Well, a lot of folks are sympathetic to 12 year olds because they are going through that "phase" of learning how to be an adult, and they have all these hormonal issues going on, and perhaps she didn't mean what she said, and blah blah blah. You are NOT wrong, and the bottom line is, she should also be learning how to grow up! I went way overboard on my 11 year old SD, and I know already that she's going to be unhappy because there was something on her list that she didn't get. The fact that your SD brought it up a second time to you shows she has absolutely no remorse for having said what she said, she's conscious of the choice that she made, and now she's going to have to live with it. Don't let guilt drive your decision, if you and DH are in agreement (and that's the real crux of all this), then follow through on your threats. I think that's 1/2 the problem is that parents say one thing and do something completely different. Now, that said, I know it would be very difficult for me to follow through on that one, but the bottom line is, no, I do NOT think you're being too hard on her. Best of luck, and try to enjoy the holiday without SD.

She wants a stereo. Fine. Cut out a picture of the one she wants and put a newspaper next to it with the want ads. She can babysit, clean houses, whatever.

Mikkella -
There is nothing more satisfying to a child in early adolescence than to be able to trigger the adults who run her life into insulting each other, cussing each other out, stomping off in snits, and issuing ultimatums she knows they won't enforce.

From the ease with which she pulled this off, I assume she's in the habit of playing "the wicked stepmother and the man who loves the other kids best" against her mom to get what she wants. She's learning a life strategy that,in the long run, will make her miserable and extremely hard to live with unless you ALL stomp on it.

DH and you have to get with the ex and plan things like gift strategies (splitting the cost of the stereo between you and her, or buying a less expensive one), and point out how the girl is playing you all like a violin.

Gosh.... I hope you manage to have a happy christmas!!

So if she only wants a stereo, buy her just that. If it's over the amount you have set for the kids, buy her a smaller one that you can afford. When she's angry that that's all she got, explain that you spent the same amount on all the kids and that's all she wanted. If she doesn't like the one she got because it's not the one she asked for...too bad. That's what I would do. We never spent a lot on DS.

We never had the money and once we get all the gifts from all the grandparents...the kid has a lot! He's never felt jipped at Christmas and I'm going to make sure he learns that you can't have everything. He did want everything this year it seemed, but we got the nicest things and only what we could afford. He'll be fine. I always hated as a kid when Mom and my step dad would sit us down, tell us they didn't have a lot of money to get us a lot and then Christmas morning it seemed we had more than the year before under the tree. It was so much we didn't even care about all of it and half the time they bought stuff just to say they bought it and we didn't even want or like it. Then for the next 4 months they were complaining about being broke! I won't do that to my kids.

~Leslie~

Mikkella, I agree with you. She acted like a spoiled brat and her BM bought into it. I'm glad you and your husband didn't. I would get her some smaller gifts, whatever you had originally planned for her. If you give in and buy a stereo you can't afford right now, she'll be inwardly smirking at her abilities to get what she wants, and it will only get worse. Remember that her teen years will be here before you know it, and imagine that, can you?

At her age, she is old enough to know what "we can't afford it" means.

Well, neither of us has caved and gotten SD anything. DH says she needs to learn to be greatful for whatever she does get or have, and not throw a tantrum, or play one against the other to get what she wants...which is what she did with the stereo and bio mom. She's coming today for a few hrs, then off to his parents for more gifts, and baking special with Gram (which my kids aren't included) then church...like someone else said, by the time she opens his parents stuff, then my family sent gifts for her as well, she'll end up with alot. NOt to mention her mom's tree, then her other grandmothers tree... it's not like she's ever lacking. She's just selfish and spoiled and needs to get over her bad self.

