Backstabbing Adult Stepchildren

ericsdarlin

I'm not at all sure what approach I should take with this. I don't even know if I'm just plain wrong to feel as I do or not.

I have four grown stepchildren. I've tried very hard for 10 years to encourage their father to stay in touch with them, be there for them, etc. I walk on egg shells in my own home because if I say or do anything that can be misconstrued....it is. They NEVER say anything to my face (or my husband's); but they pick apart everything I do.

If their Dad makes a decision they don't like it's because I brainwashed him. If I'm not available for them at their whim I'm terrible. (I fix their computers for nothing, give them computer components, make huge family meals every time we get together, etc.) The youngest (only girl) exaggerates things and I end up a bad guy. For example, she has a very bad rash around her mouth. It actually looks as thought it could scar it's so bad. She and her "like a sister" girlfriend stopped by and I asked her if she needs help paying for a doctor to get it looked at. I told her I was afraid she'd get infection or scar or worse. She said she had plenty of $ and the subject dropped. Two weeks later I find out that I "jumped all over her in front of people" and embarrassed her. I had no right because I'm not her mother. Blah, Blah, Blah. I raised this child from the time she was 8 years old because her mother is mentally ill. She's now 19 and all of a sudden I can't ask her if she needs our financial help for a medical condition.

None the less, I find out that (with the exception of one of the kids) this has been the status quo for years. Basically I'd better please them or I'm the worst person in the world.

What do you think? What should I do about these ungrateful, backstabbing brats?

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Amy Young

ibohman45 Our situations sound very similar. My children's father is also deceased. My husband is also very quick to tell me what I am doing wrong with my children and to say things to them. I agree I wish he would call his own children out on their behavior but he will not. They know they have total control of him and they use it. I also agree that these damaged kids are a result of the BP's.

Parker25mv I have never said a cross word to either of my husbands kids. They will both admit that. I have never corrected them or tried to parent them. They were in college when I met them. Both their BP are alive and well. I have always included them in our lives. The door has never swung both ways. My husband admits that his children have never and will never accept someone in his life. His answer is that this is just who they are and they will never change. His daughter did not speak to her father for 3 years because he dared to try to take his wife to dinner with her. She wrote him a nasty email saying that she would not be subjected to dinner with his wife. She also went on to tell him what a failure he is as a father, husband(to her mother) and christian. We were going to visit my husbands mother a couple hours from where we live. His daughter said she wanted to go. She had not bothered to see her grandmother for 6 years. She refused to ride in the car with me. She is out of college, she is not a child. If I still wanted to go I had to drive my own car. She got her way. His son is the same way. I am not allowed to go skiing if the son is going. The son will not allow it. My husband goes along with it. If my husband and I are going skiing and his son wants to go then Husband guilts me into not going. Son was going to get lasik surgery. Paid for by dad. Son is 30 years old and had good job. (he has since been fired from 3rd job. They say he doesn't work well with others) Son threw a temper tantrum because husband asked me to go with them. Husband drove me clear home because son was mad I was there

His daughter is now married. He husband is welcome to be part of everything. Daughter will allow him to go to dinner with her Dad. I am not allowed. Son has girlfriend. She is allowed to go skiing with him and Dad. I am not allowed.


I have reached the point where I am no longer going to put myself into any situation with his kids. I will not be attending anything with them. I also will no longer invite them into my life. I do not want a relationship with them. I never had one and I no long want one. Husband is free to go with his kids on his own with out me. Why should someone keep putting themselves in abusive situations just because it is their spouses really messed up kids? I tried for 12 years. I am done trying.

Husband created this situation. It is on his back. If he would have stood up to them from the beginning it would not be like this. My husband is a coward to his children. The funny part is that they are so verbal abusive to him also. They do not respect him. They use him. They all call that Love.

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justoverit

Amy Young. That is the same too. His daughter won't do anything if I go. She is so abusive and manipulating to him that he thinks that is ok. I think we live the same life!! I am getting close to done and it has only took me 2 years.

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Amy Young

I don't know why these men are this way. I don't know if it is guilt or what. My husband is not the one who asked for the divorce in his marriage to his kids mother. Are you going to stay in the marriage and just stop doing things with his kids?


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justoverit

Amy Young I don't know either but guilt seems the reason to me too. My mate didn't ask for the divorce either. I am staying, because when it is my son , him and I things are good. He is a very good man. Just not gonna worry over these kids and the relationship. If the daughter wants one then ok. Otherwise I am not investing in the toxic mess of it. Just saying I am done trying with the kid already in 2 years. I offered today to have a group sit down to clear the air as she has been home for summer break one week and already several issues. Up to him to make that happen. Up to her to say her peace. Will let you know if it happens and how it goes. But I am not holding my breathe. Lol

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Amy Young

ibohman45 That is why I stay also. When it is just Him, me and my kids it is great. They have always treated him with respect. So it works out well. Sitting down with my husband kids is not even an option. Husband even says so. He told me today that I have always tried to get along with his kids and bent over backwards. He says they will never be accepting of me. That is who they are. His daughter is having a baby in October. Husband wants to be around his grandchild and we both know that his daughter will never allow me near her child. This will make it even more difficult. It must be very hard for you with her living in the house with you. I don't know how you even begin to handle that. You must feel very isolated. It is very sad when the relationship with the husband can be so good without all the extra drama. It is so sad that these people have the power to cause so much sadness in a marriage. Keep in touch we can be each other support. It always helps to have someone who understands and is in same situation.

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justoverit

Amy Young,

It isn't fun. Right before she comes back I get nervous and worried how it is going to go. I feel very disrespected when she is around. She will not speak to me, walk past me and my son and never say hi or how are you. I can make food for dinner that is her favorite and she won't say thank you or it was good. She eats, and then leaves the table. However, she will only eat with us once in a while. Most of the time she stays in her room and avoids us all. Even her Dad. She will not eat or come out for long periods of time to not have to even see us. My friend came for a visit that lasted a week and never seen her at all and they were there the whole time together. My friend asked me are you sure she is here? I showed her the light under the door was on so yep she is here just dodging us all. She went over 12 hours in her room and didn't eat or drink anything until we all went to bed. Then I heard her in the kitchen. That is crazy to me. She really needs some mental health. She is very passive aggressive with me and her father for being with me. The part that amazes me is that he doesn't seem to mind it. He doesn't confront her or tell her how her behavior is hurting him. She treats us all like we are invisible and not worth wiping her feet on while she is there. Most of the time we just live like we do and let her stew to herself. But for some reason this trip home he is all about her being happy and into giving her even more power. She told him that we all hate her and she feels not wanted and was all emotional with him. So now he is all about making her feel wanted. Though I have asked her to do stuff with us and was told no..." I wouldn't be comfortable spending time together we are not a family." I have made her food per her request. She said," I don't tell my mother thank you I am not telling you thank you especially when you demand it from me. " I have tried to ask her what she would like from me and was told, " If I lived with a roommate at school that I didn't like I would want them to treat me like I treat them. Just to leave me alone and not talk to me." Then on another occasion she said," she doesn't answer me cause she has nothing nice to say and she is trying to be nice and that I annoy her." I told him I have tried to be nice she has pushed me away repeatedly. If she feel that way it is because she made it that way. Even my son holds the door for her. Is polite to her. She doesn't even acknowledge him. It is a very touchy summer with this going on everyday. I try to not let it get to me but it does at times. I just keep saying she wont live with us forever. But I can see down the road and don't want the same thing like you have now to happen. I don't want it to be a you or me thing with her. I was hoping that we can atleast be kind and polite and accept each person's place here so we aren't doing everything apart later. I fear that is the future. I know my partner will hate it too. He and his ex are not friendly and that will make it worse to not have me with him. But I feel unless he doesn't something now while there might be time it won't matter. My son too is very respectful and my mate does lots of things with him because gets treated better by him than his own kids. I sent that request for a meeting this morning as of yet no response. I guess like most touchy things it will be ignored like a ostrich with his head in the sand hoping it all goes away on its own. Thank for listening and understanding, cause you know there isn't any at home on the matter.

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Kim Aves

Here is a good link entitled: 10 Stepmonster Myths We Need to Bust Now: http://www.writtenvoices.com/article_display.php?article_id=872
Particularly interesting, Bottom line: when there is conflict between a stepmother and a stepchild, look to mom or dad to understand why.

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justoverit

Thank you Kim Aves,

That is a very helpful article for my mental health. I think I will share it with my mate for what it worth. I truly believe the strain between me and the Adult step daughter is her relationship with her father and the anger she holds. The divorce was nasty so there is a you have to take sides kind of situation. I do think it is easier to abuse me then be mad at her dad, even though the mother wanted the divorce.

BTW Amy Young.... not a word about the idea to sit down together. But I was told how to make her salad for dinner. Though I said I am not acting like the mother and doing things for her as a adult if there is no respect for the efforts. I am not heard by my mate or her.

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justoverit

So the summer has escalated out of control. No talks, no limits, no control. She has yelled and cussed her father all summer. Blames him for everything she thinks is wrong. She has been passive aggressively doing things to get the better of me. I have come to believe the issues are deep and need a mental health therapy for sure. Atleast we are done to a few weeks and school starts. Just holding on to my sanity here.

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Rosa

You all criticize your stepchildren for their immaturity. You chose this. They had no choice. Be adults. Act with dignity.

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colleenoz

That's all very well Rosa, but this thread is about _adult_ stepchildren, so it behoves them to behave as adults and with dignity also. We all have to deal with situations we did not choose, often on a daily basis. It's all part of being a grown up.

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Southern Summer

LBohman, your SD is 20 and beginning her fourth and hopefully final year of college. She is an adult. Isn't it time to end these "visits", which are disruptive to both your lives? If she doesn't want to be there, then she should spend her summer elsewhere. It is time for a reality check here. When my teenage step kids, now 31 and 34, were rude and nasty on family vacations, we didn't invite them back. When they created chaos at our home, they went to live with their mother. My rude step daughter got a student apartment and attended summer school. There is no reason to perpetuate the chaos. If she can't behave like an adult, she needs to make other plans for her summer and for her weekends. Rosa is correct... She didn't choose this. She should choose an alternative arrangement; let her find a plan B. She is an adult. Live with Mom, summer school, friends, or a job and an apartment with a few roommates. Who is forcing this? It's time to grow up.

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justoverit

Rosa1875. I agree that these adults did not have a choice or much of a choice in the matter of the lives of others. I have had many times I had no choice in events in my life. I have acted with dignity as like it sounds that all the others have too. If you read, these people and myself have been nice, kind, patient, accepting, and enduring for years waiting on them to act with dignity and be adults. We are all doing the best we can living with people who are making choices we didn't ask for either. However, it does not give anyone the right to abuse someone else. These are delicate, sensitive matters that are very complicated most of the time. This is a support stream for those of us who are trying to keep the peace or need helpful advice from those who walked this road already. Peace to you as it sounds like situation is fine.

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justoverit

southernlights,

yes she is about to begin her last year of school and I would love to be able to say she isn't welcome to stay here any longer. This situation is one that we can't due to court rules she has to be here until she finishes 4 years of college/21. Her B M kicked her out and gave up custody to her father. She doesn't seem to have friends that I can tell. In 4 years I have only known of 2 and have only seen them each once. Her Relationship with her BF ( 5years now) is very weird and doesn't seem to be progressing to marriage or cohabitation. Lol. So we are stuck with her until next spring. Which I hope that her father will be more direct and demanding of behavior. She is burning up bridges over the last few years and doesn't seem to care who she hurts. No one is enforcing anything and it does make me crazy. I don't think it helps to turn a eye and act like things are ok. But that is where her father is at this point. I guess I can only ride along. Like I stated we are good together and things with my son are good. I just keep holding out that time is pushing her out when the legal matters expire. I am very glad you could send the kids elsewhere and that your mate was able to see the trouble. Some of the issues here is her father cant or won't see the trouble. It is a long story. I am hanging in there for now. The good is much better than the time she is here.

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Kay Arnett

I was living with my then boyfriend, about to break up, when his ex dumped his 5 y/o daughter, Sue, off on our porch and said she wasn't allowed back in her house. Knowing that he couldn't care for her alone, I stayed and tried to make things work. Things were crowded so we bought a house. I got pregnant, so we got married. Our marriage was horrible because he was on drugs. The fighting was constant. He began going out every night and slept on the sofa. Meanwhile I worked full-time and cared for the kids. Through the years, Sue had very limited contact with her mother. I called her my daughter and she called me Mom. I went to her school functions, and did all the things any mother would do. My husband and I stayed together until his death, 27 years later. After that, our family drifted apart. Sue moved back home for awhile, but eventually moved out of state. In subsequent years, we became distant from each other. There was an occasional phone call or text, but mostly contact was infrequent. It's now been 12 years since my husband died. About a year ago, Sue's mother came back into her life. She apologized for what she did to her and her apology was accepted. A month ago Sue got married. Her mother attended the wedding as "Mother Of The Bride", and I was her "Mom". Her mother was first in photos taken, sat in the front row at the ceremony as well as the table next to the bride, and was introduced after me at the reception (the procession is least important to most important). Needless to say, my heart was broken. Although our relationship had drifted, I still felt that she was my daughter and that her "real mother" didn't deserve a role in the wedding. I don't begrudge Sue for inviting her. However, I couldn't believe that Sue had not only included her as part of the wedding party, but gave her a role more importantly than mine. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive her for hurting me this way. Are my feelings justified or am I totally off base?

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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry.

Weddings are emotional rituals, & this girl doesn't sound any different from any other bride-focused on her own desires, her own feelings.

Since the 2 of you had drifted apart, maybe she felt like she had been abandoned once again, & the return of her bio-mom was like a rescue.

Sometimes when long-lost relatives surface, it's because they really do want to have a connection with a loved one, but in my increasingly cynical view, often it's because they've exhausted their supply of whatever they need & they need a new source of supply.

(One of my old neighbors was elated when her mother re-appeared in her life & was crushed when she realized that her mother had learned through the family grapevine that she, the daughter, had a nice house with an extra bedroom & had a paycheck sufficient to keep the mother in booze & cigarettes.)

Time may be the only thing that will cure this;

make some contact, but don't "try too hard"-just enough so that Sue knows you're still there for her.

She may leap from triumph to triumph, but she may have some hard truths to face, & it would be better if she knows that your "drift" wasn't permanent.

I wish you, & Sue, the best.

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lornalavender

Wow some of these are so sad. My two young adult stepchildren are people that I love. And sometimes that's a choice. Divorce hurts our kids and we live in a world of lashing out so it's really no surprise that that can happen in your lives. But they have a mom and a dad and then there's me and I call them my bonus kids. None of us are perfect people but I refuse to let negativity fuel my mind. We're all going to do what we're going to do and at the end of the day it's our bad if we sin against someone else, but not our bad if they're not choosing to actively love us back. Let love come out of you and you'll take it back in. My biological daughter is dear and precious and respects both of her bonus siblings but she is also a young adult. I expect nothing from them other than human decency like you would a friend or acquaintance. Ask Jesus to help and I promise you he will.

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justoverit

Must be nice to get human decency from them. I wish it was as easy as just loving because I did that. I was by the sd to not talk to her, that she wants no relationship with me. I would gladly settle for just human decency. That sounds like heaven!!!

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Southern Summer

Jesus has graciously helped me to get them completely out of my kind and out of my life.

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Southern Summer

"Mind".

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mvrtwisted

Dignity

All these parents and step parents have dignity. They are pleading for a solution. I too am in same boat. So you know I tried for two years. And our choice is to leave them, we have our own little family. If they the step children want to behave that way to ruin the father's marriage or the mother's marriage then those kids go back to that mother or father that they don't have a problem with. Cuz your right too much drama, too much disrespect.

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mvrtwisted

Rosa July 13 2016

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Ludy Dacier-westerband

I am also the evil Stepmother.. practically raising the kid since she was 8 - 16. My time ..my money.. my energy to help my husband who had some custody of a child that biologically wasn't his. But emotional was from his previous marriage.. Mom didn't bother to fight for custody of the child. Left with another man .. and moved far away... My husband took this child as his own did the best he could. And she at 16 1/2 says I'm to blame for all her problems. For her failure all thru middle School till she was kicked out of high school.. for her stealing from a store while she was with us after we took her and her friend out to eat my husband and I... She left the house to stay with her friend and load off her friend and her friends mother cause she says she can take care of herself... But yet has to audacity to use my washer and dryer to wash her and her friends laundry... Expect my husband to still drive her around to her appointments.. She has no gratitude for all we did for her.. cause I'm to blame. I told her straight up.. you make your choice to have me as your enemy.. so be it. Don't expect anything else out of me... I have my 2other bio kids to worry about. I treated all 3 equally.. lie ...steal.. smoke.. stay out late ... Have your fill. I'm done raising you.. I'm just waiting to be fully recovered from my graves disease and my Husband and I are moving out of this state. She planted her roots in rocks see how long that lasts ..

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pamelap1997

Drama drama drama is all we get from my husbands children 18 and 23. Their mom has dumped them on everyone but us. We wanted custody when they were young because she iand her husband are manipulative self centered backstabbing people. Unfortunately, now the step kids are exactly the same. My husband and I did a fantastic job with my children who are successful thriving independent young adults. They love my husband and are respectful in every way. His ex is so jealous she has even run background checks on my children trying to find dirt on them. It's sickening! My parents paid for them to go on a family trip with my entire family, all 33 of us, and they ran back to their mommy with lies about things that were never said to them...disgusting, jealous human beings they've sadly become. My daughter was married two week ago and she made the hard decision not to include them.~Worried about the drama they would cause. I am so sick of it all i sometimes dream of being alone with my amazing family and friends but at the same time still think i can change the situation. Their mom basically abandoned them one week after HS graduation with no concern whatsoever as to how unprepared she has made them for the real world. We live 5hrs. From where they grew up, she took them away to once again fulfill her dreams of owning a bar....we did what we could but were constantly shut down at every turn. Why on earth did she even want them? $$$ probably the motivating factor.

I now just see them as little as possible and have a great therapist to help so i am not dragging my children into this ridiculous situation

I highly encourage professional help so you have an outsiders perspective


It has definitely helped us :^))


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mvrtwisted

To further exsplain my situation

I met my husband who was my boyfriend at the time. My husband had to give his only car to his eldest son cuz he wouldn't return it after borrowing it, and this car is not a corvet, but it was maintain, New tires a Honda. Those are great cars when you keep up the maintenance. This son of his in two years time comes back to tell him, your car isn't worth anything. Oh my god, really. Ok kid, you didn't pay for a car, you took it and then wouldn't give it back. I had to pay for my car at 17. Now it's crap cuz you damaged it, and didn't keep up the maintenance. Then now this 20 yrs old has all our furniture that was given to us as a wedding gift. The youngest of his kid is 16 he's sonethi g else as well. He says he doesn't want me to be his mother. I'm the ki d if person I am kind. I open thedoor, I great you, I ask would you like something to drink, or eat. Or it was my husband's birthday, I made him a oven baked salmon with mango and sweet potato with steamed aspargus. Now his boys were with us. How can I just feed my husband and not his boys too. So I fed them too. How is this wrong?????? And for 2 yrs they both are fake. Not liking me the step mom when I did nothing. They say now to their father, oh your running away from us. Well hell yes cuz your all about how much?, is it worth anything? What can you give me? They take take take its never enough. They had a birthday couple months back, we gave them money. But just last week they said it wasn't enough. My husband and I have a baby boy, and these ungrateful step kids of mine couldn't even wish him a happy birthday. That's all I would love to hear or shoot me a text. Nope, didn't get that either. I point out to my husband I know their your boys, but honestly we have been living for them and we can't do that anymore. We have to live for our family. Your ex wife got you for child support, and your boys took everything of ours that we paid for and now they want your clothes. I'm sorry we need to step away from them. I moved first with our son, then my husband followed. I don't think they will ever change, but I do not want my you fest son picking up bad behavior from those brats.

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mvrtwisted

Justoverit- understanding that this is a huge difficult situation divorced and all. My step kids their parents were divorce for 4 years before I came into the picture. And I was fresh off the farm divorced. My daughter choosed to be with her father, cuz all her friends and boyfriend was in Oklahoma. I moved away to Ohio, I could not stay in Oklahoma seeing my ex-husband with his mistress. My eldest son was moved out and in college. So I came into the picture detached. I have been married to my second husband for 2 yrs. I never made his kids like me, but I demanded respect. They respected me for a little bit, then they started disrespecting their father. His ex-wife was furious when we got married although she was already married for 4 years to get man that she was caught havi g an affair with. So I would think 4 yrs is enough to move on. Then his kids said if you have a baby with her, we'll disown you. Really.wow.......I'm a giving person.

I give to my kids........and I give to his kids. And all I would appreciate is respect, consideration, and responsibility. Nope can't get that either. Here's the kicker, the oldest has a girlfriend who goes to school, between her and his two son send out a fake email with my name in the beginning. Saying to leave me the hell alone. But they didn't know I just spoke with my husband earlier that day. And my husband put a tracker on it, it came back from the girlfriends school ip address. Can we say deceitful.......

Needless to say my daughter from my 1st marriage lived with me for 8 months. She went back to her father.

She and my 2nd husband did not get along. And she didn't care much for my baby. She was super jealous. But I spoiled all my kids.......she's 16 Now. She said if you have another baby it better not be a girl. I'm the only girl.

She finally came out with the truth, she said she never really wanted to be with me cuz she likes her freedom she gets when she's with her father. In too strict. I had her cuz I had to get her off the booze, drugs, cigs, sex and running away. And I got her on the vape.......does it hurt me that she's not with me. In a little sad.......But She does not want to be helped to change her ways, to have a future. So I'll just be a mother from far away.

So it really pissed me off when Rosa said that we need to have dignity for ourselves. All parents have this......But it doesn't help when the ex-wife speaks ill of their father and put down his new wife. Its not my fault that he actually is IN LOVE with me. Your married now to your man that you had caught in an affair and you married him so be happy with him and get over it.

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justoverit

I would love to say that things have improved at our home. They have not. SD is out of school now and home full time. All of her job interviews have not produced a job yet. Things have gotten worse with her and I, her and her dad, her and the world. She is so full of hate and anger at everyone. That is clear. I do see a therapist to talk through things.... that helps. I have come to terms with the fact until she wants something different things won't change. The ball is in her court now and was all along. It seems the longer I am around the madder they get. At this time both the step son and daughter do not want me talking to them at all. They just want me to do motherly things like cook and shop but they do not want to say thanks or even have a polite verbal exchange, I kid you not that they do not even make eye contact or acknowledge my existents. They are to the point of no longer speaking to their dad much either well until they want or need something then they talk to him. I have told them both that I am here and open to having a relationship if they want it. Of course, not motherly as they have one, and I made that clear too. I have made it clear that I am open to a relationship with their mother as well. I have reached the point to not care or worry about it any more. Their dad chose me... I chose him. I hoped for a happy adjusted family, but we have this. If they want it... I will be open to it. Since they want to kick me for all the wrongs in their world then I am not open to anything from them. I could go on and on with the nasty things that were said and done to me, my son, and my partner.... but that won't make it stop. The three of us, just go on with our lives happy and have the door open for them to join if they want. Otherwise kiss my butt and stay away. LOL It is what it is... I chose to no longer hold any of the responsibility or worry over it. I wish you all well with it.... it is so sad that people would rather be nasty and have their parents be alone and sad then happy for them to be with someone that is good to them! Even more so when their other parent did want them anymore! Life teaches hard lessons... let the learning begin!

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mvrtwisted

Agreed........just let the step kids who hate, hate, hate be in their own little world. And we just step away from that, don't need the drama. Would rather be around positive, h appy people. Then drama........they'll see for themselves when it happens to them.

