I agree with Southern Summer, your reaction to your stepchildren is making you upset They do whatever they do and like all adult relationships, if you are not being treated well than walk away. People show us who they are, and if we don't like them then don't hang out with them! I have relatives in my own family that aren't my favorite people and because I don't like the way they are I don't hang out with them-whatever they do has no affect on me. I actually don't really care for my DH's family because they treat me like 'nothing wife' which I don't appreciate-so I don't do stuff with them very often at all-that's just how it goes, I am a grown adult and can decide how to spend my time and with whom! Yes there have been some extremely hurtful things that have gone on and that's how I got to the point of-I don't trust this person and don't want them in my life because of that-they cause trouble or treat me without the regard I deserve for my position in this family-so if they are going to act badly they need to go away and grow up or not - I hope for the best but won't jump into the Lion's den!! I think what causes the most trouble is when a skid is acting up and my DH doesn't recognize it...if there are expectations that I do stuff or host dinners and this person gets a 'free pass' to this bad behavior and nothing is reconciled or changed. I know once my husband started to see the behavior patterns and actually take a stand with the skid-things were much less stressful for me.

Happy New Year's ladies! Let's invite 2019 into our lives with positive thoughts, actions & words. Being gentle with ourselves and others, being constructive with our circle and to expand

the moment between stimulus & response!

colleen6166 Happy New Year! you continue to post and I'm here for you!

I just read this thread and so much of what you all have and are going through is parallel with my life. I commend you for supporting each other. Every friend was once a stranger.

Thank you kk,peaceful and Southern!!!!...Some of us feel the need to tell their whole story, some just need a safe place to vent, some feel they're on a Rollercoaster that never ends ,some need compassion,some need commiserration, some need a "hey, it's okay, I've been where you are and I'm here for you".

All of us gravitated here for one reason or several,it's not a flaw in any woman's character to have moments of weakness or indecision,It's okay to feel rage,pain,resentment......every word every woman writes on this blog helps another woman.

To all Stepmoms:Share

prcws....We're here for you!!

I became involved with PETA, My whole world shifted, There are so many ,starving, abused animals in the world ,to devote any of my time,energy or compassion to my Skids,would be ridiculous, They can live in their rarefied, elitist microcosm world....and I'll help the poor, suffering and destitute.My skids do suffer from one" ailment ":narcissism.

I am not in a fright about this-but I thought I'd share-last night an envelope arrived in the mail addressed to DH from SD, I felt the package & said 'It's a book of her wedding' (June 15, 2017). You know because everyone needs a book of someone else's wedding. Anyway-sure enough that's what it was with an enclosed note-Happy belated birthday dad-I picked out these photos just for you and hope they are as special to you as they are to me.. Really? hahaha What a piece of work! This just says so much! Like wow you think your wedding is as special to your dad as it is to you! And let's send dad a book of my wedding photos for a birthday present?????? Such an irritating human being! Well it's not going on the coffee table! :> I wonder if she'll send a book of the honeymoon for his Father's day gift! The wedding that never ends!

Well kk, your SD is as narcissistic as mine. My ex-SD (won't have contact w/ her, therefore she is an ex) told my DH that I was only nice to her before because I wanted to stay in her dad's good graces. When her dad told me, my jaw dropped inches. My reply to him: I am not that calculated! Then, he proceeded on saying "don't worry, she is such a narcissist." Until dad opened my eyes, I have never realized that his daughter was that manipulative. How naive I was... Peaceful.

oh ya Peaceful, this one moved out of our house without saying good-bye and didn't talk to us for 2.5 yrs-I almost think the only reason she renewed her relationship was so daddy would walk her down the aisle! Her bday is coming up & for my own entertainment-how fun it would be to make book of DH & my wedding photos for her and send it off with a note "Happy Birthday-these photos were selected especially for you I hope they are as special to you as they are to us!" Obviously I missed something along the way and you know this could be it! hahaha

Love that one, kk sc. I suppose to outsiders that sounds inappropriate. But, there is something about weddings that bring out the "true nature," in just about everyone. If you want to know how your SKs really feel about you, observe how you are treated at one of their weddings.

