is only lying to themselves, and if it were that easy, this forum would not even exist!" I think that was brave to say, too. Now, I don't want to quibble over whether it is POSSIBLE for ANYONE to love a step like a biological child; evidently some stepparents do. But I do agree with you that it isn't easy. Probably it's even harder when the step child has some unattractive traits. And isn't that true of every child, at least at some point? The thing about that parent-child bond, at least in my experience, is that it allows us to put up with the bad parts; we love that child so much that we either don't mind so much, or we care for them anyway. Nature hard-wires us, just like other animals, that way; otherwise, why would anyone stick with a colicky baby? No one gets up 8 times a night to change messes and listen to screaming -- or for that matter, deals with a rude, trouble-making teenager --because it's fun.

It's hard enough with bio-kids -- it is just that much harder with someone else's kids, no matter how sweet they are, and no matter how good our intentions are. And then no matter how hard the step-parent tries, sometimes the children still reject them. I have great sympathy for step-parents.

I once heard the famous pediatrician and child behaviorist, Dr. Spock, speak about his own experience. He married a woman with children. He said (I am paraphrasing), "I knew from my work all the issues about trying to blend a family -- but I have to admit to you, I thought to myself, 'Yes -- but I'm DR. SPOCK! Surely I won't have these problems.' Well, let me tell you, even for Dr. Spock -- it is seven years of adjustment hell. There is just no way around it."

Sorry to go on so long -- I just want you to know that it is not that anyone can't understand your position. I felt sad that you wrote, "I do know my feelings are wrong." Your feelings aren't wrong; they are your feelings, and besides, they are entirely understandable. And you are wise to recognize "how damaging this situation is to a little one just trying to find their way." So you are on the right track for sure.

Remember that they are BOTH EQUALLY your HUSBAND'S children. He has the obligation to act accordingly. And it seems to me that as his wife, you have the obligation to help him do so.

And the children are each other's siblings. Someday they may have only each other. If, heaven forbid, someday when they are adults, you and your husband are gone, and your son is injured or ill or in trouble, what kind of person do you hope his big sister will be? One who feels worthless and resentful, or one who feels competent and knows the importance of family loyalty, even when it's not pleasant or convenient?

But besides your stepdaughter and your husband, and of course yourself, there is someone else who will be hurt, possibly seriously, here.

This situation is dangerous not only for the little girl, but also for your son, although you may not see it -- and I am not talking about danger from his sister. No child -- never mind a blended family -- should grow up in a family where one child is at 10 months already declared "perfect" and a "wonderbaby" who is "destined for greatness" and the other is written off as hopeless and a possible menace at age 5. THIS IS JUST AS BAD FOR YOUR SON AS IT IS FOR YOUR STEPDAUGHTER. Your therapist will be able to explain how this plays out. Someone above gave you really good advice to print out what you wrote and bring it to counseling.

Good luck, honey. I know it is really difficult, and I admire your courage. Some of your remarks are alarming, but I think that you never would have posted this unless at bottom you really want to get it straightened out.

I thank everyone who had wonderful advise for me. I am still taking it all in. I have been okay, but I know my marriage is in danger. Not just because of SD, I feel like that is the least of my worries right now. I feel so helpless sometimes, I just want to make everything right and I don't know how. I guess I just have to keep praying and praying and know that God will fix this in His way, at His speed.

Until then, I just have to do the best I can to get by. It's so hard working and being a mom, and then fighting all the time at home. I wish for just one week with no fighting, no passive agressive behavior. Just peace in my home, just for a few days.

heathergirl, I am not going to tell you not to put your faith in religion, but please do consider counseling. Perhaps that is where you will find the answer to your prayers.

Listen to the advice you have gotten here, even the posts that seem judgmental and critical. They really are just trying to help you.

For example, no one is saying you would abandon your son if he became sick, unpleasant, or difficult. Of course you wouldn't. They are just trying to help you understand that this is sort of what it sounds like you are wishing your husband would do to his other child. I know you love him too much to want him to be that kind of person, and that you know that in the end it would not make your life better at all.

