We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with. The SD cant stand that fact and has used it as a reason to not come to our house. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. She has used that to say that we have chosen our dogs over the safety of their children because I refuse to part ways with my dogs. We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough - they have insisted we get them new homes! for someone that may have come to visit 3 times a year, it was not a reasonable request. If they lived with me and my dogs were causing health concerns, it would be totally different. This battle has gone on for 1 1/2 year and now we dont do any holiday or family get togethers at our house at all - so imagine me hauling food and presents for 20+ people over to someone elses house to accomdate Christmas. I don't have any thoughts or advice about the rest of the post, but I do have thoughts/advice about this part. I have asthma myself and I know many people with asthma. It's very possible you may be underestimating the seriousness of this issue for your husband's grandchildren. Your stepdaughter is not handling this the way I would, if I were in her shoes (at least that's what I think). If I were your stepdaughter, I would not insist or even ask that you get rid of the dogs. But I would not be visiting your home, probably ever, if it caused my children to have asthma attacks. Even if the attacks were just sometimes. I would kindly and pleasantly let you know that was the issue, then it would be up to you and your husband to decide whether to keep the dogs or not. I would not be attending family/holiday get-togethers at your home, and I would very much expect that you and your husband would be not only willing but also understanding enough to haul your presents and food to someone else's home without complaint in order to prevent my children from having an asthma attack. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. Exactly. They have asthma attacks from dogs (sometimes) but also from other things. Asthma is probably a constant battle for them. There are so many places their children have to go that cause problems for them, why would you insist that they come to your home when you could visit them instead? We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough No, putting the dogs outside is not good enough. Please, please for the sake of your relationship with your husband and his family, educate yourself about asthma. Here is some information about pet dander and asthma from the web site about.com: In fact, it is dander or the proteins in skin flakes, urine, feces, saliva and hair that trigger your asthma symptoms. Removing your pet from the home and avoiding contact with the pet is the most effective way to decrease exposure to animal dander. A "trial removal" is not recommended as it may take as many as 20 weeks following removal for allergen levels to fall to levels similar to those of homes without pets. If you do remove the pet from the home, make sure you thoroughly clean all bedding products, floors, carpets and other surfaces where dander may collect. If pet removal is going to produce depression, crying and gnashing of teeth for you or your child, making the pet an "outside only" animal is a partial solution, but will not fully decrease your exposure to animal dander If you and your husband insist on keeping the dogs and that your grandchildren visit you, then you probably ARE choosing the dogs over your husband's grandchildren's safety. . We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with It's very possible your husband didn't know himself what a huge issue this would be. Many, many people, like yourself, think simply putting the dogs outside is good enough. However, now you both know that it is a problem, and it's up to the two of you to decide how to deal with this problem. I don't think your stepdaughter should insist that you give up the dogs. However, if you were my stepmother I would be very, very, very, very, very angry if I had told you what a problem this causes and you continued to dismiss it. Very angry. Really, really, really angry. I'd be angry and I certainly, absolutely would think you were not the life's companion for my father I hoped he'd have. I just want him to stand up to his ASD and tell her that I am here to stay, deal with it, accept it, and quit being so petty over stuff. Your husband's grandchildren have asthma that is sometimes triggered by pet dander. They are his grandchildren, they SHOULD be there to stay, you should deal with it and accept it and do what you can to minimize the impact of your pets on your grandchildren's health. I can certainly understand why you'd rather have your beloved pets with you every day rather than get rid of them over someone who only visits 3 times a year. However, you are minimizing and dismissing valid health concerns your step daughter has. As her children's mother, it's her responsibility to advocate for their health in a situation like yours. She is not being petty, she is being a responsible mother. I hope this helps you to see the other side of the issue. I hope you and your husband can find some resolution to this issue. The only other thing I would add is that sometimes certain things will cause problems for me and other times those same things won't. It's not like cat dander (one of the things I'm allergic to) will always cause problems for me. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But if my threshold is low (and I don't always know when that will be), then cat dander causes a problem for me, ranging in severity. So please don't be dismissive of the issue if your husband's grandchildren don't always have asthma attacks due to the dogs. Even if the problem is intermittent, it's still an issue. That's not your stepdaughter being petty, it's the reality of her children's life. She MUST deal with that on behalf of her children, she has no choice. But YOU do have a choice. Good luck whatever you decide.

