Step-Mother to 3 grown daughters and its killing me

17 years ago

Hello everyone I am new to this board and to me I have big problems. So this may be a long post.

I am a mother of 2 boys from a previous 13yr marriage, and I am now married to a wonderful man(I think?) Who has 3 grown daughters 23,22,20. He was married for 21 years to his first wife. He is also a grandfather to 4 wonderful little girls, who I love as if they could be my own grandchildren. He is 10 years older then me and we will soon be married for 4 years. So here are my issues.

When I met my husband 4+yrs ago I was living in another state with my sons about 400 miles from his home state.

His youngest daughter who had just turned 17 had just found out she was pregnant and he is very close to this daughter and we talked about the option of me moving to his state so he would not have to leave b/c of his daughter and first grandchild. (He had already started making the move to my state b/c my kids are young and didnt need to have to move)

Well anyway I made the move with my sons. Well its been pretty much a nightmare since I moved here. His children are totally out of control. I love his children b/c they are a part of him, so to love him it makes it so much easier to love his children. My husband just dosent seem to care about the things his children do and how it is affecting his granddaughters. His youngest child was living with her boyfriend and his family and the father of her boyfriend was masterbating in the house (and not behind closed doors) to porn movies, with 2 little girls and 2 little boys running around in the house. The middle daughter opens my mail if it goes to the wrong address. The last one being a check from Tricare Ins.(husband retired military). It took me months to get the check back not so much for the money, but more to make sure my mail didnt not go to his ex-wifes house anymore. Then the daughter who was living with the boyfriend whos father masterbates for all the house to see, decided she needed to have a girlfriend live with her and her boyfriend at the house with the old guy masterbating, and 4 small kids running around the house and a 13yr old girl too. Then there is the oldest daughter who is addicted to pain pills. She has 2 children had one in May that only weight 3 lbs and 12oz. My husband borrowed her van to take out of state cause we had to pick up my boys from their father and we had to bring his mom back to town. Well the van broke down when we had it out of state and we were stuck for almost a week. It was the alternator on the van that went out, and the battery had to be replaced as well. So we had all this fixed in order to go home. My husband and I agreed to pay half of the labor charges due to the fact we had the van out of state(We left her my car to have while we had her van)and we felt she should be responsible for all the other repairs. We dont want all the money up front, but we do need it back. She keeps saying she is gonna pay it, but still has not made any attempt to do so. She was gonna give us money one weekend at a family cookout, but we found out that she took the money and bought pain pills from her sister with the money. This daughter lives in a trailer park with her husband and her mother lives beside her in a trailer as well with her sister and 2 kisa, and the middle daughter, and we found out all of them the mother,her sister,daughters and son-in-law are all addicted to pain pills. I could care less if my husbands ex is addicted to pills or anything else, my concerns are my step-daughter and her children, and the grandchildren who have to go around husbands ex who may be high at the time. Here is the issue My husband just lets it all roll of his back like its no big deal. Im not sure what he can do if anything, I just know if it was my kids who are 15 and 11 I would be in there face over all this drama. Any ideas how to handle this kind of bull. And am I wrong for feeling that my husband needs to be some what more concerned about the situation with his children and GC. OH and all this stuff has been going on since May of this year, there is always something going on with them. These are just to name a few.

So sorry this was so long......I just really needed to vent and get some advice on this situation.

Thanks for Listening

Kasey

And my husband has to pay 1,200 per month to the ex for alimony and it bothers me that she is probley buying pills with the money and Im sure she gives them to her daughter.

Comments (10)

sweeby
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What A Mess...

Your husband sounds like a very sweet man, but there is such a thing as too much tolerance - way too much. For your husband to be able to calmly put up with that kind of rampant addiction, teen pregnancies, chaos and lack of appropriate parental behavior and financial responsibility from his daughters? That's a problem. His daughters are living that way. His grandchildren are growing up that way. And everyone seems to think this is OK?...

And guess what Kasey -- Your sons are seeing it too. Your adolescent sons are growing up believing this is OK and at least semi-normal. At their present ages, you still have some influence over what they see and how they perceive their world. For just a little while longer, you have a critical influence. Use it! Because you will lose that influence within a few years, and those boys may well decide that it's 'cool' to party all the time in a trailer with porn movies.

