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chloe89_gw

Finding it so hard to be a stepmother...

Chloe89
9 years ago

Hi,

I don't really know how to start off with these things but I will start from the beginning so you can have an idea of what's been happening.

I have known my husband on and off for 11 years and we have been married for a year and a half. We have an 8 month old son together and he has a 4 and a half year old son from a previous relationship when we had spent a few years apart. He wasn't planned as his relationship with his ex was on and off but anyway he has stepped up to the plate and is maintaining and seeing his son regularly.

I have known his son since he was a year old and in the beginning the relationship with him was really good. He used to love spending time with me and the only problem I had was with the child's mother as she was so bitter about her break up she tried to do everything in her power to break my husband and I up and always using the child as a tool to get what she wanted.

She was so bitter and angry that when she found out I was pregnant she started taking my husband to court for more maintenance money and for full custody, My husband and her have finally sorted it out when our son turned 4 months old. She has also apologised to me and I have tried to accept her apology for the sake of the children.

Things have seemed to settle with the birth mother as I am managing to be civil for the sake of the children but my biggest problem is my step son. We used to be so close before but as he got older (and I know that his mother for a period of time used to say things to him against me) has no respect or even acknowledges me. When he comes to our house he doesn't even say hello, just speaks to his father and even when I try to build up a conversation sometimes he just pretends he didn't even hear me.

When his father tries to show me some affection he always tries to get in the middle so he separates us. Whenever we go out and he sees something he wants, he doesn't even ask nicely for it, he just says that he likes that particular toy, my husband will look at me and he buys it for him anyway when sometimes I say no. I don't say no to be nasty but we have been buying him so many things and so does my mother in law and he doesn't even say thank you or appreciate what you give him and that's why on that particular occasion I had said no.

We have certain rules at the house which are going to apply for my youngest son also and one of them in particular is no playing with toys on the furniture. I have told my step son so many times and in a nice and calm manner, even explaining why I am telling him not to and he still does it a second after I say no and when my husband tries to "discipline" him, he calls me a liar and said he didn't do anything wrong and my husband just tells him sweetly and nicely and within minutes he's at it again.

When I cook for my family and we have our step son for the day I try to cook meals that I know he likes. When I do cook the meals he likes he pretends he doesn't like them, starts acting like a baby so my husband stays with him for a good 20 mins spoon feeding his nearly 5 year old son.

When my step son comes to our house I feel like I don't belong in my own home. He acts like the place is his, he opens my kitchen cupboards, touches everything he sees, jumps on the sofa and breaks the rules, ignores me and only speaks to his father. I know that children are obviously going to be children but I can't understand after so many years, him knowing our rules and me telling him and explaining why I don't know why he has no respect for me and treats me like I am nothing.

When my son was born I even bought him a big present and told him it was from the baby and tried to involve him throughout my pregnancy but since my son has been born he hasn't been very bothered or interested in him.

There was one occasion when my son was 4 weeks old, crying for a bottle and my step son was sitting on my husbands lap and I asked my husband if he could hold our son while I made him a bottle so my husband asked step son if it was ok for him to move so he could hold the baby and step son said "no" and all my husband did was look at me and said "what do you want me to do, he said no".

I admit that part of this problem is also coming from my husband. When I try and tell him how I feel about situations with his son he just thinks I am attacking him and that he doesn't blame his son for not respecting me because I am all over our son and not him. The thing is when step son is here my husband hardly notices me and the baby. Especially when we have family occasions he walks ahead with step son and leaves me rushing behind with the push chair. I am not saying that he shouldn't spend time with his son but I want him to also include our son so they can actually bond and also for my husband to show his son that we are a strong family unit not when he's there we are all separated.

I am at my wits end because I dread every time we have step son over and my husband just spoils him and doesn't discipline him at all. I feel like I am a stranger in my own home and that I need to take my sons side because my husband always takes step sons side.

I do apologise for venting but I don't have anyone to talk to and I am a stay at home mother so I don't really have much friends. But if anyone feels the same way and wants to share then its great to know I am not alone. Thanks

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