Hi, Lily

Fair question.

Regarding books, etc., I have to mention again "Step Wars".
It gives every side of the issue, and helped me to understand the concerns that step-children have when the family changes. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. Even if you don't think that your relationship will ever mend. It has given me tremendous insights into everyone's point of view.

Now to answer your question: From the very beginning, my expectation was to have a peaceful mutually respectful relationship with everyone, including my husband's ex-.
I honestly did way too much to try and mend fences.

In my situation, there were 2 step-families:
1) My husband's birth family--his father had 2 wives, and my husband was an only child of the second marriage, and had two older (by 20 years) 1/2 siblings. They hadn't spoken to each other in years.

2) My new step-family, in which I had 2 children (3 & 5) and he had 2 children (13 & 16), and we each had ex spouses, plus he had an ex- long time female companion, who stalked us for 3 years after we married.

(Got all that?)

Now regarding issue #1: I was friends with my husband's 1/2 siblings long before I ever met him, and I was able to bring everyone to the table, and their sincere underlying love for each other overcame the hurts and now everyone has a great relationship. (Miracle #1).

Regarding my own step-family--In the beginning, I assumed that we all wanted the same thing, but that was not true.
I was very open, loving, and welcoming to my husband's children--my SS lived with us, my SD lived with her mother, but close by. My husband and I had very different parenting styles, and we both irritated each other in dealing with our own kids. In fact my husband and I had a "discussion" last night about my parenting style with my kids.

Also, my SK were used to unlimited access, and resented me being in the family.

Now, sure, as time went by, I became resentful of the double standard that my husband has with the 2 sets of kids.
And sure, after a while, you get tired of giving and feeling used.

I don't think that reminders of past lives was ever an issue, since we both had ex's, and honestly I was willing to have a good relationship with his ex-. There were just too many variables, and naturally, she was ready to pounce on me with the slightest whimper from her kids, when most of the time she had no clue about the actual situation.
She could turn the most unselfish greatest intention into an act of treason, (e.g. the ski/spa trip to Utah, or many many other examples).

There was always the hint that I was after Dad's money--which is thoroughly safe, by the way, even though my income has been substantial, and I stand to inherit from my family, too. Frequently, I have to remind my husband that
"I came in this world with nothing, and I'm going out that way'.

My greatest observation has been these:

1) that time does soften hearts, in the case of both families.

2) the most important thing is to avoid saying hurtful things, because they are remembered.

3) try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, even when it's uncomfortable.

4) remember that there are equal but different ways to raise children.

5) everyone has to compromise.

The most important step forward in our relationship has been when I disengaged, because they resented my intrusion into their family anyway, and they were glad when I was no longer in the equation. Also, they becan to ever so slightly appreciate some of my good points, when I was totally gone, and also, I think it made them sad to see my husband alone at all of their events.

I am not as needy as I was 8 years ago, and my need for a family is not as great. I really wanted to please my husband in this regard, but we have grown accustomed to having our family plus his family, and his children are more like in-laws than step-children.

Hi lily! Although my SS and DD are both 12, I can answer some of your questions honestly.

I expect my 12-yr-old SS to function at the same level as my DD can. I no longer wipe her butt, provide catered breakfasts, lunches, or snacks. I don't have to remind her daily to brush her teeth, shower, or change her clothes. She is able to get out of bed in the morning, get ready for school, then complete her homework on her own without me constantly poking and prodding her. What makes this really interesting or ironic is DH refuses to have any more babies be/c he doesn't want to take care of any more. Uh, excuse me, he still is.

I can tell you that while SS is not here, DH and I are in a completely different state of living/being vs. when he is here. That is DH's fault as he allows SS too much control in our home.

When I get mad about the numerous phone calls EW is making, I tell DH about it, not SS. DH doesn't deal with it so he catches my wrath.

If I'm guilty of anything, it's being honest as I detest liars and will call anyone on it. I went down that path with DD's dad and refuse to be a victim of lies again. DH knew of this when we began dating. Unfortunately, SS is a liar so if he or DH see me as causing negative interactions in our home, then they both need to look at the source of this problem. And DH needs to stop enabling SS to lie and manipulate.

I firmly believe fathers are just as responsible for the negative interactions and feelings that occur in stepfamilies as the stepmothers.

