I think it's a mistake that you have always taken her dad aside and let him deal with it. That may be fine in the beginning of your relationship but as you get serious, get married and you are a permanent person in her life, it's up to you to build a relationship of your own with her. That includes dealing with conflicts that involve the two of you. If she has never had to deal with you, she has no reason to care about your feelings. This is the problem I have with anyone that tells a step parent to keep their step children at arms length. The relationship between step parent-child is not usually ever going to be a strong bond, like bio relationship, but there has to be some mutual respect or at least figuring out how to 'get along' or stay out of each other's way. You don't have to be 'parental' to tell someone, 'you can not talk to me that way' or 'I am not going to be treated like that'.

She can say what she wants but you can also tell both of her parents (and I would say it in front of her) that she is welcome in your home, but being respectful is expected. If she chooses not to visit, then dad should tell her that he wishes she felt different, he'd love to see her but she has to behave appropriately. She is using emotional blackmail by telling him she'll do whatever she must to get her way. If she were my child, I'd tell her 'okay, you get nothing then until you behave appropriately'. I have three teenagers and I have had to do that with my own kids. It's not really a step child issue, it's more of a teenager attitude issue. My kids try that crap of blaming my husband for some of the things they try to get away with. I call 'em on it every time. My son would have me believe that he decided to not come home because he knew my husband would get upset that he broke curfew. Umm, he was probably having more fun at his friends and didn't give a rats behind what me or my husband were thinking or going to say. and as for labeling her a liar, that's a tough thing because teenagers lie. They manipulate to get their way (as a lot of kids do) and then again, it could be what she's learned from her mom if her mom is a habitual liar. It would really depend on the lies that she tells. Saying you are a molester/abuser is being vindictive but I'm sure that her mom doesn't believe it, but she hopes her daughter will. A real habitual liar wouldn't know the truth if it slapped them in the face. They believe their lies, no matter how outrageous and they think everyone else does too.

Can you help me out? What exactly are her lies about? (other than not being welcom). I am certain the fact is she doesnt feel welcome. What exactly did she do that you considered her disrepectful at a family meeting

There's the expression, if it's not broken, don't fix it. That is the ONLY reason that I have continued to let my husband take care of the discipline for this long. In the past, when her dad has called her on the carpet, she says all the right "buzzwords". Like, "Oh daddy, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, I didn't realize how she interpreted my actions, I will apologize right away". Yep, her words, not his. So, both my husband and I have always given her the benefit of the doubt that she was not really being deliberate with her actions. Even I didn't catch it until the events of the last few years slid nicely into place. Her actions at the family gathering over Christmas were the last puzzle piece that made the picture come into focus. And unfortunately, we can't go back and redo the first five years of our relationship.

When I met my SD for the first time, I told her that I understand that she has a mother and a father, and that my role is that of "guardian and protector", and hopefully "friend". I was not going to try to replace her mother, and that she was expected to treat everyone with respect, including her mother. When she has complained to me about her mother taking her money or stealing her clothes, I have realized that she is just trying to invoke a response. My standard response is that "I know it's hard to be a mother...and I am sure that her mother is doing the best that she can." I have never spoken ill of her mother, and that drives my SD crazy! The last weekend she was with us, my husband heard the conversation between me and my SD - the one in which I supposedly told my SD that she could never come to our home again. He heard me tell her that we BOTH love her very much, and that all we want for her is to have two sets of parents that she can come to for support. But, I also told her that because I had allowed her dad to be the one to discipline her, that I felt she had abused me in the process. I told her that going forward, I was going to deal with her directly if I had an issue. Now she is telling both her mother and dad that she is afraid to come back to the house because of what I might do to her and that I threatened to hurt her during our last visit. As I said, her dad heard the conversation, so he knows that it is not true, but her mother DOES believe her, and has contacted a therapist that specializes in social work for abused children. My husband is so mad at his daughter for telling the lie, and his ex for contacting a social worker, that he has refused his visitation for three of the last four scheduled visits. BTW - my husband and I are not under investigation by the social worker, her mother is simply trying to "document" that we have emotionally damaged her to get our visitation pulled away. At the rate she is going, my husband is considering giving it up willingly - and because I really do love my SD and am willing to forgive her actions, I am trying to prevent that from happening - that is why I need some advice!

