I really do not see where SD being threatened or embarassed by a baby has anything to do with this situation. Her father did not need her permission to marry and have a baby. Sd is an adult so if the situation bugs her that much she can move out. She doesn't have to stay there and if she chosses to she has to be decent to the ones wiping her grown behind no matter HOW close in age they are to her.

I don't mean to be blunt but there is a price you pay for not being independant and eating sh*t with a smile when it comes to the rent paying adults in the home falls under that catergory. It's an unfortunate consequence for grown kids that won't fly the coop but it's life. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Hi Jen,
He can't physically make her work. He can give ultimatums. It sounds to me like they had a routine going (you've been together 2 years, so she was 18 when you started dating?) and now that is changing and it is changing because of you. Not that you are bad, but it's easy to see how she might feel. She and dad had a good thing going until Jen came along. Now it's all about Jen and the baby. I can imagine the thought process:

What about me? I was here first! Why is everything changing and I am the only one negatively impacted? Life is so unfair! I hate Jen. I'll never like that stupid baby. I've been consulted about everything before and now they just go and change everything. No one thought about me. I'm insignificant.

And she's probably jealous and crazy-mixed-up. No, she doesn't want Dad for her sexual partner, but she resents that you are now closer to him than she is.

We only children tend to be a little self-absorbed :) When you say you make dinner and do some special stuff, she probably feels it's her due. She's the kid! Parents are supposed to do nice things for their kids. I always take out the broccoli from my dd's plate because she doesn't like it. I prepare mushrooms but remove them from my husband's plate because he doesn't prefer them. That's something normal that is done, not something special. It may seem like you are making an effort, but that is something I would expect as a family member.

If she's not happy about the baby, I can see why she wouldn't want to go to a party celebrating you and the baby. It doesn't make it right, but I do understand.

I agree with Justme, she's being a brat. And.........

Doodle, thats fine, but I dont think it how Dad sees it. At least not from what was provided above. You can make all the rules you want for your kids, but it doesnt seem like OPs DH sees things that way. That is why my advice would be to calm down and discuss rationally.

You have 2 problems, but the bigger one, that contributes to & enables the louder & more dangerous one, is your husband.

I can just imagine what my father would have said to me had I had the audacity to act the way this young woman has acted.

&, as old as I am, & if I live to be a hundred, if he were still here & I pulled that kind of nonsense, he wouldn't stand for it today either.

Her behavior doesn't sound like she's embarrassed by her father's having reproduced; it sounds like rage & hostility & entitlement expressed as verbal *aggression*.

& verbal aggression escalates to physical aggression.

I wouldn't let her near my baby.

Regardless of a 20-year-old *woman* (she's much too old for teen-aged angst) feeling "embarrassed" over her father's new baby or resentful at his having married (or at his having married a younger woman), she has no business taking her rage out on other human beings.

Her father needs to lay down the law & make it stick, & if he won't...

well, as I said, I'd keep my baby safe.

I wish you the best.

Well then if that's the case KKNY I'd be packing my bags with my baby and let the creep continue to let his grown child run his life with out me:) I wouldn't for one second have a grown up treating me like poo in my house. If it was my home the person causing me grief would get bounced and if it wasn't MY house I would divorce the turd, he'd pay me child support and I'd leave.

Sounds like thats OP's options.

"I wouldn't let her near my baby."

OP, this is good advice. Don't leave her alone around the baby. It isn't worth the risk.

KKNY, I said repulsed. I said "And I think it's normal for kids to be repulsed when their parents make babies. "

Doodle, you have a point.

Folks are already judgmental when they come across significant age gap relationships. Although it is wrong, I would be very surprised if you haven't already dealt with others disapproval....

With that said, I'm sure SD is acutely aware of that judgment. You really have no idea what others have said to her and believe me, they do say things or imply things. It is shocking and/or very amusing to some people. And people are jerks lol.

And yes, it is embarassing and can be seen as threatening when your parents have children in a 20 year plus age gap. Its strange. Situations can be very awkward. There is this pressure put on you to take some special interest in the baby...when you really aren't there in your time of life or you're thinking I am old enough to be this "siblings" mother. It's an understatement to say it's just awkward lol. It gets even worse when the older one does have children, there is the pressure for the half sibs to bond or whatever the parents think but the oldest one is moving into a different phase of life, having their own children.