Hi Lily, I wanted to answer your questions because you have always answered mine and I wanted to return the favor. Thanks for always being honest.

I was married for 18 years with no children before I met DH. DH was married for 19 years with 2 children SD 26 and SS 22. My X wanted out, mid life crisis, had many affairs. DH X's wanted out, had a 2 year affair, married the guy, and divorced him 5 months later, regreted divorce from DH, wanted my DH back, told the kids she wanted DH back.

Dated DH 5 years, kids were decent while we dated, been married to DH the last 3 years.

I have No children of my own to hold the kids to other standards. I do work with children and have for years.
I looked forward to a friend relationship with my SCs, however, they would not except any of my invitations over the years. They attempted in many ways to break DH and myself up, it was obvious. I tried to ignore the behavior when they were younger, however after they were 19 or 20 years old I just could not any longer make excuses for their behavior.

DH and I agreed when we married that he would support his children until they were done with 4 years of college. SD has been done for 3 years and we still help her out. SS has 1 year left and we will help out until then and maybe a little longer. Bio mom does not help with anything for her children and that does frustrate me.

I personally love to have the SC visit, but, they often choose not to visit. When they do visit or call they always want something that involves money, it is sad. I feel that for the last 7 years I have not contributed to their negative behavior towards me, however, the last year I have been disengaging and my behavior could be coming across as if I don't care if their around. But in my view it takes two to have a relationship and these SC have not tried in 7 years to have a relationship with me. I guess I am burnt out and have given up. If they want me in their life they will have to give just a little.

I got the impression from these posts that the answer is "no," it is never the stepmother's fault. If she is resentful, it is the result of the actions of the children, their father, or their mother.

"I expect my 12-yr-old SS to function at the same level as my DD can. "

Apart from any step family issues, I believe that this is an unreasonable expectation. Not only do boys typically mature later than girls, but all children are different. I have one child who not only could get herself ready for school and do all her chores and homework without reminder by that age, but could get all her younger siblings ready to go someplace, cook the whole family dinner, and probably could have run the family business. On the other hand, she was not an easy child to raise as a pre-teen or early teen. I had others who at that age had to be reminded to shower, and most had to be reminded to do their homework and their chores for years after that age. Every child is different, and what is a reasonable expectation for one child is not necessarily reasonable for another, even when no learning disabilities are involved.

Hi Lily,

I'm a SM who is soon to also be a SD, and let me tell you my experiences as a SM have made me a whole lot nicer to my soon-to-be SM than I would have been had I not had my two SS.

Do I hold my SS to higher expectations?

No. In fact I think I'm pretty easy on them.

Do you ever (be honest now) feel as if the stepchildren coming for a visit are "intruding" upon your happy life with you and your husband?

DH and myself have full custody of both SS, which I admit was hard at first since they were extremely neglected at BM's getting them back into a normal family environment has been nothing short of a challenge (they came back from a house where they weren't even expected to bathe regularly let alone have a bedtime, eat at a table or do anything resembling chores) but now well worth the effort. I was initially resentful of having to assume the full financials of both boys as BM doesn't pay child support, but I wouldn't say they're 'intruding'.

Do you ever take out your feelings of jealousy or anger over your husband's ex upon your stepchildren?

While we were in the midst of all the legal drama, yes and I regret it. I would vent some anger twards my oldest stepson who would purposefully bait me (I know its not an excuse but I was young and new to having children in my home to begin with!) I was pissed that they were costing me so much money (I coughed up over 20G in legal fees for him)

Do you ever wish your ex doesn't have anyone to remind him of his past life with another woman?

No, never. See his first marriage was a shotgun wedding because he was trying to 'do the right thing' then he preceded to work two jobs, go to school full time, then come home and try to spend time with his sons and do all the housework cause she just couldn't 'handle it'. Needless to say 6 years later BM cheats with a 10 years her younger fry cook and up and leaves him and the boys. Since then has been on welfare, in and out of rehab and shaking up with boyfriends. Am I jealous of that? No way. I'm proud of DH for trying to do the right thing when he knew it was hopeless, DH and myself have provided a much more stable loving environment for all our boys both step and bio and will continue to do so. If they need help after they turn 18 we'll give it to them cause thats what parents do.

