"Prior to to ceremony, we were told the seating arrangement at the ceremony would be as follows: BM, DH, DD1, DD2 and then me on the end of the row. I was to be already seated and then DD1 and DD2 would do their thing and sit. Then, BM and DH would walk SS down aisle with SS and then sit down."

This statement seems to me, simply, that Bride or SS or whomever was trying to arrange seating, consulted with BM as to her preference. I'm sure that no one else gave a second thought about it as you said they changed it with no problems.

It does sound like BM is a little too friendly. I guess if this wasn't a common occurance, it would bother me, too. My X and I are not bitter enemies. When we are all together at a function for DS, we get along and laugh and joke and talk and sit next to eachother. But, I would NEVER hold his hand. Weddings are emotional days and some people show their emotions in inappropriate ways (my cousin is a "hugger"; me, not quite as much). Maybe BM was just proud and overcome with emotion? Just a thought.

"My gosh, planning a wedding is so stressful! It's taking every little bit of strength and restraint that I have to not lose it with FDH's BM!"

So true! That is why FDH and I want to elope with the kids. Take them on a fun vacation and not tell anyone what we're doing. Pack their clothes and have a great time! My DS is going to walk me down the aisle, as I only belong to him right now. FSD is going to be my Maid-of-Honor. DS will be FDH's best man. I can't wait! No one telling me "oh, well you didn't give us enough notice so we won't be able to afford to come" and trying to get us to pay their way or "why don't you come here because FIL's can't travel" or having 3 flowergirls because we can't just have 1 neice be in the wedding. Too much stress! All I want to do is marry the man I love and I don't want our marriage to start off with making sure everyone else is happy when we aren't.

"I am tired of SMs here (there were a few awhile back, Fleurs and Helena) demading to be treated same as a mom at SChilds wedding, when they had minimal role in childs life. Talk about entitlement. "

How do you know OP, or other SM's here had *minimal* involvement in in stepchilds life? That seems to be the exception rather than the rule here on this forum. Perhaps OP had more involvement in the raising of the SS than BM did?

~Cat

She doesnt live near SS, she didnt say she was. But your right, while statistically improbable, most SMs here claim to be virtually raising the stepchildren by themselves.

I would love to be more involved in FSD's life. At one time, we were spending all weekends together when FDH, BM and SF were working. I attended everything she ever did, concerts, sports, plays, carnivals and so on. Now, she moved away. I CAN'T be as involved as much as I want. But she hasn't lived in another state her whole life. You don't know when bio-dad and SM moved. It could've been recently. And there are a lot of SMs here that actually do raise their SC. Most of us EOW SMs don't claim that. But we do try to take care of them when they are with us and stay involved in their lives when they aren't with us. X's GF is very involved with DS. Even though she is an EOW mom. She comes to games if she can and if she can't she texts me to find out how everything is going. She loves him genuinely. I would definitely say she's a very involved SM.

Many of us ARE virtually raising the stepchildren by ourselves!

lol, maybe the **small** grouping of us SM's that are raising our stepkids have all migrated to this one site where we found others in the same position as we are and we come here for support in our quest. It doesn't mean it has to be the 'norm' in the rest of step family situations.

Being a rape victim may not be 'common' but if I go to a support group meeting for rape survivors, I guess I might meet a whole bunch of people with something in common. It doesn't mean that in such a meeting, it represents all the rape survivors out in the world. Some might not need a support group and handle if fine on their own. Some might handle it the wrong way and self medicate... but the ones that seek out a support group are likely to find more in common with each other.

"while statistically improbable"

Please show us the statistics you are quoting.

In the article that Doodle brought to our attention, 86% of children in Stepfamilies live with mom, 14, with Dad.

To stereotype a group of people for any personal reason is wrong. As a 2 time step mother I resent what I call the "Cinderella Syndrome". I DID ritually raise my 1st step daughter on my own. Any one that knows her knows that. She constantly tells me, with tears in her eyes, that she doesn't know where she would be with out me. If her biomom has a problem with that thats too bad. It is the truth. If other biomoms have a problem with it I'd like to know why. Why is it so hard to believe that there are women out there that would love a child, do what is best for the child and do it unselfishly? ......islander, I'm sorry to have taken this in a different direction than your original post.

