theotherside,
I'am sorry but your bill of rights expresses exactly the problem I have had with my 26 years old SD for the last 18 years.

She thinks she is entitled/allowed to say, do, plan, agree, discuss, etc. etc. etc. whatever she wants with her biofather without her showing any consideration whatsoever on the consequences of theses agreements, plans, discussions on my life and on my relationship with her father or how it affects my feelings as a human being who has cared for her for the last 18 years.

She has never once called or even bothered giving my a birthday card in the last 18 years, yet her brother and sister have been in my life for just as long and they show more respect towards me than she ever has. She has always given me the impression she has never wanted me in her life and that I was only her father's girlfriend, nothing more!

After being in her life for 14 years, on the day of her wedding, everybody she cared for and that was important in her life, had a corsage! Do you think I had one? Nope, yet I gave her 500 $ cash as a wedding gift? Oh boy did she ever enjoyed that? Do you think she thanked me for it? Nope! She thanked her father alright, but she never had enough considerations towards me to thank me also.

Yes her father is alot to blame for his daughter's lack of respect towards me and we've had many, many, many discussions and arguments concerning her lack of respect towards me. The problem is my husband never had the courage and guts to say NO to certain of wants! Why? Because she is a spoil child and still acts like one at 26 years old and because all her life she has made her father feel like he ''owes'' her because he left the mariage when she was really, really young!

This was the third year in a row that she came to my house at xmas without even giving me a christmas card, let alone a Christmas gift Her excuse : she has no money. Is a card really that expensive?

She is thinking of leaving her husband now. She has talked about her plans to everybody and anybody but not one word to me. She spends hoours on the phone with her father talking about this and then of course she has to let him know that she doesn't have any money now, and she's sad, blablablaba.

So what does her father do when he hears his poor little 26 year old daughter cry she has no money. He tells her, oh sweatie, when I get my bonus I will give it to you! He just gave her 500 dollars before christmas so she could buy a car. Now she doesn't have enough money to move and leave her husband! There's always something with her! You don't think these demands and needs on her part have ou should have an effect on my relationship with her father? You don't think everytime her father gives her money, it affects our financial situation?

I'm sorry but I could go on and on on how I feel some stepchildren make our lives miserable as stepparent and how little respect they show towards us!

My SD has always given me the impression that what she discusses about with her father is none of my business. Well, with her ignoring my advice, my opinions and my beliefs on the last situation she is going through, that is leaving her husband, I have decided to make her "none of my business"!

I wish you all the luck in the world as a stepchild and I hope, for your sake, that you never have to live what it is to be a stepparent.

*I will be able to make plans with my non-custodial parent without him/her always having to clear them with a spouse.

When I was married, the kids didn't have to clear every little activity with both of us. I wouldn't plan a trip to Disneyworld without conferring with my husband, but if the kids asked if I could take them to get their hair cut Saturday morning, I would have said yes (or no) without having to wait for his input.

*I will have a private space in each of my parents' homes.

Why would a kid be entitled to private space?
It doesn't have to be an entire room, but at least some part of that room has to be exclusively theirs, even if it is just a bed and a dresser. Sleeping on the living room couch is NOT a private space. Neither is sleeping someone else's bed (alone, presumably).

*The first priority of my parents will be the welfare of their children.

Evolutionarily speaking, the whole purpose of pair-bonding is the survival of your genes. The first priority of good parents is ALWAYS the welfare of the children. That does not mean that kids should always get everything they ask for, but their welfare is paramount.

*I will be able to spend time alone with each of my biological parents.

When you come from a big family, you don't get ANY alone time with your parents, trust me.

I disagree. When my husband and I were together, we tried very hard to make sure each of our many children had time alone with each of us on a regular basis. It was wonderful for the children, and wonderful for my husband and me as well.

I don't know... Having seen stepparenting/being a stepchild from all sides, the Stepchild's Bill of Rights just seems really "Me Me Me Me Me" oriented. The Stepmother's Bill of Rights seems to address the concerns and health of an entire family, and the Stepchildren's version is all about getting MY TIME with MY PARENT and doing what I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT and I WANT IT RIGHT NOW. What was the name of the fat purple kid in the original Willy Wonka movie? No, sorry, wrong kid. It's like the Veruca (sp?) version.

Like, think of it from the point of view of household that suddenly has an extra person added to it. Substitute "mother-in-law" for stepchild in the Stepmother's Bill of Rights. You read it as, "My husband and mother-in-law must treat me with respect." Heck yeah! Makes sense. But if you substitute "daughter-in-law" for stepchild in the other Bill, you get: "My daughter-in-law must not resent my presence, or worse, my very existence." That just comes off as angry and demanding. Of course she's not going to resent your presence if you're all working together to co-exist in the household, but if you DEMAND that she not resent your presence, you're probably the kind of family member that's going to be resented for a heck of a lot of other reasons, mostly attitude.

