(I am a posting maniac today, thanks to burning desire to procrastinate on some legitimate work that isn't due until Monday. I also just found this site and am endlessly curious about stepfamilies, knowing I am about to become one to a 6 year old boy.)

My questions for you:

Have you told your stepmother the way you feel? My assumption, based on your description, is that she has kind of swooped in with the notion that she can "fix" your father and the problems in his past, probably motivated by some kind of ego-manically based love and caring for him. It sounds like maybe there is nothing to fix from your perspective. You recognize that he's not a bad man, just a bad dad and you've made your peace with that (yes?). Is she rational enough to understand that (I know some people aren't rational)? Maybe throw in there that she's doing more harm than good and any chance for any kind of relationship with the man is being erroded by her interference?

If she's not rational enough to understand, do you at least feel like you could talk to your dad and say, 'hey, you and I both know where we stand in our relationship and we're ok with that. Can you tell her to back off? And, BTW, if you're not ok with where we're at, you need to speak to me yourself, not send the new stepmother to do the work, who also happens to hold very little credibility in my eyes?'

My other question:

How's your relationship with your stepdad? My observations have been that typically children who have step parents of the opposite sex tend to accept them better than step parents of the same sex (step sons like the step moms more and vice versa). If it's a good relationship with the step dad, any advice for a new step parent? If it's not good with the step dad, any tips on what not to do as a step parent?

Good luck to you. Naively, I thought these issues went away once the children became adults, but obviously, I am mistaken.

Oh stepdaughter ... Organicmaureen and I could write a book for you and it still wouldn't cover the entire experience. We're both adult stepdaughters. Our mothers died and dads remarried women who have tried hard to erase their adult children from dad's life.

First, I have to tell you, it could be worse. Infinitely worse. I know it seems like hell now, but trust me ... it can be worse.

I think hlmhr has a point about the SM "fixing" dad and his screwed-up life. I also would try the direct approach. It's always best to lay your cards on the table, but I think I'd start with dad, not SM. He may not have a clue (and it sounds like he's pretty clueless) that she's up to her little machinations. If he indicates otherwise, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he lost his chance to have a close relationship with you a long time ago. I hate to say it, but when it comes to fathers (and biological mothers too) once that ship sails, it's pretty hard to call it back into port.

If she continues to call and pester you after your "come to Jesus" talk with Dad, I would tell her, "Look, you are a newcomer to this family. You need to understand there's a lot of water under the bridge. I am at peace with my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father and I don't need anyone, you included, to try to fix it." If she keeps it up, cut her off with a short, "You know I feel about this subject." If she calls and brings the subject up, I'd say, "We've discussed this and you know my feelings. If you don't want to change the subject, let's just end this call now."

I understand your feelings about your dad perfectly. My dad was what I thought was the perfect father until I was about 40. That's when he met my stepmother, who has worked diligently to isolate him from his friends, family and church. He went along with everything she said and did until very recently and is now trying to re-build bridges he burned long ago. I still love him but the trust just isn't there. My youngest sister is much less willing to forgive and forget, and will not return his calls or letters.

I have repeatedly tried to caution both stepparents and biological parents of the danger of fractured family relationships. Stepchildren seem to be automatically cast in the wrong, but many have reasons for feeling and acting the way they do, whether their parent and stepparent recognizes it or not. Children are resilient and forgive much, but everyone reaches their breaking point eventually. I started out wanting to be friends with my stepmother. Then I thought that maybe we could be civil acquaintances. I'm at the point where I don't ever want to see her again.

I have to agree w/ the fine ladies above.

SM is definitely trying to mend things between you. She is building up your father - saying how great he is to her kids, etc, perhaps in an effort to make you think that he has changed, that the estrangement isn't "his" fault, or that you perceived him ALL wrong, lol.

Maybe he is great to them? Who knows? Maybe he has realized how much he has missed out on raising you, etc. Maybe he wants to make an attempt to be close to you at this stage. Or maybe she MAKES him be involved. It's also possible that he isn't so great w/ them, but she's trying to make you feel that he is.

Regardless, if it were me, I'd make a little trip up there - take the kids and your DH. Tell your DH to play outside w/ the children then lay it on the line. Put it in writing if this isn't acceptable to you.

