I posted something similar to this in the STEP MOTHER'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

This tug of war between step mothers and step children on here is ridiculous and needs to stop!!!

EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT! Not all step mothers are evil,nor are all step children.
BOTH HAVE RIGHTS. It is when the needs of one or the other isnt being met that problems arise.

I'am a step child to two step fathers. I'am also a step mother to 3 step children. I have seen the good and the bad in both situations,and I can tell you it has NEVER been just the step mother's fault,or JUST the step child's fault.
These situations are complicated and hard sometimes.

Posts like these just fuel the fire even more between the step children and step moms. If you are a decent human being then you should already know what so called "rights" anyone has. Because they are the same rights EVERYONE should have!

All of your rights can be applied to step mothers as well. Think I havent gotten sneers or dirty looks from step daughter? Just as many of the step mother's rights could be applied to a step child.
I think this forum is a great place for support and help if you have a problem.But I will not go back and forth with anyone anymore over who is wrong,the step children or the step mothers. It's frankly stupid and immature.
Just my two cents!

But the stepchildren are CHILDREN. Although there are certainly mentally ill children, I do not think there is such a thing as an "evil" child.

You can not equate the needs of the stepparents with the needs of the stepchild. They are not of equal weight - the child's needs are paramount.

They are not equally responsible for their behavior. Only one is an adult.

The stepchild did not chose to be a stepchild. The stepparent did.

A statement that I heard long ago applies to all situatuions and should be remembered:

"An individuals rights end where where the rights of others begin." PERIOD

Everyone ought think about their "bills of right" and consider the overlap. The two that I have seen posted CANNOT coexist. There must be a compromise. Part of growing up/being and adult requires learing that rather than ramrodding "rights" upon each other, everyone has to take a step back and figure out a way to insure that while exercising her/his rights, others are not being "wronged"

But coming on here and saying these rights is silly,like if you werent a kind human being COMMON SENSE wouldnt already tell you these things!

You said children arent evil,but they are certainly capable of acting evil!
I'm not saying that being evil or acting evil is the child's fault.But let's not kid ourselves,children can be evil. They do cruel things to each other sometimes and to adults.

And although children are children,and you said adults"choose to be step parents" ~~step children should ALSO RESPECT THEIR ELDERS,which includes step parents!
I dont expect,nor have EVER expected to be loved right off the bat with a step child.
I have expected to be treated with respect though.As a child may treat their teacher.

Of course they deserve time alone with both parents. Of course their personal space shouldnt be violated. Of course they have a right to express their feelings,so long as it's said in a manner that is not insulting. Of course they have a right to feel at home~but they are also not to act like they are at a 5 star hotel and to be waited on hand and foot either.
Of course you should NEVER degrade or insult either parent in front of them. It is wrong on so many levels.
And of course the child should never be forced to call their step parent mom or dad. My step children call me by my first name.

But the sneering and dirty looks thing goes both ways. When my own daughter gives me a dirty look I give it right back! Why should a step child be any different?

All of these laws are COMMON SENSE,COMMON SENSE,COMMON SENSE.
Unless you live in a bubble,then most people know what is the right and wrong way to treat a person.

I know you all have heard this from me before...

and I agree that this back and forth thing is pretty silly. Obviously we all bring our own prejudices and experiences with stepchildren and stepparents into this forum. I am quite sure that most of the stepparents in here are nothing like my stepmother. Or at least from the posts I've read, there is indication that MOST, NOT ALL of the stepparents have TRIED to make things work between the stepchildren and themselves

...but saying RESPECT YOUR ELDERS is such a blanket statement. How do you respect a person who does not respect you? You do not EARN respect by virtue of age or by virtue of being married to a childs father. You EARN respect by virtue of who you are and how you treat others. Respect and age do not go hand-in-hand.