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trawarren

Adult step children are the worst. My husband has a 23 year old daughter with a 3 year old son. We have been married 4 1/2 years. This daughter clearly needed a way to demand attention so she got pregnant. This baby has been dumped on us every weekend - holiday - time she wants to go out. I DONT want to raise a freaking baby. I HATE that I am stuck with a whining crying toddler. I don't understand why he feels like this is an every weekend activity. Talk about enabling. She claims she needs to go to work on a Friday night- but all night ? Really? And all day Saturday ? She is partying throughout the weekend and we are babysitting

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colleenoz

Have you discussed this with your husband? What does he say? If he thinks it's fine, in your shoes I would head for a hotel or a friend's place every weekend when this happens and leave him to take responsibility for his grandie. See how long that lasts :-)

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justoverit

Trawarren I agree with Colleen. I think having other plans on the weekend would be a good way to let him tire of taking care of the grandchild. Once he is on his own with the mess.... he won't clean it up. Besides you need to have a life and fun... grab some girlfriends, do a weekend get away.


This whole step child crap is crazy, but I have read, researched, and screamed. You can not change the kid, adult or not. You can not change the bio-parent ... you can only change your reaction to it or change the place you live. It has slightly gotten better here with my mate on the issues she brings. She has really hurt him being home full time and he can't deny or make excuses for it like before. My step off approach now too and I no longer lift a finger for her helps too. She hasn't had dinner here since Father's Day and she lives here!! She is nasty to everyone one and that is a problem she has. Not me. She or the son did nothing for Father's Day. No card, no gift, no time with him. Keep in mind he just came home from major surgery on Saturday!!! Neither of them even called to ask how he was while he was in the hospital for 3 days. He couldn't excuse this anymore once it was happening to him clearly and not a me thing. So when your man gets a big dose of being taken advantage of he'll change it. Walk away but not with a bitterness but a happiness to go have fun and that he could come anytime he is free! ; ). Hang in there guys!! Karma will make things right.

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trawarren

I have discussed it with him and he thinks he needs to help her- not sure why. And I do often leave at least for the evening and go to a movie or a friends. What makes me the most upset is that if I had known there was going to be a baby in my house every weekend- I would not have gotten married. Baby will be here tomorrow

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trawarren

Thanks guys- I glad I found this chat- I'm glad there ARE other people who understand. I had no idea adult children could be so demanding and needy. I had no idea that I was giving up my weekends. And I will take your advice and keep on making Friday night plans!

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justoverit

Have a good time! Let him know how much fun your having too. You married him for a reason and try to hang on to that. Have a great weekend!!

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Kay Arnett

If I had it to do over, I would run like the wind as soon as he told me he had kids. Stepchildren ruin relationships, whether they are your kids or his.

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trawarren

Agreed 100%. Other people's kids will ruin your relationship. I would not do it again

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Jennifer Clanton

I also would not remarry again. I can't stand my step children. They have been drama from day 1. Both disrespectful and so self absorbed. I wonder if this marriage will last. When his kids aren't around, our life with my children and his 5 year old is great. It's one of unity and a family. But the moment the 16 and 18 year old come around, it's hell!!!!

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peaceful101

Well, I see that we all belong to a club, we rather ignore. I am in the same situation.

However after 8 years of trying to connect with extremely spoiled stepchildren (especially the girl) and create a family unit, I have thrown in the towel by making it clear that I am no longer participating in family functions. I have decided that there is "their family" and their father and I. In my case, I also have a protective aunt who is babying his children and enabling the backstabbing.

I have since learned that the 28 year-old daughter thinks that I have taken her daddy away from her. The funny thing is that when I am away on a weekend or few nights a week for work related business, she never calls nor visits her father; only when she needs something from him.

After all when I came into their father's life, they were all adults and I expected them to behave as such, that was a mistake. Two years ago, when I made it clear that I was distancing myself from the "family" that did not bring me any joy but resentment and grief, I made it clear that the door is always open if they wanted to have a relationship with their father (the daughter has never visited.)

I also told my husband about my decision and encouraged him to stay connected with his children and family but to leave me out of it. He understood, having witnessed their behaviors toward me. I also secretly had the hope that by connecting deeper with their father, they will warm up to me seeing how happy we are but they have chosen to be resentful. Their loss.

My point is: if they are unable to have a deep, connected relationship with their father, how can they have a relationship with you?

I am now at peace and made the mental decision to not spend so much time thinking about individuals who do so little for me. Honestly, have no expectations from them, except to be their nasty selves, love and support your husband, spend your energy on people who appreciate you. Enjoy life.

* I know easier said then done but in my case it seems to be working. By asking them to please deny my own existence, they have no longer control over my emotions. I am in control, I chose whom I want in or out. The backstabbing appears to have ended or if it hasn't, it got old very fast. Anyhow, I don't care anymore. It's liberating, try it lol.

All the best to all,

B.

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trawarren

Not caring helps- and it is this awful daughter. You are right about the two separate relationships- he and I, and then he and them.

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peaceful101

Deep down, I am a very caring and loving person but when you are constantly on your guard after years of backstabbing, you end up becoming someone you don't like. For my mental well being and relationship with my husband, I had to make that decision. At first I struggled with it but it was the best decision ever! I am at peace. Like my friend said, it's their loss.

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oceanlover5846

I have been there and still going through it after 29 years. No matter what I do. His kids will NOT call him, or anything. His youngest son whom is almost 44 made constant digs at me on Facebook to the point that my husband now ignores him and I have removed him as a FB friend. It was incredible the stuff that he was saying and for the world to read. False things. And even went as far to try and woo his father into coming to live with him in Wyoming and I was like WTF? The last straw was the stepdaughter whom recently got married for the 2nd time. We have yet to see her since we moved back to Florida from Vegas. She has made no effort to see her father. She invited us to her wedding, I was surprised. I told my husband that would be the proper thing for them to do is to introduce us to her soon to be husband,etc, before we go to her wedding. I mean its the proper and right thing to do,is it not? He agreed and wanted to meet him BEFORE the actual wedding. And told her. And not one effort on her end. Suddenly no communication from her,etc and because of it, we didn't go to her wedding. No one really did, no one in the family, not even her brother or mother. But, she vented and blamed me! I was like what? All we did is ask that we meet him. She called on Father's Day, what a surprise and started ragging on him about me and he denied that she was bitching about me. Really? He kept saying No, and, that's not true. Repeatedly.

He lives in pain because his kids do NOT keep in touch nor try to see him. He could pass for one of those clowns with the really long, sad face. Its awful. Thank God we have our daughter. She stays in touch and tries to see us. She is the only one that seems to truly care.


My husband had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. I try to make sure he stays healthy and all. But the attitude and treatment of his kids make that very difficult. He is eating away the pain. He is going to be 79 soon and these kids just don't get it. He will NOT be around forever.


In the early stages of our marriage, we ALL lived together and I even had his father living with us. The oldest daughter, the one that remarried, made life a living hell from the get go. She would whine and say her father wasn't giving her things anymore,etc and it was so far from the truth. I was the one doing the giving and buying and treating and going to school things because of his job. But it was never enough and like I didn't exist. I did it ALL. I bought them birthdays and Christmas gifts,etc, I even took her to get her drivers license for the first time.

And to this day, the HATE is still there. Amazing, even their mother made things worse and called them on our wedding date. You think I'd broken up their marriage when I didn't. He had been divorced from her for 12 years before I came into the picture.


Nothing I did and even to do this day and I am so glad my daughter has witness many of their treatment towards me and now her father. She knows. They don't consider her family. When he had his heart attack and surgery, we'd been divorced. I flew into Vegas to care for him. His youngest son after 10 years of absolutely NO CONTACT with his own father, waltzed right into the hospital and suddenly my name was off of the contact list. I was lucky to have a nurse that understood and let me talk to him while he recovered. He'd asked me to come and care for him and I did.

This so called son, while his father was in the hospital recovering from a triple bypass surgery, drove to Utah to look at a motorcycle! I couldn't believe it! His father had been on life support and he left to go look a stupid motorcycle?!?!?!

But before all that happened, they were gleaning info out from my daughter and then shutting her out. That was the agenda, the son thought he'd swoop right on in in case "Pops" died and he'd be there to get everything and keep it from my daughter and myself.

I flew in to care for him and before I knew it, we were getting remarried. I am glad I did because I wanted to make sure he wasn't being taken advantage of by them. As they clearly were trying to. He sadly finally caught on and realized what they were doing and gave up.

The lies and all that were coming out of their mouths and saying things to my daughter when she knew full well the truth. Because she herself had witnessed it growing up and seeing how they were towards me. She even confronted her father and asked him WHY he never stood up for me? Because he's a coward and was afraid of losing them.

Its so sad to see his pain. They want him to leave me before they will talk. He won't do it. I and my daughter have been there for him, her father. They have not. I had to ask friends on Facebook, if what I reading from the youngest son, were digs or not?

They said they were clear digs at me. The oldest daughter was just using her father to see what she could get from him. The oldest son, hardly hear from him, he was adopted by my husband during his 2nd marriage.

Its just awful how kids can be. Its funny, now the oldest daughter is making comments about her sons on Facebook and their lack of communication with her. My husband read it and laughed and said she is now learning and seeing what its like. KARMA.



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peaceful101

Sorry oceanlover5846 for what you have to go through dealing with spoiled and conniving stepchildren. Please know that what I have learned from my situation is that those adult children are MISERABLE and misery loves company. They simply hate the fact that you are happy and make their father happy (thing they cannot do), the worst thing you can do to them.

Like I said in my post: Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions. It's my mantra. Distance yourself from the drama and concentrate on your husband and daughter, they are the ones who deserves your full attention.

Best,

B.

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lornalavender

Just work on being an acquaintance and friend and forget about receiving or getting anything from them just put out. Refill your vessel with prayer and love and let it rest. All of this negative energy just creates a bigger problem and you can all feel better if that goes away. Another thing it's kept alive all that negativity by feelings of guilt or shame or inadequacy so be confident and positive in your life and love and let this go. They've already been harmed by divorce, they already have a mom and a dad, it's not a contest. I know I'm being blunt here as I have two bonus children myself, but all of this angst is so not worth it.

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peaceful101

Tried being an acquaintance and friend for close to 8 years until I got backstabbed by the daughter and their aunt. Won't get into details but they were seemingly playing games and I got caught in the middle when I wasn't even a participant. Unbeknownst to me, the news of what I have "apparently" done was shocking to me since I have tried to keep the peace in that family for years by staying neutral and accommodating. There is not reasoning with miserable individuals. I hope you have better luck with the family you inherited.

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Karen Peltier

It is not that simple as concentrating on being an acquaintance and friend. This is what the vast majority of SMs do. Very few SMs marry a man with children intending to pick them off one by one so she can have bio-dad all to herself. Unfortunately, this is a long held stereotype.

Several things come up right away. First of all, there are studies that show the nicer a SM is to her SKs, the more resentment and spite can come from the children. Also, main determiners of how a SM gets along with her SKs includes bio-mom and bio-dad (SM’s husband). If bio-mom is accepting and has moved on herself and bio-dad assures to the SKs that they are to treat his new wife with respect, SM fares far better. Sometimes things can appear to be okay for years and then suddenly, someone in the family gets bitter and starts looking for an easy target, SM, and then next thing you know—SM is evil SM for not making everyone happy.

Also, very few SMs want to be the mom to their SKs. When SKs are over at their dad’s home and dad and his wife (SM) are there, of course SM and dad have a right to set rules in their own home. Dad should take the lead on this, but SM is going to be cooking and cleaning and wiping bloody noses, and so on. These are things that are usually appreciated. However, throw the SM label on the picture, and suddenly SM is a be.atch for trying to take BM’s place. No. SM sees herself first and foremost as her husband’s wife. That is why now I even tend to prefer that term.

This is someone else’s divorce we are talking about. Most SMs had no part at all in the divorce (that is another stereotype—SMs are homewreckers). Why should anyone, much less SM, suck it up and take it every time, even to the point of near-abuse, for what amounts to a situation she never had any involvement in whatsoever? Her only “crime,” being that she fell in love with a divorced man with children. The divorce was a decision made by the bio-parents. Why should SM go around acting like the biblical 2nd wife, and let others set the rules for her and her husband’s household and marriage. BM and bio-dad are parents, yes, but they are not a couple. They are no longer joined at the hip.

I am a believer in prayer and it may help in some situations, but by no means should a SM just suck it up and take it, nor should they be expected to by anyone. SM is not an indentured servant, who only possibly gains her “freedom” when SKs leave that home—and she may not even gain it then. Granted, there are some SM who have it much easier than others due to a higher level of acceptance that was initiated by bio-dad (her husband) AND BM. But, many SMs do not have that, and it is a completely different story.

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peaceful101

So true about the stereotypes placed on us and the fact that we end up scapegoats no matter how hard we tried. I am fortunate that my husband is on my side and realizes his family's dysfunctional behavior.

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justoverit

I agree. I am the problem, the reason, the etc etc etc. just because I am here. Stereo typing is such a true statement. Most of the time he sees it. Almost all the time he does nothing about it. I have come to realize the nicer I am the worse I get treated and pushed away. I can't win so I just don't play anymore. Now I am just trying to decide to quit and not waste anymore time or if it is worth it. Ugh he would be just about perfect if he didn't have kids.

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peaceful101

justoverit, how old are your stepkids? Mine were between 18-23 year-old when I started living with their dad. At the beginning, we almost called it quit due to how nasty they were. Our solution was to put them in an apartment rent free for a full year. He had custody of them. That saved us and taught the adult stepkids the price of things since they were super demanding (used to spend $300/weekly grocery shopping to satisfy their culinary taste) and wasteful. If you don't have kids with your husband, are young or/and can afford to get out, get out. It's not worth your health and mental well-being, especially if you husband is ambivalent about how to discipline his own children. Mine woke up just on time. When he started changing (discipline them), they changed. My relation with his kids is not perfect but today, two of his kids respect me, the daughter is a waste of time.

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oceanlover5846

They were back then, ages 14, 16, and 21. That was almost 30 years ago. And they're still not over it. The youngest son now realizes he crossed a line on Facebook, but that doesn't mean he will stop. The oldest daughter blames me for us not coming to her 2nd wedding. Nope. Their behavior and not talking to their father will continue as long he doesn't stand up for me. He's afraid to because he knows what they're going to do and say. The 14 yr. son is now 43, the 16 yr. oldest daughter is now 46, and the oldest son is soon going to be 49. We have a daughter that is 28. They're resentful of her as well. Their parents had been DIVORCED for 12 years before we met! I am no longer friendly towards them. I no longer will send gifts or birthday cards. Nothing man... that's my motto now. I don't encourage my husband to even THINK or REMEMBER them. Why should I? I used to. What a fool I was. I have a stepmother and no way in hell would we have ever considered treating her this way! And had we tried? My father would have straightened us up FAST! He did once. But I haven't seen my husband do that with his kids and he NEVER will. Our daughter is the only one in communications and see's us,etc. The others make no effort. So, when the time comes and my husbands passes because he is much older and has had heart problems, they will receive nothing and not even be notified. Sound cruel? Look how they're treating him. And me and our daughter. They deserve absolutely nada.


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peaceful101

Sorry oceanlover, I know it's hard and frustrating. I am like you I want nothing to do with them any longer. I tolerate the sons but the daughter is out. I was raised in Europe where we are way more strict with discipline, where, never in a million years, you are to project your resentment or frustrations on another human being. Super disrespectful. I came to the conclusion that my stepdaughter is miserable, mad at her father for "replacing" her with me; therefore her anger is directed at me instead of her father with whom she should be working out her issues.

This is a daughter I have given the moon to when she first moved out, went on trips with, created family traditions to have her get closer to her father. It wasn't enough.

Furthermore, I told my husband that his kids are always welcome in our house and that I encourage him to have a relationship with them but I am out. Ironically, now that the coast is clear, they are communicating even less with him. They don't know how to communicate! How can they communicate with you?

That includes your husband, like mine, I am afraid. My husband has no clue how to talk to his children. He loves them but cannot bring himself to talk about difficult issues. They function on a very superficial level but it's none of my business any longer. I moved on... and happy about it :)

Best.

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Roland Pugh

Avoid them and do nothing for them! As for him he should stand up to them if he loves you. He should tell them stop being so selfish. If they can not accept you and mistreat him then he needs to cut the cord with either them or you.

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justoverit

Peaceful101

His kids were 16, son and 17, daughter. He had been divorced 2 years. Living apart from the mother 3 years. I was not the first person he dated either. Today the SD is almost 22 and the SS is almost 21. I did the whole be patient and give it all time. But the nicer I was the more they push me away. Also, the closer I got to being with their dad full time the more they have been openly nasty. At least the SS doesn't live with us and is a minimal problem. However, in the last 6 months he did tell me to stop talking to him outside of the house. He made it clear that we can talk only when he is visiting us in our home. He said he respects me but I am his dads thing not his so he isn't looking for any relationship with me. Well and he lives with his mom so he is scared to upset her as well. Well that is all fine and well but I put my foot down and said I won't be making meals for him if I am to be viewed as the help. So since then his father just goes out to dinner with him. The SD lives with us. I think he needs to tell her it is time to go period. I will not pay for anything for her. I am a widow and I will only support my son. They have both parents that can do for them. Plus gramps is loaded and hands it out in buckets. My cash is for mine only. The SD does not talk to me at all. Or my son for that matter. She no longer eats dinner with us since she can't say thank you and I put my foot down about this ill behavior at dinner. So the fact I hold a bar of standards they buck it and get more and more angry. Oh well I am not gonna be walked on anymore by these young adults. So we are at this stand off place it seems. Dad just can't stand up to them. He fears he will lose them if he does. Though the truth is they hate him already anyway. So he won't miss a damn thing to let them go and the just might get some respect. I adore him and things with the three of us are good but I know we aren't married because of them. I think he fears what they will do.

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colleen6166

Adult step kids are moronic imbeciles....I cannot stand my 3 ,they run to their psycho mother (who left them in the middle of the night when they were little in a church for 3 days)Never cleaned, cooked dinner,woke up before noon....they never had clean clothes,she ruined all their credit....they still think she's a saint??? I love their father very much,he now realized I'm not putting up with their nonsense,I blamed it on "change of life,menopause..."It worked,I no longer have them in my house,at the end of the day,their crazy mother can have them... the oldest stepson always called my husband to watch his girlfriend's son (different father)for a month at a time!! Who does that (ask your psycho mother!!) I'm buying a new home out of state,it's all mine,I told my husband, you're kids won't be living here and I'm not babysitting for them!!!They are all idiots,his oldest son sat and watched his dog get sick, never bothered to take him to a vet....we had to take him to our vet (he died from Lyme disease)I was beyond mad!!!!!! He watched a helpless dog deteriorate!!(I could have re-homed him two years ago) slowly die because he doesn't believe in getting him shots!!! That was the final straw for me......disgusting!!! I'm done!

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colleen6166

From over 20 years experience, adult stepchildren only look after themselves and their mother ( make sure you have your own bank account, property in your name....have an irrevocable will/pre-nup) Trust me,you don't want your step kids to inherit one penny of YOUR biological child's money/property....have your insurance policy updated, leave your assets to YOUR children and/or family members,you may not be able to disengage from them now..but make preparations for your and your biological children's future!



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puzzy38

I've read a lot of these stories, my story is no different. I have three grown step kids 30, 35 and 37. I don't know where to begin, it got so bad over the years, it changed me. But I like myself, I don't put up with there things anymore. It hurts to see how they don't care about their father, the way you would think, they use him to their needs and use the Grandchildren thing on him. We have a son together he is 14 and they are so jealous of him they can't see straight. They watch what they say, so I don't discuss with their father how they are. He usually says what are they doing now, in denial. If someone is doing something wrong and you know it, what is that when he picks on me to their wrong doings? Anyway it's been 20 years and your guard is always up, you never know what is next. Very hurtful! I've been second guessing our relationship, it's hard to get close to someone who allows this. Some things he stood up to, like his daughter was married and having affairs all over the place. So of coarse you have to say that's wrong. But on simple note, can't say a word about what hurts you. I guess he thinks he deserves that disrespect, what he doesn't realize he isn't teaching them anything. They never respected him or his ex-wife, so how would they respect others. It starts in the home at an early age. For now I found a therapist, we are both going. I want my peace back I have to learn how to do that. Thanks for listening.

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peaceful101

puzz38, you sound exhausted and you care too much. Please distance yourself from the situation. They are all adults, there is nothing you can do. You have to compartmentalize: your life with your husband and kid (your son is #1), his life with his kids. Make it clear to your husband as well.

I chose to cut ties with my husband's children over 2 years ago, never been so happy; no more spending money on them, cooking dinners, celebrating holidays with them while being scrutinized and disrespected. I regained my life. I told them that they can always invite their father but I won't be coming along. None have. I have become old news (which is great news for me.)

Have no expectations of them, only expect them to be their nasty self. Eventually, they will get tired of dealing solely with their father and you will be in peace.

Another realization was that when my husband won't be around any longer (he is older than me) I will be discarded like an old sock. Why live unhappy during the few years left we may have? I want to fully enjoy my husband whom I love dearly.

Words of caution: NEVER EVER comment on his kids' lifestyles. It's none of your business, you are only creating tension. I never did with my stepchildren and they still hated me. You are not the problem, his kids have issues. Unfortunately, your husband is weak, you won't change him but you can always change the situation. Our story is not unique.

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puzzy38

I hear ya! You need to find your peace to. It only comes from God, let it in.

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peaceful101

Correct. You are not alone.

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puzzy38

Yes your right! I' exhausted. I'm not sure I can take this anymore! If I say I don't want to go he basically has a fit or he'll say he's not going, to make me feel bad. I don't want to care how do you do that? I'm over my head, I'm scared for my son, if he excepts the treatment will he except it for my son? Thank You!

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peaceful101

Tell him you don't feel welcome at his kids' house therefore you are not going. You need to let his kids know as well that from now on, you are staying home but their father is welcome to go. Discuss it with your son. Air everything in the open. You are not happy anyway, what do you have to lose? Puzzy, you need to know where you stand in that mess.

From my own experience, I learned that my husband deep down did not want to go either but hide behind me (which makes you look like the bad guy) because he did not want to deal with his children. You need to regain your life and let him deal with his children that they see him in the light. Otherwise, you will always be the one they blame.

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puzzy38

I have told him until I'm blue in the face! Deep down he don't want to go either, he knows they'll eat him alive! Thanks for the advise I need to regain me! I love him, that's why I put up with so much. I'm going to counseling too! God Bless.

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peaceful101

Godspeed Puzzy.

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justoverit

Best of luck Puzzy. It is hard to live that way and to ask if it is all worth it. I adore my fella but those kids of his areunsavory. They have strained relationships with their father and I tried to help pull everyone all together only to have that bit my bum!! So I no longer suggest they make plans, offer to make family dinners, I even went as far as family dinner with the ex to help bring peace. It all was slapped away. He doesn’t make plans with them now either, but that is his choice and no longer my concern. He can anytime he wants but doesn’t. He would rather be home with my son and I. He still doesn’t make the daughter pay rent here but I no longer supply her things so she is avoiding being here a lot now too!! Yeah me!! But it is their problems not mine. They all need help but not with or from me.


Peaceful 101. We are working on our pre nup to move ahead and you can bet I am protecting my son’s future in it. Just yesterday he said he would look out for him too, that he didn’t really care anymore what his gets... he said I plan on using it all before then! He is slowly waking up. They have really hurt him and showed him how they really feel which is very little. They love his pockets though!! Best of luck to you all! We are good people, we are just as important! XOXO

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peaceful101

Yeah!!! Happy to hear justoverit. My husband is waking up as well, he has asked me if we could relocate. He is starting to realize that his kids don't really care for him and he does not mind if we are away from them. Secretly, I hope he keeps a relationship with them because I still have the hope that they will see how wonderful of a man he is. However, just like you, I am out of it. You nail it when you say "We are just as important." The struggle was real and my hair turned white but it was worthy at the end. We can just wish that Puzzy gets there too.

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Karen Peltier

Bingo! You struck gold: "From my own experience, I learned that my husband deep down did not want to go either but hide behind me (which makes you look like the bad guy) because he did not want to deal with his children. You need to regain your life and let him deal with his children that they see him in the light. Otherwise, you will always be the one they blame."

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Southern Summer

I found that my marriage has been much better since I don't feel dragged to functions where I am treated disrespectfully. I am very encouraging of my husband to go and attend family events with his ex wife, ex inlaws, and his adult children, however he rarely if ever attends now that I don't go, since he doesn't want to go by himself, and it is like a weird couple thing, when everyone has a spouse present except for he and his ex wife.