I won't go into too much detail on how I was treated at SD's wedding because there is enough info. on that above and on other blogs. It was, and I hate to use the term usual, but from what I hear from other SMs. . . it was the usual SM not seated with her husband (dad), SM not allowed in any family photos or if allowed in one or two, they mysteriously vanish days later. SM, though no real fault of her own, is basically treated as a bothersome gnat or the worst kind of wedding crasher rather than as a guest, much less as a wife to her husband, and so on. So, there are zero pictures of me and my husband and the bride and groom at SD's wedding.

Although he went along with their program that no one had bothered to even remotely run by either of us, my husband was near as pissed as I was about what went down. Two years later, my SS planned on getting married via a destination wedding. My DH and I spoke, and I told him I wasn't going, although certainly my husband could go. He didn't want to go by himself, so he had a long talk with SS about why he wasn't attending, and SS and fiancé said they understood, and we got together with them before and after wedding, and, quite frank, being absentee at the wedding was way better for both DH and I then going.

Except, . . . a few months later SS and his wife come over with their professional wedding photo book, and what do we see in that photo book, but a picture of BM and her boyfriend at SS's wedding! BM and boyfriend are seated right next to each other, side by side. And, there are other similar photos in the book with both. Later, I see a different picture of BM and boyfriend and the rest of the party who attended the wedding all together on a lg. magnet posted on their refrigerator! And, this boyfriend of BM's happened to be the same one that BM was having an affair with years ago while still married to their father. Different weddings, yes, but SS was the photographer at his sister's wedding.

So, that is but one example of the hypocrisy in step-situations between how BM's husband or boyfriend is treated vs. how bio-dad's wife or girlfriend is treated. Dad has a wife of many years, dad and his wife were married longer than dad and bio-mom were, yet dad's wife/SM isn't allowed to sit with dad or be in any pictures, etc., at the wedding. BUT, BM's on-again, off-again boyfriend, the same one she was with while still married to dad, gets to sit right next to BM at the wedding and not only be in pictures, but also be in the golden photo book and plastered on a magnet stuck on the fridge for all the world to see!!

I will never, ever think of any of them the same again. My husband now has three grand-children from his daughter and son. I attend events with my DH whenever I feel like it, but I never forget that in their eyes, let's be frank. . . dad's legit. wife is a bigger ho than BM's boyfriend that cuckolded their father. That speaks volumes about how both SMs and divorced dads are thought of and treated as in this country. I hope they really enjoy that photo book and magnet. They are going to be paying a very high price for those items and the symbolism it extrudes for years to come.

I have a problem with being treated like 'nothing wife'!!! The 'wedding' (I guess of the century) that I guess is never going to end-is the highlight of the crappiest behavior I've had to endure! So it would really be nice if we could all get past this and move on! Of course my hubby does not feel that her wedding photos are as special to him as they are to her-it's all so irritating! Honestly the dysfunction is out of this world-where are the normal people! The deal was-you go and walk her down the aisle and give her away-why doesn't she just stay away? What a pain! It's the picking at the scab-

kk I love your sense of humor mixed w/ a healthy dose of sarcasm! For sure, like me, you hope that since she was given away, she freaking stays away lol. Shoo shoo.

I saved over 300 homeless, starving, abused animals in 2018....here is what my Skids contributed to ANY charity......NOTHING....next time your Skids "ask for something " tell them you prefer to donate to a charity.KK and Karen "Expect The Worst and you'll never be disappointed "......Love ya!!!!

I just happened to stumble across this forum while looking for other websites to deal with adult step children. I knew I couldn't be the only one...

