Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time.

Hi Habibi, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes! Well, first I think, that his ex-wife is behaving toward you that way, because you rose with your pregnancy from being "just his girlfriend" to being "the mother of his next child". This gives you an "equal status" she could enjoy before and I believe, that's where her behaviour toward you can come from. Secondly, I do not think, you should have birthdays in your own home, but rather on neutral territory; there is no need, this person enters your home. And then at last... about your stepdaughter. Well, she is only 6. I do not think, 5 more "reserved" days at your house, a playmate (your daughter) and a hired babysitter is enough to think, you have the "right" to keep her. Let her go. If she only in that moment thought, she cannot be without Mommy, then be it. Respect the girls opinions and recognize her feelings (although they might be shortlived!). She might have regretted it the next day, that she didn't stay with your daughter... but then again... how will she learn about own decision-making and about consequenses?? To put her 101 times into a room (as someone else suggested) doesn't make her learn from own experience! Of course, after 101 times she will be obedient... but what did she really learn? Anyway... your husband shouldn't be offended or something. I think we have to just recognize the child's feelings a bit more and trust her, that she made a right decision (although it did cost you a babysitter! And although you might have had other plans for those days...). To let her make her own decisions, doesn't make her a spoiled kid! Long term that child will be more confident in his self, more determined and will eventually make "good" decisions, you will very much approve (I talk from own experience!). This child just has some issues and expressed them in a different way (whining, nail biting). She has already enough issues on her own (divorced parents, new stepmom, new stepdad or boyfriend of mom, probably issues in kindergarten/school... who knows...). Just do not make her add one more thing to that list. Hope, I could help you with a probably a bit different perspective. Conny P.s. I added an interesting link... a good read for this pregancy!

Well mommyluv, fro some reason I am taking your situation personally, maybe because of my own troubles in childhood. Anyway, I threw your situation out to a friend of mine, a practising psychologist, and luckily she is currently treating a couple in your exact position, except they have sons. She said that the only difference between you and them is that men view their sons as extensions of themselves, whereas they subconsciously view their daughters as objects of their love. Therefore, your situation is easier to treat than with sons. The root of your problems have two point of views: From your point of view, you feel that he has changed the rules on you, in other words, he came into your life nad you accepted him because he was there for the both of you. Now 5 yrs later, with both of you in love with him, he has decided to discontinue the relationship as it always was, with one of you, the weaker one. You are perfectly right to be angry about that, the wife in question couldnt even continue sleeping with her husband, she was so hurt. Now, from his point of view: He feels that he is somehow robbing his daughter by giving some of the same love to the SC, in other words he doesnÂt have enough to give. This is making him a little resentful that he must give it, therefore it is easier to avoid SC. He must practice the opposite. She suggests what she calls "practised inclusion", not a coined phrase. Using physical exercises to change the mind and therefore future actions. Your bf is asked to treat your 1st daughter the way he did before the 2nd one came along, eg. Hugs and kisses when he arrives at the house and when he leaves, for her and for you. Include sd in playtime with baby, and when baby is sleeping catch up on the games they played together before. Sd doesnÂt have to be included in baby nap time rituals because this is important bonding time between parent and child but sd must have naptime rituals of her own. She should also be included in some bath time rituals, demonstrating that every member of the household is important in their respective roles. An only child is already afraid that they may no longer be needed when the 2nd child comes along. The opposite must be demonstrated by both parents. You should both give what you are accustomed to giving her, and when you cannot, allow her to understand sharing at that time. It is working for this couple because the husband is falling in love again with the SS, remembering the way they bonded and that he actually enjoyed fathering him in the past. Fortunately, small children forget these things quickly, so she will be receptive. The lynchpin of this exercise is in your bf understanding that he is a member of the household to fill a role to all of you, not who he chooses. If he doesnÂt want to listen, or is resisting your efforts in rectifying this situation, or is stonewalling in any way, then you have to take further action to make him understand that he cannot change the rules midstream, he must listen, and he must adopt a good attitude and do the exercises required with a warm heart to the SC, with a smile in other words. Considering that i am paraphrasing, i hope this helps.

"He had split with his pregnant girlfriend to be with me" OK, when I read this I knew it was headed towards a train-wreck...lovely way to start a relationship. "He expected me to take all the roles as a mum, work, and also carry on with university at age of 19/20. " He is wrong to expect this but more importantly you were a complete fool to agree to do it. "I am now 22 and i am expecting my first born..." Well I was about to tell you "get out before it's too late...but apparently it is. I still think you'd be better off...your "man" is an abusive jerk who is taking advantage of you and has for years...and for the record, I am not a man-hating woman or anything...I am a man in my 40's who is embarrassed that so many men take this approach (i.e. try to get their GFs to take care of their kids while they do what they want to do) Run away...as far as you legally can...from this guy (remember, it is his child, he does have legal rights to it, if he wants). It might be hard in the beginning but in the long run you will probably be better off. Sorry to come off so blunt....maybe if people had over the last few years you would not be in this position....good luck.