With all that said, her reactions and behavior is not acceptable. It might help to have a heart to heart conversation with her....let her tell you guys these things, even though it may hurt you and Dad, it also hurts SD carrying it around.

I do agree with Nivea and KKNY that if there hasn't been a big family sit down and pour out session...it's past due. EVERYONE, not just SD, needs to get feelings as well as expectations (meaning expectations of SD) out in the open. Feelings need to be aknowledged as well as limits to clear up any confusion.

oh wow, doodle? is that you? lol, nice seeing you back.

My stepdaughters are 15 and 16 and our newest addition is 10 months. Neither have had any adjustment issues whatsoever - to the contrary, both have been absolutely wonderful and held my hand throughout the pregnancy, cheered me on during labor and absolutely adore their baby brother. Of course, my stepdaughters are the bestest teenagers in the whole wide worlds so perhaps that's the reason!!! I don't think an age gap between the children and/or the fact that SM is younger than DH has anything to do with it - I think everything depends upon the family's overall feelings toward one another. Just my thoughts...

How she feels or why she feels it is not your problem, and I'm sorry you had to be bombarded with that. I know you have already spoken with your husband umpteen times, so I hope you give him your list of stipulations and mean what you say. If he doesn't do as you wish, which is entirely reasonable, then DO move out and not just threaten that you will. Otherwise, what is the point besides the appearance of your version of a temper tantrum? I do have a problem with item #2. You cannot make her pay attention to the baby and you shouldn't want to (and really should keep her away from him as suggested), but you can control the environment he lives in. Between now and the time that he is "crawling and more alert and aware of people" is plenty of advance notice she cannot still be living in his home, or it is plenty advance notice that you and your son should not still be living there.

His 20 year old daughter still lives at home and it is driving a wedge in between us. Here is a little backstory. My husband and I have been together for two years. He babies his daughter unbelievably. She is 20, not in college, and only works 15-20 hours a week at a family business. She is rude to me, and my family.

so, was this the situation when you married him?

Anyway, these are the stipulations I want to give my husband... I know that sounds so business-like, but he hasn't done anything about my complaints so far, so I don't know what else to do. If he won't agree to these, then I am leaving. Please tell me if I am being unfair!!!

The specific things you are asking for are, in and of themselves, fair. However, if the situation is the same now as it was when you married, and if none of this was hidden from you ahead of time, then yes imo it is unfair to marry him knowing the situation and the deal with the daughter and then two years later unilaterally decide to demand things change to your specification or you will take his baby and leave.

Just to be clear; the specific things you want are reasonable. But if you are under the impression that you can marry and have a child with someone THEN change him to better suit you, that is not only likely to be seen by him as incredibly unfair, but, more importantly, highly likely to be unsuccessful.

To use a completely unrelated example, many people would find it fair and reasonable to expect your spouse to refrain from becoming morbidly obese. However, if you marry someone who weighs 500 pounds, then two years later give him an ultimatum to lose the weight, that is certainly unfair. So, did your husband "babie(d) his daughter unbelievably" when you married him? (when she was, what, 18?)If so, yes, expecting him to stop now is unfair, even though the specific living situation you are looking for is totally reasonable.

So... do you truly want to divorce if the specifics you have detailed aren't met? You have every right to make that choice. If you made a mistake and married someone you shouldn't have, and are unwilling to live in the situation as you find it, you have every right to correct the situation and divorce the bum. And, you also have every right to let him know ahead of time "this is the bare minimum of what I need to stay. if you can't meet this, i'm gone". But, if what you have in mind is deciding that what you want is "fair" and therefore giving him an ultimatum and thinking he will meet it... I suspect you will not get the results you want.

Jen-

Your situation is very unfortunate. Your SD is obviously quite immature and perhaps on the spoiled side, but I think the bigger issue is that she is jealous of you.

