My stepson used to do the same. I was so fed up with it all. Me and my husband tried to do everything we could, nothing seemed to work. Until I decided to give my stepson a taste of his own medecine. To be sure that what I had in mind was the right thing, I talk to a friene who is also a psychologist. He thought that the idea was great and quite simple. This is as simple as that, every time my stepson would throw a tantrum, cry for no reason, or because things were not going his way, I would simply do as he did: sit down on the floor and pretend to cry as loud as he was. Should have seen his face the first time he did it ! I had to do that every time he would cry for about a week ( probably less). And it worked. SS thought that it was OK for him to that, but he did not appreciate it once bit when I returned him the favor .
Well of course it makes a lot of noise and you have to take time with the child to explain why you are doing it. And believe me, when I did this it got to my SS nerves. He understood pretty quickly. My husband thought I was nuts at first, but the results were truly amazing. WE had very few tantrum crying since then ( once or twice) and I dealt with it in the same manner I described to you. You may think that this is a little silly, even crazy, but it worked for me.

Congrats on your baby-to-be. I'm new here and thought I'd take time out to respond to your post. My previous marriage which produced my daughter was to a fellow who had two wonderful boys. The worst thing about our divorce was losing my stepsons. While married to their father, we lived in a different state and I experienced similar situations when Zach and Josh would visit. At first, I resented the crying, whining, and acting out because I wanted so much to be their friend, etc. However, since my parents divorced and father remarried, I tried to put myself in the children's position.
The behavior you mention is very typical of a child whose life has been turned inside-out by her parent's separation. Daddy is no longer with Mommy, and he now lives far-away. Your little boy is close to her age. He gets to live with her Daddy and sees him all the time. Add to this the fact that daddy will soon have another baby... It's pretty easy to understand why this little girl is so frustrating and demanding of her dad's attention for the brief amounts of time she has, if that is the case. A daughter's sense of self-esteem is greatly influenced by her relationship with her father. Daddy's not only with you, he's also paying attention to another child, and not her. There's a good chance she's feeling abandoned and these are issues that need to be addressed. It's not unusual for the child to demand all the attention of the non-custodial parent. This, especially if there's a same-age child in the home. (I still feel like I have to compete for my father with my step-mother's kids. However, these aren't her issues as much as his.) She's "lost" her dad, and your son got him from her point of view. Children think in these terms.

As for your issues with your step-daughter, have you considered possibly seeking counseling to resolve these? I say this because you're feelings toward his child will not only effect your relationship with her, but could possibly taint the one you have with the father. I understand the resentment issues (my ex's child support was only paid because I wrote the check out every month), but these are really your issues and not this little one's. She didn't ask to be placed in this situation and cannot possibly be responsible for her emotions and actions at four. However, we as adults know better and are entirely accountable for ours.

If you love your husband you will have to accept his daughter as he did with your son or it will never work. Dont foget she is only 4, My step was awful at 5&6, he got mad if his Dad slept near me yet at the same time he would hug me himself. He loved me but didnt want to loose his Dad expecially since at the time he had just started seeing him every other weekend for the first time in over a year. Now he calls Friday night when he goes to bed early our bonding night and laughs. He used to want his Dad to sleep with him every night, he couldnt hug me so I started to get mad infront of him, boy did it hurt when a 5 year old says why dont you want me here I love you. So instead his Dad and I made new rules and he had many talks with his son that we will be together and there is room for us both. He got pretty good before he was 7 and now is 8 and never any troubles. Give her time, she is young and If she has a mom anything like my steps mom she has lots of bad influence to not be nice to you.

I can't understand why or how a grown woman can say she hates a four year old child. Please listen to what some of the other posters said, the poor kid is feeling lost, alone and very unwanted, she needs help,not hate.

Maybe you might want to consider getting some counseling to better understand what this little girl is feeling.

Good luck to all of you.

I don't hate the child herself, I hate the way she behaves and acts. She can get out of control with the demanding. My husband agrees that she wines to much, but takes it.