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justoverit

Agreed. My mate does not like to go without me. But I just can’t go and feel that way. What really hits me as strange isn’t that they don’t want me in their lives... I get I represent the complete death of the hope of a reunited family. It is the lack of love, care or respect they pay him. He isn’t perfect but he is a very good, solid, loving man. That has always blown my mind!!! Where is the love??? That should have nothing to do with me.

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Southern Summer

It isn't about love. It's about the opportunity to manipulate us and capitalize on his guilty feelings. My husband has been an amazingly supportive father and ex husband to them, but they know that they can play him. Since I have withdrawn from the drama game, he has become more aware of the manipulation, and he has declined the latest christening and grandchildren events. They are not pleasant events for him. He feels awkward and unwanted (welcome to my world), and would rather be at home with me and our dogs. He resents that his son demands respect for his wife and kids, but isn't willing to give it.

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colleen6166

Southernlights.. so true!!! My husband would prefer to be home with me and our dogs as well!!Stepkids are essentially manipulative,it does not seem to matter how despicable or reprehensible their”biological “ mom treated them.. we’re just always going to to be “an evil “ step parent,they’re like a disease you can’t get rid of . I just want to say... if your mother was/is so great... live with her!!

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puzzy38

I guess hinds sight I should of dismissed myself from going to visit his kids, when all I showed my son is how they disrespect each other, what a learning experience we love each other and they fight with one another. Our relationship between my husband and I is over, he asked me to get a divorce attorney yesterday. Where do I go from here? I explained to my son and he is sad, but he said he was sick of the fighting too. I think he will be fine, I told him we both love him, that will always be!!!! Over the years things just beat me down, my husband is beat too, I'm sure I'll be the blame, that's how it always seemed. Thanks for listening

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Southern Summer

I'm sorry, Puzzy. Step families are hard. There have been many times I wanted to leave, but simply by the grace of God we stayed together. Our marriage is much better than ever, for simply my not being involved in their lives in any way whatsoever. Yes, I can relate to "how do I stop caring?". It's the most painful thing I ever experienced.

Your husband will regret this.

i had a ridiculous enlightening about two weeks ago. There was a skit on Saturday night live called The Fliplets. You could find it on YouTube. It was about a set of adult triplets--- two triplets were happy and successful, and the third triplet, Tristan, was brooding, dark, emotionally disturbed, and had never moved on from "the death of our family"---their parents' divorce when they were children. It was comedy, but since then, I have realized that my step kids and their mother and aunts are all Tristan. It really has nothing to do with me. It helps me not care, and I have quit thinking that they can ever be normal, because they don't want to be normal.

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peaceful101

I believe it's because we care too much that we end up beating ourselves up over the situation. However why spend so much time on people who give so little?

Step parenting will test you to the extreme, beat you or build you. I am sorry Puzzy for your situation. I agree with southernlights, your husband is going to regret it. If your stepkids are anything like mine, he is going to end up alone, penniless and miserable. His kids will suck the life out of him but you won't be there to see it. We are NOT the problem, those people are sour (Tristan). I use to joke that when my stepdaughter got a traffic ticket, it was my fault because that the way she chose to see it. You can be removed from the situation and somehow is still be your fault.

You can't see it now but your separation may be a blessing in disguise. Don't lose faith, he may come back once he realizes what he has lost. Meanwhile enjoy the peace with your son. God speed Puz. What doesn't kill you, make you stronger.

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puzzy38

Yes been there 2 years ago, almost lost my life, really I was on my way I felt such Love and Peace, I even saw my parents, they were young, it was GREAT, it felt GREAT too. After that I vowed I wasn't taking the S*** no more. Who ever thinks their relationship is stable with their SK'S better think again! My friend has a SD who recently told her she never liked her from day one, after 16 years? They were always close! She treats her like her own, that HURTS!!!! God Bless

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peaceful101

I know Puzzy, that is why we have to distance ourselves from the situation (easier say than done but possible) and think about our mental health. You are angry, justifiably so. We all got taken because we are good people.

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puzzy38

I hear you, I feel bad, but it is happening! I can't cry anymore! I will survive! God will get me through. Thanks for listening

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justoverit

So sorry to hear that Puzzy. It makes no sense and it is very emotionally hard to shut people out. I had my feelings stomped so many time by the SD for being nice. It is a shame that they want to abuse their fathers like they do. Be strong. He will realize it soon enough who cared and what was good to him. I guess then it will be up to you. Best of luck!!

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kk sc

I am glad I found this post-I married my husband 8.5 yrs ago with his 4 kids ranging in age from 11-17 with the oldest being a girl. Everytime I said something she made a snide remark, she would send my husband text messages after we went up to bed that she didn't get a hug-she didn't ask for one when we announced we were going to bed. I could write pages-she moved out secretly on her 18th bday to her aunts and didn't talk to us for 2.5 yrs. The oldest boy followed her out of the house-we let him go 2 months before his 18th bday because of his disrespectful behavior. Right after that the youngest started his running around with the druggies and the nightmare of all that, he ended up in a 9 mo treatment program which cost a fortune right when I got layed off. I actually believe I suffer from ptsd due to all this. The 2nd to the youngest is the best of the bunch-had a bit of trouble with him but nothing in comparison. Now the daughter is getting married and I asked about her dress-she is very secretive about it-don't know why. The mother has paranoid issues (and hasn't contributed to her children in any way) so some of this could rub off on the kids or be genetically predisposed. Anyway I mentioned that the women in the family photos should know what her dress looks like so they could comfortably and respectfully dress for this occasion and you'd think the gates of hell had opened up! She sent her dad a text she didn't want to 'put up with me any longer' I read this the next morning because the phone was beeping and he was in the shower and I was devastated! I sent her a message apologizing and asked if this was how she really felt and she phone her father with a crying fit and never responded to my text but then blocked me on social media. It's been 2 weeks and I continue to be sad everyday. We went over to her place and brought her the wedding $$ we promised her and I brought her a reconciliation gift and yet she has made no effort to apologize or do anything in the direction of making things good again. I'm ready to quit! My husband addresses her behavior by telling her how hurt I am rather than her behavior is hurtful and destructive. This morning I realized when he walks her down the isle we'll be giving her away and with my sick sense of humor I'm like cheers!! and we don't want her back! Finding out my step children regard me with disdain is extremely painful. Thanks everyone for your posts I've read through them and it really helps to hear I'm not alone. This is just a snippet of the stuff that goes on and I too believe they are damaged and need to seek therapy to heal-I can't continue to have people in my life who do not value me and treat me with high regard. These kids moved into a house that I paid most of the down-payment and I combined my income with my husbands and provided them with clothing, heat, food, toilet paper etc, I took the time to teach them how to take care of themselves and have continued to plan holidays, birthdays and get-togethers, buy gifts for them, do the cleaning, shopping & cooking for these dinners and I don't get treated like a person-a human being. So I told my husband I don't want to do this anymore and he is ok with it, but I feel like somehow he wishes I'd just ignore it all and keep doing the same thing. It's really hard to do that-invite people who basically abuse over to sit at my table and eat my food and I have to spend time with them when I know they hate me...........thanks for letting me vent!

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Karen Peltier

It is interesting you stated, " I actually believe I suffer from ptsd due to all this." That stmt. may come as a shock to some and be unbelievable to others, but being a SM myself and having to deal with some of my own shock-and-awe, mouth-dropping events, I believe you 100%.

The wedding. Yikes! You have been married to your husband for years and helped raise these kids the best you could and gave up, much like a parent, for them. You and your husband are married, and of course you expect to be treated like your husband's wife at this wedding because you are your husband's wife. BUT, I got news for you. SKs, BM, planners, officiates, and more may have quite a different idea in their heads. They may think you are to politely pretend you do not exist and let your husband/dad and BM hang out for the day and play married. You are supposed to do this without question, without seeing it coming, without permission, and so on. They'll feel they do not even need your husband's permission, and it doesn't matter how many years you have been married.

Oh, they'll make excuses up the wazoo, such as they bride is just honoring her parents and it is the bride's special day, and so on. In reality, it is being done because society thinks that BM and adult SKs still own their father. They see your marriage as a lesser marriage, if even as a marriage at all. If you won't play, they'll do anything they can to make you feel like YOU are the one being a jerk for not sucking it up and taking it.

In reality, parents don't need to pretend to be married to be parents. And, no one gets to pretend, for even one day, that someone else's marriage doesn't exist. Best of luck to you, and stand your ground. You are not just a concubine and a servant. You are a wife who has done a lot for your husband's extended family, and you at least deserve to be thought of and treated as your husband's wife and be treated with common courtesy by all.

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kk sc

Hi Karen! I agree and we have had the discussion about the wedding seating and such with her. My husband has promised me I will sit with him and so has she. In fact the BM is the least of my worries-her family is a bunch of codependant meddlers that caused all kinds of loyalty issues with the kids and my husbands family practically disowned us during the 2.5yrs the SD didn't talk to us! The entire event creates a dark shadow in my future! I totally feel like the outsider without an ally and dread the entire event especially now that the SD is pulling crap I thought she left behind years ago. I went to a nephews wedding a few years ago and when my husband left to get a beer or anything I was stuck at a table with his relatives trying to make conversation with people who ignored me! I am not a bad person and have friends of my own, am educated and look like a normal person-it is like I walked into the insane asylum-there doesn't seem to be any normal behavior from any of them!

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justoverit

Kk. I agree about the ptsd as a step mother. That is the best way to describe it. I am always wondering what is next, when is it coming, how bad is it gonna hurt, could this pull us apart..... it is a trauma for sure. I have never in my life been treated this way or remotely allowed it. It feels like I am in a nut house too! They are all sick and unhealthy and we are trying to not catch their illnesses. My wedding days are coming. Both of his kids have been in long term relationships and as they (one is done one is in the last year) finish college that is bound to be next. Yeah!!! I really hate it all. Tomorrow night the SD asked dad to go with her Yo look at a house.... once again for money and Work she talks to him. She hasn’t spoke to him in weeks but now she wants so she talks. Saturday is his birthday so it will be interesting to see how that goes after this. They did nothing last year for it. I did ask if she is looking to buy? He said he didn’t know. Well I suggested he ask because she can’t in anyway shape or form get one on her own. She has only had a full time job for 3.6 months. No money down... no credit history as she just finished college. So why waste the time? You see where this is going?? I am sure we all do but him! It boggles my mind!!! I just hope it is a rental and she might really leave our home! This chain on remarks have helped me so much!!! I am not a three eyes troll like they look at me. I am amazing, wonderful, loving person they are missing out on. I have the whole rest of m world to prove that. Hang on to that. They are a small opinion and not a real reflection of you! Hang in there SMS!!!

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peaceful101

Hello kk cs, welcome to the club we will rather not be in. Guess what, I am ahead of you. My stepson is getting married next Saturday and I am not going to the wedding. Happy about it. Husband knows my position and respects my decision. He knows what I went through. However, I encourage/want him to go.

I am continuing on my "Dad and I" and "Dad and You" journey. I explain to the future bride (if she/he talks to you) that I do not feel that I belong there since her husband (i.e stepson) never interacted with me. Snob me since I have been with his father.

I also explained that from now on, I am like a bank: you invest in me, I invest in you in dividends. You withdraw too much money (which I used to do), you get kicked out. It is liberating to know where you stand and they know what to expect from now on. We are all on the same page. Peaceful.

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Southern Summer

KK, if you go to the wedding, be prepared for it to be way worse than anything you can imagine. Been there. Step family PTSD is real. Blame hubby for not setting boundaries. Blame the kids for being rude, spoiled, and wallowing in self pity. Blame yourself for continuing to give to people who hate you. Detatch and quit rewarding bad behavior. When you quit following them, they will quit backing away. Wear a flaming red dress to the wedding and own it. You did ask her what to wear after all.

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Southern Summer

I agree with Peaceful. I have just been a peaceful wife since the last wedding nearly four years ago. No reason for any contact with them whatsoever. I love the bank analogy, but I am not willing to interact at all. Too late.

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peaceful101

Lol southernlights, you are tougher than me. Really ladies, why continue the abuse and place ourselves in that situation day after day after day? We all know that if we survive our husbands, we will be dropped like an old sock. Please respect yourself and put your energy in the people who matter.

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kk sc

My mother tells me to not let her win! I'm thinking no one wins and what do they win anyway? I feel sorry for my husband but when he talks to her he only tells her how I feel and that might be the goal of the whole thing and she's like yippee I hate her and want her to be hurt. What thoughts I have?? I think to myself what is the point of going? my self esteem is so low in regards to this I don't want anything to do with her-so why go to a wedding of someone who 'doesn't want to put up with me?' hasn't apologized and has cut me off on her social media-I don't know if these kids have any idea of the affect of blocking people but it is painful and sends a pretty big message!! And then I think why does my husband want to drag me to an event that will make me have an anxiety attack like for every day for 2 months before hand and by the time I get there I'll be a basket case, plus after all the hate here I have no intention of inviting her to my house for the holidays-why would I???

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peaceful101

kk, as I have told people before: regain your life, don't let them consume you. It's going to eat you alive. I used to have panic attacks. The only one who matters is your husband, have a heart to heart discussion with him.

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Karen Peltier

kk sc, I do see these two lines of reasoning with many SMs in this type of situation. One group says, like your mother, "Don't let them win." Put on your best, and go with your DH, enjoy and brush it all off at the end of the day. The other group says, ignore them as much as you can, disengage. Let your husband deal with his initial family situations.

I don't think there is really any right or wrong answer. I think it all depends on what YOU want to put up with and what YOU think you can handle. Not everyone has the personality to brush it all off and not let others nasty remarks get to them. I always say a SM has to do what works for her, because no matter what she does, there will be someone right there every time claiming whatever it is is wrong. You do what works for you.

I told my husband I was not going to my SS's wedding, after previous experience at SD's wedding. I told him that was my decision and he could make whatever decision he chose. I chose to not go, and he could chose to either go or not. Eventually, he chose not to go, but he did have a long talk with his son and fiancé and let them know it was nothing personal. We still met with them and gave them best wishes and gifts beforehand. Everyone actually wound up being okay with it. I don't want to minimize what you are going through, but sometimes the solutions are easier than you think, and I have found it usually starts with SM saying NO and meaning NO.

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Southern Summer

Me too. I had panic attacks for two months before the wedding, frantically bought and donated two dozen dresses until I found the "right ones", had cosmetic surgery, obsessed over everything, paid for the wedding, lost ten pounds, wore beige as I was instructed without a corsage compared to their gold silk taffeta that rustled as they walked... To impress people who purposefully hurt me...intentionally. I medicated myself to get through it, which I don't recommend, but it got me through it, the many terrible snubs of the day that my husband casually mentions from time to time.

It was the worst day of my life. Worse than my divorce, worse than my father's death. Worse than anything. I have been in therapy since and often lie awake brooding at night, rehashing what I should have done. PTSD, yes. As much as I knew they hated me, I didn't get the depth of their hatred, and it hurt. Really really hurt. Forever closure, though. Me blocked too. That hurts too. But I didn't cause this, I just put up with it for way too long.

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Karen Peltier

Yep, that was clearly the day I felt like handmaid Offred in the The Handmaid's Tale. I felt like I was in some sort of dystopian environment that day, one where I literally had zero rights and other people were permitted to and even encouraged to take over my husband and do with him what they will. I was expected to stay out of the way, and suck it up and take it while both I and my husband were, basically, getting screwed.

An exaggeration? Perhaps, but it makes the point of what it feels like for a modern, confident, professional woman to suddenly find herself in an archaic, backward, sexist environment where she is expected to cowtow to everyone around her . And, remember, you are supposed to do it all without complaining, or there will be consequences.

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justoverit

Karen that is crazy and I understand. At Christmas dinner with his family that we do at our house and I cook the whole big traditional dinner. ( his parents and brother are good and treat me like family) we had all just sat down to eat and his father was ready to say grace and everyone took each other’s hands but the SD who was sitting next to me. She said no and that she didn’t want to do that with me. Right there in front of everyone at my table over my dinner she was about to eat. I was suppose to act like my feelings were not hurt or be angry over this. Now I would have sent my child away from the table and denied the dinner time. He could eat later but she only got told to do it and nothing else. Well she did and touched my hand with her finger tips like I was covered in feces. But when I wanted to talk about it later I was told to get over it. Not let her win, it wasn’t a big deal blah blah.... it was a complete act of derespect and tolerated. Why wouldn’t these things cause PTSD?? I have for a long time felt like a servant with them and everyone seemed to be ok with it. So when I said no more it was a problem but it didn’t change how they treat me. Oh well they can’t value me I can’t give that my time.

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colleen6166

At the end of the day... it comes down to strategizing... Your unapologetic,unappreciative stepkids are always going to be maneuvering to “make sure they inherit their biological Father or mothers money!) They are so (OCD) about it’s disgusting,make your OWN money ,make sure YOUR own children are well provided for!


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Southern Summer

Crazy weird timing, but I went to a funeral visitation yesterday, and as I walked in, I passed "our" ex-wife and her sister through the same doorway coming out. Impossible to miss them... it was the first time I had seen my husband's ex since their daughter's awful wedding in 2014. My goal has been to completely cut off from them and to lose that anxiety, fear, and anger that rushes in whenever I think of them... Much less see them. Amazingly, I did great. I spoke to them with a relaxed and light cheerful "hey, Beth, hi, Amy" just like anyone else. No fear, anxiety, or anger. Of course here I am still talking about it at 4:00 am, but this is a huge milestone for me... I feel like I have really made some progress. I doubt I could have had the same success had it been their kids, but that one is next. Obsessed... Yes. I never go out anywhere in this small town of 60000 people without consciously dressing for a possible run-in with them. I can't stand the thought of being critiqued for my appearance on top of everything else. And yes, I know how crazy that sounds. By the way, my hair was perfect.


Justoverit, your Christmas story makes me very sad, but I have done that one too. I declined to host the event ever again, and sent them both immediately to their mother's house. Yes, it was a big scene, but if I were going to be criticized it might as well be big. After that, my husband and I started spending Christmas with my family in Atlanta. Oh the steps objected... but we started a new tradition of having a brunch with them the first week of December, and then after the wedding that ended too, but at least my Christmas wasn't ruined.

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Southern Summer

Colleen, I so agree with financial planning for your own kids. Recently our financial person put some wording in our estate plan about negating the possibility of having us declared incompetent and trying to take over our finances and about financial consequences for contesting our will. We also have an irrevocable living trust that protects my kids financially. I highly recommend good estate planning in our situation. Long term care insurance is a good idea too.

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justoverit

I agree with it all. I have been to a lawyer/estate planner and had very specific things drawn up and as I am a widow who and how my son will be taken care of as well at least until he is of age. I also had my mate do his. So all the kids are covered in respects to there needs. My mate recently stated he feels they have gotten plenty off him and he plans to live long enough to blow it all anyhow! But we did make the plans and he was still generous with them. But I am sure it won’t be enough because some was left me to and my son.


I still host the holidays because I enjoy it and love the rest of this inherited family, however I did come up with a plan for the chance at a scene again. I made names place settings and put her at the end of the table way away from me. She now sits with the uncles step family, and her brother. She gets no chance to do that again!


By the way she didn’t like the place she looked at enough to rope dad into paying and signing but she tried!!

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colleen6166

I realize how much all of us have invested in our stepkids... emotionally,Time ,money,Just want everyone to be aware of how important it is to give YOUR biological children everything you’ve worked your whole life for... Our stepchildren have no rights to OUR hard earned money,period.My stepkids are getting nothing from me.You give what you get in life... my stepkids are inheriting nothing from me...poetic justice

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colleen6166

Southernlights,You’re a classy lady,you did everything right! Unfortunately we have to deal with classless people but being gracious and kind to those that dislike us shows everyone else we are good people.You are a thoughtful,caring person and I believe our stepchildren don’t like to acknowledge the goodness in their stepmoms because they actually would have to see the imperfections in their own mothers.

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kk sc

I don't have biological children of you own, so I'm not aware of what behaviors to expect from my stepkids in the different phases of their lives. For the most part my stepkids are not overtly disrespectful, but when their mother comes around things tend to change and I see more upset and loyalty issues. It's like wildfire running through their sibling group once it starts. When I have them over for a meal they are always nice to me and help me when I ask with getting things ready and everyone help clean up. I was told I put too much emphasis on their behavior and this may be true given they are all in their early twenties trying navigate adult life and also I have the journey of now letting go of them and instead of taking care of them refocusing my attention on myself and husband. You guys have given me a lot of perspective and I thank you all for sharing your stories, some of you have made me feel quite fortunate! My stepdaughter brought me flowers when I was sick and each of the kids talked to me about it and sent me many get wells and blessing wishes! My relationships with my own family are difficult at times-everyone doesn't always get along so I hold on knowing I'm dealing with young people who weren't always taught all the things they should've because their lives with a wreck and I am important in their lives, I am one of the stable features and I'm not going to throw them away, they can hurt me because I love them!! Blessing on you day and keep up the good fight you are making a difference!

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Southern Summer

KK, you are indeed fortunate. That's what I had hoped for. Caring does make us vulnerable, and that's why it has taken me so long to recover to this point.

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justoverit

I find it amazing that my son who would be my mates SS does not treat him like that at all. He is kind and appreciative, and does things with us. They are good together. I just don’t get why his kids are so awful!!


Btw. The SD can’t get the BF of 7 years to move out with her at this time!! That was the big hold up now. He has cold feet to advance with her now. It’s been 7 years!!! I have been patiently waiting 3.5 for him to take her!!! Ugh!!! Could this be the beginning of the end for them and the beginning to a long haul with her?! PTSD for sure.

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puzzy38

That's wonderful how your relationship is with the step kids, but wait until you have your own. Mine is tough, their jealous of him, one only started this year to go to one football game of his, when his dad asked him. Mine you he is 14 now, the other two don't have nothing to do with him, I don't really care though, I told him he can bother with who he wants. That sucks though, I feel bad. My husband doesn't seem to care, he won't say anything about it. His kids do no wrong! Keep up the good relationship. God Bless.

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justoverit

Puzzy I do have 4 step children. And one of my own. The man I am with now has 2 a boy and a girl. They are awful. My son is not like that with my mate or his kids. It has to be upbringing. My first 2 step children are great. Even now that their father passed they stay in contact with me and their half brother. These current adult children had to be raised with no respect taught to them. Now we all pay the price. Like I mentioned before I can only imagine where this is all gonna go now.

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krissy377

Best if you stop trying to please them an live your life.

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peaceful101

I have three stepkids, two of them snob me, especially the girl. The older son calls me from time to time to ask me how I am doing and told me "I don't play that game." He even thanked me for being tough on him when he was young to make sure he will succeed in life. So, there is always hope lol.

kk, be careful though because I thought I had a good relationship with the girl until I found out that she stabbed me bad in the back with a relative and tried to get her older brother on board. She was manipulating me all along to get things from me (trip, clothes, etc.)

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kk sc

Hi peaceful, I totally get what you are saying and yes she has alreadly stabbed me, this calling daddy and crying and sending him text telling him I am disrespectful & inappropriate and I read it - I say who does stuff like that? are you 5 or 25?? She is confused and doesn't understand our marriage is the highest priority earthly relationship and although the kids were here before me they are not the one priority relationship! I will not trust her again. She hurt me very badly. The first son & youngest son have been out of line at times with their behavior and they had to be put in line-you don't tell other people how to spend their money, whether to sign student loans, who to loan their personal property to-if you wouldn't act like this to one of your friends parents don't do it to us! Also bother to use that cell phone to call us rather than just stopping over,, you will appreciate this a lot when you are married-because drop ins can be messy and inconvenient! We have read many articles on empowering parents and they are very helpful!! Also my husbands reaction to the boys is more straight forward and to the point and it seems to work better. We are having a lot of conversation about the SD now so he will be able to deliver a to the point message to her, she will be getting married in June and needs to understand what this is all about, I hope she can grasp this. We are leaving her alone right now because as the wedding approaches it would stand to reason her emotions will get more out of hand-let he melt down on someone else!!!

