Thanks to all of you for your well-thought-out responses! Billl you are right, my LH wasn't anywhere near a standup guy. In fact I used to dread any holiday because my in-laws would insist that we spend it at their house (Thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter, you name it) and my LH would tell him "yes, sure" every time and then the night before - or worse, the MORNING OF - whatever the day was, he'd tell me to call and make some excuse such as that one of us was sick, the car wouldn't start, or whatever. Thus, I was the one who got the immediate flak over the phone; not him. Or we'd go and then I'd have to make up some excuse for us to leave early. I'm sure that you all will say that I should never have gone along with that nonsense. However as I mentioned in my original post, my LH not only had a drinking problem (as did my in-laws) but also a hair-trigger and violent temper. It was literally safer to do things his way. The estrangement between my LH and FIL was just as much my LH's fault as his father's (by that time my MIL had died). Naturally there is no longer any reason for either me or my son to appease my FIL. I admit I hate confrontation and conflict and of a nature to want to avoid rocking the boat; also, I'm caught between my FIL's personality (which is really tough to take) and the fact that he's 80-something years old, with a pacemaker, and almost completely blind from glaucoma. So part of me says, I should cut him some slack and try to smooth things over. However, lest it be thought that he's a helpless elderly man sitting in a rocking chair, that's hardly the case: he has a GF of long standing, lots of friends, and they spend every winter in a condo they own down in Florida. So I'm a bit conflicted at times about how to handle the situation. I have not invited him to our new home yet and I am hoping that he doesn't one day demand to know why not! I have no idea how I'd handle THAT one!! There are two other grandsons in the picture (my LH's brother's children) who are 21 and 24 and do keep in contact with my FIL fairly regularly. Of course that adds fuel to the fire of why don't I and my son do the same! However, I happen to know that the main reason the other grandchildren do this is because of, um, let's just say an eventual financial reward. However my son and I just can't bring ourselves to be quite that mercenary. I agree though that it is better to let the s**t hit the fan - as it will if my son comes right out and says he would rather not keep in contact with his grandfather - as a result of being honest, than letting it do the same as a result of excuses resulting in nothing being done. The ironic thing is that I personally don't believe in making phone calls or giving gifts, out of nothing more than a sense of obligation. I've mentioned to my FIL in a light-handed way that when my son is away at college, he never calls ME unless he needs something, and that's just the way it is. And that it really does not bother me. My MIL used to DEMAND that her sons call her every Sunday without fail - and if they didn't she'd throw a spectacular sulky hissy fit; and I swore I'd never put a child of mine into the same position. I'd never want anyone to call, write, or give me anything unless it was done only because they wanted to do it... not because they were told to, or felt obligated to do so for any reason. Otherwise it is nothing but a meaningless gesture. But perhaps I am a bit odd about that. :-)

gardenandcats.....many years ago, after he changed his visitation, I tried numerous times to get him to understand how important it was for him to meet the kids on their level. He refused to do so. He had the decree amended to state that his visitation would be from noon on Saturday until 6 pm the same day. No holidays, no summer vacation time. I tried to get him involved with DS's school issues, he has dyslexia, but ex said DS would out grow it. ??????? He has a very weird way of seeing things. I would call him to let him know the kid's report card grades and such and was told that he was talking to me too much and didn't want to do that. It was like 4 times during a school year. I warned him of the repercussions that his type of fathering skills would have on the kids and their relationship with him. He told me that if they couldn't accept him the way he was that was their problem. DS hasn't seen him in about 3 years and EX said that that was ok, he might not like him now anyway. Meaning that EX might not like his son......He is an alcoholic and that mixed with his weird way of looking at things is really difficult to understand. My point though with the Christmas card is that if he is only going to contact them by mail twice a year then it would better if he didn't do it at all. It is difficult for them to accept him not wanting to try and make a relationship with them but it was nice when he would send them a little something on birthdays and Christmas. To stop doing that is just another jab at them, IMO, letting them know that he is removing them from his life. Plus the facts with his older daughter and her new step son. For him to reach out to this child while cutting off his own children is cruel. I won't tell the kids about it. So yes, I have told him, long ago, what a rotten dad he is. He thinks he is just fine and it is the kids that have the problem.

