Don't cut off all contact with your children, always remember them at their birthdays with a phone call and a card with $5-$10 dollars in it. Just concentrate on getting your own head together. It is now time for you, so even if you have to deal with the kids, you can do it in a calm rational manner. Like stated above, try going to a house of worship, take craft classes, yoga classes or something through your park district to occupy your time. You don't say if you have a job, if you don't, get one, at least a part time job, to get out of the house. That way you will have a little spending money to buy some new clothes. Don't let anyone talk you out of it either. Good luck! You can do it.

Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time.

Thanks everyone, it is nice to see others see it as I do. That makes me feel so much better, lol. Yes, my husband has heard the remark regarding not being able to love other children as much as the first. And, he made sure to let our little know he loves her very much. He was more concerned being sure she knew he loved her than putting SD in her place. As for her comment about needing someone to pay her bills, my husband did tell her right then and there, everyone would be fine if that was the case. And, told her that isn't how life works. I feel for him because as he said as a parent he wants to be able to say it will be ok, and it will. And, it hurts him to hear her so sad. But, like I have reminded him, she made these choices, and she has to learn how to stand on her own, and own up to the choices she has made. I am holding my ground that she can't move in here, or move into the other house. I know we will never get her out if that happens. And, I refuse to allow her to use our GS any further as a weapon. I honestly feel that is why she had him. Her Dad was finally making strides in holding his ground with her. She wasn't getting her way, and having her son made it where he wouldn't allow his GS to go without. So in turn it was her new way in, using GS to get what she wanted. I do my best to keep our daughter away from her. I do not allow her to take her anywhere. I don't even like her alone in a room with her. I just wish I could figure out how to handle her need to make everyone unhappy. Because truly that is the only time she is happy. She plays this wounded little bird game, to get what she wants. She has been doing this since her parents divorced. And, after many years has almost perfected it, sorry to say. Her relationship with her BM is horrible. And, SD has made it that way to ensure she keeps daddy wrapped around her finger. Her BM may not be the best parent out there, but from what I have seen tries. She had SD (pregnant)and her then BF, (now husband) move in with them for a few months. She gave then downpayment on a house. Paid to have all kinds of work done to make it nicer before they moved on. And, what she got was a daughter that cut her off, wouldn't even phone her when her GS was born. We called her. Then she let her in to help out and buy things she wanted that we didn't get her. Then let the house get foreclosed on and cut her off from her GS. The relationship with her BM and SD's behavior there would turn your stomach. Honestly if I was this woman I would have nothing to do with her. The fact that she tries tells me she isn't that bad at all. Again Thanks! Knowing people that have no emotional investment in this and can give a clear opinion means a lot.

"But back to money, if money is just money, then the SMs can give it up." Yes, so can the ex wife/husband, kids and all other relatives. As a child, if my dad passes before my stepmom, she will have to be taken care of until she dies. That may very well use up whatever my dad leaves because nobody knows how long she will continue to live. Her children are upset that she lasted long enough for her medical care to use up whatever she came into the marriage with. Her care costs more than her disability income she gets so... no inheritance for her kids. They aren't willing to accept that, they had to take it to court to hear a Judge tell them that there isn't anything left. Personally, the Judge should have told them that they can take over their mom's care and have her income. Oh wait, they were given that option and refused. They actually wanted to see if they were entitled to half of everything my dad has since it's 'community property'. Well, they aren't entitled to jack because my dad is alive and so is their mom. Impatient little buggers. My dad has worked hard for everything he has and if it ends up going to provide care for his wife because that's what is important to him, then he has my blessing. He's taught me what it means to do the right thing and he's taught me to be strong and make my own way in the world. All of his children have fairly successful lives and none of us 'expect' a thing. It's HIS money to do with as HE pleases and if he leaves it to his dog, that's also his business.