We have been married for 7 years - from the time my SD was 11. She is now 19. We had the usual struggles of teenage years but her years in HS have set the tone for our situation now. She started hanging out with the wrong crowd, discovered sex and marijuana about the same time. Used more weed than was sexually active so at least there is that. But this all led to her skipping school - after two years of summer school - she graduated barely by the skin of her teeth after entering an alternative HS housed right within the regular HS so she could still see her friends. When she turned 17, we bought her a "new" used car with the same stipulation I had with my own kids - that she had to pay for all her gas, repairs/maintenance, plate tags and insurance herself. Has not happened yet. My husband keeps covering it. This last time I told her she had to pay it back and added it to a loan agreement that we have with her to help cover her cost of trade school. She had a job early in 2018 but quit because a friend wanted her to come work wherever the friend was working. Did not get that job. She graduated in May and did not work until late August. Stuck with that job for about a month and then quit because she got offered a babysitting job which of course is a whole lot more fun but is usually a couple of nights a week. So she has basically not worked for most of 2018 and still does not have a job. She makes do with her babysitting money and I think friends pay her for gas. My family has always been generous with her at holidays and this year was no exception. She gave nothing in return - not even to her BM or my husband or her own brother.

Just last week she told my husband that she did not feel well and didn't go to her trade school. Well, no surprise we found out she missed 42 hours at school - enough for them to kick her out unless she brought back a doctor's note. She then claimed she was bleeding abnormally from her period and that her leg was numb. She then conned us in to going to the emergency room (yes, with a $200 co-pay) not to mention her visit that afternoon to a med station, and she was lucky enough to find a doctor to feel sorry for her and wrote her a note to get back in to school. She is one lucky girl.

And on top of all this, my husband's father passed away in May and my mother-in-law moved in with us in September. She is foreign and does not speak english so I cannot communicate with her unless my husband is present. She is a wonderful person - so wonderful that she now cleans my SD's room every day, does her laundry, empties the dishwasher, etc. - all the chores my SD was responsible for. My SD now does nothing. Someone mentioned a parasite and that is exactly what she is. She goes out when she wants, comes home when she wants and my husband does nothing so yes, it IS his fault but I have to live with it.

My exasperation point came this morning. She did not eat dinner with us - she rarely does any more - and went out with her boyfriend to a movie. Came home at 10:00. She went up to her room and I turned off the lights and went to bed. But previously at dinner, I packaged up the leftovers in to two containers for me and my husband to bring to work for lunch. And came down this morning to find she had not only eaten all of our leftovers, but those of his mother as well (his mother cooks her own "ethnic" food) and proceeded to leave a sink full of dirty dishes. That has been a point of contention before - she does not clean up after herself - EVER. So no lunch for today and angry that she just left everything for someone else - most likely my mother-in-law - to take care of.

Just so over it but not sure how to go on.

It is not just the husbands with children who behave this way, it is also mothers with previous children. Social-Emotional abuse is a tactic a number of my wife's children use. AND MY WIFE ALLOWS IT!!! I have pointed this out to her and she still doesn't do a thing. I spend Thanksgiving alone. I spend Christmas alone. I even spend my birthday alone, because her first husband, the step-daughters' father died on my birthday. I have told her how much it hurts me when she doesn't have a problem leaving me alone every time they want her ... and she appears to care. I have finally settled on as long as the girls stay away from me, as they have been social/emotionally abusive, stolen my credit card, and continually con my wife out of tons money, I can survive this relationship.

Tony, I was in the same situation as you when I started dating my husband who was a widower. Although, the stepkids were 18, 20 and 22 year-old, they were super attached to their father. We will go on dates and every hour for years until I move in, he will get a phone call b/c the daughter wanted ice cream, the son had seen something on TV (not kidding). They resented me b/c in their eyes I was taking their father away from them. Their relationship to their father was unhealthy and prevented them to grow up. I gently started to point things out. The daughter was lying about going to school and was failing all her classes. The older son resented school and work, and wanted to do either one only part time. The younger son will sneak out at night to go see a girlfriend, etc. The kids resented me for trying to parent (dad never did try.) They were so dysfunctional and going nowhere in terms of their future that I had to do something or it would have been the end of our relationship.

One time, the SD who was/is a bully started lashing out at me. She used to bullied her brothers too. My husband intervened and put her in her place w/ "she is here to stay if you don't like it, too bad." I think that sudden, unlike dad, outburst woke them up. They did not have to like me but at least I will be respected. In a nutshell, the solution rests with your wife. My husband fell bad for his motherless kids and babied them way past teenage hood until I came on board.

