Tired of being Full-time Stepmother

16 years ago

I just found this forum... I hope someone out there can help me. After a toxic 1st marriage, I spent the next 10 years as a happy single mother of 1 son. I really enjoyed dating dating my current husband (whose kids did not live with him by the way). We mostly went out when my son was at his dad's for the weekend. Often we'd do things with my son when he was home. Occasionally, we spent time with my son and his 2 kids. This was not often. I ejoyed our situation. Eventually, the "marriage ultimatum" came around. I loved this man and did not want to loose him, so 4 years ago we married. Anyhow, since then things have changed. Now my husband can't seem to breathe without his kids being here. They both now live with us full-time. My SS is 19, my SD is 20. They are both good kids and I love them very much, but neither have much of a social life and are always here. SD is even wanting to work from home. SS is attached to DH at the hip. DH doesnt expect any adult responsibility from kids around the house except "make your bed". My 15 year old son is much more responsible and independent than his older kids. I did not sign on for "The Brady Bunch" but DH has this whole "picket fence" fantasy for our family. I feel so guilty, help...

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Comments (14)

susie53_gw
16 years ago
TALK,TALK,TALK to your husband and kids. Tell them you need help. They certainly should be helping with everyday things... If it doesn't do any good, STOP doing such things as laundry, cleaning up after them, cooking good meals, things that they all expect. As long as you do it, they will let you.. They are adults and they should act like some... Only keep your space clean.. Only do your laundry. Even take the laundry soap to your room. They can furnish their own. Make things hard... Start today.....
kkny
16 years ago
Wow, no one ever said teenagers are easy. Are the step children in college? If not, what are they doing? I think in addition to trying to get DH to work with a fair chore plan, you should talk to him realistically re his childrens future. They may need some type of career assessment (I know our local junior college can help with that).
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Thanks for the advice so far- it is very helpful. Paigect, we had considered moving closer to his kids a year ago, but it is not an option right now because of our jobs. There are also issues with his ex harrassing him (obscene phone calls and the like) and it seems that the stress level for my fiance is lower with him living away from her. I am not clear as to how much the autistic child depends on his father as part of his routine. When he was in my house, the child was very stressed and wanted to leave the whole weekend to go home, although we did everything possible to keep him occupied. Because of this, I believe it is just too disruptive to him to be traveled. He also acted the same way in his grandparents' house for the first few months until he adjusted to the routine there. But, because of the severity of his condition, I do not know if he would even notice the difference between monthly and twice-monthly visits. I don't want to make that assumption having never been exposed to a developmentally disabled child, but it seems to me that an infant would notice her dad gone more than he will. When he was here, his father did most of the caretaking, but because the autistic child needs so much supervision, I ended up taking care of the girl the whole time and cooking all meals for the family, etc. which was hard because I had been working all week and had no down time(my job demands a lot of me during the week). It is true that I have not been as active as I should be with going with my fiance to visit his kids at his parents'. This has been largely due to my pregnancy, but I do agree that after the baby is born I could, and plan to, take a more active role in going up there with him and spending time with the kids. The baby's grandparents will want to see her, regardless, and it is important to me that we are providing them with that opportunity. My fiance is trying to make alternate arrangments with his brother to bring the kids to the brother's house once a month to alleviate the stress on his ill mother. I hope his brother will accomodate this. I feel that it is not only exhausting to the grandma and to me to have him driving so far every weekend, but to my fiance to make this trip twice a month. Once a month would be more managable, and there is no reason why a 13 year old could not take the train here alone (after a practice run with dad). I also agree that he feels a great deal of guilt for the situation his children are in due to having divorced parents and probably overcompensating. Compounding it, is his ex wife not handling the situation very well. She has been living with someone else for longer than we have been together, but seems to be very jealous that her ex is doing fine without her and about to start a family with someone new. I have never met or talked to her and prefer to keep it that way, and my fiance tries to keep a business-type relationship with her. However, she has been feeding information to the daughter that her father will not want to see her and the son anymore once the baby is born, and this has created jealously between the daughter and the baby even though the baby is not born. I can only hope that the daughter will grow out of this or that the jealousy will be smaller once she meets her little sister. I do not know if it is normal behavior for a 13 year old to express such extreme jealousy toward a baby sister (she tells her dad that he is ruining her life by having this baby, that she was happy being the only girl, that she hates the baby). Otherwise, she is well behaved with me and I have enjoyed having her here the 2 times she came to visit. