My husband doesn't like my adult son.

20 years ago

I'm new to this message board - and remarriage - and hoped someone with some experience could give me some good advice. I have been married for a year and a half to a wonderful man. We get along SO well and are best friends. I had been divorced for about 14 years and his wife was killed in a car accident 6 years ago. We each have two children ranging in ages from 19 to 25. None of the children have lived with us. Here's the problem, though. The youngest of our children is my son, who is 19. He went to college this last year and ended up flunking out. He came to stay with us for the summer (he has lived with his father in a different state) and has been working. The problem is that my husband doesn't really like my son. I personally don't think he has good reason to dislike him, but he thinks his reasons are valid. My husband isn't rude or unkind to my son, but he seldom speaks to him. He has been silent and sullen since my son has been here. It is SO hard for me because I feel torn between the two. On the one hand, I love my son and am very defensive of him (probably too defensive.) I see my son's heart and know all the rejection, etc. that he's suffered in his life. I would want my husband to have some compassion. On the other hand, I know it's hard for my husband to have my son here and I appreciate that he's willing to let him. I just feel so hurt that he feels that way about my son. His kids have had many more advantages than mine have and, until their mother died, had two very loving and stable parents who spent time with them. My kids come from a divorced home and have a dad who basically doesn't give a rip. I want my husband to understand that and show some understanding and it hurts me deeply that he doesn't. I feel so disappointed in him and I find myself feeling very resentful. Anyway, if anyone out there has some insight into this problem, I'd appreciate all the help I can get. Other than this, we have a wonderful marriage and a great life. Thanks! Jewel

Featured Answer

over_n_under

20 years ago

last modified: 11 years ago

I'd take a look at it from a different viewpoint. He probably felt that after all these years, he had earned the right to have you all to himself. There were no kids in the picture. And now one has moved in. Your son is not your husband's flesh and blood, so the same bond / level of patience you have is not there. Your husband may feel like he is now competing against your son for your attention. Your husband may feel like he cannot be 'romantic' with you on a whim because he does not know when your son is going to show up. Your husband may be feeling that he lost his privacy. Do you ever tell your husband that you cannot do something (that you used to do) because your son is there? Are you changing your habits because your son is living with you?

Put yourself in his situation. How would you react if one of his children came to live with you? Would you start to resent someone living with you?

Another thing - does your son help out with the chores (dishes, lawn, vacuuming, etc.)? If your son is not helping out, he should. He needs to make his presence be an advantage to your husband. If your son's presence gives your husband more free time, that could be helpful.

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Comments (20)

