I wouldn't say anything to the children.

Keep trying to get DH to talk to them or take them to counseling.

Well he is getting to the age where friends are important. Around that age I felt as if I was "missing" something with friends when I would go visit my dads, because he lived over an hour away. I started bringing a friend with, which made me want to keep visiting. I loved my dad and stepmom and wanted to see them, but had just felt so out of the loop with friends when I was there (normal kid feelings). Maybe that is what ss is feeling? Maybe offer to allow him to bring a friend with and make plans with that childs family for him to spend the weekend with you???

Low-key, unconditional love, and dont take it personally. Let him get his head together. Keep your doors and hearts wide open. It doesnÂt have to be some formal pronouncement or high drama. You and/or DH can establish a regularly-scheduled call to him with a friendly hello, keeping it brief, light, and always with the mantra: "WeÂre here when you need us or want to come over. Love ya, kid." Keep it short and sweet, keep at it, keep any grudges, hurt feelings, resentment or demands out of the picture, and heÂll be coming around sooner or later. Maybe in weeks, maybe in months, maybe in years. Some perfectly well-adjusted, normal kids want nothing to do with parents/family throughout their entire teens and only into their late 20Âs (or even later) do they seek them out. As teens, theyÂre just dealing with their own thing, living their lives, sorting through feelings, developing opinions & identities and figuring out who they are. Divorce, puberty, parents remarriage, two different homes, sibling roles, changing schools all thrown into the mix in the few years under their belts. ItÂs a lot to figure out! At a time in most peopleÂs lives when everything is new, everythingÂs changing (and most drastically: oneself!), nothing feels stable. (Not to mention hormonal changes, which may explain some of those mood swings.) He might just be withdrawing (and maybe not just from you & DH but from several other adults as well) until things feel more stable. HeÂs probably not even conscious that heÂs "withdrawing", or even that he feels uprooted or unsure. Boys donÂt usually talk about stuff like that (boys OR men, letÂs face it) HeÂs just trying to establish what feels comfortable to him, still a boy, but figuring out what being a "man" means Sometimes this takes a while.

One more thing: unconditional love doesnÂt mean unconditional *tolerance*, i.e. of rudeness. Thus far, SS 14 is not being rude exactly, just distant. If it begins to escalate to rudeness in the form of directly hostile insults or serious violations of boundaries/rules it needs to be addressed per individual incident. Rude behavior would not have to be *tolerated*, even though SS should know that he is *loved, cared for and welcomed* no matter what. NOT ONCE should SS ever be made to feel that your doors are closed to him, even if heÂs saying NOW that heÂs not sure he wants to come over this has many possible causes and are the words of a kid who probably changes his mind like underwear (like all kids do). DH is the parent and should be there, seeing the bigger picture through his adult perspective and be ready to welcome his son for visits (not saying this isnÂt the case now, but itÂs so important that this *remains* the case). And, yes, family counseling may be in order if the situation worsens in some way. Thus far, though, nothing youÂve recounted about SS sounds unusual for a kid his age, blended family or not. YouÂve got 3 more sons behind him whoÂll probably be very similar soon enough, so this is good that youÂre getting a head-start on trying to figure out the best way of handling this kind of stuff...

Your husband (as well as many NCP's out there) do a disservice to their children when they cater to them out of fear they won't be happy, love them, visit them, etc. Kids (from intact or broken families) need structure & guidance. They need to have limitations too. IMO, part of your SS's problem is that he's a teenager and some of the things you describe are normal. There could also be other factors, feeling loyalty to one parent can cause the behavior changes you noted. Sometimes kids are coached to feel loyal, others are naturally loyal to one side. Your DH should have a talk with BM and find out what's going on in their son's life that makes him feel like not going there. She should be supportive of your DH's effort to see his sons.

As far as you saying anything, I think that if you find out the boys have a problem with you, it's up to you to resolve it with them. Otherwise, let your DH and BM work this out and just be supportive of your DH. If SS's decide to stop visiting, you and DH should remain open to seeing them and not make them feel bad about it. Your SS14 might be doing it to manipulate his father's feelings to get something, or he may be feeling like he wants to be closer to his friends on the weekends. That's not unusual for teens, but his mother should be able to clear it up for your DH.