HU-188136718 -- You really need to be getting yourself a lawyer, if you don't have one already. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, it is up to each state, within reason, to determine the division of marital property, and if you were technically (on paper) still married to your DH, you may have some recourse/ claim to get some of your joint items or property back or some sort of proceeds. Many times, your first meeting with a lawyer can be for free/ consulting and no fee will be charged. And the couple of times I did this, they were very upfront and clear with my options. Didn't try to blow me off or anything. They could be more resourceful than you think and without a charge for the first meeting! Worth checking it out. My heart also goes out to you because I know what is like to think you have a positive relationship with your stepkids, only to find out after some horrific episode or two that you do not. In your case, you're not only grieving the loss of your husband (or what you thought your relationship with him would be) and the loss of your home, estate and puppy, but also the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your stepkids. Please do not hesitate to seek out outside support from family, friends, ministers, therapists, etc. You need all the support you can get right now. HU-227652862 -- If I were you, I'd probably sit down and make a list of all of the reasons for your husband not to go, including time, distance, health issues, the fact that she needs to learn how to handle her adult problems herself, etc., and sit down and have a discussion with your DH. Since it is a hot topic for your DH, you will have to be the more responsible one to make sure that it does not degrade to a fight. You just remain calm, no matter what, and keep telling him that you love him and are concerned. Now, your DH will probably have only one main reason, although it is a good one, to keep doing these things for his daughter. He may not admit to it, but he may want to take advantage of any opportunity to see his daughter because he loves her, of course. And it may not matter that it is a bad reason or a reason that could greatly affect his health either. And him going there to "fix" things, further makes your DH feel needed by his daughter. It's tough to fight that parenteral instinct. Even though the parent may be being used and it may be detrimental to their health, it's their child and parents make self-sacrifices for their children all the time! So, the purpose of this discussion (not argument) you are going to have with your DH will be for both of you to logically (in theory) look at each other's side or angle. HOWEVER, if your DH wants to continue doing as he has been for this daughter, then that is pretty much his call, as hard as it may be for you to accept. I'd just make sure he knows the risks (including being taken advange of) coming from your angle, and if he does and chooses to do for her anyway, then you have to let it go. They have a father-daughter bond, and sometimes parents and their kids, incl. adult kids, have some sort of odd or near unhealthy codependency going on that on that works for them, regardless of how it may look on the outside. You can't make your DH separate from his daughter. I know people like to think SMs do this all the time, but in reality, no one can separate a man from his child or a woman from her child unless they, they themselves, want to separate.

Patriffel, I know its a dismay from the mere fact the daily routine life will change. And it will be crowded in the house. BUt you have to set guidelines and define a time limit here. Its doesn't matter if its a stepchild, a biochild, a cousin or best friend. I just had my house usurped for the last month and i had enough. I told my husband ' no more stray dogs, we did our help with two people and now the doors are closed. ' We had two people stay in our house for two different reasons. We set time limits and it worked well but let me tell you , it was a relief when these people left. Both were in a jam. One lost their job and their apartment but she got on her feet quick and was out in a month. The other i gave her 4 months to get on her feet because her husband booted her out of the house. She has worse issues and i'm glad after 2 weeks she left! Its nice to help. Its your husbands son and two grandkids so of course he will be thrilled. But i'm sure after a few weeks that thrill will definitely subside. Its only natural. People need their space. So you need to sit down with your husband and your SS to set a time limit. You tell them its fine but there is a time limit. Set a reasonable time. Now it might be 3 months or more but set the max you can handle and then just deal with it. Its not forever but hey, its a jam, help out a bit , i know you've done your duty but be very open and honest about the time limit and make sure its kept. If several months pass then scrap it out with hubby and tell him , its been so many months and if no progress is made its abuse. Period. If he wants to help his son and his son is not responsible to fix things in a few months, then he can help his son by finding him another place to live and he can baby sit the grandkids. This is another solution. I do not know all the details and of course knowing more info will help all of us to give you advice but we'ld like to hear how its going. THis is not a permanent thing. So do not worry.

Hi Dana, I had to work yesterday, so didn't have time to reply to your first response. First, it's important to understand that my stepmother is mentally ill. Her illness, which I believe to be a combination of borderline personality disorder and paranoid personality disorder, makes her a very difficult person to deal with. The only reservation we ever had was that she was already married when she met my father, and then pushed my dad to get married right away. We were concerned things were going too fast. She was antagonistic to my youngest sister right off, mostly because that is the sister who is very much like mom. I later found out that my SM started watching the family videotapes almost immediately after moving into Dad's house. She didn't watch them with anyone else, but by herself. We found out because a family acquaintance came over to the house unexpectedly and discovered her doing that. My stepmother's response? "I want to see what's so great about this other woman." Still, I do believe she feels threatened by us, although we've never threatened their marriage. According to my dad, he started regretting his hasty decision to marry within a month or two of their wedding. She decided the only reason he could have come to that decision was because we were urging him to dump her. I would NEVER presume to do that. I don't offer marital advice to anyone and could not imagine intruding in my dad's marriage in that way. All of my sisters feel the same. (Side note: One sister tells me that's the reason she confides in me about fights she and her husband have had ... because I always point out his good qualities and the things she loves about him, rather than take her side and bash him.) My dad says it's only been in the past year that he has realized how much she's lied about. We've been accused of saying and doing things that never happened. Turns out, she was telling dad that we were calling when he was gone and cursing her out. She also told him that his brother borrowed $1,000 from her and never paid her back. Untrue. For a while, I've wondered if she knows the difference between fact and fiction. My sense is that she makes up those incidents, knowing at the time that they're fictional, but after she's told the story a couple of times, the event becomes real to her. As for apologizing, I have done so, over and over again. Dad says she absolutely will not forgive -- that once she feels someone has wronged her, she hates that person forever. He also says she will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong.