I think I hate my Stepdaughter

16 years ago

I'm so confused and lost and don't know where to turn...maybe I just need somebody to vent to since this is a subject I can't talk to my husband about. I have 2 boys that live with their father most of the time, a 5 year old stepdaughter that my husband has full custody of and we have a 1 year old daughter together and I am pregnant with our second. It's constantly a struggle trying to maintain a normal household when my SD is here for our 5 days. She is only 5 years old, but let me tell you, this girl can manipulate her father til she's blue in the face. It's amazing and he doesn't even see it. The problems occur usually when she comes back home from her mother's who is a bigger manipulator than her. I have had CPS called on me 3 times, eash time they dropped the case saying that it's obvious there is no abuse in the home. Even still, this is just stress that I don't need nor do I feel I should have to deal with it. She will cry when I leave the room and tell her dad that I am mean to her, even though I said not one word to her. If I discipline her, Im being mean, but yet I'm home with her 5 days a week. I'm the parent she is with the most yet I have to walk on egg shells around her so I don't upset her? That's bull! She has physically harmed my baby girl. She has tried to smother her with a pillow, she went into the laundry room and got the cleaning supplies and sprayed Clorox into her mouth when she was 4 months old. She is always trying to push or kick her when someone turns their head and I am sick of it. My husband acts like I making it a bigger deal than it is but I think the opposite. What if she hurt her so bad, she had to go to the hospital? They would probably take my baby away from me. I have thought about telling my husband either his daughter or me but I know I will lose and so will our 2 children we have together. I'm unsure what to do at this point. He doesn't see it the same way I do and I'm at my wits end.

Comments (12)

angelz921
16 years ago
You need to get out of that home! Right now, Right now, Right now! She is physically abusive to your baby what happens when the new one comes in the picture? IT will get worse because now she has two children she thinks she is competing against. This child obviously has some mental issues she needs to have dealt with, and you sure as heck don't need to be watch this child during the day when the baby and the toddler will be running around.
gardenandcats
16 years ago
I can't imagine any husband not being extremely upset by this type of very dangerous behavior! WoW I'm shocked if anyone no matter who it is ever tried to harm any of my children like this little girl has. They would not be allowed into my home. She needs help and fast. This is not normal. She sounds like she just might kill your babies if given the chance!
Your hubby needs a wake up call and now!
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josie37
16 years ago
I can understand what you are going though. I am going through a similar situation with my 10 year old. The number one priority is your daughter. Lock up all the agents that could be harmful. This is also useful for the toddler. If you have a camcorder hide it in the room and get her on tape hurting the baby. That should wake up the DB. She needs to change her attitude today. You can not do this without your DB. She is feeling extremely insecure and she is running the house. You need to take back control of your house. You need to talk with your DB and tell him how you are feeling and what needs to be done. You should work out the 'rules' together. Your DB has to lay down the law and the rules and you both have to enforce them all the time. No more hurting the baby or you can not be here anymore. How she is expected to act etc. Send her to her moms for a couple of weeks to prove the point. Has your husband had the talk with her that she will be always his special big girl etc. Most children need the reassurance that she is still special. Do they have special time just the 5 year old and the dad?

Could you reverse the custody? Just have her on weekends when your DB is home. You don't have the time right now with being pregnant and having a one year old, to also look after the 5 year old all week. If your DB will not do anything then you have no choice but to leave. I keep telling my DB about my concerns with our SS, only when I said I was going to leave then he wanted to start to do something. I guess some guys need a hit on the head to listen and he is very protective of his son even from me. But this should be the last resort. I agree with the other postings, you have to do something quickly before your daughter gets seriously hurt. Which will happen because the five year old has learned I can do what I want and nothing happens to me. I wish you all the best.
Vivian Kaufman
16 years ago
Again, there is no way I'd put my child at risk--EVER. No way, no how.

It's too bad to have to say this, but your priority is to keep your children safe and I don't honestly think that you can do that in your home as long as the older child is there. I'd be packing and going somewhere else until your husband gets it through his head that the girl needs help RIGHT NOW. I don't think that there needs to be any discussion at all and there is only one acceptable solution.
alldogslover
16 years ago
Brenk, I don't even think that your post should be "I think I hate my Stepdaughter" because your feelings towards her admirably transpire nowhere in what you write other than in the title of your post.

This is a very serious and dangerous situation. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, especially during your pregnancy (as if that and then taking care of a 1-year-old wasn't enough already!!!). Biologically "linked" or not, if one of your children is harming another one of your children, what would you do? What would you do with your husband if he weren't listening to you then? I think it's clear you would make sure everyone be safe, right?

A woman I met many years ago said that relationships are like wagons: sometimes the man pulls the wagon, other time the woman does... It sounds like you have to pull this wagon because your husband's judgement may simply be clouded by the guilt of it all... I can't tell you how many times I have had to have the same discussion over and over again with my husband, sometimes making decisions without his "consent" simply because there were pressing issues at hand.

