Sadly, this doesn't seem to be an unusual situation at all... A bit more extreme than most in it's extent, but not unusual at the core --

Just as BioParents have a strong urge to protect their kids and have a high tolerance for mild misbehavior and/or selfishness, Steps seem to want the kids to be 'model citizens' and have an especially low tolerance for inconsiderate acts, especially when the kids don't appear to love and/or respect the StepParents. And the kid feels alternately 'picked on' and 'protected', setting up the parents as the 'bad cop' and the 'protector' and pitting them against each other. He's probably held in so many accumulated annoyances over the years that the slightest thing can now tip him over the edge. But at the same time, you are seeing him over-react to the tiniest little things and automatically jump to your DD's defense. Vicious cycle...

Everyone's perceptions become so skewed and their positions so sensitized that it's virtually impossible to find the objective truth -- which in almost every case is somewhere in the middle. DH is right to hold your DD to certain standards of behavior, but he's not right to either hold it in until he explodes or nitpick every little item. At the same time, you have a duty to protect your DD from real harm, but not to shield her from the reasonable consequences of her own irresponsible carelessness.

Would your husband agree to go with you for counseling so you could air your different perspectives in a safe environment and agree on a united front? You may be able to work it out on your own if you're both good communicators, can discuss volitile subjects without anger, and are willing and able to see each other's perspectives.

That said, moving out for college might be a really good idea, just to help diffuse the situation.

Its tough. Living at home can save a lot of $$, and no one wants a child to take on more debt than necessary. That said, I get annoyed when my DD leaves on lights and TV. Dont even get me started on A/C battles. I agree DD needs privacey, and if you are home, he should tell you. Unless light was in her room, I do not see a need to waker her up.

I think counseling could help, and you could ask counselor to establish one set of rules for both children. It is probably tough on him, as he doesnt see son much.

"All the major problems between my daughter and her step father began a few years ago. My daughter had gone through a rough bout, hanging around with the wrong crowd, being disrespectful and irresponsible"

How old was she at the time?
Did it all start suddenly?

Sudden changes in behavior are often indications of drug use, but they can also stem from abuse.

& it was "a few years ago", & he claims that that's why he's still angry???

"He also goes in her room while she's sleeping to unplug her television after I've asked him 100 times to stay our of her room. She's 19 and deserves her privacy.

Not only is he unplugging something that he could just turn off (or leave on), he's going into the bedroom of a sleeping young woman.

Why would he think he's entitled to do such a thing?

& instead of asking 100 times, why haven't you hit the ceiling & warned him that if he does it just one more time, he'll be walking funny & singing high notes?

"I'm in the middle and don't know what to do. Now my daughter's looking into getting her own place and getting OSAP for college to pay her own way just to get away from him."

"My daughter's mad at me becasue she doesn't understand how I can watch him treat her the way he does."

Your daughter is being abused, emotionally & mentally at the very least, & you aren't seeing it:

abused children don't go to the police or to a school counsellor, they keep hoping their mother will do something,
& she always says she didn't know.

Your husband is showing way too much rage at this girl;
Why is he so obsessed with her & so angry?

I'd be limiting his access to her & to her bedroom, & I'd be having a serious discussion with her about whatever has gone on that I don't know about.

I wish you & your daughter the best.

I appreciate all of your advice.

To: sylviatexas:

My daughter's behaviour changed when she was 17. She did at that point tell me that she was sexually molested by her step sister when she was younger and we did work on that issue extensively. I asked her at that point if anyone else touched her and she said "NO". My relationship with my daughter is very close. She talks to me about everything. i know that she has tried marajuana, but nothing else.

As far as my husband going into her bedroom at night to unplug the tv, i have hit the roof many times with him. He seems to forget.

"Your daughter is being abused, emotionally & mentally at the very least, & you aren't seeing it: "

This hurts. I know my husband is being a jerk, but would it really be consider abuse? Maybe I'm not seeing clearly.

You see, my daughter does not respect her step father. She has told me upfront that when he starts respecting her, she will respect him. So, I think by her not respecting her Step father, it makes him angry. She doesn't go against him or anything. She just doesn't like him and he knows it. I sometimes think he feels the same way about her. I think they truly hate each other.

He pretty much ignores her presence when she's home unless she does something wrong. Then he'll say something to her. Otherwise, there is no conversation between them ever.

She got her driver's licence not too long ago and was so excited. When she told her step father her exciting news his response was "Don't think you're driving my car". Again I was angry. She looked at me and said, why do I bother.

Maybe I am being blind to the reality of the situation.

I have been thinking about counselling, and/or a possible separation.

I just want to try and do the right thing.

I dont think it is abuse, if he just turning off TV, just him maybe being a jerk. Would you rather he wake you up? If you are still awake, he should tell you, and you should turn it off.

I think counseling is more for one set of rules for both children - I think that will help.

I presume DHs X has primary custody of your SS. I dont know how long they have been divorced. I keep saying that until you have teenagers you cant understand. So he may not really understand.