Again, just my 6 cents having done the step thing from every angle.

In your analogy, the mother-in-law (AKA stepchild) is the "extra" person. However, in actuality, the stepparent is the "extra person" - the parent and child were there first. If you reverse the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in the above example, "My mother-in-law must not resent my presence" is entirely reasonable - who would want to have a live-in mother-in-law who resented them?

littlesister, from reading what you have written, I tend to get the impression that although you did have a stepmother when you were a child, yours may have been a little more accepting and loving than my own as well as some of the ones posting on this site. Just as you think you cannot DEMAND that your stepmother not resent a stepchild presence, you also cannot DEMAND respect. Should you treat adults with courtesy when you are a child?...absolutely, but it is a little hard for a child to respect an adult who makes it clear that they are not wanted. I have read about kids on this site who are basically good, they may be a tad annoying at times, kids can just be that way, and the stepmothers and sometimes stepfathers talk about how they can't stand these kids. Just because a child is annoying to a stepmother doesn't mean that they shouldn't be able to spend time with their bio-parents or should feel unwelcome in the homes of those parents. Also, it may be true that in a large family, children don't get much alone time with their bio-parents, but in divorce, often kids feel rejected by the parent who leaves. It may not be true that the parents rejected them, but it is how a child FEELS anyway. So it does make since for the bio-parent to try to spend some alone time with that kid and to make them feel as if they are important. One more thing...It does not make since to substitute "mother-in-law" in the place of "stepchild" in the Stepmother's Bill of Rights. Mother-in-law is a grown person who does not NEED her son, but would LIKE to have a relationship with him, Stepchild needs his/her father and REQUIRES a relationship with him to grow into a well-rounded adult with no self-esteem problems.

to jerseystepmom...I understand why you feel the way you do about your SD. It is obvious you have done many things for you stepson and you probably aren't the kind who resents your SD for just existing. It's clear that she has done some things that have been harmful to you and that is not ok. I am just speaking from my own perspective. I have never done anything like that to my stepmother, but she still makes it clear that she resents my existence. I think she truly wishes that my dad had no other family except for her and her son (dads' stepson). All I am saying is that it doesn't exactly come across as constructive when you would send a list like that to your stepdaughter or to her mother. In fact, it is really something more like declaring war. I know that you want and deserve respect, but you may want to think about another way of going about it. I hope this doesn't come across as too judgy, I just can easily put myself in the shoes of your SD and I would really get fired up over an email like that.

Hi Raek! You're right, I had a stepmother who wasn't half bad, although I had a stepfather who was just horribel so I guess it balances itself out. :) Yeah my analogy probably wasn't the best but I guess I didn't think it out all the way! I'm confused though... I can't find both Wtepparent and Stepchildren rights on the link at the top. I wanted to show my sisters especially both of them but not on this page because I'm sure they don't want to see my babblings on a chat site :) I'm confused too because the Stepchild Bill seems so much angrier and bitter than the Stepparent one -- were they written by the same person? I was kind of hoping to hear more from someone who was both a stepparent and a stepchild!

littlesister...I think that theotherside wrote the stepchild's bill of rights in response to the original post by jerseystepmom, who got the stepmother's bill of rights from the link above. If you want to send it to your sisters, you should just cut and past the postings into an email and send it over. To cut and paste, you just highlight the part that you want to send and then right-click and highlight the "cut" and then go to the email and right-click again and highlight "paste". That should get you what you need. You may already know how to cut and paste, but I am used to explaining all of this to family member who aren't exactly computer-savvy. Hope this helps.

Well,I want to write a Bio-child's BILL OF RIGHTS!

* I have a right to not be bullied by my step sisters/brothers

* I have a right not to feel guilty because I was born when my step brother /sister wishes I wasnt

* I have a right to be happy my parents are married even though my step sister/brother still wants their dad/mom to be married/together.

* I have a right not to be treated more harshly because I live here and am not just visiting.

* I have the right not to be insulted by step sister/brother just because they seem to "think" I have it better.

* I have a right to be safe and protected from my step sister/brother doing me harm

* I have the right to not have my self essteam lowered by my step sister's/brother's insults.

I agree with little sister peach on some of the things posted.

the private space thing~~not all people have the money to provide "private space". I for one live in an apartment,when my step daughter came to visit,she had to share the room with our daughter.Sorry,but that's life.I had to share a room with my sister too.

About not being treated as an "outsider"~~~Well,if you act like an outsider,and dont coorperate with the family and the rules,you will be treated as such.

Not being expected to have a "higher standard of behavior"~~~this one is just insane.I dont know many people who WOULD expect a higher level of behavior.But in my case,my step daughter is 15,so yes,I DO expect her to act more mature then my 9 year old!!!

All the others I agree with.

