Sunny,

I was in a similar sitution a few years ago except I had not married him - yet!

He lived at home with his parents because he paid child support and over $40,000 in credit card bills.

It was the same thing with the kid asking for more and more stuff and him giving it to her. I tried to work this out BEFORE we were married because I am not supporting someone elses kid or their ex's. When she wanted something her mommy would have her call her dad crying and he would get it for her. I tried to have a talk with him and I actually fiquired out how much child support he paid and how much more he had to go. The numbers were mind blowing to me. I explained to him that due to these numbers I had hoped that we would not be expected to fund school or be buying a car. His reply was he was going to help her financially any way he could. Well not with my money honey! He basically was so broke that he lived with his parents and wanted to move in with me. I was not going to support someone. If he could not afford to have his own place now he would not be able to afford to live with me. I was also not going to deal with the momma drama AND pay for things the mom should have saved for with the money she was getting.

I am sorry I do not have any advice to give you since you are already married. I do no know how you feel and I am glad that I ran like h*ll. Mr. wonderful found someone to marry him and they had a big wedding. I am sure that was funded by Mrs. wonderful. I wish her luck supporting him and his previous wife and daughter lol.

As for your sitution healthcare is very expensive if you have to pay for it on your own. Home repairs the same thing. I am not sure how you have your budget set up but can you rewrite it and each of you get some "free money". If little Suzy and her mommy need something it has to come from his free money?

Again, I know the frustration. I am sorry.

I agree with Ima. What exactly does his child support order dictate? In addition to c/s, does it say he must pay half of extra-curriculars, etc?

Whatever it says is what he obviously (and it sounds like he DOES) needs to do.

As far as extras go, that is where I second what Ima said---if he wants to get a 2nd job or something to pay for those extra expenses, then fine. But it's not fair for him to let those extras affect your financial situation. He needs to live within his means.

what I'm curious about is why isnt't the ex working? If she's living off of what you send her then it must be one whopping maintenance he's paying. Sounds odd to me.

"what I'm curious about is why isnt't the ex working? If she's living off of what you send her then it must be one whopping maintenance he's paying. Sounds odd to me."

I don't see what's odd about that? My mom never worked after she and my dad divorced. (She had not worked since I was 2, though. She does have two masters degrees, though!) Her alimony was maybe 5 or 6 K a month and it lasted for 7 years...she also got a lump sum at the time of the divorce.

It happens all the time when the husband is the primary (or sole) "breadwinner."

OK maybe my choice of words was wrong...Obscene better describes how I feel...that an able bodied person is awarded that much money it affords her to stay at home...hell, most people I know in this economy especially can't afford that luxury..just because someone is the "primary" bread winner it doesn't give another person a right to exploit that...it sickens me. but I guess that's the way the system works.

I think it all depends on the situation, though. We don't know what the situation is with this man and his ex-wife.

In my mom's case, she taught highschool English for about 5 years, but then when I was 2 and my dad finished grad. school, they decided it would better for her to stay home. Then my brother was born and she was home raising us for the next however many years.

If a husband and a wife decide that she is going to forgo her career to raise the children and be a homemaker, and then they get divorced---well, I can see how the courts see that a woman is entitled to alimony. After all, one can argue that were it not for the wife's support, the husband might not have been as successful in his career. I know lots of women that work, like my mom did, to help put their husbands through college and beyond. Yes, I believe women (or men!) that do that, are entitled to spousal support. If that spousal support is enough to live off, then so be it.

cindy, some people are like that. My DH's ex got married 13 years ago. Her husband filed for divorce 12 years ago & has been paying temporary support (spousal & child) for the last 12 years. She has not worked a real job in 12 years and lived with her mom... then some guy until he evicted her... then back to her mom.... then my DH, until he moved her out... then back to her mom... now, she's been with her current BF for a little over a year. He wants her to get a job, she doesn't want to... she has her spousal/child support to get by on. She still hasn't finalized the divorce with her husband either, which I find even more bizarre. She may be back with her mom soon anyways! She gets a whopping $1200 a month!

I think spousal support awards are becoming less common, but I do think child support should be used exclusively for the support of the child..If BMs dont work and live off child support, they are taking away from the childs standard of living, on what was meant to be solely theirs..I dont like to see BM smoking 40 dollars of child support up every week..40.00 better saved for his college, if she can spend that much of his CS money on herself, she should earn it herself....