Even top notch kids can have problems. Our high school class president that was honor roll and athlete, he was arrested for armed robbery just a few years out of high school. He was voted most likely to succeed.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of middle school cuts kids from a sports team?

And even better, what type of parent makes a comment like

"He and his brother then began playing biddy league basketball (neither are good enough to make their middle school team), "

That their child wasn't "good enough" to make a team. I dont think my child would want to spend time near an adult with an attitude like that toward her. I assume the OP didnt say anything like that to the boys, but my guess is it shows through.

When I was a kid, the world was honest. If you sucked at sports, you knew it. You didn't make the team or at PE, you were last to be picked on a team or worse, the captains would argue over who HAD to take you.

But, now we live in a world where you get on a team because you pay the enrollment fee, even if you aren't any good, they have to let you play. Everybody gets a trophy, just because they don't want anyone to be upset (ie. the kids that really don't play well) and this is all to build up their self esteem and ego's?

I guess we can keep on lying to our kids because as parents, nobody wants to hear their kid doesn't measure up or isn't good at something, but sometimes, the truth hurts. The question is, does it hurt the parents or the kids more? The kids know if they aren't good at something and they know when they are being patronized. If they aren't good at one thing, the parents should be supportive of finding the things they are good at instead of worrying that they are going to be damaged for life because they didn't play in the 'right' activities.

Well, where I grew up it was who you knew and who you were friends with to get on a team.

I don't believe the world was ever honest.

But your parents loved you no matter what, and didnt rub it in or gloat. They accepted you and didnt make a big deal. And didnt say you werent "good enough" That the boys werent on a varsity or whatever team is not relevant to this story. Their kids. We know they're not playing for the Yankees.

If the boys want to play on a less competitive team, good for them for getting up and doing it and not sitting around.

Wow this sounds soooo much like my situation. I've been married almost 3 years..been with my sweety for almost 6. He's been divorced since 8 years now and gets his kids EOW plus 2 weeks in the summer and gets them shared over the xmas holidays. THey also live almost 2 hours away..actually 1 1/2 hur out of the city so a 3 hr drive. In storms its takes him about 4 hrs. Hes never missed any CS or visits. EVent though the price of gas has sky rocketted!
The son is 10 this year and the daughter will be 13. She's hit the teen years and we are in the same boat. SHe's turned quiet and in her own world. WHich i completely understand. Her friends are her world . BUT, this spring break, seh left last night. Got home sick but i think she wanted to be with her friends.
The only thing is , is that i caught her talking to her mom, complaining that my son hits her ( her dad caught her teaching him to hit her in the face!!! so he told her off. She laughed it off . Then my son hit my SS, so she complained to her mom and then to her dad. I did this in front of the entire family, I said ' AS long as you teach my son bad behaviour, its your fault. Your dad caught you and i am going to tell you this, if my son hits you, you deserved it cause you taught him and laughed about it as well. I will not punish my son because you taught hiim bad behaviour. You do this to you own brother, your mother might tolerate backstabbing behaviour such as that , but under this roof i wont have it.
I suggest, that tyou do not involve yourself. stay out of it unless you have to speak like i said cause it involved my son but in your case let your husband deal with it. He's a teen, leave him be. Its his choice if he doesn't want to visit.
My SD left last night. I feel sorry for her. BUt she has a very jealous character and i'm happy i do not stretch myself for her in any way. Any person such as this tends to be miserable and that is what she does now. She starts conflict. ANy way she can. She went home with her mom last night. My SS was exstatic to have her out of the house.
I was in shock . HE litterly jumped for joy and his personality turned from sullen to over joyness! He says shes a bully and that she is just a nasty person. I expected it but not to such an extent.
I honestly believe when kids turn to the teen years its just alot of hormones and emotions that they have to deal with. They lash out, lie and are nasty. Best thing to do is leave them ahve their space and their friends and take it one day at a time.
Dont take it personal what your SS 14 is doing. He's a teen , he just wants his friends. If both do not want to come, leave them do that. call and let them know that you love them and keep open communication.