You need to take some decisive action to protect your own children. Don't try to save the whole sinking ship or you'll all go under. But be a responsible mother first, and get your own kids to a safe and healthy environment. Then help your husband and his daughters if you can. But take care of your sons first. They need you.
chloemichelle
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Kasey, you say his kids are...'grown'. There is nothing either he can or you can do about their life choices. Protect your children from his. Love his children from a distance but be sure that the more you meddle or try to change them the worse the entire situation will get. Be there to show your Grandchildren a different lifestyle and be there for them if the state ever gets involved so that you can take them. Be greatful his children, are not your children. Be greatful that he gets another chance at being a good parent and affecting your children in a positive way. The money, you can kiss goodbye. Chalk it up to a very expensive lesson, don't borrow their stuff anymore you will be stuck with the bill. The money to the ex, also something that you knew when you married him. What she does with it, completely irrelavant. Maybe she is blowing it on drugs, sad for her, but not your problem, the best thing you can do is to live your life to the fullest and not be concerned with that money. I have a step child that her father and I are not very proud of either and she is pregnant, but her choices are her choices because she is an adult. My husband is truely greatful to get another chance with my daughter and he has used it to become a marvelous influence. Learn to let go, accept you cannot influence them at this point. Good Luck
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I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. 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He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. 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kasey9195
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My concerns are the grandkids growing up with these people as roll models. The issues I posted above are just the ones we have had since May of this year. It has been going on for over 4 years. They bring the problems to us! I love his kids but I do not contact them b/c the drama drives me crazy. I try to let him handle them, but at some point enough is enough. My husband just dosent seem to see that. In my opinion if they as adults are gonna bring the problems to him then they deal with what he has to say.(Not that he really says much). I guess I just dont get it some of the things they do blows my mind and wonder why they are the way they are and my husband just turns and looks the other way. I guess this is jut normal for his kids and it dosent bother him. Is it not normal to have some anger & frustration toward you kids when they act this way as adults?

As for the ex's money that my husband gives her!!! Yes I knew it when I married him. That dosent make it any easier when it was my husband who pulled 20 yrs in the Army and to know that his retirement money goes to that. Then when she spends all of it she comes back asking for more.

My kids are my main concern. I do not allow them to be subjected to the SD's that much. I will not have my kids acting that way. Once they are grown and out of my home I know I have no control,but as long as they are in my house they will not act that way or lead to belive the way the Girls act is ok.
chloemichelle
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
So what do you expect him to do about it? force them to comply to his wishes? Stop talking to them? I don't understand what your expectations of him are.