My husband's mother makes it worse on us.For example, this child has clothes that the tags have not even been torn off of yet and his mother, when she has her, is always saying she needs clothes and shoes. Or one of her teeth are loose and his mother say she needs to go to the dentist to have it pulled. (Don't get me wrong, but I thought teeth fall out by themselves. My son's do.)Plus she has a mother, it is not all the dad's responsibility to do everything. When he talks to his daughter on the phone see tell him she wants him to send her money, she wants a pony or a barbie or etc. A 4 year demanding money, that not right. I can't say it is her mother, because the only time he talks to her is when his mother had her. He has tried to explain to her once that she wasn't the only baby and couldn't have everything. She started crying and screaming telling him yes she was. Something isn't right and that is what makes me hate her, persay.

It is bad when our family had to do without just because my step-child wants something or everybody else gets ignored because she demands the attention.

My husband and I agrue about his daughter, because it is okay for her to do it, but not my son or the baby-to-be.

I don't understand why you and your husband would be arguing over this- since you live so far away and hardly see her he has no control over how she acts. Since he is not raising her, I don't see how he would have any say in her behavior at all. If he had a more active roll in her life, then he would be able to have an influence on her behavior, but I doubt that the few times he gets to see her that he wants to spend that time getting her to act properly. He probably just wants to enjoy what little time he gets with his daughter.
I don't even see anything you have described about her behavior as being really outrageous. I'm sure she is hurt and confused that her father has moved so far away from her, and now has a new family that she is not really a part of. She is 4 years old, you are the adult. Since you hardly ever see her, why is this such a problem for you? Your husband has seen fit to accept your child, who lives with you, but you cannot accept his child who lives so far away? I just don't understand it.

I don't think everyone is understanding me corectly. We just recently moved far away from her. My husband and I lived in the same town with her for a long time and we would see her on the weekends and sometimes a week at a time.

When I say outrageous, I mean she crys for hours over it and gets louder and louder until finally she folds her arms up and stomps away. She hits my son and starts crying because he plays with her toys or even if he is playing with his own. We caught her once hit him and then start screaming bloody murder, when we stepped into the room she told us my son hit her. We seen the whole thing, her dad just said that's not nice and walked off.

I understand she is only four and I am an adult, but I have tried and tried. I one point I was having to keep my son confined to certain areas when she was at our house, which was totaly unfair to him. My husband can't share with her things about the new baby, because it upsets her.

All I have to go by is how my son reacts to the same situation with his bio-father. My son does not act like that at all and never has, so I do not know how to handle her behavior. He has had a worse ordeal with his father and my seperation than she has so I can't say it is what she has gone through with her parents seperation.

From what my husband tells me, is that she has always been that way and he excepted it then. He says it was because he did not love her mother, but stayed with her because of his daughter and that his daughter was really all he had.

Do whatever it takes to get this poor little girl into counseling, she desperately needs help and the sooner its started, the better her chances of making some kind of recovery.

It is a good thing that your husband does not have custody. You are under the illusion that all children act the same. You said yourself you compare her behavior to your son's. They are not the same person and are not in te same situation. You did say you hate this child. You are being very childish. She is still a baby. She doesn't understand what is happening but you expect her to have the mentality of an adult. You expect more from her than you should. Get yourself into counseling. You need to get over your resentment of this child. I also think you have bad feelings toward his mother because she wants the best for this child.

I totally understand your frustration, I went through the same ordeal.

She has extreme Jealousy... in her mind that is HER father. Not your sons. And the tantrums seem to always work.. so she will continue them. (like when you and your son left from swimming... she got to be alone with Dad) In my opinion, all of you should have left together. If she doesnt want to have fun, so be it. But I found it odd that you dont seem to interact with her. Would she have let you play with her in the water the way dad was with your son?

An important note though.... Dad should always make it a point to spend *some* time with her alone. Have family time, and dad time. Out of a weekend, he could give her a couple of hours to go to the park, or out for lunch, just the two of them. IT would be even more beneficial if you could do this with her as well. Just you and her... but not at this point, she is not ready for that, and I dont think you are either with her behavior as it is.