Today they are all thriving, live in their own place and all are financially independent. The daughter still hates me (she always will b/c she was daddy's little girl until I arrived), the younger son is indifferent but the older son does calls me at time and thanks me for having been strict with him. He also visits. I am happy with that. I am not looking for a relationship with them, I have tried but not having raised them at a younger age made it difficult, quasi impossible. Before me, they were not used to being parented. However, deep down, I know they are happy that I am with their dad b/c he won't age alone and we have a great time together (his younger son apparently told him.)

Finally, my husband kept telling me that I saved his life and his kids. When I first met him he saw his future with adult children at home, all dependent on him and unable to function on their own (like his uncle he said whose children suck the life out of him until his death and eventually become homeless.) Seems like, your wife needs to find a balance between you and her adult children but more importantly don't let her baby/give up to her children at every turn or it will be the end of your relationship. At the end, everyone will end up unhappy. It is going to require some tough love and an awakening from your wife to find that happy medium.

Wish you well,

Peaceful

Why stay in a relationship you just “survive”? Why not move on in the hope of finding one that you enjoy?

In marriage, the two shall become one and let no man put usander (including adult children)! 4 stepkids that lived with us for various timeframes-all are out of the house-3 boys-do pretty well with them, one girl-her pattern was to act all nice and then call dad at work upset-it got to be this-SS called and she was upset-last time this happened DH said-I was his wife and he wasn't going to divorce me cuz she didn't like every little thing (let no good deed go unpunished). That was their last phone call with ss being upset and the topic being me BUT we don't make contact with her either-she can live over there and she's just fine without us I think she just turned 27 years old and until that phone call she was acting like a 5 year old-which she may be emotionally but she doesn't live with us and we don't need any trouble in our marriage. My husband is my companion and if he spends his holidays with anyone it's going to be me! Otherwise I'm looking for a new husband!

Hi guys, just read all your posts

I'm so glad I found you, like myself, so much in common, have been wondering when I would stumble across a page like this. I have been married to my husband for over 20 years and always had problems with his daughter and the negative effects on our life together. She is a nasty piece of work and when things don't go her way God help whoever is in the firing line. Mind you she is in her 30s now. I was unfortunately at the end of one of her abusive rants a few years back and suffered a brain hemorrhage as a result. My life has changed dramatically and its been a long road to recovery, she has no remorse and the sound of her name turns my stomach, my question is one I have no answer for myself but would appreciate your input. Instead of the odd occasional call or text, and even though he was mostly relieved for the peace, he has decided he wants to start keeping regular contact (she lives a long way away) he says she has changed and he misses her... even though he has taken years of manipulative abuse himself .... Is it normal for me to feel totally let down and disappointed. I know what happens when it becomes regular, it's just a matter of time and it's unnerving.

They never change, and of course you feel betrayed. Hopefully he will learn in time like mine did, and at least she didn’t move back to your town, like mine did. Distance probably made him forget, but she will never change. I’m sorry. Just stay detached.

Amey, I feel your pain! Now that the steps are adults, detaching is really the best way to handle things for our own sanity! Mostly I see it as a three ring circus with expectations and demands that are far from any healthy reality. I am practicing the pause. Sit back and watch without being emotionally affected-if I don't react or get involved my life is so much better. I really don't have to do any convincing or commenting. Who acts like this? Would we tolerate such insanity from anyone else in our lives? When children become adults it is no longer the position of the parent to bow to their demands! Protect your marriage!

Thank you Summer and Kristin for your comments. Detaching is the key for sure, I have told him his contact with her is fine with me so long as it doesn't affect us, unfortunately it always does as he becomes withdrawn and distant with me and when he's not those two he is moody and snappy. I don't want our future to be our past. We both have had all the counselling under the sun. So that option has been tried. Any other ideas are welcome. ❤️

