First, I'm sorry you're being put in a situation where money/property inherited by you is causing so much explosion in your family.

Second, you could do several things about it. 1)Include in your will a set amount that you wish your stepchildren to receive...this is what they get and if they feel it is not 'fair' and/or enough to suit them, tough. 2) Leave them completely out of your will and face that is the end of your marriage or 3)tell them all that it is none of their business and inform all of them what is in your will is not something you care to discuss while you are still alive and able to enjoy your own inheritance.

Unless there is tight control/condition guidelines in your parents wills of that inheritance, laying out exact 'what hows and whens', you could also feel free to sell and/or spend every last dime while you still are alive and leave nobody anything.

Look at it this way. This is property and finances that your parents worked their whole life for (perhaps even left them by their parents). This part of cash and assets has nothing to do with what you and your husband have worked to accumulate and build together as a married couple, you are under no obligation to have to split this with his children that are not biologically yours.

If you decide to call it quits with the husband over this matter, please work very closely with your attorney to be absolute certain that this inheritance and any assets pre marriage are protected per your state laws of divorce and settlements.

it is written in my parents will that "the money is to be specifically used for and by their bloodlines", my parents unfortunately saw how rudely those kids behaved with me.
my hubby is well off in his own right, but ok not in that amount left by my parents.
i took care of the children since i was 20, i am 36 now and have worked for all those 16 years paying for their education, clothing and marriage and even housing. the SS and SD do not resent me, i have good relations with them. but i was forced into a marriage, which smoothed over because of my determination.
but i do have my BD to think of. the house we live in was a gift to me from my parents (this in included in the 2 mil. he wants them to have part ownership of this house as well.
maybe i am just venting, i guess its time for me to tell him the marriage is over, i am talking to my solicitor tonight. :( the Skids have stopped communicating with me an my BD, they were pretty rude to her during a run in at the shopping mall.
@justmeetoo thankyou so much for your understanding. it has helped me see reason. i was blinded by husband/skids/inlaws pressure.

Wow...from what you describe, I wouldn't leave those kids a nickel, even if there wasn't your parent's wishes to deal with. Who the hell are they to think the deserve ANY of your ancestors' money. Just the fact that they even bring it up says a lot about them....yikes.

"can my husband force me to give money to them"

From my limited amount of knowledge about inheritance and divorce law, you can do what you want with that, it is not in any way considered "community property", even if the will did not stipulate this. I asked a lawyer this when I first realized i was headed down the divorce path, because I too stand to inherit a significant amount of money once my father (in his 80's) passes, and i was concerned that since any divorce process takes time, and in NY you have to be legally separated for a year before it becomes final, that if my dad passed before this, she (my ex) would somehow be legally entitled to 1/2 of the inheritance. Not the case I was told. It is not considered a "marital asset", so there are no stipulations on how it must be treated.

Again, I'm not a lawyer, but that's what I was told, so take it for what it is.

Also, I'd seriously look at th

Dalda, Your parents have made their wishes be known.. I dont think it really matters how the SC treated you..Parents did not want them to have any part of their estate , so you should honor that..You can try to explain to DH thats how they wanted it, not much you can do if DH forces the issue all the way to divorce. My parents also set up only their children would inherit, and our children, not any of our spouses, even tho they had no ill will against any of them..Thats just the way they wanted it. Dont feel guilty.

I'm in a semi-similar situation with assets inherited from my parents -- though my husband has NO presumption that his kids (who were never rude or hateful to me) should benefit from those assets. What we did in our wills was basically split our assets into 3 piles: mine, his and ours. His being pre-marriage, mine being pre-marriage plus inheritance, ours being post-marriage. His goes to his kids, who will also inherit from their mother. Mine goes to my kids, one of whom will also inherit from his father. Our kid together inherits from each of us. This arrangement seems perfectly fair to both of us, and was what our lawyer also suggested as being typical -- even though my kids will inherit substantially more than his kids. That's just the way it is...

It is good that you are talking to your lawyer -- you should get all of your LEGAL advice from him/her, as it may be different from state to state.