"..If BMs dont work and live off child support, they are taking away from the childs standard of living, on what was meant to be solely theirs"

I agree completely.

"..If BMs dont work and live off child support, they are taking away from the childs standard of living, on what was meant to be solely theirs"

Well said --

Maybe you could draw up a household budget that can illustrate where the money's going. That might be a diplomatic way to broach the topic of how much of each of your individual income should go to support your joint household, and how much discretionary income you each have leftover.

This situation said X also recieves spousal support. In which case it may be enough to support her. And then really isnt current wife's business. That is a good idea for OP to discuss her budget with her DH - I think that is always a good idea.

"This situation said X also recieves spousal support. In which case it may be enough to support her. And then really isnt current wife's business."

It isn't current wife's business IF it (spousal support) is enough to support ex wife. Obviously, IT ISN'T. If she needs extra money (above child support) from OP's husband, she isn't making it without working. When OP's husband is sending so much of his income to his ex that he can't support himself and relies on his wife to take care of him, in my opinion, the wife is supporting his ex too. It affects her then. If it doesn't affect her, then NO, it's none of her business. That's why I suggest he get another job or tell his ex no... then he will be pulling his own weight and it won't affect his wife. Then she can't really complain.

Wow, extra things frequently arent covered by CS. Its not clear to me that mom isnt using all the CS for child, and may be covering some but not all of extras. There is no evidence that mom is using CS to live on.

I do think that there are certain times when, yes, even if a dad IS paying child support, he should contribute something extra towards a larger expense. As kids get older, especially, big things come up--school trips, camps, etc--and I think if a dad is in any way able to do so, he should at least split the cost of extras that enrich his child(ren)'s life.

I do not think that he should pay for extras, though, if it severely compromises his budget. If he gives BM money for "extras" and then doesn't have enough to pay his mortgage, or utilities, or whatever---well, then, that's him not living within his means.

I think it is also all about moderation and expectations on BM's part, too. It's one thing to have the occasional thing come up that necessitates some scrambling to come up with the funds. But if BM is continually asking her ex for money for this sport or that, this medical expense or that....and he's struggling to do it all, that's not really fair.

I do think that if BM can live off spousal support (and use c/s soley for the children) there is nothing wrong with that.

I would be interested, OP, in learning what some of these extra expenses are. Does BM just ask for extra money all the time? Are there specific things she needs money for? What are the c/s specifications in their court papers?

Maybe I was too nice back then...I forfeited my right to spousal support because I knew it would put a tremendous strain on my ex's finances and that would have an adverse affect on his relationship with our children. The child support went to the children and it did also help to pay for our apartment after we vacated the marital home. I only wanted what was best for my children.

Cindy, that was very generous and good of you. It sounds like you definitely had the best of intentions and truly did what you felt was best for your children.

But I also don't think that a woman who does choose to accept spousal support is wrong, by any means.

In my mom's case, my dad makes a lot, lot of money. So it was not really a drop in the bucket for him to pay her an alimony amount that allowed her to support herself. I have to say, I think my dad was pretty darn fair to my mom when they divorced. She is an alcoholic (sober for 7 yrs now) and had been drinking for about 8 yrs when they divorced. He really still cared about her, just couldn't mentally handle living with her, or having me and my brother affected on a daily basis. We had seen her go to countless treatment centers around the country, but then she would come home and go on binges for days at a time. She was not a social, happy drunk--she was the lock herself in the closet, drink 2 bottles of vodka, down some valium and pass out kind! It was pretty bad. :( But he never wanted to punish her and I never once heard him complain about having to pay alimony, nor do I think he thought it was wrong of her to take it.

Every situation is different, though.

In OP's case, if BM is not working, she is not contributing to her child's support. I am assuming she gets spousal support from someone else, not OP's DH. If she wants to live off that, fine. But she should be contributing to her kids' support before she asks for him to pay for extras.

Yes, I believe women (or men!) that do that, are entitled to spousal support. If that spousal support is enough to live off, then so be it.

Yes, I know several women who did that, including my very best friend, and do you know what problem is with that?

Unless the divorce occurs fairly close to retirement age or past, spousal support usually only lasts just so long, and as in the case of the OP, sounds like the child support payments are going to stop when the children become of age. And what then?