brass_tacks
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Jewel,
Did I understand you--your son is working. Is your son just with you for the summer? Perhaps your husband doesn't want your son to get too comfortable. Are you able to influence your son? Is your son inclined to be dependent or independent? You said your son is working, but does he have plans/goals or at least does he have forward thinking ideas? Is your son communicating what it is he wants from you and your husband? Is your son enjoying being with you? You haven't given us much to go on.
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Honey, please look very strongly at this man. I too was in the same boat several years ago. Re married, step children both sides. I had a son, he a son. It was rocky from the get go but I stayed stong. I knew he loved me, but both children were artists at stirring things up. Mine was no angel as I found out later. That was where I believe he started drifting away. I went to others for advice and got the same thing. He's no good, he's having an affair. Bottom line, get rid of him. Well, I never had that chance. He died several months later. He never complained about illnesses. He did get dizzy and sometimes would pass out. In those days doctors dismissed it as he was drinking and smoking too much. Problem was he hardly drank but every now and then he would tie one on and never smoked. at the funeral his very close (single)friends paid their respects. One that I was also very close to I pulled aside and had to ask if he knew of my husband having an affair. In no uncertain terms he stated no way. He did like to look and flirt as you put it but while they were out all he talked about was me and the kids. But he also felt that he was not part of the family that I brought into the marriage. He said that I spent alot of my time treating my son like an adult while brushing my husband off to the side, My parents were domineering and like to controll things. My son ran to them if he looked sideways at him. Of course, I had to hear about it. He also stated that he thought my husband had been sick and in alot of pain for some time because he did see him go through changes. He would tell them about his pain but did not want to worry me. His joking around came less and less. His mind was always racing thouugh all kinds of things going on. They joked that it was my nagging causing this and wrote it off as such. While cleaning out his things i came upon some things. He was always trying to make things better for me and the kids. He was working more hours, taking odd jobs around town, he was pawning and selling some of his things that i knew at least he held dear at one time. This was all found through receipts and notes. He had planned a getaway with the family. It was all there in black and white. All this through what I found even later what must have been excruciating pain. I;m not going to bore you with more. I found notes and cards to me that he never gave me. They would go on and on about how much he loved me, his hapiness with me, his fears of the future. He had always had a hard time saying his thoughts. These letters were poetry. I do want you to get one thing out of my mistake. You know this man more than any of us do. At least I would hope. Take a good look into his soul. I knew what was in my husbands soul because that was why I married him faults and all. He loved God, his family, and his friends. Yes he drank every now and then and would overdo it the same as yours. He was a flirt and I knew it. He flirted with everyone young and old, pretty and not so pretty. That was part of his charm. Again, that was a reason why i married him. Everyone loved him. That church was packed. Now all I have are the lovely memories of him and the one nightmare that wakes me up often. I listened to others that did not know him the way I did. You get a second chance to look through your eyes and heart and not through others.
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stretch46
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hello, i'm new here and was reading and searching the forum and seen this posting. I am in a situation myself with a stepson. And its not pretty at all. I understand what is being said in this posting but sometimes its hard to deal with unless the relation is tight from the begining. With my situation my wife let her son move back in. He is now 31 and will be 32 in Jan 07 and has no plans on leaving from my point of view. My wife lets him do what he pleases, he don't help out the household unless someone tells him to. He is a playboy, lives on the phone. He works but has 3 kids with three different women. Pay child support for all three and drives a 1999 Lexus with a car payment of 600.00 This is suppose to be his reasons for not getting out on his own. Lives here for free. Yess his mom agrees with it all, even gets mad at me when i question her about why he can't help out the household. Meaning, if u can't help pay bills, do something else to show your appreciation. Its sad because she don't care if he helps out or not. But i do and yes it makes me hate and dislike them both. I don't like freeloaders. Its going on five years now since he has been back here. No privacy like i would love to have, never know when he may walk in. It has taken alot of air out of my heart for my wife. At times i let it go and say what the heck, but as a man who has worked hard for what i want, and to see a grown boy come in and lives free and enjoying it, i have to put up my defense. Sometimes i really find myself hating her son but i want show it or may it does show because i don't have to much of a conversation for him. So i would say, when someone elses kid is moving in or back in, rules have to be set somehow, some way. Again, whatever i say, it don't matter to my wife and thats why things are like they are now. I have beliefs and she don't. We lived together for about 8 yrs before we got married in Oct 2000. 7 months later, her son moved in and its been hell since. So set boundries while the kid is still young. Because when a kid don't show no appreciation, then thats when all hell breaks loose on either end, stepmon or stepfather. I need advice myself big time because its eating me up on the inside.......... Victor
sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
What a tough spot Victor --

We allowed my husband's adult son to move in with us rent free for a about a year after he got himself into financial trouble. He didn't help around the house really, but then he was clean and quiet and polite and didn't cause any extra work either. But after it became clear that he wasn't using his 'no rent' savings to pay down any of his other debts and hadn't changed his over-spending ways, we told him he needed to leave. Of course, we tried coaching, financial counseling, self-help books first, but when it didn't work, we decided we were just enabling him, and had to stop. Fortunately, my husband and I were on exactly the same page.

Are you and your wife able to talk calmly about the situation? It's not working for you at all, and certainly not even in your stepson's best interests long-term to live like a teenager. He's an adult and needs to start acting like one. I can see how your wife might like having her son around, and might fear what will happen to him if you two throw him out. But does she see at all how she's enabling him to avoid his responsibilities? And how unfair she's being to you?

I'd line up your thoughts in a clear, short and non-accusatory way. Then take her out to a quiet place where the two of you can talk privately. Tell her you have something very important you need to discuss with her, and that you need her to really listen to you and help you come up with a solution that works for everyone. If your wife starts getting defensive, be sure to tell her how you understand her love for her son and that you know she's just trying to be a good mother, but that it's time for her son to grow up.