IMO her jealousy is two-fold. I think in many instances kids feel displaced and angry when a BP remarries. I know I had many problems with my adult SD's. Your problem is compounded by the fact that you are only SIX years older than your SD. If you met her under any other circumstances, say at an exercise class, or as a coworker, you'd probably be her peer or perhaps she'd be a manager with some say over her work life. As she sees it, you have her dad's ear and some say over her home life. I know, if you really had his ear this situation wouldn't be as bad as it is, but you get my point.

Regarding her half bro, you are so much closer in age to her than she is to him. I don't buy the crap that she is disgusted or embarrassed that her dad had relations. She's just pi$$ed. It's true that no one wants to know that their parent has sex, but again I think it's more the age difference between you and her than between him and you. You're nearly her age and took her father and she sure is heck isn't going to listen to anything that you have to say nor respect you because you would at most be her peer.

You're right to speak with your DH. I would do the same. Also, I think it's pretty rude to get up, see who's at the door and then go back to the couch because it's your relative, but she is immature and I guess her passive aggressive behavior is the only way she knows how to express herself. Good luck.

Gerina, I dont know how you can possibly know whether the SD is embarrassed. My D (not that much younger than the SD in question) is grossed out when older men hit on her or her friends. And in this situation, SD may think are friends are much closer in age to SM than to her. Yes of course she should speak to her DH, but I dont see how you can be so sure of her motives.

KKNY-

Boy, if you aren't the pot calling the kettle black! You are the QUEEN of making your assumptions fact. You can't possibly "know for certain" all of the crap that you assume and spew as fact, and yet you force it upon rest of us much of the time. A few of the responses here, mainly yours as I just reread some of the posts, think SD is embarrassed (an opinion not a fact) and I am offering up another thought. I don't know that the SD is embarrassed or not, but I think she is a lot more angry than she is embarrassed and that's just my opinion.

If the SD in question is grossed out by "older men" hitting on gals her age, then I think her issue would be with her father. I don't believe that ten years difference between spouses is a big deal, but because this SM is only six years older than the SD it is significant.

It isn't unreasonable or wrong for a 36 year-old man, as the OP alluded as his age, to become a father. I have a 38 year-old friend who recently married for the first time and he plans to start a family soon. It's a lot more unreasonable and unfortunate for a 16 year-old to become father, but accidents like that happen all of the time. There are so many teenagers who become parents. They haven't even grown up themselves. Is it wrong for them to want to have a child when they are older and hopefully more mature and able to provide for their family?

Anyway, I'm not condemning the SD, but merely suggesting another angle to explain her disrespectful behavior.

jennbmal, you have to be able to wade through all the speculation and other nonsense. I guess confusion would happen no matter who you speak to, whether in person, on the phone, or on the internet as it were. At least one thing was stated though that I would completely agree with under other circumstances, which is you are wrong to expect to change him after marrying him or change the living situation. I would agree with this and have said it myself a number of times, but I don't think it applies to your stipulations. What you ask for are nothing other than simple respect.

Item #1 is right because you, yourself, do not have to become the bread winner in the house and be expected to take care of and provide for his grown, disrespecful, inconsiderate, selfish, demanding, childish, and ungrateful daughter. You have not been doing it. He has. But he won't be the one anymore. Naturally that would be expected to change. He cannot expect you to go along with that program because the program will no longer be the same.

Item #3 is something he should already have done. It is sad and sorry that he hasn't and that you have to pose the request to him as an ultimatum. Shameful actually. He not only condones his daughter's disrespect of his wife, he supports and enables it. You are now at the point of being so sick of it that you want to leave your husband in order to be comfortable and happy in your own home. You are absolutely right to demand this of him now in no uncertain terms. I don't care if it is 2 years later or 10 years later. You've been asking him to take care of it to the point that you're sure he is tired of hearing you. Please ignore any suggestion to the contrary. You are tired of enduring it, and that is all that counts. He should have taken care of it himself, but he thought too little of you to heed your constant prompting.

Item #4 is the same as #1. The program will change, therefore you have every reason and right to expect she be expected to change along with it. There is no one on this earth who wants to work a job all day, come home to an infant, and do whatever else you must (cook, laundry, cleaning, or whatever), and have to clean up after her. She lives there and contributes to the need for household chores and should be expected to contribute in doing those chores.