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peaceful101

I call it the Daddy's Little Girl Syndrome. The stepdaughters will always think you are taking their daddy's love and attention away from them. They could not be more wrong. They don't understand that they are fully part of their father's life in my eyes. As far as I am concerned I am happy when my husband is happy; if that includes having a full day with his daughter, that's perfectly fine with me but she must be respectful around me. That's where I draw the line. I guess I have to wait for her to grow up, she is in her late 20s.

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kk sc

I don't know if they ever grow up in regards to this relationship. There appears to be some kind of trigger that opens the floodgates to an emotional scar that resides at the early stages of life. The thing I don't get is it is so extremely irrational-your daddy doesn't live with you or talk to you everyday-so how do you think you should be able to trump his relationship with his wife-and why do they not understand the problems and drama they create do not make a better relationship with their daddy? My husband doesn't want to deal with his daughter when she is acting self centered and disruptive-he just leaves her alone and now it's coming up on the holdiays and she'll be out in orbit by herself cuz she's caused trouble and made no effort to reconcile. Maybe it's for the best!


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puzzy38

Hi just over it, Puzzy here, I can feel your pain we been going through alot of different things about 20 years now. We are in counseling now, because it got this bad. No respect! What is that my husband doesn't know because if he does he doesn't deserve any. He needs to put his foot down and not take what they hand. I quit trying to have a relationship, he's not liking it. I love him! I can't imagine being without him, but he needs to step up to the plate. He knows how they can be, he tells me all the time, what is that? I always say reverse the shoes and see how you would feel, if this is how I was. He doesn't like that!!!!!!!! I think we need to be on the same page to deal with things. We Love in our house, in there's who knows! I'm going to join a Bible study to help me to. I haven't worked outside of the house for 20 years other then my husband's business, I do that from home. I kinda lost my way, who I am, instead being so absorbed in this. We have Grandkids also and it's all about Pap Pap, me and my son just exist, well that's how you feel. My step daughter in-law can be difficult to deal with, my therapist said she can help me with this. It's hard when you don't like the attitude through her husband and then mine, because stepson works for him. I'll do anything for the Grand kids, if needed, with in reason because of her actions she can be nasty, and I won't take it. I know you can't fix people but your can change how you look at a situation, that's where I'm lost. God Bless. It's so nice talking on this site, I never did this before!

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puzzy38

Hello kksc, I get your story to, I feel it's jealousy, Big time! I go through the same thing, that's what I see! Sometimes I think about calling their bluff and sit down with them and see where they are? But see we have a mother on the other end pulling and probably telling them things. I don't even care any more, believe what you want!! I Love my husband and no one can take that away, we are working through things right now,I tolerated them long enough with their **** I'm done!! They are his kids and he can deal with their disrespect, he's used to it, but he knows the difference, he tells me he don't want to visit them on his own, why???????? I think we all know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No respect!!!!!!!! dislike step- wife and son, jealous of our Love,, I never turned my back on them, I should of a log time ago, but I took it, I thought it would get better, I always have hope for everything, what else is their, besides that is having God in your heart. Thanks for listening! God Bless.

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puzzy38

krissy 377, Everyone always says stop pleasing them so what does that mean? Do you not involve your self with these people? I'm just asking, because I'm getting some therapy for this, I don't know what to do, I'm so used to doing things for my husband no matter what to please him, I don't like it. I'd rather treat them the way they treat me, my husband thinks they treat me fine and care about me. He wants me to think they care. when they have their minipualting ways, I'm supposed to suck everything up to just say we have a relationship, bad behavior, is not my thing. I'll let you know what I learn from my therapist. God's speed.

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puzzy38

peaceful101, Hello I get what your saying, I admire your will. Don't wait for age to be a factor my steps are 37, 35,and 30. It just seems like when they want to turn on the nasty, it works every time! Does you husband actually want to spend time with his daughter, by himself? My husband doesn't seem to want to do that, why? I can use any help! God is Hope.

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Southern Summer

My stepdaughter was always the "other woman" in our marriage. Now hubby's kids are 35 and 33, and they are still as nasty as ever. Both married, and both have kids.

My husband finally saw the light when I served her up a big big check 6 months before the wedding. Fast ball, right over the plate. I knew she would show her true colors with all that money and all the control over her wedding. She knocked it out of the park, and she and my husband have not spoken to one another in four years. She now lives 12 hours away, and I would write another check if she would move another 12 hours away.

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puzzy38

Dear southernlights, I hear you! That really sucks. We are in the same boat with the oldest step D, she hasn't talk to us in 4 years either. She worked for my husband while she was going to school and had affairs on her husband with my husbands colleagues, so he fired her, not by my word, he did it himself!!!! She had a great teacher, my husbands ex had affairs on him all of his marriage. Didn't mean she had to turn out like her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's called choices, sometimes choices kick you right in the butt. Hope for change, I'll pray for all of us. God Bless

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kk sc

Puzzy-watch Charles Stanley on Sunday mornings-yesterday he said-fight your battles on your knees!! prayer. Also he was talking about counsel to ensure you are receiving Godly counsel, not getting advise according to the counselor's lifestyle or preferences. I think this is good advise because it is important that you feel ok.....also 10 years ago I was a confident woman and somehow the focus on these kids has really diminished my self-esteem. I was laid off 4 yrs ago and thought I would retire, I got bored and 4 months ago I got a nice PT job during the day, close to home and work with some wonderful people and you know I'm starting to feel better again! I actually went downstairs and worked out on my bowflex yesterday and it was the first time in ages I mean like years! I go for a walk every morning with the dogs and hubby but that isn't really exercise-boy did I feel good after my workout and I'm going to do it again-make myself a priority and quit worrying about everyone else except my husband.

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peaceful101
Puzzy, no my husband doesn't want to be alone with her. They seldom see each other, sometimes for lunch outside the house (I think that's all he can take.) He is the one to open my eyes about her. One time, in passing, he told me that she doesn't like anyone, is a bully and may be narcissistic. I was amazed, then I started watching. He was right! People like my stepdaughter burn a lot bridges without knowing it; because to them being nasty is a natural state. We should pity them, must be hard to be them.
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peaceful101
Kk, yes working out is great. I started doing it and it keeps my mind clear and I feel more calm. When my SD disrespected me with the relative, I asked for an apology. That was 2 years ago.
Don't have any expectation from her so I won't be disappointed or expect them to act their nasty self. Either way, you are free and in control. She is not welcome in my house and if she interacts with her dad, I go somewhere else. My husband understand perfectly. Peaceful.
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Colleen Bonamico

I work out and do yoga as well....but I've found that ignoring my step kids completely rattles them more than anything,psychologically speaking,when you completely ignore someone as if they're not even in the room,they have no back up plan for that.They become flustered,nervous and awkward.I just happily pretend I don't know them or see them.Total freedom peaceful101!

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Colleen Bonamico

One thing I forgot to mention with the holidays coming up,I don't buy my step kids anything anymore,I don't buy for their children... I spend money on MY children and that's it.At the end of the day,I'm not related to them.

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kk sc

Colleen-do you ignore your stepkids when they are in the room? Do you spend the holidays with them ?

I've had a lot of thought about the holidays as I watch how these kids (they are all adults-but barely) start to behave better as Christmas comes-which is really weird-not that Christmas is over the top here or anything-for the most part we do stuff for them during the year according to the relationship and circumstances.

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peaceful101

And Colleen, isn’t that peaceful?! However I acknowledge mine with a Hi and move to a nearby next room. Don’t interact anymore. I decided to spend my energy on the ones who matter to me and see us as a couple. I don’t think the step kids can ever do that.

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puzzy38

Hello puzzy hear, just want to let everyone know I've been going to a therapist for help on our situation, it's been rough for 20 years when it comes to his kids. The therapist doesn't really tell me any different then what I do think, she says I'm right on a lot of things. Like why my husband won't go alone to visit his kids/grand kids, She says I'm his STRENGTH, if he would visit on his own they would probably eat him alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is comfortable when I'm there, like in our home . My thought is why even go, Why be uncomfortable, I know it's about the grand kids, that's why I go too and I Love my husband with all my heart. But I will start drawing the line from here. It's ok for him to visit on his own, he will get used to it the drama he is used to or he will walk away. When they see the no respect directly towards them without us pointing it out, things will change!!!!!!!!!! Besides they are their kids and they will turn out how they are taught, when they are older he will see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been so relieved talking to a therapist, she has a big heart and clear to thought. It's not about what you want to hear, it's about improving my husband and my relationship, he is going to the therapist also, he does admit he likes it!!!!! Keep you tuned in. God Bless Us All

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puzzy38

I just wanted to comment on the check thing, how southernlights wrote a check for their step's Wedding and they just disappeared. How they care!!!!!!!

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Marjorie Gore

Greetings!

i just found this site and am thrilled to know I am not the only woman swinging from a tree? my husband and I have been married 45 years (I am 70 and he is 82) When we first married his 4 children needed the stability of a stable home life and seemed to thrive in my home. His ex had been married twice since she and my husband got divorced so I in no way had anything to do with their divorce. My husband had just died and I was a widow at 29 when we started seeing each other. We had been friends before my husband died and my late husband had liked him. It started off as a nice friendship and after a year it turned romantic. I had a 2 year old son and we tried to include all the children in outings, trips, etc. Things rocked along for 10 years before I could recommit to marriage again. Things stilled seemed fine with the children. Fast forward 25 years and all of a sudden I am the wicked witch of the West. One SD derailed a family event by telling the other SC that I had canceled the event. Not true. I had fixed a big fancy meal and after an hour of everyone being late I called SD #2 to see what was going on, only to be told that SD#1 had told everyone the event had been cancelled. She had been caught in a lie and did not talk to us or participate in any family holidays or Christmas for 3 years. She was 45 at that time. Now SD#3 has decided that I am so awful that she never wants to see me again after I played a harmless joke on her. I thought it was harmless and so did her husband and father, but she exploded in fury! She called us every name she could think of and vacated our lives. The other two SC seem to be getting more and more distant. Granted old people are not much fun but time is getting short for their father and they don’t feel any need to see much of him. Less and less in fact. We are talking real adult children here, 55 to 46. Old enough to see what is happening.

i suppose I am trying to say that no matter how old your SC are they can still be cruel. Don’t expect things to get better with age.

Copper

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puzzy38

It's just amazing how what ever you may do they watch like hawks. If you do something they don't like your a witch or a cruel person, do they ever look at their selves, cause that is what I see, no respect for their Dad, I hate that!!!!!! He excepts this, but no more he is in therapy too, hope we can work on not excepting bad behavior on both our behaves. Because what are you really teaching them, no respect to the parent means no respect for anyone!!!! puzzy38

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Marjorie Gore

Puzzy38, I have lived with disrespect for so many years that it has become the normal way of life for me. FINALLY my husband has seen the light and after 45 years has taken my side. He lived, happy in denial when it came to his kids and turned a blind eye to their thoughtlessness and disrespectful ways. For 45 years I have loved and cared for his children in the same way as my own child but their actions would turn on a dime. One day things were fine and the next they were hostile. Living in that kind of pressure cooker can make you doubt yourself and your sanity. They do watch you like hawks and look for any chink in your armor, if they find one they will exploit it like crazy. Please get them out of your checkbook! Over the years I have given them over 100,000. ME not their father and after saying,”Thank you”, as they grab the check and race to the door we would not see or hear from them again until they wanted something else. We are a very modest income family and that amount is HUGE for us. Please protect yourself!! I was not that smart so please learn from my mistake. Trust me, your step children will take and take but when you need them you will become someone they used to know and your husband as well.

bless your heart and try to hang in there.

copper

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Colleen Bonamico

Peaceful101......I just do the basic,Hello and Goodbye,I just don't involve myself in their petty nonsense anymore,it's exhausting! I luckily removed myself from holiday gatherings,having dogs, I just tell my husband I can't leave them.I've learned that no amount of kindness works,I've wasted years trying and I'm just over them now


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Colleen Bonamico

Margorie,I totally agree,funny thing is,I brought more money into my marriage than my husband did....I'm the one that insisted on a pre-nup when we got married,my oldest son is an attorney and my youngest is a yacht/boat mechanic,steps have low end jobs and perhaps that is why they feel inferior and jealous,I never really thought of the fiscal dynamics until tonight...hmmmm

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Colleen Bonamico

Good luck Puzzy!! KK,steps are always nice before holidays,birthdays.....Ive adopted a "no contact " rule,with them,they're nasty little bottom feeders,you know the adage,keep your enemies close.... nope,they use that "closeness"to their advantage.

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights.... OMG,that was great!!! Exactly!! You totally nailed it!!!!!

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights,genius!! Thanks for sharing

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Colleen Bonamico

Everyone, please make sure your wills are in perfect order..... that those closest to you will inherit your money,real estate..... I cannot stress this enough,don't leave any of your step children even one dollar (they can and will challenge YOUR will) do not even mention them,they are not related to you but if you mention their name,they can contest it. Be very careful with mentioning names.

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights,with all due respect,your financial planner is wrong,if you even mention or leave your stepchildren a dollar,they can contest your will and get an equal share of your estate as if they are your biological child... my son is an attorney.... leaving your steps even a small amount of money gives them just enough leverage to challenge your will....unless they sign an agreement that they agree with that sum and agree to not challenge the will.I am not lying ,please know financial planners are not estate attorneys and they unfortunately do not keep up with state laws....I just want you to be aware.

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Colleen Bonamico

Unfortunately, my son just won a case for the step children..... the step mother left her step children a dollar each....due to the fact they were written in the will,they became litigants and challenged it,they won 1/4 of the estate, if they signed the the agreement prior to her death,they would have received nothing, unfortunately, they never signed anything and because she left them only one dollar each,it opened up the argument that she considered them as beneficiaries to her estate.Complicated but they ended up with alot more because she never followed through.


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puzzy38

So what you are saying is if you don't have two of them in your Will they can collect something? One of them are in our will. We don't want them two in it. Maybe I am not understanding. Thanks

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puzzy38

It really is up setting how this has to be discussed, the Grand kids are who I worry about and they are in our Will.

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colleenoz

Wow, those are egregiously offensive questions to ask, southernlights.

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puzzy38

That is so sad I'll bet your a wonderful person, besides this is all material and is only lent to us on earth, we don't take anything with us, so give it away to someone who cares! When I had a near death experience, here didn't seem to exist, but there was coming in loud and clear!!!!!! Amen

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights,every name you acknowledge in your will,they are "lawfully" entitled to your estate, any person, mentioned in any will can and will by law be entitled to joint distribution of your estate.

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Colleen Bonamico

I'm looking out for my biological children,If I can give just some insight on legal ramifications,I felt like perhaps some women may not know or be aware of legalities regarding their OWN assets... I only want to empower step mothers.

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Colleen Bonamico

Puzzy,unfortunately grandkids are the most affected,unless you specifically mention them in your will as beneficiaries...they will receive nothing,just name YOUR beneficiaries only!! This may not be a "pleasant " topic but truth is,ignoring the financial aspect of a blended family should be a priority.

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Colleen Bonamico

Colleenoz,if life was so uncomplicated we wouldn't be on here...I completely respect every story every woman has to say on here,I believe in empowering women,I hope and pray every step parent can navigate through the emotional and financial aspects of a blended family, we ,at the end of the day,are good people who are following an unknown path...it's very difficult to live with not knowing what to do,say...We deal with enough negativity in our lives,please,dont hurt anyone's feelings,we are always here for you

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights,Tennessee law specifically states,They do allow biological parents to disenherit their biological children,provisional upon you can explain in your will,why you are excluding them,in the case of step children, if you are not the mother of said children, you are automatically recused (meaning,they are not entitled to any sums,property that YOU brought in prior to the marriage)That law is primarily for biological children,it doesn't say anything about step children

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Colleen Bonamico

I don't want to win,I want you to be strong,be informed and not be taken advantage of, if I can just give one step mother something she needs to feel like she does have a voice... we are each the author of own lives,we ultimately live in what we create... You are all beautiful, smart,educated women... You all deserve the utmost respect and love.Be Strong!!






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justoverit

Good evening gang,

the information is all helpful and is worth setting up with legal avenues.

This is a great therapy group for me. It helped me move my focus and realize I am not the issue. I am so glad I listened to you all.

My marriage is only 5 years old. The Skids have challenged it every minute. After the first year and a half I almost walked away over them. This group helped me put space there and boundaries. The reality of issues really is in the old family. I stopped being available as the excuse. My husband doesn’t like to do things with his kids without me. But he has too now for the last 2 years. His time with them gets farther and farther apart. I lol when someone stated that they get friendly in October for Christmas. I have observed this tradition myself.

The recent events at our home did not bring the police or ex thank goodness but it really showed my husband the level of respect his daughter has for him. While it was hard to see him get hurt it brought things to a place the should have been a long time ago. He finally stood up to her. Of course this won’t last but he got a full dose of her himself and it tastes really bad ! His stand right now is she needs to move out ASAP. This last request from her to do things for her was rejected and she was told to bad. I do think I am dreaming.... I don’t celebrate it because it isn’t a win. But I am glad he stood up for himself. It is a starting place for him to stand up for me too.

Thanks gang!! Not really over it!

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colleenoz

Colleen Bonamico, I’m not sure why you are suggesting my comment was hurtful or unsupportive. I worded it very carefully to make it clear that I am totally on southernlights’ side on this, and am gobsmacked that anyone would be so crass or greedy as to ask such questions out loud, however much they might be thinking them. Why their father didn’t ask them to leave immediately after such questions and not to come back until they could be more civil is also beyond me.

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Colleen Bonamico

Justoverit.... it is "gratifying " to finally see our husbands notice their children's selfish behavior,after 15 years ,I was like,finally....he is finally seeing what I've been telling him for years...unfortunately, it doesn't last,my husband is Italian,I'm Irish.... we both have a family first mentality but my two sons have been supporting themselves for years,his youngest son still lives with us!! I finally decided to buy a house on the beach in another state,I seriously cIm annot live with this "parasite"anymore...my stepson tells his mother everything that we do,say... this "kid " is 28 years old!!!! My husband is the kindest,most generous man I've ever seen,I finally told him,I'm buying the beach home myself and your children are not living there.

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Colleen Bonamico

Colleenoz,I 100% misinterpreted your response,when I first read it,it sounded critical.... after re-reading your comment the light came on... sorry

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Colleen Bonamico

Colleenoz,I sincerely apologize

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puzzy38

Just over it, I bet it felt great to have hubby stand up for you!!!! I now it's not winning, but it feels like your a person again in a way. Glad to hear he stood up to her, sounds like it was over do. Hopefully she'll get it. Mine just don't talk to you for maybe 10 years and four years, yes that happened! How can that be Love, I would miss my dad like crazy, God rest his soul. Hang in! Ged's speed.

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puzzy38

I just wanted to add, Thank you all for your advises, it helps to feel better about situations we all share. God Bless.

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Karen Peltier

Love this earlier comment, "You are all beautiful, smart, educated women... You all deserve the utmost respect and love. Be strong!!"

The problem is, society continues to do everything it can to whittle away at that. This is how nonchalant, for example, societal prejudices are aimed at SMs. I started watching a popular movie yesterday, P. Perfect, when a bio-dad walked into his daughter's college dorm room. He tried to have a conversation with her, and then his adult daughter said something like, "How's the stepmonster?" The dad looked perplexed, and then started to tell her. The daughter then quickly cut him off and said something like, "Really dad. I could care less. I just wanted to say the word stepmonster." She then gave an excuse to leave the dorm room, and dad was left looking sheepish, shocked and hurt. Dad said nothing, though.

So, what are we as a society supposed to gleam from this? The way it was presented, 1) All SMs are fair game for everyone. You don't even have to show that SM has a reason to be called stepmonster. All you have to do is call her one. 2) It is perfectly OK to disrespect dad's wife in front of dad. Again, no questions asked. Dad is just supposed to act sheepish and act like you had every right to insult his wife, 3) If you want to gain instant empathy (and I clearly believe that was the movie's objective in this case), just poke fun at and insult SM and everyone will be on your side instantly and feel for you.

Pause. Now, imagine, for example, if the adult daughter said the word grandmonster or bio-ho instead of stepmonster. Followed by: "I could care less. I just wanted to say the word." Suddenly, not so cute. I would imagine in this case, the adult daughter would more than likely be seen by most for what she is, basically a self-centered snit going after grandma or mom for no apparent reason whatsoever. Heck, if this were the case, most people in the audience would have expected dad to disown her right then and there vs. act sheepish and suck it up and take it.

But, since the word stepmonster was used instead, well, that's okay or even humorous, and it's perfectly fine if not even expected that dad just sat there with guilt and angst written all over his face and let his adult child get away with slamming his wife. And, all in front of at least one other person in the room too. In reality, how horrible! Everyone, and not just SMs, should be appalled when this type of stereotype is presented. It is really no different than showing someone in blackface, for example, with no explanation whatsoever. And, yet, here it is the year 2017, and going after SMs just for being SMs is seen as A-OK

P.S. As soon as I saw that, I turned the channel. And, if I had been in a theatre watching it, I would have left. I'm thru with even subtle or not so subtle jabs at SMs that insinuate they are somehow lesser beings, lesser wives, with lesser value.

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colleenoz

Apology accepted, fellow Colleen :-)

I find lots of unacceptable behaviour is modelled on TV shows and movies- poorly behaved children with smart mouths being laughed at or encouraged to ramp up their poor behaviour, poorly behaved adults...it's not just stepparents who come in for bad treatment. I don't know why popular culture portrays being a jerk as "cool".

In reality, though, too many bio-Dads are gutless when it comes to standing up for their new partners when these are being disrespected by their children or the ex. Dads (and Moms) need to let their children know in no uncertain terms that disrespecting their new partners is totally unacceptable.

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puzzy38

Southernlights, How do you go about not talking to your adult steps, My hubby thinks I should. I hate it because of the Grand kids, they are so cute and innocent, until other wise I guess. This is new for me, I figure my husband can go and they can pretend they care about him. He thinks it would bother me, but I know it wouldn't. It's like I feel like a new woman!!!! I feel at PEACE already. God's blessings.

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Karen Peltier

I get what you are saying about TV/media goes after all adults, so to speak. But, the unique problem with being a SP is that you are on notice with pretty much all just for carrying the SM label. Making fun of mom or dad or grandma is one thing. Generally, these terms by themselves carry little negative overtone and even carry more-so positive. But, what I resent and what I resented in this movie was the insinuation that the term step-mom and step-monster were more or less one in the same. And, yes, what the movie really should have shown is dad telling his adult daughter, “Well, if that is the way you feel about my wife and you have the audacity to say so, then you should also have the audacity to put yourself through college. Give me and my wife a call when you grow up and learn that the world does not revolve around you and your adultolescent angst.”

It just seems to me that society expects EVERY step-parent to settle for being
sloppy seconds or thirds or fourths. The day I went to one of my SK's weddings, it suddenly all made sense and become very clear of what I gave up and how society views SMs in general. At the time, I was married to my husband for 15 years, for 15 years! Yet, I was invisible to pretty much everyone there. To put it politely, I was treated like a wedding-crasher and my husband of 15 years was treated like he was some type of fake daddy-prop. Really, he might as well have been a full-size cardboard cut-out. Quite literally. He was expected to keep quiet, obey, and go and do whatever he was told to do. Neither he nor I had any rights at all, much less any right to act like the married couple we were. I was expected to act like the tiniest and quiet church mouse and stay in my hole, while daddy-prop was paraded around as still being connected to and owned by BM and her adult children.

Yep! That was the day I realized that not only will I NOT get any recognition for what I as a SM had given up and sacrificed, but that is the day I also realized that even years done the road, society is still going to be hell-bent on punishing me for it as well, just for wearing the label SM. My two cents, anyway.

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Karen Peltier

The basic gist is society expects you to pay the price for someone else's divorce and the fallout from that. BM and step-kids (no matter what age) are supposed to always take priority. Next comes your DH. You are fourth. Utterly, utterly idiotic, and I want no part of it. And, yes, I'm still married to my DH. I'm just now divorced from the rest of his family. ;)

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puzzy38

Karen, At my one stepD's wedding the Grand mother of the Groom asked me if that was my stepD's father and stated she thought he was dead. He was so hurt!