To KKNY: Here's an example of the type of lies she tells - my inlaws rented four hotel rooms for my family and his brother's family so that we could all be together for their 50th wedding anniversary. They rented two rooms for us even though we live in the same town as the even. My SD and her 18 y/o cousin asked if they could go to the hotel early. They were in the room adjoining to me and my husband. My husband agreed and took the two girls to the hotel and then returned back to where the rest of the family had gathered. We both went to the hotel an hour later, and checked in with the two girls. We told the girls that we were going to the store and asked them if they wanted to go, and they said they were going to bed. We returned the hotel about 45 minutes later. The story that my SD told her mother was that we left her "completely alone" and "never bothered to check to see if she was okay."

Need more?

I am dying of curiousity. What happened at the family Christmas gathering?

I am still a little unclear what exactly she has done to be considered a habitual liar but....

If I were in dad's position right now there is no way shape or form that I would refuse visitation because of something my child did. She is my child. Therefore the moment I found out about the lie I would have confronted her and then dealt out a punishment accordingly. Refusing visits solves nothing and does little to correct any problems but rather increases a teenagers angst. My child would have been at every single visit and would have not only written an apology for the lie but served out a pretty severe punishment. This is not a little lie and one a 14 year old should know better than to tell.

I have to say I am a little disappointed that Dad would consider that a solution. She is lieing/causing trouble I dont want her to visit. She is problematic so I will just give up visitation... To me that is just like saying well... this kid I had is to much trouble can't I just give it back and get a new one or something. You don't get to just decide you don't want to parent anymore... Not if you truly are a parent in the first place and truly love your child. That is the most ridiculous solution I have ever heard.

I don't think this is or should be about forgiveness. You are dealing with a child. This should be about teaching the girl the difference between right and wrong and how to grow up and be a productive human being ... not a manuiplator that tells lies (and lies that could easily destroy lives) to get what she wants. She is 14 for goodness sakes... since when do we allow children to do as they please and turn our backs on the behavior (which is essentially what refusing visits is doing) I think it is time for the parents to be more in control and stop letting a 14 year old call the shots.

"my husband is considering giving it up willingly "

That is horrible. No reason is good enough to voluntarily give up visitation.

Family Christmas - it was actually my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. I was being introduced to my husband's family for the first time since we married. There were 26 other people in the room for my SD to talk to, but as I was being introduced, she was stepping in between me and the individual. If they asked me a question, she immediately answered as if they were speaking to her, or she would change the subject by asking them a question. This happened three separate introductions. On the fourth, she literally laid her hip into the back of my thighs, which of course made me fall to the ground. She is extremely obese for her age, and has dropped me to the ground numerous times, but this was the first time my husband was actually able to see it with his own eyes. I had back surgery recently, and after I fell I was forced to sit down the rest of the day just so I wouldn't cry from the pain.

I would not stop seeing my daughter even if she would lie and be disrespctful. in fact if you live with them, do you just kick them out when they lie or being rude? NCPs have this "wonderful" option to stop being parents because kids are disrectful and lie. hmmm. We are not talking about adult here, she is a child. she needs to follow the rules but i cannot imagine a parent refusing to see a child because a child is not good enough.

As far as why she is considered a habitual liar, I can give you five years of examples, but there is really no need. Her recount of events to her mother, to her dad, grandmother, etc. is never an accurate account of what really happened. She doesn't just lie about things I have supposedly done to her, in fact, she's not selective about who she targets. She told me once that my husband's mother was accused of killing her mother in law, but that I was not supposed to say anything to her dad or grandmother about it because it was something they were all trying to forget. My mother in law is a nurse, and took care of her mother in law until her death - almost 9 years! Still need more examples?

Wow! I agree that it is difficult to post on this forum. Without readers knowing all of the facts, it is hard. My husband doesn't want to give up his visitation willingly, but he has been pushed to a breaking point. His ex-wife was in a mental institution for nearly three years when she was my SD age. My SD is exhibiting many of the same characteristics - being physically abusive to classmates and friends, showing outward signs of "being in obsessive love" with her dad - trying to get him to kiss her, etc. and then telling people that he's not her dad, but her lover!!! We just found that one out a few weeks ago! Supposedly I am her nanny and her mother's husband is really her grandpa...Get the picture? We've tried counseling and have followed what the counselors have told us to do. We reward her for being truthful, we call her out for being dishonest, and we haven't punished her. Instead, we have continued to tell her how much we believe in her and that we can all get through this together. The problem with people that are truly habitual liars is that they have no sense of reality - what they say, they actually believe! And what she is saying right now is that she doesn't want to come back to our house and that she is willing to lie or behave as badly as she needs to in order to get what she wants.

if that is the case this girl needs help. She needs counseling asap to find out why a child would continuously make up such enormous lies (although not exactly hard to see where it may have came from because of the mother's lie about you) But, she definately needs some counseling.

