My bf won't stop catering to his Ex-Wife!

14 years ago

So here is the story... I have been with my bf for about 5yrs already and living together for about 3yrs. He sees his 2 kids(9 and 14) every other weekend and every Thurs. He just seems to always cater to his Ex-Wife. I used to work with his Ex-Wife and she feels that even though they were already going through a rocky marriage and divorce that I was the cause of the divorce. Well here we are 5 yrs later and I am not allowed to attend any of the kids school functions or birthday parties or allowed to tell them to clean up after themselves in my own house (per her request). At the beginning I allowed it so that the kids wouldn't have a hard time. But the kids know me now, and I feel he just keeps catering to his ex's wants and needs. His oldest is graduating from HS in which there will be a big party at a banquet hall. He is paying half if not more and allowed to invite his friends and family. Shouldn't I be allowed to go? His answer was that he wants me to go BUT that her friends will be there and be putting things in her head. Really? Who cares, she needs to grow up and realize that I am a part of his life and their kids life too. Am I right?? What do I do?

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Comments (14)

kkny
14 years ago
When was this "rocky marriage and divorce" finalized? My Xs SO was involved with my during my marriage. Marriages can get rocky. Doesnt excuse any behaivor. I dont care how much my X pays for any parties for my DD, his SO, will not be welcome. And he's smart enough to know that he ever tries to bring SO, that'll be the last function that is shared, and will likely be the last function that his kid wants to come from.
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jacks_mom
14 years ago
I want to start off by saying, Please do not take this as me being rude. With that being said, you are in a tough situation, one that obviously isnt getting any better for you. You asked "shouldnt I be allowed to go", in all honesty if you have been with him for five years living together for three and have not been allowed at any other school functions or birthdays, then no. It sucks, you have had a hand in these kids lives for many years, but in all reality it's their parent's decision. If they have agreed on your not being a part of those activites and you have stuck through it, then now is probably not the best time to rock the boat, so to say. Now, as I said it's not fair. But you see the problem/problems and you know it isnt fair to you. Things do not normally "get" better, if he is allowing her to still control things in a home you share, dont look for it to stop. Sit down with him and explain that there needs to be some deeper communication between you and him, if he still continues to cater to her, then you need to reconsider your relationship with him. Good luck to you.
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Now that I have completely read the entire thread, I have one more comment. As far as mom putting things in the kids head. Maybe take a step back and look through a different set of glasses. This may not be mom's doing. He is 6. My dd was saying these things to me and to her dad at age 6 and NO one was saying them to her. She is now 11 and told me just the other day, 'I wish you and my dad could love each other'. It was completely out of the blue. We have been divorced for 6 almost 7 years and it's been quite a while since she has said anything like this. She did go further to tell me that she is grateful for my dh and for her little brother but that she just sometimes wished our family was normal. I think maybe a 6 yr old talking about mom and dad together is very normal and does not mean mom is telling him to say these things. The things you would be seeing from a 6 year old if their mom was telling them things would be actual actions and not words. He isn't going to remember to recite word for word what mom said to say to dad's new girl friend. He would be angry at you, disrespectful and he would not at all listen to what you say. And he would be distant with his dad. Those are signs of parental alienation. The child would be so pulled and would shy away from affection from dad if this were happening. Sounds like he just has a lot of memories that he wants to share. In the very beginning of my divorce. I was bitter. My ex had met one lady and they moved so fast. (they are married now). I dated here and there. My friends set me up, I met a guy through work. I even got in to a relationship that ended badly. I did feel like something was wrong with me. How did this man go on and find someone to fall in love with, to move in with, start a new life with and I was just still searching. Sure it's silly to an outsider but according to my therapist I am a very normal person with very normal feelings. What made me even bitter was the new woman was wanting to 'get to know me so that I would know who was caring for my daughter'. I didn't want to know her or what she had that I didn't. Yup, that's insecurity and again very normal. My ex was back and forth back and forth. We'd sleep together and then he would go back to her two days later. She never knew any of this but I was bitter and she pegged me as the crazy ex wife that wasn't over her man. Yup, I wasn't over my husband, my ex husband, my marriage, my divorce, my family, my broken home but he was but not really because he couldn't stay put. It was very hard and after a couple of years I met a wonderful man and I'm very happy with my life however there is still that little pang of, my daughter has two mom's. When she was born I never Invisioned that. Had I known, maybe I would have held her more or maybe I would have taken more pictures. Maybe I would have watched her sleep more because I would have known that I would miss many nights of having her in the next room. Divorce is hard on everyone and just because someone still has feelings and might seem bitter doesn't make them a bad person or crazy. I didn't want to hang out and have coffee with this new person. I didn't want her in my face. I didnt want her to answer the phone when I called because I surely was not calling to talk to her. I don't think I would have felt that bitterness at all had she just let me be and stay out of my co-parenting. She thought (maybe she thought I don't know) that I wanted to know what my daughter was doing when I wasn't around and honestly no, I didn't want to know. I was better off being blind and dumb but she thought she needed to inform me because she was just trying to let me know what kind of nice person she was. Nope I didn't want to know. And I really think had she just stepped back and stopped rubbing her new little life in my face, I could have just been blissfully ignorant and not felt bitter. I bet if you just step back and not even show yourself at all to her, that bitterness will die down. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't do pick up or drop off. Don't send emails. Just be your BF's girlfriend and the mom to your kids. Be kind to his son and love him be there for him and she will see that she didn't need to be bitter and her insecurities were unfounded. It took me a year or two to realize that I am in control of me and my relationship with my daughter is about me and me alone. I am the only one that can ruin what we have. But it does take time after a divorce to feel secure in that. I felt like a failure in many areas. But after a while I realized I am not.
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eandhl
14 years ago
Without influence from BM or BD how the graduate feel? In my opinion that is what should count. That said I doubt you could ever get an answer without the influence that has been placed on the children.
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imamommy
14 years ago
Irregardless of why the marriage ended, he has decided what he is going to do... he is not going to stand up for you. He hasn't for five years, it does not sound as if he ever will. You are wasting your time.
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sylviatexas1
14 years ago
what ima said;
throw this guy back & try for something better.