Your parents and grandparents owe(d) your stepchildren NOTHING. They owed YOU nothing, but chose to leave their estates to you, their daughter, and to their biological granddaughter. That's how inheritances have worked since the beginning of time and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. They were clear about that to your husband, and he appeared to accept it at the time. I imagine this topic was addressed plainly during the negotiations for your marriage?

So assuming that legally, you have a right to keep this inheritance in your own bloodlines, MORALLY, you have no obligations to do anything else. Not even the smallest moral obligation to these kids. You've paid for food, clothing, education and weddings. Any parental obligations you may feel you have to them have been more than adequately fulfilled. Now they're fighting over dessert that doesn't even belong to them.

Don't let them guilt you into diminishing the assets that are your daughter's birthright.

And for what? To put a temporary bandage on a rough marriage that may not last (or be happy even if it technically lasts) either way? To make rude and spoiled adult stepkids happy for a few days? Not worth it in my book! You're 36 and economically self-sufficient. You have a career and a daughter who is old enough not to require daycare. You don't need any husband making you less happy than you would be without him, and HE needs to be told that he can live with the original agreement, or if he finds his cushy life intolerable, that he can pack his clothes and leave.

Stay your course. First of all, your Step children should have NO say in whatever the inheritance is, let alone the gift from your parents to you and their grand children. Your parental responsibility is only about providing for them while they are young. They should stay out of the game. If they want assets they can work and save their money like many of us do.

Secondly, your H should respect the wish of your parents and understand the baggages we all bring to the 2nd marriage. If he does not then perhaps you have married the wrong man.

Thirdly, you should put all of the inherited properties in to a LIVING TRUST, in which you are the sole trustee, with the trust passed on to whomever you specify. Be careful, because in some cases, local laws might allow the husband access to the assets in the case of a divorce or death. The normal WILL can be challenged in court. But the living trust written well cannot be. So it might be wise to spend about $2,000 to get an estate lawyer to do just that.

I am keenly aware of your situation as my late wife left her retirement and life insurance to me. I structured a living trust so that all would go to my children. After being married again, I modify the trust to give 1/2 of the house to my now wife and some additional cash for her living. My current wife got upset but I explained to her that if we both die in a car accident, and I happen to die 5 minute before she, all of my assets will automatically transferred to her and then to her children. My chidren will be left out cold. I was ready to move on if she still disagrees. Interestingly or perhaps sadly, I had dated a beautiful woman who wanted all off my assets to her if I die. Of course, I left her shortly after hearing her intention. Did she love me or my money? It was clear.

What justification your H and his children have in terms of YOUR ASSETS?

My dh absolutely knows that my life insurance is set to go to him. BUT... if something is to happen to us together or he before me.... then it's my three kids get 30% each and my ss gets 10%. I didn't have to give my ss anything but I did because I love him. This is not always the case with everyone though... I totally understand your case.

thankyou all so much for the comments. i talked to my lawyer last night, and he told me to put it in a living trust fund (thankyou shakti2574.

i have already setup the process as of yesterday. me and DH are plainly heading for a divorce. we have already tried marriage counselling, so its not going to work out.

last night we had the biggest fight of our 16 years life. i was called selfish, uncaring, spoilt, rich, and am trying to break up our family by my pride..yada yada! according to him as they have spent most of their lives in this house and has their fondest memories here, they should always have a part of it.

so i simply took my last stance and told H to get out of the house (the house is my ancestral home!!!)he went out to meet his son n daughter.

i am changing the locks tonight as i type (its 11 pm!!) and just got off the phone with my divorce lawyer. my DD14 was shocked and is very upset with her fathers behaviour for the past 4 months (aka since after reading of the will). she said daddy you love them more then us and only love mommy for the money. in a way it is true, in my marriage it has always been me 60-him 40 financially. while i graduated and worked during the first years of marriage i was the one who paid for all his kids needs, i guess i let them walk all over me.
the best news is according to the div lawyer as i have already paid for their other needs in the past years, i do not have to pay H for any settlement! i type with a light heart now. am so relieved. lets see what happens tomorrow, will keep u guys posted :D prayers!