I agree with you coolmama!! My husband and I show affection and respect with each other in our home (a man and wife SHOULD put their marriage first) - this is a positive influence on your children and will mold them to be an honest and loving adult. My daughter who is 11 sees this daily...my SS who is 15 no longer visits due to deadly threats to my child and myself...but when he was coming, he would try and come between us and almost did! MY husband chose not to let him - no matter how much it hurt him to tell him he could not come back until he agreed to family and personal counseling (he and his mom refuse). As far as "private space"....your responsibility is to monitor your children....if I suspect something - drugs, sex, or just plain bad behavior - I WILL search their room - I have found many of things stolen, porn, bad words, in my SS's room - everything was stripped except his bed!! I will do the same with my daughter if I have that GUT feeling. When you are 15 you are responsible for EVERYTHING you do and say - even if you are a stepchild!! My daughter went through a family divorce just like my SS did. She is 11 and is very respectful to her stepfather and trys with her stepbrothers - they will not accept her (keep in mind they are 15 and 24). I hate that my SS is the way he is - but this is his mother's fault - not his father, mine or my daughter. You have to take responsibity for you actions at some point and to me if you are smart and sneaky enough to threaten harm and then be an excellent liar about it - then you are old enough to be given "tough love". My husband and I have a good home with good values and we will not let my SS or if ever, my daughter ruin that....it is not my fault that I have raised my child to be a loving, respectful person - I am trying to do things the right way....and no one is coming into our home to change that!! As far as plans should be able to be made WITHOUT the step parent....this is totally wrong in my eyes...because if you ARE a family - you go as a family!!! Granted every child should have quality time with each parent - but that is true in a family that step's are NOT involved. The majority of things should be done as a family - that why you have children. My daughter's dad is re-married and she worships her stepmother and stepbrother...that is because we here at her home and them at her home there - show the family values and we all work together!! If you have a "teen" that comes in and trys to disrupt that and suceeds...then there is yet another family destroyed. So this means the SS (in our case) accepts the rules and the loving atmosphere or you pray that in years they will realize that this family is not so bad....

jenny, I think what theotherside meant when she says the welfare of the child should come first is being misunderstood. In fact, I think she did claify. She obviously isn't saying that if your life as the stepparent is threatened by the stepchild that it is ok that he is doing that and you should ignore all of that. She is saying that it is important to have the concerns of the chid in your head and heart and to consider what is BEST for the child above all else. Also, you say "it is not my fault that I have raised my child to be a loving, respectful person - I am trying to do things the right way"...It IS your fault and probably your ex husband's fault and also probably the fault of her stepmom as well, and congrats to all of you for that! You should be proud!

I also think that it IS important to spend time together as a family, but I also think it is important for a child to have a one-on-one relationship with the parents as well. If you are truely a stepparent who is trying to make it work, you may want to take the kids out on your own as well and try to do fun things with them. If you don't really have a relationship with them than you can't expect them to care about your feelings. You can't expect more out of a child than you put into them...you need to know that in all likelyhood, you will get less, but the more you put in, the more you will get out.

I think the bottom line is that there are stepchildren who are impossible to deal with, but most are not. Even if they are impossible, they are children and their father's should still seek out a relationship with that child even if it isn't always convienient for him or his wife. The other bottom line as that there are many stepparents who are truly trying to make it work, but there are also some who can't stand the child for nothing the child did, but simply because the childsr existance is inconvienent for the stepparent.

raek, I do agree that a parent (step or bio) should do things with the kids one-on-one. Believe me I have done that and so has my husband for the last 4-5 years. When I did that with my SS he would always tell me his dad would never marry me (he was 11 at the time - so I just ignored those remarks). Of course we did marry and I tried SO hard to make things work with my SS. Still my daughter and I were continuously hurt...I kept this to myself for a long time. I did not want to put negativity for my husband and his son. There are good step kids out there - my daughter is one of them. The last time I tried with my SS was 7 months ago when I sat with him one-on-one and begged, cried, everything....to please let us be a family - I just got a laugh in the face. So I gave up...and refuse to have my child put in harms way. My husband has chose not to have a relationship with his son at this time - my SS is well aware of what he is doing...we have tried -we have tried of bonding as a family - but after awhile you just have to get out of the picture and hope for the best!! I do believe if a child sees a closeness with two adults - that will have a positive influence - sometimes that is not the case....

While it is normal to be somewhat jealous of your siblings, a high level of jealousy usually has a basis - for whatever reason, the child in question does not feel as loved or cared for. The appropriate response is not punishment, or, worse yet, banishment, but more attention and love. Of course a child who sees his parent EOW is going to have a reason to be jealous of a half-sibling who lives with both his parents. This is one reason why I think that having additional children after remarriage is generally a bad idea.

It is one thing to have to share a room, but the children of the NCP should not have to sleep on a couch, the floor, or in the bed of one of the stepparent's kids, who happens to be sleeping elsewhere at the time.