I'm just saying,in school you get in trouble for talking back to teachers,right? The same should be in effect at home.Insults and rolling eyes,or making faces is not respecting your elders. To be frank,if I did that stuff as a child, I got back handed. I would never hit my own daughter like that,or my step child~but some consequence for acting like that should be inforced.
Respect in my opinion,is doing what you are asked to do without attitude. Expressing yourself in a way that is not offensive or insulting.
Whether children like it or not,the adults are in charge,so they should respect their authority.
I dont expect to be loved or treated like a friend. I do expect to be treated with kindness and consideration that I would treat anyone.

coolmamma,

I understand what you are saying, and this is not to imply that you don't treat your stepdaughters with respect, kindness and consideration, from all that I have read in your posts. I absolutely think that you do. I just want those who read these forums to understand that you can't expect a child/teenager to treat you (the stepmother/stepfather) with respect, kindness and consideration if you don't do the same for them. Like lilysuzanne said in the original post..."A stepchild knows when his or her stepparent is angry, resentful or being malicious".

Also, I understand what you mean about respecting authority, but if your child were being treated with disdain from a teacher when your child did nothing to deserve that sort of attitude, I seriously doubt that she would just accept it and do what she is told without an eyeroll or a sneer. I know you understand what I mean. In fact, I'd bet that you would be down at that school doing whatever you could to help either change the attitude of the teacher or to get her into a different classroom. An adult who doesn't have the best interest of the child at heart should not have authority. Also, a child with a hateful teacher will only have to endure that teacher for a few hours, 5 days a week for 1 school year. A stepchild with a hateful stepparent is expected to endure for all of the time they spend with their bio-parent, sometimes living in the same home, forever.

I think in a lot of ways, you and I are saying the same thing, just from different perspectives. You say that stepparents should be treated with kindness and consideration. You are right! They should be when they have the best interest of the child at heart and are not behaving selfishly. I say it is up to the parent/stepparent to set the example.

Stepparents...I understand that stepchildren usually treat you with less respect than they treat their parents. It sucks, it really does! I am just saying that it is important to think about how you are treating them...are you treating them the way that you would want to be treated? If you are, good for you! Keep it up! Even if they are disrespectful, hopefully they will come around. If you feel that your husband's lack of dicipline with them is a problem, you need to take that up with him, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. You should do what you can to not become the enemy. Believe me when I tell you that children do not go away just because they turn 18. They do not stop having a need/longing for their parent in their life. As long as you are married to the parent, that child will be in your life. We ALL, stepchildren and stepparents alike, need to do what we can to put ourselves into the shoes of the other person. If they are uncontrollable, try to figure out WHY they are that way, and do what you can to be understanding. I am not saying that you should lay down like a rug and let them walk all over you, but also respect their relationship with their parent enough to not try and destroy it. Respect yourself enough not to get overly involved in those things you cannot change. Respect yourself and the child enough to demand that your spouse do what they can change those things that can be changed and need to be. Respect the child enough to set an example on how to be respectful.

Well,I dont know what to say because I have never been malicious or resentful toward my step children. Angry? Sure,but everyone gets angry,and the way to deal with it is to talk it out or walk away for a while. I see nothing wrong with letting someone know you are angry with them. Hiding it or letting it fester only leads to bigger problems.
And the good thing is,once you get your anger out,it's gone.And everyone usually feels better. You can show anger without being mean or heartless.

When I'am angry with my own daughter I show it. We discuss what needs to change,and that is the end of it.

It does seem to me,one of the biggest problems on this forum is lack of support from these fathers. They either dont disapline their kids or ignore the problems.

Every website I have checked out about step parenting says how destructive it is that these dad's do this. In all honesty,they are the cause of what is called "The evil step mother syndrome"

The stepmother then feels backed into a corner,taken for granted,unappreciated.Maybe even deceived by her husband.

In turn,many women DO act maliciously toward the child to take it out on them. Maybe not even intentionally.

So,I can see saying they are only children and shouldnt be treated that way.

I do think that setting a good example is a good idea. Kids learn to talk and act the way we do. If they see us with attitude then they will think it is ok.
As I said,they are also entitled to express their emotions.
But it should be done in a positive way.No name calling,insults,eye rolling or scoffing.
No,my own daughter isnt allowed to do those things either.Even if a teacher is being mean.If that happens,she is to tell me.
You are also right that someone who does not have the child's best intrest at heart should not have authority...but that is unfortuntely not likely. Many step mothers and children are often FORCED apon each other.Usually a stay at home mom and when the step child gets home from school or is off on vacation.
This is so unfair to both parties for obvious reasons. Not a whole lot can be done about it either.