How do you know that is a lie? I can easily envision someone claiming that the daughter-in-law had slipped her mother-in-law a little too much morphine. Your SD didn't say that her grandmother was convicted or even charged, did she?

And did you tell your husband that it is totally unacceptable for him to refuse visitation, that his daughter needs a father who is there for her, no matter what, that good fathers don't abandon their children no matter how they behave?

I think the Christmas meeting is a good example of where manners and decency could be taught/enforced. Were my SD or my BS's to repeatedly do that to me I would have put my hand on their shoulder, interupted their answer and said "I'm sorry SD/BS, but I believe Grandma was actually asking that question of me. I'm sure she would love to hear your answer when we are finished talking though." If this was indeed intentional it lets SD know that you are on to her behavior without making a fuss, and you regain the *upper hand* that a parent holds. DH could have done this for you if you didn't feel comfortable, but I truly believe it should come from you. I agree that letting DH hold all the cards has put you in a bad position now.

Stopping visitation is not going to get the point across to SD. It will likely send a message that will only further the competition she feels exists between the two of you for her father's time/love. He is *dumping* her for you, and therefore in her mind she has every reason not to like or respect you. He needs to talk her out and have a serious sit down chat. He needs to let her know that he loves her and wants her grow to be a successful and wonderful adult, but her recent actions are not leading her down that path. There need to be some ground rules and expectations set, and she is old enough to help determine what they should be. If she resists, I would honestly suggest he propose sitting down with she and her mom and getting everything out in the open. This can be done with a social worker or mediator.

In the past few months my SD's mom and I (after 7 years of hatred) have started forging a relationship of sorts. Both families learned that if we called SD on her stretching of the truth or one-sided stories and took them to the other family they stopped pretty quickly. SD now knows that I will call her mom if she gives me the "mom said I could" line. Funny, but I haven't heard it in a couple months!!

Dutch--

I wasn't there to see it so I won't make a point of either agreeing or disagreeing with your version of events with the Christmas party. But just a couple things to consider:

-MAYBE she is physically awkward with her weight (esp. at 14, circa puberty) and did not mean to knock into you. If you remain concerned that she's doing it on purpose, make a point of YOU being extra body-aware around her... positioning yourself so that the ONLY WAY she could topple you is if she went out of her way to do so. Then you might have your answer.

-Speaking of awkwardness, maybe she is *socially* awkward (again, not uncommon for 14, recently pubescent, especially an overweight girl b/c our mean society makes fat a cardinal sin, which makes girls have to fight hard for self-esteem) and hasn't yet perfected the art of polished party conversation (many fully-grown adults haven't, either)

-Maybe she was a bit jealous of the attention you were getting (since, as you wrote, the party was the first time you were introduced to her family). When a kid feels unattractive, it compounds the feeling of being overshadowed that ALSO inherently comes with getting a new SP figure. The co-timing of new SP figure and puberty (especially when the bodily changes are not so graceful) can be notoriously rough and scary. Especially if she feels (or fears feeling) less attractive/interesting than you among her own family, it is a major adjustment to feel like she's no longer the li'l darling anymore but some overgrown space-taking lump. All this even more so if she is an only child.

-In light of the above, it's harder to see how her behavior in this particular context was so patently, officially wrong. Awkward, misguided, maybe a bit pathetic and embarassing to herself, but not a crime. Certainly not something YOU should hold an angry grudge about or justify excluding her from your BF's life over. Look at it this way: I doubt her grandparents would react that way, and THEY were ones whom the party was really for (stated occasion was their 50th anniversary).

As for the lying, certainly she needs to understand that it's not an acceptable behavior. A lot of kids lie who are angry, bored, anxious, or just because. Almost every kid goes through a "lying" phase (usually when they're younger but not impossible for 14 either) that needs to be addressed. When I was 8, I went through this phase of inventing a twin sister for myself (that was when that show "Double Trouble" was on ---anyone remember it?--- and I was an only child of divorce, with all these fantasies of a "normal" family ). My teacher was astute enough to pay attention and ask some questions, and one day she addressed the class and told them all I had been lying about my twin (I'd said she lived in another state). It was tremendously embarassing, but a highly effective way of teaching the important life lesson that one's lies have a way of getting found out... and that lies become *embarassing* to the liar! Brilliant, real-world style solution to the problem. But it can't be YOU who calls her out. If I were in your shoes, I'd drop the attitude of being the "victim" and start appraoching this issue with an attitude of how you can help her learn important lessons for her own happiness and success in life. Get together with all the adults in her world and express sincere concern and put your heads togetehr as to how she can be called out on her lies in a way that is sufficiently embarassing, but not SO devastatingly humiliating that the harm really outweighs the benefit of the lesson.