She definitely needs counseling. She's vindictive and cruel towards your son. But its because she doesnt know how to express her feelings or "fix" the situation.

House rules are important. Everyone gets treated fairly. Regardless! She should not get priveleges your son doesnt and vice versa.
And punishments should all be the same. If anyone hits anyone, it means timeout for X amount of minutes and then an apology to the one who was hit. At our house, after timeout and the apology, one of the adults would talk to the child about their actions, ask them why and what they were feeling, how they thought the other child felt when he/she hit them... ask her if she has ever been hit. How did it make her feel?

Does she react the same way with you? (cries if he pays attention to you?) And does she interact with you at all? (playing, talking, laughing, etc.)

In my opinion, it all comes down to one thing... she doesnt want to share her daddy.

A responce to Nicole_in_nc's questions:

I tried to play with her while we were swimming with a water toy that as I understood was her favorite, she would throw the toy out of the water and start crying telling her daddy to come there. I gave up after a while of that.

He did spend time with her just him and her, but as soon as they would get back it would be the same thing. There have been times when I have tried to interact with her, but she would tell me to go get her daddy or she don't like me. The last time I tried to interact with her was after my husband told her we were having a baby. She acted interested at first wanting to know where he was and how big he was. My husband made the mistake and was hugging on me in front of her and she hit me in the stomach. My husband decided then that we shouldn't be around each other much until after the baby was born.

Punishments aren't the same. She get's told that is not nice and my son if he even try's to throw a tantrum gets put in time-out, by my husband at that.

She reacts the same way toward me if m husband gives me any kind of attention when she is around. On the weekends we had her I could not even sleep in the same bed with my husband. We would put her to bed and she would come in the room in the middle of the night crying telling her daddy that she didn't want me in there. So I would sleep on the couch. She interacts with me if her daddy is not paying me any attention at all, but hr interaction is "I'm daddy's little terd" or "I'm daddy's princess" or "I'm daddy's baby". Like she has to remind me of that fact, I do have to say that one day I had had enough of the daddy's baby stuff and I told her that she wasn't daddy's baby any more, that she had to be daddy's big girl because he had a little baby on the way. Needless to say that caused a tantrum.

As far as his mother wanting to give her the best, I can understand that. I want the same for my children, but here is the problem. She gets everything that she wants when she wants it, but the new baby has not recieved anything at all. His mother says that my step-daughter needs it more. At one point there was a time we did without just so she could have what she wanted, but not anymore.

Tell daddy she needs to have her butt whipped and put in time out for awhile...Kids act like you let them... I was in the same sitution as you except the son did not live that far away. That kid was a terror at home with mom and with grandma...When he came to our house you would not believe the change...People often said he was the best behaved kid they have ever seen. Know how we got him to that point?? When he was screaming he was told to go into the other room close the door until he was done ...screaming will not get you what you want here!!! The screaming stopped and this kid is a gem!!! (when he is with us anyway!!!) Good luck

Granny is reinforcing this behavior. It is not HER place to play advocate for the child call your husband to tell him what his daughter needs & lay a guilt trip on him. It's her mother's place (I'm assuming the natural mother has custody, correct?) to contact him if her child support isn't covering expenses.

You better get into marriage counseling QUICK, my dear & your husband needs to get into some sort of counseling to deal with his guilt & cut the apron strings from his mother.

Good Luck.

AMEN to what teeweeone said! Right, pay $100 a week to get this poor little BRAT into counseling because she doesn't get her way? No wonder this society is as screwed up as it is. So many people rely on counselors to fix the messes that we create. DO NOT let her get away with that type of behavior because it'll only get worse. Kids know what's expected of them, and in knowing that, their behavior can change, for better or worse! I can sympathize with the problem, but do count your blessings every day that this kid lives so far from you. Your husband needs to get past his ex's guilt trips, do what he can for his daughter, see her when he can, and pay his support, but if you need to stay home for those visits, then stay home. You've all got your work cut out for you.

Spellbinding, I hate to be blunt but you need to grow up. You're only 24 but when you married this man you surely knew he had a child. I agree with kikibrando that this child is hurt and jealous and wanting her daddy.