I think it is great that little kids have the opportunity to play even if they aren't very good. Actually, when I was growing up, there was no such thing as middle school (or junior high, as it was called then) sports teams.

Where I live, the truth is that now kids have to start playing soccer by five or six or they are at a disadvantage. There is no such thing as a local team even for 10 year olds - they have to be on a travel team.

One of my biggest issues with the way sports are run is that it is so difficult for kids to play sports if they aren't very good. It is hard to find a low pressure, fun way for kids to play soccer, or basketball, or softball. Everything is done by age, not by size or weight or developmental stage, so if you are small or not particularly coordinated, you don't get to play at all. Martial arts is one of the few sports you can join that doesn't require you to be athletically talented to participate.

No, Ima, I don't think being the last to be picked does anyone any good. I was well aware that I couldn't hit a ball if my life depended on it - and consequently, I NEVER participated in sports as a child. I excelled at avoidance - letting people go ahead of me in line to go up to bat, offering to take positions in the out field or wherever I was least likely to encounter the ball, depending on the sport. How the H*** did that do me any good?

Would you tell a child that he could never take algebra just because he didn't excel at math?

It is fine if you are severely delayed - then you participate in special olympics and similar activities. However, if you are just somewhat delayed, or even just not athletic, you have few options. My daughter was on a special needs team for awhile, but it was not appropriate for her - most of the kids had Downs or other cognitive issues, and were not at a level where they could actually play a game like she wanted to do.

TOS, Where I live, there are teams for everyone before junior high. The parents here dont like the middle school concept and we dont have one. The child doesnt have to be on a travel team. When they get to 7th grade, less choice, but then there are so many teams and activiities, it is hard for a child not to find not to find one.

Here, there is basically nothing to do if you aren't athletically talented and you are over seven or eight, except for after school sports at the middle school, which are open to all. Even when they had a level four soccer team for ten year olds, they couldn't find any other teams to play at that level, so they lost every game but one, mostly by something in the two digits to zero or one.

All this competition is horrible for kids. The working world is far more about cooperation than it is about competition, and all they get as kids is competition. It is never about their personal best. When I was in high school, we were not told what our class rank was. Even the valectorian/salutatorian didn't find out till shortly before graduation. Now every year in high school they hand out top math student, top French student, etc., and everyone can know whether they are number 26 or 27. It is not good enough to be number 2 or to get, say, 95's, in French or English - there is no acknowledgment for that. This is not sour grapes - my kids have gotten awards, and one of them routinely took top student in several subject areas, leading other parents to joke that she should just stay up on stage during the awards ceremony instead of bothering to sit down. It didn't go to her head; I think she was a bit embarrassed, but I don't think this competition was good for that child or for the others who didn't win.

TOS, I think you are right and wrong at the same time. I don't believe the world is more about cooperation than competition, though I wish it were. I think to do well in any chosen field there is competion. To buy a house there is competition. To grab the last pair of 50% off Nike's on the sale rack there is competition. I've never heard of someone in these situations taking a cooperative step back and saying "No - you can have it this time. I'll wait for another job/house/pair of shoes."
Beacause of this I think it is important that kids learn there will be competition, and how to handle it effectively. Competition can bring out the best in some - I am very competitive and will work my @ss off the best the best at anything I do. Conversely, it can bring out the worst - I get frustrated and quit if I can't be the best. I think a happy medium is healthy - enough competitive nature to care enough about something to give it your all, but the understanding that you may not be the *best* and that is absolutely fine.

My SD is a good example of the oposite of me. She doesn't seem to care about anything enough to give it more than 50% effort. There is no competitive feeling toward others, or within herself, to do well. As long as she does enough to sqeak by or complete the task at hand she is fine. The drive to get an A vs. a C on her essay is not there. This scares me - not because I want her to feel that she needs to be the best, but because I want her to care enough to push herself . . . to always try her best. Heck, right now I'd be happy with trying just a little!!