Putting the welfare of the children first does not mean that the relationship of the parents has to be neglected, in a biological or blended family. Leaving your child with a competent babysitter while you occasionally go out to eat is probably good for the marriage and of no harm to the child; going on a month-long second honeymoon while leaving a two-month old nursing baby with a grandparent with Alzheimer's might be good for the marriage but would clearly be horrible for the child. As soon as you have children, every time you make a decision, your first consideration should be what effect it will have on your children, both short and long term.

Well this is just not so....the realization is that there are just some SK's that do not care and are just vendictive....no matter what you do.,

"Of course a child who sees his parent EOW is going to have a reason to be jealous of a half-sibling who lives with both his parents. This is one reason why I think that having additional children after remarriage is generally a bad idea."

That just makes me sad. Like, any kid who's not willing to open up and share their home with an additional sibling, half sibling or whole sibling or not, kind of strikes me as the kind of kid who doesn't want to share their cookies and wants to spend all day stomping around moping and pouting about ME ME ME. Like a kid who doesn't want to share their bedroom or clothes or hairbrush with anyone because it's MINE MINE MINE. Yeah it's totally understandable and I would **feel** for the kid, but that doesn't make it right. And it doesn't make it nice. When I think about the little sister I would have missed out on if my mother and stepdad had decided that because I would have been too jealous of a new kid, like WOW. God knows I hated and resented her a LOT when I was a teenager but she's like this amazing little person now and she's someone I'm so proud of and love so much. And to hear that having kids after remarriage is a bad idea I think is so selfish in so many ways... Selfish on the parents part because you're denying your child the chance to be an older sibling and grow into a better person, learning to share, and selfish on the stepchild's part because you can't expect the world to revolve around you. If you hit your teen years and your birth parents have a new baby, of course you're going to feel like you're getting the short end of the stick and not get enough time with them any more. But tough. Thats life. You learn, you eventually love. If you hit your teen years and your step parent has a new baby, you're still going to feel left out. But I find it sad that the step kid would get denied a relationship with a sibling, which often times you don't realize or respect until you're an adult. Just because they're going through that self-centered me-me-me period. I mean, eventually we all grow out of that right? Because to be stuck there for the rest of your life would just be depressing, and I think that's what little siblings are for. They teach you that life goes on and other people will eventually come ahead of you, because they're smaller or younger or need more care or whatever. Whether theyre blood or full siblings or even adopted ones its all the same.

While I think it's great you decide not to have kids and concentrate all your time on your stepkids,I myself wasnt about to deprive my husband nor myself of having a child of our own.
While this may not come out that great~my husband did not have a real relationship with the mother of the step child we have problems with. They were not married,and she took the child away and said he would NEVER know her.
So,am I to not let my husband have a child whose life he CAN be a part of? Who knew years later the mother would FINALLY decide to let my husband see this daughter (because she up and left town and he didnt even know where they were for like,8-9 years!) She only came around cuz she wanted money from my husband.
We had planned on letting his child move in with us,but she displayed this violence and abused my daughter.So we changed our minds. It is my belief that my daughter's safety has priority over everything else.His daughter is a teenager for GOD's sake,she should know better then to hit a little kid.

My situation is obviously different then alot of people's.But while I can still breathe,no one will ever hurt my child.

Jenny, you say..."the realization is that there are just some SK's that do not care and are just vendictive....no matter what you do"...As are some stepparents.

Yes this is the case sometime - but not in mine....I have always wanted a son and thought I had one when I married his father (not to take place of his mom) - I just do not understand this kind of behavior....I was raised with a stepmom - everything was great...so I have not lived this part of the turmoil...so therefore I went in this marriage with different expectations of the family life...unfortunately it turned the wrong way! The only way I knew how to have a stepparent was in a positive way.

To Raek: I do understand that you would resent receiving the Bill of Rights from me if you were the ex or my SD. However, you do not understand how they treated me -- continuously. They wanted to pretend that I didn't exist, that I had no say in anything around her kids (including the son that I have full-time care for). If I commented about an expensive summer camp for our SS, I was "resentful because she never got to do those fun things"; we bought a little house near the water to spend time in the summer with the kids doing stuff together but to the ex "it was only to be near her family"; when I mentioned expecting us and the kids to spend time kayaking or swimming in the yard I was mocked "this is HER idea of fun in the summer"; if I complained that my SD stole my things I was told that she "only borrowed them"; I could go on and on . . .nothing I ever did was good or nice or because I genuinely cared about the kids. She wanted to be their friend, I tried to be a parent along with my husband (the ex even told me that my SD's sex life was none of my business because she is 19 -- despite the fact that she was staying out late, drinking, getting high and having sex while she was living with us for the summer). So much I could say, but I've posted enough of the garbage I have had to put up with. So, yes, under normal circumstances, that shouldn't be necessary. If you just treat others with respect and honesty and recognize a common goal of raising a happy healthy child. But, what I was up against was a far cry from normal . . . What tells me that my husband and I do have the right idea is that his son is thriving with us and all of my brothers and sisters raised happy healthy children, some of whom now have children of their own. The ex is a bitter woman who is in and out of relationships and homes (4 in 5 years!), who measures love by how much money is spent and who will give her children anything she can to "win" their love and pit us against each other (when taking my SS to summer camp, she told my SD "go with me so it evens out the camps"!!)