Why is her daddy living 3,000 miles away from her? Would you move 3,000 miles away from your child and feel happy about it? Why do you expect your husband to feel that way?

The first thing you need to do is figure out a way that you can move back to where your step-daughter lives so she can have a real relationship with her father.

It's great you have tried to interact with her, but when she refuses to accept you, your pouting and feeling sorry for yourself is no better than her tantrums. Be mature, shrug your shoulders at her rejections and try again. She may never accept you, but life is not always fair. In fact it's a real bummer sometimes, but it's those who try to do what's right for others instead of thinking of how they've been unfairly treated who get the love and respect of others--not to mention self-respect.

You're not the baby anymore. You're a wife and the mother of two, soon to be three, kids. Start acting like it. Your needs and wants no longer come first--you're going to have to sacrifice at least some of them for the good of your husband and your children. It won't always feel good. You won't always be happy. But in the end, you'll know you're doing the right thing--and that's a kind of satisfaction that's truly meaningful in its own right. That's true happiness, without guilt.

MOM of 4 Boys : Awesome answer!!! Agree completely!!!

Ditto here, great answer Mom4boys. I can't add anything else to your answer. I have an uneasy feeling about a 24 year old woman who hates a 4 year old child. The child obviously feels this hatred.

I cant get over the fact that this child runs the household. She doesnt want the daddy and his *wife* to sleep together... so they dont? You actually go to the couch? and she's allowed to hit people? and to avoid her hitting you, he refuses to show affection to his wife in front of her? Good lord.

I think hatred is extreme. But I agree that I would be frustrated with the situation, classifying her behavior as downright obnoxious. BUT she is only 4. If she is permitted to continue this behavior... without any resolutions or counselling.... can you imagine what she will be like at 8 or even 14? The thought alone frightens me.

I agree the child has major issues. And desperately needs counselling. Even family counselling. But you need to stand your ground, which you will never be able to do as long as you and your husband are not on the same page. He pacifies her every whim out of his guilt. You need to find a solution to each issue. It isnt just one issue... the child. Theres many more issues...

Your hatred for his daughter could easily destroy your relationship with your husband... your husbands reactions to his daughters outlandish behavior pushes you away emotionally, your son is treated unfairly, not to mention the physical violence this 4 year old girl displays...

Divorce is very difficult on children. It is common for them to resent the stepparent, and even stepsiblings. But for her to physically abuse anyone should never be acceptable!! And I would never let a 4 year old run my household to the extent of sleeping arrangements and the hinderance of love and affection.

Am I the only one that finds this absurd!?!?

I agree that this is totally absurd! How can anyone allow a child to dictate what goes on in your house?

I also have a SD who displayed this same sort of behavior. She demanded 100% of my husband's attention and has even made herself throw up to get it should he have the audacity to hug someone other than her little precious self.

I agree that this child needs help and understanding, but DO NOT let her run your household! Your husband needs to stand firm and lovingly discipline her -- give her bounds and limits -- which does NOT include dictating where you or your husband sleep. She needs to know that he loves you and her both, that there is room in his heart for both of you. She is ruling the roost and doing a fine job of it. Why should she change? It's working, isn't it? Help her to stop this now before she begins to believe that the entire world owes her and should bow to her every command. Your husband and his mother are doing a great disservice to this child by catering to her so completely. Wouldn't you agree that by you and your husband having a good relationship and displaying healthy affection for each other you are setting a good example for your kids? You love each other, why should you avoid each other when she is around? Silly, silly, silly!

She sounds like my SD was -- a spoiled BRAT who thought she was the center of everyone's universe. A real princess. These kids need to learn that they are part of a larger picture, and learn to show caring and compassion for others around them. Hitting a younger sibling (or step-sibling) is not acceptable.

Set up house rules -- and these should apply to ALL kids in the house, whether they live there full time or not. Have a clear consequence for unacceptable behavior, and stick with it!

Good luck to you -- I have been married to my hubby for 4 years and they have been the hardest years of my life. Natural childbirth was a party compared to being a stepmom. But ... I would do it again.