Good Luck --
stretch46
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thanks for you kind input sweeby. Yes my wife and have talked about this situation over and over and at one time, just to keep from arguing, i wrote her a letter thinking just maybe she can feel what i'm feeling. It worked for one day. She told him to do something and he did it. It took two years for her to see where i was coming from about one main problem to be solved. But it worked. After that its been back to normal,being a kid. I have talked to him several times about life, his situations, everything. I gave up because it didn't do any good. Let me tell you what i've seen over the years that brought things to this point. I came into her life when he was 17, he was a star football player but grades stop it all. He is a good guy, not a trouble one, but just plain spoil by his mom. Her daughter who has herself well together in life was living with us two. She use to get mad at her mom because she never told him to do anything around the house. For some reason, she just never wanted this boy to earn anything. And thats how it is today. She wants him to get his life together i'm sure, but going at it the wrong way by letting him live like a KING. He can tell his mom anything and she will believe. Now, about the first part of Aug this yr, he ask me my opinion about a new car he wanted to get and of course i told him like it is. He ask and i told. He added that his mom and him discussed about him moving out in Jan 2007. So i ask then why do u want another car and yours will be paid off in 2007 and trying to get out on your own. I told him to really think about that. Well he didn't get the new car. This is what i see in some kids i've experience over the years, when they are getting things easy, then they wont have to work hard to get anything. Its been easy for him for many years, free loading off women and his mom, oh and me. He is sooo comfortable with this life style, he wont move out. This is what i'm seeing. I felt yrs ago that he will come back because of the type person he is and i feel that he wont leave. My wife and i was happy at one time. Now we don't have to much in common anymore. She is also a christian and praise all the time. I'm ok with that, but its not working here. I'm temporary disable with a chronic back problem, had two surgeries and a fusion coming up soon. Haven't worked in three yrs. Use to be a warehouse forman for 17yrs until i hurt my back. Do you think he would take the initiative to mow the yard? My wife will do it before asking him. He have done it a few times, but waits until its almost a forest. I talked to my wife last week about giving me some closure to this situation. She can't. I ask her was she afraid, then she got mad and started to call the lords name in vein on me. Turned everything around and made it seem like i had the problem. After i said what i had to say, i left. Because i really felt some evil coming. I'm not going to keep burning your ears, but i have started to keep a calmness about myself now and i must focus on myself and my health. I've been thru a lot with my health within the last five yrs. I must try to stay focus somehow. And i must say, she has been with me thru my health problems. So i'm in a situation where, i want to leave but my health wont let me. I feel like its cloudy all the time around here. And i've always been a happy person, love life. Well again i really appreciate you input.. Take care,,,,,,,,Victor
holly_08
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hi,
I was just wondering if Victor had any resoultion. I find myself in a similar situation with the father (my fiance) enabling irresponsible behavior. He has a 21 year son living with us and keeps bailing his son out of poor choices - probably out of guilt from a divorce when the son did not live with him. The son is polite, but I am feeling very resentful with the Dad that he continues to enable this behavior. E.g. The Dad has let him drive his own car until the son could take care of some DMV issues, court fees. Well it is 3 months later and the son has not bothered to go to the DMV, or paid anything but continues to buy expensive clothes and go out to clubs while the the Dad is currently struggling to pay his half of the bills because they cut down on hours at work. I refuse to help out not out of meanness but I feel I would be bailing out the father since he refuses to ask his son to help out with the bills. I am also struggling to pay bills and it kills me to come home find dishes in the sink, dirty counter, dirt bathrooms, the TV blasting and the son just lying their running up the electricity and not bothered to help with cleaning or washing his dishes I have communicated several times regarding the issue and it always ends up in an argument, he gets defensive and tells me I need to tell the son that certain thing bother me. I don't feel I neend to keep reminding a 21-year old to respect household rules that all agreed upon. I feel the father is just passing the buck and shirking his duty since he is the one enabling the behavior. (The father cleans up after him and says as long as the dish gets cleaned I shouldn't get stressed.) I get upset at the enabling of the son'e laziness! The disnwashewr is a few inches away! A year later the Dad is still making excuses for him. The son does absolutley no chores yet fails to pick up after himself or help financially. He works part-time. The understanding was as long as he went to school, worked and took care of some debts he would not have to pay rent. Well the son has dropped out of college and a trade school(which he now owes a student loan for). He goes out at night comes wandering at 4:00 a.m. then sleeps all day until he needs to go to work. The Dad does get on him about the bad habits but only when it has gotten to the extreme and I've reached my breaking point. I have threatend him that if things don't change he and his son will need to find a place to live or I will. He gives him ultimatums but never follows through. My health has been affected because of the stress and sleep deprivation from being woken up in the middle of the night and a few where the son has come in drunk with his friends, The lack of sleep leaves me in an irritated and frustrted state. I love my fiance and we are best friends but this is a sore point with us. Any suggestions?
Holly
wrychoice1
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"I have threatened him that if things don't change he and his son will need to find a place to live or I will."

