10 Ways to Work Through Grief Triggers During the Holidays
A year after losing her sister, she was facing another holiday. Here’s how one woman learned to find joy again
This story originally ran in December 2015. It struck a chord with readers, and we are republishing it for those who might be experiencing grief this holiday season.
This time last year, I had no idea what was about to happen. After losing two siblings and my mom in only a six-year span, I was about to lose my older sister. Oftentimes, after losing loved ones, the first-year anniversary of the loss looms big. From my experience, it looms larger than it really is. When the day does come, you might end up being so busy with work or something else that it passes without you even noticing.
In that case, it can be eye-opening to suddenly realize that the date itself holds no power over your emotions. The memories of that date are where the painful emotions reside. If you’ve just experienced a loss and the days seem unbearable as the holidays approach, you might find some help in an article I wrote last year on coping with grief during the holidays. Now, a year later, I offer you some additional grief-busting activities for these difficult times. I hope they help.
This time last year, I had no idea what was about to happen. After losing two siblings and my mom in only a six-year span, I was about to lose my older sister. Oftentimes, after losing loved ones, the first-year anniversary of the loss looms big. From my experience, it looms larger than it really is. When the day does come, you might end up being so busy with work or something else that it passes without you even noticing.
In that case, it can be eye-opening to suddenly realize that the date itself holds no power over your emotions. The memories of that date are where the painful emotions reside. If you’ve just experienced a loss and the days seem unbearable as the holidays approach, you might find some help in an article I wrote last year on coping with grief during the holidays. Now, a year later, I offer you some additional grief-busting activities for these difficult times. I hope they help.
On top of that, I couldn’t get one ski boot hooked back into its fitting, and that’s all it took — I broke down, gasping for air and becoming slightly hysterical. My daughter found me and came to the rescue. She was kind and calm and helped me get my bearings. I was in pain and raw from the grief that was just starting to emerge. I’m not sure there would have been anything that could have prevented that meltdown, but it did make me aware that I needed to develop some coping skills.
The big lesson I learned from this episode was that it’s OK to need help and ask for it any time, but especially when you’re in the throes of grief. Before this, I would have been embarrassed to let my kids see me in this vulnerable state. But at that time, I didn’t have the strength to appear like everything was OK. It wasn’t. I felt like I was slipping into an emotional abyss; I was alone in this grief and I didn’t know what to do. Let me tell you, it felt scary. I knew I needed help.
It’s always sad when the Christmas holiday ends, but that year it felt especially gloomy. I was feeling a little bit despondent. On the way to the airport, our youngest son took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “I know you miss your family, Mom, but you know, we really need you here.” That turned out to be a sharp wake-up for me to get it together. I needed to find my way through this grief and out the other side in order to be able to reclaim my joy for life. Here’s a little bit of what I learned along the way.
The big lesson I learned from this episode was that it’s OK to need help and ask for it any time, but especially when you’re in the throes of grief. Before this, I would have been embarrassed to let my kids see me in this vulnerable state. But at that time, I didn’t have the strength to appear like everything was OK. It wasn’t. I felt like I was slipping into an emotional abyss; I was alone in this grief and I didn’t know what to do. Let me tell you, it felt scary. I knew I needed help.
It’s always sad when the Christmas holiday ends, but that year it felt especially gloomy. I was feeling a little bit despondent. On the way to the airport, our youngest son took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “I know you miss your family, Mom, but you know, we really need you here.” That turned out to be a sharp wake-up for me to get it together. I needed to find my way through this grief and out the other side in order to be able to reclaim my joy for life. Here’s a little bit of what I learned along the way.
10 Ways I Neutralize Grief Triggers During the Holidays
1. Let yourself feel what you feel, but set a timer, and when it goes off, get up and go outside for a walk or hike. Lingering in that “alone” place too long can be counterproductive, even though you feel like you want to and have to stay there.
1. Let yourself feel what you feel, but set a timer, and when it goes off, get up and go outside for a walk or hike. Lingering in that “alone” place too long can be counterproductive, even though you feel like you want to and have to stay there.
2. Don’t feel guilty about celebrating the holidays if you really want to. Celebrating doesn’t mean you’re not respecting or not missing your loved one; you can include thoughts of them in your planning.
For example, when I decorate, I include something that reminds me of my siblings’ decorating traditions. When I remember activities they enjoyed around the holidays, I incorporate one of those into my own traditions. My brother Mark loved to go hiking with his kids on Christmas Eve day. I began doing that a year after he passed away, and it makes me feel close to him.
For example, when I decorate, I include something that reminds me of my siblings’ decorating traditions. When I remember activities they enjoyed around the holidays, I incorporate one of those into my own traditions. My brother Mark loved to go hiking with his kids on Christmas Eve day. I began doing that a year after he passed away, and it makes me feel close to him.
3. Instead of buying one present you don’t need to buy, donate that money to your loved one’s favorite charity or spend a day doing the volunteer work that meant so much to them. It can feel like a gift you’re giving in their name.
