I have already mentioned the safety aspect to him and it doesnt seem to bother him.

and xcuse me KKNY putting her down by saying she's insecure, thats not a put down its the truth, considering how young she is and the fact that her parents are divorced completly destablilizes a childs sense of security making them cling more than usual (im not the one who noticed this her father did), this isnt just with me but with anyone who is taking attention away from her.

As for myself, I'm sorry i grew up in a household where children sit in the back seat, and out of RESPECT older people sit in the front.

The safety aspect doesn't bother him? Yikes!

I'm guessing you have talked to him about how you feel? What did he say?

BTW, safety issue aside, I agree that you are the one that should be in the front seat. Frankly, it would bother me too.

well thats the thing, its the three of us up in the front seat...and when i mentioned the safety issue to him he was its not that big of a deal because its a 4 x 4....the BM does not let the child sit in front because of the saftey issue and hubby has said as punishment to his daughter that he'll make her sit in the back the way her mom does....

I see it wrong for two reasons...1 the safety issue and 2 i wouldnt let my own bio child sit in the front, because they are children....dont know how to deal with this

Having raised a SD from age 5 to now 17, I feel strongly that the 8 yo daughter should definitely be in the back seat for several very important reasons.

Safety for sure.
There will be PLENTY of opportunities for her to be in front when you are not in the car on errands, etc.

This is seemingly a small thing, however it is setting a very dangerous lack of respect and authority for you in the eyes of SD. If your husband does not give you, his wife, and the SD's mother (OK, Stepmom) the respect and obvious sign of significance and authority you deserve with this simple but powerful consistent gesture, then you are being set up for way more of the same treatment from SD in many more serious and hurtful forms. My SD was great until age 13 when the "changes" occurred and I was then treated like a nobody by her, even though I was doing (and paying for) everything in SD's life as her Dad (biofather was rarely around at this time). When we would go on drives in the car (after age 13), even long vacation rides, SD would never even ask me a question or even directly speak to me; it was always "mom, what is this" or "mom, change the radio station" and so on. This hurts a lot. If you let SD dictate the seating "rules" in the car, she will just keep upping the negative attitude and control and set the stage for the typical teen "ambivalence" that is so hurtful to the step-parents.

Stop this now, and get your husband to wake up to the destructive pattern he is establishing here. You should always be in the front seat when all of you are in the car sending the all important signals of respect and authority that you deserve and must have to be effective in the coming years. She is only 8 yo now, and believe you me when she is a teenager things will change and you will struggle terribly as a Step-parent as we all have with our teens. Anything you can do to prepare for this inevitability will help tremendously in a few years. This seemingly small thing is more important than you may think. I've been there. Good Luck!

It's illegal here for a child under 12 or 13 to sit in the front due to the safety concerns - air bag, body weight, etc.

I think I might tell SD that you just learned some new things about the safest place for a child to sit and you don't want anything to happen to her, so you insist on putting her in the best place for her!

Don't bet on this girl deciding at 12 or 13 that she doesn't want to sit there anymore. I'm guessing she'll have a few more demands by then.

Offer to chauffeur them around by driving and putting them in the back together and see if DH likes that after a few rides, lol.

In reality this is tough - sort of weigh out 'pick your battles' vs. stand your ground or you'll be a doormat. See which is more appropriate for your particular circumstance.
Dana

A friend dated a man with a child, and like you, she too had to sit in the back while the child (age 5) sat up front. They dated for a year, and she was trying to be a good sport at first. But it bothered her. They broke up, and she married a man without kids, and the two of them just had their first child together. IMO (for what ever it is worth) not only is it unsafe for the child, but I think this speaks louder than words about how he views anyone coming into "their" life. It seems to set the stage somehow.

But this friend had to sit in the back seat, while the child sat upfront with him. Your situation is somewhat different because all three of you sit up front. Aside from the safety issue, all three sitting up front may not bother me.

Forget about her wanting to sit in the back at 12-13. I imagine like most kids, that she will want more than ever to sit up front then. Most kids race to get the front seat first! Especially at that age.

Again, regardless of who should be sitting where

YOu state SD is insecure. Your atributing motives to her speakes more about you.

I suspect that the OP has interacted with the stepdaughter enough to have a fairly good idea of what her behaviors might mean.

It's a power struggle, plain and simple. SD wants to show she's Number 1 with Daddy, and Daddy's allowing it. I'm with Hamsteve -- SD is 'outranking' you, and it needs to end - firmly and quickly.