I think the daughter is push, push, pushing so that she does get kicked out of the home...that way she'll get sympathy or can gritch up a storm for some one else being the A$$hole. She's wanting someone, anyone to get up in her face, just like a hormonal teenager.
I'm just wondering how much the father will take of this nonsense.

I absolutely cannot imagine anyone talking to me in the manner described, cannot imagine it. I also cannot imagine tolerating it either.

It seems obvious she's trying hard to get a rise or reaction. And like some of the others are suggesting I think that she'll keep raising the bar until it more than likely gets physical.

I'd imagine your hubby must be feeling quite strung out with two women tugging in opposite directions for his attention. And at this point it sounds as though he's paralyzed by fear of losing, no matter what action he takes.
My suggestion would be changing the way you've communicated your issues with his daughter. Sometimes by simply using different verbiage can make a world of difference. For instance, you might be telling your hubby you "need" him to do something about his daughter, or "help" you do something about her. You might consider changing the word "need" or "help" to "I'd like you to take charge of this situation".
Sometimes men respond well to the "take charge" verbiage :)
It's his job as a father to take his head out of the sand and TEACH his daughter that basically having a temper tantrum at the age of 20 is unacceptable, that there are consequences to her unseemly behavior. By him not addressing this situation is one of the most harmful parenting decisions he'll ever make. I mean who wants a woman, because that's what she is, treating her future mother in law with total disregard? (Oh, and she will if someone doesn't put the brakes on it this instant).

Not to make you feel worse than you already do J, but have you told your husband that by him NOT putting a halt to the way she speaks to you that he may as well be saying these things himself? His silence makes him an active participant in my opinion.

Where did OP allude to dad being 36? I thought she just meant to say that the child's mother COULD be as young as 36.

OP refusing to understand how SD could be upset by age issues to me shows a lack of empathy and of her own maturity isssues. The first step in dealing with a problem is understanding it. Dad may be seeing the entire picture.

kkny, being embarassed that dad has young children is not a good excuse.

DD is 21 and she has a year old brother. She is neither embarassed nor ignoring him, she loves him. and no, he is not stepbrother he is her brother. and DD's SM is 28 (dad is 42). yet i don't think any of that would excuse such behavior. DD is still loving to her brother and respectful to dad's wife. maybe because we raised her to be somewhat decent around people.

what this lady does is unacceptable. keep embrassments to herself. and if she is that embarassed, she should get out and live elsewhere. she doesn't want to be around baby? go elsewhere where there is no babies. don't like SM? go live somewhere else.

yes it is OK to live wiht your parents at 20, but you have to be at school or work full time and help around the house and be respcteful and certainly yelling "shut up" is a bad idea.
This woman behaves like she is 16. your expectations are reasonable and dad should do somehting about it. i think it is somewhat his fault she was raised like that (spolied possibly). time to make it right; either behave work go to school or get out.

Too funny. I mentioned once here that i am 43 and think it is late for me to have more children (I can't, but if I could).

And i was told on this forum that it is still young and perfectly acceptable even though my DD is 21.

Now all of a sudden it is wrong to have children if your older children are 20 or older. All of a sudden it is discusting. Why?

how is that discusting that this man has a baby but wouldn't be discusting for me to have a baby when my older daughter is over 20?

plenty of people have babies afer 40 and especially men. my ex is 42 and looks about 32, he had a baby when he was 41 last year and DD was 20, so it is wrong for him to have children, but it is OK for me? why is it so?

what kind of attitude is that?

and frankly age difference is a personal preference. My grandpa was 13 years older than my grandma. nobody ever said anything maybe because it was intact family. but now all of a sudden age difference is embrassing. so if i am marry a man who is is in late 50s it would be embrassing? why? how would it be anyones business.

I don't have a lack of understanding about the age issues. I understand that she might feel weird about it. The word I took issue with was "repulsed" -- when someone said she may be repulsed by her father having a son now.

I didn't like my dad's second wife at first, cause she was this young ski bunny type, and at first with, my stepdaughter, I opened up to her about this, and told her how I know it is funky at first and how your friends might be like, that's your dad's fiance??(this was in the beginning). I also told her how I came to understand that if this woman made my father happy, then I was happy for them.

