I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.
jayc2006
17 years ago
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bigmoebenz
9 years agolisaw2015 (ME)
9 years agoRelated Discussions
RE: I dislike my stepchild, may even hate him at times
Comments (5)Jujube, you are absolutely right, you are entitled to your feelings. Criticizing you for them and telling you to feel different is no help at all. If you don't like being a parent to someone else's child, then you don't, and you are entitled to feel that way. It's certainly not for everyone. BUT. The child is also entitled to something. And that is to live with adults who will care for and protect him, and, if they can't quite love him, at least try to like the child the best they can, not see him as nothing more than a "burden." You wrote, "Choices were made either by ourselves or others that put us in this situation and I am aware that no one is completely blameless." If it's true of anyone that "choices were made" (and do note the passive voice) by others that affect them, it's certainly true of the children. They didn't choose to be born, they didn't choose for their parents to split up, they didn't choose for their parents to remarry. The adults in the story are the ones who have to make the adjustments and compromises, not just because they made the choices, but because they are the adults. Fair or not, that's it; children can't be expected to sacrifice their childhoods for a parent's or an unrelated adult's expectations of romance and marriage. And your husband is entitled to something, too. You may not have a mother's duty toward your son, but you have a wife's duty to your husband. His duty to his son is non-negotiable. How do you support him in fulfilling that duty and feeling good about it? I know it isn't easy. But look at it from his point of view. What is it like for him to feel like he is always trading off his wife's and his son's interests in a zero-sum game? You write that you love this "wonderfully amazing man." Try to let that love guide you in this situation and think of what he needs from you; don't make him choose between his son and his wife. Thus, the solution to the dilemma is NOT for the child to go away or be rejected or pushed away by his father. If you don't want to be involved with a man with children, then don't be; there is nothing wrong with that choice even though others choose differently. I won't blame you, the same as while I admire people who adopt children with serious handicaps, I don't blame those who decline to do so. But anyone who makes those difficult choices and accepts those challenges has to step up to the plate and do her best, not focus only or even primarily on her "entitlements." Good luck to you; I know it's really hard....See MoreMy wife and child hate one another.
Comments (11)I am a Biomother and stepmother. So I have perspective from both sides of the fence. First off- your wife had an affair. You need to accept it or forgive her. There is no grey area. Trust me I know! My first husband had an emotional affair with a woman, and I was so angry and could not move past it. So hence, my marriage ended. Now please don't get me wrong, but I know now that it was not the affair that ended my marriage. Because looking back on it I should have solved the real problem. Which was what was I not giving my husband that he felt the need to stray. I am not holding him blameless, but he ended it. He was sorry that he did it. It was my bittereness towards him for what he did that I accept responsibility for. SO therefore, like I said, you can either work on your marriage and the adtermath of the affair, or you can make her miserable until the point that she really wants to leave you. The choice is yours. Sorry to sound so blunt, but I have been in your shoes. Now as far as your son. That is all I read in your post was about YOUR son. Now if I read correctly, you have another child with your wife. And apparently you are okay with your first son physically abusing YOUR other child. When my daughter was born, my step-son tried on numerous occasions to hurt my daughter and his own brother. Physically attacking, clawing at faces, throwing large items at. So my dh and I talked with a therapist about the issue. He told us that he was doing it out of jealousy, sibling jealousy. BUT that he should NOT be rewarded for his bad actions. So, if he did it again, then he would not be allowed visitation with his dad or our family. His dad was not to take time alone with the child away from our family, because that was basically rewarding his behavior. Kids aren�t stupid, and this was the desired outcome he wanted. So we told him, you ever hit or hurt either child, then you will be considered out-of-control and dangerous to others, and daddy will have to protect the other children from you, and therefore you will not be coming over. With that said, it was the last time he ever hit either child in our presence. Am not telling you that you need to forget about your son, but you need to make sure that he becomes a responsible young person who has consequences for his actions. I will tell you that if any child, mine or a step were to hurt another child of mine, then there are consequences, and you better be sure as hell that I am going to be pissed at the perpetrator. It seems to me that you are bitter at your wife for her bitterness towards your son. Perhaps you should allow her to disengage and have two relationships. One with her and your other child, and one with your son. Don�t expect her to like him, and of course don�t expect him to hurt her. It sounds like he is quite bitter at her two. You also have a responsibility for your other child as well. Do you think it is in the best interest of the child to have divorced parents, because the of the child�s older sibling. Don�t you think that will make your younger child bitter towards the older child AND you? So, my suggestions are: 1. Either forgive the affair and move forward. Or just end the marriage and save both of you a whole lot of grief. I will tell you that in retrospect from personal experience that letting go of that bitterness and anger will be better for you. People make mistakes, and this is just one of many that your wife will make. And this is from someone whoms ex-spouse had an affair on. 2. Be a part of your son�s life, but because of his behavior to the rest of the family, realize that you have another child to protect and thus must keep them apart. I hope you take this advice to heart....See MorePlease help me with my step child!
Comments (14)I am in a relationship with my boyfriend who has a 5 year old girl. She comes from a VERY privileged family who think they are above everyone else. When she can't have something she screams and gets what she wants. Recently my boyfriend has had the 2nd court case and alot more access to her and instead of 2 days of play he is having much more time with her and has given her discipline where needed but she screams and carries on until he backs down because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. As for me, I try not to discipline her because I want to create respect, but last night I broke when it felt like all my love and fun and kindness was thrown out the window when she said to her Dad in a fit of fury that she wanted him to get rid of me, this all stemmed from her not being able to sit in the front seat of the car. Once in the back, She kicked the back of my car seat and had a tantrum. My boyfriend disciplined her then took her back to her mother and they had a talk and she wants them back together, which is a normal thing, but my dilemma is HOW do I treat this child now. The daughter is learning bad traits such as racism and high class traits that are turning her into a spoilt brat. Should I just not give her any energy wether it is good or bad and just step back? I talked to my boyfriend about it today and he said to try that, but it is harder to give nothing than to give love and support and then on the other hand be emotionally effected when she turns her anger on me. I welcome any thoughts on this subject please. Thank you Megan...See MoreI need help with my bf's child. Well really what do I do?
Comments (8)Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest....See Moresylviatexas1
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