If your hubby doesn't buy into the safety argument, then tell him it's a simple matter of good manners and respect, and that any reluctance on his part will be a serious sign to you that he's not willing to support you in a parental role.

My own son pulled this carp with his Dad and StepMother, and I was the one who stepped in and sent him to the back seat -- it's simply good manners. I don't want him thinking he can disrespect his StepMother because that'll backfire on us all someday.

When my sister and I were little, we lived with our mother (my parents were divorced), and we both fought horribly over the front seat when our father drove. Mainly because we missed him, and also there was some competition there. I suspect the same for your SD. There's probably not just one reason why it's happening. If you can't get your DH to agree to have her sit in the back, compromise and switch off every other trip. Not the best way to go but.......better then being in the back all the time. And she will see that her father is trying to be fair to both of you, and that she's not top dog.
Hope everything works out though!

If three adults go somewhere in a car, are the people in the back less respected? All this time I thought they were just shorter and less prone to carsickness.

lol-maybe you could rent some DVD's that involve "car crashes" that show little kids flying out the front window of the cars? You know...a subtle approach.Or you could always "act" like your car-sick,and make him pull over every 5 minutes because you feel like you have to throw up.....

No, but seriously....8 year olds should not be sitting in the front seat PERIOD.Forget everything else...iF he lived here,he'd get a nice fat ticket for doing it.I just hope and pray that he never gets into an accident that ends in tragedy....

Good luck-
Dcubana

Absolutely a child of that age is not safe sitting in the front.

I don't understand the "respect" reasoning at all. This seems to be a major issue for a lot of posters here. What exactly are you looking for - do you want the stepchildren to FEEL respect for you or merely to act deferentially? Is it ok with you if your stepchildren are a bunch of little Eddie Haskells? If the child sits in the back seat because her father forces her to in order to please the stepmother (as opposed to because it is safer), will the child feel any more respectful? Would you rather have stepchildren who act polite to your face and call you the wicked witch behind your back, or would you rather know about it if that's how they feel?

I spent a few minutes looking up character descriptions of Eddie Haskell, and found words such as "unctuous," "oily politeness," and, in a couple of places, "creep." I don't think the scriptwriters intended to have his character come across as having "proper respect" for anyone.

I think that the problem is that society is not child-centric enough. Children do not feel that they are a contributing and essential part of the family as they were in an agriculturally based society. They are not given the opportunity to take responsibility. At 18 they can be sent away to get killed in war, but are still treated as children in high school and even in some colleges. Parents and towns are preventing kids from starting school at a normal age, so many are 19 before they even finish high school.

Further evidence that society is not child-centric: comments I have read in numerous locations include "children just want their parents to be happy," "children are resilient," "children will adapt," etc. On one board, the majority of posters were arguing that it was fine to have overnight visitation with the father for a 5 month old exclusively breastfed infant, because it was the father's "right."

Three years ago my nephew was running through an airport after vacationing in florida ... trying to get to the front seat ahead of his siblings.. yelled "SHOTGUN" ....

After the mass hysteria calmed down ... my nephew was told he would never be allowed in the front seat of any vehicle ever again. He is 15 and still sits in the back even if the front is empty.

TOS -- I actually understand your point about our society not being child-centered enough. As a society, we give lots of lip service to 'making our children happy' in superficial ways -- then undermine them in serious, core issues that dillute their sense of security.

Being allowed to sit in the front seat is just one of those 'nice on the surface / rotten underneath' things. Sure, the kid is happy, but even the child probably knows it's unsafe. Virtually every car now has big warning labels on the visor, so a child who can read only has to look up to know his/her safety is being disregarded. Most kids who are too young to read STILL know it because they will have heard from other parents, daycare teachers, carpool, radio news.

And the issue of manners and demonstrated respect is also important. As responsible parents, we owe it to our children to teach them the rules and social conventions followed by a polite society. Our kids need us to teach them, and feel insecure and vulnerable when they know we haven't done it. Kids can pick up on the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) messages other adults send about whether or not they are well-behaved, well-mannered, dressed appropriately, doing something (what?) wrong. A child who knows what to do in a particular social situation is much more confident and happy than one who doesn't.