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights, unfortunately I cannot tell you the names involved but I believe it was in New York City

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Colleen Bonamico

Colleenoz and others,after over 20 years of dealing with my stepchildren.....they switch gears all the time,they run to their biological mother and twist and over dramatize every conversation and situation.... I will never, ever trust them again,I told my husband,they are your children,not mine,I've tried everything,and now I'm done.....if my closest friends and family treated me so reprehensible, I would have nothing to do with them ever again! Why am or any of us putting up with this disgusting ,disrespectful behavior? I finally said no way!

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Colleen Bonamico

Two years ago,I finally cut off all ties with my husbands family and stepkids... life is way to short,be the best mom you can be to YOUR biological children,give them all your love, support,I, unfortunately, realized,everything I've given to my stepchildren was a waste,I should have focused on MY SONS!!! Never again

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights.... the case is actually on google...

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justoverit

All true words!!!! At times it is even out mates that put us in a lesser place out of guilt I suppose. My husband without thinking before his mouth opened said I would not be the grandmother to his future grandkids. He said they have a grandmother already. So I took that for what it is worth. I will not attach, babysit, hold or interact with them if there will be any. That can only lead to hurt and abuse towards me. Even more open using of my good nature. Plus this way my mate can see the error of that statement since he will be on his own with them. Funny thing is I took the road of why not?? A child doesn’t have room for another person to love them? Time will tell with this where it all goes. Step mother isn’t a dirty word. Our mates should not use it that way either.

My mate is my son’s SF. But it is soooo different. My son is kind and polite and genuinely cares for him. They are way closer than his own kids. So why is this a one way road? That I truly don’t underatand.

Best of wishes

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Colleen Bonamico

Legally speaking,if your stepchildren can successfully argue that you supported them throughout their lives and they can prove that you supported them monetarily throughout their lives,they can by law challenge your will.Every one of you need to contact an attorney immediately and have it stipulated that your adult stepchildren have received nothing from you personally but from their father..... do not send them checks with your name on them,keep your name off of everything,including online purchases,they will try to take advantage of every little thing... leave your hard earned inheritance to only those that you choose!

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Colleen Bonamico

Southernlights...I cannot divulge the specific case due to my son being an attorney,nor will I jeopardize his career, I wouldn't ask you to divulge extremely private information regarding your children either.

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Colleen Bonamico

Juetoverit.... heed your husbands advice,I don't have any grandchildren,my husband has two ..... I sent gifts (no acknowledgment) ... keep the gifts because they are they are the last I'll ever send.I really don't care though,they're not related to me,I prefer to focus on my sons and my husband (he is so kind and compassionate to me) at the end of the day,they are a non existent in my world

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ajnewheart


Adult step children:

Screw the step kids if they treat you disrespectfully! Plan a trip to Grand Cayman or Turks and Caicos with your husband! Enjoy your life! I have a step son that treats me better than my own children sometimes and then I have 3 more step children that I have nothing to do with. Their loss! I spend my energy on family and children that aren't seeking negative attention step or biological. If you don't give me the respect I deserve.... well let's just say I'm not afraid to express myself completely. "Damn you look good when you are leaving" is one of my favorites.

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ajnewheart

Oh, I would like to add... We are spending most of our hard earned money on traveling and enjoying our time together. We are in perfect agreement over this. Only the children that treat us with love and respect that we deserve will be in our will. Enjoying life. No worries. Carefree living. We won't allow any stress, drama or others emotions to infect our wonderful life. We love unconditionally and demand the same from anyone allowed in our home. Otherwise..... You're gone : )

Stop giving your peace and mental freedom away to others!! That's ridiculous!!


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ajnewheart

kk sc Amen to that. I told mine to "stay in her own backyard!" I don't banter with fools like her/and or her anymore. My revenge is posting as many pictures of us on the beach and nice restaurants as I can and of course as many pictures of my children and my grandchildren (happy and having a great time) as I can. Oh well! This could have been you I think to myself smiling. Don't have time. Not angry, hurt, I'm completely ambivalent. I would say that the first three years of the marriage to the step monsters dad was hell. I have been married 10 now and have developed a unbreakable bone where all of the nonsense is concerned. #Livingthedream #dramafree : )

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ajnewheart

I'm in complete agreement about Christmas. They all start calling and trying to connect a week before their birthday and around Halloween for attention during the holidays! So transparent. No contact during the year and then all of a sudden we are expected to embrace them?? I'm going to Sante Fe for Christmas with Santa (My sweet husband)

Its our time!!

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justoverit

Kk and gang,

I swear we all live in the same house. His kids don’t do a damn thing for him all year. No cards or gifts at Father’s Day, his bday, trinket gifts at Christmas but boy do they expect a haul! The fake interest and half hearted attempts to connect here start at thanksgiving. My husbands bday is the end of October so they are still avoiding him then. The family has the tradition to write gift lists and pass them around. Not one time has his kids looked at anyone’s list nor do they bring anything to Christmas dinner. They don’t bring any gifts for their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins no one! But they expect gifts from all and happily take them. It makes me sick. My son has gotten gifts for his new grandparents since holiday number one. Well this year we are doing a different gift idea since everyone is getting older. Secret Santa. If you want to participate you have to put your name in and take a name out!! Only one gift with a dollar restriction! So I bet they don’t come for dinner this year at all. One could only hope. It amazes me to expect so much and give nothing. After the events of this summer and the last 3 weeks my fella and his daughter are still not talking... but rest assured when she wants something she’ll sweeten up. We are doing our thing happily the three of us. Maybe for Christmas this year I’ll get a change of address notice from her?! Hahahah. Come on Santa!!

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puzzy38

Love it, he will receive respect, and you. He is headed in the right direction. It takes time though, we're still learning how to do that. My hubby is so used to excepting bad behavior! I don't!!!! My therapist says we pick our battles, not to do that. Ask yourself is this really important to do this? We do it and it's not working! I'm learning too, it is hard to give in when you feel your right, but little things mean nothing, yes it is hard to change. I'm not saying not to stand your ground, but maybe it's not that important to even say anything or comment on it! I do get what she is trying to say to me. Therapy helps me feel better about myself, I got lost along the way, and I'm back! Loving that! My hubby says he feels better too, but he still defends whatever he sees fit, I'm not going there if it's bad behavior, we all know right from wrong. That's where I will remain. Love the advise also on this page. It helps to Deal!!! Gods Speed.

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ajnewheart

Everyone has had a hard life. There are no exemptions. A person has to choose if they are going to be controlled by difficult situations or defuse and disengage. Grown people don't whine and complain to their mommies and daddies. Normal people are too busy to even worry about what anyone else is doing.

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Colleen Bonamico

At the end of your life... are you going to look back and regret how much you sacrificed for your stepkids??? Life is short,I choose to make myself and my husband happy...I have no "spare rooms " for ungrateful, unhappy,unfulfilled human beings... my steps are adults,I'm not responsible for any messes or successes, I just don't care any longer.

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Colleen Bonamico

I'm just tired..... I'm tired of trying,I've given/done all I can do,there comes a time in everyone's life when you just have to give up.....I feel I've done all I can do,I'm just done, I don't need their affirmation or discrimination, sometimes the most potent weapon is complete indifference.

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lonestargigi

I'm so relieved to see the comments. Have been struggling with something for 18 months and need some advice. Two days before our wedding a year and a half ago, my husband's adult daughter got butt hurt bc she found out that my sister and husband were going with us on our destination wedding. Together, we have 7 adult children and we informed them all months before the wedding that we couldn't afford to pay for them all to go. If they wanted to pay there own way we would certainly love to have them. We planned on a big family reception when we got back to include everyone in our celebration. Well, when she found out at dinner that my sis was going everything changed. That night she had a phone conversation with my husband to be and told him that she had not wanted him to marry me and that I wasn't the right woman for him. She said her grandmother, my husband's mom, felt the same way. Sure enough he called his mom and she took the side of his daughter. I guess the 5 years we had been together before we got married wasn't enough time to let this information out...they waited until two days before we left for our wedding! Never, ever, had they ever said a peep about these "deep feelings" before. I thought I had a wonderful relationship with both of them, I spent more money on them than my own children, I put their needs above mine and my children and family. I did this bc they had been so neglected the previous 14 yrs that my husband had been in a bad marriage and because I loved them and his other 2 daughters so much. The hurt this caused me was unbearable at times. It nearly ruined our wedding and the family party was canceled. I have cried myself to sleep over this many times. My husband doesn't like conflict and when he finally got the courage to talk to them and tell them they were hurtful and needed to apologize they just became defensive. Yet, they still invite him for family dinners and want to celebrate special holidays and celebrations. Most recently asking when they can all get together to celebrate "their Christmas", without me of course. I told him we already had our Christmas with his 2 other adult children and my children. I want nothing to do with them. I don't want his oldest daughter or his mom in my home. I have told my husband that their actions ruined all family celebrations. Am I wrong? I told him I will never keep him from his daughter but going to family events without me is wrong, hurtful to me, and will cause resentment. Advice needed and appreciated!

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Southern Summer

GiGi, you are not going to make everyone happy, so you and your husband need to quit trying. Their happiness is not your responsibility.

So they don't think you are right for him.... So what? That's their opinion. It's none of their business, but they have a right to their opinion. Prove them wrong. Your husband did not cancel the wedding, and he didn't pay for baby girl's plane ticket. He chose you. Her power struggle has not worked out for her. If they aren't happy, tough luck. She can put on her big girl panties and grow up. Nothing you do is going to please them... It will simply make them more demanding. If you had treated them all to your destination wedding, they would have made you both miserable.

They are begging for boundaries, and you need to set boundaries early, and make them clear. That being said, how does your husband feel about this? The best situation would be his absolute insistence that his family treat you with respect. If he's not willing to do that, (it took my husband 15 years), and if your husband is worth it, then you should have relationships with those family members who treat you with respect, and be a good wife to your husband. Allow your husband to have relationships and spend time with any of them he wants. You are not his mother. You don't have to be friends with the haters, but you will probably regret any ban you put on hubby with respect to his family. Let him go. You will begin to see him avoiding those situations, though, because no one wants to go to social events without their spouse. Good luck. I have been doing this for 19 years, and the only workable solution we have found is for my husband to spend time with his son and avoid his daughter. I don't interact with either of them.

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colleen6166

GiGi... no matter what you do,how much you give,your steps are going to see you as someone who’s taking their father away from them... I suppressed my animosity towards my steps for years,I literally just told all of them what I really think about them(my husband was livid) I felt so relieved after I did that... now they finally know... you stay out of my life and I’m perfectly happy staying out of yours.

My husband was mad at me for a couple days but he got over it... I won in the end,I never have to interact with any of them ever again,I came to the realization “it’s my life too” .. I’m not going to be disrespected anymore and I’m not going to be “told “ what to do.

I don’t need a bunch of adult kids,whom aren’t related to me,dictating MY life.

Unless they are supporting your lifestyle,paying your bills.. don’t entertain their nonsense... I have no contact with them and I’ve never been happier! Good Luck



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Southern Summer

Colleen, I can totally relate. After 14 years of trying, I just snapped. I was done. Door slam. Profanity... The end. It was such a relief, and now I don't have to show up and walk on eggshells any more. No more trying to please the unpleasables. I don't have to listen to criticism about everything any more. I quit. They were SHOCKED. Hubby too. Years of disrespect.... Why now? Why was this abuse any different from the rest? I am still disappointed four years later, but it's a relief to let it go.

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colleen6166

One last thought... the more you focus on your skids,the less you’re focusing on yourself and what makes you happy... do what feels right and you’ll never be wrong

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colleen6166

Southernlights... I think after so many years ... the abusers never think you’re going to turn on them! Lol,they become so used to treating us horribly that when we turn the tables,they can’t handle it... poetic justice!

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colleen6166

Also,people hate hearing the unadulterated truth about themselves... when you bring up the skeletons in their closet.. they back off really fast

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peaceful101

Great, you have regain control of your life. A friend told me something wise: remove the label "family" (well at least they are our hubby's family) from the equation and ask yourself: would I let myself be treated that way by any other person? The answer is NO.

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Southern Summer

Peaceful, that's a great point. I refer to them as my husband's son, or my husband's daughter in law. Even the ones who aren't specifically hateful are complicit--- they never stood up for me. Being "family" doesn't mean having to withstand bullying, abuse, and disrespect.

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peaceful101

Correct. I just got disrespected again over the holidays. My husband's "family" member who has been antagonizing me with the support of my husband's adult daughter since the very start of our relationship decided to send us both a certified letter on New Year's Day to spill her anger (twilight zone music in the background.) My husband read his letter and was furious because apparently she accuses him of abandoning his late 20s - early 30s children lol. My letter went to the garbage unopened. Enough is enough. Let them be pathetic. Misery loves company. I am out. Peaceful.

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Southern Summer

Narcissistic trash. Let them wallow in their misery.

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justoverit

I think ,at least for me, in the beginning we all hope for a happy family life. As mothers we are open to loving all children, but they have different ideas and plans. We try, they kill the ideas of togetherness. My previous marriage we did all get along and his grown adult children were awesome. We are still on good terms even now that their father passed 6.5 years ago. This new relationship and skids are not like that at all. They have been completely miserable people. It caused a lot of anxiety, depression, and worry. When I said no more was I going to have any part of their diease I started to feel better. Once I wasn’t playing along it and they couldn’t get to me they turned on their father. (Which by the way update. Merry Christmas to me. The SD moved out in late November. Her father told her to go. So I no longer live with any of them. I just have to see them on occasion which I completely act like they aren’t there. ) that did not end well which I hurt for him but they are his not mine. Once I addressed that. I was free of it. I refer to them as your kids, I never include them as my family. Gigi good luck and hang in there. Love YOUR family and ignore the rest. Best wishes welcome to the club.

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justoverit

Peaceful101. Letters!! OMG! Good for you to toss your letter. What is your husband gonna do about it? Sounds like my house. Once I was not there to kick around the attack turns to the parent. Good luck with that. Sounds like the beginning of a bunch of grief.

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peaceful101

justoverit: You are so right! Yes they turned against my husband since they do not have any more control over me. I disappeared. My husband was furious, sent a copy of the letter to all his children asking to talk about it. Only his bitter, unhappy daughter agreed with it, the other two children thought the relative lost her marbles and basically ask "what is it any of her business?" They have grown :)

*There won't be grief since we cut the relative and daughter out. As
for me, I haven't had grief for several years now. Deep breathing.

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Southern Summer

Deep breathing into a brown paper bag. When I quit participating in drama, the drama goes to hubby, and he has to deal with it, not me.

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kk sc

My stepkids are grown and moved out of our house, we had them 24/7 and had a lot of unsupportive co-dependant behavior from the BM side of the family. It continues today and the mom has paranoia issues so none of that is good. I treated my skids with high expectations, some left asap, one found drugs and one is the shining light. Throughout the years things change-the last time my 25 yr old SD made trouble with me she told my husband-why don't you take my side I'm your daughter-my husband said I am his wife and didn't do anything wrong and soon you will walk down the aisle and become someone's wife and you will become one. she got off the phone quickly. He then saw how she wants to be number one-which is very immature and this is some of the issues that take place with skids. I have completely stopped dealing with her unless it is absolutely necessary and there is a little disappointment because a bond would be nice, but any niceness is fake and in the background is a looming attack waiting to happen that I can live without. They are my skids but I have gone through the transformation of this-they are now adults and I don't need to parent them anymore, I don't need to be involved in their lives if they make me unhappy, I will have them over for holidays of my choosing, the ones that are nice to me I will continue to have contact with. I am my husband's wife first and will not allow anyone to come between us. I'm not really losing out on anything, I have peace now. The thing with kids is they act like you are in a role and as a parent they are take take and you are supposed to be give give and it doesn't work! If my husband wants to go to lunch with his daughter or fishing with his son, I don't need to be involved, there are plenty of people I spend time with shopping, coffee whatever that he doesn't tag along. The daughter's wedding is coming and I will accompany my husband as his date and be a wonderful guest. I think it's all attitude! There's a book called Step Monster it is a good read and accurately depicts the struggles step mothers deal with, we really are the ones with the least support in the whole family system. The kids can be upset about a divorce and remarriage and act out but the Step mom is supposed to rise above it all and it's really not emotionally healthy. Good wishes to all of you!

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lonestargigi

Omg, thank you all so much for your words of advice. It' just been so heart wrenching bc I loved his mother and oldest daughter so much. This was out of the blue for me. Your advice is some of the same that 2 of my family members told me too...to just let him go and have his Christmas with them. It just still hurts. I like taking the word family out of the verbage. I don't let anyone else treat me disrespectfully so I won't let them. It helps hearing this from an outside source as you all. I really appreciate it.

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peaceful101

Hi Gigi, it was also out of the blue for me. When I cut ties with my husband's daughter, months later, her dad had a question for her: why are you so mean to her (me.) She has done so much for you over the years? Her answer, I quote: "she was playing me to get to you." Was she self-projecting? I laughed pretty hard when her dad told me. Then, my husband rolled his eyes and laughed with me.

Please remind yourself that you are not the issue, they are. Also, your husband will get tired of going alone to family's functions. Think about it, if they can't respect the woman who makes him happy, what makes you believe that they truly respect him? He would eventually see through them.

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kk sc

we can't control anyone's behavior except our own! a lot of the behavior we are witnessing is dysfunctional crap that the nuclear family doesn't see because it's been going on so long. People will change when they realize what they are doing isn't working! Rise above it, put a smile on your face, focus on your husband, pick your words and battles carefully and you will live a more peaceful and happy life, Stepkids can be extremely mean- harbored anger so easily directed at the stepmom because she is the outsider-although there is little rationale in this since it comes from immature emotions, most of them need therapy which isn't our job! From what I witness is it is extremely difficult for my husband to have a close relationship with one of his kids who is disrespectful to me (which is disrespect for my husband and his marriage too). Communicating verbally with my husband on these issues is not always beneficial but watching his behavior it is apparent their antics are not working with him. Blessings on your day!

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lonestargigi

Thanks Peaceful and kk. I really appreciate your words. I will follow that advice. I also want to know, am I wrong for not wanting them in my house and invited to our family functions?

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peaceful101

You are not wrong. Why having disrespectful guests? Personally when I am having a get together, I don’t bother inviting them. However, if my husband invites one of them, I respect his wishes. He seldom does, never the girl whom I suspect he doesn’t want around because of her nasty attitude. I also encourage him to interact (lunch, trip) with his adult kids but without me. It works for us.

Another thing you need to remind yourself. Contrary to what society wants to tell you: when you married your husband, you did not marry his family; especially if his kids were already adults at the time (my case.)

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Southern Summer

GiGi, is there ongoing disrespect from these people, or are you just punishing them for the comments they made before your wedding? If the disrespect is ongoing, then don't treat them any differently than you would anyone else who treats you badly. No rewards for bad behavior.

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justoverit

Agreed. I do not invite his adult children to functions that is completely up to him. They are not my family so I don’t do the work for them. He gets it now. They are now treating him very badly.... his eyes are completely open now. I am not rude or disrespectful but I do not go out of my way any longer for them. The SD told me once she wants a relationship with me like one of Living with a roommate in college you don’t like but have too. Just stay in separate areas and ignore each other. That is what she dishes up to me. It is her loss. I am a kind, generous, loving person. I feel for my fella to be out in this situation but I am not making it happen so I am not responsible. I just love my family and move on. They are the ones really putting the miles between them. Thanks ladies for being here! Hang in there.

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Southern Summer

Ditto. After I stopped allowing disrespect to me personally, they started on my husband. It was easy for him to make excuses for them when they were treating ME badly, (it's not their fault! It's their Mama), Even though they are adults with spouses and children. But once it was directed at him, everything changed.

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peaceful101

Gigi, your goal is to regain yourself and regain control of your life. Your stepdaughter does not have ownership of your emotions. When she realizes she can't control you anymore, she will move on to dad, then move on all together. You will find peace.

I am also a kind, loving, generous person who like to please. I put up with the abuse (really that's what it is) for the sake of my husband, I wanted him to be happy. However after years of being nice to his kids, those mean spirited individuals killed my spirit. I had become a shadow of myself. Took me years to realize that if I could not do anything about their behavior but I needed to control how I reacted to it. Once I let go of them, I was free. My relationship with his sons got better, his daughter is too self centered to change. In a nutshell, it took opening up to my husband and luckily for me, he supported my decision. Today, he is completely aware of the emotional abuse, had witnessed it and does not tolerate it. I am lucky :)

*btw - justoverit, you got the roommate's analogy, I got a phone call at the beginning of our relationship: "we know that our dad wants you in his life but we don't have to." They got their wish.

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justoverit

Peaceful- my husband was told by both his kids... she is your thing not ours. Thing?! Well without me they see him less, and get less. I was always trying to include and do for them. Now that it is just him it is practically nothing between them now. They got what relationship they wanted as well. At the cost of the one with their father. I just can’t think why? This makes no sense as a good reason why. It is truly a imbalance and illness for sure.

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Southern Summer

Ditto. It's a power struggle that they must win, even at the expense of our good will and a relationship with their father.

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peaceful101

Isn't that mind boggling, ladies?

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Ariel Anderson

Where do SKs get stmts. like these from? “SD wants a relationship with me like one of Living with a roommate in college you don’t like but have too. Just stay in separate areas and ignore each other.” And, “We know that our dad wants you in his life but we don't have to." And, “she is your thing not ours.” Thing?!

I sure hope they weren’t getting this from any professional counselors? Sometimes you do hear comments from people, usually in reference to a SM, like, “You don’t have to like her. . . but you do have to be respectful of her.” I get what people are trying to infer, but I think too many are just going to hear the first part. And, let’s face it: in this day and age, many also have no idea of how to be polite and respectful even when you may have off-feelings for someone. And, I think usually what SKs are responding to is the awkwardness of the situation and blaming SM for it, because they’ve been (falsely) told over and over that the divorce isn’t going to change anything.

What I see is that very few SKs, even as adults, have any recognition whatsoever that dad and SM are married or long-time SOs. Dad and his wife are a couple now. Mom and dad are parents, yes, and always will be, but they are no longer a couple. They gave up that right, when they divorced. SKs are not told by counselors, really, nor anyone else that once mom and dad are divorced, they need to see them solely as parents, because mom and dad are no longer a joined-at-hip couple and never will be ever again. THAT is where the focus and education should lie and not with feeding COD lies about nothing will change and everything will be just like it was before, except now mom and dad will be in different households.

Heck, even the divorced bio-parents seem to have problems grasping this and continue to act like or be confused about being married vs. being parents. This can be even after bio-dad or BM remarries, and since bio-dad usually moves on and remarries first, BM, who thinks she should still be in charge of her DH just like always, even years after the divorce, is going to come out swinging because SM is intruding on HER space, and unfortunately society even backs BMs up on this for the most part, allowing ridiculous, degrading stuff like seating bio-dad and BM together at an event, with SM in the back, even though DH and SM have been married for years. Rarely is thought even given to getting a heads-up from either bio-dad or his wife ahead of time!? How dum-dum is that? As a SM you’ve been married to your husband for 10 years, and you can’t even go to an event assuming that you’ll be seated with your husband, because people are so out of it, that years after a divorce and even when the kids involved are adults, they’ll still think that BM gets first dibs on her ex-/ your husband!!

So, adult SKs think that SM is just dad’s piece on the side, because of all the crap they’ve been fed by BM, society, even counselors, and otherwise, that imply precisely that—SM is in the way. Because, nothing is supposed to change that much after a divorce, right? As much as I hate to say it, I can almost see adult SKs thinking SM is supposed to act like a forced roommate whenever they are around, or that they can somehow maintain a relationship with dad without his spouse. Why? Because the way it is all set up by society now, there is very little difference between the way a married SM (of 25 years even!) is treated and thought of compared to a dad’s girlfriend of three months. Both are thought of as being in the way, having little to no rights, and thought of as being dad’s thing on the side. Dad needs to address this with his kids when he sees it coming. But, let’s face it. Most don’t even see it much less address it. If they do, it is usually way too long after the fact, when the animosity has been long set in stone.