Thank you for that perspective.

It seems so easy doesn't it?

To Lily, TOS, KK, and anyone who hasn't been in
the shoes of a step-parent, it is not easy.

TOS and KK, you have said that you have chosen not to be in our shoes.

It is very easy to be an armchair quarterback.

KK quite frequently points out the high rate of divorce among
second marriages, but don't forget the high rate of divorce among first marriages. Marriage is not easy under the best of circumstances. Try throwing kids into the mix who know that they are loved unconditionally, who know from experience that spouses can be temporary, and who really don't understand the impact of the things that they are saying and doing.

Good luck to all three of you. I hope that you are never in this situation, and I don't know what you were expecting to gain from asking this question. If we answered that it was our fault, you would point a finger at us. If we answered that it wasn't our fault, you point a finger at us.

Lily, this is so familiar to me, this catch 22, situation.
There is never a right answer with my steps and my husband's ex. If I am involved, I am too pushy. If I am not involved I am cold and uninvolved.

My choice is that I no longer care. Thank you for renewing those feelings, which are so appropriate.

If I dropped dead tomorrow, my stepkids would only be interested in their cut of the pie.

When I first became involved in this site, it was because I was truly searching for answers. I googled "mothers of adult step-children" and got your list of rules for mothers of adult step-children.

I know that our situations are different. But you are certainly less successful in your step-family than I am.
My step-children have total access to my DH without me, and there are no issues regarding property or inheritance.

You indicate that this is all your stepmother's fault, but
I think there is a lot more to it than that. You indicate that your stepmother is mentally ill, but I hold your father responsible, and I think there's more that we don't know.

Good luck to the three of you, and someday maybe you will have the opportunity to see what life is like from my perspective. Maybe then you can have some empathy for what it's like.

I could give you all kinds of advice, but how valuable would that be to you?

I could give KK and TOS advice on keeping a husband--

I could tell Lily all about my parents who are healthy and married 53 years. And my mother who has survived breast cancer and a relapse, because she took good care of herself, and got regular checkups.

But really, is that useful to you? Does that help you?

Or do you just resent the useless advice, because I am not in your shoes?

But isn't that really what this is about? This is about hurting stepmothers because it feels good to you to punish us, because you don't have the guts or the opportunity to really punish the people who have hurt you.

KK you said that you don't know your husband's GF personally. Why is that? If you have so much to say, why not just pick up the phone or go over there and tell her? Why not sue her for alientation of affection? You could have all kinds of contact if you did that. You could get the really juicy details, and see her squirm. You could make Hubby squirm, too. But it's easier to just needle us, isn't it?

Hello Lily,

I have been a stepdaughter and recently a step mom. So maybe I can give you a balanced perspective. My husband, whom I met after his divorce, has three kids, I have none. My husbands' Ex is a reasonable person with whom I get along. She did have an affair, which preceded the divorce.

Do I vilify the Ex for the affair that broke up her family? No, I have actually defended her with my SS. When one person has an affair, it is usually the symptom of a bad marriage, not the cause of it. It takes two to make a marriage work or fail.

Overall, I think the reality of the step family dynamics are extremely difficult. The divorce rate for second marriages when there are children involved is 70%, and the average duration of a second marriage is four years. (I saw these statistics on the internet posted in various places, so I think they are accurate.)

I have a strong relationship with the SS, and decent relationships with the SDs. (I think defending their Mom helped with my SD relationships.)

Can I empathize with Skids about how difficult it is to see your Dad love someone who is not your Mom? Absolutely. There are issues of torn loyalties, and having a feeling of having to take sides with one parent. When a family falls apart, there is so much hurt and anger.

It is understandable that Skids do not embrace their Dad's new wife. The kids lives are shattered by divorce, but Dad gets a second chance for happiness. Again it is understandable for Skids to feel anger, to make the new intruder the bad guy, and paint one of the parents as a saint. It is hard to see your parents as fallible people, instead of gods. It is far easier to put the blame on someone else, punish Dad by taking out on his new wife.

Kids need to deal with anger, and while it isn't fair, it is usually what happens. The step mother often takes a lot of heat.

It is the step family situation, not the people, that are to blame. Most kids would feel angry. I wasn't so nice to my step mom, but she did a lot of things for me that were not her responsibility. As an adult, I can appreciate her, something that was impossible to do as a kid.