No one can blame you for wishing your life were as simple as it would be if you had married a man without a daughter, or that every person in your life would be as appealing and easy as a sweet baby. But everything doesn't have to be picture-perfect to be good. No matter how other people's lives may look to you, believe me, there isn't one person out there living in their perfect dream situation. You married a man with a family, and now you are part of that family, too. You may never feel love for your son's sister, but you have the obligation to be a kind and loyal family member to her. It sounds like you really want to do that, but lots of things get in the way: her behavior, her identity as her BM's daughter, your thwarted wish to have your simple and private baby-makes-three family with your husband, perhaps your own childhood experiences. All of that is completely understandable, truly. And a good counselor is going to help you get free of all that, so you can be the good mom, wife, and stepmom you so clearly want to be.

It might be hard at first, but you have demonstrated the courage and determination to see it through. It will help you feel better -- and it will CERTAINLY be the best thing you can do for your husband, your son, and your stepdaughter.

Good luck! We're in your corner.

I can relate to all the feelings you are describing. I felt them all in the beginning of my situation. I never wanted to see any harm come to his ex wife or his daughter but I did wish there was a big DELETE key that I could press to erase his past and have a fresh start with him.

Over time those feelings have shifted. I still feel just as much resentment but it's directed at my significant other, not at his ex or their child. It is not their fault that he cannot handle the situation fairly and make sure everyone feels loved and cared for. I am getting the s**tty end of the deal - "lowest on the totem pole" as I saw someone say in another post but it's because of him.

Now that I've bonded with his child and have had some long conversations with his ex (he treated her as bad as he treats me) I can look at it all from a better perspective.

Don't let anyone here make you feel bad for feeling those things. It's a new and confusing situation and it hurts. You shouldn't be made to feel second best to his child and the child shouldn't feel second to anyone either. He should have enough love to share with everyone.

Dear Organic Heathergirl:

I definitely agree with "flowing". Don't let anyone make you feel bad for your feelings. Obviously they have never been in your situation, so let the judgers be judged. It is so easy to criticize someone when you have not walked an inch in their shoes. I have also felt all of the feelings you are feeling. It is being human that makes us so weak sometimes. We all just want to be happy, and with stepfamilies, true happiness never seems attainable. I commend you for your honesty, and am relieved to know I am not the only one who has had these harsh feelings. Good luck to you, and I hope every thing goes well for you. Joyce Meyers has a show on tv every day that helps one deal with the battles of the mind. Give her a try. You will love her no nonsense and honesty.

Heather, I do feel for you. It sounds like you are overworked and tired and feeling unappreciated. I am also of the view if a person can't be open about their feelings without getting jumped on for having them, what is the point of this forum?

Even in unblended families the second child will often have feelings of resentment toward a new child on the scene. While mother is tending to the "infants" needs the other child can feel very neglected and will "seek" to find that kind of attention for themselves which would account for the shadowing.

The girl is however the boy's sister. And it is because of your love for your son, that you will come to see the girl as valuable to him. Sibling love for each other can very strong and a valuable source of nurturing. You feel a lot of anger toward the mother of the girl which you didn't feel before your son was born. Or did you? Don't write off the girl because of her mother.

In the meantime you are rightfully very stressed out right now, which is completely normal for a new mother. You are likely in a hypervigilant state as well and feel these outsiders are trying to hurt you.

Hang in there and find somewhere safe where you can express your feelings openly and honestly without bad judgement. It will get better Heather.

All of the posts on this thread made my head ache.

I am a step mom. But before I was a step mom, I raised three children (as a single parent for many years) and I was in my ex's three children's life for seven years. (we never married but their mom saw them, maybe once a year) So, I can see both sides as a step mom AND bio mom. My son also had a step mom and I have a step mom as well.

First, I would say that if dad doesn't spend much time with his first child when you were just dating, then it should have been a clue before you married him and then had another child with him. He does not sound like an interested parent at all, regardless of how involved he says he was the first time. His actions in your presence when he was BF speak volumes about his desire to parent.

Second, you have a choice to build a relationship with his daughter or not. There's no need to resent HER. She didn't choose to be born, she didn't choose to have a disinterested father, she has NO choice in her living situation. I would also disagree that you should resent your DH because you KNEW he didn't spend time with her, yet you still married him. YOUR BAD!! Not his.