Thriving on negative attention is terrible and especially when a parent buys into it. I understand how frustrated you are, when my husband and I first married we had all kinds of problems with my oldest SS, he would be an angel for us then go to his moms and make up all these stories about how I 'beat him up' and 'didn't feed him' etc.. Its all about attention and them attempting to control their situation when they feel it isn't what they want it to be. You are correct in that she has no sense of reality. The funny thing was with my SS, what finally cracked him wasn't the councilors or therapists or any of that..it was Dad spanking his butt when he lied. But that was a eight year old boy not a 14 year old girl..If I were you or your husband I would try to ignore her exaggerations as much as possible and remind her every time she starts in that 'You know that is not true'. If she gets no 'reaction' out of her fibbs she will eventually quit.

Posted my last reply before reading Dutch's post timed 15:47, detailing some of the lies/delusions. Certainly taht rounds out the picture in re her lying issue. It does sound like it goes beyond normal. Keep up with the counseling and try to have some more empathy, patience and keep helping her. Having a competitive or judgemental attitude toward her psychological issues is only going to make things alot worse. I hope for the best for all of you.

I'm not even going to address the inference about my mother in law, especially since it has been proven, and well medically documented, that my SD has emotional issues with lieing. My SD has been in therapy for nearly 8 years - without much to show for it, I'm afraid.

Yes, I have told my husband that it is not acceptable for him to refuse visitation. I told him early on that I would not be able to stay married to a man that did not take an active role in his child's life. Although, I do agree that a break was necessary. Because I am able to detach from the pain of all of this, at least while at work, I can still function in a normal way. My husband is having an increasingly difficult time with staying focused at work, and at home. I have been trying to redirect him from thinking about this every minute of the day, and have tried to direct him into thinking about our future. We are going to build a house in a few months, so this has provided him with a bit of time to regroup and refocus. I'm sure that if he can get back to an equilibrium, he will not give up his visitation for a very long time.

Since Christmas, the therapy sessions have been weekly. The therapist has noted that my SD is becoming increasingly angry or agitated at him when he asks her to explain something that she has said, but stays calm as long as he just "believes" her. When he says to her that he doesn't, she simply stops talking and says the session is over.

What respectible therapist breaks confidence over other than life threatening (suicide or murder) issues?

I see no love for this child.

Typical teenage indescretions, and an overbearing SM. If any woman ever said to my DD that she was my DDs "guardian", I would rip my X another one. And complaining that SM is not the center of attention, that SD wants golf lessons, or calls grandma.

I feel very sorry for this girl.

I feel sorry for her too.

I think it is easy to misinterpret situations.

Obviously this girl has issues, that come from somewhere. She should not be shunned for them.

These things aren't accidents or incidents;
they're the way things are.

A 14-year-old who's been in therapy for 8 years isn't just going through some teen-aged angst, although teen-aged angst probably has aggravated & intensified her mental/emotional problems.

Being repeatedly "brought to the ground" isn't clumsiness, it's assault.

If I were this girl's father, any therapist who refused to tell me what was going on with my daughter would be history & I'd find another one.

sorry I don't have any suggestions to make things better;
I just wanted to chime in that OP is not nuts & she's not a jealous egotist;

she came here for help with a mentally/emotionally troubled teen-ager.

THis girl has serious history of problems. I agree with the previous post. Change therapist and keep open communication. If things haven't changed in 8 years than she needs another therapist.
As for her behaviour, keep your ground and both you and your husband should tell her what you both do not like and just keep at it. THat is the only way.
If she doesn't change in a few years, i dont know what else to tell you . THis girl has a low self esteem of herself and if you want to meet the family next time than arrange other circumstances so she doesn't feel threatened and you dont have to be assaulted.
Did you tell her to please stay back? What did your husbands family say after several encounters at the party? I would guess that they know about her mental illness.
I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I dont know what other advice to give you except that if your SD doesnt' want to come around your house anymore than accept her discision and wipe your hands clean. Let her mom handle her and be done with it. You've done your best over the years and if the lies she hears she believes then leave it alone. You cannot make a person believe in the truth. tHey have to see it for themselves. Plus she is a teenager, give her more space and time. THese are rough times for her. Dont place yourself in positions where your SD can take control or ruin a situation. Do not empower her. Teenagers have attitudes in these years. My SD this weekend is in one of her moods. SHe's snotty and teasing everyone in the house. Its jealousy. Her brother has decided this weekend to come over and she doesnt' like the attention to be shared. So she teases my son as well..lol...

this girl is troubled, but she needs help not punishment. If a therapist doesn't help maybe girl needs medication. this girl definitelly struggles wiht something whatever that is. low self-esteem, or maybe she has scisophrenia (more common among children than you think), she doesn't lie to just hurt others, there seems to be more to it...