I see my role as providing a nice environment for the Skids when they see their Dad. I am all for his taking vacations with them without me. I know they need alone time with their Dad.

I try to have no expectations that my efforts to build a relationship will be reciprocated. I have also disengaged quite a bit. The Skids aren't intruders. But I realize that they come into the house with some strong negative feelings, and their own point of view.

Hope this all helps you.

I truly believe that stepmothers (those who had nothing to do with the divorce of the man they married), go into the marriage very hopeful for a good relationship with SC (s) and even with the ex-wife.

I'm talking about well-meaning women with healthy minds and spirits. I also believe that most of the women who post here fall into that category.

Why would we choose to have chaos and bad feelings with our SC? Many of us who post here have a very full plate with our professions and that includes a lot of stress. I know that what I desire most in my personal life are good feelings, peace and harmony.

I have absolutely no feelings of jealousy or insecurity about my DH's previous marriage. I also do not resent my husband's daughters. They are his children and they are a part of him.

What I do resent is the regular dose of disrespect and hatred that has been dished out in my direction by my oldest SD. As I've said over and over, the youngest is very sweet and we get along. Go figure. I'm glad I at least have one who cares for me.

In my readings of the posts here, it appears to me that disrespect toward the SM is the primary source of problems.

Lily, from reading your posts, it would appear that your SM either has mental health issues or an agenda, so it is difficult to equate your situation to many of our situations.

Wow ... ask a question, get my head bit off.

Southern, my intent with that question was not to paint myself as the victim or to vilify stepmothers. It was an effort to point out that NO ONE truly understands the other side of any situation unless they walk in those shoes.

"To Lily, TOS, KK, and anyone who hasn't been in
the shoes of a step-parent, it is not easy."

Of course it's not easy. I never said it was. I was just trying to point out that it's not easy for stepchildren either and that sometimes stepchildren have legitimate reasons for acting the way the do. I have NEVER said it is proper to children (step or otherwise) to be disrespectful, conniving or deceitful to their parents, step or otherwise.

"You indicate that this is all your stepmother's fault, but
I think there is a lot more to it than that. You indicate that your stepmother is mentally ill, but I hold your father responsible, and I think there's more that we don't know."

Of course there's more to it than that. I freely admit (and have profusely apologized for) my many mistakes, errors and missteps in trying to forge this new family. It is my father's responsibility that we do not have a relationship, not my stepmother's. And there's always more to any relationship, especially a broken one, than any side knows. That was partly the reason for my original question.

But honestly, southernsummer, it's the breathtaking cruelty of your one little statement that I find illuminating.

"I could tell Lily all about my parents who are healthy and married 53 years. And my mother who has survived breast cancer and a relapse, because she took good care of herself, and got regular checkups."

So my mother is dead because she didn't get regular checkups and didn't take good care of herself?

I don't deserve that. My mother is dead DESPITE taking good care of herself and getting regular checkups. Breast cancer AND death can happen to anyone, regardless of whether they do everything right.

My stepmother has made casually cruel statements like that to me over the years. I guess I ought to be used to it.

Lily,

As I've posted previously your situation is very similar to mine. You are not an isolated case. Personally I've found your posts refreshing and directed toward trying to identify the problems and look for solutions.

I hope you won't take the post from Southern Summer at 9:14 to heart. The following comment in that post is disturbing....

"This is about hurting stepmothers because it feels good to you to punish us, because you don't have the guts or the opportunity to really punish the people who have hurt you."

Lily, I certainly don't have any desire to punish stepmothers and don't think you do either.

But Lily--

That's my point. Why would I want to be giving you advice?
I have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes.
Except for the fact that my mother has had cancer for
15 years.

Why is my statement cruel, and so many other statements like
"remember the second marriage divorce rate", or "don't you think you are to blame", or "Karma", or "Stepmothers think they are perfect", etc etc etc....why are they not cruel?
Why is it okay to blame us for everything? Why are those statements okay?

You know that there was no way to answer your question, without being criticized for it, and I'm used to that, too.
Just serve it up, and someone is going to knock it out of the park.

