Need advice on accepting step-daughter
I know I'm going to sound selfish, mean, and/or rude for what I'm about to post, but I don't know what else to do anymore.
I'm having trouble accepting my step-daughter now-a-days, and I'm not all sure as to why. I just have so many different reasoning in my head. It never used to be this way either, her father and I have been together practically her whole life. She was 8 months when I got together with him, and she's 4 now. When him and I first got together, I gave plenty of space so I didn't move so quickly into their lives. I didn't act like she was my child, I never made her dad feel like he needed to choose who to give his time to.
Her mom was 15 when she had her, and she used to hate me. She was always worried that I was going to try to be a mom to her daughter, even though I clearly made it show I wasn't, and she tried making my and my fiances relationship very hard by telling lies to get us to break up, and just being plain rude and disrespectful all the time. We still have issues, but not nearly as bad as they were because I learned to ignore her behavior instead of feed into it. But it's got to the point to where I'm starting to resent the daughter because she looks, and acts, just like her mom. Naturally. I try so hard to remember that it's not her fault, but it's hard.
The reason why it's hard is because on top of looking, and acting just like her mom, she doesn't listen to me all that well. I have a child with her father, my son is 2, and he listens better than his 4 year old sister does. She acts out, and deliberately disobeys people. She'll argue with me if I tell her not to do something, and she wants to do it, and she'll go behind my back and do it anyways. She knows better, and I know she knows better because she will tell me that whatever she did that was bad, is bad. I know kids will be kids, but I don't want my son seeing what she does, and doing it too thinking it's okay.
I spank her, and I put her in the corner when she's being bad. I also get after my son for the same things, so that way it's even. I don't believe in treating a child differently from another, so I try very hard to keep it equal. But lately, she's been bullying her brother. I've found 4 bite marks on him in one day, she'll do something and blame it on him so he gets in trouble. So lately I haven't been punishing my son for anything she says he did/does unless I see it with my own eyes.
I'm never over hard on her. I don't take pride in disciplining her, and I don't look for things to yell at her for. But I don't like her being around, and I resent having to watch her while her dad is working.
We only get her every other weekend because of her being in pre-school/daycare, and my fiance works schedule. That's more than enough for me to handle. Because every time she's here, she does what I had described, and then her dad and I are constantly at each other's throats because he doesn't feel like I'm being "nice to her." So her acting out hasn't only put stress on me, but it puts stress on my relationship with the father of my child as well...
He's called me "evil" in front of her, made her think I can't discipline her, and made her think that "daddy will save me" if I get after her for something. When I do watch her, there are days she's really good for me, and we will be just fine. But as soon as her dad comes home she turns into this whiny, crying over everything kid, and honestly it's very irritating to hear it because most of it comes from me asking her *nicely*, I may add, not to do something, or to do something. It kind of comes out like an 'I'm out to get her' sort of feel. Like as if I've been mean to her all day or something. For example; the other day my fiance was in the bathroom, and I asked her nicely to not jump in the apartment (we live on the 3rd floor and it was 9pm, so I was trying to not only be courteous to our neighbors, but to also get her settled down to bed), and she completely ignored me. I asked her again, and no response was given. So I went up, and swatted her on the butt to get her attention, and told her to not jump. She starts hysterically crying as if I just beat the crap out of her, and cries for daddy. So of course here comes my fiance questioning me as if I did something wrong. So, yeah generally I got really upset about it. So then we start arguing. And she'll make comments like "you need to go to your grandma's" or "you need to leave" at me. So it just makes me even more angry at her.
But that's just some of the stuff she does. Not nearly all of it. And mind you, she's 4, and acting like this. It worries me that it'll just get worse. So I talked to my fiance about how I refuse to watch her anymore, so now he only gets to see her 6 days out of the month. Part of me feels guilty, but then the other part of me feels relieved that I don't have to deal with her. When she's not around, my fiance and I don't fight at all. We're in good moods, and get along great. But as soon as she comes around, we are always fighting. Always.
Another thing that bothers me, is that my fiances friends and family act like his daughter is so amazing, and they put her on a pedestal, but yet act like my son was just a mistake. Hardly anyone knows about him because he's never talked about by anyone. No one comments on his pictures, expressing how adorable he is and all that. Only his sisters do they do that. And maybe I'm wrong for this, but it irritates me greatly, and on top of everything else, makes me wish my fiances daughter was never born. I hate to say that too, because I've known her for so long.
I have all these emotions, and feelings that I can't discuss with anyone else because they don't understand. No one I know has had to be a step-parent to a child so young, and maybe I am just being evil and jealous. But I can't take it anymore. I need advice so badly on what to do.
I've thought about, and told my fiance that I wanted to break up because of his daughter, because that's how much stress she puts on me. I'm not one to give up either, especially not 4 years. He's been cracking down on her attitude the past couple of times we've had her since I told him that. He tries seeing my side of the situation before jumping to the conclusion that I'm being "evil" to her, and instead of defending her when I do punishing, he ignores her cries. But it doesn't seem to be working. And I can't get rid of the bad feelings I have toward her, no matter how hard I try.