Whether or not she is ever happy for us is not the issue, I don't expect her emotions to change, what I expect is her actions to change -- she can be embarrassed or threatened or repulsed, but she is 20 years old and should be able to control her emotions and not let them come out in her actions.

Also, I just said that my husband could have a 20 year old at 36. He also could at 50. He is neither of those ages. I think his age isn't important. To me, worrying about the age of two people in a relationship is as bad as worrying about race.

I know this isn't a problem that can be solved overnight, and I am tired of stressing and not enjoying my baby. So, to lighten the mood, here he is :

Here is a link that might be useful: Baby

"Whether or not she is ever happy for us is not the issue, I don't expect her emotions to change, what I expect is her actions to change -- she can be embarrassed or threatened or repulsed, but she is 20 years old and should be able to control her emotions and not let them come out in her actions"

Well, there ya go.

I was tossing & turning last night/this morning, & there was an infomercial where a therapist was selling a book or tape or something that's supposed to make your obstinate, obstructive, confrontative children nicer.

He said this:

"You don't get better behavior from better feelings,
you get better feelings from better behavior."

We demand that somebody make us happy, & our bad behavior makes us unhappy.

We engage in acceptable behavior & we're happy.

but don't let her around that baby.

I just talked to a mental health professional (yeah, I know, it's way overdue! really, she's a homebuyer client), who told me this true story:

A woman adopted 2 abused children, a 12-year old girl & her toddler brother.

The girl was perfect at first, but she had had no affection or attention in her entire life.

So now she's started smacking her brother, & every time she smacks him...somebody makes a big fuss!
Mission accomplished-she has someone's attention.

The counsellor told the mother that she must prevent this kind of thing, & she must not leave the 2 children alone together.

If/when "something happens", the mother would go to jail for child endangerment.

don't know about the rest of the world, but in Texas, "child endangerment" is what they charge you with when you didn't actually kill your child yourself but your child is nontheless dead.

Jen,

It sounds like it's just going to take time for this gal to mature. You anticipated and tried to speak with your SD about age with the following:

*I didn't like my dad's second wife at first, cause she was this young ski bunny type, and at first with, my stepdaughter, I opened up to her about this, and told her how I know it is funky at first and how your friends might be like, that's your dad's fiance??(this was in the beginning). I also told her how I came to understand that if this woman made my father happy, then I was happy for them. *

You respectfully gave her the benefit of the doubt to relate, but she just didn't have the maturity for what you said. She sounds like 20 going on 13.

...and back to the age difference between she and your DS. My sister and I aren't quite that far apart in age, but close. She was married when I was in kindergarten and I became an aunt in 4th grade. She and I were especially close before she married and I adored her. We would go places together and people always assumed that she was my mom. I always corrected them and said, "No, she is my sissy!", and she never seemed embarrassed by my statement. The only problem I had with her was during my teenage years because as a mother herself, she overstepped her bounds and tried to mother and mold me into the type of gal she was when I was first born. Believe you me, one mother is more than enough sometimes.

OP said it so well. we can feel embarassed, threatened, frightened, confused yet as adults we are expected to act appropriatelly. problem is not with how SD feels but how she acts. and frankly hating her SM or disliking the baby shouldn't prevent her from working and going to school and helping around the house.

what a cute little baby. I would want to have a little brother like this now, wouldn't be embarassed. well my parents are a bit too old for having babies, LOL LOL but who wouldn't like a cutie like this!

Baby is adorable, Jen. What a cutie.

For the record, I suppose no one here would approve of my age or DH's age either raising my youngest one. My world does not spin on what other people think. I'm 50 and DH is 60 and our last to raise will be 10 in December. My oldest is 32.

When DS32 was little I was the youngest mommy among the other parents at school. When I ws 43 and pushing my little one and my grandson (now GS8) around in the double stroller for exercise nobody knew what to say when they stopped to chat. Most just stuck with "my, what cute kids".