I agree, Finedreams. It sounds like bipolar as well, which tends to show up more profoundly in the teenage years but can be seen in the younger years as well.

To OP, I also noticed you said therapist. Perhaps talking to DH about changing to a pyschiatrist would help. They can diagnose disorders and prescribe medication.

i am surprised that therapist did not suggest psychiatric evaluation. i don't want to make guesses but children also lie a lot when they are molested and feel bad about themselves, blame themselves etc

and i am shocked that this therapist isn't trying to suggest anything more helpful if in 8 years nothing helped.

I agree, if SD has been 8 years with no progress, I dont care how good therapist is, it is time for a change.

If BM also has the same disorder, she could be providing the therapist with false information to avoid a diagnosis or a recommendation to see a pyschiatrist.

finedreams, unfortunately a lot of the common disorders do involve childhood trauma.

I feel bad for her and hope that OP and her DH can get her some real help.

I have to commend you on your parenting. You have been dealing with A LOT and I believe you have been handling it appropriately! Im a step mom, and read your post looking for answers as what to do with my lying step daughter. She is out of control, and needs to understand that her behavior is unexceptionable! The trouble is, what is the appropriate way of doing so. You have to establish yourself as an authority figure so she knows she can't get away with abusing you like this. In my eyes, you really should have been dealing with her like this from the time you knew she was mistreating you, and even more so when you decided to be with her father for better or worse. Now its years down the line and she doesn't see you as anyone significant as far as disciplining goes. She likes people to see what she wants them to see, and if they aren't playing along she gets upset. That to me is a master mind at work.
My step daughter intentionally hurts my son (her half brother) then lies about it ALL THE TIME. She pushed him down the stairs recently and said it was an accident. I know her and what she did... her father doesn't support me when it comes to believing she is lying or anything for that matter. He believes her, then tells me to stop accusing her of lying all the time because shes not! So of course she gets away with it, and it scares the crap out of me! Im afraid she will end up killing my son "oh oops it was an accident, the knife fell out of my hand" or something like this.
The reason im even responding is to tell you I feel your pain and you are doing a wonderful job as a step parent. You have done everything you can possibly, besides dealing with her with your issues yourself. Even then i understand why you did it the way you did. Theres soooo much controversy on step parents and what and what not to do! I wish i had some advice for you, but if nothing else know that as a step mom to another step mom I recognize your great doings :)

I know this is old...the problem being a stepparent is that Stepparents are the bad parent. Look at the movies, Cinderella and Snow White and etc., they poisoned every one's mind that stepmom or dad are evil. They always side with the kids as perfect, doesn't make mistake, an angel. By the way, even you say that, 14 years old is a child, they have a say now in the family court...you don't need to wait until they are 18 years old to decide. When those kids at that age do criminal activities and found guilty, they are now considered getting adult sentence....I think soon enough the 14 years old will be treated as an adult....no more 18 years old adult thingy....this is America...anything can happen...

Dutch - we have the same situation. I have ego centric SD, she's 14, we can't do anything to undo those bad behaviors. She's been in and out of counseling. She and her mom caused most of the trouble from school and home, it's been 7 years ongoing. Background genetics, mom's side has schizophrenic brother. She denies to go mental testing, we think she has borderline personality disorder. She has NOOOO friends. All her friends, left her coz of her lie and control freak and maybe something else....

Going back to child, the critical time of child development is from the age of 0-5 years, after that...they are set...When the bio moms are permissive (Mostly do in divorce family), they are the side kick of their mom. Usually, one parent will give everything (spoil them) so in the end the child will choose them for custody and milk the parent who has higher income. We also have fu** up family law court system.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree especially when the child has more custody time with other parent. The more exposure the child to other parent, the more likely they will be with that parent.

nicholeleeigh_live_com

This morning, my 14 year old SD just lied that my son pooped, did not clean his bottom and did not flash the toilet lol. It is disgusting! My son was crying and told me he did not poo. So, I checked his bottom (there is no toilet paper present in the pooed toilet) and my son's bottom was clean. My SD did not say anything that is was her poo in the toilet when that was happening. I burst because nobody lies in front of me and using my own child(5 years old) to lie for a poop. Now, we wondered if my SD did not clean her bottom?? yuck! It also teaches my son to lie too(kids imitate). Stepkids are just....No apology, egocentric just as her biomom...smh

Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged.

A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work?

Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse.

Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however.

Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her.

What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place.

SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.