So yes, I would love to see more focus on one's personal best, but I think to achieve that in most cases there has to be some competition.

Why does it seem like every conversation here with a SM talking about stepchildren is about my stepchildren dont make any effort, dont make the team, grades are good etc.

Is it that divorce has such a detrimental effect on children?

"That their child wasn't "good enough" to make a team. I dont think my child would want to spend time near an adult with an attitude like that toward her."

What attitude? The truth? The kids didn't make the team. Either players are chosen based on talent or popularity. Either way, they didn't make the cut - they weren't good enough. Based on the OP's post and the understanding she has shown over the years with her SS, I doubt very much that she rubbed it in their faces.

Thinking back to when I was 14, I would have sooner died than be forced to go away every other weekend with my sister and parents. I wanted to be with my friends. He might feel he is missing out on things, or maybe he is just going through an obnoxious teenager period.

"The working world is far more about cooperation than it is about competition."

In what country? LOL! Maybe it depends on industry, but I have spent over 10 years in financial services and it is highly competitive. I graduated from high school in the mid-8os. There were all kinds of competition, for class rank, student of the month, honor societies, etc. DH graduated from high school in the 70s and it was no different for him. IME kids are not subjected to enough TRUE competition, with winners and losers, based on the young adults in their early 20s I have worked with. They can't handle losing (expect an award for losing, just as the losing sports teams are given awards) and constantly expect praise. Learning to accept loss and disappointment are a part of life that parents now seem to do their darndest to prevent their kids from experiencing.

maybe because it's a step family forum. This is the forum to write about issues with steps. If I have an issue with my own children (and we all do, except those that have 'perfect' children), the parent forum is where I would post about it, not here. and when there is an issue with my kids (they won't clean their room or follow the rules), I can pretty much do what I want to without worry that someone is going to call me up and jump down my throat that I have no right to tell their child anything because I'm not their parent, which is what being a step parent is like. So, when you come to a step family forum, don't you expect people to post the problems they are having with step kids? (or there are also step children that write about their problems with their step parents here too) It doesn't mean that every step parent or child thinks their step kids or parents are problematic, you are only reading about the ones that feel the need for help or advice. That's common sense.

I don't think it's so much because of divorce, I think all kids have some problems. (except those 'perfect' children) Divorce DOES have a detrimental effect on some children, but it can also have a good effect when the marriage was more detrimental to the children, that's just common sense. Having to go from living as a family to living in two houses or weekend visits with one parent, don't you think that would be hard for some kids? Grades slip, moods & behaviors change, it's bound to be an emotional thing for a lot of kids. And that is whether there is a new BF/GF or spouse in the picture.

Whether this child was on a competitive or a less competitive one was not relevant here. But SM chose to put a dig in. What was important was interaction between a teen or preteen's activities and his time with NCP. Just because something is true doesnt mean you make big deal out of it. I agree that children should understand levels of performance, and I actually think most do. I also think that kids who want to play sports but arent competive should have a good time and do it.

Yeah I am sure she put the SC in town square on a podium and yelled neener neener neener you suck you didn't make the team...

She took out an ad in the local paper proclaiming her SC were not good enough to make the team.

She posted on my space a pic of her SC and underneath wrote ... not good enough to make the team.

All she said was they weren't good enough

Some children are not good at everything no matter how much you push them ... some don't even like to play sports.

KKNY, I really don't think SM was choosing to put "a dig in" as you call it. I think she was simply explaining why they weren't on middle school team. I guess she should have simply said, "They didn't make the team," but we all still would have known why.

And to the comment on what type of parent would make such a comment, well, I guess I for one would since I just told my DD when she didn't make cheerleading, "It's okay if you just weren't good enough this time, but if it's important to you, practice and try again next year."

I would hate to have applying for college or scholarships or a first job to be the first time any child finds out about competition and the fact they they're not always going to measure up in everything. I think they need to know that there is a difference between "the best" and "their best" and that the two are not always the same thing.

