Sounds like you have a mixed-up spoiled brat of a SD who can't decide whether she wants to be a grown up or Daddy's little girl. And a people-pleasing guilt-tripped Dad who won't stand up to his daughter and say either "I can't" or (even better) "I won't".

"She has made many statements that all she needed was someone to pay her bills and she would be fine."

Yeah. Right. Me too! But life doesn't work that way. Not for me. Not for you. And not for her either. Someone needs to state that plainly for her. That she has a baby to take care of and a husband and marriage to take care of. And adult responsibilities -- just like you. That you and Dad are raising young children -- just like she is.

I'd have a sit-down with your husband and try to lay down some ground rules. Keep it calm -- even though you must feel like screaming. Ask him what he thinks is fair and appropriate, and if you can life with that, agree to it and insist that he limit your contributions to exactly that. No more.

Of course you can't have her living there. Not with what she's saying to your little one -- unbelieveable! (I'm assuming you've told your husband and he doesn't believe it?) If she's in desparate need, graciously offer your living room couch. But NOT your kids' rooms, or she'll try to stay... And for goodness' sake, DON'T give her the other house because you know exactly what will happen.

Doesn't sound to me like you're the problem at all.

wow, I'd like someone to give me their house too LOL yeah right...dream away...she needs to grow up and work on her marriage not acting like daddy's little girl. of course it is fine to help if she needs help, it is what parents do, but dad must set up boundaries. no you are not a problem here, dad and Sd are.

Smack your husband.

Once he's been smacked, tell him (looking him straight in the eye & intoning it so he'll know you're serious because men tend to believe actions & not words) that if he, her father, won't protect his daughter, you will.

Tell him that *nobody* gets to beat up on your kid, physically, emotionally, verbally, no way, & this grown heifer better shut the heck up & back the heck off or you'll take decisive-momma steps & he better not get in your way.

& just in case he can't bring himself to believe it & he doesn't put a stop to it, be ready to respond quickly the next time an "incident" seems imminent.

I wish you the best.

Yep, what everyone else said.

I about fell off my chair when I read She has made many statements that all she needed was someone to pay her bills and she would be fine.

Well HELLO...so would everyone else on the planet! I can't believe she actually said that! Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and put a stop to this nonsense. Especially the things she is saying to a SIX YEAR OLD!!!!

She can't live with you. Period. And, you are not giving her a house. Period. Talk this over with your husband calmly and firmly.

If this woman is saying mean things to your 6 year old then keep her away and tell her why.

Stand your ground. It's your home, she's grown. Also, I'm sure she would prefer her baby to spend time with family, that's true for many people. But, many people, in fact most, have to send their babies to daycare unless they have money for nannies. You work, you have two kids, a husband and a life. Babysitting sometimes is one thing, day care is something else.

The BM of my adult skids took in her son, SS his gf and their then one year old. Long story short, SS and GF never worked, did not contribute to the household, BM had to work overtime to keep them all going and their promise of finding an apartment in 6 months never materialized. Plus she was pressured to babysit whenever she wasn't working although they didn't work! She carried them all for about 2 1/2 years until she went and got herself another place on her own making them fend for themselves. There is more to that story but she has said many times that she wished she never let SS and his baby move in with her.

It's not you. Don't do it.

No, just no. It will never ever end. Trust me.
-Cat

Thanks everyone, it is nice to see others see it as I do. That makes me feel so much better, lol.

Yes, my husband has heard the remark regarding not being able to love other children as much as the first. And, he made sure to let our little know he loves her very much. He was more concerned being sure she knew he loved her than putting SD in her place.

As for her comment about needing someone to pay her bills, my husband did tell her right then and there, everyone would be fine if that was the case. And, told her that isn't how life works.

I feel for him because as he said as a parent he wants to be able to say it will be ok, and it will. And, it hurts him to hear her so sad. But, like I have reminded him, she made these choices, and she has to learn how to stand on her own, and own up to the choices she has made.

I am holding my ground that she can't move in here, or move into the other house. I know we will never get her out if that happens. And, I refuse to allow her to use our GS any further as a weapon. I honestly feel that is why she had him.

Her Dad was finally making strides in holding his ground with her. She wasn't getting her way, and having her son made it where he wouldn't allow his GS to go without. So in turn it was her new way in, using GS to get what she wanted.

I do my best to keep our daughter away from her. I do not allow her to take her anywhere. I don't even like her alone in a room with her.

I just wish I could figure out how to handle her need to make everyone unhappy. Because truly that is the only time she is happy. She plays this wounded little bird game, to get what she wants. She has been doing this since her parents divorced. And, after many years has almost perfected it, sorry to say.

Her relationship with her BM is horrible. And, SD has made it that way to ensure she keeps daddy wrapped around her finger. Her BM may not be the best parent out there, but from what I have seen tries. She had SD (pregnant)and her then BF, (now husband) move in with them for a few months. She gave then downpayment on a house. Paid to have all kinds of work done to make it nicer before they moved on. And, what she got was a daughter that cut her off, wouldn't even phone her when her GS was born. We called her. Then she let her in to help out and buy things she wanted that we didn't get her. Then let the house get foreclosed on and cut her off from her GS.

The relationship with her BM and SD's behavior there would turn your stomach. Honestly if I was this woman I would have nothing to do with her. The fact that she tries tells me she isn't that bad at all.

Again Thanks! Knowing people that have no emotional investment in this and can give a clear opinion means a lot.

No, just no. It will never ever end. Trust me.
-Cat