Becky,
When people get together to enjoy themselves, they don't want to be hearing about troubles. So you want to have an enjoyable holiday, as does everyone else. If you can keep the step busy having some fun, maybe she'll be able to keep her mind off herself. Of course, if the fun for everyone else is conversation, there you go.

I'm going to agree with your daughter when she suggested that therapy might help.

It sounds like the step is angry. When someone is angry, they will have one complaint after another. It isn't that they are angry about just one thing (or they could be and don't know it); they are angry about lots of things. They may find fault with every swinging thing all day, every day. Of course, that isn't true with everyone.

The step daughter may need to have some help in sorting out her feelings. A therapist could help her with that. It might help her with some of her decisions. After all, some of her complaints come from things that don't work out because of her miscalculations. She might learn what role she plays in what happens to her, her experiences, etc.

People get energy from anger, or to put it another way -- the blood gets flowing. Some people will get "off" on being angry, or to put it another way -- will get a high. Some people enjoy getting other people annoyed or upset. The list goes on.

Most, not all, people I have known that liked to complain, yell, and get upset had very lousy lives that they created with or without the help of others. Those very people stayed that way and the people around them suffered.

One day when the two of you are alone, (absolutely not around another person!) and she starts to dump on you, do not ignore her and do not change the subject. Tell her that you are tired of hearing about 'that' (it has to be a particular -- specific) problem and you want to know what she is going to do about 'that' problem. When she starts to rant about something that happened, tell her--you know what? You are yelling at me, and I didn't do anything to you. Please calm down and talk to me; don't yell at me.

Sometime you might research the subject of anger. It would help you a great deal.

Thank you for the food for thought - I guess I never really thought she was angry because she doesn't really sound angry when she's talking. And maybe that's what I find so bizarre: it's as if during the course of a normal conversation she starts in without any warning (and usually there's no relevance to whatever the topic is), and with no change of tone of voice and usually with a smile still on her face.

You are absolutely correct when you say her life is of her own making, and to be honest, I'm not sure what her real beef is. She has a well paying job, a nice boyfriend, and a decent place to live. Her dad and I live about 1/2 hour away and see her a couple times a month. We moved here a couple of years ago, and she followed with the stated intention of attending a 4 year university which is about an hour away. She had been accepted for the fall semester this year, but then failed all her classes the semester before so was ultimately told she would have to reapply. Now she's got the opportunity to transfer in the Spring semester, but is saying she doesn't know if she wants to do that, she wants to live closer to campus, it's too far to commute, one reason after another why she can't do what she said she wanted to do. She consistently makes impulsive decisions that aren't well thought out, then doesn't seem to realize that she had the choice to make a different decision. When she's complaining, it's always somebody elses fault that she's unhappy or upset. Even when she failed her classes she blamed it on her bad roommates, but never did seem to get that she could have chosen different roommates, or at least checked out the ones she ended up with a little more thoroughly.

I feel like we've been as supportive as anybody could reasonably expect: we've had her living with us off and on over the last 3 years, and we give her financial assistance as long as she's working towards her degree. DH and I are in agreement that she won't be living with us again - it's just too much drama in the house.

Anyway, thanks for listening and responding - you really did give me a different perspective and I think I will try to suggest to her that she gets some counseling the next time she starts in when we're alone. And as far as Christmas goes, we're going to do something different this year: since it will just be the 4 of us, we're going for a bike ride on the beach, then out for Thai food. I told DH that we need to do something to try to deflect all that negativity, and hopefully this will be novel enough to do just that.

Happy Holidays -

Becky

I would imagine that she has no idea how she sounds to those around her. I imagine that she is just sharing her thoughts, feelings, and just talking about her life. When things do not turn out as she had hoped, she is disappointed and discouraged, and verbalizes what is going on with her. I imagine that she is utterly unaware of how she sounds to those around her, and is unaware of it negative impact on the feelings and emotions of those around her.

How many of us as adults call our own parents and complain about school, a job and some jerk in the office making our lives miserable? Or call our parents and tell them how hard parenting is, or what a tough time a child is having with mean kids at school. Isn't is something many, many people do with their "parents" or a sibling or close friend?

As a step parent, I think you are feeling this through different filters than her birth parent might. I think you are seeing it through the filter like a friend (who is annoyed and growing weary of the friendship) would or a co-worker would. With less patience than a parent who indulges their adult children by listening to their problems endlessly.

I really appreciate your post, and the follow-up because I think that it is a eye opener in what we can sound like to those around us as we "share". Thank you.