I think TOS qualifies life estate to handle the following situation -- Dad remarries younger woman, maybe even same age as his children. In that event, Dad has to decide if he gives life estate to stepmom, children will not likely see anything.

Was not meant to be an ATTACK KKNY, the attack (or snipe to me)was a long standing marriage life estate is OK....I am actually in agreement with you, somewhat...My opinion, is that you feel money will some how assuage your hurt feelings, a payback somehow...Serenity, I dont care how many gigobites you type, the song remains the same...If it is the parents money, and they so state Serenity, this is yours, SM, this is yours, parents wishes are being followed...The will, will be followed according to your fathers wishes..They may not be what you feel entitled to, but thats what HE wants...My DH left a house with his Ex for his children to inherit, he paid for it, thats the house they grew up in, not our house....We made what we thought was a fair plan for all children involved..If they dont like it, these are our wishes....Please dont take offense, but I feel we make the decisions, not our children

I will explain why life estate does not appeal to ME. We have been married 23 years and have 3 adult children each. We both feel they are not entitled to anything until both of us die. Suppose my DH died and for whatever reason I decided/needed to live elsewhere. Maybe I would need assisted living. Maybe the neighborhood would go bad and I don't want to live here anymore and would choose to sell and buy elsewhere. Where would that leave me? We each inherite everything when the other dies. Immediately after either death the other will make a new will leaving 6 children equal proceeds. Could I leave his children out? Sure I COULD, but won't. The reason ~ because I'm not a greedy person and because I love my skids. Suppose I re-marry. I hope he has his own money because he won't be getting what belongs to the kids. And because my DH is a decent person and not greedy either I feel confident he will do things the exact way we've agreed on. I realize my way would not work for everyone but for us it works.

In TOS's situation SM owns the house ... her children get it when she passes ... 3 days after funeral they (her children) tell TOS's EX to get the F___ OUT this is not your house any longer. At this point he has lived there for 10+ years but he is not entitled to anything in that house he has to pack his stuff and move back in with TOS until he can find/afford a place of his own.

Isn't life grand!!!

In KKNY's situation... its dad's house ... house is left to daughter upon daddy's death KKNY and DD will be at the doorstop telling the "GF" to get the F_____ OUT this is not your house any longer.

Isn't life grand!!!

OP Do what you want to do with your will too bad if your daughter doesn't like it .... its your's and hubby's to do what you want to do with you both earned it ...

If she can't see how selfish she is being well thats on her and You could always dangle it in her face ... look kid I had every intention of leaving you ________ but the way you are treating me and or reacting over this I might be better off leaving my ________ to someone who will appreciate it.

Evil thought!! do you have any grandchildren?

Gajoba, You have it right..I lot of people dont understand trust..Or integrity...Even after 23 years, some people would believe you shouldnt get anything, because they were here first...You can love your child and your new wife and want to do right by both..I dont see X wives wanting SM to get nothing, all to her children, when they have lived and worked side by side and built something new..

Back to the OP. She is the mother. She purchased the house with her husband. She wants to leave it to her husband. END OF STORY.

Her daughter doesn't like it. TOUGH!!! Her husband said he would leave it to her daughter. Maybe he will, maybe he will change his mind. OP didn't say she would leave it to her daughter when her husband goes... That was the husband's offer. He can change his mind.

As to life estates KKNY, I am not against it. I'm not against people planning and doing what they WANT. In this case, OP doesn't WANT to leave her share of the house to her daughter when her husband will still be living there. If she WANTED to provide that her daughter gets her share of the house upon his death, then I guess she would do that. But, she is entitled to make her decision as to what to do with the money and assets SHE has earned and if she chooses to leave it to charity, IT'S NONE OF HER DAUGHTER'S FREAKIN BUSINESS!!!!

I have three children and if I were battling an illness that any of them thought might be terminal and instead of being here for me and being the loving children they should be, if any one of them (or all) demanded (don't mistake that with discussing) but demanded that I leave them certain things and refused to see or talk to me if I didn't... That's emotional blackmail and how can a child do that to their parent that is ill? Any child of mine that would do that would get NOTHING.

