stepdaughter always wants to sit with her dad??!1
lostdazed
16 years ago
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lostdazed
16 years agoweed30 St. Louis
16 years agoRelated Discussions
my stepdaughter never include me on any of her achievements?
Comments (10)I can TOTALLY sympathize with you!! I have 3 SD's - ages 29, 21 and 20. Two youngest live with DH and I. Their mother committed suicide in 2005 and I came into their life in 2006, married their dad in late 2007. Since I have been part of their lives I have done everything for them - taking them places, making sure they had updated shots for college, got them enrolled, made sure everything they needed was acquired and paid for, paid a lot of my own money for things they have needed or wanted. Taken them to many places, dried tears, stood up for them, took them on trip to NYC for a week, you name it. And after all this, I found out that the 20 year old and the married with 2 kids 29 year old have been talking horribly about me behind my back for god knows how long. Saying I was a lazy ass because I slept late on a Saturday morning, saying I wasn't a responsible adult because I apparently didn't do something they thought I should have done. They have never said thank you or given me credit for ANYTHING. On Mother's Day I didn't even get a hug or a smile - nothing. Instead the 20 year old moped around and then she and her sisters all went out to dinner together to "be together" in honor of their mother. I have NO problem with the girls missing their mom, but they act like BM was absolutely perfect and I'm horrible. My own BD, their SS, doesn't like them either and I feel like I have 2 separate families. My BD is married, lives an hour away and works full-time. I feel like I neglect her a lot in favor of the SD's who don't give a damn about me. Husband knows my feelings have been hurt by his daughters but he doesn't want me to talk about it or ever bring it up. I have lost that loving feeling for these girls and about to lose it with their dad. Don't want to, but it's hard to even look at them now. They don't know that I found out what they have been saying....should I confront them or just ask them "why?" I really would like to know, but don't want to start a war....See More(long) Help! Stepdaughter wants to move in...
Comments (34)I once heard (I think it was in a song), that "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will". Being "in love" is an immature physical/emotional response that happens when you meet someone, and they give you the 'warm fuzzies'. LOVE, the stuff that keeps you going when your world is falling apart. It's what keeps a couple together when one has suffered a tragic dibilitating accident, or is facing rounds of chemo and radiation. It's what makes a person willing to make tremendous self sacrifices, in order to see that the person they love has what they need...the parent who skips meals to allow their hungry child to have extra when there isn't enough food (third world countries)...the person who risks their own life to protect someone who is persecuted (think of during the hollocost...the ones who risked their lives to save the jewish people who were being persecuted)...the man who works eighty hours a week, in order to pay his child support and still allow his new wife to keep her dream of staying home with the baby (THANK HUBBY!!). It's the mother who spends the night holding her sick child even though she has puke on her slippers and her legs are cramping from not being able to move (Thanks mom!). It's the man that spent twenty years twisting wrenches, to keep his family housed and fed, it's what kept that same man doing it, even when the arthritis set in or his knuckles bled from scraping them while fixing cars, or that time he grounded an electrical short in a motor through his wrist watch, welding it to his flesh. Gruesome but true. (Thanks dad...) LOVE is not a feeling. It's what's left after the honeymoon is over, the warm fuzzies have faded. After you've come to realize that that little thing he does really ISN'T cute. After he's come to realize that you (leave the dishes in the sink for three days at a time, stay on the computer until midnight, sometimes annoy the heck out of him...) It's being WILLING to look past the other persons faults and realizing that your life wouldn't be as fulfilling, as meaningful, if that person wasn't in it. It's making a choice, a decision, to do what makes THEM happy, even if it doesn't make you happy, because it will make THEIR life richer. Falling 'in love' is what brings people together, but it's making the choice to develope that into real LOVE, and then acting on that choice, that keeps them there. Maybe that's why so many people divorce. That fuzzy feeling fades and they decide they want out. Maybe I'm lucky. I grew up with both my parents, and they have both demonstrated real love, both for each other and for us, throughout our lives. The personal selfsacrifice for the betterment of others. It's funny, in a sad sort of way, but it seems to me that there would be a lot less people on here if there was more REAL love in our homes. When there is love, there isn't room for selfishness. These dads...who want to be a father to all of their children, not just the ones from their current relationship...that's love. They understand that fighting for access or custody could cause them financial ruin, and that it can make their adult relationships more difficult, especially if they don't have an understanding partner, but they are willing anyway, because they know that their childs life will not be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they grow up without one of their parents. Any partner of a parent needs to understand that their partners life won't be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they