Good luck, sounds like you are probably making the right decision....not an easy one of course.

Just curious, the step sons, you said they are 23 and 25...are they self-sufficient, or at least on the way? Or are they leaching off their parents still? That could be a big reason for their outrage...they've been [foolishly] banking on that inheritance.

step son 23, is doing his masters, step daughter 25 got married this year. hubby pays for part of step sons education & expenses(which i agree he should). step kids are pretty good kids, we have had our differences, but they are just not mine. i finally have a little breathing space now that they are out of my house.
Todays drama:
so hubby came back this morning. he apologised and then we had another fight as i said i still have not changed my mind.
I told him I am looking for divorce and things got very ugly. I reminded him that he has to move out, he said he cant has his house is being rented out to SD25 and her husband. I said it is not my concern where they live.
his reasons are these
1. As step kids know this as their home since they were 7 and 9, they should be able to call it their home forever. (I said: they can call it their home as long as hubby lives in this house, I have no responsibility towards them anymore)
2. As their inheritance does not amount as much as DD14s amount (as DD14 shall inherit my money and his money) he does not seem its fair to them, ( I said but it is not their fathers or mothers money to inherit)
3. he tells me they WERE rude to me before as they were kids, now that they have moved out I should not have a grudge against them (I said I do not have any grudges,
4. he says as it is my money now and I already have it in hand I can break my parents and grandparents wishes and I should leave them something as their step mother and main caregiver for the past 16 years ( I reminded him when my parents told him that the money was not supposed to be used on the step kids and only in their bloodlines he agreed to them verbally)
5. he says the step kids need the money more then DD14 ass SS23 needs to finish his masters and SD25 is pregnant and I as I earn enough (I told him that it is the parents duty to provide for their kids, they are not my kids and I shall not slave for them anymore)
6. I am letting him and them down
7. As SS still has his room in the house, he has rights over my house (I told him to remove them or I will chuck it out)
I told him I am looking for divorce and things got very ugly. I reminded him that he has to move out, he said he cant has his house is being rented out to SD25 and her husband. I said it is not my concern where they live.
Then he went out and talked to his lawyer and learnt that things were still not going his way, as my parents will states it, he can not get his hands on the house or money, he was more irritated. Came back and learnt that I have changed the locks. not a great day for him

Wow, dalda....YOU DO NOT PLAY AROUND! Good going for sticking to your guns.

Good for you, dalda!

Not sure which on the above list I found more of an attempt to play on guilt and hope dalda is a foolish weak person, but the most pathetic one above was :

--"4. he says as it is my money now and I already have it in hand I can break my parents and grandparents wishes and I should leave them something as their step mother and main caregiver for the past 16 years ( I reminded him when my parents told him that the money was not supposed to be used on the step kids and only in their bloodlines he agreed to them verbally)"--

He's not even a man of his word. Dalda, don't trust a single thing he says to you verbally per parenting plans concerning your DD14 for after the divorce. Do it all through attorney negotiations and get it all in writing, signed, and court approved.

Good luck to you and I hope you find happiness. You're young, intelligent, a hard worker...you'll do just fine.

1. The home forever for the step children. I guess the step children are welcome home for the holidays or when they might have a short term needs, but your home should not be understood as their home to sell and share the assets. Your home is from your parents and thus it will be passed on to whomever you choose.
2. Their (SS & SD) inheritance will not be as much as your son and that is not fair. Well, life is not always fair, if life is fair than why can you and I not share in the billion of warren buffet?. Your son will inherit his dad and your assets, and your step children will inherit their bio mom and dad's assets. Sorry, that is just the way it is.
3.
4. It is your money and you can break your parent's wish. Yes, you can but why should you?
5. The step kids need more money now. Well, the step parent should not be expected to support the step children after the highschool age. Out of your own goodness, you can give them something but that should not be from a point of guilt and force. Many bio parents do not support their adult kids.
7. You are letting him and his children down. Well, sorry buddy, it is they that let themselves down. Why do they expect inheritance from the step parent side?