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmother and hope that over time we will, too. The ex wife is sure to be very unhappy if we try to reduce the amount of time he is picking up the autistic son, as she seems to want to go out to bars and party a great deal, and cannot find another babysitter. It seems strange to me that she never wants her kids on the holidays. What she thinks matters very little to me, but the fact that she drags the girl into it makes the situation harder. To me, it is not appropriate to say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child. I believe that my fiance has a certain level of fear that she will try to take the kids away from him (which is ridiculous, he is a wonderful father to those kids and she would have no grounds in court). It is a complicated situation, and I just don't want to be selfish and whiny about it. I understand that there are real challenges associated with marrying a man is divorced with kids from a previous marriage, but I also believe very strongly that my baby deserves a normal life, and I don't want my only baby to miss out on time with her father. Again, I have no idea how much an infant needs her father but I expect that being away from home 2 weekends a month would interfere with their bonding. I can handle a great deal here on my own, and he does work very hard to contribute to this household while he is here, but to be gone so much seems excessive. All of this, I have discussed with my fiance, and he understands, but I can tell he feels a great deal of guilt and I don't want to make him abandon his children. Just the opposite. I just want to make sure I am not out of line for feeling this way because I don't want to make the situation even more unfair for all involved when there are 3 kids this affects. Any more opinions on this, I would really enjoy hearing- and thanks again for the input.
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Finedreams said: "I am so with TOS on this. CPs do not have any excuses: oh I am not going to feed my children today because I don't make enough. they go and get second jobs, borrow money or go into debt. Nobody cares if CPs make enough money. NCPs have a great excuse: oops, can't pay, have no money. I guess they knows CPs would still feed the children. How convenient." I have to agree whole-heartedly on this. My X got laid off in February. He's made a few sporatic CS payments since, but is almost up to $3000 behind in payments. I work full-time and DS and I live with FDH. FDH has had to be the one to make up the differences in my finances. Granted, I feel blessed to have been getting anything at all when he could've just as well decided to not send a dime (he's done that before, too). But it's still a hardship we have been facing and has put FDH in a bind as well. One day X came over to deal with a situation regarding DS. After that was over, we were talking out in the front yard as X was about to leave. DS was inside playing video games so it was just FDH, X and I. X actually had the nerve to say, in front of FDH, "well I haven't been able to send any money because I've had to make sure my bills get paid first". If I was FDH, I would've decked him. Here is the bio-father telling the future step-father that he can't support his own son because he has to make sure his bills are paid, even though FDH is the one taking up the slack. To me, it was a slap in the face to FDH. But when I asked FDH about it later, he said it didn't bother him because he knows how X is. That situatuion just proves the above statement that NCPs have an excuse; no money, no CS. When am I or FDH ever able to make that excuse???? Never. I'd like to see him treat his credit card bill or his motorcycle payment with the same regard as his CS. He'd have them banging down his door. But FDH and I are expected to take it in stride and never ask about it lest we seem "greedy" or "money-hungry". There is a flip side to this also. When the Attorney General called us to mediation because it had been 4 years since the CS had been set and it was time for a modification, X had a fit and picked one fight after another with me. For 3 of the 4 years we had been divorced, he was making at least double the amount he was making when the divorce was finalized. I had no choice but to accept it and go on because, in our state, CS only gets modified every 3 years. So after the new CS amount was set, X told DS that he wasn't going to be able to be involved in DS's sports because he was going to have to have 3 jobs just to be able to make ends meet. Oh puuulease! He never even got a second one. As a matter of fact, he hadn't even been paying the new amount for 6 months before he lost his only job.
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You sound like a very bright and capable young woman. (With a quirky sense of humor - choosing "qwerty97" as your moniker.) I am going to disagree with your header. Your stepmother is not disrespectful, she is abusive. The longer you stay the more damage she will do to you and your brothers. I don't know the situation at your grandparents' but if it is even 1 millimeter better than what you're living with, go there. If you haven't looked into it, I'd also recommend Alateen, which is a nonprofit group devoted to helping children of alcoholic parents. They will help you develop coping strategies for your very difficult situation, because you have multiple challenges. People who grow up with alcoholism and abuse, as you have, often learn ways to "keep the peace" that damage who they are. You can survive this, but it means learning new ways to respond to your challenges. Aside from your grandparents, look for caring adults who can mentor you and provide a new support system - teachers, counselors, pastors, parents of friends - the more people you have in your corner the better off you are.
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weed30 St. Louis
16 years ago
I am not sure if Loner is unhappy because of the chores...it sounds like she is unhappy because there are grown children that are always around rather than having their own social life. Regardless of whose kids they are, that can be really smothering when you want at least some time to be with your spouse and enjoy your marriage.
plasticgarden
16 years ago
I think you just need to take some time alone with your husband~a walk maybe,or out to dinner? Where his "children" wont be able to hear,and tell him the truth.

