'The wicked stepmother????'

17 years ago

My husband and I have been married for 4 years - dated 4 1/2 years before that. My husband has two sons (24 and 15) I have a daughter 11 who lives with us. My husbands ex is the devil herself so you can imagine how she raises her children. It has been a constant battle for my husband and his ex. He is the most wonderful man! His 24 year old is his - his 15 year old is not. His ex had an affair when he was in Desert Storm - got pregnant. My husband let her stay because of his first son being so small and not wanting to be away from him. He agreed to be a father to her new son only if she promised not to ever tell him that he was not his bio father and to never let the bio father in his "sons" life. She agreed and a couple of years later told my husband the other man was dead. They stayed married for total of 13 years, she continued to have affairs and my husband chose to ignore - just so he could stay with his boys. After we were married - things got really bad every other weekend. My stepson started stealing from me and my child (total of $400-$500) stole cd's and DVD's from our home and of course lied (till this day) about all of it...even though he was caught. The ex was calling our home all the time and making my husband miserable (my husband NEVER put their mom down). Then my husband found out she had his son in contact with his bio father (came back from dead) and he was seeing him and my stepson was calling him "dad". Things got even worse since then. The son denied all this to his father (even when my husband cried and begged him to tell him the truth). Things blew over in time and my husband chose to sweep under the rug. Then about 7 months ago, my SS threatened my daughter and me - poisoning and slitting of throat(looking me in the eye while holding a steak knife and said he could really do some damage-he was 14 at this time). Of course he denied this to my husband - but my husband knew I was not lying. Not to mention him shooting me a bird a couple of times. This was it for me...I set down with my husband and told him I was done. When I was so afraid that I had to sleep with my daughter when he came to visit - well that was just not fair to me and her. He told his son that until he would agree to get family counsiling with us and for himself - he could not come back. He was to apologize (genuinely) to me and my child. This all happened in June of 06 - he called once in August (thought everything had blown over) his mom had something to do but of course his apology was not sincere. Of course his moms remarks were "he is just a boy". Then 3 months later (she wanted to go out of town) he called and told me he was sorry. I told him that was a start but he can't wait until he is being MADE to come out and me think that was a genuine apology. We told him he could not come out but we could pick him up for lunch that weekend and talk- he refused. I love my husband so much and my daughter loves him like a father (she has her father in her life as well and her stepmom - we all get along). I do not feel guilty because I have tried for 4+ years with his children. At this point my husband continues to pay $700 a month (has NEVER missed a payment) - even though his bio father is obviously somewhere around. I know this young man is headed for prison, but his mother blames everyone else (so does the son) for his behavior. I do not know what else to do, we are a family with the three of us, my husband and I have not had an arguement in 7 months, since my SS has not visited. My SS would stand up in my face and yell at me, he would give me that "evil" eye when no one was looking then turn around when his dad entered the room and try and hug me and say "oh my stepmom" - I am not two-faced and eventually pushed him away and told him do not give me an evil look then turn around and act like you love me!! He is VERY sneaky and in all our eyes (including my husbands family). In the end I did not give my husband an ultimatum - I was going to leave and not come in between he and his son, because I could not imagine giving up my daughter (although my daughter is NOTING like that)but my husband did not want that - he finally admitted there was a BIG problem. His oldest son still lives with his mom - and there is little chance of a relationship between he and his father -unless he moves out. My husband has spoke with a lawyer about fighting child support-because he knows he is not being done right and his son has no desire to help work on the relationship...he believes that if he is having a "somewhat" relationship with his bio father then that is where the support should come from. My husband has put up with SO much from this situation and he has been deceived by his ex, his oldest son and his youngest son. This man should not go through anymore hell...but ex still continues to try.

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Comments (10)

sweeby
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What a sad, sad situation... I feel so bad for you, your husband, and even for this poor disturbed boy.

No, it's not fair for your husband to have to pay child support for a child that's not his, conceived when he was off at war. But I do recall hearing that a child conceived during the marriage is legally considered a child of the marriage, even if biology doesn't agree. I imagine there's some provision for having paternity challenged and 'reassigned', but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.

From the child's perspective, how would this already disturbed and angry teen feel if he gets that kind of rejection from his father? Probably one of the only decent people in his life? I'd have to think it would drive him over the edge.

Do you need the $700/month that badly?
coolmama
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby, 700 dollars a month is alot to some people... it's like a mortgage or car payment.

Jenny,I think you should be scared. Do not take threats of your life lightly. I dont care if it was your daughter who made the threats~~threatning physcial violence to me is serious,unacceptable,and a prelude of things to come.

Obviously this boy needs help,but you shouldnt have to endanger yourself and your child because of it.

I have suggested this many times...that if your husband wants a relationship with him,let him have it away from you and your daughter.
My step daughter was doing TERRIBLE things to my daughter who is 6 years younger! My husband talked to her about it several times,when it didnt stop I gave him an ultimatium~~

That she NOT come back into our house again or I take our daughter where she will never be hit again and will be safe!