So much wrong information here. So, so much. First, the pension: I have the impression that the couple was married when the husband signed on for the pension. He almost certainly made his wife his beneficiary (person who collects if the pensioner dies). Beneficiary trumps everything else, including a will ... so if he never went back and changed it, the ex-wife could potentially be the automatic beneficiary. Also, the couple would have divided the pension along with their other marital assets. This doesn't mean it was split down the middle; sometimes, for example, sometimes a wife gives up rights to future pension benefits so she can have the house ... or sometimes promises that the husband keeps the lion's share of the pension, provided he pays for the kids' college ... or the couple could've agreed that since she stayed home and raised the children -- foregoing her own career -- that she gets the bigger share of his pension. Any of these things, or any number of other possibilities, could be true. Questions that need answering: - Who is the beneficiary? - What is in the divorce agreement? Then Social Security: An ex-wife can draw upon an ex-husband's account ... but one of the requirements is that she cannot have remarried. Any spouse can only draw 50% of the spouse's benefit ... so she'd have to compare this to her own benefit (she cannot draw her own benefit PLUS her spouse or ex-spouse's benefit -- it's an either-or proposition).

My son's greatest fear in his "I must be nice" is due to the fact the ex-DIL could fly off with the grandson and not return. I understand that. She has taken the grandson a couple times to Europe with her to visit her mother. She dumps grandson off there for 2 weeks while she travels around and enjoys herself then picks him back up, visits a day or two herself and then returns to the states. Grandson really hates this. Being stuck with someone he had never met, speaks little of his language, eats totally different foods than he is use to and won't allow him to call his father stating it cost to much. The other grandmother is kind to him and tries hard to bond with grandson, but the whole thing is upsetting to him. If the BM would remain with him during these visits at least the first few so they could get use to each other , but no, she can't be bothered. BM is a very selfish person and does not seems to have the ability to have empathy. Our fear is that grandson may be taken over there if ex-DIL gets too angry or things fail with new BF. So here I am , afraid to 'rock the boat' too strongly. I do think the above posters suggestions of trying to limit phone calls is the right direction, but I will have to talk to her at least once a week. Maybe texting would be best. Short messages which could be answered briefly in return without her thinking really I'm avoiding her. I do most the running back and forth for pick-ups so the new GF does not get stuck doing it. Grandson gets out of school at 1:30 on pick-up day and ex-DIL wants him picked up right away so she can be off doing her plans for 'her break' as she calls it. She would be 'best friends' with the GF if she could and bug the GF just as she does me. The one time the GF went to pick up grandson, BM had her come to the house, had made a late lunch and the GF really was put out listening to a couple of hours of BM rattle on and on. Bottomline, BM really needs to make a friend or two and instead she tries to go on as if we really will continue to be one big happy family including even the GF--we can all just be best friends. Sport games are usually on Sunday afternoon (Y sponsered) and I end up sitting with BM a few rows in front of son and GF, if not, then BM would be sitting with them. She invites us all out for dinner after which we decline. Then she pouts when son, GF, and either me or my husband and I take grandson out to eat without her and after drops off grandson, always running out and asking if we'd now like to come in for coffee. GF holds her own fairly well with BM if it's over the phone, but GF does not want to become best friends and for them to do non-parenting things together (shopping, lunch, ect). When BM called GF (not son, GF) to deliver 'rules' for bedtime, meals, acceptable activities, and whatnot the GF just listened but not agreeing. When son got home and told, he called BM and explained to her that those are the rules at BM's house but not the rules at his house and that she should talk to him. The more I think about this, I think it's time I have a long talk with ex-DIL and tell my son beforehand that I am going to. I don't think this all would be so hard to deal with if ex-DIL was born and raised in the states and we did not have to have the fear of her leaving the states with the grandson lurking in the background. None of us want to have a international custody battle and chance not being a part of the boy's life. Thanks for letting me unload.