In response to "nicole in nc"

Boy oh boy.I can tell you what she'll be like!!!!The same!!Been there,done that.Started w/my Dh when SS was 4/5.Now he's 10,been through counseling and still the same.It came close to breaking up our marriage.I started packing my stuff(we have 22mos old son together).We now only have SS every other weekend.
When I saw the poster say she "hated".I thought,"Boy she is brave."But I totally understand.I don't feel I hate my SS.But I can't stand it when he is here.I make sure he is not left alone with my son.Many people say,"Oh the kids have been through so much.'Well let me tell you.This childs parents have never been together during his lifetime so he hasn't been through divorce.He is just a spoiled rotten rude coniving brat.Strong words?You betcha.Everyone has spent his life making excuses for him-in school for two years in a row he was getting rotten reports-oh he had mean teachers,acting up-whatever reason was handy.Guess who called around and found a counselor?ME-the evil stepmom.Did it do any good?NOPE.When we sat down with his mother to speak about her behavior she suggested we spank him.We don't hit in our family.(this was 3 years ago).I've watched his grammie smack him too.Well one day my husband called SS mom to "speak" to her about something she had done and she says,"Well (SS name here) said you hit him."NOW my Dh sat SS down asked if he had said that.SS said "YES".He admitted he lied and DH made him call his mom and apologise to her(ya duh he should have punished him and made him apologise to him but...that's DH).So DH then goes on to tell him how serious it is to lie about things like that.That was the day I started disliking my SS.He always treated my DH like dirt and got away with it.NOT ANYMORE!!!! Phew....okay I'm sure I have more to say but ...
I TOO DISLKIE MY STEP.Doesn't make me a bad person:)

I hate to see people condemning "spellbinding" for her feelings about her sd. The child obviously is acting out and needs boundries to be set. But spellbinding should not be told she needs to "grow up" because she can't stand the child's behavior - who could? Just because you fall in love with a man does not mean you fall in love with his children, or vice versa. Yes, we all need to be grown-ups and control our actions. But isn't this forum about helping each other out? Understanding feelings? Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Sounds like spellbinding is doing her best in a bad situation.

-Daughter of Don_na_na
I think Sandrine's method is a good idea, I also think it would be a good idea to talk to your husband and arrange some alone time between you and your step daughter, I know she gets on your nerves, I AM a step daughter and all my step mother did was punish me when I didn't do anything, she would punish me for what my step bro did and stuff. She was mean to me. But I think that if you set down with her and talk to her, play games with her while your husband is not around, take her somewhere after a while of alone time at home, she may get used to you. Also you need to let her know that you are not leaving, let her think she is not bothering you. She is doing this only for attention. When she doesn't get it she might stop. So try Sandrine's idea and let her know your there to stay. When she throws things don't let it get to you and when she makes noice make more noice.I know I'm only 16 and might not be the kind of person you would take advice from but I do understand, and I think it will work.

Hi I know exactly the way you feel, im 28 with a 5 year old son from another marriage, and my new husband has a daughter shes 4 too, and I cant stand her around me at all, and his mother says the same things like "she cries when you dont come see her" just trying to cause trouble for us, i hate that, and he also wants to have a baby together, and i dont know what to do, i just wont all of them to leave us alone and let us start our own family together.i dont wont to ever see them again it would not hurt my feelings at all. hes even said he dont fell like her dad anyway, his ex cheated on him all the time, i dont think shes even his personally, but even if she is, i dont wont her around me at all.

Mandy ... will never happen. You chose a man with children and they will come first. You will never be "left alone". What a childish, selfish attitude. So tired of reading this adolescent view of how Cinderella wants it rather than accepting the situation that she chose and learning how to resolve issues and make the best of the situation. You have what you picked out and it will never change ... only gets worse after marriage - so unless you want to spend the next 15 years poosting here crying about what could have been had he never had children - either find someone without the baggage or do some maturing quickly. Read ALL the posts here. Some very mature, giving, responsible parenting happening here by men and women that would have greatly preferred that the person they love not have the baggage but are big enough to accept the situation and make the best of it for the person that they love. Love alone is not enough to carry you through. You need a lot of maturity and the ability to do a great deal of self sacrifice or the days of your marriage are numbered. Your home life will be affected, your finances will be affected, any children you have together will be affected and your marriage will be affected by his former life. You must not only accept this, but accept it with open arms.