I do think step moms/dads need to get used to the kids being in their life.Even after they are adults. However,I dont think it is unfair to not want that grown child NOT living with you if they are capable of living on their own.

Even with BIO-children,you raise them to be mature and responsible,and to make it on their own. At some point you would like to be alone even from them.Although you will still always be there for them.

What bothers me are the double standards in many step-parent families. Where the step- mother is constantly "at" the step child...they irritate her, she is critical of everything they do, she is always painting them to look awful to their dad.....and yet "her own" children do the same or worse, and she never calls them own anything, or turns a blind eye to her own child's behavior, when they do they same or worse.

Perhaps is a parental quality. We cannot see the wrong in our own biological children, but are very quick to point it out in other children. And then she attacks the dad, for not seeing the wrong in his kids...and yet she is doing the exact same thing she accuses him of...she cannot see the bad in "her" kids!!!

By the way, I have seen this go on in families with natural and adopted children, and I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for foster children.

I am beginning to think that it would be a miracle for step families to actually function happily and in a healthy way. There are too many dynamics going on. Some kids family is split apart by divorce. Dad remarries someone with kids. So the kids dad moves into someone else's house and is now dad to some kids he doesn't even know. Ex-wife is struggling on her own, and hates that her ex husband is now married to someone else...and she has no say on the who this woman is that will now be another mom to her kids. She has no control over the decisions that this woman makes that will have a great influence over her children. (good and bad). This new woman can go and have your darling child's hair cut, cutting off the curls you adore. She can buy your 12 year old daughter clothes that are entirely inappropriate. She can let your child see movies you do not want your children to see. And she can make your children think that you are crazy, wierd, etc, at which point, because if she feels insecure with the dad, she attacks the bio-mom. And bio-moms are already threatened because another woman has "her life" in some aspects. She now has her husband, and now is a mom to her children. She may also believe that her ex is telling this woman (and perhaps her children) all sorts of bad things about her...so she is naturally defensive to begin with, and starts doing the same with the new wife. if the kids like the new wife, she feels as though she has lost not only her husband, but now she feels as though she is losing her children to her too. As if she can be entirely replaced. And so perhaps her behavior is very defensive. Can you blame her? If the new wife feels threated by the ex wife...she is often saying bad things about the ex wife to her new husband, the kids, or friends etc.

Please tell me that there are step situations that are truly happy, and healthy. Because reading this forum, I fear for the future where such a large number of children are being raised in all of this pain, and chaos.

In my opinion, both 'Rights' are equally important to maintain the harmony in a family, just like our Rights in the society. If anybody starts to take another person's rights away by doing the wrong thing, his/her own rights will also be taken away in return. This is how the society is functioned. When I saw this posting, again, I did not have any reply because I respect their perspective and agree that stepchildren has their own rights, but so as the stepparents. It should not be all about Me Me Me, or pointing fingers to You You You from either side. I do not see any conflicts between the 2 Bills of Rights because by maintain and respecting the Rights from both sides, there will be harmony in the family.