Line Jenny Alabama, I came into this thinking that we could all love and care for the children because we were adults who were capable of putting our petty differences aside for their sake. What came at me was a woman with personality disorders who raised a histrionic, sociopathic daughter. I had no idea that there are people out there who are so mentally and socially disturbed, and worse...that I had to deal with regularly. Had I met the ex out in a social situation, I would have steered clear as soon as her craziness started to show through. Had I met my SD, I would have thought she was the most charming, pretty, intelligent young woman I had ever met. What I know about her, I pray we don't get a call from jail or read about her in the paper someday....like those 48 Hours Mystery stories.....

I am so sorry for those children out there who have these unstable women come into their lives as their stepmothers, and I do understand why you would be so bitter. I guess just as you have helped us to see things through your eyes, you can also see that we adults also have feelings and can be very hurt by the "childish" games that are played by the ex's and the children. Some of us truly do want to help the children and have a relationship -- not that of your mother, but a respected adult who does have a vested interest in your health and well-being -- physically and mentally.

I just think this sort of tug of war on this forum is irratating. Why do we continue to debate with these "bill of rights" when as I've said before EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. There are evil stepmothers,evil step children,and evil step fathers.
There are also kind and loving step parents who bend over backwards for their kids. Greatful and responsible step kids...
Alot of people have problems though. You cant say what is right for one person is right for everyone.

I have been a step child (twice) and now I'm a step mother. I never asked to be either one,no one does.I do the best I can do when I'm put in the situation.

For me,being a step mom is a double edged sword. I have step daughters I love,that I cant imagine not having in my life. I also have one that is so mean,rude,cruel and abusive that there have been times I didnt think I could another second!

I guess I just dont see what all this debating is doing any good. None of us really knows what anyone else on here is ACTUALLY going through. I think we should stick to giving advice and supporting each other and stop with the blame games. Just my two cents.

I don't think it is typical, littlesisterpeach, for children to be very jealous of their full siblings when they are much younger. My oldest were in their early teens when my youngest was born, and I would have been happy for either one of them to raise their sibling if I had suddenly dropped dead - their relationship with her has always been more maternal than sibling-like. On the other hand, I think it is perfectly normal for kids to not appreciate each other when they are closer in age, until they get older.

I've been a step-child. I loved my step-dad because he was someone really cool to hang out with. I didn't have my own space in anyone's house. Spending time with one parent or the other without spousal approval never entered the equation. I grew up happy with solid boundaries in a comfortable home. I read the Step Child's Bill of Rights and it sounds just like my youngest step-daughter, all about her. Maybe it's just the way kids are now but quite honestly, I think it sucks. Now that I'm a step mother, it definitely sucks.

No kids are deserved to be bullied. Even full siblings sometimes bully each other. It has nothing to do with being Step or not. It is all about parenting so that the kids learn not to bully each other.

How about step-mothers don't deserve to be bullied?

I just wanted to say that I never "nit pick" my step kids as you said many step mothers do. The issues I had with my step daughter were serious because she was harming my daughter.
I have taught my daughter since toddler ages telling her to NEVER, EVER hit another child...and she never has.She wont even INSULT another child!
So,to have this much bigger step daughter hitting her was just such a shock. I could over look all of her other behavior but that.

And,there is hope as far as step families go.Not all are bad.
Mine isnt even ALL bad.

I have two step daughters who are wonderful girls.They are responsible,caring,intellegent,and creative. They love MY daughter. When we are all together,we have alot of fun and our home feels complete.
I also get along quite well with my step dad (now,after a few hard teenage years)

Maybe one day I can get along with the other step daughter~I may never.

Yeah, I'm with Aldra. I had one really great stepparent, one not so great one -- but for totally different reasons. Didn't have my own space in anyone's house, spending time with one parent without spousal approval wasn't an issue. All in all a pretty decent childhood so I gotta say yeah the stepchild's Bill of Rights seems all about whoever wrote it. And yes like Aldra says -- "now that I'm a step mother" that list really sucks, the more I read it.

I wrote the stepchild's bill of rights above (cribbed from the stepparents' bill of rights, obviously (another poster wrote the stepchild's bill of rights in the other thread). I can assure you that it is not "all about me." I am not, and have never been, a stepchild. I am an adult, probably older than any of the stepparents here who currently have young children at home.