I'm sorry.
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silversword
14 years ago
"Shouldn't I be allowed to go? His answer was that he wants me to go BUT..." he's not going to invite you because it's not a priority.

If that's ok with you, all is good. If it's not, you need to tell him.
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mom2emall
14 years ago
I don't know why you allowed this to go on for 5 years!! I could see for the first year of a relationship not being around the guys kids. But after 5 years, 3 of which you lived with him and saw his kids in your home often!! I think it is enough already!!!

If this guy is serious about you he should stand up to his ex and allow you at the kids functions with him. Though if you have been together 5 years and he is not doing so and has not married you I see red flags. Sounds like you are good enough to live with and do married things with, but not good enough to bring to his kids functions.

I would sit down and have a long talk with him about where the relationship is going and let him know how much this hurts your feelings. If you are a part of his life you should also be allowed to be a part of his childrens lives. If he is not going to allow you to do so then I would honestly leave and find someone else!
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lamom
14 years ago
cipota3,

This is a matter of respect and acknowledgement. How long will you allow yourself to be treated as the Invisible Woman? After 5 years, no matter what happened you should be "allowed" to attend family functions and a graduation party is a family function.

Since you have to ask this question, it's pretty obvious where you stand with BF. Is it comfortable to you? Is he afraid of her? Afraid of his kids? Afraid of them all? Ugly questions but real.

If his ex has this much control over him and thereby your relationship you deserve better, anyone does. These challenges are really all about backbone.
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mattie_gt
14 years ago
or allowed to tell them to clean up after themselves in my own house (per her request) I tell the freakin' neighbors' kids to clean up after themselves if they make a mess when they are here! Your BF needs to grow a set, to be crass.

I'm sorry but I agree with the other posters; you need to either move on or realize that he will always have a major part of his life in which you are not included, and accept that.
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lowspark
14 years ago
I am not ... allowed to tell them to clean up after themselves in my own house (per her request)

That would have been the deal breaker for me three years ago when you moved in together. What made you suddenly decide not to put up with it anymore?

You are either an important part of your BF's life or you're not. If you are, then you are also a part of his kids' lives, and as an adult, have a right to enforce certain (reasonable) behaviors within the confines of your home. And as a part of their lives, you should be sharing in the joys and celebrations.

OTOH if, after five years, he DOESN'T feel you are important enough to include in all aspects of his life, including what may very well be the most important - his kids, then maybe it's time to re-examine the relationsip all the way around, huh?
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finedreams
14 years ago
sometimes women assume they are in serious and commited relationship while men see it a bit differently. if in 5 years you weren't allowed at family events then he sees you as a casual grilfriend, live-in friend with benefits or whatever else but certainly nothing too serious. sometimes even living together does not mean much, roommates share the house too. Move on. this relationship is going nowhere.
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stepmomofthree
14 years ago
You have to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want. If you're happy to have a casual relationship, and keep your distance from the kids and the ex, then you're better off avoiding these family events with all the messy issues. Believe me, there are many women on this board who wonder if they shouldn't have chosen that route!

If, however, you and your boyfriend want to be a family, then you need to share all the normal family occasions and the rest of the family needs to welcome you.
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sweeby
14 years ago
Sounds like he's much more afraid of upsetting her than he is of upsetting you...

If you're a kind, reasonable, low-confrontation person, it's easy to be ignored in favor of a high-maintenance drama-queen. So I'd choose a calm, quiet time, and in a very calm, kind and deadly-serious voice tell him that you've had much more than enough, and that starting now, if he disses you in favor of BioMom, there will be HE!! to pay in your home. Tell him that until now, you've made it easy for him to disrespect you, but from now on, it'll be a lot easier for him to disappoint her than you. That if he 'doormats' you again, there will be yelling, screaming, tears, breakage and men's clothing thrown out of windows and onto the front lawn, not to mention no loving, no cooking, and no free child care. Any questions?
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pinkhill
14 years ago
Wow. I dont understand the double life issues. Your good enuf to sleep with and care for the kids in private. But not good enuf to attend functions.
Course it sounds like you were involved in some dirty goings on in the end of his first marriage. His fault, you werent married to ex. But when you lay down with dogs you get fleas or treated like a dog. If you dont have kids with him, cut your losses. You are being crapped on.
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My bf won't stop catering to his Ex-Wife!

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kkny

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