are denied the ability to parent their child. It shouldn't matter if it makes it harder for you, LOVE isn't about you. It's about him, or her, or them. You SHOULD love your children, and you can, because it IS a choice, an 'act of the will'. As a parent or step-parent you aren't called to LIKE your children all the time, heck, you aren't even called to like your SPOUSE all the time, but you are called to LOVE them. And you can...because it's a decision. Read "Words of Hope" by Bananarama...I'm pretty sure she didn't always like the kids, but she decided to LOVE them...and look, twenty years later that love is being returned in multiple, through both 'her' children and now grandchildren. Love is working through the hard times to get to the better...no matter how far off it seems. And the funny thing is...the more you give that type of love away, not worrying about your own wants, the more of it you give...the more it's returned. Trinkets and toys, money, a bigger house, a newer car, a life with someone who never challenges you to step outside your comfort zone, never asks you to become a better person, that maybe tidy, easy, comfortable, but it will never bring lasting happyness. Loving someone may not give you a 'tidy life', but it will give you a life worth living. My life with(out) step-children is hard, messy, ugly, stressful, draining...I can admit that...but at the same time, pouring my life, my very soul into those I love, my husband, my son, my stepkids, that is what makes my life ultimately fulfilling. When I am (hopefully) old, I would rather die, knowing that, with love, I have enriched the lives of those around me, than die, knowing that I lived only for myself, and left noone who will celebrate my life or mourn my death. They say the best way to love your children is to love their other parent. If you have a child of your own, with your current partner, but you are unwilling to love your partner in the way he needs and deserves (such as encouraging and supporting him in his desire to parent his other children) then in reality, by not showing love to your spouse, you are not loving your own child. It's something worth thinking about. Verena...See MoreStepdaughters' lies and blaming stepmom
Comments (22)Hi all, I'm new. I just want to say that many of the issues you mention really aren't YOUR issues. Things like her fraudulant lawsuits for example. I have an ex who's always frauding someone...but it's not my problem. The system will catch up and when it does, they'll have to pay somehow. You need to focus on dealing with the children when they're in your care, and disregard what they do in her care, unless they're in danger. You seem to have stopped the spanking but maybe you should make their Dad handle all the discipline. You could even try a "wait until your father gets home" stance when they are in your care and your husband is away. Once you stop engaging with them, they will stop engaging with you. You've only been married two years, so you have a long road ahead. Your nit-picky issues are just that, little nit-picky issues. I'd blow them off and laugh it off as a jealous bio-mom...those do exists sometimes. You know YOU and those around you know YOU...don't waste your time focusing on what she says or does. Keep documenting everything and always anticipate the worst, but hope for the best. If the relationship with the girls is broken, I'd really try mending it. If you're interested in some ways, let me know, maybe we can get creative. If you plan to stay married, you really need to get along with his kids, they don't go away after they turn 18, only the CS....See More17 year old stepdaughter wants an abortion
Comments (16)I'm not up to date on abortion laws in every state, but I have been under the impression that you don't need a parent's permission to get an abortion. I had my son when I was 17 and when I needed any medical care related to my pregnancy, I did not need a parent's consent. Of course, that was 22 years ago and if I had wanted an abortion, I would not have needed consent. However, regardless of the laws... I agree that she should not have a child she doesn't want to raise. There are many of us raising kids that the parent(s) apparently don't want to raise or take care of and there are too many unwanted kids. I also agree that birth control should have been used/provided but what's done is done. My personal opinion is that when you make your bed, you lie in it. But, then only if you are truly going to lie in it. I had my kids way too young but I devoted myself to be a mom to them & have always done my best as their mom and to sacrifice. (ie. giving up partying when I was a young adult, nightclubbing, and to a great extent, I gave up my social life...) If your stepdaughter isn't ready to devote her life to a baby, then she shouldn't have to have one because you or your husband think it's wrong. If what you say is true, I feel sorry for this girl that is having to go through this alone. I imagine how hard it must be to, not only be alone, but to have people fighting the urge to be angry at her. Where is her loving supportive dad that should comfort her? He doesn't have to approve of what she did or what she is doing, but she should know his love is unconditional. And BTW, I am pro life. My beliefs and what happens in the real world are two different things. In my perfect world, people would always do the right thing... not have kids when they can't take care of them, not have kids when they don't want them and they would take responsibility for what they do. That doesn't always happen and I am realistic enough to know that while I don't agree with abortion, sometimes it's better than bringing a child into a life they will only suffer in....See Morelostdazed
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