I really really really hate sharing this story but it gives some perspective of how it can all go wrong. Here's a story of what can happen with if you plan *trusting*:

My Grandfather is incredibly wealthy (multimillionaire), he and my Grandmother wrote a will years and years ago that stated that which ever died first the other would inherit all and upon death everything was split equally for each child (three ways). Grandma got Alzheimers about 8 years ago, she's still living, in a very nice facility. About a year ago Grandpa goes and gets a girlfriend (his wife is still alive!) who is significantly younger than my father and closer to my age. He then changes his will so that everything is now left to the girlfriend. (with an extremely tiny portion left in a trust to continue the payments on his wife of fifty+ years care) His children get nothing. Girlfriend of 1 year gets a tremendous fortune.

This is definitely NOT the wishes of his Wife (who has claim to 50% of his estate at least) but is an example of how Changes can not always be anticipated.

This may be something that your daughter feared. But she definitely did NOT express it in an appropriate way. Its sad that these things happen, especially when it is obviously a unilateral decision and NOT one made by both parties who established the estate.

Its just best to make sure your will is IRONCLAD to your wishes, and that no one can change your wishes after your death.

If someone wants something that is against the way YOU want it then they need to back off - its your life's work. You make the call.

I dont look at $$ as a way to make up for hurt feelings, but I do want to protect my DD financially. As to all the people who say that children have no rights to house, well neither do SMs children. As to what Dads current SO would do if he died, she should have the money she received when she sold her condo to move in with him (unless she has spent it all on clothes, plastic surgery, etc.).

Now that is a case I d contest..How did you find out of the change? I d ask for a guardian ad litem to protect my grandmas interests...I guess the old fool could do what he wanted with his half, but you should try to see if grandma has any recourse....

Obviously some people on here only read the posts they want to argue with.

KKNY said - "I don't understand why none of the SMs here see it that way. I would like to hear more on that."

I DO see it that way. And I will be a SM when FDH and I get married. And I DO expect him to make separate provisions for me and his daughter and even his son in his will. Obviously some people on here only read the posts they want to argue with.

FD said - "I trully have tremendous difficulty understanding why parents' house has to belong to children after parents die. I do not get it honestly. unless children live in that house how on earth can they ask for that house? I DO NOT GET IT. "

Has anyone ever thought that maybe the only thing of any value IS the house? No one has mentioned it on this thread. Everyone quit being so short-sided! Look, since OP has cancer, I would not be incorrect to think there are medical bills needing to be paid. It is possible that SF could run off in the event the OP passes and leave the medical bills for the daughter to pay. That would not be uncommon. So a logical way to pay the bills off would be to sell the house, which she would not be able to do if she is not willed atleast a portion of the house.

My parents have nothing of value, but have a lot of debt. They will leave me very little. I'm okay with that. BUT if the debt is too much to handle, I would like to have the option of selling the house to pay it off. The difference is that my parents are still together and all of us children are by the both of them. So they both have a vested emotional interest in our well-being after they pass. But in a step family situation, that is not always the case.

I am in no way saying the way the daughter went about it is right. She was very tactless and is being hateful and selfish now. But I think that her original concerns were not out of line. She got mad because she wasn't getting her way and that's when she started acting like a spoiled brat.

dotz --

We found out cause he blatantly told the oldest (my father) that he was no longer executor that his lawyer would be and all provisions were for the GF (who is 'friends' with this lawyer hmmmm..)

The kids gave him the option of divorcing GM, allowing her to have her half of the estate to distribute according to her wishes and he can do what he wants with his half. He would have nothing of it. So....currently have motions before the court to have him declared incompetent and his new will voided..always fun!

Of course there is always the other side of the coin should GM outlive him. I guess only time will tell how it all plays out.

Ashley, I have to disagree when you say....

"It is possible that SF could run off in the event the OP passes and leave the medical bills for the daughter to pay."

If they are married, they would be 'their' medical bills. He can't just run off... well, I guess he can but her daughter is not legally obligated to pay the medical bills, the husband is. If the daughter were given the home (or her mother's portion of it), she could walk away and leave the husband with ALL of her mother's medical bills. (that could also be why their attorney kept asking "are you sure?") The daughter could force the husband to buy her half of the home or sell the house to get hers and then husband would still be stuck with medical bills that are 'community debt'. If they were not married, then the estate would owe the bills, but the daughter is NEVER going to be responsible for her mother's medical bills, unless she is conservator. (even then, the bills would be paid from the mother's money, not the daughters)

If your parents are still together, when one passes, the other will keep the house. When the second one passes, the house is part of the estate. The estate pays off all debts before distribution so if there are bills that need to be paid, the house would be sold and the bills paid. I don't see why you think it would be any different in a step family situation. When one spouse dies, the other spouse is legally obligated to the joint debt. It doesn't say that only first spouses are obligated and second spouses can walk away, leaving debt to the children of the decedent.