Is it my fault that you have a step-mother?
Is she on this site trying to learn how to relate to you?
Is she on this site making herself vulnerable to hurtful comments? No. But we are here, at least trying.

Lily, I didn't take Southern's remark the way you did, though I had forgotten that your mother died from breast ca. I knew she had passed away from cancer, just didn't remember it began in the breast.

I took Southern's comment to be directed at a different set of posters who bring up irrelevant, specific things that the homewreckers in their lives have done - and seem to hold those things against all SMs. I thought her point was just that she doesn't go on and on about unrelated topics.

To answer your questions, I have to be honest. Like most who have posted, I, too, had the vision of one big happy family. I blame the ex in our case for her lies and poison, but also my DH for failing to do his best to instill respect for me from his children. Our marriage counselor said that I should really only blame the kids as they are now adult, but I still hold DH largely responsible. If I saw him trying to get them to step up, it would be a different story.

I also came here for support when DH was NOT a united front in the more recent issue w/ his DD who was living w/ us. Again, I'm not so sure it was her fault as it came out that he was basically lying to both of us - told her, 'stay as long as you want' but told me, 'she needs to be here about 3 mos.' That wasn't fair. And, honestly, if we hadn't had the bad blood from way back when, I'm sure I would have been more comfortable w/ the whole thing. If she had pitched in instead of viewing herself as a houseguest, I'd have been better w/ it. But, I couldn't get beyond the obvious disruption to the boys' bedtime routines, etc. I never asked one thing of my skids - as teens or now. I was always much harder on my DNs about cleaning up a mess and my own sons, though very young. Furthermore, part of my issues stemmed from the fact that I believed DH should have been disciplining his children much like I disciplined my DNs. I wouldn't be the 'boss' who treated her own kids better than the avg. employee. In fact, I'd bend over backwards to be sure they were pulling their weight. DH didn't do this in our home or in our office (when SS was supposed to be working for us.)

My other problem is that I 'want to believe' everyone would be as courteous in my home as I would be in theirs. It is definitely not the case. Not just w/ the skids, but w/ people, in general.

I have NO issues w/ reminders of DH's prior life - honestly.

I do, however, have to admit that I would undoubtedly love and enjoy having my sons live at home after college. That being said, the circumstances would be far different as I wouldn't have youngsters in the house that I was worried about getting to bed.

So, to be brutally honest, I would treat my own children differently. I never had a comfort zone w/ my skids in my house. I don't know if it was from the early days w/ how they treated me/my DNs/my parents, from the messes they left - w/o fail - and apparently continue to leave, or the fact that I'm just unassertive, a pleaser, who runs herself ragged and doesn't feel appreciated for any of her efforts! Yes, my fault - but a little validation would go a long way.

If my own sons did the boomerang thing, it would be far different. I would expect some common courtesy - and demand it if it wasn't there. I would be able to say, "The Maid Has Quit" or the "Cook", the "Drycleaner" etc. if I was being taken advantage of. I wasn't ever comfortable mentioning any of the things my Skids have done that annoyed me (esp. the SD who lived w/ us recently) - just quietly cleaned up afterwards, and brooded about it. W/ my own kids, I'd have a different level of comfort and their unconditional love, which I believe, would create a different dynamic. I lived at home after dental school and it was easy - we all got along great, I paid the bills, raised my DNephews, cleaned the house in exchange for a rent free situation.

Anyway, I do feel your pain. I also agree that maybe if your dad had just put his foot down immediately, it could have made or broken this whole mess a long time ago.

I wish you well, Lily. I appreciate your side of this coin.

Dana

Although I'm not Lily, I'm going to answer these questions

Is it my fault that you have a step-mother? NO **Is it Lily's fault you are a stepmother??

Is she on this site trying to learn how to relate to you? **No, are your Steps on this site trying to learn how to relate to you?

Is she on this site making herself vulnerable to hurtful comments? No. But we are here, at least trying. NO** Are your Steps on this site making themselves vulenerable to hurtful comments???

I want to point out that Lily posted a new topic a while back called "Ask an Adult Stepchild" Do we have a post called "Adult Stepchild ask a Stepmother"

Lily has never sided with Steps just because they are steps..she's tried to dig deeper into the dynamics of the bigger picture..

i'm not a stepmom but dating someone for 2 years with a 9 year old daughter.