Absolute cutie pie!
And yes the families life does revolve around the baby. Its a new baby...what are you suppose to do ? ignore him?
She is a grown adult, 21 soon, is lazy, taking advantage of her family business, working part time at her age, no school.
Time to give her the boot.
All yoru expectations are reasonalbe. Nothing wrong there.
She is feeling threatened by the baby, replaced but she must be a veyr insecure adult to feel this. She should be otu enjoying her life, her freedom.
And anyone who tells me to shut up wold have had their a** out the door immediately. She wants to talk like that? then she can pay her own rent and bills and have her own place.
I didn't like my fathers rules, so i left. Its respect towards another human being. ANd this adult woman dosn't have that for anyone.
I say, stand yoru ground with yourhusband, give her a few months and if he does nothing thenits time to think for yourself and yoru babies safety. i wouldnt leave the baby alone with her.
ITS HER HALF BROTHER NOT HER STEPBROTHER. Blood is related through same father. She has no connection, she has issues.
And as for dealing withyour baby, if she doesn't like the noise, she can move out.
She sees herself as the boss of the house and you invading it. I think it would be best for you and your dh to invest in a new home together.
It sounds from her attitude that you moved in with him, He is much older and she is not comfie with relationship

We dont know whose family business this is, just a family buiness.

OP knew the facts. She was dating dad when all of this was evident. If she were a freind of mine I would have said run.

I wouldn't assume that the daughter acted this way when OP & her husband were dating.

I'd guess that the daughter didn't mind her father *dating*, but bringing another woman into *her* home was an entirely different matter.

That's why i suggested its best to sell the original home and buy a new one together. This is a very strong act of a Starting a new family with the territory clearly stating thats its the ADULTs, no feeling of ownership by the child.
In this case she is not a child. shes a young adult woman, who's dad has let her run amuck due to guilt parenting and probably due to many other facts not stating here on this site.
BUt i find it best when two families join , that they start on neutral ground. I too was a stepchild, and when my first stepmom came inot the pic , she moved into my birth house....yes, mine, because that is how i felt and saw it. So you do tend to get territorial. Not because a person is selfcentered...its because its the only homeyou have ever known, and havinga stranger move inot the only safe place you call home.
I noticed a change in my sd after my dh and i bought a house together.
1. it wasnt' her fathers apartment
2. it wasn't her territory
3. the new home my ownership and dad's
4. We call the shots.
You can feel it, that she behaves different. Not from hate or fear. I've alway got along with my sd but had bumps along the road , like many other on this forum.

Jenbmal, is the main home you are living in, your husband home??? If so , maybe its time to get a new one together and this way also prepare 21 year old to have her own home apartment. She's an adult. Its time ot leave the nest.
Tell her to get a job and start saving money while the house is on the market.
I know its tough...but a new baby, she dosen't care for her new brother and she verbal aggressive..i done trust this scenario.
What does her father do when she says shut up to you?
Thsi woman sees this house as hers and you as a sleep in guest treading on her territory. Time to sell and get your own house, making it clear she has to get her own as well.
sorry...jmo.

Slyvia -- I agree that in general kids can react different to dads date vs. dads wife, but --

OPs first post -- "These are some comments that are typical of her personality:

"Shut up!"
This was when he and I were first dating, she screamed
from the living room to the kitchen because we were
talking too loud for her to hear the tv. "

Also, if my D, at 24, were dating a man with a 18 YO, after I got done crying and begging her to reconsider, I would at a minimum advise her to find out what the story is with 18YO. Is she going to college? Joining the army? etc etc.

"Also, if my D, at 24, were dating a man with a 18 YO, after I got done crying and begging her to reconsider, I would at a minimum advise her to find out what the story is with 18YO. Is she going to college? Joining the army? etc etc."

This would have been an equally good question for OP to ask her DH before marrying a man with a 20 year old "child" sill living at home. Whats up with your kid? Is she planning on going to college? Joining the army? Will she EVER leave????? LOL. great tings to address BEFORE marriage. It would have been at the top of my list amyway.

Well...
OP will know better next time.

but for now, she's a new wife & young mother, & however she got there, she asked for help/insight/something.

Husband's relationship with his daughter sounds creepy to me (I've developed the opinion that there's *always* a reason when people act hostile, angry, bizarre, whatever, & if one party in a relationship acts crazy & the other one is cool calm & collected...the cool one is the one who hurt the other.)

& the one who has been hurt can be dangerous.