If you're 'done' w/ the whole thing, then say so. She can blame you, he can blame you, or whatever. If you truly don't care to reestablish a relationship w/ him, you need to be very direct about it.

If you do wish to have more contact w/ him, then say so. But, say that you don't need to have SM interfering - that it will happen on your terms, etc.

Lastly, do NOT send your kids up there w/o you. As you said, they don't know him, don't know her, and since your contact w/ him has been largely nonexistent, it's just not happening!

Good luck,
Dana

Is that you J? OK - There are enough details that are different that I can tell this post wasn't written by my own adult step daughter, but much of it could have been. Truly, there are SO many similarities between your situation and ours (other side) that I'm going to present our side of the story in hopes that it may shed some light on yours.

Background: I am an adult stepchild. I have a mother and stepfather who raised me since age 5. I also have a father who was mainly absent during my life and a stepmother who came into the picture when I was an adult.

My DH and his wife divorced when his DD was about 5 also -- so very young. He loved his DD and DS very, very much, and pre-divorce, was as active and involved a father as he could possibly have been, even though he worked 2 jobs to allow Mom to stay home with the kids and provide a decent house. True, he didn't earn a lot, since BioMom got pregnant when Dad was only 18. He had to give up his full college scholarship, but he threw himself into being the best husband and father he could be. BioMom was also very involved, and her entire life revolved around her children.

When she filed for divorce (after having an affair and running up $25,000 in credit card debt in 1 the week prior to filing), she was furious with Dad and vowed to do everything within her power to make sure he would never have a close relationship with his children again. And she did. She told them Dad hit her and threatened her (untrue), that he never paid child support (untrue - I've seen the cancelled checks), and that he was only concerned with himself and his own needs. She'd plan fabulous, expensive Dad-excluding activities for them and their friends during Dad's visitation time. So Dad would have to either take his own kids plus all of their 'insulation friends' for outtings he could not afford (remember the $25K cc debt?) -- or disapoint all the kids by opting for something less extravagent. Then she'd point this out as proof of how 'selfish' he was. She demanded absolute loyalty from the kids and told them they didn't have to visit their father if they didn't want to. It wasn't too long before the kids started resisting going to Dad's, and somehow, they always ended up going to the movies or toy store with Mom instead if they didn't go. After all, all Dad ever wanted to do was play games, go to the park, work together on craft projects - boring ole' quality time together stuff. If the kids ever got bored at Dad's, they'd call Mom, and she'd be over instantly to pick them up and take them to the toy store. So the kids whined and complained in front of Mom; Dad was devastatingly hurt and angry. And eventually, he stopped insisting that the kids visit him if they really didn't want to go. Mom twisted that into "See - he doesn't care about you. He's not a good father - never was." And away the vicious cycle went... Every action was interpreted for the kids into the best light for Mom and the worst for Dad until everything the kids saw convinced them Mom was a martyr and Dad was worthless.

OK - Enough about our situation. But my point is that there are reasons your dad wasn't there for you as a child. And that those reasons may involve your mother. Many divorced parents try to alienate the children from the Ex spouse, and sometimes those efforts are successful. I'm not trying to excuse your Dad's behavior -- it was wrong. (My husband's was wrong.) But there are reasons he wasn't around, and you need to know and understand what those were. Maybe he was just a lousy father -- But that's not the only possibility.

1. She has 2 children with her 1st husband and every time we interact she insists on going on and on about how great of a father my dad is to her kids. Well good from them, he never was there for me.

Yes - She is trying to show you that he's a good person, a good father, so all the other posters are right on this point. I guess she is being a little insensitive to how that might make you feel -- for your father to be a good dad to somebody else's kids, while your own experience was so heartbreakingly different. What she's trying to say is that he could be a good Dad to YOU, now, if you'd let him be.

2. When I called my dad out for not keeping his word to me one day (par for the course), she felt compelled to insert herself in the situation and call me (when my dad was asleep) and rip me a new one and give me the rules for speaking to my father. How dare she! My relationship with my father is none of her business.