Oh my,

This child was on a team. That was all that was relevant to this discussion.

Cawre,

I think it shows OPs mindset.

And it hurts me to think that children are under the superivison of SMs, who want the respect of mothers, but dont have feelings that I think are typical of mothers. If a mother was talking about a scheduling issue, I dont think she would have said, Oh yes, child is on one team, but he couldnt make the real team. IMHO.

"DSS 14 is a top-notch kid--he makes the A honor roll, is on student council and is well-liked and polite."

It sounds like OP has a reall awful impression of DSS, doesn't it?

It's like you pick through a post looking for a SM to make a mistake so you can tear them a new one over it. Do you have any real advice for the OP, other than to realize what an evil witch she is?

Sorry, OP. I only have experience being a teenager as of yet, so I have not advice for you. I just think you're unnecessarily being picked on.

I think others might see it as this is a great kid, but SM has to find an area to put him down.

Will all the "others" who think this SM just HAD "to find and area to put him down" please stand up!! I'm curious how many really feel that this was an intentional putdown on a SM's part.

Oh my,

I am certain all the SMs here are with you. No need to poll. Just remember, if you get divorced (and statistics are not in favor of second marriages), some woman is going to be talking about your honor roll child, who "couldnt make the team".

KKNY,

I didn't think you'd want to take a poll.

AND as I said, my DD already didn't make the team. SHE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH AT CHEERLEADING YET!!! Big Whoop. She's going to take more classes and try again next year. If her SM or dad's girlfriend makes mention of it, who cares? I know I don't.

And by the way, DD's last SM was a way better person than I could ever expect her dad to be, so if she had had a slip of the tongue, I certainly wouldn't have condemned her to the position of EVIL SM for it!!

KKNY - really? Out of the whole post all you take is that I don't think my SD tried hard enough because she is my STEP-daughter? I would feel just as frustrated if my sons didn't show any initiative or try their best. I have the same talks with my 6 year old as I do my 13 year old about giving everything 100%. My DS6 appears more driven than his sister, though at that age how can you tell? It has nothing to do with step/bio, Dear. Even for you that was a really far stretch.

let me guess dad's gf said something negative about precious

well first off .. for our middle schools you have to try out for the team some make it and some dont.. that is life. I think the point op was trying to make is IF it was a middle school team games would be during the week not the weekend and several of us probably would have suggested that as a possible solution to the problem with not having the boys go to dads house on the weekend... she was clarifying the situation NOT taking a dig on the kid...

I seriously seriously try to give certain people the benefit of the doubt on here but it just never fails to dissapoint. And honestly IF my daughter would ever to have a SM (which isnt possible but besides the point) I would be happier about the fact that she cares enough to ask for help on how to deal with a situation then to nitpick every sentences of her post.

I had NO IDEA that middle schools had team sports - my kids have gone to middle school in a total of four towns in two different states, and none of those schools had teams at all, much less teams that kids had to try out for. Where on earth do school systems get that kind of money? Our middle school has after school games in the gym a few times a week, part of the year, but for a fee, and no teams are involved. The only available sports for that age group are independent, town-based things like the youth soccer association - and all these sports have games, and sometimes practices, on the weekend. I can't imagine how any child who was involved in sports could cope with having EOW visitation two hours away. IMO, EOW visitation doesn't work unless the parents live about half an hour apart or less, so the kids can continue to have a life on the alternate weekends.

Several states have middle school sports teams here in the south. Football is afterall king here with baseball, soccer, and basketball running close behind. Mostly the parents here just like to go out and watch our children play sports. It's a pasttime you could say. And to answer the question about funding, taxes my dear, taxes. Our towns have their own independant teams too.

I don't understand your sentiments on EOW visitation not working if parents live more than 1/2 an hour apart. My ex-hubby lives 3 hours away, my son plays soccer,baseball, and basketball, and we make it work. It's what is best for our son. If it means that son has a game on a saturday that his father is supposed to have him, whoops, ex & SM can make up the time and have driven down here to see son play and spent the night in a hotel. It isn't the end of the world to us. If ex didn't have the money to stay in a hotel, he & SM could stay with DH and I. (There are times when having a basement apartment complete with kitchen, living area, and bathroom come in handy!)