No one other than a SM seems to get that she and her husband are married and they are THE couple. Amen. This is why SMs have to continually put their foot down and remind everyone, no matter what it takes, that they have the same legitimacy as any other married couple. Just because you married a man with children, it doesn’t mean you agreed to or signed up for a lesser marriage or a sloppy seconds one. I know I took the same wedding vows as any other couple. Dad and his wife (SM) deserve to be accepted as and treated as any other husband and wife period. SM is not dad’s roommate, and she cannot be discarded or disregarded any more than anyone else’s spouse can. This is what no one seems to get about being a SM. Most seem to think all that matters are the children and, through no fault of our own, SMs are supposed to ever suck it up and take it for them and the fallout from another couple’s divorce. A divorce that we had no hand or say in whatsoever! Yes, we are expected to pay the ultimate price of our freedom for someone else’s divorce. Nuts! Not me. No way. I’m not a hand-maiden. I’m a wife.

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kk sc

One day my husband & I were talking about things with the skids and he said to me "it's broken and has been since their mom & I divorced, you can't fix it because you didn't break it". This was so healing and on point for me because I think I was trying to paint the black walls white and it was wearing me out! These adult kids need therapy and need to grow up and sometimes they need to go away and grow up. Kids need to go off on their own and get some life experience and learn healthy boundaries and we need to exercise healthy boundaries. When the prodigal son returns we will rejoice, but as long as they return without an apology and a plan forget it! There are plenty of people in this world who recognize us as wonderful and valuable-lets go hang out with them!!!

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peaceful101

Ariel, I did not see it that way but you are right. We are somehow paying the price for whatever dysfunction there was between the parents before we were even in the picture. Yes those kids need intense therapy. In my case, if you have read my story, in addition to the continual meanness, I have a close family member who has been preventing them from growing up by still babying them. Oh, those poor children she used to say. The stepkids are close to or over 30 years old now. The stepdaughter finds comfort there refusing to grow up, the other stepkids are starting to see through that family member. There is hope.

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Southern Summer

I'm sorry, but I'm so sick of hearing, "poor baby, you need counseling, and we're sending Daddy the bill." Please! When do I get to claim PTSD for the way I have been treated? They are just hateful and spoiled. Not damaged, just enabled and allowed to treat people disrespectfully. That's all.

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kk sc

There surely is PTSD, most of us had no idea what we were getting into at the start. And yes they do need therapy-no daddy shouldn't foot the bill for adult kids-they need to take care of their own medical bills and emotional well-being. Kids and adults coming out of divorce do suffer. I have a stepdad that my mom married when I was in my 30s - if he was living in the house I grew up in and I was a teenage I bet I would be a big problem. So I can see their perspective-I believe the behavior would be the same no matter what woman was in my place as long as it wasn't their mom. We have codependent, enabling family members who create a great deal of dysfunctional support for wrong thinking and behaviors. These people are really bad for the kids! Those are facts. We want to be treated well, but we need to understand who we are dealing with, anger is the result of pain. I was very hurt and disappointed mostly because I had expectations that weren't fulfilled. All their behavior wasn't disrespectful, I thought it was because I wanted to mean something special to them and I don't I'm not their family or blood and it does make a difference. I don't condone mean and nasty behavior, but I also try to rise above it because I am in my 50s and have life experience and know how painful divorce is and how it leaves a person without a foundation. I talk to my husband about all these things and he does a good job of speaking to his kids when they don't act right. They do behave well when they are in my home and talk nice to me. It's not a straight line, we go for awhile and things are ok and then there's a hiccup but they are young and I haven't always had the best relationship with my mom and I know many others who struggle with their own family relationships. Sorry I'm rambling. I know myself that at times the issues with the skids have probably been blown out of proportion-not for what they did, but for the trouble I allowed to come into my marriage because of it. As far as therapy goes it is sometimes a good idea for the sm and hubby to get some counseling to learn about how to interact with the skids and expectations and protecting the marriage.

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Ariel Anderson

Your advice is really great here, kk sc. Just adding an addendum:

I hear what you are saying with this comment, "I wanted to mean something special to them and I don't I'm not their family or blood." However, if you take a microscope and zoom out rather than zoom in, you can see that there are a lot of relatives in any family that are not family or blood, yet accepted as "family" as soon as a marriage or some other commitment takes place. In-laws, for example. Any SKs' spouses, any uncles' or aunts' spouses, cousins' spouses, and so on. For the most part, as soon as an engagement is announced, they are considered family. For a further example, no one will have a problem seating SS and his GF of three months up front with him at SD's wedding; however, dad's wife of 10 years? Well, she is accidentally on purpose forgotten and placed in the back.

Also, none of that, "not being blood," excuses bad behavior. SMs, for example, are expected to cook and clean and wipe bloody noses for the SKs, yet at the same time, have no authority whatsoever over these children that are in her (and her husband's) home. She is expected to be a free-babysitter. so to speak, and get treated with rude behavior and attitude in return? You can't have it both ways. If these are not her children (as we are all so often reminded), then anything SM does for them should either be highly appreciated by all, because they are not her children, or she should be getting reimbursed for it somehow. SM's main role is as dad's wife and not as a free babysitter.

And, it doesn't matter what age the children are or whether or not the rude behavior is directed personally at SM. I agree, a lot of these SKs would be going after anyone dad dated or especially married, but that in no shape or form excuses rude behavior. If I get kicked in the butt, it is not going to hurt any less just because it was directed at my role as a SM vs. me personally. And, It may even hurt more!, because while I can change my personality, the only way I can change my role as SM is thru divorce.

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justoverit

Ariel. I have used that same line of thinking here as well. In a discussion I stated I have the same amount of family connect as all the in laws in the family. His kids are fine with all of them. Once I put it out there like that he could no longer keep the blinders on and had to come out and agree the kids had a problem with me. He made excuses for years about it but this put it in a light he could finally see from my point of view. None of it hurts less and I agree that while I am not loving this kids/ adults. The personal rejection was 100%real. I don’t accept it any longer either. They only contact dad when they want something and the holidays mainly Christmas. If they can’t gain anything they don’t make contact. I loose no sleep over it. Agreed no excuse for rude behavior. Thanks for stating the family connection!! It is 100% true!!

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Southern Summer

Great comments.

There was a time when I took the high road, kept giving, sucked it up, etc, but it only encouraged more abuse. These are not children, they are adults. I'm sorry their expectations are out of line with reality, but my life has not been a bowl of cherries either. It makes sense for people to try to get along. Since the last SK wedding three ... Oops, now nearly four years ago, I have been the one who quit. When I quit giving, they quit backing away. When I quit tolerating abuse, they quit dishing it out.


My husband's son invited him to come visit the grandkids this weekend an hour away. He says he hasn't decided whether he's going, but has only seen the baby once in nearly a year. His decision. But if they had been nice to me and appreciated what I had done for the first baby, maybe they would be in a better situation. If I had been as hateful to his wife as he had been to me, they wouldn't be eager to spend time together either.

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kk sc

Ariel are the things you write about really happening to you? I never said there's an excuse for bad or rude behavior, I'm giving my point of view from my perspective. I've heard of weddings where the SM is seated in the back corner-did this happen to you? And if it did, how did your husband handle it? We have a wedding coming up and I asked my SD if she is planning on seating me next to my husband and my husband said I expect to sit with my wife-and we were told this is just fine-also I had a conversation about the seating with my husband and if I am seated in the back he is to seat me in his place and go to the back of the room and retrieve the chair and squeeze it into the seating at the head table. This is a wedding and as every other day and yes I did have to fight for it I expect my husband to love, honor and cherish me in private and public.

Are you really expected to be a free babysitter to your Skids children while they show no appreciation and are mean to you? You are tolerating this?

My comments about being a step mom are not meant to make anyone angry. I never said there's an excuse for bad behavior, but if you ask parents who are married if they have trouble with their teens and twenty somethings-these kids are not always a treat to their biological parents either. Relationships are difficult-all relationships are difficult. A lot of the problems women have with skids is the responsibility of the father who has guilt and doesn't have appropriate expectations and boundaries and doesn't hold his wife up with respect and honor


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fpires784

I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. My sd’s are 27 and 30. We also have a 17 year-old daughter together. The 30 year old is downright nasty and mean. Her recent marriage just erupted because she did not accept her own m in law visiting her in the house that she helped pay for along with us.

When the skids were small I did everything I could to help take care of them both financially and otherwise. I thought that by being that way that they would like me better. At one point, when the skids were becoming adults I decided that I had had enough and made the choice to disengage from them.

When the 30 year old was married I was not included in any photos and neither was my husband even though we paid for the wedding. When we were introduced they said my name, but did not say that I was the wife of the sd. Guests must have thought that I was my husband’s date for the wedding.

Even though my husband and I have had a lengthy marriage, my husband’s brother, sister and spouses treat me like an outsider. At the wedding they asked him to take some pics with them. My husband thought that this was wrong and insisted I be in the photos. I went in the photo because I did not want to create a scene. I have learned to ignore them and make as though they are not there.

The younger sd is getting married soon and, although she has always been nice to me I am not looking forward to her wedding.

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kk sc

Here's another thing I don't think in all my life I ever felt so hurt and alone as when there was trouble with one of the skids and my husband chastised me for it. I felt so unloved, thrown away & devasted. There were many times when those kids were in the house that I was incredibly unhappy. I actually had a cancer tumor in my breast last summer and the oncologist said it most likely started 5 yrs ago, which is when my 14 yr old SS turned out to be the drug king pin of the neighborhood and was in my house (which could've been a biological son and the stress would've been just as bad). I have fought for my rights, my voice and my status, my love and my respect. I have threatened to throw the Thanksgiving turkey onto the lawn if no one wanted to get in the kitchen and help make the meal. I've threatened to stop making holiday meals if no one wants to help clean up! I've ranted and raved and threatened to kick them all out! It's my house too and damn it I'm going to have some things my way or to hell with all of you and that means the husband too! I've dragged my husband down to the Pastor on more than one occasion-the Pastor said don't talk to the kids unless you do it together! I took over the checkbook so SD couldn't manipulate husband out of the grocery money and she hated me and moved out on her 18th bday without even saying anything to her dad-she did it during the day-sneaky pete!! didn't talk to us for 2.5 yrs, sent her dad 1 ticket to her HS graduation and said she couldn't get anymore, but when I went to the school office to get a ticket so husband didn't have to go alone, there was her name on the list and she had returned 3 tickets-I know who I'm dealing with! She is the scorpion looking for a ride across the lake and has a sweet smile and charms until she crawls on my back and half way across she stings me. I've tried to make a bond with this gal and she's 25 fricking years old and I ask her what her wedding dress looks like-she wasn't us at family photos and I tell her she needs to communicate what her dress looks like to all the women she expects at family photos and she sends my husband a text on his phone telling him she doesn't want to put up with me anymore!! really put up with me?

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kk sc

and I read this cuz his phone is beeping and she follows up with a phone call to him at work crying and saying he should take her side because she's his daughter and he says no I am his wife and didn't do anything wrong. And then he tells me to stay away from her if she's going to act like that! Finally!! Thank you God But don't think all this crap is not hurtful and stressful! But I do have friends with biological daughters who act just as bad! Maybe not in exactly the same manner but the fights and bad behavior and there as well! The deal is they aren't here anymore and I don't have to be their stepmom and can just do the wife thing and hubby and I hang out and do stuff and there are the 2 boys that do pretty good!! I also think that as parents you keep parenting and these kids don't know what acceptable behavior is at all times, they are raised in households with obviously dysfunctional parental models so where are they supposed to learn compassion, compromise, effective communication skills etc from and soon to be divorced parents? Nope they learn to be dysfunctional, they learn how to be nasty from their biological parents. And that's the truth! My parents divorced when I was 19 yrs old and before that I lived in hell, my dad drank, my mom beat me and my parents faught all the time! This was not an example of a normal healthy household, it took years of self development to get to a point where I think the relationship I have now has respect, communication, loyalty and consistency and this is what I want to project to my skids-a steady foundation and that when they act up they need correction and to be set straight-that behavior will not be tolerated and a time out for me too!! But for now I still have prayer and hope and the life knowledge that not all things remain the same, they do change and they can get better!!!


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Southern Summer

Disengage, KK. It's not with the drama.

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Ariel Anderson

I'm sorry kk sc, but I'm also confused? I was speaking in general terms as to how most tend to think and not to you specifically. I started my post with, "Your advice is really great here, kk sc. Just adding an addendum." Sorry if you or anyone else misunderstood. Sometimes I do pound the podium too hard. Everyone on this post has great comments, including all of us SMs. Yes, I am definitely speaking from experience, and I also agree that DH bears a lot of the blame, but, for example, no one would even think of placing a SM in the back if it wasn't for everyone else around acting like it is okay, or even promoting it. This includes wedding planners, clergy, and yes, BM and SKs, among others.

I applaud you and your DH for clarifying your positions and your martial rights prior to the wedding. I, like many SMs didn't even think that to ask ahead of time. I just assumed I'd be treated like my husband's wife, because I am my husband's wife. I can't tell you how many people go around implying something like, "Well, you should have asked?" What the H-?? You mean I need to clarify to someone that I expect to be treated like my husband's wife when I am my husband's wife? No married couple should ever have to have anyone else's permission to be and act like a married couple. But, I'll add the wiser SMs, like yourself, are smart to ask. SM has every right to go to any wedding expecting to be treated like her husband's spouse/SO because she is her husband's spouse or SO. However, unlike other married couples, unfortunately for SM too few people know the difference between being parents and being married.

You go kk sc! Believe me, everything you said I agree with 100%. Make sure if SD tries to separate you and your DH and 86 you from any pictures, that both you and DH put the whole lot of 'em in their place.

ETA: Love this line, "I expect my husband to love, honor and cherish me in private and public." And, it makes perfect sense.

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Southern Summer

Ugh... step family weddings. Been there twice. This is my only photo, cropped from Facebook, and it sums up the whole bad event. We paid for photography, but we never saw any photos. Heehee.


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colleen6166

I think we all assumed we would be one big happy family at some point in our journey... it’s sad actually that our steps only see us as evil,controlling stepmoms... apparently the only “good “ thing we could do that would make them happy is putting ourselves on a “funeral pyre” ... sorry, we didn’t choose you,we didn’t give birth to you,we’re not responsible for your poor life choices,we would have loved you unconditionally if you only gave us the chance but you chose to hate us,degrade us and treat us like yesterday’s garbage... today,we don’t care anymore,we’re not going to support you,your lifestyle,your family.

We are finally done! Your actions,words and attitudes finally got through,you’ll never get a gift,you’ll only get what you’ve given us.. nothing.

You don’t need us and we collectively decided ,we don’t need you!

That was therapeutic!

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colleen6166

I would like to formally thank all of our ungrateful stepkids for showing us how not to behave!To humiliate and feign humility....rage and regret... how about just use the exit door and keep walking... cause we’re finally over you!

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ajnewheart

I’m so busy enjoying my life that I have to remind myself that I even have “steps”. The solution for step weddings is to plan a spa weekend for yourself during the event.

#livingthedream

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Marcela Taford

I can’t believe how many of us exist with like problems. I felt so alone and unsure if I’m doing it right. My situation is similar to the rest of you with a small twist. I met my husband 11 years ago and through it all I’ve heard and read all kinds of things in my direction. I have 2kids from my previous marriage and he has 2 from his first marriage too. The difference is mine were a newborn and a toddler and his were already adults. They are just about 4-5 years younger than me. His kids hated me the whole time and it caused some serious fights between me and him. On separate occasions we have even split up from 2 weeks to 6 months because I couldn’t deal with it. But then they went to atack him and he changed the situation by standing up to them and wasn’t going to listen to it. We got back together and after 4 years later we decided to have our own kids. When they found out they sent me very nasty messages towards me and my then unborn baby. Through the 4 years I’ve helped them with watching their kids buying stuff for them and their kids and always treated them politely. I included them in holiday gathering and loved having my husbands grandkids over for up to 2 weeks straight at a time. But after the repeated insults I decided that I was not going to have any more threats and disgusting things flying my way ever again and completely cut them out of my life. I am now excited to have yet another baby and recently received an apology text from one of the kids. I said thank you for the apology and that was it until my husband received a text to tell him that the apology was written because the grandchildren wanted to come stay with us and because we are now married so I too have a responsibility of a grandma that I need to step up to. I feel terrible telling my husband that I cannot have kids /grandkids over but I feel that it’s the best way to keep my family happy and drama free. I told him that he can go see them whenever he wishes to at their place but he doesn’t feel comfortable because their home is messy and smells like smoke. I don’t know if I’m being too unreasonable not allowing them in my house and judging the past I know what the future will be if I allow them back in to my life. Any suggestions or supporting thoughts are greatly appreciated:). Good luck to all of you in the similar situation.

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Southern Summer

Marcela, as I read your post, I thought your story was going to have a happy ending, with everyone happy and on board. Of course, your story is like all of our stories, and the happy ending is the one without them in our lives. They always have to ruin it, don't they? We always hope for the fairy tale, but they always choose the low road.

Marcela, you know that nothing has changed, except that they need a free babysitter. The only thing they regret is not having access to your free services. They are claiming that you are not fulfilling your responsibilities as a "grandmother" but when did they ever fulfill their responsibilities as "children"?

Stand your ground. If you want a happy and drama free home, then don't open your life to them. You will only be back in the exact same situation, and you run the risk of destroying your marriage and your home. You went down that road once. You don't need that heartache again.

We have all been sucked back in, and it never works.

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justoverit

I agree with sountern. They are just trying to get weekends away and a free sitter service to do it. It seems to always come back to what they can gain from it not what they can mend. But until they see their error they see nothing wrong. I have no grandchildren yet, but I was already told they won’t be my grandchildren... so I said I am happy your kids will have so much love they don’t need mine or my care giving. So it is already out there they are not staying with me. Boundaries are all we can do to have any peace with these family members.


It isnt always this way. But it is very often this way. My previous marriage my skids were awesome. They visited for the sake of visiting. Called to talk to both of us. We did things together and even with their step brother ( my son). Had him over and took him places. We still talk though their father passed away over 6 years ago now. My mistake was thinking all families would be blissful like that. What a painful eye opener in this relationship!!! For the first 2 years being all together these skids about pulled us apart. But it has to do with the parents and upbringing. What is allowed and not all along. Hold your ground Marcela. Hang in there ladies!! Don’t let them take your fabulous shine away!

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justoverit

I agree with sountern. They are just trying to get weekends away and a free sitter service to do it. It seems to always come back to what they can gain from it not what they can mend. But until they see their error they see nothing wrong. I have no grandchildren yet, but I was already told they won’t be my grandchildren... so I said I am happy your kids will have so much love they don’t need mine or my care giving. So it is already out there they are not staying with me. Boundaries are all we can do to have any peace with these family members.


It isnt always this way. But it is very often this way. My previous marriage my skids were awesome. They visited for the sake of visiting. Called to talk to both of us. We did things together and even with their step brother ( my son). Had him over and took him places. We still talk though their father passed away over 6 years ago now. My mistake was thinking all families would be blissful like that. What a painful eye opener in this relationship!!! For the first 2 years being all together these skids about pulled us apart. But it has to do with the parents and upbringing. What is allowed and not all along. Hold your ground Marcela. Hang in there ladies!! Don’t let them take your fabulous shine away!

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Marcela Taford

Thank you so much for your responses I really appreciate your input and support. It’s really hard to talk to anyone around me of my struggles with the situation because they wouldn’t understand how much stress it brings in to my life. I am so happy to see that there are people out there who battle with the same problem and are able to understand what it’s like stressing out over such issues. I’m not going to give in. I feel bad for my husband but I would feel even worse if I allowed them in and they caused another problem that would divide my family.

Southernlights I wonder why would they spit in the well that they would be drinking from? I never thought I’d have to be fighting to have a drama free Home. I never thought I’d have to block numbers just to avoid stress! It’s terrible that they have to ruin relationships for their own selfishness. At the end it hurts them and their kids the most.

Justoverit I totally agree with boundaries. I often remind myself a quote “ you will be treated the way you allowed it”. And boundaries are definitely the way to not allow mistreatment in our life. once the stepchildren have kids hopefully they will understand what a mistake they have made to tell you that. It’s not easy to raise children without support of a grandparents. But believe me you are in the winning if they stay out. My husband goes to birthday and other occasions to see his grandkids and he returns being tired and very irritable. He said that they are very hard to be around because they don’t mind anyone.

Thank you again.

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Annette White

I am Scared. I met my husband over 20yrs ago, his daughter was 8, 29yrs old now. we raised her, she saw her bio mom about 3 days a wk, except school & summer breaks, she stayed at home, her choice, she turned out nothing like our other children, she is Lazy, Disrespectful to Everyone, doesn't work, has kids, different dads, 3 abortions, we buy all the kids clothing, groceries, bills etc, because of the kids, well I got injured, needed help, instead,when my husband left, she got in face threatening me, cussing me in front of the kids, I pushed her out of my face called 911. Now she is sending threatening messages about me to my husband, that when I get better she will be waiting for me to be alone. She has been in jail for assault before, which we helped her with. Her dad has had to call police on her himself too. Wish we could just move

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Lisa Magoon

I was very upset yesterday. My 30 year old SD and 4 kids moved in UNEXPECTEDLY the day before thanksgiving from a very abusive marriage. Of course we opened up our hearts, wallet and love.. She came from a trashy 1 bedroom trailer. We have a big house, so gave her 2 bedrooms. Of course it wasn't big enough. She took over the couch in the living room as her bedroom. She allows the kids free run of the home it's always a mess. The kids are alwats watchingg the big tv even though we brought them one. I have been extremely ill since early Nov. but slowly in recovering my energy... I run my own business at home. You guessed it, I moved my desk into my bedroom. We gave her a cell which we pay and a gas card. She is the welfare poor me queen. She was offered a job at $100. to substitute teach at local elementary with no education. She said it would interfere with here counseling appts so couldn't possibly take it....she also is every week running her and her kids to the doctor.. the several times I spoke to her about advice for kids she raised her voice and told me how the cabbage got ate..I'm ok to babysit her kids though. I have been taken to avoiding her hiding out in the bedroom.....she even had gotten between my husband and I arguments. The blow up came yesterday when I tried to sit down and discuss how / When she was going to pay $400 of a $550. Fuel bill..and cell bill. ( she knew that this was coming as I told her a month ago she's responsible..did I mention that she gets $600 in cash aid and $700 in food stamps and hits up the food bank. She pays for nothing in my home..just does the pour me ALOT... I became the evil SM yesterday, because I wanted to discuss her bills. (Daddy always paid when she came running) He is and wants her to pay her own way, but is a runway concerning his daughter..me too. Did I mention her mom died when she was 6, poor me again... WELL I HAVE HAD ENOUGH... I'm in recovery, and they have a saying in AA. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... substitute things for SD. I can change me...we have rented out rooms before, so now she is nothing but a roommate to me. She gets out of my living room, she cleans up after herself and I am not her dumping ground emotionally. She will pay her bills. If she doesn't want to follow roommate rules, then I will give her a 30 day notice..just like the real grownup works the rest of us live in...I WILL NO LONGER BE hostage in my own home. I do however, accept responsibility for allowing all of this to happen... it is with deep gratitude that I found this website... I don't feel alone anymore because of you all...

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peaceful101

Annette, document all of the violence/abuse for the judge and file for a restraining order ASAP. In most states, you can do it yourself for very little money.

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justoverit

Annette keep all the messages and get a restraining order. It is time is seems to me for clear out of our lives boundaries. Who has her kids now? Maybe the dads need to take them for a while? You need to be safe in your home. Seems she needs to figure things out on her own now. Get some pepper spray and that order so she can’t be near you or the home. At least it sounds like her father is in your corner on this. I am sure it is all hard to do but your well being is important. That is my 2 cents. Good luck!

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peaceful101

Lisa, wow what a nightmare. The solution is with your husband, he needs to kick her out or stop enabling her. He should be the one to have a talk with her, if you intervene you will be without question the bad guy. From experience, stepdaughters have a hard time growing up. They suffer from the daddy's little princess syndrome. Make it clear with your husband what your feelings about the situation are and hopefully he listens. Also, I find it interesting that she did not consult with any of you about moving in. She may be a leech to society. She needs a social worker to help her grow up.