Once you have children, it IS all about the children. Not about what they want at the moment, but about what they need, and about what is best for them. Rereading what I wrote, there is not a single thing there that is in any way unreasonable.

Oh! I didn't realize that list was written by someone here... I guess I thought it came off of the family(?) site the other one was hosted by. I also guess that's why so much of it doesn't ring true to me... Does anyone have a link to one actually written BY stepkids? Hopefully adult ones who can now see the forest for the trees, because I know if I had written something like that when I was younger it would have started with 'must be allowed to spend unlimited time on the phone' and ended with 'must not be prohibited from visiting friends overnight whenever invited' you know what I mean? Ha! Seriously though, the original stepchild's rights list is OK if you are talking about ONE child in a VERY upper or upper middle class home who demands a LOT LOT LOT of attention but I wonder if there's something out there that applies to more of a middle ground and for those stepfamilies with multiple kids of all ages. And those of us who don't have the $$$ for every kid (bio or step or whatever) to have their own separate private space and time alone with every parent. I really would love to have a list like this to share with all the 'steps' in my family but I'm not confident enough to write it myself!

There is bullying,and then there is flat out abuse. What my step daughter did to my daughter,was FLAT OUT ABUSE. It was dangerous,cruel,and quite possibly deadly. Yes,I said DEADLY.

Taking a tiny little girl,grabbing her by her shirt and then letting go so she goes flying into the corner of a wall head first could HAVE KILLED HER. Punching in the back of the head,if done the wrong way~COULD HAVE KILLED HER.

I'm talking about a step child who is about 5'5 at age 14, already at 150 pounds hitting a 40 pound child that is about 3'7. Now you tell me if that is just bullying,or abuse?

That is like a grown adult hitting a kid. I DONT EVEN or have EVER hit my daughter.

Sure,a biological kid could hit as well,but not if it was MY child,because I have raised MY child not to be like that. Why should my daughter have to suffer because some other woman didnt teach her daughter YOU DONT HIT LITTLE KIDS~OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER!

She shouldnt,and she wont~because I wont allow it! As far as I'm concerned my step daughter's space is NOT IN MY HOME.
Not until she can keep her hands to herself!!!

coolmama, you hit it right where it needs to be...you go! :) other people would know what you are feeling - if they were in your shoes....

A step child should have no more rights than a biological child. It isn't logical to claim that because they went thru divorce, they are more, or less, deserving than a child in an bio family. Sounds like some sort of affirmative action bull to me.
Next thing you know we will be required to provide them with a college education - even if we don't have the funds to do so, much less them having the grades required to be accepted. We will be required to buy them a car and provide insurance, gas money and repairs. Even if they can't pass their drivers test. This is total bull.
A step child deserves the same as a bio child. You get what you give and it goes both ways. Love, respect, privileges earned. Not entitlements.

theotherside, you say you are not and never have been a stepchild....have you ever been or are you a stepparent?

I don't think that step children exacly deserve more rights than a bio child, but lets be honest, they need a little more attention from the parent they don't live with in order to stay connected. They don't see that parent on a day-in, day-out basis. They don't get the same kind of care from both parents as they would if they were all living in the same home.

Also, I think that theotherside has clarified her possition more than once on the "child deserves his/her own space in a parents home". Do you honestly don't think that a kid should have a dresser or closet and a place to sleep in thier parent's home?

I think that ALL CHILDREN should get more than they give, at least until they are adults. It is the parents job...all parents, not just the bio mom...to set a good example of behavior for the children.

Littlesister...if you look under the post "stepchildren's bill of rights" it is written by lilysuzanne, who also wrote the post "if I could tell stepmothers of adult stepchildren anything" She is the adult stepchild of a woman who has completely cut everybody out of her dad's life.

Coolmama, from what I said, I did not mean I do not agree with what you said about your step daughter abusing your daughter. Of course you are doing great protecting your daughter. I was referring to:

"I have a right to not be bullied by my step sisters/brothers"

I think it goes both ways, bio or step. I see between my 2 stepsons, they are Full brothers, but the older one always bully the younger one, and we always have to be 'the judge'. However, they have no issues dealing with their young half-sister.

I was diligent about raising a child who respects the space of others,and does not hit others for no matter what reason.
I have drilled this into her head from a young age,and because of that,she is a sensitive, kind soul who feels the pain of others.
As I have mentioned in other posts,she has also had serious health problems leading her to be in the hospital frequently.

My step daughter KNEW all of this...yet she hit my daughter after repeatedly being told that it could make her go to the hospital and that we wont tolerate it.
Any stress at all,or physical injury and my daughter is very ill and having to be stuck with needles.
Try having to hold down a child as she screams in pain from needles,and then ask me if I have sympathy for the step child who has caused this!