Maybe I am just suspicious, but my first thought also when I read that he was going into her room after he had been told it is inappropriate was that he has or is abusing her. Are you 100% sure she would tell you? Perhaps she is trying to protect you. I think a lock for her door would be appropriate. Your first responsibility is to protect your daughter.

She tried marijuana?
She was disrespectful & irresponsible when she was a young teen?

& that's the excuse for rage, scapegoating, & violation of her privacy?

That excuse is so flimsy you can read right through it.

"I am so proud of her. She's a good person and doesn't deserve to be treated the way she is."

so you know that being treated badly & that she doesn't deserve it:

Being treated badly when you don't deserve it is abuse.

"I agree with my daughter when she states he is looking for things to argue with her about. He's on her constantly. When her friends come over to watch movies, he makes them feel so uncomfortable. I hate that too. I don't like the way he treats my daughter at all, but when his son comes over he's a beautiful ball of fun with him."

so he looks for an excuse to attack her verbally, she can't bring friends to her home without being embarrassed or humiliated or having them embarrassed or humiliated, *& she's the only person he treats this way*.

That's scapegoating, & that's abuse.

Invading her privacy, especially with the sexual overtones of a stepfather going into a stepdaughter's bedroom,
begrudging her the electricity it takes to operate a tv or a lightbulb (you know it isn't about the electricity, it's about him being able to accuse her of irresponsibility & go into a rage), is abuse, mental & emotional abuse at the very least.

"Being a jerk" doesn't begin to describe this.

& the fact that she told you that her stepsister molested her several years ago raises another red flag:

Assuming that it really happened the way your daughter said it did (victims sometimes cover for their real assailants because they feel that they did something to provoke the abuse), was this your husband's daughter?

Girls/women aren't anywhere as likely to be sexual aggressors & predators as boys/men are.

unless they've been abused themselves.

Please please get some professional, outside guidance here.

I am sorry if I wasnt clear.

I dont think the turning off TV, etc. rises to the level of legal domestic abuse.

It still isnt the environment I would want my DD living in, and I would start with counseling, and if that didnt work, would move on (to someone moving out).

Frankly, if H (and I wont say DH) is that much of a jerk to DD, my reaction is he is a jerk, and may look for a scapegoat whereever.

Harassing, haranguing, belittling, dripping sarcasm, faultfinding, *unplugging* the tv goes way beyond being a jerk.

tos's ex-husband doesn't call his kids on their birthdays.
That's being a jerk.

Making sure that your stepdaughter is aware of your wrath & of her own vulnerability every moment of every day is verbal, mental, & emotional assault.

I dont disagree -- I was just saying I dont think it will warrant calling the police, just moving out if it cant be changed.

And anyone who will abuse one person will likely abuse others when they become vulnerable.

My DH sometimes gets in a mood, seems similar to PMS. Then he has crabbily said to me why is my DS still at home. Well duh, he is in college. Getting good grades. DH asks why he doesn't do more around the house (dishes, laundry). He does his own laundry. Usually fies his own meals since we all have different schedules. Often buys his own food. He fixes the plumbing when we've had 2 floods. He has fixed all our cars numerous times. Many other repairs DH can't do, too numerous to mention. He works full time. Luckily when I remind DH of all the money he's saved us from repair bills, he says just have him mow some lawn once in a while. Our agreement (all three of us) was DS would finish as many courses locally as possible before transferring to the university to save as much money and debt as possible. DS and I have paid his way so far, so no debt. I helped the first year and last year I helped buy books but otherwise he has planned and paid for everything. (his "dear" father hasn't given him one cent for college, or even called or contacted him since graduation two years ago. Didn't let him know his grandpa had died last year. DS has called it quits with his dad and that side of the family. Nobody came to his graduation except his dad for FIVE minutes, he didn't stay for the ceremony after driving 18 hours for the five minutes. Their loss, he is a fine young man with very few if any bad habits. DH and I have done well.)

I think it is difficult for two unrelated adults or one near adult living in the same house sometimes. And I notice that it is sometimes or even often that the unrelated adults not getting along are the same gender.

My DS was always my defender and protector. Even when he was five and took after his dad after his dad had beat me up. The three girls tried to protect me but I wouldn't let them. DS could move fast and got away from me. I think he sometimes feels DH is stepping on his turf and probably vice-versa. They've only had a couple of disagreements in fifteen years so they get along pretty well and respect each other as they've both told me.

Interesting discussion --

Shar - Since you say you and your daughter have a very close relationship and that she tells you everything -- Do you think you and she could go somewhere private for a long heart to heart? Ask her flat out if, in her opinon, it goes beyond 'jerkdom' and crosses over into abuse.
Ask her again if your husband ever crossed the line against her, and tell her that you will listen carefully to what she has to say and not judge her.

It would be a shame if a 'healable rift' were allowed to destroy your marriage.
But it would be worse to try to force a close and continuing relationship between your daughther and a man who abuses her.