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Lisa Magoon

She has filed a restraining order and got all the help she can from the county. Her dad WILL not do any type of confrontation...although he is agreement. She insulted him yesterday too.....ie...SD "you don't know what it's like being poor, you always had everything you wanted ect" as he stated yesterday, he grew up ranching with very little money as I did....although it's a good point, she is already being manipulative... he's always gone working...but he will do this... if not, then I will be the bad guy..... anyway, I am the glue that holds them together. He didn't have any relationship with her until I came into the picture 6 years ago. I also handle all of our finances.....she has a bad case of the world owes me...of course trying to break us up now that I called her on her stuff...thank you for all of your kind responses...Lisa

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justoverit

Thought we could use the laugh!

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kk sc

Lisa-there are women's shelters for people leaving bad relationships who have overstayed their uninvited stay. I am the bad guy! Obviously she is not grateful for the roof you are providing over her head, heat, electricity, clean water, tp, safety. If she can't behave respectfully in actions and words, she needs to take it on down the line! Give her notice to vacate-let her go find someone else who will provide for her AND tolerate her abuse. Boundarys!! change your cell phone#'s .....my youngest s-son has a history of drugs and we've been through hell with him and paid thousands for his treatment-he is out for a few years and he sends me a text-can I come over I need to get away from the drugs-a chill goes up my back-I say we can talk about this on Tuesday (3 days away) you come up with a plan so we can see what you think this would look like-he found some other family member to take him in which was just fine with me cuz I wan't planning on it! It's your house and your life and we don't need to deal with people who act like this!


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Lisa Magoon

Thanks for the advise, your right. I have been riding the guilt wagon, because I was abused and a single parent. The BIG difference is that I worked, I was never on welfare and I got educated while working and provided a good home... I've been so ill when she moved in..in bed then slowly recovering.my house is a total train wreck...only more work for me to do.I spoke with my Husband after posting and he is in total agreement...now I just want out...your kind words have been so uplifting.... I suppose it's alot like addiction/alcoholism, I had to hit bottom before I would earnestly get sober... I see now that I am helping her maintain her emotional addiction to the poor me's and welfare...and it has affected all parts of my life.....like you said about your sson....no matter how much I want her to see, I can't help what doesn't want to be helped... we live in a small town in nw..colorado where she grew up. ...I know she is already working her "magic"... omg....thank God for this site, I was ready to explode...I've totally lost my serenity...I will get it back....I'm going to text her ( she is staying with her friend) and tell her to vacate) I will give her 48 hours to transfer her phone # off of my bill.and give my post office key back.. I will be stuck with her bills but I guess I always knew that.... It is so peaceful without her here, using me anyway she wanted...including dumping on me all the time. Where I was having trouble was the kids...they call me grandma Lisa... ..and I love them...

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Lisa Magoon

Well I did it in a text..isn't cell phones great? This is what I wrote her and what a big relief.....wow what a sense of being free and here I was going to try a rent scenario, like that would have worked.


I am giving you notice to vacate. You have been very manipulative and abusive to our kindness.. so much so that i have been hiding out in my bedroom. While you bitched about having only 2 bedrooms...no gratitude from you....just more wants, more bitching on what you didn't have..God knows that we couldn't contradict anything because you ALWAYS Told us how the cow ate the cabbage.. You have 48 to change your phone # over to you. You also have that same amount of time to change your mail...any communication is through your dad.come and get your stuff any time, it will be safe.....you will never, ever come between me and the person I married like you did yesterday...and serveral times since we took you in... look in the mirror and STOP blaming everyone else and I'm really tired of the poor me's....don't ever contact me again...how's that for NOT controlling you...I am blocking your number...


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL for your advise..RELIEF..with a capital R..

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justoverit

Wow Lisa!! How did your husband react to that? It is sad that quite often we get held hostage by the grandkids. But as much as it is hard to do the taking away of the power of that changes the playing field greatly. I wish you luck. Just know it is bound to be rough for a while.... if this is what you want stay committed. If you don’t you’ll lose all ground.


I too am truly greatful for this group as well. They have been my saving grace more than once!!

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Marcela Taford

It’s so sad to see that so many people are really having a hard life and being held in guilt traps as a result of their kindness. I am so grateful to find this thread. It’s so important in such situations to have an input from people who have experienced the abuse of their spouse children.

I want to say that it is really hard to cut off underage grandkids because I feel so guilty to let them down. It’s not their fault they were born to irresponsible people.

even when I cut the ties I still often think about the situation and stress over it. It’s especially hard when the rest of my husband family text him that he needs to put me in my place and he needs to help his grown children because one of them had a poor me moment and cried to husbands sister. Some days I am so overwhelmed with this that I’m ready to just take my kids and leave. My husband is aware of that and knows that I’m fully capable to do it and I feel sometimes that he is only supportive because otherwise he would not have a family.

I’m so tired of fighting for myself and my kids and feeling alone. I’m tired of being strong. I want to be protected for once and not having to worry about another Facebook post to demand deletion or a nasty phone call, threatening text, or a family member pull aside for interrogational conversation.

I wonder how long it will take for his family to realize that I’m out and done so they give up and let the situation calm down.

Anette White I feel you. I too wish that I could just move.

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Kim Aves

SOS, Same old stereotypes: "The rest of my husband family text him that he needs to put me in my place and he needs to help his grown children." The truth is your place is as his wife, by his side, growing old with him. Adult kids, on the other hand, are supposed to launch.

I so hear you on this one too: "Im so tired of fighting for myself and my kids and feeling alone. I’m tired of being strong. I want to be protected for once". That is why disengagement was invented for SMs, because sometimes the only one we can rely on is ourself. Their heads are all so clouded. Think of it as you are disengaging from their clouded judgement. You don't have to participate in the unrealistic scheme of things that they created in their heads. SOS, that evil SM is somehow to blame for everything. How convenient for them.

Best of luck to you all SMs! You have to find what level of disengagement works for you and stick with it. And, when you disengage from the physically, you also need to disengage mentally too, although that takes much longer. ajnewheart, above has it right: "I’m so busy enjoying my life that I have to remind myself that I even have “steps”. Enjoy life with your husband.

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peaceful101

Yes Kim, we need to regain control of our lives and at the same time protect our emotional well-being. It's a delicate balance.

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Lisa Magoon

I slept well for the first time in a long time. The abusive ex was supposed to show up in court yesterday. He lives in grand junction 160 miles away.. SD was staying with friends leaving me vulnulble from posdible attack. my husband's is on the road working. Guess what, this is very rural colorado, we live on 80 acres. my neighbor is a deputy and I got out my two guns..as no kids in the home loaded and ready for action.and let my dog loose...I have every right to defend myself. All of the local law enforcement is aware of the situation. So, would I shoot, yes I would..of course call 911 first... I do feel bad about the situation for my SD. Marcella, you are right about the mental could have, should haves...After reading all of what you are going through and the advise given from very intelligent giving woman, I was able to think clearly for the 1st time since SD moved in. The mental abuse and holding me hostage mentally finally was broken. It's like getting sober and realizing how SELF-distructing I've been to me..what I was and am willing to gamble for my happiness is my marriage. This is my decision. I did text Husband as I couldn't reach him by cell. I then had a short conversation with him and explained why I did what I did...of course poor me SD immediately blew up husbands cell... I explained to him how abusive she's been and went over several times that included him. and from his past when I wasn't in his life. I asked him how did that work out for him...he said, not very well. We will discuss more when he comes home today. I know blocking her number and on Facebook is a good thing mentally. Oh, I will defend my home. I also am caring for an adult disabled son.... I said to my husband, the only way SD will ever be in life is if that she apologizes and we three go to therapy...like that will ever happen. This is the welfare queen that's applying for SS disability because of her trauma. I don't begrudge her getting all the help she can. In fact, very much I encourage her to utilize all resources. I offered to bring her into my businesses( a successful one) and SHOW her business skills that I have acquired and to share profits. I sat with her once and gave each of us a list of things we both needed to get done which she done nothing. I never brought the business up again. Tuesday, blow up day, SD accused me of controlling her...I am a very patient teacher...she has only has worked at fast food..when she works. Here is another disgusting thing that happened after she came here. She used her Facebook "friends" and was able to have them send her over $1300 in Dec for her poor situation..She went on vacation filling up before and after on our fuel card..thank god it wasn't a visa. That's when I sat her down Jan 3rd and explained to her we would cover $180 of the amount that come 2st Feb. She is responsible for rest.. You know we didn't see a dime as she continued to use up fuel on our account and cell bill...she also has 4 yr old in full time pre school that cost $260. Instead of half day thats free....(she has ger kids in after school care that the county is paying for) I'm sure she is doing the same thing now with me being the ugly SM..getting any money she can manipulate out of others. I'm really ok with that. That's a great price to pay to spring me from my mental hell... I did tell my husband, I will never, ever live with her again. I made that very clear last night. I know husband is really relived that she's gone...I will share with him, I don't ever want to know when she's contacted him, unless it affects me as in money or time away that he spends with her...I do feel really bad for 4 kid's. They have become my grandkids and I love them alot. I am sticking to my decision like glue. Stuck with an $600 fuel bill...cheap I say to get a divorce from SD... thank you all for sharing your stories and for some common sense advise...I am grateful..Lisa

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Marcela Taford

Lisa wow just wow! Good for you to find courage and end the enabling of free rider. I’m happy for you and your husband to be relieved of an aggressive, and abusive leech. People like that don’t want to get help getting a job. They are very comfortable to lounge all over town and interestingly they get more free time, money, and comfort than those who they use. I’m surprised to hear that people like that always have a babysitter to leave their kids so they can go out to eat at the restaurant. And I’m talking about a person who had no job and no place to live but has no problem going out for dinners. I’m not saying that she should not have a chance to go out but 4- times a week is a bit expensive even for people with a good income. I sure could not afford it. I can’t imagine that allot of friends would put up with that much longer either. I am also self employed as well as my husband but I cannot work out of my Home until my husband is home. I schedule all of my jobs that they don’t interfere with my kids schedule because my kids are homeschooled my husband leaves Home as early as 4 am and my kids start the studies by 7 am my schedule sometimes is shifted in to the night and I may not come home until 3 am oh and did I mention that I’m pregnant and have plenty of health conditions I could cry over but I don’t get a babysitter and no one will pay my bills or for my kids. I don’t complain about it. I chose the life I’m living. But I surely not going to waste myself and my hard earned living on people who are not willing to help themselves. Lisa even if she apologize and agrees for therapy I would not have a relationship with a person like that again. The bridge is demolished and you can’t use old building material to build a new bridge. Think of her as the building material. As for the grandkids I’m also having a difficult time not being able to see them. I hope that time will heal but I still feel like I’m letting them down. I want them to have a good life and learn that life is what you make of it and not what others give you. There are many of us who can cry a river and we all can come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid work, and building self controlled life independently but it doesn’t help anyone and surely doesn’t benefit anyone.

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kk sc


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Lisa Magoon

Marcella, you sound like a hard working mom who is balancing both home schooling and working from home. That takes alot of drive and courage. You must be physically exhausted. Emotionally, it must be exhausting too...and your pregnat..do you have a support system? What kind of outlet do you have? Here is a suggesting for you, that was made to me in Jan... I was to pamper myself with something I've never done before.....my sister is flying in to grand junction and we are staying at Glenwood hot springs hotel...biggest hot springs pool in the pool...thast sure does bring a smile...we are splitting cost..so I can afford it..you are right about SD...I just came back from paying on her co-op fuel bill... I found out she was "mean to the woman that was just trying to help het...that woman is the daughter of the manager... guess what, because she was mean...they shut off the fuel card...brings a smile to my lips...they said to me, that they typically wouldn't have done that....I told them to keep it frozen...yup she is burning her bridges in this small town...husband came home and we sat down. .I went through a list of how she has manipulated us to insanity...She is one sick puppy....he didn't know about most of it...the latest manipulation before she left was how her kids didn't want to stay with me, yet I watched them 3 nights last week and all was ok...She was setting me up for a long babysitting job...i can see that now..also was very upset because my husband told her we would not be available to babysit her kids on week ends as that was the only time we had together...as you really know, there is so much more....I made it very clear to husband...She will never get one more thin dime from us..and that she isn't to come here to our home period...He is a man of few words...but did agree with the many ways she has twisted both of us to suit her...and agrees she isn't allowed in our home...he showed me her text...She was doing the poor me crap....and she forwarded my text..... I asked him, do you disagree with anything I said? He didn't... you are right about never trying to build a bridge on the same wood...boy would that suck me back in...So tell me Marcella, do you have a strong support system? I am feeling that you have way to much emotionally going on...you are pregnant, your health must come 1st..because if you don't, then all that depend on you staying well will fall apart......

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peaceful101

Way to go Lisa. You have fought hard to regain your sanity. Kudos to you, take courage.

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Marcela Taford

Lisa thank you. It’s hard to find “me” time but I’m very happy with most aspects of my life it’s very difficult to keep up with all the stuff but it is not something I want to change. It’s really rewarding to see that my kids are well and I get to be there with them most of the time. My husband is supporting me too but when his side of the family start calling then he gets kind of withdrawn from me and I can see that it really bothers him that he cannot change the situation. It’s especially hard now for me because I’m also more emotional than usual and when he gets quiet it makes me feel like I’m in the wrong. I don’t have anyone who can advise me on stepfamilies relationship because nobody In my circle had to deal with it. I’m happy to see that this is not just me and that this kind of problems are somewhat common with step. It’s funny to hear that husbands mom would tell him to put me in my place because not only she was in physicaly abusive marriage but my husband won’t talk to his father as a result of it. My husband would kill himself before he could ever do anything mean to me.

It’s good to hear that you and your sister are going to a getaway vacation. I wish you the calmest time to relax and recharge. All this stress shall pass and we will come out even stronger. And mainly much happier.


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Lisa Magoon

I've had to do alot of re-working of my boundaries in the past 6 months...and boy has that been really uncomfortable. My husband is a quiet one.. I was always asking how are you feeling, doing ect...the other big item is or was that I was constantly worrying about him..especially in winter...I never knew where he was or what time he would be home often past 10 at night...many many tears, snot, and arguments...I was living in resentment all the time...I decided, for me, that I needed to change me, he was perfectly happy with himself... so I told him, don't ever tell me where you are, what you are doing and when you expect to be home....also told him never call me after 8..as my expectations are on that time and he says he's coming home.he was always late. We have our 5th wheel in grand junction and I'm there part time for business ..I gotta tell you, it was a very uncomfortable feeling for me...For him, he was miserable. I've slipped in old behavior, but stuck to my guns....I have so much more peace now...I also don't ask him or try to read his mind on his mood....seems cruel, but this is working for me.... My support system is AA. (to me this sitebfeels lije AA) I can go into a meeting and do my bitching..and get relief...I am also going to join Alanon...(I grew up in an alcoholic home)..which is all about boundaries and not controlling others..which of course we can't. Your advise has been spot on...it's like you really know as most of these woman know... when you all woke me up to the insidious control by my SD...it was instant...I just didn't know what to do...now that I have, it's the right decision for me. We actually watched our TV in our living room last night...it was peaceful....I can't get my mind to stop working overtime sometimes though... other than me talking once with with my Husband, I haven't brought SD up or talked about her at all...and I wont.. My husband is happier today... as I am...to talk ABOUT HER is to drag her into my thoughts...she isn't going to rent space in my mind, if she does occasionally, then I have a vacate my mind sign up.....Marcella, everyone needs me time. When I was a single parent, I hired a sitter to watch my kids once a week for me time... that isn't selfish, it's called recharging you so you can be more at peace and not feel like the world is resting on only you.. Thank you peaceful for your continued comments, they are much needed... I love southern's wedding photo....this is a much needed site....

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Kim Aves

I like the quote kk posted above too. When it comes to step-life, the quote should be: Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in some other family’s war against themselves. Very appropriate and very true.

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Southern Summer

The hardest thing is not any one of many painfully gut wrenching moments or memories. It's that in the final analysis, I loved them, and expected love in return... and there was just nothing.

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justoverit

Southern lights I completely agree. In all our relationships with all different people we get hurt and have bad moments with them... but it is truly the expectation that if I loved them that would be returned and the complete personal rejection of that was the worst.

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justoverit

Southern lights I completely agree. In all our relationships with all different people we get hurt and have bad moments with them... but it is truly the expectation that if I loved them that would be returned and the complete personal rejection of that was the worst.

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Kim Aves

Another great comment SL. Here is a quote from Wednesday Martin, Stepmonster, author: ― "Stepmothers need to put their own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to "fix" something that you didn't break yourself."

This ↑ ↑ ↑ is what is really at the heart of how I feel now years down the road from many eye-opening experiences and much research. This and what you, SL just wrote: "The hardest thing is not any one of many painfully gut wrenching moments or memories. It's that in the final analysis, I loved them, and expected love in return... and there was just nothing."

The reality is, it is not our job to fix something that we didn't break, it is not our job to put up with being treated as a lesser wife, and it is not our job to accept nothing (or worse) in return for love. Our job is just like everyone else's job in this world--to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others, if need be. Take care of yourself from the inside out so that you can fully experience life.

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kk sc

I read that book too about 7 years later than I should've, it would've been a great eye opener before I moved in with them.

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Southern Summer
I recently read StepMonster based on your recommendations... excellent insights. Thank you for that.

My husband has been in the hospital for a couple of days. The inevitable question came up...”do you want to call your son and let him know you are in the hospital?” He said “no”.
It was a relief to me not to have to deal with step family issues right now.

Ironically, my husband’s childhood nanny also came up in conversation, and I said, “she never liked me.” That was actually an understatement. She was my husband’s full time housekeeper until we married and then she abruptly quit and went to work for his ex wife. My husband said, “you just weren’t in their gang, that’s all.”

Of course it’s not an excuse, but thinking about all of this on tribal terms makes it somewhat easier. We were just never in the same tribe, and it was never going to happen. No excuse for their bad behavior, but it’s less painful to think of it in that way.
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kk sc

the SD is getting married in June and I inadvertently found out she was to have a bridal shower this past Saturday in town that I was not invited to. I am beside myself with this information and am being told not to approach her on it or ask if I will be invited to a shower. And yet I am expected to show up for the groom's dinner and wedding, pay for dog sitting and hotel rooms and include her in family gatherings going forward! I am hurt beyond belief and don't know if I'm going to be able to hold it together! Help!!!


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kk sc

we wrote her a check last October after her meltdown about me asking about her wedding dress which was like WWIII, she sent her dad a text telling him she didn't want to put up with me anymore, followed up the next day with a cry baby fit and he basically told her this isn't working. Then she blocked me on FB, Instagram and her phone. I am the bigger person and have had her & her fiancé over for the holidays and took her to dinner for her bday in March. Everyone is telling me to buck up and go to the wedding, think about your husband's feelings, that everyone will talk bad about me. So I just sent her a phone text asking if I should expect an invite to any of her bridal showers - why do I have to tip toe around about this stuff-if I'm going to be treated like crap I don't have to continue to invite her into my home and place a plate of my home cooked food in front of her?




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Karen Peltier

kk sc, speaking as someone who was very unexpectedly treated like dog Doo at a SD's wedding, this is the best advice I would offer too: ". . . write them a check, and not attend anything. I wish I had not attended the wedding or rehearsal or anything. It would have saved a lot of sadness and grief." It doesn't have to literally be a check. Send them one of the S&P shakers from their registry and write a lovely note on a lovely card wishing them all the best. Then, you're done.

And, pls. stop being the bigger person and taking the high road and sucking it up and taking it, and so on. All these sayings are are ways for society to attempt to force SMs to take a boatload of crap no other normal woman in the year 2018 would ever be expected to put up with. You don't owe your husband anything regarding having to attend events with him and to serve as some sort of buffer for all of his adult children's angst. And these type of 'damned if you do' and 'damned if you don't' expectations of SMs especially piss me off.

Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, society tells us SMs we are supposed to hide and act invisible whenever the initial family is around and take whatever mud is slung our way, AND, at the same time, we are supposed to go to support husband!? Who is expected to support us at these events? No one. All I can say is, after my SD's wedding, I fully knew what the term witch-hunt meant. Nothing like being tossed back in the throes of the late-1600s. I don't take that kind of crap any more. I know better now. As a SM, do what works for you. No one else will be looking out for you nor giving you any kind of reward for "being the bigger person."

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kk sc

Thank you lyledbetter and Karen for responding, I did receive a response back and the shower is just friends-no family-there are only 2 of us in the area. The resonse was curt and uncompassionate. I guess I understand why she's keeping family at arms length considering how everyone is, but you are correct about taking her at her word. I am still blocked on Instagram and such for what reason I don't know, I'm sure she isn't treating her new mother-in-law in this manner-so I don't understand why I should endure it! I keep telling myself to act like this is a work friend of my husbands and just go to the expected events-but it's not a work friend, everyone says I should not let her make me feel I shouldn't go and I belong on my husband's arm, but to be quite honest I think this entire thing is making me feel depressed. I think her behavior towards me is rude and unfriendly-why would I go to someone's wedding that treats me this way? I actually feel quite terrified to go to this, my husband asked me the other day if I just wished life was over and I said no just this wedding.

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kk sc

my husband is a forgive and forget kind of guy and he sees all this as an emotionally immature young woman-who actually did print my name on the invitation envelope. I am depressed and confused, everyone is saying I need to go to this and not let her separate us and I'm like why? it's only a couple of hours out of our lives for him to go, this whole thing reminds me of the hs graduation when she sent him one ticket and yet turned 3 back in. She is mean! With a smile on her face. I have apologized to her more times, and made every effort and nothing seems to come back to me in a positive. She doesn't acknowledge the gifts I give her unless they are from both my husband and I -this is really beside the point. I keep hearing I need to go and not let her win-what does she win? she moved out and didn't talk to us for 2 yrs and my husbands family took me off the family email list and we weren't invited to any family activities while she wasn't talking to us. I went to a wedding with his family and it was awful, no one talked to me! When my husband went to the bathroom I sat there trying to carry on a conversation without success and I'm not a social misfit so that's not the issue! The BM is mentally unwell and lives in a hole in the ground behind her parents house. So my husband has all this guilt and also wonders if a couple of these kids are not quite right in the head-if not biologically then by learned behavior. My husband is the nicest, God fearing man and he always has something nice to say to any of my complaints. So I am very confused.

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Karen Peltier

First of all, were any of those friends advising you to go SMs? If not, sorry to say, but their advice is basically meaningless. Very few, other than a SM, someone actually in that situation can imagine the bizarre dynamics that can come up. Although, I know some SMs do still have that feeling--go, don't let anyone separate you and your DH. BUT, there are 2 problems with this assumption. 1) Your husband, out of fear, societal expectations, etc., may go running off with BM as soon as she snaps her fingers, regardless; and, 2) Not every SM has the ability to suck it up and take it with a smile, while at the same time not letting it bother them. Again, do what works for you and your step-situation.

Also, you hear stuff like this all the time, "SMs are supposed to act like aunties," or "act like this is a work friend of your husband's" and so on. As a SM/ dad's wife, you are none of these things. You are dad's wife--you live with dad, sleep with dad, have your own home together, and more. And, this belies the fact that many SMs are viewed as being somehow beneath the initial family. Believe me, no aunt or wife of a work associate would ever, ever be expected to put up with the rude (sometimes societal condoned) treatment that SMs are expected to put up with.

Could you imagine, for instance, an aunt or wife of a business assoc. going to a wedding with her husband, and then as soon as she gets there, her husband is stripped from her arms and paired up with and paraded around with some other woman like they are still ones and onlys, while the real wife is expected to just sit it all out!? AND, that other comment I hear all the time too--"it is only for 1/2 day or 30 minutes, or ?" Do people not know how quickly that starts to all add up?, and people are basically advising that you put up with gasps, eye rolling, shame, humiliation and a potential figurative big ol' kick in the butt, just because it is ONLY for 2 hours!? Do these people who say these sort of things even listen to themselves?

Anyway, best of luck to you. Like I said, and will keep saying, do what works for you. If you don't want to go, don't, and that isn't just for this event. It is for any future events as well. For me, I get to now pick and choose which events I'll go to with DH. I make my choice, and he makes his. If he decides to go alone, he usually goes just long enough to say hello and make a few inquiries about his adult kids, and then he comes back home. It took a while for him to feel more comfortable with that, but I just kept being very honest and firm with him about I don't have to play that game. He's starting to get it now.