My step daughter has even been caught hurting the animals.I caught her holding my cat down and smacking him,and her mom told me she was abusing their dog too.
Feeling sorry for someone like this is fine,but does nothing to protect you.
Let your husband meet him somewhere neutral and spend time with him if he wants.BUt if someoone EVER EVER threatened mine or my daughter's life,they wouldnt be coming near us again,and this you can take to the bank!
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jenny_alabama
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yes $700 a month is alot of money when you can't even have a relationship with your kid because of ALL this turmoil...the ex just stands there (litteraly) with her hand out waiting for "her" check...and still has her son in contact with his bio-father!! My husband has done all he can...he is tired of being taken for granted. So at this point he is trying to fight with what dignity and self respect he has left. This kid is where he is going to be...at no fault of my husand and it is sad. I can't trust him around my daughter, neither does my husband...and my husband loves my daughter as his own...she treats him the way his son should. Thanks ladies.... :)
sarahl
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Dear Jenny,
Coolmom has brought up an issue that I think you may want to discuss with your husband. The liability issue of this child. He is in the position of being completely liable for whatever this kid does, and yet has no say so or influence on him. The boy will be driving next year. Can your husband for see him being responsible behind the wheel? Who is going to provide him with a car and insurance? I believe 100% the kid should have a job and earn the privilege and responsibility of a vehicle.
The courts now a days are holding parents liable and accountable for minors. If he has no authority and that kid goes out and truly hurts someone, your husband is going to be in a horrible position. He may seriously want to consider terminating his responsibility on this child.
This child is in contact with his bio father. The man is there influencing this child. Let him step up and be responsible.
If this boy does love your husband, some day he will come back and thank him for all he has done for him, not out of obligation, but because of the love and goodness in his heart. What a wonderful opportunity for that young man. Your husband won't be turning his back on him. He will actually be giving the boy another person in his life, his bio dad. Seems like everyone wins then.
I feel badly for the older son. He is 24 and still at home with the momma. I don't understand why he can't have a relationship with his dad. Sounds more like he won't cross momma. Too bad a 24 year old young man can't make his own decisions. Sounds like both boys have a lot of growing up to do. Somebody better let them do it.
jenny_alabama
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
sarahl, at one time my husband was going to give his son our Honda (I assumed on his 16th BDay)...until one day (before he stopped visiting) he told me his dad was giving it to him for Christmas while he was still 14!! Keep in mind when he told me this he had not visited or returned his dad's phone calls for 3-4 months. Then all of a sudden he appears!! The car is still in my name and knowing how he is - NO, we do not trust him to have this car before 16! I spoke with my husband and of course we agreed that was not wise....well since he could not get it when he wanted....he started his smart comments - again. Since then is when alot of this other stuff started. He told his ex he would not co-sign or as long as this relationship continues the way it is, he would not furnish him a car. His older son almost ruined his credit for co-signing. Well his ex replied: "you signed the birth certificate - you are responsible to buy or give him a car". Well I am not sure what the laws are - but - could she hold my husband responsible to cover him on insurance or furnish him a car? If he does have an accident - someone could sue us for this?? Even though my husband is having no part of providing a car or insurance? According to the his lawyer - there is a 50/50 chance either way to give up responsibility....we do not know exactly how much his bio father comes around...he lives in Wisconsin - we do know he is in contact. So at this point it is up in the air...
sarahl
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Dear Jenny,
I don't see any way your husband could be required by law to provide that child with a vehicle and auto insurance. There are tons of parents in this world who do not have enough money to do that. I was not required to provide my son with a vehicle or insurance. He earned money and bought his own truck and has always paid his own insurance. As far as I know that 'woman' is talking out her you know what.
About the liability of him driving and getting into trouble. If your husband has no visitation or contact with the child right now, he isn't living under your roof, I don't see how the court could make him accountable for the SS's actions. It would be the mother if she allowed him to drive, provided him with a vehicle, with or without insurance to drive. I would ask the lawyer about that one just in case, but don't see that happening. Maybe your secretary of state office could tell you something too.
It is a case of the mother not wanting to be responsible. She obviously isn't willing to buy the kid a car herself huh. Imagine that.
jenny_alabama
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Exactly!! She is very "sue" happy! Thanks for the response...I just not sure how far you can go anymore when it comes to lawsuits...you never know!
sandstone
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It is absolutely ridiculous that she stated it was your husbands responsibility to furnish a car!! It is not a parents responsibility to furnish a vehicle... the basic needs yes... food... shelter... clothing. Tell me in the basic needs where is automobile?
nytefyre
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with sandstone, where on earth is it written that we "owe" a child the privilege of a car? I had to get a job and buy my own. It does sound like your husband is standing beside you. This is the only thing that has helped me last.
jenny_alabama
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
nytefyre....this is true, there are a "few good men out there" :) although she will do everything in her power to pull it off....

'The wicked stepmother????'

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'The wicked stepmother????'

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