I've learned not to wear sweaters when pruning. They catch and snag constantly. If it is all that cold, I put on a sweatshirt which has a smooth exterior. I recently bought a zip front sweatshirt with a fleece lining in a man's size small. I had looked for one in women's sizes for many years, and never found one. It is really warm; so much so that if I'm still cold in that it is time to go inside and call it a day. And if it is not that cold, heavy twill or denim shirts are the best protection. Again, look at the men's or boy's departments. Rose pruning time is not the time to make a fashion statement. Rosefolly

I think the posts in reply to your original post are insensitive and rude. I suspect that they are also young. And naive. In spite of that, maybe there is a little truth in what they write? I don't know. I think that you are free to have a relationship with who ever you want to have a relationship with and if you chose not to have a relationship with your DH's child, you only need treat him how you would want to be treated. I imagine you want to be treated in a civil manner. I have a gf who did not want a relationship with her SD or her SD's bm and made that clear to her husband. I wish I had payed more attention. I had a relationship with my DH's children and his ex (I got him to seek mediation when she violated the court order and took on his battle) and believe me, if I could rewind time, I wouldn't do it again. It was a thankless task. Neither he nor his kids remember all that I have done for them and when they treat me poorly, he protects them. So, no, not everyone loves their SKs. Some of us start out with the best of intentions and end up like me; some never bother; and some have great relations. Every situation is different and you have to live your own life and take care of you. I learned this the hard way. I see women give everything to their SKs and the SKs just run over them (another gf was shocked after years of battling with her DH because he wasn't kind enough to his kids, the SKs ripped HER off). Believe me, it isn't about blaming others. It's about accepting who we are, what we need, and finding ways to find the peace and serenity we all want. For the past 5 years, whenever my SKs are around, I am busy - sometimes intentionally, some times I really just am busy. I decided this last year that I won't spend another holiday with them until their father and them quit pretending I'm the problem and learn to behave in a way that is "normal." He is free to spend time with them and like divorced parents, he can have them one year, me the next. I don't need to make a pronouncement about this, I just told him that I want to focus on "us," not the "family," and that he is welcome to have a relationship with his kids and that I just don't want to do the same. After 20 years, I am done.

Vicky, I had to go back to the original post to get a reminder of what advice you are looking for because you seem to have an retort to anything anyone has to say that isn't what you want to hear. "I would like to know from some of you how you handle "EOW mom" when you do more of the parenting than BM does. I also have a hard time with her phone calls that interrupt our family (bonding) time. Also, when BM calls a few days in a row SS starts expecting her phone call around a certain time of the day, and then her phone calls become less regular, setting him up for just another disappointment." How did I handle the EOW mom when I did more of the parenting than her? At first I HELPED my husband out a lot... I did the transport, doctor visits, teacher stuff, homework stuff, and then SD would go visit her mom for a weekend, DH would get a call from mom p!ss!ng & moaning about how SD didn't like this or that, or how I was doing things wrong, or I have no business doing "mom" things. I grew to resent that I am getting up doing everything for a kid whose mother got to sleep in & not work or pay support while I worked two jobs in addition to raising her daughter. She even got confrontational with me during an exchange that I was doing to help out my husband. That was the last exchange as I began to distance myself from interacting with the EOW deadbeat mom. (It really did reduce the stress in my life by removing myself from the mix. If you have any negative feelings toward her ~and it sounds as if you might~ then I highly recommend leaving it to your husband... even if he has to drive more than you'd like him to have to.) He chose to have a child with her. It's HIS responsibility and the fact that you are asking how to deal with HIS ex when it's really HIS problem, implies that you don't exactly like her or get along with her... not that you aren't cordial & kind... but you harbor feelings that she isn't doing her job, you are. That my friend is the beginning of bigger resentment. Trust me on that. As for the phone calls... Well, my SD's mom felt entitled to call whenever she wanted. The problem was that she only wanted to call when we were actually busy doing something... like at an amusement park or on a trip. Otherwise, SD would want to call her but she would never answer her phone. If she did answer it, she would say how she was too busy to talk.. you know, taking her new boyfriend's kids to baseball or taking the dogs to the vet. Then I got to listen to SD cry over it. I got to deal with the disappointment every time she couldn't get through to her mom or her mom would say she'd call back but didn't. Try putting a kid to bed when they are waiting for a call from mom... because mom promised. Of course, my SD didn't like me. Well, I don't know if that's true because she asked if she could call me mom a couple of times and said she loved me at other times, but her actions said