Like was stated earlier - every situation is different. There will always be good/bad stepparents/stepkids. In defense of the stepparent: I believe the majority of the SP's are good people and really do try. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not...many stepkids do try and make a blended family life miserable. Yes they are children - when does the "children" come out of the your statement? 14, 15, 18, 40? The majority of failed marriages are due to man/wife being difficult to live with, unfaithfulness, controlling, abusive and so on - but should never be due to a child coming between two adults who love each other. The person in the marriage who has not been the "bad guy" deserves a new chance with a good person. All the people out there who feel threatened by a new person in the other's life...well that IS life. If people were not selfish and had the best interest of their children - they will sit down and try and have a civil conversation and get rid of the threatening feelings. Now if this does not happen then you can expect trouble...but I will not let my husbands ex or his kids run me out of his life!! I have done what is expected of me and so much more, so I have no guilt of anything. As far as stepkids are concerned: Not all are selfish, vendictive or just plain trouble, my daughter is an example...but for the ones that are - there is something wrong somewhere and if I have done everything to make my SK the best he can be (when he is here) - that is ALL I can do. You know, when you have a child that shows harmful, hurtful tendacies and who act out with violence and bad temperment - those are the kids who end up in juvenile, prison or death row because they have become a serial killer, theif or rapist. This is what I have in concerns for my situation....my SK is 15 - and has ALL of these signs. Now are you going to tell me that his father and I are wrong to stop the visits when we have other innocent people in the home? I know you say they need therapy and tests...but when all that fails - where do you go? When you KNOW it is coming from his bio mom? Does my husband not have a right to be happy without the chaos? Do I not have a right to be happy because I fell in love with my husband? At what age do you say "well he is old enough to know better?" My stepkid I am sure tells everyone I am a bad stepparent...I am not. Coolmama is right all the way around. I treat my SK with respect - have NEVER had it in return. In my case - the bio mom is at fault for his behavior - and I or my husband will not be at fault for that! Everyone needs to take a look at there own kids...if you do not teach them from the start to respect, be kind, sensitive to other people, then you will regret it. So when a kid is 15 and treats not just me but everyone else badly...well what can you do when you have tried everything? You have to let go sometime....stepparents are not given enough appreaciation...most second marriages are not bad marriages....they pick this second person because they wanted something different from the 1st, they were lacking either faithfullness, respect, and fairness in their marriage. So when that parent realizes his/her mistake from the first one...they try and weed out those problems so they can be happy for the rest of their life with the new person they have chosen. This is life and people just need to accept it and make it the best they can...like I said before - if there is negativity come from a bio mom/dad - it is going to transfer to the bio mom/dad and that stepparent - and people will not put up with that forever....in my case - the bio mom has done that although she was not successful in breaking up our marriage!! Now she gets to dwell in her anger but she has no choice but to get over it, she has condoned his behavior at our home,even encouraged it...that is what she has molded her son to be.

jenny, I believe you are doing all you know how to do. Please don't look at anything I have said as a criticism of you, it is a criticism of those who do not try and who expect things to autormatically be a perfect, happy family. Also, I was wondering if your husband and ex-wife have done family counciling with your stepson to try to get to the heart of the matter. Has his therapist suggested it? Is he still going to counciling? It sounds like he really needs help, and although you shouldn't bring somebody who is totally disruptive into your home, his dad should also not give up on him, and giving up on him will only lead to more problems.

raek, I am not taking as criticism (I don't think :), my husband has tried to get him to a therapist..the ex refuses and so does his son. Also it is not just his threats and rudeness that has put a barrier between he and his father. See this son is not his bio son. He has always treated and supported him. His ex got pregnant with another man. In short my husband told her as long as the bio father never came around and his son was never told he was not the bio father, he would stay with her..he has another son with her that is his. She told my husband two years later that his bio father was dead. Well a couple of years ago my husband found out this bio father was NOT dead and she has had him in contact...my SS even calls him "dad". Now since this has happened things are worse. It was after this all these threats happened. My husband has been so hurt by this and when he confronts his son - he just lies about it. So when a man agrees to be a father to his non-bio son, and the vendictive ex puts her son in contact with bio-father, his son starts to treat not just me but his dad also differntly....how much does a man take? He still is paying $700 child support, his son treats us (his family) like "crap" - this is why my husband has stepped back...can you blame him? My husband's attorney told him he could probably stop child support because of this (don't know if he is going to attempt this)...but the ex made her bed and it has come back to her. So on behalf of my husband....he should have his own Bill of Rights! Sorry did not mean to bring all of my own problems to this entry....

jenny, your husband, as the boy's father...bio or not...absolutely should have rights in the situation. He should have the right to insist that his son see a therapist. He has a right to do everything possible to make sure his kid has every opportunity to become a good, contributing, member of society. It's too bad that it is so hard for him to get the mother to see and do what is best for their son without making it a tug-of-war to the detriment of her own child. Good luck to both of you!