When a child demonstrates respect for an adult - sincere or not - he or she is rewarded by positive regard from that adult. And vice versa. When the child scrambles into the front seat and the adult is forced into the back, there is a subtle annoyance that takes place. The interaction has soured in a way that probably has much more long-term consequences than a short ride in the car.

"What exactly are you looking for - do you want the stepchildren to FEEL respect for you or merely to act deferentially? "
Of course, you want the 'respect' to be real, but you certainly don't creeate genuine respect by allowing children to act out disrespect.

I certainly agree that it is critically important to make sure the child is safe, and to make sure that the child knows you will keep her safe. There is no question that the child belongs in the back seat in order to be safe.

If a child "demonstrated respect" and I had any inkling that it was not sincere, or found out later that it was not sincere, I would be hurt and furious. You don't create genuine respect by forcing children to act out respect that they don't feel. As a matter of fact, respect is not something that can be created - respect is earned.

As parents we should make sure that our children treat ALL of their elders with respect--earned or not. It's just common courtesy. It's the RIGHT thing to do. Children are not equals and certain behavior is to be expected--whether or not they WANT to do it. I don't believe for one hot second that a child is capable of discerning who is worthy of respect and who is not at the age of 5. It is a parent's job to set boundaries and standards of behavior ACROSS THE BOARD at that age. You respect your elders. PERIOD. I don't think that giving a 5-year-old the latitude to decide who is "sincere" and who is not is in their best interest at all. That's a lot of responsibility at that age and a complex lesson and the reality is that children will soon enough find out who is telling them the truth and who is not--but that does not change the standard for good manners and behavior. Sometimes the lesson is "grin and bear it."

I agree that civility is important - but civility toward everyone, even other 5 year olds. Civility, however, is very different from respect and very different from deference. No one should shove another person out of the way to get to the front seat. No one should think they are automatically deserving of respect.

I was actually talking about the sincerity or lack there of of the child, not the adult.

As I am sure I have mentioned before, I believe it is important for children to stand up for themselves in order to remain safe. It is possible to be civil and yet be strong and not seen as a potential victim by predators, but that is a delicate balance difficult for a child to achieve. Too many kids who are taught that their elders always deserve respect interpret that to mean they should do what their elders tell them, no questions asked. Even adults do not agree on what respect means. I would rather have a child who was sometimes less than civil to adults than one who always did as he was told, because the latter is at risk for predation. I want a child who, if he feels uncomfortable, would not hesitate to tell an adult, even if that adult is a relative or friend, to get the @#& away from him.

OK, no one wants a Stepford Child or robot, lol! But, there is a little pushing of the limits and testing boundaries by this child in question. The safety issue goes w/o saying. I'd like to know if any of us, when riding w/ our parents or grandparents, would attempt to get in the front and force mom or g-ma in the back? I think not. It's more uncomfortable just getting in the backseat for adults and children, being much smaller, can negotiate those openings much easier. The shorter leg length also makes it far more bearable for our tinier passengers...

Dana

Sometimes I would sit in the back and let my teen SS sit in the front (usually when I wanted to be with our dogs who were also in the car LOL!). Anyway, sometimes he actually started to think he should be in the front and I reminded him that "you're the kid, I'm the parent....you sit in the back" (always with a smile, but stated firmly so he would get it). I also agree with those who think it is an important message being sent to the child about our proper places in society (who doesn't know that that is the coveted seat?!).

My sister had the same issue with her own son calling "shotgun" and expecting her to sit in the back seat! Neither she nor I could understand why her husband didn't see that it was inappropriate for her to be in the back with the two younger sons, while the teenage kid sat up front with his Dad! It IS necessary to send those kids a message.

Oh yeah, and there's the safety issue.......makes the whole discussion moot. Kids in back, end of story.

Yesterday at a family dinner, my daughter sat in the seat at the head of the table. My husband ended up sitting in a smaller, barstool type chair, on Father's Day. You're darn tootin' I had her move. Why? Because that's the circle of life! When you're a kid, you sit at the "kid table". You sit in the dreadful backseat. That's why kids always say, "I can't wait until I'm a grown up!" Yes, it's a form of respect, and big deal! There are so few of those left nowadays, I'll take them where I can get them. One thing I've noticed about kids these days (I know I sound old, I'm the ripe ol' age of 32, but was raised in the old school) is they have no reverence, nothing is sacred because they've done everything by the time they're grown. Small pleasures like the front seat even. My 9 year old is still in a booster chair!
So yes, I see where she's coming from, no, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it's disrespectful, and I'd park my butt in that front seat no questions asked. Parents sometimes think kids have options! Guess what? They do only if you allow them.