My mother was the meanest devil in the world, beat the stuffing out of us with a razor strap-3 kids, one after the other, all of us screaming in terror & pain-& she wouldn't stop until her arm gave out & her rage was slaked.

In between times, she terrified us every single day.

but I've reflected on it over the years, & I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that her father abused her.

so, while I can understand how my mother's rage developed, I would not live in the same household as her, & I especially wouldn't live in the same household as her & her father.

& I never, ever would have left a child alone with her.

Protect that baby.

I agree with everything you said above.

Protect the baby for sure.

Sylvia, I am so sorry for what you had to endure.

It would never occur to me to even think what you have suggested -- but you may be right. Of course, it also could be that Dad is just a bad case of guilt. I think OP needs to talk to Dad, and I think therapy is a good idea. Even if therapy doesnt change the situation -- maybe it can help OP understand the situation. Becuase if it is what you suspect, then, IMHO, much more serious therapy is needed before the baby is safe. If ever.

I know that the reason my stepdaughter and her father are the way they are of because of his guilt. My stepdaughters mom left my husband for another man, and my husband always wanted to make sure his daughter felt wanted and secure... she always felt that her mom abandoned her and he didn't want her to think he would, too... but it backfired in his face. All he has ever done is bend over backward for her.

I have told him numerous times, though, that she needs to see a psychiatrist. She doesn't even socialize with her own family.. she has seen her grandmother twice in the last year, even though the woman is a saint and the whole family, all the aunts and uncles and grandkids get together every single Sunday. My stepdaughter even refuses to have the curtains open.

She just sits on the couch with the shades drawn, on her laptop. She also sends an obscene amount of text messages per month, 14, 000 last month! They are unlimited, but, she doesn't even have any friends we have seen..

Her problems go so deep, and you are all right, I shouldn't have been so in love and jumped into marriage. I have told my husband that, knowing what I know how, I would never have even dated him...if only you could go back in time.

The thing is, whether or not I jumped into it, I am married now, and I want it to work, I love my husband, and he's a good man.

With each additional posting OP reveals more and more and as pieces keep coming, I fear increased concern for the baby. If not just his safety, also his mental well being.

What baby should sit in a gloomy dark room with a hostile depressed bump sitting on the couch snarling at any and everything?

I'm thinking now that the OP list of 'demands' may not be the priority--getting the daughter pro help is. I think the daughter has way too many issues she must face and overcome before she can get a full time job and become a productive caring functioning adult.

I also think Dad will have trouble getting daughter to seek and get the help she needs. If I you, it would be top on my demand list. Dad needs to get daughter emotionally healthy, he's doing the whole family harm by letting this continue.

I would talk to your husband and tell him that this is unhealthy for all and it can not be allowed to continue. That you do not intend to go to work and leave baby home with him and daughter, that baby has to be your priority and even though you love him dearly you can not and will not enable any part of the current situation any longer.

You're well educated, young and healthy and have a beautiful little one, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose if you don't take control of the environment your son is being subjected to. You can do this on your own (raise baby)if need be and baby will be happy and thrive. Dad and you have some serious discussion to decide.

"What baby should sit in a gloomy dark room with a hostile depressed bump sitting on the couch snarling at any and everything?"

You couldn't have said this any better. This is precisely the same mental picture I formed from OP's posts. So so so not fair to not only the baby but the OP and her family as well.

Justmetoo, you are exactly right, and thats why things that I let slide which I shouldn't have during dating have come to a head now, because I don't want my baby around her.

At least we have a large house with two family rooms, so my baby and I spend most of our time in the big family room with all his toys and playpen and swing. My husband just thinks its normal spoiled-ness and sibling jealousy, but I think she is mean and crazy. I am beginning to fear that the only solution is to leave.

Since everyone has been so helpful with this problem, I just wanted to give an update. My husband and I talked and we are having a big family sit down and give the SD some rules and expectations (therapy, manners, housework). Because of her hostility toward me, do you all think I should or shouldn't be included in the sit down??? DH would never kick her out, but there will be consequences if she doesn't heed the guidelines, no cell phone, no internet, etc. We think a 6 month time frame is realistic to find a full time job... we don't even want her to pay rent, just a couple of her own small bills, and then start a savings account, so she can start to realize she has to have her own life.