There are so many points that can be argued back and forth here. Many people have said how can a child respect an adult who does not respect them... HELLO!!! They are a child, yes they deserve respect! However they are going to have elders that do not respect them, some teachers some others, does that mean they can act out anywhere they feel they aren't getting the respect they deserve? My children are taught that under NO circumstance are they allowed to disrespect an adult! If there is an issue they can bring it to me and I as an ADULT will decide how the situation will be handled. Unfortunately in the society we now live in it is acceptable for children to mouth off and even curse their elders and you will see parents rally to the side of the child saying well they didn't respect my Son/daughter. PLEASE!!! If I had disrespected an adult when I was a child regaurdless of the circumstances I wouldn't have sat down for a week! And I had many situations where I so wanted to be disruptive. :) I knew better though. I am the same with my children regaurdless of the situation they had better not run their mouth to any adult! If the adult is in the wrong the child is not capable of the level of conversation it may take to rectify the situation. :) I believe the same holds true to step parents... regaurdless of how the step child "feels" about the step parent they should be forced to respect them... They don't have to love them and worship them, but because they are an adult they HAVE to respect them. If there are issues it should be brought up with both biological parents and the together should decide what is to be done.

I assume you are talking about "respect" as in obeying or being polite, rather than how you feel about someone, since obviously respect in that sense can not be mandated. However, even in that sense, I believe that adults are no more or less deserving of respect than are children. My kids are involved in martial arts, which is big on "respect," - but that extends also to the other children in class. While they are expected to bow to the Sensei's, that has nothing to do with their age - there are Sensei's as young as 14 or 15. That level of respect is earned, as a result of achievement (i.e. a black belt), rather than being an entitlement based to age.

Too much emphasis on respecting adults can have horrible consequences, such as the abuse perpetrated on all those children by the priests. Not every child has an adult who is willing to save him from abusive situations, and even children who have such adults in their lives may not have them handy at the time. Sometimes it is necessary to "run off at the mouth" when presented with a potentially abusive situation - I can envision a scenario where an adult is trying to entice a shy little girl to come with him, and the surprise value of having her hurl a string of invectives at him might convince him that she is not an easy target. The child who is most at risk of abuse is the one who is too compliant. While it might be handy to have a child who is compliant and polite to the "good" adults, but who stands up to abusive adults and doesn't succumb to peer pressure, such a combination of traits is rare.

But you are incenuating that all step parents are abusive. Telling a child to clean their room and having them spout,"NO! I hate you! You arent my mom and I dont have to listen to YOU!" Is an example of the disrespect I speak of.

If I say,"Go clean your room" to my daughter,or my step daughter~I dont expect arguing or eye rolling or sighing. I expect them to do what I say.Anything other is disrespect~

which is quite different then having a Priest molest a child.

Man I hate that! My girlfriend wont even let me tell her kid stuff.But he doesnt listen to her at all and I'm sick of him disrespctin my things.All I ask is keep him out of the basement off my computer and stuff.Cant even do that.

sandstone,

I am a fine example of a stepchild who did not have her dad...the other adult in the situation...stick up for me and do the right thing when I was being verbally abused by my stepmother, who was, at the time, his very new girlfriend. By the way, the definition of respect is as follows...the condition of being esteemed or honored...do you think I could possibly honor or hold in high esteem somebody who came into my life out of nowhere and treated me badly for no reason? I don't think so. I don't think anybody could. I am also not the kind of person who will lie down and take that kind of abuse just becase my dad's girlfriend happened to be older than me. If that makes me hateful, spiteful or evil, then so be it. I think it just makes me human. Nobody wants to be abused or treated badly and just because she was an adult and I was a child should not make any difference...in fact, because SHE was the adult, SHE should have known better.

This is not to say that I think it is ok for a child to curse out or fly off the handle at any adult. I think in general it is completely unacceptable. I think that if there is another adult around who can AND WILL handle it then they should be the ones who handle it, but to think that somebody deserves respect by virtue of age is rediculous. There are plenty of child molesters who are older than you are. Do you respect them?