It is so sad that your H let the money be the source of the impending divorce. He is utterly selfish and unreasonable. Perhaps he is not the right partner for you.

If his son needs to finish his masters, he should pay for it or his parents should help him. and the daughter is pregnant? So she has a husband to pay for THEIR child. What is wrong with this man? I agree, believe NOTHING he says. If he made verbal promises (like wedding vows & what he told your parents) and now he wants to break his word... no, he wants YOU to break YOUR word.

and I think everything said here is true whether these kids liked you or not, whether they were rude to you or not.... I would say the same thing, even if they were your own bio kids that you adore... it's YOUR money to do with what YOU want. You inherited it & if you want to spend every last dime or leave it to the animal shelter... it's YOUR money. Period.

More drama:
So for the past two days my MARRIAGE has disintegrated completely.
Yesterday soon-to-be-x-hubby, SS23 n SS25 n DD14 and I sat in the morning to have the final discussion. I started off by saying I am sorry but I am not open to conversation about my inheritance. Me n hubby notified all 3 children that we are indeed divorcing and I have already started the proceedings.
So I asked if there was anything from me or this house that is their FATHERS and their MOTHER�s then they are welcome to it, please make a list and I shall be giving it to them right now.
Among other things SD25 wanted my grandmothers pearls as she wore them quite a few times (I told her hell no!)
I have given them a months� notice to take out all of their things, with the clause that me and my lawyer shall be present while they move out.
I asked why hubby thinks that I have to give money to my step kids. He said I should give them something as a token of my "love towards them" (hell my love for them have worn off!!) . And at this point SS23 and SD25 both said "we cant believe that all those years you didn�t think us as yours." I politely said, in those years I thought they were but now I do not anymore. And I thought that spending my salary since I was 21 on them was enough. They do not need any more money from me. As they have repeatedly told me in the past years that I am not their mother.
Hubby said, as SS23 needs more money to finish off his education he should be allotted a little money, I said he can get a student loan like normal people (hey even I had a student loan, which I paid off only 3 years ago at 33 years old!!)
And as SD25 is pregnant, I should give a gift to the grandchild. I said unfortunately, that grandchild is not mine.
DD14 said asked why mummy should give SS23 money as she will need it for her future education (she is planning for biochemistry).
So hubby ss23 sd25 have threatened me with slapping a law suit against me as I had good contact with them over the years and that way they can contest my will, I reminded them that I am not dead yet.
At night hubby called and said as I am being irrational, and it wouldn�t hurt me a little bit leaving them money (he makes me feel as if I am in my deathbed!). he said, as I don�t have to share with my sister (my sister was given the same amount of money from our parents), why cant I share it with my family? I just got mad and slammed the phone down
Note: I have never adopted the step kids, as they always had good contact with their mother and father, we saw it not being needed.
The worst thing is now DD14 feels like she�s been abandoned by her father. But I am sticking to my guns!

It is so strange that your H is insisting on the the money from your inheritance. Someone has fed something in his and his bio children's brain. They wanted so much entitlement and little appreciation.

It appears that your H is applying the GUILT on you. Oh well.

You are right about contesting the will. one, you are not dead YET. two, step children have no legal claims to the step parents' assets, even they were raised from birth. They could raise claim to their own bio parents if there is NO WILL in place frm the BIO parent. Three, if the assets were in a trust and nothing much they can do.

"a token of your love toward them". I think your H is full of BS. You have been supporting them over these years and if that is not enough then so BE IT. Now they see money and want more for nothing.

Dalda, I think you are doing the right thing by holding your ground, esp about your parents' inheritance. They (your H and his children) have no legal and moral grounds in your own inheritance and how you want to distribute it. If your H wants to leave his children a large sum of money as his own legacy then he can EASILY do so, by buying a life insurance policy. If your H thinks you need to leave some money to them as a token of love then how about $1,000 for each. Is that a token enough ? Of course not. They want more than that. Pure GREED.