My husband and I bent over backwards trying to make sure his daughter felt loved and was treated fairly.
I switched bedrooms so the room the girls had to share would be bigger.Ran out and spent money on bunkbeds.
Shopped for special gifts for her birthday and Christmas that I really put alot of planning into.
Tried to take her fun places everyday instead of all of being stuck in the house bored together.Like swimming (which she didnt want to do) and bowling,or the movies.

After all that,to hurt our daughter who has been through so much pain already in her young life is something I just CANNOT forgive.
When she was here after it happend,I couldnt even sleep at night.Worrying if she might hurt her while she was sleeping!

Choppymom, I also want to point out that you have boys.Boys are much different then girls. I have a nephew and I know he kinda likes to "rough house" a little. That is not what I'am reffering to.
I'm talking about devious,intent on actually HURTING another child.
Most bio-kids may pick on their younger siblings,but do not intend to cause them actually harm or pain. Because my step daughter is so jealous (though she has no reason to be!) and does not have a bond with my daughter,she hurt her without any remorse at all.

On this forum,I read alot about how some step kids that have turned teenagers become violent and out of control. My question is when is it enough? When do you stop with worrying about their so called rights when they are infringing apon the right of others???

All I can say to this is "AMEN"....

The ideas behind the "Stepmothers Bill Of Rights" sounds great, in a perfect world. But nothing is perfect in my house when my SSs come to visit. I'm ignored, by SSs and husband, they do whatever they want and don't do whatever they don't want. Husband lets them get away with this. When I get mad because SS17 and SS14 don't pick up after themselves, I'm the bad one.

Don't make supper for them. Or wash their clothes. Or take out the garbage. Or do the countless other things you do for them. If they want to ignore you and any reasonable requests you may have, then you can ignore theirs. They are all old enough to do it for themselves so let them try. And yes, it may seem like a punishment to you (I absolutely hate dirty dishes and a messy house) but in the end, when their underwear is crusted permanently to their bodies, they will hopefully realize that ignoring you may not be the smartest course of action. AND, your husband is a different story altogether. He should absolutely know better. If he feels that he can ignore you and make you feel invisible in your marriage, well, the next time he wants to cuddle up with you in bed, just remind him that you're invisible... Must I say any more??!!!! If he can't play nice, then no play.

I agree lone.... don't pick up after them... I go on "strike" and do not do anything in the house ... no supper dishes nothing I do only for me then they realize I do not have to do anything for them I do stuff because I want to... yeah hubby shakes his head and gets cranky but he can do it himself did it before I was around so I know he can do it.

I absolutely adore my mom but I remember a few times when she went on strike when I was a child!! This is not a stepchild/stepparent issue, it's a matter of being taken advantage of, taken for granted and disrespected in your own home.

And gggrrrrrrr to husbands shaking their heads...big babies!!!!

Jerseystep mom, all I have to say is you hit the nail right on the head. And I will bet you money Theotherside is the mother of a step child who goes home to her after visiting the other parent and cries and complains that "they make me feel like an outsider","they make me clean up my mess" and so on. Never mind that their darling doesn't tell the WHOLE story. Typical behavior of the spoiled step child visiting NCP household. You got the ME ME ME behavior right Littlesisterpeach,... only it wasn't about them persay more about their child.

step-pretzel,

I assume you meant that I was the mother of a child, since you can't be the "mother" of a "step-child."

Actually, my H's current wife allows only one of my kids to visit more often than once every couple of years. Back when they were younger and visiting every couple of months, as far as I know they never were asked to do any chores at her house. Apparently they sat around playing computer games most of the time. My oldest adult kids have never met her.

It is the yelling at them in public by both their father and her for everything from not making purchasing selections fast enough to what college they go to (to which he doesn't contribute financially) that gets to them. They do not enjoy being embarrassed.

What did I say? Was I right or was I right? You, theotherside, are a bitter ex wife who raised your children to be bitter young adults who, when their father and stepmother did not bend to your rules you accuse them falsely. Do you even listen to your own prattle? What a Narcissistic, obdurate attitude you have. No wonder your children's father has had enough of them, or rather not them... it isn't them sweetheart, it is you they have had enough of. Every post I have read on this board you chime in with your bitter spitefulness and refuse to even consider the fact that YOU could have unduly swayed your children. Your childrens eagerness to placate you and conciliate to no avail seems to be the only reason you believe that you are right. In addition, sitting here, I realized what your ex and his wife are up against and I too throw up my hands in disgust over your attitude. And as time goes by and you continue to wallow in your own self-pity, you may come to the realization that you are the ruination of your family.