You know, I did almost the same thing. Shortly after we were married, SD called on Father's Day to berate her father for never being there for him. Boy, she let him have it! I understand she was hurt and angry. I can only imagine how devastating it would be for a little girl to feel so abandoned by her father - especially when they had been so close pre-divorce. DH handled things pretty well at first. He let her vent and listened -- but eventually, he was in tears and as hurt and angry as she was. Remember, he had lost his daughter to her mother's manipulations. His feelings on the subject were just as strong as hers. (I know this for a fact - I can't count how many times I had held him while he cried in pain over how his relationship with his first two kids had died.) Eventually, one of them hung up on the other and DH went outside to regroup and so our toddler wouldn't be so upset. So when SD called back to continue her tirrade, I picked up the phone. She demanded to talk to her father and I very quietly refused to put him on the phone. I said there were at least two sides to every story and that she only knew one of them. She set into me -- It wasn't any of my business! Who in the He!! did I think I was?! -- you know. I just said that I knew how hurt and angry she was, and that her father was also hurt and angry, and that no good could come from any further discussion at that time -- that they would only hurt each other more. I repeated that there was a whole side to the story that she had never heard, but that this wasn't the time for it. I told her I knew that her father loved her vary, very much and that he had never wanted to be excluded from her life. I told her that I hoped she would be ready to hear the other side some day and that our door was always open. Then I hung up. I had an identical conversation with her older brother a few minutes later when he called to stick up for his sister. (Incidentally, this was the first time I had ever spoken to either of them since they had refused to meet me before or come to our wedding.) I still think it was the right thing to do.

3. She calls me ALL THE TIME to tell me how much my dad wants a relationship with me, how hurt he is that we don't call, how I should call him, and not to tell him that she called me. How manipulative can she be? And does she think I'm an idiot? I could probably count the number of times my dad has called me in my entire life...Let's see, I'm 31, so that would be maybe 60 times (birthdays and christmas). So the idea that he wants a relationship is ridiculous.

How are you so sure of what your father wants? It's clear you're still angry and upset with him, and that's hard for anyone to take. Have you ever read any of John Gray's 'Mars & Venus' books? One of the main themes in the books is the different ways men and women handle strong emotions, particularly pain. Men tend to retreat into their caves, and this is probably what your father is doing. He knows he has hurt and disappointed you, and unless he can fix it, it is emotionally safer for him to retreat and protect himself. Consider it from another angle -- Having you involved in your father's life makes things more complicated for your step mother. Why would she want that unless it was what would make your father happy?

4. She regularly wants my sister and I to send our children up to visit her and my dad and her kids. It is almost comical.

Yes, she is trying to fix the relationship. She knows how much her DH is hurting. She may even see how much you have been hurt by your father's absence. But why is that such a bad thing? Isn't it really your father you're angry with? The only thing bad she's done is to force you to confront past hurts in an attempt to fix them. But isn't the possibility of a future good relationship with your father worth going through some pain? For what it's worth, my DH's relationship with his children has now been healed. And frankly, I don't think it would have been had I not 'stuck my nose in' -- emotions were just too high on both sides.

Yes, what she's doing is painful to you right now. But my take is that she's doing this because she's a good person, not because she's a bad one.

Stepdaughter,

Let's not forget that ALL Stepmothers are saints, it's us Adult Steps from H*ll that create ALL the problems.
:) Just kidding all you stepmothers. Couldn't resist a bit of Adult Step humor...

In regards to your situation. If it were me, I'd tell her next time she calls exactly what you posted - "I had come to terms with the fact my father would never be a father, stopped hoping he would be and accepted him and our relationship as it was." Tell her she is opening up old wounds you don't wish to open at this time. (Be nice, no attitude and don't feel an obligation to explain or justify your feelings to her, remain neutral.)

Next time they want your kids to visit without you, just kindly say we'll have to pass at this time, but thank you for asking... and if she asks why? Again kindly say, thank for asking but we'll have to take a raincheck at this time.

I wouldn't be hostle with her. It sounds like her intentions are good, but she's crossing into areas that are uncomfortable for you at this time. She needs to respect that.

Not wild about any SM chewing out an Adult for having a heated conversation with their dad. Women are emotional and have this need to protect. The SM is protecing her husband, HOWEVER, this is where holding back and stepping aside is important at least to an Adult Step. It's the time when SM's should "disengage" as they so commonly refer to.