Sieryn:

Does grandma have a conservator or public guardian? If her representative were to file for divorce on her behalf (in her interests), then he would have to equitably divide their assets and her share would not go to the GF. I'm sure you have an attorney but that was just a thought. My dad is conservator for my stepmom and my stepmom became ill without a will. My dad, as her conservator, wrote a will for her (of course, leaving NOTHING to her children). I think it's worth mentioning that if my stepmom had made a will. leaving her children her half of everything (that she and my father have accumulated in the last 20 years), I don't think she anticipated that they would all abandon her during her illness and leave her so others could care for her. Had she died when she had her aneurysm, my dad would have given them a fair inheritance. I'm pretty sure he would not have given them any part of the house that he and my stepmom built together. That was "their" home and it is still HIS home. And the way things have played out, my stepmom's children have shown their true colors. They have shown what is important to them. It isn't their mother. It's all about money.

Sieryn, Great, sounds like you re doing all you can for grandma..Good luck with that...

DD never asks for anything. I doubt she will ever ask for anything. Her dad is able to pay her college tuition. She is grateful, if he would not be able to, she would look for other options. neither one of us can fully support her cost of living, she works very hard to afford what she needs. We help when we can. If i ask what would you like me to bring you when I visit she would name somehting for $15. If i send modest package she jumps up and down. She won't ask for inheritance neither from me nor from her dad. We don't ask and don't demand from our parents.

we all make decent salaries and hold professional jobs but we are not wealthy and don't have much to leave to anyone. I can leave my graduate loan lol. maybe all of you here are very wealthy so your kids should demand inheritance. i don't know. We are not rich. can't relate. lol

dotz - yeah we're trying our best :) My grandma was awesome, it just seems like all the men in my family are @ssholes lol.

Ima - I didn't know this could happen but she actually has three guardians, my grandfather, my father and his brother. They're trying to get my grandfather kicked off the list using his new will as a demonstration of conflict of interest in her care. I care how it plays out for principal only, I don't need or want a dime of his money. If my Dad were to win he would just give it all to his new wife and her horrible 30-something-but-still-dependent children anyway :-).

I still want to know what everyone's opinion is on when it is the *step-parent-spouse* who makes demands (moreover at time of parent-spouse's terminal illness), instead of the child. I guess I'm wondering if that's seen as any better (or worse), since the majority here seem pretty mortified at OP's daughter's manipulations. Haven't heard too much commentary on that scenario... The mortification at child doing that seems to dovetail with the whole "respect your eldeers no matter what" philosophy... Is there a "respect your spouse" or "respect your stepchild" imperative taht goes along with that?

Why would my exH deserve to inherit his wife's house, or even have a life estate, no matter how long they were together? The house is in his wife's name, she pays the entire mortgage - I think it is pretty obvious that her children should inherit it.

theotherside
"I think it is pretty obvious that her children should inherit it."

That would be for his wife to decide. If she doesn't want to leave them anything for whatever reason, she doesn't have to. If she decides that she wants her husband to live in the house they have shared for however many years they have been there, not because he paid for it, but because she loves him and wants to make sure he isn't booted out and homeless, then it's up to her. If she doesn't care what happens to him and leaves it to her kids to boot him out, that's also up to her. and if she wants her kids to have it after he dies, then she can make those provisions. I think it's a little presumptuous to say that her children should inherit it. What if they are the kind of children that bring nothing but misery to their parents? She may feel they deserve nothing. (even if she does pay the ENTIRE mortgage. It's HER choice)

and serenity, anybody that puts added pressure on an ill person, especially terminally ill, is disgusting. It doesn't really matter if it's a spouse (first or otherwise) or child (step or bio). People that love each other don't show it by being insensitive or materialistic when they are faced with losing a person they love. It's particularly disgusting when family members that supposedly love someone, bring misery to the person they supposedly love. Whether it's a parent that bad mouths someone their child loves, such as the other parent, step parent or anyone else. Or when a child bad mouths the step parent to the parent that is married to him/her. It's exacerbated when the person that is put in the middle is sick and battling for their life or dealing with health problems.