It sounds like the church seating was just in order of seating. The SM would be seated and then slide down as the daughters sat, then the father and mother.

I was confused about one thing. Were the mother and father introduced into the reception together? That IS inappropriate. They should have been introduced separately, with the father being introduced with his wife (the OP, SM). If the bio mom doesn't have a date then often an usher or other family member (her brother, etc.) is introduced with her so she doesn't get introduced alone. Personally, I don't like introductions (seems cheesy).

Re: who pays for the dinner. It was traditional for the groom's parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. But I wouldn't say it's a rule. And you pay, you plan. The bio mom or kids don't get to pick the place, budget, etc., and then hand you a bill. If you are the host you dictate the place and budget. It sounds like you did the right thing by just giving step son some money and letting him use it as he wanted.

"We had to go to another restaurant to place a to go order as DD2 wouldn't eat anything from rehearsal dinner place."

What does that have to do with anything? Sounds like the kid is far too fussy.

In the end it is important to remember that it is your child's wedding and do your best to make it a happy day despite who is there.

My DH's parents are divorced and have been for 20+ years. To be honest I have no idea where his dad sat I think the first or second row. I am not sure we put a lot of thought into that aspect. Now one was asked to leave their spouse behind I know that. It was our day and these types of things are just awkward for divorced parents, but the point is that they are parents first and have to think about their kids and get over it.

I would have no problem, personally, with my dh walking his kid down the aisle with bm. I am sure it would not be a big deal to them either. I would also have no problem with my dh sitting next to her or myself sitting next to her. I do not think I would be happy to be split up or something, but I really doubt that would happen. IF bm wanted a dance with dh it would be a little weird and kind of funny, but okay with me. This is just my personal situation.

I feel that if we cannot put our personal issues aside for a day than we are being terribly selfish.

Also, the whole stepmom feels entitled is true. I am a stepmom which also means I am a parent. I expect to be treated like a parent and to be treated with respect. The whole stepmom vs biomom thing is just insecurity. I could never be my SSs mom because I am his sm which is also an important relationship. The two should not be compared anymore than a mom and dad are. We each have special relationships, bond, and are unique to our children in our own right.

Believer,

I dont have a problem with you loving a child. I do have to question that when EOW SMs here, like Fleurs, say they did everything a mom did, and most of the SM brigrade doesnt question that. I do question when dad or SMs money makes it possible to take over custody.

Mom1 You are not a parent of the stepchildren. Except possibly in very unusual situations. Most times there is a mom. Its not you (at least of the stepchildren you may have your own children). Its not about insecurity. Its about different roles. There is nothing inherently wrong with the SM role. My sister is a SM. She doesnt pretend to be a mom.

"I do question when dad or SMs money makes it possible to take over custody"

whatever... if you only knew... I wish we had the money to take it to court ... heck I wish we had enough money to not have to worry about giving bm cs and affording having the kids at least 90% of the time...

At the time I would have been irritated at BM grabbing on DH but then DH probably wouldnt have had anything to do with it... But, really.... I think I would have to be in agreement that a lot of it does seem very trivial in the grand scheme of things and it was over a year ago. For future weddings I would simply let DH know that that kind of touchy feely did not make you comfortable and as a husband he should take it from there.

"most SMs here claim to be virtually raising the stepchildren by themselves" oh please CLAIM... I am sure we are all making up elaborate stories just to stick it to the .... umm wait there would be no reason to do that... what silliness

Wow--so many points of view. Thanks, all for giving me some new insight into a sensitive situation. I guess alot of it depends on what your experience has been and whether you are a SM, BM, SS or SD. Your posts are most appreciated!

This made me chuckle, so out of curiosity, I read it to my SD13. She gave me a bewildered/annoyed look (used quite a bit by 13 year old girls) and said (with 13 year old exasperation) "Well of course you're not my MOM, but you're my mooommmmm. That's just stupid. Of course you're a parent. That sounds like something my MOM says when she's jealous."

JNM

In the world I live, my DD only has two or three friends whose parents are divorced. They refer to Dads wife as Dads wife, not SM. Certainly not mom. Especially when Dad is on wife number 3, and she is closer to age to her stepchildren than to her husband.