Hi Amey, yes it is a very difficult situation. It appears that like my stepdaughter she is "daddy's little girl" and they both enjoy that relationship. Even though in her 30s, mine is still very manipulative and quite a bully (her father's saying.) Like others, I advise you to keep your distance. Once I let her go (I call it playing dead lol) and totally remove myself from the equation, I started breathing and being happier. In insight that what any nasty stepdaughter wants, to go back to the relationship they once had with dad, so do it. If she is anything like mine, your stepdaughter relinquishes the control she may have other you, once you remove that control, her attention gets diverted somewhere else. Now, your husband must be on the same page. When the stepdaughter comes for a day visit I want to know in advance in order to be away from the house on that day ( a small price to pay really and everyone wins.) If she wants to stay longer, she has to rent an Airbnb. After all, my house is my sanctuary, she is not welcome there until she apologizes to me for the backstabbing and bullying. If she ever apologizes, it will be a sign that she has grown up. In my case, she had all the stepfamily rallied behind her by spreading lies about me. Thanks God, my husband witnessed the bullying, so he agrees with my demands. My final advice: find a compromise, respect her relationship with her father, let her have the quality time she wants with him but more importantly PROTECT yourself and your marriage. Wish you well. Peaceful101.

Thanks for you input and advice Peaceful. I wish you well x

Hi, everyone
I hope you are sheltered and safe.
The best part of quarantine is that I don’t have to brace myself for accidental random encounters with SS, SD, and their mother. I have slept so well, and my anxiety level is down to nothing. We did run into SD and Ex and a drive-thru birthday party, but I didn’t see them... only DH interacted with them. He was absolutely traumatized because SD was so snarky. He had not seen her for at least a year, even though we live in the same small town, and he was not expecting her level of meanness. Welcome to my world.

Mate , i indured two adult twins who lived at home with us . everything was perfect in our relationship until they arrived after finishing university . They hated me from day 1 , i tried everything to please them , but like you they would criticise everything about me . they controlled the house , not the mum . they disrespected me constantly , ignored me , never said a nice word . i was scared to speak , leave a plate out , have a different opinion or even tell a joke . the slightest thing i knew they would gang up , put there mum in an emotional choose position and the mother would allwways choose them and blame me .

i literally could not even be in the same room i dispised them . it could be any man btw .

i sat in the bedroom in the end alllienated and the status of a pet poodle . the mother did nothing .

i love her .

one day it happenned again and basically they pushed me out and my partner blamed me again

at that point despite requests from my partner i decided this

1 Bolloxxs to the stupid spoilt evil jumped up ignorant twins . No one treats me like this .. i dont want you

2 my partner allows me to be diisrespected and therefore offers me that level of respect and support .. you can shove it up your arsx

in conclusion , sod pleasing you , i didnt want you 3 self hyped witches

now you can look in your mums lonely heart broken eyes and live with yoursellves . in turn my partner can look in theirs .. live by your sword .. die by your sword

note this .. its not the kids, its what your partner raised and what she feels is an acceptable staus and level of respect you deserve

it wont change .. trust me

cut the fxxx loose early !

1

Just to catch up, both DH and I have cut all ties with SS, SD, and Ex. Our lives have been much more peaceful. The years of tension and turmoil from them has taken its toil on our relationship, but we are still together. The steps amd their spouses are all back in our small town, but I rarely think about them, and we never see or hear from them. It’s a better world.

this year my ss got married-things went well compared to how they may've gone! I was told I could bring luncheon but then get ready in the unairconditioned bathroom (98 degrees that day) I opted out without any hysteria. I was expected to walk up the aisle on my husband's arm behind my ss and his mother-I opted out without any hysteria. I was not given a corsage, I was in one photo and haven't seen it. We were not given a gift at the rehearsal dinner even though we provided a nice check to cover it. We were uninvited to the gift opening. I still haven't rec'd a thank you for the kichenaide mixer for the bride's shower. The other step mom had a rougher time of it and she was devastated-I told her these are not your allies and some will treat you as 2nd best- do not engage. Recently, I went through my FB friends list and removed all the pretend relationships I picked up from my marriage. I am better, we are better. My hubby told me all I want you to do is come with me to the wedding-as it was we left after dinner and were happy to spend the rest of the evening on our deck enjoying a bottle of wine!

Hi, KK
Good job. I’m glad I don’t have any more events to struggle through. You are a genius. I finally learned my lesson along with hubby.