As much as I love my best friend, she's now working for about 50 cents above the minimum wage, in the deli of her local supermarket. Her oldest daughter's divorced and is allowing her to live with her right now--to help take care of her kids, clean the house and of course, contribute pretty much everything she makes to her daughter's household. But it looks like the daughter may be remarrying soon, and they'll be combining families so there won't be any room for my best friend.

My friend doesn't make enough to afford an apartment, and rather than burden any of her daughters even with knowledge, would probably live in the streets. And knowing her, she would probably further tell her daughters that living in the streets was her lifelong desire that she was finally getting to fulfill.

So sure, guess you can, but usually only for so long.

suny,

My husband and I paid far more in child support than ever mandated by the courts, all kinds of extras, and every single piece of clothing they owned, I bought them.

Yes, for a while, I was paying far more than him to support our household, however, I also didn't have any kids of my own,and had absolutely nothing better to do with my money.

One time though, BM wanted to change their vacation plans with us after we had already bought their nonrefundable plane tickets, and I was not about to waste the money to buy them new ones. It wasn't even the money so much, it was the fact this woman actually had the arrogance to just expect she could waste MY money for her own personal convenience.

So I sat down and scheduled out our respective income and all our bills and showed my husband exactly how the math worked out, and just how much more I was contributing.

And once he saw it in black and white, he called BM and told her the only way we would agree is if she bought them the new plane tickets herself. She kept to the original schedule.

Maybe it would help if you did the same with your husband?

Sunny, I think you should factor in what you would have to pay for insurance and the repairs, subtract that from what you're contributing and see what the ratio is. Also would be interested in how many years he will have to pay that much.

All of our income goes into one account except that we each get an 'allowance' that we spend for whatever we want. Possibly he would feel differently about giving his ex additional money if it was only coming out of 'his' money. The bottom line is would you feel the same way if on down the line you decide to not work and let him do the supporting. Also the retirement $$, will it be as out of kilter as the income is now or will his be more than yours? I totally understand YOU not wanting to support the ex and then give extra for for the kids if he's already paying a generous amount of CS.

There are always givers and takers and it sounds like the ex is a taker. When I divorced I didn't want, ask for, or get alimony. I also left the house that was paid for with him, along with more than half the furniture. He managed to hide the money we had so I didn't get a penny of that. The judge did award me half the value of the house but I didn't know that would be the case when I left it with him. I had a difficult time even getting CS but I made it fine and wouldn't have THOUGHT of asking him for anything extra ~ wouldn't have gotten it anyway.

"Yes, I know several women who did that, including my very best friend, and do you know what problem is with that?

Unless the divorce occurs fairly close to retirement age or past, spousal support usually only lasts just so long, and as in the case of the OP, sounds like the child support payments are going to stop when the children become of age. And what then?"

Disengaging,

What happened to your friend is sad--but kind of shows a lack of planning on her part. She was obviously living "paycheck" to "paycheck." (or spousal support payment to spousal support payment!)

I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with living off of spousal support but if you know you are not going to have any income or money in the bank when it ends--then you had better plan accordingly.

OP says " My husband pays so much spousal and child support that he barely has enough to live on. "

Ima, I think you must have mis-read this acording to your response.

"I am assuming she gets spousal support from someone else, not OP's DH."

my bad

I still stand by the fact that she isn't working so she isn't contributing to the support of her child, regardless of where the spousal support comes from.

Right or wrong or whatever, it sounds like the little one just won't get "extras" if Dad doesn't come up with the funds.

I've been in some shoes very similar to the ones that are pinching OP, & the only possibility I can suggest is spilling one's guts to the spouse & trying to work out a system where OP & spouse can agree on a program that they both find equable.

Get it out in the open & get it taken care of;
feeling used will kill all the joy in any relationship.

You really need to put it all on paper and get it out of your system with DH. I was the kid who's step-brother new shoes all the time and SD paid all kinds of CS. I lived with him and did without. You resent the "extras" your kids are going to resent his kids and nothing good will come of it except his Ex got to yank your chain. Don't let DH feel like he isn't pulling his own weight but that you and him are a team and you have to share the good and the bad. If you don't have enough to spread between your kids and his evenly as possible then something has to give.