I think sunnygardener makes some good points, but the argument that the bio mom may be the problem here doesn't make much sense to me.

You're 31 years old. That means you reached the age of majority 13 years ago. It sounds as if your dad married your stepmother within the last couple of years? If that's the case, he had years to make a connection with you, but apparently failed to do so.

Also, all stepmothers have to realize that what their husbands tell them is really only one side of the story. So not only is your stepmother operating on hearsay, but she's intruding upon a relationship that was broken LONG before she ever came into the picture. As a stepdaughter, I would find that offensive. I think most adults would feel the same way.

Organic M.

Yes, the stepmoms are perfect. No it is not only the stepchilds fault, it is the moms.

As a SM and SD myself I can say that this woman is out of line. You do not join a family then try to play mrs. fix-what-has-long-been-broken. If she were to nicely make an effort to see you and slowly build a friendship with you that is one thing, but her behavior as you've described can only be classified as ignorant. You cannot mend years of hurt with demands and forcefulness.

She needs to back off and take baby steps...

I'm working very hard to to try to understand the feelings adult stepdaughters have toward their stepmothers.

As I've stated before, I have an adult stepdaughter who dislikes me and I have one who likes me. I believe I've treated them both the same - at least initially, until the older SD made her feelings clear to me. I pulled back because I sensed she resented me.

I'd like to keep the comments to adult stepdaughters only, please. If you've had a good experience with your SM, I'd love to hear your experience and also the reasons you have good feelings toward your SM.

What did she do or say to you that fostered a healthy relationship? How long did it take? Did you like her right away or did it take years?

For those who dislike their SM, did you dislike her from the start or was it something she said or did that made you dislike her, or perhaps a series of things that happened?

And finally, for those with a bad SM relationship, if you had your wish, what would be the best outcome for you? Is there anything she could do or say that would soften your heart toward her or is it too late?

Thanks!

If I were in your shoes and felt the way you did, I wouldn't take calls from her. Just be polite and firm about it. End the conversation when she gets out of line.

By all means go visit your dad, or slowly build a friendship with your SM if that is what you want to do, but you are an adult, so how much interaction you have with her is really up to you.

It sounds like she desperately wants everyone to get along as one big happy family. I think her intentions are good but she's going about it the wrong way. It is up to her to learn when to step in and when to let go. At this stage, I'd have to say that all you can really do is set up some boundaries to protect your own sanity.

Hi, Stepdaughter

I hate to keep recommending a book, but this was incredibly helpful to me, and I will tell you why.

My husband has always been involved in his kids' lives,
but my step-kids would have complained in the beginning that
I was too interested in them and their lives, and I wanted to spend too much time with them. I wasn't as intense about it as your Step-mom, but I definitely wanted everyone to be happy and congenial, including my husband's birth-step-family. I didn't understand why they were not as keen on the idea as I was. Eventually my husband's birth step-family unified, which has been a great events in our lives.

When I read "Step Wars", I learned that there are 6 basic roles in step-families-- 3 roles are joiners and 3 roles are
separaters.

The most intense joiner role is the "Unifier". The person who wants everyone to come together and be one big family like the Brady Bunch. Oh, yeah, I was a Unifier.

On the opposite pole are the separaters--who range from
neutral--which I think you probably are..."I am an adult, and I have my own life, and I'm not unhappy, I just don't see a reason to get all intense about this".

Also, in that group is the Distancer (which I am now),
which basically means disengaging.

The most extreme in that group (I think it was called the Disabler) is the person who actively tries to break up the new family, but I don't get that feeling here.

Family roles can change over time. I was initially a Unifier, and now I am a Distancer. My step-son was initially a Disabler, and how he is a Joiner. My husband's ex was initially a Disabler, and now she is a Distancer.
My SD was initially a Distancer, and now she is a Disabler.

Anyway, there was a time when my feelings were so raw that I really couldn't see my step-kids' point of view. Since I have read this book, I can see why they were neutral to begin with. From your point of view, I guess my SK probably saw me the same way that you see your SM. I really really wanted to have a nice family, and I wanted to please my husband. I honestly loved my SK because I loved the part of my husband that I saw in them. I craved the family visits, family meals, family vacations, family weddings...I just craved it all.