If you love someone, then the right thing to do is to respect their choices, even if it hurts. Love is complicated because in a perfect world, people would not do things that hurt the ones they love. The world is not perfect and life is short. Should parents remain single because they might make their children, whom they love, unhappy by getting remarried? Should [grown] children, who love their parents, want to see their parents happy, even if it means they don't really care for their parent's choice in partner? How selfish or selfless should we all be as parents and as children? Young children are understanably selfish in terms of their parents, they are 'dependent' and nobody can blame a [minor] child for resenting an outsider (stepparent) for swooping in and taking their parent away, but at what point does that child become an adult and realize that the parent is also a person that deserves love and happiness of their own choosing? (even if we don't like it)

Perhaps it's only in HER name so they can't go after it to satisfy his support obligation to your children.

serenity_now_2007, My opinion wouldn't change no matter who the person was. I do not think anyone should try to make someone to change a will. Most certainly at time when someone has a life threatening illness. That said, it would be good in the OP's case to find a way to iron clad her wishes that her daughter eventually receive the house.

"What if they are the kind of children that bring nothing but misery to their parents?"

I believe they should still inherit their mother's house. They are still her children. Even if someone had given birth to several children all of whom became serial killers (a rather unlikely scenario), their mother should still love them unconditionally. If a child were a gambling addict or something, then there are trust arrangements that could be made to ensure that the money from the house wouldn't disappear overnight.

I think that there is some fundamental difference between how you and I view our children. I do not believe that my responsibility toward my children ends just because they turn 18, or 21, or graduate from college. I don't demand thanks, or adherence to rules, in exchange for doing something for or giving something to my children, yet, I often receive thanks, even for minor things like cooking spaghetti.

Why on earth would my exH's current wife put her house in both their names? She owned the house before she met my eH; he had nothing to do with it.

theotherside,
I'm glad you point out that the possibility of all the children becoming serial killers is an unlikely scenario. If you believe that, then why use that as your example? I agree, if a child is a criminal, there are many criminals that would call mom first when they are in a bind. There are many criminals that love and respect their mom, even if they victimize others. People with addictions can also be deserving and sure, trusts can be set up.

I agree that there is a fundamental difference between the way you and I view a parents responsibility for our children. It's clear that you don't think your responsibility toward your children ends at any given point and they are not expected to thank you, follow rules, respect or even love you back. That's your choice as a parent to ignore those things. Since your children thank you for such simple things as cooking spaghetti, then I would assume that you don't know what it's like to have a child that abandons you. You must not know what it's like to be terminally ill and have your children choose to bicker in court over what they deserve rather than visit you, take care of you or even inquire about you... instead they leave your care in the hands of others but wait impatiently in the shadows with their hand out and upset that YOUR money is being wasted on your care... you know, making you comfortable and such.

I'm sure that you'll say that if you were ever in the position that my stepmother is in, you would rather not be alive. You don't get that choice. She has been on a DNR and no treatment order for several years now. It pains me daily to see her like this and my prayers are for her suffering to end. Her biological children.. you know, the ones that ARE STILL HER CHILDREN, don't give a crap to know how she is doing, they are too busy strategizing the court battle that is sure to happen when she does pass.

That is the 'fundamental' difference between the way you or I view children. Just the mere fact that you give birth to someone does not make you a parent. and just the mere fact that the parent gave birth to you does not entitle you to everything they have worked for all their lives.

My concern is that a parent may have the illusion that his partner may have the same concern for his children that he/she does. As even Ima said, many people have even a subconscious favortism of their own child. In short, what the OP may want is to trust her partner. Circumstances change, etc., OP and other parents have to ask themselves, if I give all my assets to my spouse, NOT IN A LIFE ESTATE, am I prepared to disinerhit my children. I suspect many people in second marriages are not willing to ask themselves that question. They would rather go on trusting their partner - of course.

kkny

I might have mentioned before that my grandparents, that were married for over 50 years and raised the 9 suriving (of 13) children together. My mom and my aunt(S) worked for a summer, pooling their money to buy their parents a home when they were about 14-16. Over the next 20-25 years, my grandparents renovated, added on, and lived in it together until my grandma died in 1987. Because they thought they could not have property to qualify for social security, they agreed to put the house in my Aunt(M)'s name. Two years after grandma died, Aunt(M) who was the youngest of the children and was married, living with her husband in another town, decided that if my grandfather wanted to get married again, he could not live in the house. So, when my grandfather was in his 80's, his youngest daughter evicted him. A few years later, he had a stroke and is now living with my Aunt(R).