To be honest the first year I did start resenting his child, becuase when it came to her she could do no wrong, she was rude to her father, her grandfather, me and they all did nothing becuase she was a child and they didnt want to upset her. I ending up breaking up with him because of the resentment I started feeling towards his daughter and it was never her fault.

When I took a step back I realized that my issue was never with her, my issue was her father who expected me to discipline a child that I had no right to discipline and would sit back and do nothing when she disrespected me, or anyone else for that matter.

He's now started to become more firm with her in certain regards but time will tell i guess. The funny thing is now his daughter talks to me with more respect than her father because she knows i dont put up with it.

For example wiht her father she whines like nobody's business...the first time she started whining with me all i said to her was that i couldnt understand her when she whined and she stopped....that easy I think shes a great kid but I think if more fathers would step up to the plate ans start discipling their kids instead of expecting the exwife, the girlfriend or current wife to do it...i think things would be different.
He didnt want to upset her (are all men this naive?)

Hi Lily,

My impression is that everyone appreciates your opinions and I think many feel a good deal of empathy for you over losing your Mom and later gaining a nutty SM. I know that I feel that way.

This is a hot topic but several SM's did respond with answers to your questions. Southern was the first to respond with a very detailed post.

Then, watch what happened. After three very detailed posts by different SM's, a non SM jumped in. She attacked Laurels4u and then blasted everyone else who had posted to that point by stating:

"I got the impression from these posts that the answer is "no," it is never the stepmother's fault. If she is resentful, it is the result of the actions of the children, their father, or their mother."

Then everything went to hell on the board. Of course!

All true.

And if we as previously divorced step-mothers were really to dig down deep and admit our most personal deepest fear--it is that we desperately don't want to fail at another marriage.

So, who is going to be the next one to pour salt in that
vulnerability?

At least we got back on that horse and tried again, rather than just wallow in self-pity and criticize others for trying.

If I were perfect, I wouldn't be looking for help.

Southern

"I am not as needy as I was 8 years ago, and my need for a family is not as great. I really wanted to please my husband in this regard, but we have grown accustomed to having our family plus his family, and his children are more like in-laws than step-children."

I dont think I define any relationships, but I think that is a good analogy, especially when you come into a marriage with older children. In-laws are people you typically meet and certainly form a relationship when everyone is older, and the relationship is based upon a marriage.

PS -- As to your helping me keep a husband, that is why I percieve as arrogance. I look good enough that many men do ask me out, but my X wanted me to look 20 yers younger. Cant do. He left me for looks. Tos's left for a wealthier woman. I dont think you should blame it on me (or her).

As to first marriages having a high rate of divorce, yes, but seconds are even higher. That is why the arrogance of some SMs to Xs is humorous to me.

I'm not blaming anyone.

I just avoid giving you advice, when I am not in your situation.

You are quick to form opinions all the time, and you have never been in my situation.

I think you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

Thank you again for that comment about second marriages. That really helps, and your timing is perfect, since I was sure that you couldn't resist mentioning it again after my last post.

It was actually in response to an earlier post. And it is not meant to be rubbing salt in -- it is responding to what comes across to me as this holier than thou -- oh I am married and your not. Frankly I doubt I will ever get married, and it doesnt bother me.

MMM..i have my skids EOW and these are interesting questions. I also was a stepchild (but due to my mothers death and my father remarrying) So i've been on both fences..
My answers are as follows:

As a stepmother, do you ever hold your stepchildren to a higher standard than you do your own children?
I do not hold my stepkids higher in standard for the mere fact i did not give birth to them and do not and will never have that 'biomom' connection they have with their mom. My stepmom didnt put me above her kids and i will not put my skids above my child either.
The key question here is whether i would put them beneath. The answer is : No. I respect them and care for them because they are my husbands flesh and blood and they are human and i've been where they have been. Being a stepchild doesnt mean you are selfcentered and selfish. That has to do with the raising done by their mother and father and the company they hold as people. I will not put them beneath my child but depending on the circumstance i believe its their fathers and mothers job to do certain things for them.
like: 1. open a bank account

2. save money for their school
3. buy them clothes when needed
   etc..etc..

Do you expect your SKids to be self-sufficient and stand on their own the second they turn 18, yet have adult children who turn to you when they need support or comfort?