My 8yr old step daughter did the same to me in the begining, It was like an automatic, there was no other option. I brought it up to her dad and he shrugged it off as a period of adjustment so I went along w/it, Then my very old school soon to be mother -in-law found out jumped in and spoke to her son and her grand daughter. Don't know what she said but the next time we picked her up she went to the back seat.

I don't understand why the OP in this position isn't trying to get to the underlying reason why the SD feels the need to mark her territory in the first place. Maybe the child can sit in the back, but clearly that means the father needs to do some things to reassure his daughter of his love for her. Maybe he could hold conversations with her and the stepmother can try to join in - or maybe the stepmother can do things to include the stepdaughter so she doesn't feel left out. Being in the backseat by yourself can be kind of lonely, especially if you're craving attention from your own father. I believe NO ONE should stand in the way of that - a child's self-esteem is set at such an early age - it's important not to try to 'compete' with this child... set the rules and then make sure that the child knows she's loved.

Forcing her to sit in the back and making that the end of it seems counterproductive to me AND it leads me to believe that this is all about the OP (the stepmom) marking her own territory.

This forum just seems so inclined to 'put stepchildren in their places' to the exclusion of actually creating family unity. If the stepchild sits in the back, will the OP be happy then? Or would the OP even care about the ramifications on the stepdaughter?

Get to the root of the problem and let's not focus on the superficial stuff that is masquerading as concern. I say masquerading because I think the whole 'it's not safe' argument is just a convenient excuse to make the child sit in the back so the stepmother doesn't feel 'uncomfortable'.

It doesn't even begin to address the real issue. How sad.

"this is all about the OP (the stepmom) marking her own territory.

This forum just seems so inclined to 'put stepchildren in their places' to the exclusion of actually creating family unity."

I think you hit the nail on the head.

I agree that they should try to see if there is a reason for her insecurity.

However, as for me speaking as a bio mom and a step mom (I love them all!) I wouldn't take the backseat to any of my children (step or bio) and I certainly wouldn't expect my DH to take the backseat to any of them either. What is good for one is good for all.

I am trying to think of all of the people I know with children and I can't think of one of them that sits in the backseat while the kids ride in the front (with both parents present). Honestly what would anyone do in this situation. I think most people would find it odd. For instance if you were at a stoplight and glanced in the car next to you and noticed a parent sitting in the back and the child in the front (of course not knowing what the family situation is) woudln't it seem odd? It is definately not normal (at least not where I am from).

Before I get hammered for giving my opinion don't forget that I do agree that they need to reassure the girl that she is loved the same as before and show her that she just has one more person in her life to love her. Her feelings are definately important.

I'm a stepdaughter, but when I was a kid with my two bio parents, riding in the front was a privilege. Back then, we didn't know it could KILL.

Would your husband let his precious DD play in the freeway? Dive headfirst into a shallow pool? Drink heavily? Ride a motorcycle without a helmet? Heck, ride a bike without a helmet?

The kid needs to be in the back seat. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

Phoenics: "Forcing her to sit in the back and making that the end of it seems counterproductive to me AND it leads me to believe that this is all about the OP (the stepmom) marking her own territory.

This forum just seems so inclined to 'put stepchildren in their places' to the exclusion of actually creating family unity. If the stepchild sits in the back, will the OP be happy then? Or would the OP even care about the ramifications on the stepdaughter?

Get to the root of the problem and let's not focus on the superficial stuff that is masquerading as concern. I say masquerading because I think the whole 'it's not safe' argument is just a convenient excuse to make the child sit in the back so the stepmother doesn't feel 'uncomfortable'."

TOS: "This forum just seems so inclined to 'put stepchildren in their places' to the exclusion of actually creating family unity."

I think you hit the nail on the head."

Well if there is even a relatively small car accident the 8 year girl sitting in frot can explain all the way to the hospital how much she feel loved by her father who let her sit in front even if it UNSAFE and illegal.
And the father can explain the good reasons he endangered his daughter for all the way to the court...And eventually they can have "family unity" at the child's funeral....

THE FRONT SEAT IS UNSAFE FOR CHILDREN. PERIOD. Sitting in front can easily kill a child even at 10 mph (the velocity at the crash needed for the airbag to deploy, an airbag can literally decapitate a child below 10), and even if there is no airbag, the regular seat belts can not protect children from huge trauma to their head, abdomen and legs.