At the age of 4 it is normal to test boundaries, regardless if the home is broken or not. Children need to be told firmly and calmly what is acceptable and not. If you feel at your wits end because of a tantrum, then perhaps a cold shower would be in order - but spanking or hitting is really not an answer. After her cool down a discussion should take place, and you as the adult must help her to understand why certain behavior is not acceptable. She will respect you more if you give clear reasons, for example: 'It hurts Timmy when you hit him. Would you enjoy it if he or I hit you?' instead of: 'I am the boss so you have to listen to me' - here you have no chance of building a relationship other than one filled with resentment, and she will act out more.

Children who come from a broken home have a multitude of feelings to cope with, and very little life experience to help them cope. They need attention, understanding, and your time - baking cookies, cleaning house together, playing in the park - anything! They need love and a stable environment with rules, with fun, with boundaries, with silliness.

Why in the world did you marry a man with a child if you weren't going to accept her? Did you think she would just go away? Wicked stepmother isn't just a stereotype.

Blueheron - I don't usually respond to another poster on threads, but in your case I'm making an exception. Are you a stepmom or daughter? If not you have no idea what it is like. Name calling is not being helpful. It's being immature.
Now back to the original post-
My step son was like that also, at age four. But, he was like this to his custodial biomom. When my DH and I heard what was going on ather house we were dumbfounded! Yes, he has his moments at our home, but nothing out of the realm of "normal" behavior for his age. She set up an appointment for counseling and wanted him on meds! Thank goodness we went to the appt. The problem? She didn't know how to set and enforce boundries. (She wanted to be the kids best friend, not parent) Children need structure. They need to know what is expected of them. If you do this, this is what will happen. (for both good and bad behavior) Set limits and enforce them.
Also, try to understand where your husband is coming from. Does he feel guilty for not being in her life 24/7? Probably. The last sentence of your original post was pretty enlightening. Reread it. I suspect Daddy gave her all his attention when he was there, and now she doesn't want to share it, she's jealous. To a lesser degree, this happened with my steps. When they saw their dad hugging me, they always tried to get inbetween us. So we let them and had "family hugs". It was a way to show them that even though their dad loves me, he also loves them. Their is enough love to go around. It also showed them, that I cared for them. Now they see us hug and they roll their eyes. (Gee, I really miss the family hugs! *G*)
Good luck and take it one day at a time.

spellbinding-
One of you has to run the house the way she wants it to run, and right now it's the SD who appears to be in charge. You let a child order you out of your HUSBANDS BED! You left the pool, removing a well-behaving boy, because the SD was throwing a tantrum?

Why does she throw tantrums? Because they get her what she wants. What will make her stop? When the consequences of the tantrums are not as rewarding, even dull and boring.

First, you and her dad explain the new rules, rules that will apply to everyone ... you find whining, crying, shrieking and complaining unpleasant. She has the right to continue the behavior, but NOT AROUND YOU, and not in public where it annoys other people. You will not listen to it any more. The new way to get things is to ask quietly, and say please.
Designate a room as the official tantrum room and remove any fragile expensive stuff. Leave stuffed toys and things she can fling, because she's really going to go ballistic if you do this.

When she goes into full tantrum mode, the closest adult should pick her up, silently, and put her in the time-out room, say "when you are ready to act civilized, you can come out" and close the door. If she emerges still ranting, put her back in there and quietly repeat "when you are ready to act civilized, you can come out".

If she chooses to have a tantrum in public, one adult, preferably you so she doesn't have the reinforcement of getting time alone with a silent dad , removes her from the public area, takes her to an isolated spot (even a manager's office - just ask) and says "when you are ready to act civilized, we can go back to the _____". Or just take her home if it can be done without depriving the boy of anything.

she'll redouble her tantrums for the first stage ... just keep puting her in there, say "when you are ready to act civilized, you can come out" and close the door. This is a battle of wills and you have her outnumbered. But if you cave in, she'll know she can rule the house.