No matter how upset he gets,just tell him exactly what you've said here: That this isnt what you signed on for.
Maybe even tell him when your own son is their age you would hope he'd be moving soon~or at the every least paying rent and having a life of their own.
No one could hardly blame you for wanting your husband to yourself more.

Is there anyway maybe you could give them some money towards a place of their own? Maybe they could both live together.
kkny
16 years ago
Actually I envy the life you used to live. I would like a weekend off every now and then. If you were still married, the kids would be with you every weekend (Ok, less kids).
theotherside
16 years ago
I can understand how you would want the kids to help clean the house/cook, etc., but I would give my right arm to have my adult children living at home.

When my H was living at home, I never felt any competition between spending time with him and spending time with the kids, but of course there were no step relationships involved. I loved being with all of them.
loner
Original Author
16 years ago
You know, after re-reading my original post, I think my problem is more me than my family. I think that I wasn't 100% on-board for marriage in the first place, and then when the SC moved in with us, it just made me feel even more caged in.
lonepiper
16 years ago
If that's how you feel, then fine. But don't guilt yourself into feeling something you don't, and don't blame something that doesn't deserve the blame. You are feeling very normal feelings and there is nothing wrong with them or with you.

Good luck!!
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
"STOP doing such things as laundry, cleaning up after them, cooking good meals, things that they all expect. As long as you do it, they will let you.. They are adults and they should act like some"

Amen, Sistah!

"DH doesnt expect any adult responsibility from kids around the house except "make your bed"."
"DH has this whole "picket fence" fantasy for our family."

but life isn't a fantasy, & it sounds like you're paying the price for hubs & his kids to enjoy *their* fantasy life.

Unless hubs is paying a maid/housekeeper/cook to take care of things, *you're* the maid/housekeeper/cook.

which is one thing if you have little ones, but 19 & 20 year olds should be working or going to school (or both), as well as keeping up with their personal chores & contributing to the upkeep of their home.

gotta sit down with hubs & tell him this isn't fun & you're through doing the heavy lifting for a houseful of people.

Then...
stop doing the heavy lifting.
Disengage.

Not being ready for the marriage is something you need to figure out or come to terms with (or not), but in the meantime, you can stop letting the 3 of them use you.

I wish you the best.
colleenoz
16 years ago
Not only is it not fair for you to be doing all of the housework for adult children, it's not fair for the children either. Your husband is doing his children no favours by not expecting them to behave as adults and contribute to the household by assisting with the housework and contributing financially to some extent. By continuing to carry them, he is not teaching them to be functioning independent adults. What will happen to them when you two are no longer around?
Yes, it's wonderful to help your children get onto their feet but that's the thing- they need to be getting onto their own feet, not set up to expect to be carried forever.
kkny
16 years ago
What hours do you work? DH??
colleenoz
16 years ago
What difference does the OP and her DH's work hours make? Even if they are both retired and home all day every day, they should not be totally financially supporting adult children who apparently are able to work - " SD is even wanting to work from home"- or providing a maid service.
loner
Original Author
16 years ago
Things are getting increasingly stressful. My son is ready to move in with his dad (which I understand and support, but I'll feel even more like the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit around here). DH is becoming less and less "understanding" of my need to disengage. We hardly do anything as a family anymore. I feel so torn. I feel bad for DH because he wants that whole "two become as one", and he deserves it. I just feel like I literally can't breathe sometimes in this life. I keep thinking about maybe this feeling will go away, but it doesn't. I don't know what to do.
lonepiper
16 years ago
Loner, I am a huge advocate for "marriage/spouse comes first." However, not to the detriment of the children, specifically your son. You have not indicated that your son is a "problem" in the equation. It sounds more like he is being forced out (exactly how you seem to be feeling, much like a third wheel). You should not be put in this position and your son should not be put in this position, he is your responsibility and he is a minor (15 years old). Your husband's children are adults. Your husband can only be "one" with you when he actually takes your feelings, wishes and concerns into consideration. He is one-sided and not thinking of you at all. Have you communicated this with him?

Another question, the phrase "two become as one" sounds like a christian philosophy. Is he a christian? If so, I've got some great come-backs for you when and if you decide to sit down, face-to-face, and let him know how you truly are feeling.

Tired of being Full-time Stepmother

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