Talk to CPS for advice; do you have a counselor or a therapist you can talk to? Anyone that little girl can work with? You are in such a delicate point of your life, the last thing you need is stress like this. Find someone by you to give you support... Personally, I am not a fan of the idea of sending the little girl away, I think that sending the wrong message (you screw up, we ship you off); but as other posters have said, I think she needs to hear a message. Also, if you see something off about the little girl, then I take it all back and I say pack and leave ASAP.... but from what you write, it doesn't sound like that.

And you know what? You may be too strict on that little girl, but for pete's sake, you are pregnant!!! You have a babe on top of that to take care of!!! It's a miracle that your fuses haven't blown completely. Not that losing your cool is OK, but it happens and you need some support. Chances are, you may be more strict than your normally would be because you have no back-up and you are doing the enforcing for 2!

What helped my husband hear what I had to say when we had "issues" is that I told him that the problem was mine and that I needed his help because I couldn't handle everything. Nothing about how I felt about the kids, nothing about how he was an absentee parent, nothing about how insane or dangerous I thought the children's behavior was (we had our interesting patches too), but all about me. I don't know, I suppose he felt as if he could "save his damsel in distress", but something clicked and he stepped up to the plate.

I don't know if it holds any value for you, but I will keep you in my prayers.
popi_gw
16 years ago
The problem here is the husband and his dismissive attitude towards his wife. If the OP says there is a problem with his child, then he should show her some respect and listen.

The parenting situation should be a adjusted to a new direction, where the parents stand united and supportive of each other when parenting the children.

Perhaps bringing children into this situation is not a wise choice.

I am sure the situation will improve WHEN the father takes an interest in his children.

All the best to you, you have a difficult problem, but try to relax and think of a logical way to improve your situation.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
She sprayed Clorox into the baby's mouth?

What's going to happen when she gets it in the baby's eyes & you aren't close at hand?

Get your baby out of there.

"Losing" this battle could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Imagine living the rest of your life with the knowledge that staying to try to hang on to a man cost your child's life.

Get out.

Get out.

Get out.

Do it now.

Do it now.

Do it now.
vistajpdf
16 years ago
This child seems damaged, in need of professional help, and I'm not so sure your DH would choose this DD given a "her or me" deal. Surely he didn't just brush off the incident w/ Clorox? I mean, some kids do have a bit of a strange curiosity, but this girl seems to be quite dangerous and there's no way I'd subject a family pet, let alone my children to her.

Take DH to a therapist, state what you've told us, and go from there. I think a competent therapist could help him see the light. I'm sure he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if anything happened to your young child or baby who's on the way. Go w/ the intentions of "better communication" and state how you feel like you have to watch your every word or SD will distort it to DH, then add that you need DH to be a UNITED front w/ you. Gradually, get into the safety issues and state that you know you must never leave an infant w/ a toddler, but that at 5 + years, you fear her "accidents" are no accidents and need help in handling them.

I'm not saying to toss her to the street, but a lot of BIG changes have to occur. First and foremost, no one needs to walk on eggshells in her own home - been doing that since my 24 y.o. SD moved in 8+mo. ago. Finally, I believe she's leaving this weekend! And, she's not awful or deliberately dangerous to our three young boys, but she still manipulates her dad and it always seems that my husband will placate her and anger me, given the choice. She's selfish to some degree, takes advantage, etc. These are things common w/ skids judging from some posters here. I can't imagine adding "homicidal" to the list. I'd run for the hills til DH gets the wake up call he needs.

All the best,
Dana
southernsummer
16 years ago
Wow. Your step-daughter is really screwed up,
but the fact that you haven't left just blows my mind.
Are you that co-dependent that you would risk the life of
a baby in order to stay with this crazy family?

Get out.

I feel way better about my problems.
desperatestepmom
16 years ago
I agree with Sylviatexas.Girl, there is know man that is worth your childs saftey.GET OUT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!
jerseystepmom
16 years ago
Your husband is irresponsible.....and your baby's life is at risk. Don't wait until your child is dead to convince him that your SD has issues. She needs therapy, but before that, he needs to get a clue and handle her.

No matter what happens to your husband or SD, I agree with everyone else-----get that baby away from that disturbed child before you need to plan a funeral during your pregnancy..........

And seriously, if your husband thinks you're making a big deal out of his own child being abused......then I would say he isn't exactly the kind of father I'd want a family with..........

I don't think I would let my baby out of my sight -- EVER -- if that stuff was going on.......how do you even sleep at night with her in another room -- that your SD could get into?!

Sorry to be harsh, but I was appalled at what is going on at your house.......! And your husband should be too.
cindy46158_yahoo_com
13 years ago
If she leaves, the father will get visitation with the womans two babies and she will not be there to protect her babies from that evil 5 yr old stepdaughter

I think I hate my Stepdaughter

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