OK. Here's my problem. Or rather, one of them. The facts are: we are a family made up of two 36 year olds, my daughter who is 7 and a half, his daughter who turned six a few days ago, and in four months' time, we are about to have a baby for the four of us. We have been together for almost five years. Last week was his daughter's birthday. His mother, sister, etc. all came to the party, as did his ex and her partner. My man and his ex have an agreement by which their daughter celebrates her birthday at her mother's house one year, and her father's the next. The problem, (from my perspective), is that the arrangement means that everyone travels to one house one year, and the other house the next. This year, as usual his whole family were there. Unfortunately, because for a long time our relationship was really stormy and troublesome, and also because his family believe that I split my partner and his ex up, they just about stop short of ignoring me. (My mother, father and step mother are the same, they don't even come to my house).
All this time, mainly because my partner never speaks badly of his ex, on the contrary he has often said what a good person she is, I had an idea of a very stable, almost perfect mother. Her boyfriend also seems perfect and they both adore my little SD. But this b'day, she managed to surprise me. I tried hard not to be hurt when his family and his ex sat around the b'day table remembering what her pregnancy was like, etc,. and how beautiful it all was when SD was born, and so on. No one even offered me a chair to sit down, and I was treated by his family as if though I was not present. Anyway, I just gritted my teeth mainly because of my daughter and SD, both of whom were having a great time and enjoying the b'day too much to care (they are almost like real sisters). Both girls are pretty cool and lovely, but my SD has one little problem, which I must admit bugs me. She has a habit of crying and screaming to get her own way, she weeps quite hysterically when she wants her own way, and it is usually about something to do with her parents, for example, the other day she wanted to stay a few more days with us, and when she rang her mother (I think her father should have made that call) she started to weep so loudly that we all thought some tragedy had struck. But she was crying because her mother reminded her that they were going to go to a carnival and so little SD (who was not even six at the time) got really confused. She often gets her father (and mother) to change plans by screaming and crying real tears. She also bites her nails a lot.
Well, this bday, when her mother said she was going, SD began to wail. She cried and her mother took her in her arms and walked around with her cuddling and cooing. She never stopped her hysterical crying and suddenly, my partner just came up and told me SD was leaving with her mother, when we had five more days with her and because in my country it is summer now, we had even bought them a pool to play in for the rest of the week, and hired a young woman who would come to look after them while we worked in the afternoons. The thing is, no one consulted with my partner, her father, and even less with me. I told him he should go and gently take his daughter and speak wit her, that her mother should pick her things up and leave calmly when she sad she was leaving. I say this because I know SD would stop crying after a while. The bÂday turned into a bloody wake. I Âm sorry to speak like that, but SDÂs doting grandmother and aunts etc. all just sat there while she screamed, as if at a funeral. All the while, my daughter just watched trying to understand what was going on. Eventually, it got really stupid, and SDÂs mother stayed a while longer, SD shut up, then collected her things, then started crying again, and this time her step father picked her up and carried her round the place. Then she tried to speak to her father, who looked really hurt and he snapped back at her and told her to leave if she wanted. She was walking round weeping and I knelt next to her to hold her and she said she was sad because her father snapped at her,. I was trying to tell her that daddies sometimes get angry but they still love, when her mother came and snatched her physically from my touch. Well, the thing is, they left and took her. My daughter, who adores my partner and really gets on with my SD, was and is still upset at the abrupt exit. She told him he should be firmer with her. And sheÂs only seven. SD just called tonight and her father (my partner) was really cold to her. All these days he has hardly mentioned her, when most of the time he adores her. He really clams up. I asked him if he was still hurt and he said yes. I told him that really she is not at fault and that he and BM should get their act together and said that he shouldnÂt do that to her. I answered the phone and felt that she was nervous. I feel sad and annoyed that he would rather lay all the blame on his six year old child rather than shoulder some of the responsibility himself and let BM have some too. I also think BM is too much. During the bÂday she kept trying to boss me round, telling me what was wrong with the birthday etc, ÂThe chocolate biscuits are melting under the sunÂ, ÂPut sun block on the girlsÂÂ etc. I just ignored her because we hardly speak to each other anyway and for the first time, really for the first time, I detected something similar to jealousy or anger from her, and also because I was embarrassed at being treated badly by all the women (partnerÂs family and ex) who turned up. They had a very exclusive club.
One last thing. I can identify with SD because my father was similar to partner and would give me the cold shoulder when annoyed. He is even doing it today, because I am pregnant with a man he hates (disproportionately) he no longer calls me and when I see him (so that my daughter sees him) he is very cold to me. This has always been very hard for me and I have always craved a more unconditional love from him. I want my partner to see that he could damage his SD, even more so now that we are about to have a baby and she lives with her mother and she need his support. But he is so cold and closed up when it comes to deep feelings. He is very loving to both girls, he really does care about his own daughter, but I find him so cold and find it hard to understand his tactic, which is to clam up and not mention things that hurt him.
I would be very interested in hearing your opinions. Thanks for the patience!
stacey446
lazy_gardens
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