His marriage to his new wife did not last. I'm not surprised because she had nine [technically]step children that, although they were all grown (many were already grandparents themselves), took it upon themselves to interfere in his marriage, treated his wife poorly and she left. He is now 96 years old and he had the opportunity to have love and companionship but has been alone for the last 15 years. I doubt that my grandmother would have wanted him evicted from the home that was HIS. I can't say whether she would have wanted his new wife to live there, but I can say that if anything ever happened to me, I would want my husband to find happiness and love. I love him enough to want him to be loved again if I'm not around. and after 50 years of marriage and keeping his vows 'til death', he was entitled to do whatever he wanted with HIS house. Personally, I don't know how my aunt can sleep at night or look at herself in the mirror. Her parents trusted her and she abused the trust.

The point is that anyone can abuse trust, not just in second marriages. Anyone that wants to make sure certain people get certain things, regardless of relationship, should take the steps to make sure.

To TOS: if you don't think that your ex is entitled to the continue to live in the house he shares with his current wife, then you do not get the concept of marriage/partnership. So you just think that if she dies, he gets tossed out like another of her possessions? That wouldn't be very caring of her. I hope that they have a provision that states that he gets to live in the house until he dies, after which time, it could be sold, with the money given to the children. ON the other hand, if he got sick after she died, and decided to sell the house to pay for medical bills......in a healthy marriage, that would be perfectly understandable. The health and well-being of the people who built that life should come first. Children aren't owed an inheritance, it is a benefit that they may be lucky enough to get. I guarantee you that while my husband and I think about the possibility of helping his children down the road, we are not living our lives to set up their financial future -- we expect THEM to do that. An inheritance is a bonus. Nothing more. You've seen the bumper sticker: "we are spending our child's inheritance"? I say go for it! And, this post isn't even about reaping the benefits of their hard work -- it is about a daughter who should be disowned because her mother's value to her is only in the money she will get. It is unfathomable to me to even think about having a relationship with that girl, or even try to work this out. She made her priority clear.....and she is not helping in the recovery, so she needs to be crossed off. As painful as that is for her mother, her mother's priority needs to be her health.

Jersey, you dont know what arrangement TOSs X made with his wife. When my X's SO moved in with him, she sold her condo. Presumably she has the money for a new home. Oh but wait, that wouldnt be as luxourious as his presnt home. My point -- every one makes their own life. And as people get older, they are more likely to seperate funds. To all those people who say children arent entitled to inheritance, I would say that most financial advisors advise people entering second marriages to establish this ahead of time -- and decide which funds go to children, etc.

I think if she wanted my exH to inherit the house if she dies first, she would have put his name on the deed. It is a simple thing to do. So what if he is "homeless?" - he has a job, and a 401K into which he has been stashing a lot of his income. He has no expenses to speak of - no one to put through college, a pittance in child support (and it is quite possible all of our children will be grown before either of them die). Why wouldn't he be perfectly capable of finding something to rent?

Not that it matters what your exH's wife does, she doesn't have to put his name on the deed for him to get the house if she precedes him. Unless she has a will that states otherwise, her husband will get it, even if it's in her name only. It makes perfect sense for her to keep his name off so that a lien cannot be placed against it for past due child support or anything else. It doesn't really matter because what your exH and his wife do is none of your concern.

Ima, I thought we were having discussions of inheritance situations -- Tos was just talking about one of them. Which actually makes sense to me. And I would assume TOS's X wife has a will with appropriate provsisons.

I am certain she has a will. She may be a lot of things, but financially oblivious isn't one of them.

Hello Lyn,
It seems as though your daughter has taken up a Career as a Self Entitled Spoilt Brat. My Grandmother tried to do what she thought was the right thing by her daughter and 2 Sons. Paid for their Education, put down payments on their houses ect ect. One Son thanked her. What she got from the other two were a pair of: you guessed it! Spoilt entitled Brats! These days they are Brats in their 60's.
Grandmother also left a Trust. She has been gone for 3 years now. She was Suffering Dementia for 7 years before she died and the Way they acted was disgusting. Epecially My *'Mother* and her husband.