CHILDREN BELONG IN THE BACK, on tested, in regular CHILDREN or BOOSTER SEATS till they are at least 12, if you want what is good for them.
If you instead wish just to feel good with your self, avoid temper tantrums, and feel like a Disney' dad or SM, let them sit in front if they wish and the devil may care what happes if you have even a minor accident....

You can investigate the psychological reasons of an 8 year old wanting to sit in front as much as you want but FOR HER OWN SAFETY SHE SHOULD NOT BE PERMITTED TO SIT THERE; EVEN FOR A SHORT TRIP TO THE GROCERY.

And TOS, it is true "the proper place" for a child (step or bio) IN A CAR is in the back seats and all these wicked SM here are showing more consideration for this little girl's safety than you, that are supposedly so child-focused or centric..
BTW, do YOUR younger children travel in the front or in the back seat in your car ? and if, heaven forbid, your ex husband or your ex-husband GF were to transpot them by car, would you like for them to sit in back or in front ?

CHILDREN SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF CARS IN NEW YORK

By: Ryan OÂNeil, Research Assistant

You asked for details about a New York law that prohibits children under the age of 12 from riding in the front seat of cars and how successful this legislation had been.

After a search of New York statutes online and a consultation with New YorkÂs Legislative Reference Library, we were unable to find a statute that prohibits children of any age from sitting in the front seat. New York does require that (1) everyone, regardless of age, riding in the front seat wear seat belts; (2) children under age four must sit in a child-safety seat (which may be placed in the front or rear seat); and (3) children under the age of 16 sitting in the backseat wear seat belts (N. Y. Veh. & Traffic Laws (Consol. ) 7A33 § 1229-c).

========================================

Lets not confuse what is legal vs. what SM wants. Two different things.

searer,

No one is arguing that the back seat is not safer than the front, a fact of which I am sure you are well aware. That was not the point of phoenics' post.

Actually, I am a little surprised this particular thread was brought up again. But, again this has absolutely nothing to do with what SMs want. It is unsafe for a child under the age of 10 to be in the front seat of the car. While we're busy pointing fingers and accusing SMs of letting there own selfish needs to get in the way of a childs need to feel the love of her father... let's not let our need to tell SMs that they are wrong about every little thing get in the way of children's safety. This is just as ridiculous as ANYTHING that any of the SMs here have been accused of.

The fact remains, that the child should not be in the front seat. And further more, aside from all of the safety issues this presents ... a child, step child, bio child... any child does not determine where they sit in the car. The adult does. I am soooo tired of hearing about self esteem this and feel the love that... talk to your children, be there for your children, guide your children and by all means show your love for your child. Do not let your children make decisions that a child has no business making. Do not let CHILDREN run the family. They are not adults for the very reason that they are not capable of making these decisions yet.

kkny"Lets not confuse what is legal vs. what SM wants. Two different things."

I am sure that the whole web site of the National Highway Trasportation Safety Administration was done with SMs 'wishes in mind as it plainly states
"Children 12 and under should ride properly restrained in the back seat. They should use child safety seats, booster seats, or safety belts appropriate for their age and size. " see
http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/people/injury/childps/newtips/pages/Tip6.htm

TOS, you posted : "No one is arguing that the back seat is not safer than the front, a fact of which I am sure you are well aware. That was not the point of phoenics' post."

phoenics posted " I don't understand why the OP in this position isn't trying to get to the underlying reason why the SD feels the need to mark her territory in the first place. Maybe the child can sit in the back, but clearly that means the father needs to do some things to reassure his daughter of his love for her. Maybe he could hold conversations with her and the stepmother can try to join in - or maybe the stepmother can do things to include the stepdaughter so she doesn't feel left out. Being in the backseat by yourself can be kind of lonely, especially if you're craving attention from your own father. I believe NO ONE should stand in the way of that - a child's self-esteem is set at such an early age - it's important not to try to 'compete' with this child... set the rules and then make sure that the child knows she's loved.
Forcing her to sit in the back and making that the end of it seems counterproductive to me AND it leads me to believe that this is all about the OP (the stepmom) marking her own territory."

this was the gist of phoenics'post.
The point is that SD can have a lot of underlying problems of any kind BUT AN 8 YEAR OLD GIRL IS UNSAFE IN THE FRONT SEAT.
The back seat can be "kind of lonely" but it is the safer place in a car for this SD. And please remember that you can and should raise the self-esteem of a 8 year old girl and giving her attention without putting her at risk of a car accident

Searer said

"Well if there is even a relatively small car accident the 8 year girl sitting in frot can explain all the way to the hospital how much she feel loved by her father who let her sit in front even if it UNSAFE and illegal."

