HELP! Need advice regarding Adult Step Son.
ssmith4425
14 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (10)
kkny
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agosweeby
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Need help--parents of adult(?) son living at home
Comments (18)I have experienced some of this with my middle child. Your case has similarities, but somehow we skirted the nearly complete mess you have. First of all, he is depressed. That may need treatment from experts and possibly some medication. Second, he is very shy. That may mean he likes the cocoon of same old, same old routine and surroundings and being in a band where he feels he "belongs" has "friends" in his fellow musicians and some band followers providing him his only social security. Third, he evaluates and analyzes life from an EMOTIONAL standpoint, not a logical one. Fourth, change is scarey, especially to him. I like the old quote, "Change is an ocean voyage, in a leaky boat with a mutinous crew." Also, he is terribly afraid and so avoids change. He has no training to do anything, so options aren't really open to him. Fifth, he has not hit his rock bottom, so he sees no need to change what he is doing. He does not get that if you keep doing what you have always done you will have the outcome you always have had. Everyone has their own rock bottom when they finally realize they must change, that this is not working for them. You are an enabler, and I fully appreciate your concerns as a parent. But you are holding him just above that rock bottom, so he will not experience the desperation to motivate him to make changes. That said, maybe I should tell you something of our experiences. Our son was the cool dude, surfer, liked break dancing as a kid. He is bright but did not believe he was, and finally he discovered the guitar, my idea to talk him into it and give him lessons. I could shoot myself. He did not want to go to college. He informed us that he wanted to go only to the Guitar College of America, where his teacher had gone. We insisted he pick an area of interest, pick a college, and earn a bachelor's degree. His music and surf friends were underachievers and without goals for the most part other than to become millionairs by surfing or strumming. A couple came from familys with a successful business that the kid would inherit, but would have to learn by working in it first. No goals. He headed off to our community college, graduated with honors, with the idea of getting into film school (we live in southern California). He graduated from the university magna cum laude, and during these college years became quite shy but very nice too. The girlfriend got him interested in reading, and now he devours books. He is now in the film business of assistant editing tv commercials. He continues to have a band, is the main motivator of the other members, and dreams of being successful musically. It has never happened. Now he finally is dating a delightful girl, invests and saves from his paychecks while living modestly, is a wonderful son, has a delightful sense of humor, and has earned our respect. One area we had suggested to both of our sons who are interested in music was to get a business degree and work in the business end of music. There is a real need for talent there, but neither wanted to do it. But maybe that kind of thinking may help your son. He cannot drift professionally or socially. And by the way, living at home really limits their social contacts. Home is a good alternative when things are tough, but the sooner they can manage on their own, the happier they will be. If you could get him the diagnosis and treatment he needs, support him while he earns a degree, then he may well fly the nest quite successfully--for him. Lastly, creative kids really do march to their own drummer. As a non-creative parent and one who operates from a logical basis only, unlike her sons, I struggled with this. I hope the family analysis helps. Don't give up. There has to be an answer. And tell your son that it takes courage to face the world, to make changes, to leave the comfortable circle of what he has always done, but you are proud of him and you are here to help him do so. Let us know how you are progressing....See MoreHelp & Advice Needed with Adult Stepchild
Comments (11)Kathleen. I know how you feel and how you think your bf must be so ignorant not to see your point and how hurt your are by his attitude and his son's attitude. My DH's children once invited their father for an outing and not a word was said of me joining them. I was hurt! Really hurt! I had never done that to them. I always made sur if their father went out with one, i would go with the other. Otherwise, we always did things all together. When the stepdaughter got older, she invited her father to go to a movie with her. Dear Husband saw nothing wrong with being invited alone. I thought, when she'll come and get her father, she will realize by my behaviour that i am hurt. IWell, to make a long story short, they finally never went out. However, the whole situation did bother me alot so i know how you feel towards your bf and his son. Today, if it had to happen again, i wouldn't care. I understand that DH's children might want to be alone with their father and that it has nothing to do with me. It's not with the children that i need to maintain a relationship, it's with hubby. So, although i know how upset you are with bf right now, perhaps it would be a good idea not to pack so quickly. Put yourself in his situation. It seems like divorced father's live with an indescribable amount of ''guiltiness towards their children'' and because they will do anything in the world not to rock the boat with them, they will act like your bf is acting now. You have been with this man for eight years. You have invested a lot of time in this relationship. Do you really, really, want to give all this energy you have devoted to this relationship, because your bf's son is ignorant towards you? Let him be! Ignore him. Disengage. Be good to yourself. Don't let him ruin your life. Keep posting....See MoreI need to talk about my adult step-daughter
Comments (5)Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom....See MoreWhat to do about wife and adult step-son
Comments (6)Robert, My husband has a similar situation with his adult son, SS29 soon to be 30 and his ex-wife. Cutting money off to your wife might be pretty hard with big fall-out for you. But, cutting your stepson off is another matter. Although you work out of the country you can say something like "when I come home I don't want SS there." I have a relative who did that with his brother-in-law and it worked. That puts them both on notice that the situation is unacceptable to you. You are out of the country so there is really not a lot you can do other than watch how much money you send. After 13 years, she should know how you feel. My adult SS29 sounds a lot like your SS. I am lucky that mine has always fallen back on his mother instead of on his father that I am married to. Still JUST SAY NO! It works....See Moredotz_gw
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agossmith4425
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agowrychoice1
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agossmith4425
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomom23step23
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
14 years agolast modified: 9 years ago
Related Stories
DECORATING GUIDES10 Design Tips Learned From the Worst Advice Ever
If these Houzzers’ tales don’t bolster the courage of your design convictions, nothing will
Full StoryLIFEGet the Family to Pitch In: A Mom’s Advice on Chores
Foster teamwork and a sense of ownership about housekeeping to lighten your load and even boost togetherness
Full StoryHEALTHY HOMEHow to Childproof Your Home: Expert Advice
Safety strategies, Part 1: Get the lowdown from the pros on which areas of the home need locks, lids, gates and more
Full StoryKIDS’ SPACES13 Steps to a Kid-Friendly Garden Adults Will Love Too
These fun design ideas can turn your outdoor space into an attractive children’s play zone
Full StorySTANDARD MEASUREMENTSKey Measurements to Help You Design Your Home
Architect Steven Randel has taken the measure of each room of the house and its contents. You’ll find everything here
Full StoryTASTEMAKERSBook to Know: Design Advice in Greg Natale’s ‘The Tailored Interior’
The interior designer shares the 9 steps he uses to create cohesive, pleasing rooms
Full StoryKITCHEN DESIGNKey Measurements to Help You Design Your Kitchen
Get the ideal kitchen setup by understanding spatial relationships, building dimensions and work zones
Full StoryREMODELING GUIDESContractor Tips: Advice for Laundry Room Design
Thinking ahead when installing or moving a washer and dryer can prevent frustration and damage down the road
Full StoryBATHROOM DESIGNDreaming of a Spa Tub at Home? Read This Pro Advice First
Before you float away on visions of jets and bubbles and the steamiest water around, consider these very real spa tub issues
Full StorySponsored
More Discussions
thermometer