Raek,your situation is very different though. You were older when your dad got with your stepmom. She didnt help take care of you since you were younger and wasnt responsible for you most of the time the way many step moms are for their step kids.
It is totally understandable that as a teen you'd object to some woman you just met that is being verbally abusive and over stepping her bounderies trying to order you about.

What about other step moms though who have had their step kids in their lives since they were pretty young? The ones who have been there and helped care for them along the way. Should they NOT be respected? Often they take on more of the responsibility then some of the bio-moms. In that aspect I think they do deserve to be respected.

coolmamma, I understand what you are saying...you understand what I am saying. I just think that sandstone's post was directed specifically at what I have been saying about the respect issue. It seems to me that sandstone is saying that all adults should be respectd by all children, no matter what the circumstance. That, to me, is rediculous. As I think I have said, or at least already indicated, stepmothers who are trying and working and doing their very best for their stepchildren absolutely should be respected and have earned that "right" to be respected. That goes right along with the deffinition...the condition of being esteemed or honored...all true mothers (bio-mothers who raise their children, and stepmothers who step up and take on the role of mother) deserve to be esteemed or honored. Mothers truly give so much and expect so little back. I think I have already stated as much. With all of that being said...I still stand by my stance that a person does not DESERVE respect by virtue of being older. I think the phrase "respect your elders" is ignorant. Respect is EARNED! I also want to state that there is no excuse for a child to suddenly and without provacation to act hatefully or to curse out or act impolite to an adult for no reason whatsoever. But there are certainly limits to what a human being can put up with without standing up and screaming ENOUGH ALREADY! I think what most people are talking about when they speak of respect or disrespect is basically politeness. Would it be best if a child were to respond to a rude adult with politeness...of course it would, but that is sometimes hard even for adults to do, why should we expect more of children than we expect of ourselves?

Sorry to all of you who do not have the values of respect your elders. As for respecting your elders leading to abuse.... Hmmm so teaching a child they are not allowed to curse, fight, or otherwise disrespect someone means it's ok for that person to hurt them???? Really??? It amazies me the level some will stoop to to try to make a point. My children, Biological and step are taught to respect elders. Now if you actually read my entire post... I stated that does NOT mean they have to love or even like that person it just means one of the basic life lessons... "IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL." Children can be taught to respect their elders and still be taught to protect themselves in areas such as "the preist who molest children"

Raek,
In no way did I state you had to like your step mom. But maybe your situation is different than some. My point is that even in a bad situation a child allowed or even encouraged to disrespect the verbally abusive step parent is only going to draw more attention from the abuser. I am sorry your father did not protect you, in this situation I would say I blame him more than your step-mother. But I stand firm on children need to respect adults... At no point is it okay for a child to yell or curse at an adult. Now with that said I also do not believe a parent or step parent should yell or curse at a child. Instead of not teaching children respect, they need to be taught life-skills in dealing with difficult situation. Such as if the bio-parent is not protecting them talk with a teacher or counselor. My point is by allowing disrespect, this ALWAYS esculates the situation! If you found out a teacher was scolding your child in class and your child told that teacher "f*** you your not my Mom!" Is this ok? Now put in that teachers place a step-parent telling scolding that same child for not completing their household chores and the same sentence was used. Is that ok?

sandstone, No that is not ok, and I never said it was. However, If the stepparent grabed the child by the face and yelled, "go clean up your f***ing room, you little b****!", that stepparent shouldn't be surprised when they hear "f*** you, you're not my mom"! Please don't get me wrong, I feel as if I am a very respectful person, and would do a ton to avoid direct confrontation. I never was in trouble in school, got good grades and have made a good career for myself. I am not somebody who has trouble with authority or respecting authority. Several things that my stepmother has said to me, I have acted respectfully, although in my heart, I have no respect for her. I have brushed those things off and turned the other cheek. I have NEVER said the f word to her, as much as I felt it and would've loved to. I said in a different post that my mom has this newspaper clipping that she has kept on her refrigerator for years. It says "my philosophy works both ways, respect your children and your children will respect you." I will tell you that as a teenager, I certainly wanted to do things that my mom would not allow, but if she told me no, I would respect that. I would not run off and do it behind her back anyway. I do believe that respect for EVERYBODY is in general the best way to get through life, however, with all of that being said...you get what you give in life. If you treat people with disrespect, no matter what their age, disrespect is what you will get in return.

