Upsetting situation with adult stepchildren

prostar2013

13 years ago

I would like to ask for some feedback on my current situation. My partner and I have been together for two years and have been engaged for the past year. He is 51 and I am 40. I do not have any children of my own, but my fiance has four daughters aged 23 to 30 and three granddaughters. My partner has been divorced for almost 20 years, and raised the four girls on his own after his exwife chose to leave the family. As a result, my partner and his daughters have always had a very close relationship, one which I believe could be characterized as intense and almost peer-like in nature.

From the start of our relationship until about two months ago, his daughters seemed to like me and we all did things together (like camping and bar-b-qs). They had a few minor petty issues with me that they complained to their dad about � for example, after working 2 fifteen hour shifts in a row I seemed less perky at a family dinner than they would have liked and they thought I should try harder to "be a part" of them when I was around them instead of making excuses for my fatigue. They had no problem accepting the gifts and assistance in various forms that were offered by both their father and myself during this period, however. They also complained that they weren�t seeing their dad as much as they did before, even though their dad claims that he has seen more of them since I�ve been around than he did since they became adults. I feel that I�ve done as much as I could to invite them over to the house and arrange events at which we could all socialize together.

Two months ago their bio-mom�s mom told the daughters jokingly that I was "so nice" that she planned to leave her estate to me. (This grandma keeps in contact with my partner, and I�ve talked to her maybe three times in the past two years.) This situation set off a firestorm of complaints from the daughters � for example, when they came over, I was not always in the same room as them which made them uncomfortable in the house they grew up in � and they forbid either my partner or myself to have any contact with their bio-mom�s family. This situation led to so many calls from the daughters to my partner on a daily basis that my partner�s business began to suffer.

The daughters finally demanded a face to face meeting with me, which I agreed to at the start of January. At this meeting, the daughters explained to me that I wasn�t a good fit in their opinion for their family and unless I changed to meet their standards they would not accept the relationship I had with their father. I explained that while I hoped to maintain a good relationship with my partner and a civil relationship with them, I didn�t plan to take orders from them and if they wanted to improve their relationship with me they could start by treating me with respect.

The daughters responded to this meeting by telling their dad that they didn�t understand how he could love me if I didn�t love them "as a parent should". They have since cut off contact with their father, and today came by the house to pick up all of their things that we had stored here. They voluntarily turned in their house keys and explained that they were completely done with their father until he got rid of me.

My partner is obviously upset about this situation, but doesn�t want us to separate quite yet and feels that I have done nothing wrong, could not have done anything better in my relationship with them over the past two years, and am a very good fit for him. Instead, he feels we should try moving to a different house � one which his kids haven�t grown up in � and try to strengthen our relationship while rebuilding a relationship with his kids. My heart says this would be great, but my head says that this really is never going to be resolved and I am signing up for nothing but misery if I continue trying to please these adult children who don't seem to want to be pleased.

I�m so torn, and am wondering if anybody else has gone through this and could offer advice, or share any thoughts that might be helpful? Thank you in advance for your help.

Featured Answer

Kim Aves

10 years ago

Again, Google the term "mini wife." In this case, they guy had four, so unfortunately, prostar 2013 didn't stand a chance. I've seen marriages break up, with just one mini-wife in the picture. I know it is now a couple of years late, but it is sad that this guy's four daughters basically destroyed his life. On another forum, one blogger made note of how she knew of a woman, who broke up with her fiance because her children didn't approve of him, and how this woman was now a lonely, miserable alcoholic. Wasn't that a nice gift for her children to give her--a life of misery without a partner? In my opinion, dad should have kicked his daughters' butts to the moon. They had no concern for anyone other than themselves.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (9)

justmetoo
13 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Why would you plan social events after working two 15hr shifts? Why not leave the get-togethers for times when you are up to socializing? By over extending yourself, you may have sent the 'message' (without meaning to) that you're not interested and/or flat out dislike family events. While you're dead tired and in dire need of personal relaxing, they're seeing a lady who is half a sleep in the chair and one that seemed bothered and antisocial towards what should be a fun event.