This is an issue with 2nd marriages. We all come in w baggages from a previous chapter and we have to make sure the H and W discuss the expectation up front.

The woman whom I dated and left, tried to hint to me that her XH and she wanted their D12 to go to Harvard (and they had saved NOTHING for college), implying that I will need to help to pay for that $50,000 per year for her, while my own children are paid for state colleges only (my late wife and I haved saved for years and years for their education). I quickly reminded her that her d's education is not mine to worry about. OMG, this woman went on a rage, and reminded me every other week about how I planned on separate her and her D from my family. Then she even wanted me to leave her all of my assets including my late wife's 401K and her life insurance to her (because I was an old and sick man and she would have to take care of me). Oh well, I solved the problem by looking deeply in her eyes one day and said "GOOD BYE". I have been happy ever since.

Dalda, I am so sorry that you are going through this. At the same time, it is probably better that your soon-to-be-ex husband and stepkids true colors are showing now rather than later.

If I were you, I'd move family jewelry into a safe deposit box - today, and immediately start locking down finances if you have not done so already. With the incredible sense of entitlement they all seem to be showing, if they cannot get money one way they may try another.

Just for the record, I'm a stepdaughter on both sides - and I cannot imagine expecting that either stepparent leave their family money to me. If one or both wanted to leave me a token bequest (something small that I'd associate with them) that would be lovely, but not an expectation.

"...and that way they can contest my will, I reminded them that I am not dead yet. "

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh well, I solved the problem by looking deeply in her eyes one day and said "GOOD BYE". I have been happy ever since."

Wise choice!

Have you tried the simple explanation to your soon-to-be-Ex that diverting assets from your daughter to his kids would be dishonoring your parents' explicit wishes? Because it's true. What he is asking of you is not only illogical and selfish, it's going against the terms of your inheritance. That going against your parents' wishes would compromise your own character, and that you're offended he would even ask you to do that.

Not that I think you should even consider taking him back...

And why can't HE help pay for his son's education? That is, if he's so firm that his adult son shouldn't invest in his own future?

Sorry, but your s-t-b-Ex sounds like a foolish and selfish man, and I suspect you will be much better off without him.

dear shakti, mattie, kroopy and sweeby, thankyou for telling me i am not being selfish or am going insane! this forum is better then therapy!! shakti..i love the way u say goodbye :D thubms up!

and mattie,i have a stepbro from my moms 2nd marriage. we get along like a house on fire. maybe because our parents got married when we were mature adults (me 24, him 35).my mom left him something as well and thats whats criping the hubby more. i dont have a problem as my mom dearly loved him and he took care of my mom and stepfather as they lived with him. oh this is no complicated. i just took a weeks leave and am hugging a very distraught DD14 every 5 mins more for my comfort then hers!!

i have tried, im not an angel but i have tried, there are some snapping points to a persons life. hubby expected my will to mirror his.i made my first will around 4 months ago after i received the inheritance. and the 1st comment he made after he read a copy of the will was something like, "great, SS25's baby can now have a safe future." when we start fighting he starts off by saying my mom left thousands to her non-blood SS so why did she have to make sure i cant give my Skids?". yeah i guess i married a looser.

early today was s-t-b-x-h's 50th birthday, i asked DD14 to wish him and get him a gift but shes a no budge. right now she thinks she hates him, and thats not what i want. i want her to have her relationship RIGHT with her father even though i will be the evil ex wife. im just confused

right now my 1st priority is my daughter. no matter how hard this divorce is going to be on me, i guess it will be harder on her. she has been distraught for the past 4 months from her fathers behavior (she overheard s-t-b-x-h n skids back talking!) right now she cant stand him and wants him out of the house asap. im trying to convince her that even though we get a divorce he is still her father and that he loves her and she should keep in touch with him not matter what. she didnt go to to school for two weeks and this week her teacher said that she was found crying in the girls washroom. my poor baby.