I expect all of them to be selfsufficient and not be moochers! I will help all of them in the best way i can. I will take my sons care first and my husband can take his kids interests. I will only help if they are sincere and need the help. Same goes with my son...he must need the help with sincerity..i do not like being used by anyone..including my son or husband or anyone.

Do you ever (be honest now) feel as if the stepchildren coming for a visit are "intruding" upon your happy life with you and your husband?

No i dont feel they are intruding at all. I accept that they come over every second weekend to see their father. Its their right. Who am i to disagree or be unhappy for that. Unfortunately its my husband who feels they intrude! Yes ! shocker to me as well! i've noticed his behaviour is irate and just plain sour when they are over. He sees them as a reminder of his failed marriage. and what he lost materialistically.

Do you ever take out your feelings of jealousy or anger over your husband's ex upon your stepchildren?

I do not feel jealous of his ex. She's a piece of work and her undoing with her actions will be reflected in her kids. Unfortunate but the damage is already done. Anger...i used to feel angry at her but now i just feel its a waste of energy on my part and she doesnt' deserve the attention.
Did i ever take my anger out on the kids? NO WAY ! Respect is the key. It is not right to take out your anger on any child. These kids have suffered enough because of the action of both their parents..they do not need my emotions to burden them.

Do you ever wish your ex doesn't have anyone to remind him of his past life with another woman?

No i wouldn't wish that. The accumulation of your past makes you the person you are today. We all make mistakes...we learn..hopefully:) Having kids from another marriage is just proof to me that they did love one another and that people changed..that's all.

I guess my final question is, do you think that you do anything to contribute to the negative interactions you have with your stepchildren?

Nope...because i give respect and demand it as well from anyone around me. If they dont give it to me, the door is open. Or i shut them out of my mind completely. Difficult to do but possible.
I mind my business when it comes to my husbands issues with his daughter. I will give my opinion when asked but other than that...its between them and i want nothign to do with it!
Lately i noticed an anger building in both skids. It has alot to do with them seeing what i do for my son...and what both their parents do not do for them. I cannot change that...i keep certain things discreet as best as i can so not to rub in salt into their open wounds but as i said before their parents are responsible. I cannot step in and take over. What i do for my child surpasses them because of my upbringing and culture. I save $ for my child , i keep him well clothed and happy. I always think of him. I also think of my skids but must keep it at bay to not insult biomom as well. Its out of respect. If she wishes to raise her children in a certain manner it is her right to do so and i will not interfere.

I didnt respond to this post at first because my children are young however to be brutally honest with myself

1. I do not hold my schildren to a higher standard than my own. If anything, I hold my daughter to a higher standard than they. Only because there are things that I can not control with them. To me, school is the most important thing making d's is unacceptable.... to them they let it go. A's and B's will be what is required for my daughter to be in ANY extra activities. I will admit I am probably harder on them when they are mean to my daughter than when the boys are mean to each other for instance... but I recognize that and take a two breathe policy before I say anything

2. I dont think any child is fully self sufficient at 18 and whether it be my own child or my steps... when they turn 18 it will be a judgement call they may go off to college or get a job circumstances will determine if they are in my home or not

3. I welcomed my skids into my home with open arms... However, I have been around kids my entire life so it was not a question whether or not I would assert my authority and therefore allow things to run more smoothly..i think part of the problems is sms allow themselves to be walked all over whenever there steps are in their home and thereby come to resent the visit. I am the type of person that has no problem what so ever 'getting on to' a child that I do not know and do not know the parents... there have been secret moments when things have been terrible and I have been pushed over the edge when the thought crosses my mind that I wonder what it would be like with just me and DH. But in the end I love them and wouldnt have it any other way.

4. I wouldnt say that I take my feelings about the ex out on the kids but I do act differently. I am so uncomfortable around her because of her issues with me that I tend to fade into the backround which sometimes has bugged the kids because they have come up to me and asked why am I not coming to play like I usually do... I for the most part make a concious effort not let her effect me So that I am the same person with the kids wether she is around or not but it is hard.