I'm currently disengaged from my 18YO SD. She hates me because I hold her accountable for her actions I don't let her lie nor manipulate me and ask her to contribute to the family unit., to pick up after herself basically being self sufficient. She'd rather Have thoughts of Killing me than growing up. Yet again I'm the bad guy because I was concerned and believe therapy is needed. Now I'm the crazy one who needs therapy not her.

Is this group still active?

We’re listening!

It is just so incredibly comforting to hear I am not alone. My issue is similar but a little different. My spouse has 2 adult children and we share one together. One of the 2 adult step children feels entitled to come to my house with family in tow, and visit almost once a month if not more. Due to Covid, thank goodness that diminished. Now that Covid seems to be decreasing, they feel like they should be able to come again whenever they want. I know that they despise me and treat me with contempt. They are disrespectful, dismissive, and condescending. They've complained that they don't feel welcome, when I have bent over backwards to make them comfortable. I have tried to implement some rules but my spouse is not on the same page at all, thinks my rules are excessive, does not support me, and basically sides with their adult child. Someone in a previous post said they feel so alone. I agree, it is very lonely, and I am so close to divorce. I feel like divorce would be such a relief, but I'm old and afraid of the financial repercussions. I am in therapy for all of this and have been for several years. It's helped but I think I've reached my tipping point. My spouse and I were in therapy for a year but that didn't really help either. Another big part of all of this is that our adult child has never really been embraced by their siblings. There's always this feeling of being judged and ostracized. I wish that I could just say, "I don't care," but I think because my spouse is basically siding with their adult child, by default, they are not on my side, it just hurts too deeply. Thank you for your input.

What if your hubby visited his daughter once a month instead? Or what if you took your adult child for a weekend away whenever your stepdaughter came to visit?
Some families were just not meant to be squished together. Disengagement can solve a lot of issues.

Thank you so very very much for getting back to me. My adult child doesn't live with me so they don't see each other very much. As for my spouse visiting his adult child, I have suggested that, but they see my home as their vacation get-away and my spouse feels they are entitled to come and stay here whenever they like. Please keep your suggestions coming, though, they are very much appreciated!!

I’m just thinking of a nice getaway for you. All the more reason to get together with your adult child. If not your child, then set up a weekend somewhere with a girlfriend. You do NOT have to mingle with the steps. Just try to co-exist without conflict. Distance can be very therapeutic.

Yes! Brilliant minds do think alike. Been working on that. Maybe need to make it happen more often. I try not to be here when they all show up, but I think that's why they complain that I don't want them here. I agree about the co-existing. How to say, "Yes, you're absolutely right, I don't want you here," without saying that. I wish I could be where you are, when you stopped caring. I really do care too much. I once heard a wonderful quote: "Your opinion of me is none of my business." Wish I could internalize that.

"You do NOT have to mingle with the steps." I can't put more emphasis on this myself. It is a misconception that a stepparent has to suck it up and take crap for someone else's children, and even if those other children are adults and are your spouse's.

However, it is true that if your husband does not have your back on a threatening or hurtful situation involving his children, HE is the real one with the issue. I get what he is thinking, in a way. He is thinking this is his house and his kids and they should be able to come on over or walk in whenever.

But, truthfully, his relationship with them is different than yours. They are not your children, and the home is just as much yours as his. Sometimes in these situations the best you can hope for is a separate peace. There is nothing wrong with you taking off to do whatever. I'm sure his kids do say, "SM doesn't want to be with us. Tsk, tsk!," but not so deep down inside, they are probably snarkily happy coming to dad's house anytime, even though they know you may be there and that it may bother you. I'm not putting the blame so much on the adult SKs, because I'm sure they do want to see dad, but on the other hand, you'd think they'd, to keep the peace, at least call first and get both their dad's and your heads-up.

What about your "ours" child? Sometimes I feel these ours children get so lost in all of this. How does s/he feel about being estranged from his siblings? It might be worth it to reach out to him or her too and see how s/he feels, just to get a gauge. Sometimes they can have more insight into issues than we think.