differently. To be honest, I have no idea how she felt toward me but I took the brunt of her anger toward her mom. She lied about me. She lied to me. She manipulated every situation. and in the end, I split up the marriage because my husband allowed his ex to involve herself in our marriage by proxy... her daughter. In the beginning, he was wonderfully supportive of me, very appreciative except he never stood up to his ex. She would start something with me and he would tell me how much he appreciated me & all I do for him. Eventually his daughter treated me the same way his ex did, and he would not do anything about it. (I don't know if he could have made her stop but he never made any real attempt... she rolled over him like a mack truck!) But you see, in retrospect it wasn't SD's or BM's fault. It was my DH's fault because HE was the parent. It was HIS job to raise his daughter, not mine. He delegated it over to me and put me in a position to deal with the crap he didn't want to... his ex & his daughter. That's why I am divorcing him. I thought I was doing what a loving wife should do, help him out & take care of his child so he could work & we could "be a family". It didn't work out for me, I hope it works out for you but I wouldn't hold my breath. The bottom line is that you are on TWO forums asking for advice on how to deal with something that isn't your problem. I am sure that many stepparents have a good relationship with their stepchild and even like/get along with the BM. And if that were the case, I don't know why you'd be asking for advice on how to deal with an EOW mom & her annoying phone calls that interrupt your family bonding time. The unfortunate truth is that she is a part of your family whether you like it or not. She can choose to do whatever she wants every other weekend... junk food, inappropriate movies, video's, etc. My SD wore make up & spent days at a river with a boy and no adult. She was allowed to eat whatever & always gained weight there & stayed up as late as she wanted. And then come home to our rules and as she got older, she became more & more rebellious about it. She resented that I was doing what she wanted her mom to do and I didn't allow her the freedom her mom gave her. In my situation, it was a recipe for disaster & had my husband been more supportive, I might have hung in there longer and stayed married... but I guarantee you that I would have been miserable until the day she moved out or decided to like me & be nice. As soon as she turned 13, she upped the ante because she felt she was now a "teenager". By that time, I had taken on the responsibility of raising my infant grandson & it got to the point that I did not want him influenced by her bad behavior. I guess my point is that you have no control over how much peace you will have in your life. You can get along with the mom & child but if either of them decide to make it hard for you, well it's just something you have to deal with when you sign on to be married to someone that has children from a prior relationship. You accept there is an ex that is going to be the other parent to the children & sometimes you luck out with someone that likes and accepts you as the stepparent.. but I think more often than not it doesn't work out that way. Perhaps because women are sometimes possessive of their children or the role of "mother" so when a stepparent is doing everything for the child as a custodial stepmother, she may feel the mother is not doing enough or is a substandard mother because she doesn't have custody or just doesn't agree with how the mother chooses to parent. And it is probably difficult for a lot of mother's to have an EOW stepmother trying to bond & influence their child when they disagree on values or parenting style. But, those are the pitfalls of subsequent marriages (or I should say relationsips that involve someone that already has children) It's a package deal & it isn't always what it appears to be when you sign up (as in the case of someone that has a completely absent parent that reappears after you're married) It's just something you have to deal with or walk away. There is no advice on how to make the EOW mother do anything and it's not your job to deal with her... if it's a problem that you feel you have to figure out how to deal with her, give it back to the person that is obligated to deal with her.. and that's your husband. It's nice that you want to help him out & if you can do so without feeling put out or put upon to deal with this woman... great! I love hearing a happy ending where everyone can get along. Or I could give this advice if you really insist on being the one to deal with her: 1. Drive the child. 2. Keep your mouth shut. 3. Turn a blind eye to what she says or does with her child. Because you are not going to change her. You are not going to change how she parents. You are not going to remove her from the child's life, nor her influence. You are never going to be the real mom. If you're lucky, he will grow up to love & respect you & appreciate all you've done for him but even he has no obligation to do any of that. He didn't ask for a stepmom. He didn't ask for you to be his custodian. and while you are doing his dad a favor, you may be doing him a disservice. Boys learn to be men from their male role model. His father is modeling how to be gone most of the time & leave the bulk of the parenting to the woman. That's just some food for thought, but you & dad should be aware of what message it is sending to this boy on how to be a man someday. (my dad was a workaholic & now my brother is too... it's very powerful how a father doesn't have to actively spend time with a child to teach him behaviors that will follow him throughout his life.