"He gives him ultimatums but never follows through."

Sounds like your fiance isn't the only one who issues ultimatums without following through.

From your description, it sounds "like father, like son." You can threaten to leave your fiance if something doesn't change, but he has no reason to believe you will follow through. He can talk to his son about "change or else," but there is never any "or else," so the son has no motivation to behave any differently; same for the dad.

One thing you might want to think about is where is your line in the sand? Sounds a little like you keep drawing one and both your fiance and his son keep stepping right over it. I do not think I would issue another ultimatum to your boyfriend until you are really prepared to follow through. You might want to develop a time line and communicate this to your fiance....something like, "Over the next month, I'd like to see XYZ changes. If XYZ changes are not in place, I intend to begin looking for someplace else to live, and I will let you know I am actively looking for someplace else to live. I intend to take a month to find a new place. If at the end of the second month, changes have not been made and/or sustained, I will give you a month's notice that I intend to move out. At the end of the third month, if changes have not been made and/or sustained, I will move into my own place & you and your son will be free to keep each other company. I will no longer be placed in the role of having to be a caretaker for both of you and you will be free from my making demands for changes you are either willing and/or unable to make."

You then say not another word. You have let your fiance know what you would like from him as an equal partner to you...he either chooses to work with you to make changes in your household or he doesn't. If he does, you live happily ever after; if he doesn't, you have removed yourself from a situation that in all likelihood will never improve and only get worse.