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kk sc

I'm wondering how do you know all these things will happen? I find it hard to believe that all this planning and expense for a wedding is really going to be a burn me at the stake event? My husband and his ex don't get along and he has assured me that he will not allow them to pair him up with her in any way shape of form. I am wondering what overt behavior is guaranteed from his side of the family. Why am I forcing the issue and creating a horrible event? And how am I at all responsible for the behavior of others or expected to forecast what will happen?

The reason I post on here is to get some rational advise from some SM who've been in this situation. I don't believe all hell with break loose if I attend an event I was invited to. I agree that my SD behavior is not inclusive and hurtful, but I also believe she is emotional immature and spoiled and possibly jealous of my position with her father. We all have feelings. I've asked her if she intends to unlock me from social media and I will see how that response goes.

I do get hurt because of things and it maybe because I do want happiness and harmony, I don't want this to be the end of the road. I don't want to take my ball and go home and be by myself while my husband goes to these events. Does every SM end up really hurt and heartbroken in these situations?


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colleenoz

This is so sad. When my DD was married, her husband's (divorced and remarried) parents were invited along with their respective spouses (all of whom get on well with each other) and all treated with honour at the head table.

While I'd be tempted in your shoes kk to just say, "Well screw it, I'm not going," I fear that if you don't it will just give BM, SD and that side of the family more ammunition to have a go at you with. So, my advice is,

Stop stressing about what might happen or how you might be treated. It may or it may not, but winding yourself up about it will put you in a poor frame of mind to deal with anything bad or enjoy anything good.

Go along prepared to have a good time, independent of anyone else's behaviour. Enjoy picking out a nice outfit to wear. Enjoy getting all dressed up to go out. At the ceremony, admire everyone else's outfits, the venue, whatever. At the reception, enjoy the food. Do not predicate your enjoyment on how others behave towards you.

If others make nasty remarks, just say something neutral like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Put the ball of nastiness back in their court.

After the wedding, unless your SD makes clear moves to be kind and inclusive, just don't invite her to your home until she does. You don't have to include her in family gatherings unless you want to. You don't really have to host family gatherings at all. Just say, "I think it's time I passed this on to the next generation," and bow out.

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lyledbetter

Go for it. Maybe past behavior isn’t indicative of future behavior. Maybe this is the event that will show that everyone has put the past behind them. Maybe this time will be okay. I hope it works out.

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colleen6166

I absolutely refuse to attend every event my Skids have... I never send an acknowledgment, I simply throw it in the trash,I've become immune to them and happily maintain zero contact.

Acknowledging them is giving them control (no matter how minor) ignoring them completely sends them a clear message ( she's ignoring me?? Is she turning dad against me?How can I retaliate if I never see or speak to her? What is she up to?)

I prefer to keep them permanently on the hamster wheel of self doubt and perplextity,indifference is a powerful weapon .








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lyledbetter

Colleen, I understand, and I realize that you didn’t arrive at this point without plenty of heartache. When I see the ex wife or her sisters out in public, I speak to her by name, but she always snubs me. It happened recently at a funeral and again the other night at a choral event where I was singing. She and her sister sat immediately behind my husband, and made a point to come up afterwards and speak to the singer standing behind me, but ignore my greeting. I was surprised to see her, but not surprised that she was rude. I no longer receive invitations to events... and why should I when I am not family? The emotion that escalates at a step wedding or holiday absolutely accentuates the rudeness and exclusion. After so many disappointments, hope is long gone. I didn’t start it, and I didn’t turn their father against them... they did that. I just benefited from it.

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Karen Peltier

To answer your question, kk sc, "Does every SM end up really hurt and heartbroken in these situations?" The answer to your question is a definite No. It is true that not every SM ends up really hurt and heartbroken in these situations. BUT, no one here is telling you not to go because that will happen. They are telling you not to go because it sounds like in your case, it could happen. AND, the biggest point I think we are all trying to make is that you should not feel any obligation to go if you don't care to.

I should have pointed out earlier that you could go and things could just be fine, esp. if your DH has made it clear he will have your back and is aware. But, and it is a big but, you never know what can go down at these things. In my situation, both my DH and I thought all was well, nothing to worry about, and we were both looking forward to going and celebrating SD's special day with all. To make a long story short, when we got there, I was entirely pushed aside, not allowed to be in any pictures, and finally found my own seat just before the ceremony when DH was MIA, only to watch him a couple of minutes later walk BM down the aisle, hand in hand and then have them sit together up front. My DH (nor I) did not know any of this was going to occur and we were at the rehearsal dinner the night before!! Unexpectedly, just as the music was starting, the minister came up to my DH and told him to take BM's hand and walk her down the aisle. My DH, if anyone bothered to ask, would have wanted no part in this, and he and I were both taken aback and shocked.

I was so major-league pissed that day it was beyond belief. My DH and I got in an argument that lasted for weeks. I was very blunt about how I felt. I was so angry at him for not looking out for me at all!, and I didn't care what plans were made behind both of our backs. . . It was still his job to look out for his wife and not feed into someone else's fantasy of what they thought the relationships or connections should be. This whole incident got me seriously wondering what I got myself into and what I may have very unknowingly given up when I married my DH. Because it sure seemed to me that even though this was my first and only marriage, I was expected to give it all up whenever BM, minister, SKs, whomever felt like it.

Anyway, making a long story short again. . . After years of research and blogging, I realize there is a huge disconnect from society as a whole as to how it views divorce vs. remarriage. And, I don't want any part of that. I was never divorced myself, and I'm planning on my marriage to my DH to be my one and only. There is no way in H- I'm going to let anyone ever, ever treat my relationship/ marriage to my DH like it is invisible or inconsequential ever again. And I have the right to feel that way--to feel like I should be treated as my husband's wife because I AM my husband's wife. So, if that means disengaging from or avoiding people who don't get it--that I am my husband's wife--then so be it. Do what you may, but unfortunately in SP'ing there are never any guarantees that things will go as you anticipate, and there are never any guarantees that roles will be honored as they are.

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lyledbetter

Ditto

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kk sc

I am honestly terrified of this whole thing. I'm not sure I'd even be able to relax enough to smile and just be freaked out the entire time. I kind of have this idea that I won't be in any family photos and I'm just being used to transport my husband according to the timetable. creepy, it just feels creepy. I'm being told to not burn bridges, but I don't think I'm the one putting the match to the bridge. I can't for the life of me think I should go to a wedding of anyone who makes it clear they don't like me and only tolerate me because I am their father's wife-it is really terrible.

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kk sc

I looked for a response from you Lyledbetter because I wanted to reread the part where you mentioned to take her at her work and I can't find that post now. I thank you all for the comments about my situation and you have to know this is very depressing for me. I believe a husband should protect his wife, even from the mean behavior of his children. I think mine is oblivious and if I trust him to take care of me at this wedding there is so much that would slide by and he wouldn't even notice what's happening. Yes I will make myself nuts belaboring the whole thing, but at the same time would I put up with this from anyone else in my life? Would I even dream of attending a wedding for someone who unfriended me and blocked me on social media, who doesn't make an effort to acknowledge a relationship with me or even try to reconcile. So anyway thank you all.

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Karen Peltier

Just going to end with, I can’t say this enough: “Not every SM has the ability to suck it up and take it with a smile, while at the same time not letting it bother them. Again, do what works for you and your step-situation.” There is not a one-size fits all for every SM.

Since SM is dad’s wife, it should be assumed by all that she wants to be treated like dad’s wife, meaning sitting with her spouse, just as any other spouse would be seated, among other things. I’ve even seen some try to claim that if SM gets dumped on at a wedding or other event it is somehow her fault for not asking. What the H-? You mean that I’m supposed to clarify with someone that I want to be treated like my husband’s wife when I am my husband’s wife? Why would I think I would be treated any differently? Again, SM is expected to just somehow know how low she is and clarify or obtain permission every step of the way from someone in the initial family that this time around, can she act like dad’s wife or not, or will BM or someone else be taking her place? That is utterly ridiculous. In the year 2018, SM is supposed to act like a literal biblical #2 wife.

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colleenoz

Karen, you speak as if it's a cut and dried thing that _all_ SMs will be treated like second class citizens. This is not the case. Yes, _some_ SMs are poorly treated. Some SMs are treated well. I don't think society as a whole has any concretised expectation of how SMs should be treated.

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lyledbetter

Colleen, you are absolutely right that many step mothers are treated well. I think we would agree that KK is not being treated well, and her husband seems okay with that. Does anyone, including KK think that this will automatically get better because the wedding day arrives? This is a golden opportunity... better than blocking in social media; better than an invitation snub; better than badmouthing her to daddy; better than anything. He can’t set boundaries with them, and they are in control.

After 15 years, my husband staged an intervention with them, and the basic answer was that they would rather have no relationship with either of us than to be polite. I’m okay with that. These are not kids. They are adults in their thirties with kids.

Colleen, if you haven’t read Stepmonster, a book about society’s attitudes toward stepmothers, it’s a must read. I found it interesting that the most difficult step relationships are typically with stepmothers, and that most stepfathers don’t have the same degree of conflict from stepchildren. Also, the profile of the most difficult scenarios are presented: teenage stepchildren, etc. and the book book makes recommendations based on statistical data.

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Karen Peltier

colleenoz, considering that earlier I wrote above: "To answer your question, kk sc, "Does every SM end up really hurt and heartbroken in these situations?" The answer to your question is a definite No. It is true that not every SM ends up really hurt and heartbroken in these situations." I do think your comment is uncalled for.

You are also right, that "Yes, _some_ SMs are poorly treated. Some SMs are treated well."

On the other hand, I do think that society as a whole has concretized expectation of how SMs should be treated. And, I do think weddings in particular bring this out. I've done my research, and the stories I have heard should make anyone's head spin. I gave just one example, my example above. There are definitely more examples out there and worse. Now, I'm in no matter, shape or form saying SMs are going to be treated like shiatsu at weddings every time. But, I am saying it can happen, BECAUSE most people have no problem looking the other way when it comes to a SM being downsized.

Most people have no problem looking the other way when it comes to a SM being downsized, and I know of one poster here who stated that her negative experiences at her SD's wedding affected her more deeply than the death of her father. I can't make that claim, because fortunately I haven't lost my father yet. But, having gone through what I went through, I can actually see where it could be worse.

I am not going to belabor the point any more, because I admit I have been going on about this a little too much. My main concern is to prevent or at least give other SMs a heads-up about what COULD occur. All I'm going to add is that until you are in that situation--a strong, intelligent, well-capable woman, with a husband who is near-and-dear to you, and you go to an event and psychologically get your butt handed to you on a platter, and people who you thought had at least some care or love for you are treating you like you are a door-mouse who just ran across the church floor and are trying to stomp on you in front of hundreds of people, all the time trying their damnedest to keep you and your husband separated--you have absolutely no clue of the gut-wrenching pain that can be involved. I literally feel like I lost two SKs and part of a husband that day.

And, since I've done my research, I know I'm not the only one who has ever been in that situation or felt that way. How sad that while every other husband and wife can attend an event and know for sure, unequivocally that they are a couple and will be treated as such, that not every SM can make that assumption. Everyone should be upset by how SMs COULD be treated at these events and not just SMs, because if they were, then these sort of things would never happen.

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kk sc

thank you lyledbetter, I've been looking for the comment you sent me about taking her at her word-that was a very enlightening comment and I did ask her if she really meant it and didn't receive a response, I also send her a message that I can't reconcile this on my own and have not received a response or any action on her part. Thank you for your message, the feelings I have are in conflict with everyone's direction and advice other that some of you here. I feel impending danger, I don't feel safe about this upcoming event and especially SD. I don't blame my DH, it is really hard for him to understand how I feel or see things from my perspective cuz he isn't me and these are his kids.

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colleenoz

I am well aware that there are SMs who are treated inexcusably (this has happened in my son-in-law's family- not by him, but by others) but I suspect that at least part of the reason why others don't intervene in cases of poor treatment at events is because of a societal reluctance to stick one's oar into other people's business, and the societal expectation that we don't raise ructions at events such as weddings. I'm not sure that as a guest I would be game to go up to a bride at her wedding and challenge her on her behaviour towards her stepmother.

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kk sc

Thank you Colleen and Karen too for your input, I do appreciate it! Although I really wanted to here-go everything will be great, deep inside I believe what you are telling me to be true. This particular step child has been the worst of the bunch and I would do well to stay clear of her and her nastiness towards me. After all that has happened, any change in behavior would be a ruse and I would quickly realize once again what she is all about. I need to trust my gut! And you are all right I am not being treated well now so how can I trust anything better will come my way at an event such as her wedding! I am not speaking to my husband about this or my heartache or her name any longer, I will process this and make my own plans. I do say to him that a husband is supposed to protect his wife always! I'm not sure our husbands are programed to recognize the issues the we are so upset about. In the lives of SF, I believe the reason they don't suffer as we do because BM recognizes bad behavior and snuffs it out. I have relayed to my husband that if I had kids they would never get away with treating him the way I've been treated. So have a great day and I'm off to do something good for myself!

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lyledbetter

“negative experiences at her SD's wedding affected her more deeply than the death of her father.”

That was me.

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kk sc

I have been toying with the idea of showing up for the wedding, sitting in back and then exiting the scene-I could beg off for health reasons or something creative-that way my time there would be like 1/2 hour and how much could possibly go wrong in 1/2 hour? plus if I showed up by myself and didn't enter into the 'family' area I might make it out unscathed!


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lyledbetter

That would probably work, just lower your expectations, and pretend you are invisible.

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peaceful101

Hello everyone, I was away for a short time therefore I could not give you my two cents on the situation which I gather has to do with a pending wedding. I apologize in advance if I miss anything. I was in that predicament last November when my husband's younger son got married. On that day, I played dead and let my husband go.

My humble opinion is " Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions." Through the years with his father, I have barely talked to that son, he does not talk to me. I don't even think I have his cell phone number. I don't have a bad relationship with him, I simply don't have any. Why go to his wedding when I don't really matter? His dad is the one who matters here and as it should be, he went. I have full support of my husband since he is fully aware of the nastiness towards me and has always defended me. I am lucky in that sense.

Three years ago, I have decided to let go and regain control of my life. My husband's family unfortunately has always ignored me which used to hurt me badly since I will make so much effort to get included, hosting dinners and all, spending a lot of money helping, etc. I came to the realization that they do not care and will use everything you do or say against you. Why in hell, would I want to be surrounded with people like that?! Today through my total silence, they finally understood that I am no longer interested in them. I have my life with my husband, they can chose when to interact with their dad, sibling or cousin (my husband.) Our lives are totally separated. If one of them addresses me with kindness, I welcome them with open arms but I digress. I did not go to the wedding, was not or my husband asked why and pampered myself on that day. In a nutshell, if they don't care about you going or care about you all together, they will not care afterward if you went or not. If they criticize you for not going, let your feelings be known but my experience is they are too coward or uninterested to ask. Why are you agonizing over it? Don't go. What is important is to have your husband on the same page than you and to make sure you take care of yourself. We all know in that forum that it is easier said than done but you need to regain yourself and your life and stop letting them control you. Wish you the very best. Peaceful101.

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peaceful101

Giving you a boost of confidence

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kk sc

thank you Peaceful101, I had the conversation with my husband that if I go at all I will be a drop in and then fly out, and at the same time I wonder why I am making any effort at all. He needs to go to this event as it is his daughter, I don't need to be there especially if this causes me anxiety and discomfort.

His family basically ignores me too, we are invited and they are there but they don't talk to me or they say something and walk off to have a conversation with someone else-so I know they are capable of conversing. So horrible!!

I've been with my DH for 9 yrs and these family dynamics have made me so unhappy,, it is time to change things and I think my marriage will be better off by me not attending and he will be happy he got to go even if he'd prefer I would be there. With everything that has happened over the last few months he does clearly see how the SD is not being respectful and as someone else said earlier I don't have to do anything but sit back and watch her ruin everything all by herself. Eventually emotionally immature will be the standard reason but this falls short for an excuse.


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peaceful101

kk, first of all: know that, this too shall pass. If your husband is ok with it, don't go. If he is asked why you are not there? He should reply: why don't you ask her and leaves it at that? If they attack him for it, he should stand his ground. My husband once had to tell his daughter: "this is my wife, you are talking about, how disrespectful." That shut her up quickly. They very likely won't ask him or you. If they ask you (when pigs fly), you should say: thank you for noticing I was not there, how was it? Either way, you are in control.

Follow your instincts but at the end of the day, your relationship with your husband is the most important. You may feel guilty the day of the wedding because you are a good person, I certainly did for a very very short time but knowing how I would have been ignored and treated that was a small price to pay. Godspeed. Peaceful101.

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kk sc

I posted the article above because it is really on point for sm's not just the current conversation


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peaceful101

Yes, I just read it. Pretty good, Thank you for sharing. Especially, love this part: "Call it disengaging. Call it stepping back. Or call it realizing when it's time to stop setting yourself up."

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kk sc

Peaceful101, I completely agree, I've had some pretty sad days lately, but feel my decision to not attend is by far the most healthy for me and my marriage. My husband has his eyes open since the issue about the dress and he did ask her what she hoped to accomplish with her phone call-she wanted to make trouble for me and he knew at that moment everything I had been telling him was true-although she smiled and played to part there had always been this undertone of resentment and trouble causing-to be honest I'm so tired of being wrong and apologizing for her staged drama and hurt feelings. At 25 year old you'd think the cry baby fits would be a thing of the past. I am going to let me pet sitter know she is not needed and cancel some hotel reservations, DH can stay with the SS and they can share a hotel rm for the wedding night. No worries from me, I have sent DH to his brother's cabin the past years because I don't like being around people who don't talk to me-so why make the drive and effort.

The one thing I need to say is there is nothing in my life that I have found so emotionally debilitating as my role as a step parent. For both my self esteem and my rational thinking have been negatively effected. Now that they are out of the house I will pick and choose as I see a healthy choice for me to attend which life events according to MY relationship with each of them.

I love my husband very much he is truly the nicest, God fearing man in the world and would do anything for me, I think what's been going on causes him grief and he is losing respect for his daughter. In 2 months he will walk her down the aisle and Give Her Away! This makes me very excited in a evil sort of way


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peaceful101

Yes kk, be strong. It's super stressful. I almost lost my health and hair (literally.) Try to be at peace with your decision. The logistics about what needs to be done or where individuals have to sleep are not yours to make. Disengage completely from the entire affair. Your husband sees through her, that's major. My SD is almost 30 year-old and will never change. Recently, one of her brothers who has always been nice to me asked me what would it take for you to get back into the family? I replied: an apology. I am still waiting but secretly I know it won't ever happen which is fine with me. I actually feel bad for the SD because she is a very unhappy individual as most people feeling the need to bully others are. I can tell you are half way there about regaining yourself and your life. Keep up the good work. Best.

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lyledbetter

Peaceful, your comments are excellent.

An apology must be a sincere true apology, and not “I’m sorry you feel that way, but let’s move on from here”, or “I want a clean slate, is that what you want?”. Those are what I have received over the years and ultimately realized that they were just new set ups for let downs.

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peaceful101

Thank you lyledbetter. You are right, it has to be sincere but in my case, I think it won't happen; mainly because she is now scared of me after I last gave her a piece of my mind and her father started standing up to her. Good riddance. However, I still hope she will eventually mature but she is still suffering from the daddy's little girl syndrome at 30 year-old, so I am not holding my breath.

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kk sc

I totally agree, as I've rec'd the 'sorry' and I did lose it with the wedding dress issue, one of her responses what I am the bride and it's my day so I can do what I want and I let her have it-told her to treat her new motherinlaw the same way she treats me when she does something she doesn't like to send a text to her husband and let him know how awful you think she is and follow up the next day with a cry baby fit to him. I told her she was acting like a bridezilla monster and my wish for her is that she doesn't have someone in her life that creates the kind of problems in her marriage that she creates in mine.

When we moved into this house her behavior was so out of range from how she acted living with her dad, she went into hyper drive like she was going to run the show and do anything she wanted, knocking on our door after we went to bed, walking out the door at 9 pm with the car keys, making snide comments under her breath to me regardless of who I was talking to. She moved out on her 18 bday and didn't tell us before hand and didn't talk to us for 2.5 yrs. When she came back I thought she was trying but there would be times she would call her dad and cry about something I said or asked her and I guess after 9 years she continues to harbor this animosity towards me.

I try to be calm and sane about this whole thing, but I flip between being ok and then mad at my husband because it seems like I am letting him off the hook by deciding not to go and then he doesn't have to deal with her behavior towards me. He can skip to the wedding and have a haha time and this issue between his daughter & I never gets resolved or addressed. She can continue to disregard me and be disrespectful and still get what she wants. It really sucks

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peaceful101

My SD is the same way. Unconsciously or consciously, she thinks I took her place with her daddy. She will always resent it and your husband will never fully address the issue with her by fear of hurting her. Men are not the bravest. However, if he defends you when she is disrespectful, that's great. To me, it's all I want.

I can stress that enough: disengage, disengage, disengage. Let your husband deal with her. You need to understand kk that there is you and your husband, and her and her father. You must separate the two or you will keep on setting yourself up for disappointments. Concentrate on your loved ones, the ones who respect you. Please stop letting one single individual control most of your life. She is not worthy of your attention. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

A wise friend once told me; "When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the TRUTH, just like you did!"

Find peace. Best. Peaceful101.

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lyledbetter

KK, you are not letting hubby off the hook by not going. He will miss you, and blame them for your absence.

I recall when baby girl banged on our bedroom door a week after our wedding, and I said “just a minute”, and she said, “NO! NOW!”.

The devil on my shoulder said, “open the door, and let her see you completely naked and in the midst of the deed.” But of course, I put on a robe and answered the door politely.

I wish I had that one back.

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Marcela Taford

Lyledbetter, peaceful, and kk... we all have one of those SD that sounds like one. The comment where she thinks you took her place is very common for bitter SD as I’ve also been called home wrecker and more but it all comes down to you how will you allow them treat you. I went from being on edge of divorce for years and been separated 4 times as a result of their insults but at one point I had enough and decided to disengage. No more visitors, babysitting, crying shoulders, gas deliveries at 1 am, or hospital rides, or lice treatments or other crazy stuff that they need. All I know is that there is a set budget per year that we set aside for my husband to have when he needs to go and spend time with his kids and his grandchildren. And that budget includes all spending for special occasions. I work to hard to waste myself on people who wish me dead.

Also keep in mind that once you disengage it will send them in an overdrive and you might even get that apology but make no mistake it’s not the kind of apology you want (in fact believe me it’s much better not to get the apology) they will cry that they’re going to be nice and will express gratitude to your husband or other relatives that they want you back in their life but it’s again only temporary and you will get hurt even more with each time they manipulate you back in. At least that’s my experience and I only wish I had kept my foot down earlier because that could have saved me allot of money and heartache. You ladies are awesome and thank you for inspiration for me and others.

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lyledbetter

... or even though I came along ten years after their divorce, “Daddy and Mamma would have eventually gotten back together if it hadn’t been for you.”

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kk sc

I am thankful to have you guys to chat with! I wish you all a peaceful and happy day!

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Sara Tilmont

I think a large part of the issue is expectations. Too many women, nurturers by nature, expect to marry and belong. All humans want to feel as though they belong.

Many stepmothers never learn to adjust or lower their expectations, and continue being disappointed by their stepchildren for decades.

You can only really be surprised by a adult stepchild's "backstabbing" behavior, if you tricked yourself into believing you had a 100% trusting, loving relationship with them to begin with. This does not count the time when they were 4, and hugged you. Count from age 15+



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kk sc

Sara you are so right on your points, wanting to fit in lead into the sadness of exclusion, which is what I'm dealing with now-the emotional part of being disliked or not accepted - it is toxic to my happiness and I do have to let go-peaceful101 made a comment I like-there is you and your husband and then there is husband and his daughter-there is no you and the sd! Tx

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lyledbetter

And KK, ultimately, it is not personal. They would have treated anyone married to their father this way. They are equal opportunity abusers.

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kk sc

I agree lyledbetter, but it's not all of them-there are 4 of them and 2 are difficult and 2 are good!


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