In the world I live in, even fewer kids' parents are divorced. I can think of maybe four or five friends or acquaintances of my kids (all of my six kids put together) whose parents were divorced.

Then perhaps you should leave the world you live in, KK, and visit reality for a while.

See, in reality, there are families with step kids who call their steps mom or dad. They feel that those people deserve the title. Some even feel their bio parent does not.

In reality, not every husband has cheated on their spouse one or more times and continues to find younger and younger wives.

In reality, people accept that there are millions of different situations and don't base all their beliefs or opinions from their limited exposure to two or three situations.

It's a nice place, reality. Wish you would try it out for a while. I think you would find it very eye opening.

The world I live in is reality. Its a real area in a real county.

I'ld like to suggest to you that just maybe your SD calls you mom, a parent etc. as when she is in your house she is dependent on you. Think of a mild version of Stockholm syndrome. I am not saying you are evil, but some children may have a strong sense of survivial.

The divorce rate in my state is 2.4 per thousand. The national average (in 2004) is 4.2.

you are right kkny. in jewish tradition both parents escort a bride and a groom. in many occassions both parents on both sides also stand next to a bride and a groom under the huppah (well, next to it). if DD would ever get married (so unlikely) I and X would escort her together and would stand up there together. certainly not SM. lol Grabbing and snatching sounds weird and rude, but at the same time they are parents of a bride. maybe BM felt left out and wanted to be next to her kid's father at such occassions. so what's wrong wiht them walking out the door together? Maybe BM felt emotional and wanted his support. they are the parents.

I doubt she thought about SM at the moment.

"The world I live in is reality"

It may be YOUR reality but the rest of the world does not live in a community where median house/condo value was $435,100 in 2006, 79% of the population is white, 3.7% of households are below the poverty level with only 3.1% unemployment rate. 2008 cost of living index in YOUR world: 147.8 (very high, U.S. average is 100)

In YOUR world, the percentages for marriages are:
* Never married: 26.3%
* Now married: 59.4%
* Separated: 1.2%
* Widowed: 7.9%
* Divorced: 5.3%

That is YOUR world but it doesn't necessarily relate to everyone else in other communities, especially an online community with members from all over the world. Compared to my world, you live in a sheltered world. That's fine for you but it's not relevant to compare your world to mine or anyone else's.

My world isnt quite that white, but I think home values are close. Not certain what census track you pulled. But it is my world and real, not made up. Maybe your world isnt average either.

If I remember correctly, ima lives on SIX acres. Not too many people in my area have lots bigger than half an acre. Six acres is certainly not average, even for the United States.

About 2/3 of the residents of my community are now married, higher even than the figures you quoted. Compared to my community, apparently the number of single parents/remarried parents in kkny's is fairly high.

My world isnt quite that white, but I think home values are close. Not certain what census track you pulled. But it is my world and real, not made up. Maybe your world isnt average either.

What the hell are you trying to say, KK? Strong sense of survival . . . as in call me mom or I'll make you're life a living nightmare?? My SD lives with me and I have raised her since she was 5, in case you have forgotten. I'm leaving now to go coach her cheer.
You really are in an alternate reality, aren't you?

Someday you, and our dear TOS, will realize that your small, small exposure to step families not not an expert make.

No I am saying something much more low-key. As in child realizes that adult is only one providing for him/her and may not have same acceptance as mom. child wants to please.

well, that's data from 2006-2007 (via city-data.com). Of course statistics are just that, statistics. Doesn't make them accurate.. even in your own town KKNY. (as you are saying the statistics I found are not accurate)

Of course my world isn't average. As TOS points out, I live on 6 acres. In some rural communities, that's tiny compared to large farms & ranches. In comparison to small towns, it might be huge. We all come from different walks of life and that was my entire point. When you compare YOUR world to MINE, it's comparing apples to oranges... or bananas. It's irrelevant.

I think the bottom line is that a wedding is about the bride & groom, not the parents. You have every right to demand that your ex's SO sit elsewhere or even pressure or encourage your daughter to feel the same way about her as you do. She may feel that way without your help... either by the way SO treats her or the way she senses you feel, whatever. But, it's really sad when parents are so enmeshed in their own feelings & biases that they pass that along to kids.