There's nothing sibling rivalry about her bahavior. The resentment, embarrassment, and other feelings described here concerning a much, much younger sibling is nonsense, justified as normal or legitimate because they had no one to tell them their feelings were wrong. People think and feel all kinds of things, but just because it's the way one feels doesn't make it right, hence there is murder and much other wrongful doing in the world. If they had someone to set them straight, the subjects would never have entered into your thread as anything of concern or consideration. Given any opportunity, I think your SD will abuse the baby - smack him, pinch him, or anything she can do to make him cry, if not *accidentally* drop him - because she lives in a very dark place mentally and emotionally, and she wants the whole world to be as angry, sad, and unhappy as she is. For him to think it nothing more than sibling rivalry is turning a blind eye. He needs an intervention to make him realize and understand the damage he's doing his daughter, and therefore his marriage and his son. You might talk to a health care professional and tell them the same as you've told us (and everything you haven't told us). Then, ask them to help you talk to your husband.

I know you don't want to leave, but I'm truly impressed you are seriously considering it as more than just threatening in order to get your way. I don't know how the women who threaten end up feeling when they don't get their way and don't leave either. You can't keep being walked on like this, but he isn't going to listen to you. He isn't going to do any more than he has been doing no matter how much you threaten. It might take you leaving to get his attention, and then you can demand he go with you to talk to the professional. You might demand it before leaving but if he refuses, then you have to walk out the door, realizing it is likely forever and no amount of tears and begging you to come back can change your mind unless he changes his.

If you don't leave, then please don't leave the baby with him when you go back to work. He has a cautious mother to protect him right now. Who will protect him when you're gone? His father never will believe there is any danger or concern.

Guess I took too long to type that LOL. Yes, you should be included and contributing to the sit down. Not because of her hostility toward you but because you are his wife, the woman of house, and equal-to-him head of the household.

I am glad people stopped saying "oh poor girl is just embarassed daddy has children in "old" age" and recognize much deeper issue.

You are helping to pay the bills, arn't you? Hell yes you should be included! I hate to say it needs to be a family versus SD type sitaution but everyone except her seems to be jiving. She needs to be handed the ultimatum, fly with the flock or jump the nesy. This is an adult and her behavior is not fair for you and your family and it actually SCRAES me for your child.

Bottom line: She needs to be told if you don't like it....leave. Simple as that.

I agree with thermometer, SD sounds sick.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone her for understanding it how I do. My husband has always though I was crazy... I sleep in the baby's room and keep his formula hidden, he thinks I'm nuts, but I just don't trust her.

Things will work out. I will give you guys the update after the talk. The offer at my new job is plenty to make it, so if I have to, I will leave.

Thanks, kk.

"My husband has always though I was crazy."

Well, of course;
it's always somebody else.

Daughter is crazy, you're crazy, husband is the only normal one.

I'd bet money that *he* is the reason that his daughter is so disturbed.

*& he knows it.*

He knows it isn't you, but he'll blame it on you until the baby is hurt or dead, & then he'll blame it on the "personality conflict" & "competition" between you & his daughter & he'll enjoy a martyr role (poor guy, wife crazy, daughter in jail/hospital, baby dead)...until he finds his next wife, who will believe his version of his life story just like you believe it now.

Take a step back & look at this from a longer, larger perspective;
there was *something* going on in the father/daughter relationship that made her 'crazy' (hmmm...like you're crazy now?) before you came along.

What was it?

The only "data" you have is what your husband has told you, & people never say, "it was my fault, I was too mean, I abused so-&-so, I was too hard on her, I fixed it so she was wrong no matter what";
they always say they were too nice & too generous & the crazy person is crazy because she expects too much.

Unless there's an actual brain disfunction, children don't just grow up moody & jealous & mean & possessive & depressed;
when you look at a relationship in which one person is cool calm & collected & one is angry, jealous, & bitter, the angry one is the one who has been hurt.

& the calm one is the one who did it.

If you do have a "family meeting", stay detached & observe;

It's likely to be an eye-opening experience.

I wish you the best.