Tishcia,
Your story reminds me of a title of a book, "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" Start thinking of your step-mother as a person with wants and needs, interests, fears, etc. She is a real person--not just somebody meant to fit some role you've decided for her. You have expectations that do not fit her description You say she is cold and indifferent. Is she just that way with you and your family, or is she that way with others too.

You may never know or understand why she has always treated you coldly and with indifference. Maybe someday she will be able to confide in you. Perhaps she perceives something about you that she doesn't like. That's ok, isn't it? I read you as a very insincere person. Maybe you are different than you seem. Don't set your step-daughter up to get hurt feelings. Gifts and visits don't always mean much when your heart isn't in it. Right?

I am the stepmother of an 'adult' stepdaughter, but I think that adult stepdaughter may be an oxymoron. She is peaches and cream as long as things are going her way; turns vicious when Isuggest that she needs to grow up. I am her Number One Advocate and the President of her Fan Club, but I tire of her childlike behavior. I brought no children of my own into this marriage and her mother had been dead for over five years when I even met her father, so little baggage. I am growing VERY tired of her and am about ready to transfer my time and energy and love and finances to someone more appreciative. How would you react? Thanks.

mtnnancy,
Are you some kind of commodity?

You and your stepmother EACH have a difficult situation! I wonder how old you were when your father married your stepmother. It could be (if you were a teen, for example) that you said/did things to your stepmom during that period that wounded her so deeply that she withdrew from you. Or, it could just be that she has "buyer's remorse" about her decision to marry your father (baggage gets much heavier the longer you carry it!) and is taking out her frustrations on you. Hard to tell without a closer look at the situation.

I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise.

She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from.

Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love.

Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs.

All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you.

My mother, Sandra Lee Helbig Von Alt is not my real mother. She has threatened everyone in the family who will help me. She called me today and left a message on my friend's cell phone stating that she will hurt anyone that tries to help me. She threatened to find some way to arrest my husband, and told me to stay out of her life forever! She has even threatened to divorce my father if he continues to claim me as his daughter!
This does not sound like a mother who I was born by. I now believe that this woman is not my real mother. I believe that there is a secret in the family about me that this woman is trying to hide forever. She has been this way about me for quite a while and is now threatening every one with violence if my name is even mentioned in the family.
Is there any way I can find out why this woman hates me so much? Is there a way I can find out what happened in the past to make her this way? Where would I find records of my real mother?

tishcia, maybe your stepmother is experiencing caregiver burnout. Even if there is a caregiver there during the day, and your dad works with her at night, I would wager that your stepmother is involved too -- emotionally if not more. It's hard to have a disabled child - step or natural - who requires such attention. She may come across as cold to you because she's drained. Think about that - she was married to your dad for 8 years when your mother died and I am guessing there may have been an illness period leading up to that. Right away that situation throws her into an odd position particularly as your sister's care became your dad's and her responsibility. She may be frightened by the changes - which she may not have foreseen (not wisely but perhaps humanly). And she may just be a lousy human being. As you are a kind and loving person, perhaps by giving her household an occasional break from your sister's constant care needs will allow her to see you for who you are - a kind and loving daughter, sister and mother. If she doesn't get it then, it is her issue and all you need to do is be civil for your dad's and sister's sake.

Real mothers can be just as bad, by the way. See Vonalt above. I had one of those too and she was my blood parent. It has more to do with character than blood, trust me.