I don't think most people would invite their exH or exW to stay with them, and many people wouldn't have the room to do so in any case. And what would they do with the SM's kids, who might also have a game that day? When my child was doing soccer, she had a game EVERY weekend.

Our taxes are plenty high enough, high school sports cost about $200 each (there is some kind of maximum); even student council or the high school newspaper costs $75 to join.

"Will all the "others" who think this SM just HAD "to find and area to put him down" please stand up!! I'm curious how many really feel that this was an intentional putdown on a SM's part."

While I agree that the phrasing could be seen either way, as either a "dig" or harmless (esp. given that it was said on this board and hopefully not to/near SS), I will say from my own experience that stepchildren can be very aware and very sensitive of these slight differences in word choices. I'm a girl, and extremely verbal, so maybe that has made me ULTRA-sensitive to these nuances in ways a teenage boy might not be. But in my experience, one knows when a dig is being made, and most of us know how to make them, too. Not saying OP intended to make the dig, and certainly wouldn't accuse her w/o knowing her of having said *those exact words* about *that exact situation* to her SS. But I would agree that unless she's careful to avoid doing so in general, there may very well be unintentional "leakage" (with unintended effects on SS) in his presence.

I think the oh-so-subtle dig is RAMPANT in stepfamily situations --perhaps THE weapon of choice-- because too often people feel they can't express their anger too obviously, for fear of somebody being ejected from the family (something that unfortunately can be a very real threat in a stepfamily, a lot more so than in an "intact" family). So they learn (especially we women, let's face it) to make our digs slight enough to disclaim responsibility for if called out. Very recent personal example: I just arrived last night to my Dad's house, to find that every gift or photo of myself that I've given him over the last several years has been stowed away out of sight (he probably hasn't even realized it yet, on account of all the chemo, pain and anxiety drugs he's taking) with the exception of one unframed snapshot of me looking like crap with no makeup, etc., lumped into a group picture with the two little neighborhood girls Dad's wife keeps foisting on as all as "god-daughters". This sort of thing, y'all, is a dig. And yet, as I also know from experience, if I were to be so stupid as to actually ask about it, I'd probably get some answer like "Oh, I just did a little bit of spring cleaning to get rid of some clutter..." "Clutter", of course, being an additional dig... (Plunge knife in heart, twist, release.)

My point isn't to argue like it's fact that OP did or din't mean to make a dig. Maybe, if anything, my point is that even if she DIDN'T mean to make a dig, the stepfamily situation can be so tense that it may get interpreted as one. And hey, who knows, maybe my Dad's wife didn't mean to remove most all trace of me from the house but actually *did* decide to do some Spring cleaning for the first time ever... ("first time ever" being my own dig... I confess!)

Does this mean we have to walk on eggshells and choose our every word very carefully at all times to avoid stepfamily conflict? Sadly, I've found the answer to be mostly "yes". But that's probably a symptomatic result of deeper unresolved problems. If the core issues can be addressed & hopefully resolved, there is more hope, and thus less over-sensitivity all around... The key, I guess, is to get at the root of things so that none of the surface stuff (casual phrasings, sports, etc.) is taken too personally.

If anyone has noticed, Molly "OP" has not returned to this forum to comment or to try to defend herself. Why would she? What does she stand to gain?

She came here for advice and what she got was a full frontal assault by the bitter ex-wife tag team better known as TOS and KKNY, who played games with semantics until they felt confident they had made a case against the OP that backs up their vengeful agenda.

And even when the OP doesn't respond to try to defend herself, the two of them continue like buzzards picking a dead carcass clean.

My bet is the two of them are super sweet to the dear ex-husbands and then they come in here and let loose on SM's like Molly who are trying to improve a situation.