ILLEGAL ???

Its illegal in my state as well. I believe its like a 500 fine.

I've had to deal with the 'sit by me Daddy' phase as well, although not in the car because we keep them in the back but in restaurants, plane rides, etc..part of it is insecurity part of it is just a kid phase. All kids go through some extent of a 'I want just Mommy' or 'I want just Daddy' phase, seems to be kinda intensified in SKids though...

Sieryn,

I didnt see where any else said it is illegal in their state. What state do you think it is illegal in?

And I do see this as SM "marking her territory", which will escalate issues.

kkny wrote:"I didnt see where any else said it is illegal in their state. What state do you think it is illegal in?

And I do see this as SM "marking her territory", which will escalate issues."

So if it just unsafe (according to ALL indipendent authorities, I dare you to find somebody advocating children undr 12 sitting on the front seat) but not illegal, is it okay ?

And to prevent the SM possibly "marking her territory", you are willing to put a child in danger ?

I would like to know if I am breaking law when a child sits in front. I drive in more than one state.

And yes, the motivation of the SM matters.

Even a dog knows the difference between being kicked and somone stumbling over him. The SCs know the difference too.

A lot of issues have come out of this, but primarily, why would a parent allow an eight-year old child to make a decision on something that could kill her?

Would her Dad let her play in the middle of the interstate just because she wanted to? His job is to protect his little girl. She is not old enough to understand what could happen to her if they had a car accident.

Here's what OP actually said:

"what bothers me is that it makes me feel like I'm being put on the same level as a child because her father lets her and doesn't seem to think that theres anything wrong with this"

and

"I have already mentioned the safety aspect to him and it doesnt seem to bother him."

and

"BM does not let the child sit in front because of the saftey issue and hubby has said as punishment to his daughter that he'll make her sit in the back the way her mom does...."

sounds like *dad*, not daughter or wife or ex, is the problem:

Even though his wife has objected on the basis of family roles & safety, he continues to have the little girl sit in the front seat.

He's using "sitting in the front" to compete favorably with the daughter's mother, & he threatens to withhold this treat as a punishment, treating her "the way your (her) mom does".

He's doing it *even though he knows it isn't safe* & even though his wife doesn't think he should do it, & even though his ex doesn't do it, & probably doesn't know that he does it.

If you were this little girl's mother, wouldn't you object to her dad doing this?

I think I'd blow a gasket.

Certainly, the posters who say that for safety the child ought to be in the back seat are correct.

And just as certainly, the posters who comment that the real issue here doesn't seem to be child safety, but the competition between the stepmother and the stepdaughter, are just as correct. The OP posted this on the Stepfamily forum, not a child safety forum, and her post does indeed seem to indicate that her concern is about family issues. She didn't even mention safety.

What she DID say: "I feel that this is her way of letting me know that she's insecure in the re[la]tionship. But what bothers me is that it makes me feel like I'm being put on the same level as a child ...."

THAT'S what the post is about, and it's no answer to say that because children belong in the back, period, there is no issue. Moving the girl to the back seat isn't going to solve the problem of competition for "front place" in Dad/Husband's life.

If readers can't get past the diversion of the safety issue, then recast the question to remove the safety issue. Imagine that the poster were driving, and her husband sat in the back with his daughter, or the question were about who sits where at a dinner table or something.

I think that both the OP and the daughter have very legitimate feelings here. The little girl had her Daddy, when she did have him, all to herself before. Now she has been moved to the back -- literally. But Dad is entitled to happiness, too, and so is the OP, and certainly she is entitled to feel like she is being treated as an adult. Without the blended family, I suppose the answer is usually, "Kids in back, adults in front; tough luck!" But to do that here, even masking it with the safety concern, just papers over the girl's and woman's very legitimate feelings.

She's a kid; she has to ride in back for safety. But I would try to find some other way to shore up her feelings of security in her dad's heart. This will play itself out in other areas of life where they won't be able to play the "safety" trump card.