Take care and best of luck to you HU-716085. I learned a long time ago to just do what worked for me regarding my SKs and to not let DH's insistences nor the actions of his adult children get to me. It is difficult, because you do feel connected to these children you've been involved with for years and do wish you could all get along. But if your husband set it up a while back that he will take his kids' words pretty much every time over yours, regardless, then he gave them more authority and power in the home than he should have, and they learned that your opinions don't carry much weight in dad's (their) home, despite that it is just as much your home and your ours child's home too.

It is hard to separate out your marriage or disengage from your husband's children. However, it is doable. Even if you have to say, "Oops! I got some shopping I have to do," whenever they pop in. It puts the power back in your hands, rather than feeling every time they come over you have to suck it up and take it. You don't. And let DH and his kids think whatever they want. Get them out of your head and do what works for you!!

Kim, your words are so kind and affirming. You definitely feel what I'm going through. I really appreciate everything you've said here. Regarding, "our" kid. We have talked a few times about the situation. I try to be careful because I don't want to harm whatever shred of a relationship they might have with their sibs, but it has always been tenuous and cool. Their sibs are much older than them and their sibs are more like old aunts to them than sisters. So that is basically as far as it can go. As for "getting them out of my head", that's the goal. My problem is that I ruminate and when I even hear the SK's names my stomach turns. So any suggestions for preventing that or making that feeling go away will be so very much appreciated. Thank you for your reply.

Hu, how would your steps feel if you and Hubbie started dropping in on them unannounced?
That might be fun.

Anyone ever dealt with an abusive husband you were about to start a divorce with, then he got sick and died quite unexpectedly? i was pretty much written out of the will a month before he died (i think, due to his older daughter who was/ is a trustee to his trust). the state i live, in the USA, is literally the only state where a spouse can be wtitten out of the Will. all i can do is petition for a ’year’s support’…my husband’s cold hearted betrayl was bad but what was wayyyy eorse was his two adult daughters and their mother (the ex-wife and husband were married over 20 years). i thought the older daughter like me….boy was i wrong. after my husband fied, they acted like i was a ’criminal’ in my own home, started turning off things, starting trackingvne with a travking device my husband put on my car without consent. and and, it got worse, each and every time i asserted a boundry, their harrassment just escalated. they tried changing the locks when they stalked my lication and knew i wasnt home….they stalked me to my storage unit, had their ’lawyer/ exector’ try and sue me with a 30 page TRO lying that i was stealing property….(my property??)…. all because they secretly hated me. but what us worse us the ex wife was abused by him but then turned around and abused me after he died — his ex wife was upset he used to put trackers on her car but she had no issue illegally tracking me along with her daughters tracking my car and stalking my location without consent, by using the tracking app my husband had installed on his devices before he died….

so, the harrassment i received was unreal…all to harrass ne out of the home id been living in for 7 years and married to my husband for 4 years. they not only wanted me out but wanted me to keave with nothing. abd and, they took the dog my husband and i shared and who i mainly cared for all 7 years. they are awful, greedy oeople who inherited many millions….the betrayl is the wirst part. and and, the hareassment….and over what? Money, greed and no matter how nice i was to them, they secretly hated me this whole time.

I’m so so sorry.

Thank you….its not over either…probate court is very very backed up. and, the daughters are in thrir 30’s, so should understand what a violation of privacy stalking/ tracking me/ my car was. i finally found the tracker and reported it to the police and they are investigating it as stalking. im also thinking of filing invasion of provacy and abuse of litigation to recover damages. my hair falls out in clumps, from the stress. i cry daily missing my dog….at least with the divorce, i had my home, access to some money…i was protected. but no one expected him to die, and since he passed, i lost everything…my home, dog dog, no money….and my provacy and right yo kive in peace. what also hurts is i was always kind to his ex wife and even returned some property of hers my husband kept. and and, she turned on me over ’his money’….of course, im on the joint tax returns but when i called the police when the daughters broke into my house and would follow my location, then yell at me, they told the police we were already divorced (lie) and claimed ’they were paying the bills’….with my husbands income? which i was a joint filer on tax returns???

im not sure if my hisband knew this woukd happen or just didnt care enough to realize what his actions would cause, if he did pass away.

lesson — stay out if probate and get a solid pre-nup and post nup….

also…any advice welcome….