Shar - Your DD and DH's relationship sounds a lot like mine with my step dad. He has always rode me hard and let my SB get away with everything, murder I'm sure if it ever came up. I have approached him on this several times. His response was always the same. Men tend to have a harder time relating to women or "daughters" then to there sons. Fact of life, he doesn't know how to act or react to her behavior. So he over reacts, this is your turn to step it up, lay down the law. He needs to stay out of her room, if the TV is on knock on the door and ask her to turn it off. No need to unplug it, that's childish. He is stooping to her level, not wise of someone who should be an adult. Complains about a light, well has he ever left a light on or forgot to shut the lid on the toilet. Blow up at him, rant and rave as he does, then stop and say that's how you sound when you talk to my DD. It doesn't accomplish anything but angering people when you scream and shout. My grandmother is a very very wise lady, she told me something long ago. If you whisper people are forced to pay attention to actually hear what you are saying, when you yell they can tune you out.

When her friends are there and he does things to embarrass her or make then uncomfortable, are you sure that's not typical teenage opinion. I hated it when my parents checked up on me ever 5 minutes but know they were just making sure that I wasn't getting into trouble. Once a child has done something to lose trust it's hard to gain it back. Especially for one who has not bond or biological ties to a child.

You should really sit down and talk to both of them together. Dinner in public, where if one of them raises a voice then they are causing an embarrassment to them self, as home someone can just slam off into there room. If you are out in a public area and all drove in one car, if you have the keys that makes it hard for either one of them to leave until you are ready.

Counseling is great, but I think to many people run to the aid of others when simply forcing the two of them to talk might help a little. And if all else fails call upon the outside help, or maybe reevaluate your relationship.

The fact that you see your husband behaving this way toward your daughter, and more importantly that she sees it to, says everything to me.

1) I think most people in here agree that the warning signs are strong and clear that your husband has sexually molested or touched your daughter at some time in the past.

2) She's giving you all sorts of signs and signals, but you're not seeing them, probably because it's horrifying and the last thing you would ever want to think could happen.

3) The reason she's not telling you about any possible abuse is because of No. 2. My niece was sexually abused for a year by a male cousin. My sister was warned several times about the situation (we thought the boy showed an unusual interest in a girl much younger than him). She was adamant that she'd talked to her daughter repeatedly and her daughter had denied anything was going on. Turns out she was being threatened with her family's death.

4) Your daughter may continue to keep the secret because your husband is showing her all the ways he's in control: He has unlimited access to her private space, apparently unlimited ability to harass and dictate to her, etc. She may feel powerless and he is enforcing that feeling.

You need to sit down with your daughter, when you're alone in the house, and say the following:

"I need to ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Has your stepfather ever touched you in a sexual manner or threatened to do so? Before you answer, I want you to know that I will absolutely believe you and I will go to the ends of the Earth to protect you. You are my daughter and I love you and if he has hurt you before, I will NEVER let him hurt you again."

Thank you all for the advice.

Alot of you think there is some sort of sexual abuse in this situation. I like to think I know my daughter very well. She's voiced her opinion about my husband many times and I have to believe that if something like this has happened, she would not hesitate to tell me.

But I will definately talk to my daughter once again in private to try and find out.

Her stepfather doesn't yell at her. He complains in a
normal toned voice. The yelling and rage begins when she rebels and argues with him. Then I too get involved. Then everyone's yelling.

I think maybe counselling is the answer here. We can not communicate without it turning into an argument.

He also doesn't embarass her in front of her friends. He's just very antisocial with her friends. Doesn't say "Hi", makes them feel unwelcomed.

I am going to talk with my daughter over the weekend for sure. Depending on the outcome of our conversation, I plan on suggesting counceling with my husband to try and resolve the issues at hand.

Keep in touch, we will all be happy to hear that absolutely no sexual abuse.

As to not making friends welcome, my DD15 wants me to hide when her friends come over. Apparently I embarrass her by breathing.

I still think a major issue is one set of rules for both children, his and yours.

Well I am extremely pleased to let you all know, that I had a heart to heart with my daughter about life and what's been going on and she had confirmed for me that her step father has "NOT" sexually abused her in any way ever. In her words, "No mom, he's being a jerk but he's not that bad". I felt very releaved as you can imagine.

So, I have since spoken with my husband and he has agreed to try and let up a bit that maybe he's being too picky and he is willing to try councelling.

He did put his best foot forward over the weekend and was pleasant around my daughter. I think she noticed it too. Keep you finger's crossed that we are on the road to recovery of this problem we've been battling.

Thanks to all of you for the advice. I appreciate it.

Take care.

Great -- that is good news.

I think what also might help if you tell your husband that you really appreciate him trying to compromise. Catch him when he does somehting good. Then I would go on to say you would prefer that DD live at home while she can, and attend college, to conserve money. I think if you put it to him that her minimizing student loans is really to everyones benefit. On the ohter hand, if he cant do it, better to start planning now.