I agree with a lot of what you people are saying. To me when it all comes down to it, it's how a stepmother acts in the situation. If she doesn't expect a stepchild to come through like her 'biological' child, they won't. A stepchild needs to feel equal, and part of the family. Not like an obligation, like they aren't good enough, like they are being squashed into the household.

Being an adult means that you're the supposed to be the bigger person and teach them respect. By teaching them respect I don't mean pounding it into them, I don't mean letting them walk all over you. I mean you need to show them respect to get some back. Just because you're an adult it doesn't mean you deserve respect before them. Respect isn't earned, that just goes back to making the child feeling unfit. Respect is mutual, it goes both ways.

You need to think of it from their perspective. Make it easier for them. That is what parents are supposed to do. They are supposed to comfort them, be there for them. Stepchildren or not they need to be treated like any other child in the household. If they aren't what makes you think they are gonna treat you with any sort of esteem?

Personally I have gone through both physical and verbal abuse through my childhood, more verbal than physical.

I suffered from depression. Nobody knew, not even me. I came from a messy situation involving more abuse with my mom and her boyfriend. I left my home that I was just getting used to, I moved a lot when I was younger. I left the only father I really knew, who abused my mom. I left my younger half brother and sister increasing my anxiety. I mean nobody knew these things, not really anyways. They saw the police reports, and knew about the anger management courses my stepfather went through. But they didnt really know. They never heard about my stepfather telling me to choose if I want to move two hundred miles away with the father I hardly knew. I only chose this because I knew my mom would come and get us when her bipolar was under control. That she wouldnt go back to the guy that would hurt her if she saw me move away. We were just too close for her not to.

We did go to some counseling for the court. I didnt know this, and the councilor I was with told me it would be a secret, just for me and her. That she would make me feel better. I really trusted her. To have my own mother, and my stepmother approach me about what had clearly not been confidential hurt me. I pretended after that. I pretended everything was okay so I wouldnt have to see the councilor anymore. She bought it. I refuse to visit a professional therapist to this day. Dont get me started on how I should. I know, and I will when I am ready. For now I have my best friend who too has in her past had similar problems, and a very kind caring boyfriend.

Moving in with a woman and her boy was increasingly stressful. At first she was nice. At first she brought us places, smiled a lot, and praised us for what we did right. She even quit smoking because of my asthma; my stepfather didnt even do that. I liked her, I let my guard down. I get it, its always this way when you first meet. As time progressed she laid a ton of responsibility on me, doing all the household chores to avoid going to the babysitters. When I was living with my mom I took care of my three younger siblings, I was responsible and twelve is definitely old enough to stay home for a few hours by yourself. She didnt trust me, to this day she doesnt.

I havent done anything to break her respect. I have been nothing but respectful and paitent her. She began reading my personal journals, things I used to vent, going through my room, my personal belongings. Praising only her son while telling me how bad I was at everything. Scolding me for having feelings, and so I will admit I became irritable. Throughout my childhood I was a shy girl. I didnt really fight back, I was scared of her. You arent supposed to be scared of guardians, step or not it was her responsibility to be a parent figure. I lived in that house for four years.

Relieved I left and moved back to my moms house, leaving my friends, and a place I lived in longer than any other. Some might call it running away, I dont really care. To this day our relationship, in short terms sucks. I am still hurt by her. I am hurt that my dad stuck his head in a bottle and ignored it. I am hurt that he chose her over me. That he didnt protect me.

After moving to my moms house, with her husband of six months, things got better. I left ends loose with my dad. It took one final fight for me to move permanently, one fight about me crying on the telephone to my mom. The court didnt see her fit to care for me at the time, but I was old enough to decide for myself. My dad had practically told me in his drunken haze to get out. I did. I was sick of it. My younger sister moved with me. My younger sister who was treated more of a daughter from my father and stepmother than I. It ticked me off that she would be treated better despite the fact that biologically she didnt know her father. They seemed happy enough without us.