It just was not interesting to my SK--they had their affairs in order, and they weren't into my vision of things.

It may be too soon for you to want to do this, but I would
really suggest that you read this book. It may be way too late for you and your father, but maybe some good could come out of this, and maybe your father's wife really could serve to bring some unity to your family. It certainly seems like she is trying.

June0000, this is in reply to your questions of adult stepdaughters.

First, a recap of of my situation:

I've been a stepdaughter for nearly six years. My dad was a widower of just less than a year when he met my stepmother and they were married within just a few months. The relationship was tentative at first, dissolved to anger (from her) next, then polite and strained for about six months, followed by outright hostility (again, from her) for about six months and then she cut off all contact between my dad and his family.

How did that happen? He went from being a fairly healthy man in his mid-60s to suffering an array of health problems, sleeping all the time, etc. When people called, they either got the answering machine and phone calls went unreturned, or my SM answered and refused to put dad on the phone.

I tried everything I could think of, including contacting their minister to set up counseling, but nothing worked. Ultimately, dad was estranged from his family for nearly four years. He finally reached out to his brother, his terminally ill sister and me and my siblings about eight months ago, although all contact with his family takes place in secret and behind my SM's back.

So, to answer your questions: For those who dislike their SM, did you dislike her from the start or was it something she said or did that made you dislike her?

I didn't dislike her from the start. I didn't entirely trust her because she started chasing dad while still married to her previous husband. She told everyone a bunch of lies about herself and her past, including how many times she'd been married. When I realized she and dad were getting serious, I wrote her a letter telling her how happy I was that dad had found someone and was happy again. I told her that, while I didn't need a mother, I'd be happy and honored to be her friend. I received no reply to the letter for almost three weeks. I finally asked dad if she'd gotten it and he replied that she had. About two weeks after that, I finally received a card that made no reference to anything I'd said.

Nevertheless, I reached out again and gave her a fairly nice gift to welcome her to the family when I found they'd become engaged. I gave it to her in person. She opened the box, looked blankly at the sterling silver picture frame and didn't say anything. She stuffed it back in the box, put it back into the gift bag and said, "I have to go now."

She said she wanted a large wedding, but also wanted to get married in less than a month. I suggested to dad that perhaps they were rushing things a bit. I got the feeling that he thought so as well. The next day, she called me back and started screaming and carrying on about how I was ruining their lives and trying to control my father and that they'd nearly broken up and that they had considered a double suicide!!!!! Then she abruptly changed the subject and said the wedding was going to be the following Sunday and they were just going to have a ceremony after church. I went, took pictures (because she hadn't hired a photographer or anything) and later made them a wedding album. I never heard a thank-you from her.

When the first Mother's Day rolled around, I didn't feel comfortable giving her a gift, but I did give her a card and a flower. No response. I gave her birthday gifts. No response. I gave her Christmas gifts. No response. The second Mother's Day, I gave her a gift and a card. The only response to that was a screaming phone call to tell me she's not my mother and she doesn't WANT Mother's Day remembrances from me. She steadily tightened her grip on my dad, told lies about me and my siblings to family members and friends and proceeded to nearly destroy my family.

To this day, she tells people in my hometown elaborate lies about why no one ever sees my dad's family around and it all centers on her being the victim and everyone else attacking and trying to destroy her. She's very convincing and people who ought to know better believe her. My dad did too until he started realizing that what she was telling him about what his children did or said simply didn't match what she told other people. He said she'll never admit she's done anything wrong. It's always someone else's fault.

So, no, I didn't dislike from the start. I don't ever want to have to see her again. To be honest, I pray for the day she is out of our lives for good. I just hope it happens before my dad dies.

As always, I think the truth lies in the middle.

Obviously, this sm is overbearing. But, as june pointed out I think it is not because she wants there to be problems but more so because she wants to help. She is just going about it the way wrong way.