As "doubts07" posted so eloquently on July 23, 07

"Âyou are so paranoid about gf/sm relationship with your ex...... what is up with that....obviously your parenting style is different from your exes... leave it at that and stop trying to blame every seemingly negative thing on her. It is not wrong to be polite and say thank you.....you're putting a negative twist on everything for no reason......i said thank you for everything i recieved from my bioparents because that's how i was raised.....to be polite"

And in conclusion, as posted by "lafevem" on July 23

"I am no more qualified than anyone else to answer any of these questions, and have determined this is not the place for me. I came to the forum looking for help for my family and this has turned into s BM vs. SM forum and a debate about finances most of the time. I was looking for support and more and more of the responses seem to be bitter and negative. The responses are about putting a SM in her place and making sure, we realize we are nothing other than babysitters. I have enough of that in my daily life without getting more here. I have appreciated "getting to know" many posters-vista, cawfe, and angelz, to name a few, and wish you all the best."

Therefore, I too will bid this forum adieu. Good day to you all.

Please, everyone, let's keep in mind one central issue:

Everyone here is looking for a safe place to ask questions, get the view from the other side and make their families better. It does no good to attack one another, especially for just asking a question. People get enough of that in their own strife-filled family situations. Let's be a soft place to land for our fellow posters.

Step pretzel -- you are so right.

These BMs like TOS and KKNY -- they should get a life and be more supportive of their children having a good relationship with SMs. If they were such great wives, husbands wouldnt haveleftthem.

"when their father and stepmother did not bend to your rules you accuse them falsely. "

What rules? Accuse them falsely of what? This statement has nothing to do with anything I have posted. Was this post cut and pasted from a reply to some poster on a different board?

Ok, now I can appreciate the vast majority of the posters here whose replies to my posts, even if I don't agree with them, at least have a logical relationship to the subject at hand.

BTW, my children are definitely NOT into placating me. If they disagree with me about anything, I will hear about it. Endlessly.

No, Helenar, but if my husband had not been suffering from severe depression precipitated by the tragic death of a young relative, he would not have left. He told me himself after he left that as of a few months previously, he had not planned to ever leave.

I'm new to this forum...I've read threads but have never posted. I want to introduce myself, I'm 24 years old, from NYC. I am about to become a stepmother to 3 kids, ages 5,3 and 1 (girl-boy-girl, respectively). I'm trying to get as much insight as possible before I experience any situations common to stepfamilies. I have to say, the stepchild bill of rights doesn't seem to be very fair. Basically, it seems to give rights to the child that they don't deserve. No one, especially a child, will run my own home. Of course, it goes without saying that the child deserves to be cared for and raised to be a productive adult. HOWEVER- I will not stand aside while plans that affect ME are discussed without myself involved. I'm willing to let them share as much time as they want, but I'M THE ADULT, therefore I WILL BE RESPECTED. No child tells an adult what they will and will not do.
As for the bio-moms on the forum, I empathize with you. I understand the feelings that goes along with having to share your children with this new person that's not of your choosing. BUT.... please don't associate us SMs with the standard "stereotypes". We are not homewreakers, we are not empty-headed females with no sense. Not all of us are trying to replace you. I, for one, am childless. I am well aware of the fact that I have not birthed any kids. But at the same time, WE are the ones who deal with your kids when they come to OUR house. We are the caregivers when you are not around. We are helping raise children that aren't ours!!!! It takes a big person to do that, and I commend the SMs on this site...keep doing what you are doing, you are my inspirations. BMs, keep fighting the fight....make sure your kids are healthy and happy. I know it has to be hard, but as women, we are well-equiped to handle tough situations. Best of luck to all!

Imani,

I would strongly suggest you read the thread starting "Hindsight" I cant imagine many here would recommend becoming a stepmom to 3 at 24. You have your life in front of you. There are many men without children. I commend you on your energy, but you should think long and hard. As to what "rights", be aware that once you are talking about children of divorce, the courts have a say. I hope you have discussed this with FDH. Are you planning on more children? Who will pay for education?

Dearest Imani, I bet if you asked the SMs on this forum how many of us believed before marriage that we were going to be respected by our SKs, treated as a capable adult, in control of our own lives, consulted by our DHs regarding SKs and EWs, making mutual plans regarding visitation, blissfully happy with all of the decisions our DHs would make about "his" children, "took care of" the EW, inlaws, and SKs, etc. I bet most of us would've said we were led to believe all that BS hook, line, and sinker. And if you asked us now, after years of marriage in a blended family, we would tell you that it was just that - BS.

I hate to rain on your parade but I too thought the same things as you said in your post: I'm the adult, I'm in control, I won't be mistreated, I won't allow my DH to make plans that affect me w/o my consent, but it all happens and way too often. I'm now in marriage counseling after only a year of marriage because my DH won't stand up to his parents, EW, and most importantly, his son.

Check out www.steptalk.org - I think you'll be surprised at what you find.

Imani-

I am 24 and I have three step children 10,8,6 and one child 4 .... dont let people tell you your age is necessarily a factor.