These ladies are adults. They have homes of their own. They can invite Dad and you over occassionally and host events (they do the work) and you have the option of accepting invite or declining due to heavy work schedule. When you do the inviting and hosting, plan it on weekends that actually will be relaxing and enjoyable to you.

I actually think a different home is a reasonable suggestion by your partner. The ladies childhood home? The oldest is 30. These ladies naturally view you as the outsider in this long held house. If partner is finacially able to sell his home and desires to set up a new environment, let him. New house, new start. Partner and you are planning on beginning a future as man and wife...do you really want to start it in a house where you're the outsider. Go house hunting. Let husband gather up the items in his present home that he no longer needs and/or the two of you plan on using. Give the items of personal maaning to the ladies and sell the rest. New home, new beginnings. Leave the sentimental strings behind you.

'The Meeting' was a bad idea. Too confrontational. And remember, respect goes two ways. These are not children, they're adults. They desire as much respect as adult children of your partner and you do the respect due you as partner's new mate. Don't blame them their father took so many phone calls his business suffered. He's an adult. He can pick up the phone once and announce 'not a good time'. Instead he chose to take all the calls...don't excuse his role in the issue.

At 40 I'm going to assume you have held your own home until recently when you moved in with your partner. Do you still own it? You might consider spending time in your past home while your partner makes some serious decisions. Not a choice of 'you or them', but a workable solution as to how to blend all his ladies into his life. He needs to sit his daughters down and they (Dad/daughters) are the ones who should have been having that 'meeting'. He needs to come to an understanding with his daughters. He does not need their permission to select a partner. He does not need to be available to them 24/7 (he and they are all adults now). He loves them and he loves you...nothing you do is going to change his love for them and nothing they do (hissy fits and turning in keys) is going to change his love for you.