Third, if she has a problem with you, it is most likely due to her dad (which I'm sure she wishes he paid more attention to her) paying more attention to YOU and now the new baby. It's normal in an intact family when a new baby comes along that the older child might feel jealous. Befriending her and letting her "help" with the baby might make her feel a part of the family. If she is following you, she sounds interested. One thing that I have not seen addressed here (and I'm fairly new to this forum) is feelings toward the child based on the other parent. My SD looks & acts like her mom, which kinda makes it a little harder to get along sometimes. That is something you have to acknowledge if it's a problem and then work on separating it mentally. I do realize it shouldn't have anything to do with it and I do remind myself all the time that she's not a mini version of her mom. She acts like her mom because children model after their parents. And I guess if you dislike the other parent and that child reminds you (or your spouse) of the other parent, it can cause problems.

And lastly, we all think our new babies are "perfect" and in a way, they are. That is, until we screw them up with our baggage and issues. If your child grows up with a mom that can resent a five year old for existing, then that WILL affect him. That is his sister whether you like it or not. He will resent you if you damage that relationship. Your husband may or may not care about his relationship with his daughter but if he does care and you are the reason she gets out of his life, HE may resent you too.

child cannot possibly be a monster at age 5. You cannot be serious. If she does not know how to act then teach her, or tell her parents to teach her, but you areally cannot seriously be that angry at a little girl

A child can be a monster at age 5 if nobody is giving her guidance or discipline. From the OP, it sounds like dad is not an interested parent and not sure about mom. She knew dad had this child and he wasn't an active parent when she married him so she has a choice, leave and raise your child with the same level of enthusiasm as dad gives raising his daughter or stay and be a positive influence to this girl. If you stay and resent her, everyone, including your "perfect" boy will be harmed by it. Cutting the girl out of her dad's life is, in my opinion, heartless. Sometimes, when you get so frustrated, it may be easy to think that is a good solution, but kids need both parents and if your son ever had a step mom, how would you like them to push away your son or worse, cut YOU out of his life. Kids are not our possessions, they are individuals.

I hate to be pessimistic but how your husband acts towards his little daughter now will be how he will act towards your baby boy in the future. It's obvious she was "good enough" when she was in her mother's womb, but I guess after the divorce he could care less. Happens to a lot of men, unfortunately. Your husband attitude is low and disgusting and the romance iwth your child won't last long, trust me.
Take control of the situation and welcome that little girl and teach her, help her and love her. She is only 5 and you are an adult. How would you feel if one day your husband's next wife treated your boy like you treat his sister. So sad...children are innocent. The mere fact that her mother is (according to you, of course) a waste of space should be enough for you to feel for that child. I bet if you heard a story similar to your stepdaughter's you'd feel sorry for that child, but because she is the product of your husband's relationship with ANOTHER woman, you hate her. Time to grow up and grow a heart. Maybe if you change your attitude towards his daughter his will change too, Trust me...what goes around comes around.

Amen sushinut... you are not being pessimistic, it's true that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Unless someone WANTS to change, then they are who they are and you have to look at that before you get married, and before you have a baby with them.

And yes, I think a lot of the "problems" bio parents and step parents have with each other has to do with their own feelings about themselves (Inferiority, insecurity, anger they were left or cheated on, etc.) When they get caught up in their "problems" with what each other is doing in each other's homes when the child is there, they think they are making it about the child, but the truth is, it's all about them. The children get stuck in the middle and can end up being resented. It's sad that they are easy targets for a step parent and they are sometimes used as "pawns" by the bio parent. If everyone would grow up and put yourself in the place of the child, maybe they would act differently. If not, it's sad for the child. All a child really wants is to be loved and it's best when "everyone" in a child's life is allowed to love the child.

My stepdaughter's mom (perhaps insecure or feeling guilty that she gave up custody to us) constantly tells me I am not her daughter's mom, she is. She told that to her daughter's counselor who then told her "would you prefer the step mom to resent your child and not treat her as she would her own?" I've never tried to "replace" her mom, but I also won't treat her like she's not a part of our family. If that upsets her mom, that's not my problem.

Organic Heather -
How have you been doing lately? I was wondering if you could give us an update on how things are now.