Finally, don't assume this is all due to the remarriage. Even without a blended family, sometimes spouses come first, sometimes children do. That's life. You don't always get your first choice, but you adjust, and it is a lot easier if there is good will and understanding all around. It may not always seem fair to the OP any more than to the child; but she is the adult, and as a stepparent, is also partly responsible for the little girl's emotional growth and well-being now.

Maybe sometimes the OP could ride in back with the little girl? Then they have their own bond to share rather than only ever competing for the place by Dad/Husband's side.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I always fought for the front seat when it was available. When mom and dad were both in the car, both parents sat in the front, and the kids went in the back -- there were no questions and no arguments. I didn't resent either one of my parents for getting the front seat.

Uncles, aunts, grandparents, friends of parents, the school coach -- these people all automatically get the front seat without having to argue with a child for it. Why is it always such a huge deal when the step parent wants the same treatment that all the other adults get?

It's a huge deal in THIS case because, right or wrong, before the stepmom came along, the little girl DID ride in front. Yes, she has to move to the back, and there are good reasons for it, both safety and orangetree's point. But those good reasons won't take away the emotional impact of being literally moved out of the front spot. This family will have to find some way of dealing with that.

By the same token, the OP worries that "I'm being put on the same level as a child because her father lets her and doesn't seem to think that theres anything wrong with this." No matter who sits where in the car, if she feels he disrespects her, or, on the other extreme, if she insists that she must always come before his child 100% of the time, then that's another issue, even if they never ride in a car again.

All kids want to sit in the front and I don't blame them. I would hate to sit in the back and looking at the back of the front seats. I would keep booster seats in the back as long as the kids would use them. At least they could see out. I made my grandchildren take turns, that might work for you.

"It's my turn, you sat with him last time".

When I was a little kid and Daddy was dating someone who *actually* made the cut of me meeting them the downside was that when the three of us went someplace I had to go sit in the back. The current girlfriend got the good view and got to sit next to Daddy, it stank. Even worse when the current girlfriend would sit in *my* chair at the kitchen table or the couch or whatever. This was all a long time ago and I'm all grown up now. :)

The thing is though that *your* step daughter is all of 8. She has no real control over whatÂs going on in her life. And even if she liked you *a lot* she may well be becoming more and more aware that you are stealing away *her* Daddy. (yeah I know, you aren't. But you are absorbing time and attention that used to be hers)

Work it out with her father, not her. Spend time with her, even if she's a bit on the cool side so that she can adjust to the new situation and make her own relationship with you. Maybe also do more driving yourself with him sitting up front (driver makes the rules) and she can get used to the idea of being in back and throw in some positive reinforcement like the person in the back picks the radio station (you could even develop hideous taste in music to get her to *want* to make the music choices).

This part here may be the rough one, but I think you ought to keep it in mind. Her father chose to get involved with you and you chose to get involved with her father. She probably had little to no say in your barreling into her life and her family. Try to be mindful of that and try to be patent and make your own relationship with her.

My child has ALWAYS rode in the backseat,and is Always by herself.At age 8,not only should this SD be in the backseat,she should maybe even have a booster chair of some sort to be strapped into.Seems like her father is more concerned with being her friend than being her parent.Maybe OP should print out some websites of child safety laws regarding children riding in the front seat and print them out for him to see.

redheadedstepchild, that was a very thoughtful post.

A parent's finding happiness with someone new is a good thing. But it's a good thing that someone else, not the child, chose, and it requires adjustments in her life. It's not fair to demand that she not have any feelings about that, and it's foolish to ignore that she will or to expect that it can all resolve instantly or even quickly.

There are lots of things in life like this, not just in step-families. Think about a sibling being born or a move to a new city. Those may be the best things that ever happen to the child, but they weren't within his/her control. Even a child who is thrilled about it has some adjustment to make and some healthy, natural resentment. Can you remember something like that in your own childhood, and how it felt?

Parents -- step-or bio -- are the adults in the picture, and they have to respect those feelings. That doesn't mean that the adults' feelings are meaningless, always letting the child have her preference, reversing adult-child roles, always putting her first, and certainly not letting her choose unsafe options.

But it does mean that if you think you can ignore a child's feelings by citing a safety or generational respect rule, you're not only kidding yourself, you're asking for trouble. I think redheadedstepchild's ideas and tricks, and most of all her advice to be PATIENT, are excellent.