Mostly, you have to discover where your limit is. Once you know this, you communicate it to your fiance...issuing threats you have no intention on following through with...well, you already know how effective that is.
zakbrian29
8 years ago
Iam in the same situation I used my husband was a nice men and I think what is doing to my son really show me who he is my heart is broken because they father died 10 years ago ,his very cold towards my kids no compassion at all he got dirty mouth he hurts them too much ,and I hate his guts, he told me to choose how dare him,listen his not nice you Wil see the truth him .iam very sorry ,be strong for your child ineed my kids,,don't care about him his abusing me and my kids on a daily basis. God bless.
colleenoz
8 years ago
Well you know the answer, zakbrian29, choose your kids and wave bye bye to the abusive husband. Sounds like you should have done it a long time ago.
HU-685965859
7 years ago
I have read all the different comments and trawled the internet for my situation! My son moved back to our home 2 weeks ago! He is 24 next month! He moved out 2 and a half years ago and lived away, he worked full time, he gave this up to go to Ayia Napa for the summer, he worked over there enough to enjoy himself but has come back with no job and no money! He is looking hard for a job! He has been offered 2 jobs where he used to live but cannot afford to set himself up there! He has been for an interview and trial session which he is waiting to hear from and is applying for jobs daily. My partner, his Stepfather, is furious he has come to live with us! He calls him all sorts of names and is verbally aggressive, he blanks him and does not speak to him, he will not even eat at the dining table with us! My son is aware that he does not like him and does not want him to live here and stays in his room so as not to cause any trouble! This breaking my heart! How do we move forward? I don’t know if I can continue to be with my partner with the way he is treating my son! It is breaking my heart.
bleusblue2
7 years ago
Your husband is rigid and unfair. This type of personality may be expressed in other ways that you have become accustomed to because of his good qualities. I don't know where you live. In the city I live in it would be impossible for your son to find an apartment without a lot of money. Do you have your own money so you an lend him enough to find a place? Not knowing your situation or your son's talents, I can't say more. He's fooled around and if you were with his father there'd be no question, you'd just help him. Frankly, I'd leave a man who put me through that whether or not your son is the problem.
Elsie Martin Germain
7 years ago
Ihope none of your problems are like mine ,my husband hate my kids so much that he tried to poisoned his toothpaste his a monster he doesn't want my son to be in the house so he abuse me,possibly kill me, yes and iam not exagerating.&e hates me because I love my kids. Good luck to all of you.
bleusblue2
7 years ago
Elsie -- get out of that house -- it's not worth it. There is somebody to help you -- go to the public library and ask for help on a shelter, if not your doctor. In a few years you will look back and say Why didn't I leave then? Why would you let your kids live with somebody who HATES them? And might kill you? Please please get out.
Elsie Martin Germain
7 years ago
Iknow his taken advantage of the situation, I had 3 surgeries IAM on disability IAM starting to feel better ,when you don't have money you nothing icant began to tell what this man as done to us pure torture,his trying to trash the house wth water, and mice problem, he refuse to help and anything, ihave a career in nursing, I would like to baby sitter to make some money to help me ,money is a huge things. Thank you so much for your advice. Peace and love.
Suzieque
7 years ago
He tried to poison your child? What did the police say when you called them?
HU-740480308
4 years ago
I am in the same situation. It’s New Years Day and I am lying here depressed. My adult son came to temporarily live with me and my new husband of 2 years about 7 months ago. He asked and my husband said yes. My husband decided not to charge him rent or anything, even told him he can eat what we eat, wash clothes, basically our home is his home. We have a written agreement which we all signed. My son takes out the garbage and cuts grass, clean his room & bathroom. He’s making plans to move back out as agreed. He has savings. Is my son perfect? No, but he is not disrespectful. Other than not walking around the house naked, nothing else has changed in our marital relationship. My husband took it upon himself to step in as a father to my son and even asked my son if that was ok. His biological father…didnt do his job and has no real relationship with him. My husband and son get along fine. However i know my husband is faking it. If my son makes one mistake or forget something, my husband is very critical and judgemental. He complains to me telling lies about my son and says hateful things about my son. i love my husband but this is unacceptable to me. i am beyond hurt and angry. My son doesnt even know how my husband really feels. What brought to this post…my husband thought my son had left and left the door unlocked at 2am. My son was actually outside. Anyway all i literally said was to tell him and immediately he accused me of coming to my son’s defense and starts going off. I am confused. If someone does something wrong or forgot something, isnt the natural thing to do is tell them? What did I say wrong? There is so much more I could say to paint the picture of everything that has gone on. I dont want a divorce but this is too crazy!
Lisa Bertsch
4 years ago
I am in a very similar situation as yours. I'm curious what your current status is. Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
HU-316032991
3 years ago
Well, Mam...I can tell you this, if your adult kids are disrespectful to you, they give less than a flip about your new husband! I would not stand for any disrespect from those I have sacrificed for all their lives (1 stepson , a natural born son & 2. daughters now 28,25,22 & 19) . They have made their choices which I did not agree with, but their teen angst did not change so we do not have contact! My wife of less than a year, dated 4 yrs. has 3 of the most disrespectful, uneducated, codependent kids (people on the planet) ! Now I understand her defending them except when very disrespectful to her! I draw the line there! Anywho, I told her that I would rather be homeless on the street that to return to that disfunction! Marriage will not last a year...end of story.
Ashleigh Zelaya
2 years ago
My son is 20 and lives with me. He pays almost half the rent but no utilities, buys his own food, and is currently in between jobs, but actively looking (he has a healthy savings account to get him through this time, though). My boyfriend and I lived together briefly and were set to fully combine our lives, but he said I could not bring my son or my cats, so I found a new place of my own. My boyfriend is not happy with this situation and wants me to move in again and make my son live on his own. Further, he refuses to speak to my son because my son got mad at him and told him to get out when he (boyfriend) was being rude and disrespectful towards me. My boyfriend refuses to talk to my son because he thinks that children should stay out of any arguments between parents... I know it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but his father sounds like he was an ass, so I see why his mother never remarried since she only speaks Farsi and that just seems to be the Persian culture. I worry that this will ruin holidays and future major life events if I stay with this man. On the other hand, my son IS an adult and could be on his own, if it weren't for : Rent for a one-bedroom is $1,850 a month here and you have to have 3x that amount to qualify... I don't know of any 20-years old making $66,600 per year.
colleenoz
2 years ago
Personally I’d ditch the boyfriend. He is being very controling and you haven’t even moved in yet. It would only get worse. Your son sounds like he has your back. Stick by him.

There are better men out there.

My husband doesn't like my adult son.

over_n_under

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