I do understand that it is money your husband gives her, that she was ENTITLED to for being married to him for 20+ years. Regardless of whether she was a great partner/mother they were together a long time. Their have been sacrifices on both sides of the fence, maybe not equal but there have been. We pay alimony too, and I am just grateful that I have him, the 1000.00 we pay a month is well worth me having him and not her. I look at it as my monthly membership to a wonderful man, he could have saved that money and stayed but he didn't. He choose a better life, and I accepted it when we married. Your husbands ex can ask all she wants his obligation ends at 1200.00, if he entertains giving her extra money then that is something you can address.
kasey9195
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
WOW Chloemichelle didnt mean to hit a nerve with you. You seem so angry. I looked back over my post and never once said he needed to stop talking to his children. My expectations of him are to not be taking advantage of and that does include by his children. I have not posted every little thing that has went on in the last 4 years. Thats just the last few months. I was raised to not treat my parents the way these 3 girls treat their father. When I see this man sit down and cry because they are driving him crazy. Thats when I get pissed off. I married this man because I loved him and wanted to be with him so to see him HURT is very hard for me. I dont see the money my husband gives his ex as a membership fee at all. And trust me not all ex's be it the husband or the wife are ENTITLED to alimony. I made many sacrifices in my first marriage as well, but I sure dont expect my ex to support me for the rest of my life and he is an attorney. Again I did know she was getting the money when I married him and dont really have a problem with it but I sure dont want her to take that money that my husband worked for and continue to support their daughters drug habit. Which is what she does she buys the pain pills she is addicted to for her daughter b/c she cant afford it. The money was to help his ex get on her feet after the divorce and be able to take care of herself. Half of her alimony will stop soon, cause she only gets it for so many years.
chloemichelle
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Gosh, I am so sorry, I did not mean to seem angry. I do often get mistaken for that, I am just a very blunt person. My apologies. I do understand though, I love my husband very much and his oldest is horrible to him, or was I should say. He did wise up, it only took him 21 years. I watched him cry, it tore me up. But he had to learn on his own. I put my two sense in, never told him, "I told you so", just held him when he was down. And then gently reminded him of the pain from that last time he tried to help her and she stabbed him in the back. I wish you all the best. I am very glad for you that the ex's alimony will be halved soon. But remember that will just increase the requests for more from her and increase her crazy actions because her drug money is cut in half. Be strong, stay strong. I really do wish you the best, and I sincerely apologize for my strong response.
kasey9195
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Its ok Chloemichelle. I am also a very blunt person and that is what makes this so hard, I try not to be to harsh with anyone on here cause I know they are going through alot. I hope all will work out in the end with my husband and sd. Things just never come to an end with these girls. I do have hope. I just dont understand when my husband will see that enough is enough and just be straight out with them. Right now having to deal with sd being abusive toward her 7yr. old sd and trying to get my husband to do something before I do. He has till 2:00pm today he is meeting with sd if nothing is done then I am stepping in. Dont worry about being blunt, just didnt want to bother anyone or be a pain in the butt. lol
sandstone
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Kasey, when I first met my husband I had much the same problem but it was with his ex being addicted to drugs. He would insist the kids go for visitation on weekends so he could have a break. Then on one day I went to drop them off and the middle girl Kaley grabbed the edge of my car and began sobbing she told me "Please don't make us go, we'll stay home alone so you and Dad can go out, just don't make us go in there!" Now I have always been one for the underdog so I did the only thing my heart would allow I took them back home and told my soon to be husband that I would not stand by while these children were treated as objects by him and his ex. Children are not our right they are a gift. It took much research on my part showing my husband the negative scars that this situation could cause on growing children. That is what I urge you to do, get all the research you can on children from drug addicted homes... all of the negatives, behavioral disorders, abusive actions, all of the ugly truths and show it to your husband. He sound like a very good man and when confronted with this information may realize the position his grandchildren are in... If they are in immediate danger I would contact CPS and let them handle it.
kasey9195
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The problems do sound alike. It is the ex addicted to drugs as well as the sd. The ex buys the pills for the sd b/c she cant afford them. They live in a trailer park right beside each other. My husbands ex always said to her girls. "I smoked at 15 so you can too" that is how she was with everything my husband says. Unlike most parents who say "Dont do as I do, Do as I say". I would never tell my kids well I did it so you can do it too. She was married at 15 and had her first kid by 16 and all 3 by 19. She was smoking pot with her 17yr. old in the garage, and didnt teach them that sleeping around will get you in trouble, one of the sd has a child and does not know who the father is. She has a few ideas,but she still is not real sure. I dont know how to help my husband see that this is and was not the way to raise 3 girls and that has alot to do with why they are the way they are.
jasminesmom
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Kasey and ChloeMichelle. I'm glad you both wrote in. It helps to hear others thoughts. I have a 'grown' stepdaughter as well. She's 25 and has a 7 yr old son and a 19 month old daughter by 2 dif. dads. She's not married but living with the father of the 2nd child. The 1st child's father beat her and she never filed a report so she doesn't want to fight for child support b/c he might want to get custody and she doesn't want to chance that. She's just like her mother - - - very rude, abrupt, unfriendly, hateful, etc. The guy she's with now is totally supporting her and both kids. she stays home. She's tried school about 4 dif. times now and has decided not to go back this year. As far as I hear from my grandson, she doesn't cook much, I know she doesn't clean much. If this guy dumps her she has no way to support both kids on her own. My grandson has come to visit and told us he knows what 'the weed' is, that he can smoke when he's an adult. His mother even told us she took him to get his hair cut in a mohawk (he wanted one b/c his uncle's got one) and he 'chickened out'. A mohawk on a 7 hr old - yep, that'll get him in the right group of friends. :( I'm with Chloemichelle - what do I think I can do about it? Not a thing. I'm with you Kasey on the fact that it is as frustrating as anything I've ever dealt with before. I didn't have kids of my own. I want so much to have a positive effect on the grandkids AND the stepkids (I also have a 21 yr old stepson that has caused some issues but not near as many as the 25 yr old!). I keep telling myself to be here for the grandkids and show them a different side and then hope and pray that they turn out differently. I can't keep my husband from spending time with the kids but it is so unpleasant sometimes b/c they don't really talk to me or act like I'm not there. I put up with it b/c I want to spend time with the grandkids. I've been married to him for 10 yrs so I'm somewhere in the middle of where it sounds like you guys are. I don't THINK I have the drug issue to deal with and am very thankful. Keep your chin up and be as positive an influence as is possible for your grandkids. We're the ones that maybe can make all the difference.

Step-Mother to 3 grown daughters and its killing me

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