Response to complaints;
1. I fully understand your resentment of her continously telling you how great he is with her kids. It must hurt more than I can imagine. But I do get the feeling given her other actions that it comes from the ... hey he is a good dad now ... maybe he can be a good dad to you now.
2.Obviously, you ripping him upset him. If it didnt, she wouldnt know about. It is as simple as that. IF he truly didnt give a flying flip you doing all the yelling in the world wouldnt faze him. But it did because he told his wife about it. She obviously should not have called you up and got onto you about it. But, she only has what he is telling her (just as we only have your story) and she felt she had to protect him. This wasnt about you on this occasion, it was about him. She overstepped her bounds to be certain, but really dont we all want a sig other that cares enough to protect.
3.She wants to fix things... she is so doing it the wrong way.. She obviously sees something that is going on with DAD that causes her to feel this way or she wouldnt be acting so strongly...
4.Obviously, you wouldnt send your kids up there on their own... but the fact that she wants a relationship doesnt not make her a bad person or imo the step mother from hell

All in all ... I think she is overbearing and abrasive but her heart is in the right place. And maybe, just maybe you could be wrong about what dad's pov is on your relationship maybe he does want a relationship and maybe things have changed. If they havent for you that is understandable. But, obviously, you have not really gotten over or accepted your dad lack of fatherliness or you wouldnt have bothered to rip into him in the first place. I think it is time for a sit down (if possible) Tell SM you understand what she is trying to do but it is not helping and that you need to handle it in your own way... then TALK to dad ... actually resolve feelings and complications and find out where he does stand and then make your own decisions one way or another.

As always, Mom_of_4 -- the voice of reason.

I agree with sweeby. Sounds to me that your SM's intentions may be better than her judgement. She can't change your past with your dad. And she can't control how you feel. She probably wants to create this BIG HAPPY BLENDED FAMILY. Maybe she watchs too many Lifetime made for TV movies. Just a feeble attempt at humor :) Maybe she'll eventually run out of energy..... Good luck and hope I made you smile. Susan

"really dont we all want a sig other that cares enough to protect. "

No, I wouldn't want a significant other who tried to "protect" me from my own children. If I were male, I wouldn't want my significant other to call up anyone and yell at them for me. I asked my adult son what he thought, and he said that he would be embarrassed if someone fought his battles for him.

You disgust me!
Why cant you live your own life as an adult and leave the couple alone?
When are you going to grow up,whiner??

Uh ... DrCasey? ... who are you talking to?

embarrassed maybe.. but the fact remains that i think most of us would have a soft spot if nothing else for someone who gets angry on our behalf. I know my hubby gets upset when someone wrongs me or upsets me... I tell him not to worry about it. I can handle it but there have been a few occasions when he really really wanted to lash out at the person that made me upset. And, that was my point. Even if it is your children. The same thing I do for him, he does for me. We stand up for each other and back each other up. As I said her calling up was over stepping her bounds and she shouldnt have done it... but putting yourself in someone else's shoes and thinking about how would you feel if you sig other was upset never hurts. Infact, I personally believe if you look at it from the other side it always helps.

I disagree. I would NOT want my significant other to get angry on my behalf at my children, my mother or father, or even my sibling. Almost anyone else would be fair game.

I also do not particularly like friends getting angry at my exH on my behalf. He may be a jerk, and I can get mad at him all I want, but it bothers me when friends and strangers criticize him.