They fought, they argued, they threatened each other and basically carried on like small children. After she died, I was appointed a trustee along with 2 other family members. The biggest headaches we have are from mother usually revved up by stepfather and his clan and from her whining brother. It boils down to this. It was my Grandmothers money to do with as She wished and whether they think its fair or not doesn't come into it.

This statement you made said it all for me: * I would like to add that over the 15 years we're married the bulk of what we own, was earned together *

How you and your husband divide, distribute and will Your money and assets is YOUR business, NOT hers! And your daughter needs to get that through her head. I can fully understand why you are so upset. To do this @ a time when you are so ill is spiteful, selfish, nasty, immature, rude, distasteful and disgusting. I couldn't imagine your pain @ at her behaviour after raising her with her best interests @ heart.
I would let her approach you and I would also be cutting of the Mom and Dad Gravy Train if you haven't already. Your story Lyn is food for thought and there are @ least 2 members in this thread who would do well to think over your story.
best wishes

I sure dont understand someone that would not make provisions for a husband or wife that they supposedly love by saying its my property, you can go out and rent if I die...That would be ice cold...I m thinking Lynn , like I did, went into my 2nd marriage expecting for better or worse, for richer or poorer...She obviously loves her husband and her daughter..She wants her husband provided for first, her DD is OK ...My DS is OK too..I own my home, but DH is entitled to stay here for the rest of his life...I cant imagine him getting thrown out TO RENT...Geez, I love him, and I m sure he wouldnt throw me out, or let his kids do that to me....He wants to provide for me..And what is wrong with that????? He has a son that would no doubt do that to me....When we were just dating, not even serious, he said IN FRONT of me, Mom says she s going to take all OUR money!!! Showed me where his head was at from the get go......

Just so I understand you Dotz, my Xs SO sold her condo and moved in with him. She contributes nothing to the household other than pay for the food she eats (per him). If he were to predecease her, what is wrong with expecting her to move back to a condo?

I would expect her to.... do not pass go , do not collect 200 hundred dollars, on her way back to the condo...She s an SO, not a wife......

LOL!! He makes her pay for food????That is crazy!!! If my DH ever starts makin me pay for food, I m outta here!!! My snack bill is quite extensive!!!! LOLOLOL

OK, lets continue, what if they get married? And during their entire time togethor they have never shared expenses?

OK, lets continue, what if they get married? And during their entire time togethor they have never shared expenses?

I know what you re thinking...He worked a lifetime..Janey Come Lately shows up and takes whats rightfully DDs legacy....My ex has a home also, like me, which I hope will go to DS..But if he met a hoochie princess and gave it all to her, as his mom , I wouldnt like it, but it is, after all Exs money, not my DSs in reality, regardless of what she contributed, he s free to do as he pleases..My X may be worried that DS will be cheated out of my home, he knows of my remarriage, he does not know about my life estate plan....

You crack me up kkny. Sorry, I can't think of anything more important to say.

Actually I covered this in my divorce agreement, but I was curious what you thought was right.

Dotz, so she shouldnt pay for anything???? And you still think OK for SM to inherint all?? I love the perspective I see here.

KKNY......I think I ve already stated, if my DS didnt inherit from his dad, if he got a new stepmom this late in the game,its his dads money, not my DS s...YET again, I would not like it...I would prefer my son gets it, but I do not control my x husbands finances..DO I think new stepmom should get it??? Sigh, I have SO many more important things to worry about...My DS will be fine, if I m the only one he inherits from....Or if he gets nothing, even from me..I have prepared him for the world....I have a dying elderly father, estrangements in my family, a vicious X wife from hell.... hideous relatives on DHs side of family..... and am still grieving numerous deaths in my family from brother, sister and a very young niece and nephew whom I raised, who took their own lives....Todays news, a nephew who will be in a full body cast for 3 months from a terrible auto accident..KKNY, this forum to me is a stress reducer, and at the same time a stress inducer....Maybe your life has been golden, except for your divorce..I cant believe I m blurting all this out tonight, but I have to make this point..Money is just money......I cant shake the feeling that its the end all , be all, retribution for all your past hurts,OF COURSE I want my kid to be OK financially but money.....It is meaningless.....