And yes, my mother had a SO for 22yrs. She never married him, kept all assests and financials apart, and she kept her own home. She never gave up her house and basically spent time in both houses. My mother's SO's daughter went out of her way to be controling and a grown up spoiled hateful brat. My mother chose not to be controled by this daughter, nor to let this daughter control mom's relationship with SO.
prostar2013
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks for your response, justmetoo - it's helpful to consider my situation from a variety of perspectives, and your reply helped me to do that.
Related Discussions
Relationship with Adult Stepchildren
Q
Comments (43)
I encourage my DH to spend times alone with his kids. I've been brought up to realize that not everyone should be included. Like my own son. I love him but i dont want him stuck to my hip! I like my alone time and i like time with my husband. Other times i just want time with the gals. So i think on that end i would agree with some posters that your Dh should spend time with his girls. What i do also understand is why your Dh wont cause it makes him uncomfortable with her physically touching him like that. This is not normal and rubbing and flopping in her daddy's lap at her age is cause for concern. So your DH refuses the ' date' because he sees it as an encouragement for thsi odd behaviour and i agree with him to refuse. But he should refuse explaining exactly why because of his discomfort not because you are excluded. ANd i do not like the way your SD blunted said you are exclude. Because she obviously has issues with you and she could have used different words such as ' Dad ,i'ld like some time alone just the two of us ifyou dont mind. And maybe another time we can all go out but i need some one on one advice and time from you as my father. ' And yes, my husband is exactly like yours most of the time. He is aloof with his own brothers and sisters. Which i'm not used because i'm close with my family and do not mind if they drop by. He does. He likes his alone time with me only.WHich drives me nuts cause i do not like anyone stuck to my hip. I think balance in everything is healthy. Too much of anything is not. Whether it be a person, a computer, a drink, food tect..etc... In the end. If your husband is not comfortable in going out with his daughters whether you have been invited or not, its his perogative to say no. Its just too bad that you are the scapegoat when he does decline. Or words it in such a way the way he did. Your DH defines himself with you. and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like my husband. If i'mnot invited, he tells people to take a hike. I'm proud of him for it but sad at the same time because he should define himself alone not just with me. I guess its to each their own. And how they want to live. You cannot force anyone to phone people whetther its their own family or friends. I used to remind my husband, phone your kids, but now i dont....i should not be his mother. I'm his wife and itshis responsibility to phone his kids. If he doesn't , then its not my fault. Its his and his kids know it. ANyways..we're on vacation! And we're off to the mall to putts around on a rainy icky day! Chin up, dont worry about yoru SD. Let your husband handle it. Even if he doesn't handle it perfectly, its stillhis call in the end.
...See More
Adult Step-children
Q
Comments (29)
Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself.
...See More
Adult Stepchildren
Q
Comments (33)
"Just like criminals tend to find religion when they're facing sentencing or prison, relatives tend to have changes of heart when it's likely to benefit them financially." Sylvia, I'd be inclined to agree with your view more (even though it's pessimistic... hey, nothing wrong with a healthy amount of pessimism b/c sometimes in this world you have to watch your back!) if there had been some major change recently in circumstances, such as Dad being diagnosed with a major illness, or daughter having a sudden major bout of financial trouble, etc. OP: have any such occurences taken place? If so, it might make me a bit more pessimistic, too. But if not, it's harder to see where these doubts should automatically eclipse the natural tendency of biological relatives to want to have a good close relationship with one another, especially parent and child. Let's face it, parents and their children often have disagreements, often nasty ones... especially where divorce/remarriage are concerned, and especially if heavy drugs are thrown in the mix. If a parent and child don't want to stay estranged forever but want to rebuild their relationship after years of pain, how is this ***in itself*** so suspect, and why wouldn't it be welcomed? Yes, it's important to be aware of possible motives, but these usually jump out like red flags, i.e. someone about to die. Dad in his 50's is very young! Nowhere near the average expected age of dying--- if *daughter* was obsessed about his will, don't you think she'd just "do her thing" and be MIA for quite a while longer before bothering to sweeten Dad up, pre-bucket-kicking? Again, there may be details I'm unaware of that may make it more likely she has a financial motive... which is why I'm asking OP to share them. I follow the wisdom of "prepare for the worst, hope for/be open to the best", and in the case of someone who's battled drug addiction for many years this probably SHOULD include locking valuables away when she visits. Take whatever precautions you feel you need to take if you are concerned about money, valuables, etc. And once they've been safeguarded to a reasonable extent, it should be fine for you to welcome her in. (And hope she actually shows up this time!) As for daughter asking for financial help, I wouldn't bring up the issue at all. IF SHE brings it up, certainly YOU have the right to tell her you won't help her. Your husband has this right, legally, as well, which he may choose to exercise or he may not. Depending on what she might need money for, he may decide to help her. He may decide to pay whatever debt or bill it is directly, or he may decide on an amount which he believes should permanently get her out of whatever trouble it might be provided she allocates it appropriately (the idea being that from this point on she shouldn't have to ask again, and he probably should tell her this intention straight-up). If, after that, she mis-spends his money, he can say "I'm sorry, but what I gave you last time should have covered it. I told you that was going to be it, so this shouldn't be a surprise" without guilt. Or he may decide to make it a loan, or give her nothing at all... can't predict. Then, depending on attitude daughter takes towards him after that, you might be proven correct that money probably played a big role in her desire to be closer. In other words, you won't really know if that's true or not until after-the-fact, and so there's no sense *presuming* that's the case. But you can certainly *prepare* for that possibility by taking precautions with your stuff, knowing what both you and your husband will do (which may very well be two different things) if SD asks for money, and hoping for the best. She can ask, but neither you nor DH *have* to give. YOU definitely don't, from a legal nor a moral obligation. DH doesn't legally, but depending on what it may be for, he might feel obligated morally (i.e. she's literally about to be thrown onto the street, or she has a disease that she can't pay for treatment for, and without treatment, she'll be in unbearable pain the rest of her life...) In these instances or anything like it, more I think about it, if DH pays, he should pay the bill directly and not necessarily trust her to pay it herself unless/until she's shown over a long period of time that she can be trusted to do so. In general, though, unless daughter brings it up, I would mentally separate the issue of finances from the possibility of Dad & daughter re-establishing peace long-term. At least for the time being. They should be separate issues anyway, and if *anyone* involved here pushes the issue of finances too soon or too forcefully it's not a good sign.
...See More
Adult Stepchildren
Q
Comments (10)
These are not little children, nor are they really all grown up ready to be on their own as 'adults'. Sure, age wise might say they are, but reality shows the boys have been allowed (encouraged?) to more or less have things the way they like. I imagine living with Dad and/or dividing their time between Mom's home and Dad's home has been pretty much extremely enjoyable for the boys. Best of both worlds per a teens view: man cave with Dad and Mom herself never personally moving on...the boys have not had to adjust. No, they don't want or need you as a 'mother figure'. They have a mother. Nope, they aren't taking well to a lady now living in Dad's man cave either...pfff, here comes this lady raining on their parade. Dad has made numerous blunders. "Well yeah", pretty much sealed evil as forever being a part of stepmother for you. But it also clearly states that your husband is not perhaps entirely in agreement with you and the changes you desire and are attempting to make. More, he's willing to let you make some changes to please you...but he was pretty much happy the way his home was before you decided their should be expectations and rules. Buying a new home overall for husband and you to start out in and create 'your' home (you/DH) would have perhaps been better and easier for all. A house the boys are not as familar with and don't think of as 'their' house and you the outsider crashing their man cave. Is it too late to consider buying a house and starting the newly married couple home afresh? And no, sending a letter to Mom is bad idea. It will amount to striking a match and tossing another log onto her already burning fire. Don't give her more fuel. Husband needs to discuss whatever with Mom, and husband needs to be the one doing the communicating with her. If he's not willing to tell Mom that he's capable of running his own home, you've got another whole new problem. Whatever for whatever reason is between them needs to be dealt with between them. If he can't stand up to her, he either does not want to or is afraid to. He's got to learn (or grow the b*lls) to defend himself and stand as a man in control of his own life...you can't do that for him.
...See More
prostar2013
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
As a follow-up to my previous post - my partner was visited last night by several members of his family who informed him
that because I've been so terrible to the four daughters (the daughters have been bad mouthing me all over the place ), I am no longer welcome in these family members' homes. I have decided
not to lead my life being endlessly miserable with this family, so have ended my relationship with my fianc�.