I noticed that the other day when I made a mistake of saying something about someone in front of my stepdaughter. There was someone visiting a relative of mine that was a bit annoying and she was leaving after staying several weeks. My stepdaughter told me (quite proudly) that she too was glad that lady is leaving. I asked her why and she said that she is SOOOOO annoying. Well, my stepdaughter met the lady one time for about half an hour and didn't have any other dealings with her. She obviously formed an opinion on the lady from whatever she picked up from me. I thought I had been good about not saying anything in front of her but the day before the lady was leaving, I made a comment to DH that she is leaving tomorrow. SD chimed in her opinion on the lady. So, no matter how well you think you behave and not say anything negative about anyone in front of her, kids pick up on everything and I'm sure your daughter knows very well how much you despise her dad's SO. (and maybe even her dad) so that does affect their relationship.

They are certainly inaccurate for the Town I live in, which has much more minorities. Perhaps your supersleuthing isnt what you think it is. My post office address happens to be a neighboring town -- just a historical anachroism. And statistics like most children in stepfamilies live with mom you choose to ignore/dispute.

So my DD might take my atitude on something to please me, but SDs who live with Dad wont?

too funny

"No I am saying something much more low-key. As in child realizes that adult is only one providing for him/her and may not have same acceptance as mom. child wants to please."

and I guess you make my point in this comment. Some children do want to please. That's why they will not like someone just because the person they want to please doesn't like that person. Too often, they want to please mom that doesn't like SM. Reminds me of the line from the movie "stepmom" where the little boy tells his mom "I'll hate her if you want me to" because he could sense his mother's feelings, even though she never 'told' him how she felt or how to feel.

And yet you cant conceed that a child who lives with SM might have same imfluence?

And movies are movies.

"but SDs who live with Dad wont?"

of course they do, that's why my SD had the attitude about the relative's house guest. SD apparently wants to please me since she hadn't been around the lady long enough to form an opinion so strong.

However, I also know that if I had an attitude toward her mom or said things about her how I feel about what her mom does, it would have an affect on her. She might hate me for it or she might decide to hate her mom for doing that to her. It's not my place to guide her feelings so I don't do that, but she does know her mom & I don't like each other. How can that be hidden? Her mom says nasty things about me. I tell SD that I don't hate her mom (and I don't, I actually feel sorry for her but don't tell that to SD), I do tell her I don't like to see SD get hurt when BM lets her down. She wants her mom's love and attention. She feels her mom has abandoned her for a man so she is going to do whatever she can to get mom's love and approval, even if it means throwing me under the bus to do it.

You may find humor in the fact that SD treats me badly but the one in pain is my SD. She is the one hurting from what her mom is doing to her. I'm a grown up and I can see why she treats me badly and I have compassion and understanding for her. She has begun to see it when she used my shoulder to cry her eyes out at the cross country meet and her mom, who promised to be at every meet, wasn't there for her. She realized that even though she's been a brat or a pain in the ass to me over the last year, when she needed to have a thorn surgically removed from her foot, I was still there to hold her hand and comfort her. Her mom didn't want to be there. She's beginning to realize that I care unconditionally and even when she's mean to me, I still love her and even if I get upset or angry over stuff that happens, eventually she may realize that I am someone she can count on all the time. She may someday choose to think of me as 'mom' but I have never asked her to and I never will. I don't expect her to and if she ever does, I would think it's sad and that her mom had more to do with it than me. I love her and do for her now, without her calling me mom. She certainly isn't going to call me mom just to please me or because she feels threatened that I won't love her or do things for her if she doesn't. That's ridiculous.

I guess I still don't get where this tangent is taking us, KK. Are you saying SD regards me as a parent because she wants to please me, or fears me if she doesn't? That is has nothing to do with how she feels for me, or the way I treat her and the things I do for her? That her attitude toward her real mother is based only on what she thinks I want her to feel, not what she herself feels, the way her mom treats her or the things she DOESN'T do?

That's pretty shallow.
And ignorant.

People can't blame the biological parent for "poisoning" their children against the stepparent, and then turn around and deny that a stepparent's (especially one married to the custodial parent) bad opinion of the NCP doesn't "poison" the child against his other parent.