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew, yes that is tragic.

But back to money, if money is just money, then the SMs can give it up.

I have to say I do not think that ones children are "entitled" to an inheritance. I know many people who have never received an inheritance and they do just fine! If someone has enough money to leave an inheritance behind then they can give away that money as they see fit.

It is so sad to see people losing sight of what is really important. Family is what is really important, whether that be blood or step. I love my family dearly and would never dream of asking them what I am being left in a will. I would much rather cherish their life than fight over what would happen when they die.

And when my parents do pass I would not try to take their money and home out from under my stepparents!

and the last post before I drop into bed....My Dhs money,(before marriage) is HIS to do what he chooses...I cant give UP something that belongs to him, as a stepmom..HE will do as HE pleases with it, not MY CALL....

"But back to money, if money is just money, then the SMs can give it up."

Yes, so can the ex wife/husband, kids and all other relatives.

As a child, if my dad passes before my stepmom, she will have to be taken care of until she dies. That may very well use up whatever my dad leaves because nobody knows how long she will continue to live. Her children are upset that she lasted long enough for her medical care to use up whatever she came into the marriage with. Her care costs more than her disability income she gets so... no inheritance for her kids. They aren't willing to accept that, they had to take it to court to hear a Judge tell them that there isn't anything left. Personally, the Judge should have told them that they can take over their mom's care and have her income. Oh wait, they were given that option and refused. They actually wanted to see if they were entitled to half of everything my dad has since it's 'community property'. Well, they aren't entitled to jack because my dad is alive and so is their mom. Impatient little buggers.

My dad has worked hard for everything he has and if it ends up going to provide care for his wife because that's what is important to him, then he has my blessing. He's taught me what it means to do the right thing and he's taught me to be strong and make my own way in the world. All of his children have fairly successful lives and none of us 'expect' a thing. It's HIS money to do with as HE pleases and if he leaves it to his dog, that's also his business.

My personal views on inheritance issues in second marriages are pretty clear cut. If there are no grievous actions or special circumstances that argue something else:

- Whatever each spouse brings into the marriage (the "MINE" pile) should go to whomever they wish on their deaths - presumably their own children.

- Whatever is accumulated during the marriage (the "OURS" pile) should go to the surviving spouse, either free and clear, or in a life-estate.

- Whatever is left at the death of the second spouse should be divided with the "MINE" pile going first to that spouse's heirs, and the remaining "OURS" pile being divided among all of the children of both spouses.

- IMO, the length of the marriage is also a factor, and a formula akin to 'vesting' would be appropriate -- though the "MINE" and "OURS" distinctions serve the same purpose.

If my husband predeceases me and I remarry, I will insist upon a pre-nup that reflects the views above.

I have not read all the posts--not enough time! But I've seen firsthand what money squabbles can do to families. Thirty-five years ago, my grandmother cut her bio daughter and stepdaughter from her will after my grandfather died. Stepdaughter was afraid she's be cut from grandma's will since she wasn't grandma's bio child. Bio daughter sided with her and they challenged grandpa's will and lost--big time. Grandma went to her grave without ever speaking to her own daughter ever again. In fact, no one in the family spoke to this woman after this happened. (Bio is still alive; step died several years ago.) My uncle will tell you he has just one living sibling--my dad--and same with my dad. They do not count their living sister as their sibling. HOW SAD.

I can't tell you (OP) what to do but I do believe that NO parent owes a child an inheritance. I'd much prefer my own parents spend all their money while they are alive and leave me nothing. They worked HARD for what they have; they should enjoy it, not me.

Personally, I think your daughter is out of line. But that's easy for me to say. You are the one who has to live with her estrangement.

Using my own past as a guide, I wonder if your daughter's husband is putting her up to this. Yes, it's wrong of her to go along with it, but she may be completely dominated and influenced by him. I was, by my first husband, and became estranged from my family for many years.

Your finances are your own business and you owe nothing to your grown daughter, her husband, their children, or any other relatives. In future, keep your own counsel and don't share financial information with family members.

BTW, eventually my domineering husband found someone else to dominate. We divorced, and I married a wonderful man who helped me heal my family relationships. There is hope for your daughter and you, too, I'm sure.