Need help here. Married adult stepdaughter lives hour and a half away. She calls her father, my husband to come to their home to do all manner of home projects. He is 63 years old and health declined after catching Covid at their house when they knew they had it and they still wanted a house project done. She laughed when she found out he had caught it. We are not a priority to her and she brings the grandchildren maybe 4 times a year to see us. Her husband doesn't know how to do the manly things that need doing around the house. They travel and do day trips and take the kids on outings EVERY single weekend. Just not to see us. She recently called wanting him to travel in holiday traffic to fix a porch light. She said "swing by " even though that would entail a 5 or 6 hour ordeal 3 of which would be driving and we would end up footing the bill for the light and gas and time. We have 3 grown children together and they would never ask their father to do these types of things. Am I wrong for not wanting him to go? Alot more behind the scenes to this but that's it for now. Thanks for any advice. This has caused a huge fight between us. He works during the day so it would have to be after work and he wouldn't get home until midnight

So, even though it is amazingly inconvenient, possibly dangerous, and expensive, and she happily gave her father Covid and laughed about it, and the major part of his relationship with his daughter is her crooking her finger to do her home repairs and him scurrying to do them, your husband still wants to go?

Seriously, it's time he told her to learn to do her own home maintenance if her husband isn't stepping up to the plate, or hire it done. She can fix her own damn porch light.

HU-188136718 -- You really need to be getting yourself a lawyer, if you don't have one already. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, it is up to each state, within reason, to determine the division of marital property, and if you were technically (on paper) still married to your DH, you may have some recourse/ claim to get some of your joint items or property back or some sort of proceeds. Many times, your first meeting with a lawyer can be for free/ consulting and no fee will be charged. And the couple of times I did this, they were very upfront and clear with my options. Didn't try to blow me off or anything. They could be more resourceful than you think and without a charge for the first meeting! Worth checking it out.

My heart also goes out to you because I know what is like to think you have a positive relationship with your stepkids, only to find out after some horrific episode or two that you do not. In your case, you're not only grieving the loss of your husband (or what you thought your relationship with him would be) and the loss of your home, estate and puppy, but also the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your stepkids. Please do not hesitate to seek out outside support from family, friends, ministers, therapists, etc. You need all the support you can get right now.

HU-227652862 -- If I were you, I'd probably sit down and make a list of all of the reasons for your husband not to go, including time, distance, health issues, the fact that she needs to learn how to handle her adult problems herself, etc., and sit down and have a discussion with your DH. Since it is a hot topic for your DH, you will have to be the more responsible one to make sure that it does not degrade to a fight. You just remain calm, no matter what, and keep telling him that you love him and are concerned.

Now, your DH will probably have only one main reason, although it is a good one, to keep doing these things for his daughter. He may not admit to it, but he may want to take advantage of any opportunity to see his daughter because he loves her, of course. And it may not matter that it is a bad reason or a reason that could greatly affect his health either. And him going there to "fix" things, further makes your DH feel needed by his daughter. It's tough to fight that parenteral instinct. Even though the parent may be being used and it may be detrimental to their health, it's their child and parents make self-sacrifices for their children all the time!

So, the purpose of this discussion (not argument) you are going to have with your DH will be for both of you to logically (in theory) look at each other's side or angle. HOWEVER, if your DH wants to continue doing as he has been for this daughter, then that is pretty much his call, as hard as it may be for you to accept. I'd just make sure he knows the risks (including being taken advange of) coming from your angle, and if he does and chooses to do for her anyway, then you have to let it go. They have a father-daughter bond, and sometimes parents and their kids, incl. adult kids, have some sort of odd or near unhealthy codependency going on that on that works for them, regardless of how it may look on the outside. You can't make your DH separate from his daughter. I know people like to think SMs do this all the time, but in reality, no one can separate a man from his child or a woman from her child unless they, they themselves, want to separate.

Husband doesn't , establishing , . Worse