5. I already answered this but every parent if they are honest wished every once in a while that the kids werent around even if they are bio. But, the only honest and true hang up I have is that there is no option to have a child with me and DH b/c he got snipped. I sometimes resent the fact that we cant have that bond as well and that by doing this I gave up any chance to have anymore children of my own... But then when I think about that I think that hey well...I got three more and no wear and tear on the body.
The kids dont bother me as a reminder of the past ... what bothers me is when he lets her get to him... that bugs me more than anything... stop caring about what she does stop letting it get to you.

Girlfriendnervous -- Yes, in my opinion, nearly all men are like that. My mom used to say that dad always wanted to be the good guy and she had to be the bad guy. He didn't like confrontation then and he still doesn't, hence the situation with my SM and all of her stepchildren (and two of her bio kids as well.)

Southern -- I was completely OK with most of what you had to say, but I find it amazing that you can't figure out how offensive and hurtful your statement was: "I could tell Lily all about my parents who are healthy and married 53 years. And my mother who has survived breast cancer and a relapse, because she took good care of herself, and got regular checkups."

That statement was cruel and uncalled for. What it said, to me, is: "I could tell you about my parents, who are still married at 53 years because my mother was able to fight and win against her breast cancer, while your mother obviously didn't take good enough care of herself and didn't get regular checkups, so she died."

You may not have meant it to read like that, but that's how it came across.

This type of situation is exactly why stepmothers and adult stepchildren have such difficulties. A careless remark like that is open to misinterpretation and can cause a ripple effect through relationships.

As an example, my stepmother moved into my parents' house about a year after my mother died. My sister spent two months after mom's death cleaning the house, but dad didn't do much beyond basic housekeeping.
A week after my stepmother moved in, I called my dad's house and talked to my SM for a while.
During the course of the conversation, she said, "I'm exhausted. This place is such a pig sty. I've been cleaning nonstop for days."
I replied that dad wasn't too good with housework but I was sure he appreciated her efforts.
Her reply, "Well some of this dirt is inches thick. This house is just full of junk. I can't wait to get my own stuff in here and class the place up."

She couldn't understand why I was offended by that statement. And I said things that, I later learned, offended and hurt her. I didn't realize at the time and later apologized when I was finally told of them.

My point with this post is to point out that even well-meaning people, people who want a happy marriage and a happy family, have trouble negotiating relationships with other adults in a family situation. On this board, I read a lot about the missteps of stepchildren, who quite rightly bear the burden of those mistakes and ought to take responsibility for them.

I appreciate it when a SM admits to the sometimes conflicted feelings that forming a stepfamily brings. I find it refreshing to read a post that says, "Sometimes I resent my stepdaughter" instead of, "I've never done anything to make my stepchildren not like me."

The truth is, we all do things that make people resent or not like us. The point is to own that behavior.

It is interesting that if a SM says something, it is "advice," but if someone else does, it is an "attack."

southernsummer,

Unless you have been with your current husband for more than 25 years, which I doubt because if I read it right, it is closer to 8 years, you most certainly are not in a position to give either kkny or me advice on how to keep a husband. I believe that kkny was married even longer than I was.

It is interesting that you mentioned the fear of having another marriage end. Disengaging from your stepchildren may work for you, but disengaging from one's marriage is rarely a good thing.

Choosing not to remarry, especially when there are children involved, is not an act of cowardness, but an intelligent, reasoned decision. Too many people choose to remarry for financial or emotional security, sometimes over and over again. How many times would you chose to get back on that horse? My rather weird uncle married nine times - at what point does it become crazy to keep doing the same thing over and over?

lilysuzanne,

I am sorry that you had to read that horribly insensitive statement made by southernsummer. One would hope that medical school would instill in their students a bit more sensitivity than that, especially when dealing with medical issues.

TOS only chooses to acknowledge what she wants to and ignores the rest because if she would've paid full attention to my response and the very last line of the paragraph in which I stated my expectations, she would've realized that my DH doesn't want any more babies, but yet he sees no problem with either himself or I catering to his son's every whim, wish, and desire. And I have a major problem with that since DH, BM, and the grandparents have enabled the boy to become so bloody lazy and incompetent. Regardless of the rate of development or maturity, there is no excuse for downright laziness.

How about I send him on over to your house so you can kowtow to Precious?

What does his not wanting any more children have to do with how he raises the one he has?

Send him over. I would be happy to have more children.