The dad shouldn't have to pay for extras that the ex wife picks out. Only go by what's in the court order. To do otherwise, is allowing the ex wife to raid your budget. Since you are the breadwinner, you have every right to be upset by this.

I was resent for supporting my husband at the beginning of the relationship..its almost destroyed my marriage...i went for a few sessions of counciling..which really didnt' help.
In the end..i began to relaly keep separate finance with him.
We always had separate but i would always fork more out...
now i make sure we pay half and half on the bills...i took back all the cash i bailed him out before we married. And when it comes to any bills with his kids i leave it up to him...extras..he pays but he pays bit by bit to budget himself. Ex wife complains..but too bad. That is our budget..she's lucky she's evne getting any extra for the kids...becasue he is tight and i'm not a bank account. I felt so resentful for a while.
To save myself and my marriage i spoke with him..and reminded him that before we got married that expenses...such as gas especially was his responsibility for his kids...( the cost is ALOT to pick them up...its a 3 hour drive...soo...hefty onthe gas) i stopped paying the gas ..that is his responsibility..
The only thing i still pay is xmas gifts....which i've cut down onthose as well...but one thing hit me this year...he bought nothing for his daughter...and i mena nothing....i paid for all her gifts..which next year this will have to change..
There are times i just feel like a mother...and not a wife..nto a partner..
Especially when it comes to birthdays..or xmas... i know why he is holding back on that...i understand.
He feels used. Unappreciated. He gives , he gives, extra...and then they drop him on his weekends...they say its boring..etc...they skip out on father day gifts on year.. Last year they made up for it.
But youknow..after a while...the scars are left and you just cannot forget..so as much as he loves his kids. He also resents them.The key is to not let it control you.
Tell you husband...he wants to give extra?? not your money...tell him to go work more and give if he wants to do that.
I make sure the bills in our household, food, rent is taken out first...anything else he will have to manage what is left...
Its sad but that is reality.
You must talk with your husband. Spell it out onpaper..ihave a book where i write all the bills coming in and how we split it inour household.
He must pay his share....your not a bank account.Sure you support your husband....but not his exwife! NO WAY!...
I made sure my finances would be separate...so no money goes to his ex or actually his kids. Unless i want it to. By my own accord..not be forced.
This is why you feel resentful. Because he is taking your portion to cover his butt from ex and his kids. No way...i would never allow that.
Dont care if the kids hate me.....woldnt' want anyone around me who hated me anyways...so no loss there....lol
I'm lucky that my sk dont hate me..but i do wish were closer..but thanks for mom..that will never happen.

Cyndi

I think people should discuss stuff like this before they get married. Honestly I cannot afford supporting a man. And I don't want anyone to support me either. It is OK to share and help each other but supporting another grown healthy human being, no thanks. If he has nothing to live on, I'd rather not get entangled with him. This information should be disclosed before marriage is consumated.

I have met a guy once who told me he has 3 children from different women (only one he was married to) and he had to pay child support to all three of them. Then he had enormous debt on top of everything. I am not sure he paid spousal support or not. He lived in a studio in a very bad area so it was very cheap (kind of area I wouldn't even go visit let alone live there). Since it was a studio he could not bring all 3 kids at once so kids had to take turns. That was all he could afford. he was pretty excited to find that i have decent job and don't live in a slum and have only one child. ha. He told me all that on a second date. I was greateful for that.

i think if you want to have that many children and cannot maintain a relationship with their mothers then you end up in a financial turmoil and have to deal with the consequences.

There was a time when I was married and X wasnt happy at work. I said if he wanted to go back to school for a second professional degree, which would open more opportunities, I would support us. He didnt take my offer up, but I think he realized I was sincere. Later his business was not doing well, and for about a year, I more than caarried my share. I think it depends on situtation, and the most important things are communication and honesty. FD, thank god that guy was honest with you.

Finedreams,
I so agree with you. I really dont know how people get married and not have that conversation.

As I posted above when my ex told me he was going to do whatever he could possible to help his daughter and he was living at home with hugh amounts of debt I could clearly see he ment with my money. I am way to strong of a person to buy the little angel a puppy because she is crying on the phone and mommy told her to call dad and have him buy it. I am also not supporting another women.

With that being said I am glad that was the way it was and it was clearly shown to me. It saved me alot of money and a divorce.