Not to judge, but I think the previous response i received for my post was a bit smug & definitely atypical of the step parenting experience - being a step parent of adult children sucks, with no chance of parole.
cmcgaha2012
13 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree that being a step parent of adult children is a difficult process, much more difficult than I ever dreamed. It doesnt go away, and it does build up barriers between you and your partner. I struggle with those relationships daily and have finally come to a point that we choose to not let them destroy us, their father knows that if it causes me to leave, he will be alone -his kids wont be there for him at all. I even have one daughter that has told all other family members she wont stop until she runs me off - we have chosen to push her out of ours instead and not let her ruin our marriage. She will come around when she finally understands I am not going anywhere.
ssff12rr
10 years ago
Why do men let their daughters control them?
greymare
10 years ago
I agree!! What if they were sons? Would it be different? I think it would be. My three step daughters KNOW that they have their father and it doesn't matter to them that they make my life miserable. I'm mad at myself for giving them that POWER!!!! That's the worst. They shouldn't have that power over me. I guess because I fee like my husband isn't with me in this so I feel alone and totally powerless.
Southern Summer
10 years ago
Pro, these girls are manipulative mean spirited jerks. You will never stand a chance. I agree that your initial response was from the perspective of a stepchild, who blamed you for not being perky enough, but that's what you are dealing with x four, so no surprise, right? You did the right thing. Move on and be glad. The mini wives have their husband back. Let the orgie begin.
trawarren
9 years ago
I know this post is a little old but I hope you have moved on and moved out. Adult step daughters ARE NOT worth it. My husband does whatever she tells him to do. She needed more attention right after we got married so she got pregnant. Now she thinks it's everyone else's job to raise the kid while she continues to party - drugs alcohol jail time. The kid is dumped at our house every weekend. I do didn't sign up to babysit all the time

Upsetting situation with adult stepchildren

Kim Aves

Comments (9)

justmetoo

prostar2013
Original Author

Related Discussions

prostar2013
Original Author

cmcgaha2012

ssff12rr

greymare

Southern Summer

trawarren

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Upsetting situation with adult stepchildren

Kim Aves

Comments (9)

justmetoo

prostar2013Original Author

Related Discussions

prostar2013Original Author

cmcgaha2012

ssff12rr

greymare

Southern Summer

trawarren

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

prostar2013
Original Author

prostar2013
Original Author