Two months later my step mom parked the car up on the sidewalk, making my biggest fear come true. She climbed out of the car attempting to guilt me. My mom, step dad, sister and I were living with my step grandma. She started yelling at me. I was so scared I couldnt move. I tried to but ever time I stepped she would yell. She told me how cruel I was, to leave my dad who cried every night since I left. She told me how stupid I was to leave. She scolded me for moving an hour away in the hood of our city. She told me everything I already felt guilty about. She trenched up everything I buried deep within. I just stood their motionless tears streaming down my burning cheeks. Finally she left, and I cried, I cried because I didnt mean to hurt anyone. I cried because my making things better had backfired, as usual. I then stormed in the house crying, screaming, I was hysterical. I couldnt help it. My mom told me it was ok. I knew she was lying to make me feel better. Her childhood wasnt lollipops and daisies either, Im sorry that she didnt learn from it like I have.

I practiced writing a letter about how I feel to my dad, I never could send one. Four months from that day on the sidewalk two doors away from my house my dad called. My sister had been visiting every second weekend. I hid in the house holding my breath till they were gone. He called and told me I was coming to Disneyland with the family. I obliged just glad he didnt sound mad, grouchy that it took so long for him to forgive me, or in that case bribe me. The trip was two weeks in a motor home. Not as bad as I had thought it would be. I dont remember much. They didnt force me to talk, I dont think my step mom mentioned the outburst that day. I am surprised to this day that they hadnt interrogated me, usually they wouldve. I was a stress case by the time I got home so nerved by being in such a small space with the two people I despised.

I visited an odd weekend here and there. Spent a Christmas with my dad while my step mom and stepbrother went to Disneyland again without my younger sister or I. Again I was feeling the wrath of my truly evil stepmother spoiling her son. He came back with loads of toys and clothing, bought us a couple outfits that I pretended to like. She still really didnt, and to this day doesnt know me. I did home schooling for my grade eleven year. Two years after I moved away. I was having trouble coping with my issues. It got better. Not the relationship of my step mom, dad or I but my feelings. To this day I am scarred by it. I allow myself to think of it as something to grow from, something to learn from. I will never forget it, and one day I will forgive them.

I fear to have kids, fear that I could turn out anything like them. I have never been mad at my mom she was going through her own stressful time. She was coping how she knew. The court gave her no other choice. Aside from that fact she moved two hundred miles to be close to my sister and I. She is happy now, finally finding a man that cares for us. I hope this just goes to show you how awful things can get. Being a kid it is tough. Especially when youre faced with ultimatums a child shouldnt have to face.

So I realize you will all say my situation was a little out there. You gotta understand that if you fool around with it too much it can get this bad. Kids are kids, they need nuturment, they need love. If you can give them that you are well off. If you can't maybe you should back off and not make things any worse. Children don't understand the tit for tat thing, they indeed don't need any of that stupidity in their lives. You rub off on them, and what you do could affect who they will be. Being an ADULT comes with responsibility, and if you aren't ready for it then your relationship might not be worth it. As tiring as it gets there has gotta be some good, just a little that is worth the pain. If not you aren't ready to be a step-parent.

mack,

finally, somebody understands what I am trying to say. thank you.

Raek! welcome back,you've been gone for a little bit. And I never didnt understand where you were coming from. You know my situation,I know yours...we have both agreed that circumstances are different since every situation is different. I really do agree alot with all that was said on both this "bill of rights" and the stepmother one. although I still say to have a "bill of rights" isnt really the right thing to do when most of it should be common sense and some of it doesnt apply or shouldnt apply in certain situations.
I honestly do think MOST people try the hardest in these situations and to judge either way without knowing all the details is wrong.

The SP's on here who post comments "PROTECTING" SK's.These SP's have not had to deal with BAD SK's. It's like a doctor diagnosing your vehicle.There is an exception and that is called a SAINT, in which I have not seen one yet. Bottom line: No one should speak on a subject they have no experience in...