Maybe your SM cleaned the house to make it nice and clean for your visit? I always do when my adult SD visits.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond and give me good advice. You pretty much confirmed that what we are doing is right--just "being there," keeping things light, not making a big deal out of this to DSS.

KKNY, you don't know me, yet you read the worst into what I said, in the meantime, ignoring all of the clearly positive aspects of it. Perhaps I should read the worst into your post to point out that you did nothing more than take an opportunity to further what appears to be your "mission" to attack the SMs here. If you really wanted to help, as a BM, you could offer some constructive advice. But if you did that, you might actually help IMPROVE a step situation, which would REALLY run counter to your "mission," now wouldn't it??

For your information, and for anyone else who is wondering, I made the point that they are not "good enough" to make their middle school team (yes, they had try-outs and DID NOT make it) to show that this "team" they are on is just a step above "pick-up basketball" in the neighborhood. It is something they do for fun and exercise, but b-ball is not a sport that either of them particularly excel at, nor is this league something that is that important to them vs. time with their father, which they need, NOW MORE THAN EVER, IMO. It would be like DH telling them he can't do visitation one weekend b/c he has a church league b-ball game. If DH has to miss visitation for work (which almost never happens, as even though DH is a lawyer and works MANY hours a week, he puts in extra hours during the week so he can take off the weekends and be with DSSs), or if DSSs have to miss for school, church or some other activity that is really important to them, that is another matter. And this is not MY original sentiment--I am actually parroting what DH says, and HE certainly is allowed to make statements w/o having bad motives ascribed, ISN"T HE, KKNY??? The point I was trying to make is, there are some activities that really "justify" missing visitation, and others do not and are an "excuse" which is a symptom of a problem. If we suddenly agree to skip visitation everytime there is something going on that one of them could possibly do, we might as well tell them to "have a nice life" as I suggested above. I probably should have mentioned that DSSs have played in this league for years and have NEVER had a problem missing Sat. games for visitation, so it seems obvious it was an "excuse" this year.

Also, they both are VERY VERY good at other things, and we support them. DSS 14's soccer team went to the state championships last year. DSS 12 has only lost a few wrestling matches IN HIS LIFE! So, when it comes to soccer and wrestling, we understand that they can't miss and work around those things.

Someone mentioned "walking on eggshells" around SKs. That is the real irony of KKNY ascribing bad motives to me. For 9 years, I have gone out of my way to try not to say anything that would be upsetting to DSSs. When they do things that I would correct my son on in a minute (like eat chocolate chip cookies, brownies, etc. dropping crumbs all over the kitchen instead of over the counter, pouring a large glass of the last milk we have in the house so that there is none for anyone else) I do not say ONE WORD. I remind myself that I am glad they like my cookies, and I'm glad their drink of choice is MILK over soda. Of course, I would think nothing of telling DS 6 not to do that or anything else. But I don't want to do anything to make them feel "picked on" at our house. So it is almost LAUGHABLE to me that someone here would say I made a "dig" at DSS 14 over not being good enough to make the middle school team.

Also, I feel badly for DH b/c he is truly one of the best dads one could imagine. Someone asked that recently on another thread. My DH is a wonderful DH and an amazing dad. When DSSs were little guys, he bathed them, dressed them, complete care. (He bathes our 2, does diaper changes, etc.) DSS 14 plays guitar and when his band played for his school recently, DH took the morning off work to be there. (4+ hours round trip for a 15 minute assembly, but again, he loved every minute of it.) He also takes DSSs INDIVIDUALLY on father-son weekends each summer. (For past 3 years, DSS 12 and he have gone to father-son wrestling camp; DSS 14 and he have been to father-son baseball camp and pro football Hall of fame.) DH loves to laugh and has a very witty sense of humor and always keeps things light.

I just read this response to DH in its entirety and he agrees with everything I've said. I think I'm going to end this with the sentiment that the fact that DH and I are on the same page and have a STRONG, HEALTHY, HAPPY marriage will get us through this. Thanks again for all who posted on this. Have a good day.

I think a lot of the stress comes from living so far away. I am not certain if there is a lot that can be done when that happens.