Lazygardens, I love it! That's exactly what I did with my older kids when they were small. Only, I'd tell them "when you can act HUMAN again, you can come out of your room". I even packed up the kids and left a restaurant years ago because they were acting up. I told them if they couldn't behave, we'd go home and eat peanut butter. They didn't believe me ... hee hee ... but that's exactly what happened. We ate peanut butter. And from then on they knew Mom was serious.

You can't let kids run the roost. It doesn't take them long to realize the success of their temper tantrums, and then they don't stop until you MAKE it stop by no longer giving in.

Yeah all this would be good and dandy excet for the fact that the child lives 3000 miles away. Why didnt you try to work with her when she lived close instead of waiting until you have no chance? Now she is forced to not only share her dad but give him up for the majority of the time. Wouldn't you be jealous too? She wants her dad to be her dad when he is around. The fact that you are mad that she wants to spend time with her dad and hating her because of it is wrong and at least you see that.

A brat is a brat regardless of where she lives..Lazygardens and mom 2 4 gave great advice...

Being jealous and wanting Dad's attention is normal, but a far cry from this woman not being able to sleep in her own bed because this child doesn't want SM sleeping with "Dad". Giving in to a whim like that is sheer lunacy and is guaranteed to create a monster-brat child. Yes, this girl needs time with Dad, but bowing to this kid's every wish and whim is a path to disaster, for sure. I think she needs some serious love and TLC, but also a BIG dose of discipline and time-outs.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Why should we allow our kids to run all over us and make their own rules just because they're "children of divorce" ... what a cop-out! Divorce is no excuse whatsoever for not disciplining them or giving them positive direction. It just irks me when you hear about a spoiled brat like this one and some people can only say "she needs time with her Dad, oh poor thing ... give her what she wants" ... HOGWASH! I believe that kids quickly learn to play the manipulation game and all too many guilt-ridden parents buy into it.

This is to RosieL............. If youre not in the same situation, and going through what I am. then you dont need to be giving me advice on anything!!!!

Mandy28,

Sometimes Rosie can come across a bit harsh, but her post did make sense. First marriage, second marriage or third, marriage is compromise. And you don't always get your way. But if you truly love someone, you accept them for who they are. In this case your husband is a dad to a child you don't like. And as you know when you have children you make a lot of sacrifices. So when you marry someone with children, the sacrifices double.
Lets say that you're successful in making everybody leave you guys alone. You're successful in keeping your husband away from his daughter for the next 15 years. Do you really think things will be better. My ex maried his mistress 2 months after our divorce. She liked to pretend that he had no life before her. So he pretended he didn't have 2 little boys anymore. He began raising his mistresses daughter as his own. Today my boys are 19 and 21. Now the ex wants to be the 19 year olds pal. Haha. He hasn't seen the kid in nearly 9 years! I never had to bad mouth my ex to the kids, his behaviour said it all. They know what an a$$ he is.
Read some articles about how growing up with out a father affects kids lives. You'll be amazed and I bet you'd think twice before you let your emotions run your life and you through this little girl away.
Good luck to you and your family.

lol...from now on instead of calling my mom for advice I will call rosel she know everything

Spellbinding has received a lot of criticism for "hating" this 4 year old girl. She has taken the first step in rectifying this problem. She is being honest with herself. I have read a lot of posts of stepmothers who absolutley hate their stepchildren. Can they control the way they feel? Can you control who you love and who you do not? No, you can no more control the love in your heart than you can control the sun rising and setting.

What spellbinding needs is a way to cope with the situation. The 4 year old girl obviously needs help whether this comes from a counselor or better yet from the understanding of her parents and stepparents. I think spellbinding needs to find a happy medium between understanding her true feelings for SD and contributing to a positive home environment for her.

Spellbinding hang in there. The situation will improve with time. Even if you do hate SD, do not ever let her know that. Fake liking her if you have to, but it isn't fair for any child to be the object of hatred.