I love all these plant ideas. Most I've heard of, many I've grown, and some are going to open new doors for me! Thank you, everyone! PeaceofMind - I had totally forgotten cleome. I grew it in California; it got over 5' tall and wide. It's wonderful. Gardening for seven years in California, and then moving to North Dakota is a shock to the gardener's soul. Still, "Bloom where you're planted!" has always been my motto. Roses; Lavender Lass, NHBabs, and MNWSgal - I'm going to study the roses you suggested. I would love at least one rose in the garden. Stepping Stones - I'm picking up several large ones today. I have a couple 12" stepping stones in the Hosta garden. While they do the job, I sometimes have to stand on tiptoe with one foot on a stone, then bend and stretch to reach whatever I'm fixing. My old stiff body is starting to rebel at such gymnastics, so more stones are in order. I checked out a neighbor's large garden the other day. She has pathways of stepping stones through the center, and branching off to the various areas. Her stones are all larger, 16" or 18" in diameter. It's so easy to "walk" through her garden. Once the plants are up you don't even see the larger stepping stones. Idea stolen! LOL Restraints and Issues - My front yard is flat; the deck is flat; the front of the house is flat. There is one tall, but puny, white spruce tree to the left of the gardens. I keep all the bird feeders there. They are a source of amusement and joy during the long winters. I sit near the tree in summer and enjoy not only the feeder birds, but the Purple Martins at the end of the garden path. I drew the outlines of the gardens to miss the tree's shade and keep the garden plants in full sun. Past the Driveway - I cannot plant anything to the south (left) of the driveway. Wes keeps a 14' trailer and his boat, parked to the left of the garage. He has to pull them out into that grassy area before getting on the driveway. I do have a potting deck and bench against the fence. We measured and tested the clearances before he built it. Purple Martins - From the spruce tree, on the other side of the gardens, near the drive way, is the only place in our three-city-lot sized yard that I can have the 15' tall Purple Martin pole. It's just visible in the upper right corner of the first photo, and in the background of the "tomatoes" photo. Their colony has to be 40 feet from trees in every direction; they have to have open flyways; there cannot be tall plants near the pole, etc. My PMs come first. They arrive every mid-April, raise their young, and leave the first week of August. I have hosted them every summer since 2003. I will try to not go all weepy and happy talking about them, but because of them I can't have anything too tall in the gardens. The obelisk is fine; it's far enough away. The tomatoes closest to the pole was worrying them last year so I'm not putting tall plants past the middle part of the garden. If it came down to the garden or the Purple Martins, the birds would win hands down. Still I hope to make this a colorful, scented, interesting, balanced, and pretty garden. I want to make the hummingbirds, butterflies, and all the little warblers and wrens happy while they gobble bugs. Shrubs - I could not put any shrubs in the garden that get more than two or three feet tall. Do you think I could get a sense of "height," "structure," or "design" with shrubs this size? Suggestions? Steps and Deck - We've discussed putting shrubs on either side of the steps, near the deck area. We both love evergreens and the angled steps make two perfect niches for shrubs. I just need to research what would do best. I would like them to be no more than 5-6 feet tall; they could be slender, or they could be more conical but no more than 3-4 feet around at the base. I would set them out from the corners so when even when mature they would not look squeezed in. Wes' main concern with the clematis on the deck is the moisture, and the stringy dead vines all winter long. My beloved Jackmanii could be cut down every fall. I don't know what the problem really is. I know he would not mind a grouping of evergreens along the deck as long as he could get between them and the rails. If I staggered them and grouped them correctly they could add a sense of a background to the garden. Any suggestions on evergreens? We would not want to have to prune them. Winter Interest - I don't have to worry about this. Once the 3'-4', or more, of snow falls, nothing is visible. We put tall orange stakes at the edges so Wes can snow-blow my path to the birdfeeders without hitting the garden rocks. I didn't have this problem with my California, or Delaware, or Arkansas gardens! :) Last Spring - This was taken last year on June 6. We had just started planting the veggies; some of the Purple martins had returned and Spring was in the air. We don't plant things before the end of May here. We're expecting snow this Friday. You can see the areas by the steps where I could put two matching shrubs. Do you think those two, and maybe three (?) something near the right end of the deck would help give some backdrop/height to the gardens? I'm moving the flag pole bracket (on front facing left post) to the left of the front door. That will move it back 8 feet more away from the birds. It "bothered" them last year. Here is most of the front yard. Our yard goes from the privacy fence and white garage on the left, to past the bird feeder tree to the right. The back yard is just as big, but it's filled with trees, is in full shade all day long, and is the summer domain of the two mostly-in-the-house pups (huge hunting dogs.) No gardening to be done back there. :) That leaves the right-hand section of the front yard to fulfill all my gardening fantasies. You can see the other side of the steps which are begging for an evergreen, the tomatoes, and the PMs' gourds. He pulls the trailer or boat out often in the summer. Thankfully not enough that it destroys the grass. I hope to get a new system for the birds by next spring. I want to elevate the gourds up to 18-20 feet. They'll feel safer, and it will take the gourds out of the line of sight from the street to the house. From mid-April to early-August my yard is filled with the joy, the wonderful songs and calls, and the aerial flight displays of the voracious flying insect eaters. The ones with the lighter colored chests are the fledges (babies just learning to fly) from last year. The dark "black" (iridescences purple) ones are the males, the ones with dark grey chests are the females.