I personally think that children over three or four or so are perfectly capable of forming their own opinions that may be very different from those of the adults around them. Ima's story is not really relevant, because her stepdaughter might have a very different opinion of the annoying relative if she spent more than half an hour with her - as presumably most of the children we're talking about have spent with their parents and stepparents. Until the woman turned around and stabbed her in the back, one of my kids was rather fond of her father's wife, and the fact that I and some of her siblings can't stand her was irrelevant.

Oh my god... this is the biggest bunch of nonsense I have ever heard... now the only reason our skids love us is because they are just in survival mode and want to please us or fear us or whatever.... not because our children have their own minds and come to love and cherish us just as we love and cherish them... I am literally sick right now reading this. I can not believe it has stooped this low.

so if kids live with fathers, their mothers aren't mothers anymore? i was CP but my X was still DD's father, and the only father. I don't get the logic.

I agree with TOS about kids having their own opinions. DD's brother loves his Sm, he is very much fond of her despite the fact that his mother (DD's SM1) hates her, openly talks poorly of her and brainwashes the kid. And yet he likes SM a lot.

yes, some kids might not be able to have their own opinions, but not all.

"Mom1 You are not a parent of the stepchildren. Except possibly in very unusual situations. Most times there is a mom. Its not you (at least of the stepchildren you may have your own children). Its not about insecurity. Its about different roles. There is nothing inherently wrong with the SM role. My sister is a SM. She doesnt pretend to be a mom."

I am absolutely a parent to this child. His mom does not dispute that and his father does not dispute that SD is a parent also. I did not say I was a bio parent, but a parent who teaches, cares, and guides this young person none the less. I did not say I was his mother nor do I pretend to be his mom and why would I? I am his stepmom and that works fine for me. It may be hard for you to believe, but not all stepmoms are out to get the BM and drive a wedge into their relationship with their kids. I take care of my SS when he is here. I take him to all of his sports, host sleepovers, teach him things, feed him, buy his clothes, spend time with him, entertain him, and all of the other things that any parent does. When he is at his mom's I support her and SD as does my husband. SO for you to say that a stepPARENT is not a parent is insane. I cannot even imagine the damage you must do to your poor daughter with all of this hating on SMs. You need to get a grip lady.

Here is the definition of parent as defined as a noun. Please take note of definition 1b. I found this definition on Webster online. Enjoy!

Here is Main Entry: 1par·ent
Pronunciation: \ˈper-ənt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin parent-, parens; akin to Latin parere to give birth to
Date: 15th century
1 a: one that begets or brings forth offspring b: a person who brings up and cares for another
2 a: an animal or plant that is regarded in relation to its offspring b: the material or source from which something is derived c: a group from which another arises and to which it usually remains subsidiary
the definition of parent. Please note definition

You can look at whatever definition you want. Steps, except in very unusual situations, are not parents legally and do not have same rights and obligations. Doodle posted an interesting article, that recommended being an aunt equivalent.

Yes I read that and I do not agree with that idea unless you are new and/or the child is older.

You can rebuff whatever idea I have or definition there is, but I am a parent to my kids. I am seen as a parent to all in our life including BM and SS and so I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.

Your DH asked for one thing (sit near you) that was arranged w/o problem. While I do think his Ex was to pushy to grab him etc I commend you for the gracious way you and DH handled it. Hopefully she has stopped the emails. My guess if second SS noticed much of this odd behavior from his mom, he may address it for his wedding. If he doesn't, at least you will be prepared. I can only imagine others that noticed what was happening also noticed you and DH acted with class.

I don't think the girls calling me Aunt Dana would fly. As a matter of fact I think it would be a little creepy considering I am sleeping with their father....eeeewwwww. LOL. I think the "Aunt" theory works better for non-custodials of older steps who still have an active Bio Parent in the picture.

If the step parent is custodial, the children are very young and the parent is MIA I think the children will naturally default to refering to the step as mom or dad.
Again and GOD I am BEYOND sick of saying this...IT DEPENDS ON THE SPECIFIC SITUATION.

Hi lsandler,

Welcome to this forum. I'm a stepdad and a dad, and I've been on this site for just over three months.