However, do not be ashamed of the way you feel. That is you. You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't.

tlescak thanks for your advice. I found it very helpful in my own situation.

I also want to thank you for that comment tlescak. If spellbinding were truly an evil stepmother, she wouldn't care that she hated that child. An evil person would make sure that her sd knew she wasn't wanted, and wouldn't be posting on a website and asking for help and advice.
I'm in a similar situation as spellbinding. When I first starting dating my boyfriend, I had no problem with him having a kid. I never wanted to be the kid's mother, but I really wanted to become his friend. I don't know if that will be possible now. If I knew then what I know now, I don't think I would have allowed myself to fall in love.
My boyfriend could not be more supportive about this because he sees how hard I try, but I'm so overwhelmed with guilt and fear that his kid will grow up feeling abandoned, or that our marriage will fall apart because of this.
Both the stepparents and kids in these situations need help, not judgements passed on them.

spellbinding:
please read the book by Judith Wallerstein called "Legacy of Divorce". She tracked families for 25 years and saw the long lasting impact divorces can create on children. Divorce impacts children throughout their lives culminating in their middle ages. The "children need to get over it" attitude has been responsible for many children not being given enough healing time to recover sufficiently.

This child lives 3000 miles away from her dad. she not only resents you as the cause of separation but probably doesnt understand why YOUR son gets to live with her dad 24 hrs a day. Frankly, I..an adult..dont understand that either as many others in this forum. How do you expect a 4yesr old to yndertsnad? Her feelings of resentment are compunded doubly and is going to get worse when the new baby comes.

I feel very sorry for this child.

Oh my God...with the exception of a few sane people out there, I am absolutely shocked at this Woman's feelings toward this little girl, as well as the selfish people who agree with her. I got on here looking for advice for my 6 year old SS who has some issues with back-talking and innappropriate behavior (a legitimate concern considering that the behavior has been brought up in parent/teacher conferences). I have to say I got all the help I need. My eight year old son and 6 year old SS hit each other sometimes, my wife and I do not condone it and punish accordingly, but we in no way think either one of them is bad, they are KIDS! They do stuff like that. I think the issue is deeply emotional and complex. First off, like all of us, we are predisposed to look after our own offspring, which tends to create conflict in our step-families, but, that is what seperates humans from the animal kingdom, we have the ability to observe the situation, understand why we feel like we do and handle the situation based off of morals and values and what is best for the children that we have agreed to HELP raise.
In my opinion that is what the issue is here, mom doesn't want this little girl taking resources from her, her child and their new baby.

Secondly, maybe the girl does need to be set straight, get her butt whipped, shown she is loved and the situation explained. Maybe, Dad needs to live closer, and maybe, just maybe this child should be treated as part of your new family instead of the little monster who is trying to mess the whole thing up.

I got news for ya honey, your little boy is no angel, and neither is SD, she may have some behavioral issues that need corrected but your little boy is in no way better than she is...how would you feel if Dad acted with that kind of resentment towards yours...you'd probably be divorced by now.

After reading all this I know what I'm going to do...I'm going to be a little more understanding of everyone's feelings in my family. Although we do have to work out my SS issues with behavior...I think I'm going to go home and give him a big hug, just to let him know I love him. Geez...some people.

DadOftwo ,
I understand your comment and agree to a certain level. As a step parent myself it is extremely easy to show favortism to your bio child. With a Bio child is is equally as easy to acknowledge your step childs faults and "problems" before your own childs. It sounds as though your step son is vying for attention in ways. Which is what the child is doing in the original post. although it may be done in what you feel is a "negative" manner it is a cry for attention to fill a space that is empty for whatever reason. I can understand the feeling this lady has, and the word hatred is a tad strong for this situation. I think Couseling on all parties needs to be considered. DAD it also sounds as though you have a slight favortism towards your child versus your wife's son due to the intense and complex wording of your post. Possibly your son could even be a part of the younger childs issue. I sincerely do not mean this negatively, but is your child free of issues or do both children have issues? I am sure the original poster's step child is jealous of the situation, she doesn't feel loved and feels left out due to having to share what attention she does receive.