Hi,
Wow..your story is so similar to mine as far as how your step mother is acting. My mom passed away 2 years ago after a lengthy battle with COPD and kidney failure. My dad checked out of their relationship emotionally quite a few years ago, but stayed with my mom out of pure loyalty. He also was never a really good father, or grandfather either. 2 months after my mom passed, my dad started living with a woman he met on an online dating site. She had just lost her husband a few months prior, and it seemed they had quite a bit in common. I struggled with his new relationship at first, and wondered how in the world he could move on while the tears from my moms funeral were still fresh in my eyes. I decided that my dad couldn't spend the rest of his life alone, so I gave his new woman a chance. We got along really well at first- and she was eager to meet and care for my two young kids as she was not allowed to visit her only grandchild. I didn't really dig into the reason why at the time, but I wish I had. The first entire year we knew her, she showered us with gifts, household items, money if we needed it- my daughter had so many gifts for Christmas that year that she got tired of opening them. She even loaned my sister some expensive luggage to take on a trip to California. She encouraged us to visit my dad, and said she would never try to replace my mom, but wanted her own relationship with us. A few months into their relationship, my dad had to have a 5 bypass heart surgery. The surgery was at my dads girlfriends urging. He proposed to her just before he went under anesthesia, and made her his DPOA. Then, the alienation started, with my younger sister. Shortly before my dad met this woman, my dad discovered that he could "keep" my mom's life insurance money. Before then, we were under the impression that we would have to give it all back to the state to pay for her time in all the different nursing homes. My dad called each one of us kids and told us that 20,000 dollars would be coming our way. He set it up with his bank, who informed him to only take small amounts out each time. So we each got 1000 to start with, and were told when we needed the rest to let my dad know. Shortly after my dad moved in with his new fling, each of us kids were informed that the money was going to stop, and all of the rest would be going to pay for my dad's medical bills. I was disappointed, but understood that dad needed to pay for his bills. My sister was irate- and called wanting to talk to my dad. She was angry, and before she could say much, my dad's now fiancee grabbed the phone away and scolded her for making my dad upset because he had just had surgery. Things got worse from there. It ended in names being exchanged, and my dad's fiancee reminding my sister that she needed to return her luggage. I understood my dad's fiancee's point, and agreed that my sister should return her luggage and should never have acted that way. From that day on- that's all we heard about "Your sister is a thief and won't return my luggage." then it went to my sister was an alcoholic and probably sold the luggage to pay for beer. Before long, my sister was a piece of crap, a thief, and no one should trust her. A few months after that whole fiasco, I became pregnant. My dad's fiancee jumped all over that, refused to let me even drive to my appointments, and demanded that I let her take me to every one. She even bought me lunch afterwards. We started becoming close, and I allowed her into the sonogram room and even into the exam room when I had my appointments- I told people she was my mom. When it came time for the baby shower- she took control of it all and pretty much wouldn't even let my mother in law help. Everything was over the top- and I didn't even really bat an eye. A few months after my son was born, we had a family crisis. My sister felt like she had lost my dad, didn't get along at all with his fiancee, and felt completely alone. She threatened to commit suicide. I called my dad, pleading with him to get in contact with my sister, and instead he told his fiancee. She right away got on the phone and set up a trip to go see her- my kids and all. Asked me if I could be ready to go the next morning, and we did. When we got back from the trip to see my sister, everything changed. The once happy, carefree, go getting, loving woman that I thought was with my dad flipped a 360. Every time I called or wanted to stop by, it was like I was bothering her. If I called asking if my dad and her wanted to watch the kids, I was bothering her. Then she started sending all of the kids things she had at her house home to me My dad started having the same cold attitude towards me. One day, I got tired of walking on eggshells and asked: Whats going on? What has changed? She pretty much laid into me about how horrible of a person I was- I never thank them for anything they do, don't return things, I'm just trying to take my dad's money..and it went on and on. I was in tears by the end of it. We hadn't had any communication between the two of us until a few days ago when she sent me an 8 page handwritten letter- again telling me how horrible, selfish, etc. I was. I read the letter to my mother in law, brother, and husband, then threw it away. My dad married this woman about a month ago-in what he told me was a private ceremony with just one of my uncles and my grandma there. Found out yesterday both of her children were allowed to be there. I'm hurt, and feel like I've lost my father..

Stepmothers From Hell will ruin your relationship with your father. My sister and I are just coming off of thirteen years of pure hell with a woman that our Dad married after our mother died. The woman took advantage of our aging father after he had had a car accident and wasn't quite operating on all sixes mentally. So she lured him into her web and gave us adult daughters thirteen years of manipulative, evil hell until this weekend. Our Dad is dead, he will be buried beside of Our Mother, thank God, and we will be rid of HER for good. Stepmothers always pretend they are trying to hard to be nice, they are anything BUT nice. Their motives are greed and manipulation period. Most of them don't even care about the husbands they are using for mere financial gain. And we, the children, are nothing but in the way, and they certainly will let you know it. Any woman who is foolish enough to marry a man who comes with children deserves what she gets from those children. In my view, we have all gone way too easy on stepmothers. I think it should be declared LEGAL to burn them at the stake.