I think that you should just let this go and put it in the past.

However, I think that your husband should talk to his ex-wife just before the next wedding. He should make it clear to her what he is comfortable and uncomfortable with in terms of their interaction. Hopefully, that will minimize or eliminate any surprises.

Athlete

My 2 youngest were still young when DH and I married. The next year DS age about 9 or so changed his last name at school from his dad's surname to hyphenating it with DH's surname. His choice. He even called DH Dad for a while. His choice. DD called DH dad for a while before deciding to use his first name. Oldest DD who never lived with us calls DH dad, and she is 34. Her choice. DS eventually changed his name back and now at 22 calls DH by his first name. His choice.

When we were raising Step DGS, the first year he called us mom and dad. The next year it was grandma and grandpa. After that it was our first names. Again, his choice. Not right or wrong, just giving the kids the personal freedom of choice. We didn't try to take the place of any birth parents on any of the kids, but we were their primary parental figures. Or as DD#1 used to call X and I in her snotty teenage years, female parental unit and male parental unit.

And Ashley, that's what DH and I did. We took the kids and eloped with them. They loved it. And every year on our anniversary, they asked where we were taking them out to eat on "their" anniversary.

"And Ashley, that's what DH and I did. We took the kids and eloped with them. They loved it. And every year on our anniversary, they asked where we were taking them out to eat on "their" anniversary."

Awe! That's so special! Our goal is to make the kids feel like we are thinking of them. Where did you go?

Believer...I've been thinking alot about what you said about your SD's wedding (as mine is quickly approaching). Although I don' have the same circumstance as yours, we both have divorced parents with new spouses. I'm just wondering with all of those parents to already include in the invitations/programs, how in the world your SD could've possible added you to the program without offending somebody else. How would she even have worded it? I'm not saying you shouldn't have been included, given the circumstances and nature of your relationship, but how would her new SM feel about her old SM being included? How would her BM feel about it too? What would she list you as? Ex-SM? What a predicament. I know you chose NOT to be offended about it also, which is awsome and lucky for her. I was just wondering if anybody would even know how you could've been included without some wierdness.

Hi Islander,
I understand how hard it can be to let things go, and I'm sorry.

When I got married, I wanted to have both parents walk me down the aisle, but didn't because I didn't want my SM to feel uncomfortable. I picked out my mother's dress, which did match the wedding colors, but told my SM what the wedding colors/shades were so that she could match too. My BM and SM sat together in the first row. And no, they do not get along! My SM was included for pictures, and although I would have liked to have pictures of just me and my parents I decided it wouldn't be worth the hassle.

I agree with a poster above in that the wedding is about taking your vows. Everything else is just fluff. I tell my girlfriends getting married to expect things to go wrong, do not expect perfection, because all that matters at the end of the day is that you accomplished what you set out to do, marry your love. If uncle so and so gets drunk, if your bridesmaid forgets her dress,etc, none of that really matters in the long run. And you'll have a funny story to tell from it.

Why not tell it to yourself that way? Here, let me tell it, I can imagine it from sitting in the back 40! Remember when silly BM made that spectacle and took DH's hand? the look on his face was priceless! I couldn't tell if he would deck her or run like the wind! Thank goodness he keeps his cool so well!

My wedding had a lot of drama, and I wish people could have stayed as calm as you did. It can be so hard, but the good thing is that while it only lasts a day the impression you make can last a lifetime.

Silver, that is so sad, that your SM didnt realize that your relationship with your parents was seperate from her relationship with your Dad.

raek

It was hard for me but you are right. What in the world would she have been able to say? I knew she was in a difficult situation and that it didn't reflect what was in her heart. I have never mentioned it and never will.

I got my rewards at the reception. When someone would hear my name they would come up to me and say "So you are -----!! Nici has told us so much about you. She loves you so much!" That happened more times than I could count.

Being silent was the best wedding gift I could have given her. It wasn't her fault that the adults in her life had messed things up so much. Poor girl.....She is getting remarried in Nov. (3rd time) and now she is going to be a step mom. She will learn now just a little bit of what it was like for me and we have one more thing to bond over. She has been calling me and asking "Mom, how would you handle this?"