4. Sit down and write a letter to your dear one and tell them all about what’s happened in the last year since they “left.” That may sound kooky, but it could help you see that everything hasn’t been all bad. Include some good insights you’ve had, and try to be humorous by sharing something you both laughed about. One of the biggest myths is that you have to stay sad to prove how much you love and miss someone.
5. Invite some of your loved one’s closest friends to a holiday lunch or cocktail party to share stories. It’ll be better than the funeral because you’ve all had time to get some perspective and some healing under your belt. It can be extremely cathartic. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed if you break down a bit; expressing emotion is nothing to be ashamed of, even a year later. Plus, this activity can forge new and meaningful relationships for you.
6. Plan to do something you loved to do together on the one-year anniversary of your loss. I have a very fond memory of going to a movie with my sister on Christmas night about four years ago. She enjoyed it so much and we just laughed and laughed. This year, on December 15, the day she passed away, I went to a funny movie and let myself laugh. She would have approved of that.
7. Consciously accept that you’re missing them so much this holiday season, but also try to think about how much better your life still is because they were a part of it. What was something they taught you that you’ve been able to share with others? Remember how they helped you through a tough time and how you’ve been able to do that for others. Filling your thoughts with the goodness of the person you lost can transform some of the sadness you feel into larger and more inspiring thoughts.
In October I attended the funeral of my sister-in-law’s mother. I learned about a woman who spent her life in practical service, helping returning soldiers become acclimated to life after war, as well as her commitment to teaching illiterate adults how to read. I came away feeling uplifted, inspired and joyous. Her life had a very positive effect on me right then and there. That’s looking at a bigger picture of this whole experience.
In October I attended the funeral of my sister-in-law’s mother. I learned about a woman who spent her life in practical service, helping returning soldiers become acclimated to life after war, as well as her commitment to teaching illiterate adults how to read. I came away feeling uplifted, inspired and joyous. Her life had a very positive effect on me right then and there. That’s looking at a bigger picture of this whole experience.
8. When fixing the holiday meal, include a dish they loved or that was their signature holiday dish. On Thanksgiving, I found great comfort in making a batch of my mom’s delicious deviled eggs. I knew my brother Mike loved those, so I not only had a good feeling making them, I felt that I was expressing how much she loved cooking for her family. That was a win-win activity.
9. If you celebrate Christmas, buy a live, plantable memorial Christmas tree and plant it in the yard after the holiday. You might need to plan ahead for that since you need to have a hole already dug before the ground freezes. You can call it the “Mom tree,” or the “Marsha tree.” It feels good to have a living memorial right there with you. You could also do this with a potted tree for your house.
10. Play and sing along to your loved one’s favorite holiday songs. Maybe you can remember them humming those tunes while working in the kitchen or puttering around their workshop. Reminding yourself of their singing, humming or whistling can bring you the feeling that they live on in your life in so many positive ways.
Life’s experiences never leave you where they found you. That might be a quote I read somewhere, but it’s so true. People who sail through life without ever experiencing unexpected loss or trauma are indeed fortunate.
Those of us who have experienced our fair share of difficult life experiences and have come out on the other side with more compassion, wisdom and inner strength have the good fortune of being qualified to offer a big warm, loving embrace, a listening ear and encouraging words to those who find themselves in the middle of any one of life’s unfair challenges.
The alternative to grabbing hold and wringing deeper meaning out of these tragic experiences is to become so sad, bitter and resentful that you can’t see the wonder, joy and sparkle that life still provides every single day, and especially during the holidays. It takes tenacity to not let the calendar trigger emotional despair.
Depending on how you approach these holidays, the very activities you create to cope with the triggers of your loss could well turn out to be the healing skills you need to move through the grieving process, and to provide you with a glimpse of joy on the horizon.
10 Ways to Cope With Grief During the Holidays
Those of us who have experienced our fair share of difficult life experiences and have come out on the other side with more compassion, wisdom and inner strength have the good fortune of being qualified to offer a big warm, loving embrace, a listening ear and encouraging words to those who find themselves in the middle of any one of life’s unfair challenges.
The alternative to grabbing hold and wringing deeper meaning out of these tragic experiences is to become so sad, bitter and resentful that you can’t see the wonder, joy and sparkle that life still provides every single day, and especially during the holidays. It takes tenacity to not let the calendar trigger emotional despair.
Depending on how you approach these holidays, the very activities you create to cope with the triggers of your loss could well turn out to be the healing skills you need to move through the grieving process, and to provide you with a glimpse of joy on the horizon.
10 Ways to Cope With Grief During the Holidays
Shortly after my sister died last December, we embarked on a preplanned ski vacation in Colorado. I thought I knew what to expect grief-wise, but those emotions can run you ragged. It helps to head them off at the pass.
On Christmas Eve day, I had what might be considered an anxiety attack. I had never experienced one, but I thought this must be what it was. We were all skiing together on the same slope, and before I knew it, none of my family was in sight. I looked all over, feeling more desperate as the time wore on.