Well I'm impressed, not only did she come here tonight, but she didn't say a word about having nothing from us. God I can't wait for x-mas to be over with!!!

i'm glad there wasn't a scene for you to deal with on christmas eve! i have a few thoughts for you...

christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of a certain baby, who was sent to give the world a second chance. why? love. so christmas is really about love, whether or not you believe in that baby that was born in bethlehem. that's why we give presents to people we love--to show them that we love them. sure, it's a consumer thing nowadays. but say you'd lived back on the american frontier and had NOTHING to spare but a few scraps of fabric, think of all the time you'd have spent secretly sewing that fabric into dolls or whatever for your children. THAT is the true spirit of christmas, which is why i say you shouldn't cave today or tomorrow, and get her something for christmas anyway.

give her a hug, and tell her you want to bake some cookies--or do any activity you can with her where you have time to talk to her. (if you're doing something, she'll be less likely to leave, but it'll also take some of the direct focus off the difficult things you need to say.) tell her you love her, but that her behavior was unacceptable. set a ground rule now and KEEP IT. tell her that christmas is about love, not about manipulating her birth mother into getting her what she wanted AND doing it in such a way that she just knew her mom would come over and throw it in your face. i bet you made her birth mom mad when you mentioned money because she didn't think about whether she could afford the stereo--she was probably told a version of the story calculated to make her so mad at how her daughter is being "mistreated" that she would act before thinking everything through. i don't think this means your daughter is particularly "bad" or anything, but i do think such behavior is likely to continue now that she's seen that it works. that is why you need to stick to what she said and not get her anything. teach her that she cannot issue ultimatums because SHE is NOT the one in charge here. she is still legally a child, and, well, she's behaving like one.

i think it's very important that you connect these things verbally for her. tell her straight out--but try to do it gently so that she'll listen--that her behavior caused this whole situation, and her behavior is the reason she is not getting anything from you for christmas. she might not care much for the example, but tell her about one of the origins of the myth of santa claus, about the orphanage children in germany (?--i think) who were so happy to find oranges and nuts in their stockings on christmas morning because they were so poor that fresh fruit was a luxury. you need to teach her that kindness and love are the reasons we give presents at christmas, NOT to pacify a selfish little girl who knows how to make trouble. and when she says "well, if you loved me, then you'd give me something," then you say, "it's because i love you that i'm making sure you learn this lesson. you will not be able to get along with others throughout your life until you learn what sorts of behavior are acceptable." the goal is to make her understand that she caused a lot of bad feelings in your family just to get a stupid little stereo. if you do it right, that stereo will give her a sinking feeling every time she looks at it for a long time. you have to make her see that manipulation is not acceptable, nor are ultimatums. it's a hard lesson to teach her, but if you succeed, you'll be very thankful when she's older that she isn't the legendary witch of the family!

also, i think you need to get with birth mother and talk about this if it's at all possible. tell her that you don't like the way the girl manipulated everyone, and that you want to get together and set some ground rules for behavior. she probably won't like hearing you say that her daughter manipulated her, so if you can say it kindly the first time, that would help. but make sure she knows that the girl DID manipulate her. this is not about finances, though it's a good time for both of you to talk to your daughter about that, too. if she's old enough to play you all off against each other, then she's old enough to understand "we can't afford it." you three parents are all going to have to be mature enough to block her when she tries to play you off against one another, and that means making sure that birth mom checks out the stories she hears before she goes out in a rage and does exactly what princess wants. in order to do that, you three will have to be on good speaking terms. it might help to say that you want to do what's best for the daughter in the long run, though it might mean being deprived of a monster stereo in the meantime. she'd have survived a lesser model just fine, and if her attitude had been better, you could have suggested that she could upgrade to a better stereo in a few years.

one last thing--if her behavior improves, you should reward her somehow, but try to do it in a way that doesn't directly involve money. instead of taking her to the mall for a new outfit, tell her she can invite a few friends over for a slumber party--or "movie night" if she's too cool for slumber parties. ;) you'll spot them for movies, brownies and popcorn, and let them have fun. sure, you'll have to flash some cash to pull that off, but in the end, it's more about the activity with the other girls then about what they got. after all, the movie goes back (don't buy her a movie for this!), and they ate the food. oh, and she also gets to help clean up afterward, but try to minimize that, though don't let her get out of it.

sorry this was so long--i'm up with a sore throat and can't sleep! i hope something in there is helpful to you. :)

Parheila,
great post. Hope you feel better.

Hello Parheila - - I'm very impressed and refreshed - - thank you for pointing out what this holiday is all about. It's almost as thought we should create another holiday to celebrate Christ's birth, because this one is a goner. Let's have one holiday to satisfy all of the greed and stress and material needs that we (apparently) have, then a separate holiday to celebrate a special birthday, with the true actions and celebrations that He would have us exhibit. Thank you for your lucid lesson.