Be very careful;
the fact that he called you "irrational" may mean he's thinking of getting you declared incompetent to get control of your assets.

I wish you the best.

" "great, SS25's baby can now have a safe future." when we start fighting he starts off by saying my mom left thousands to her non-blood SS so why did she have to make sure i cant give my Skids?". yeah i guess i married a looser. "

dalda, I think your H's statements are reflections of pure greed. I guess he and his bio children saw the money coming to you and became jealous and greedy. That is so sad and so selfish. I think we all are jealous at times of others' inheritance or wind-fall profit, but we have to temper our jealousy with reasons and moral courage.

I also think the demand of the inheritance probably has been simmered for awhile in their mind, and now finally come up to the surface with the assets coming to you. People don't just one day say things like the above quote. The seed was planned for some time already.

My advice to you is to put the assets into the trust rather quickly so that there will be no discussion or legal issue if you were to die tomorrow. Think also of the scenario where you and your child die together in an accident, then where the assets would go.

The reason I bring this up because if you and your bio child happen to be in an accident and it deems that you die 5 minutes before the D, then all the assets will pass onto the D and then to her heir - in this case the DAD.

Most people in a blended family don't think that far, which could result in losing the assets to un-intended beneficiaries. For example, a husband and a wife die together and if the husb die 5 minutes before then the H's assets will be passed on the W and then to her own children. If her children are minor, then guess who will have access to all of the H's assets -- HER X-Husband. Why? Because he will be the de-facto legal guardian of her children and thus has the rights to withdraw $ to support her children , including buying his own house, car .....

In that scenario, his own bio children will have NOTHING, not a dime.

Hope my explanations have given some additional impetus to do things quick and properly.

Namaste

PS: now with a trust you can change thing with a simple addendum. For example, if after your D is grown and you don't want to leave your H poor then you can add a page which says "leaving so and so to my H".

I have already transferred the money in a trust fund with me as the living trustee and sister as the after my death, added with the same clauses as my parents had added (but told DD14 that if she has step kids and likes them, she can do whatever she wants)!

i also have applied for the "much needed" divorce, H is well off on his own earnings. i do not have to pay alimony rather he has to pay child support as DD14 was still dependant on him. and as he has no right to my trust, i really dont care what or how he lives any more, poor or rich. i have had enough of his greed and using me.

H is fighting the divorce like a girl (i have had tears and tantrums and methods of guilt). in the end i just said, look it isnt working out for me, and i cant take it any more of taking care of you three.
funny thing is, i still admire H for not abandoning his children at any cost.

as my sister and step brother and best friend keep reminding me, im just 36, i might want to retire to Hawaii when i am 65!

am now going through therapy for DD14 as shes severely depressed and can not stand her father.

The Tao has a saying that goes:

"You gain by losing ....".

You are right by seeking help for your d, to have someone to talk to and clear out issues.

It looks like you are taking action steps. That is good.

I am still surprised at your H's reaction toward the money, after 16 years of marriage. My feeling is that he was pressured by his children about the (YOUR) inheritance. Or perhaps this is something that has simmered for awhile about the money.

In any events, move on.

I am so impressed by your clear-headed thinking and decisive action! So many people wallow around in the 'but I love him' quicksand for years...

Good for you Dalda! And on to brighter horizons --

So sorry you are going through this but am very glad you have seen the light and ending the marriage. Life is strange to say the least. When I married my husband he wanted to leave one on his properties to his children, which was fine with me. After 33 years of marriage and seeing how his kids treated me and him, he had a clear conscience when he left it all to me. I was worried his kids would try to claim some of it, but my lawyer said when my husband died it legally became mine. They would be laughed out of court if they pursued that action. My children have never been rude or mean to me, but they just neglected me unless they needed money. So my heir is a small college in my husband's home town. No guilt for me either.

Awesome! Thanks for coming back and updating. I wasn't part of the original thread but came upon this after your update. Wishing you much happiness!

Wow! What an amazing story. Thanks for sharing and especially coming back with a great update.