If at the age of 20, she cannot accept the generosity of your husband's and your hospitality, I think she has more problems than anyone is admitting to. Does she need medication? Moody is one thing, but what you describes seems to extend beyond that. Perhaps you could help her find an inexpensive apartment and gift her the security deposit. At what age will she be able accept responsibility for herself if she is given the opportunity to be a princess indefinitely? It may be never. I know that you love her, but there is no excuse for rudeness in a home where she is in effect a guest... especially at her age. I would tell her that she is welcome as long as she controls herself or seeks medical attention. She must know herself that what she is feeling is not normal and must be feeling very unhappy about it. A few meds might change her whole life for the better. My bil was having horrible problems with "dark" moods. He was miserable and it was getting worse and worse until my sister insisted he seek help. He takes a pill a day now and is once again the wonderful man he once was.

Hi Rosie,

My daughter has always got what she wanted until my husband came into my life. We have expenses together and goals we want to reach and we aren't able to do that if I keep giving to her all the time. We do charge her $300 a month rent, but she doesn't like that. She came home and we told her that she is a roomate and must pay rent and clean up after herself. This doesn't always happen and for the most part she takes ME for granted and gullible mom, I usually give in. Sometimes it's easier to give in than to hear her have one of her fits.

She has always been an emotional child and yes, maybe she does need some type of meds. She has talked to me about seeking counselling. I helped her find some reasonable ones that only charge her what she can afford. She hasn't gone!!!

She is rude and doesn't respect my husband. BTW, he is a great man and I love him dearly. She has been very lucky that he keeps his mouth shut.

I could go on, but for now I'll keep this somewhat short and will continue on later.

Thanks for your response.

It truly sounds like your daughter can't accept that she isn't the only one in your life anymore. She has to learn to share you and hopefully she'll see thr good in your husband and accept that. I guess she was spoiled over the years being the only one and this is hard to deal with. I would say that your daughter is old enough to be on her own. If she can afford rent at your house and money to pay for other things, she can make it on her own. Your daughter may need help and all but really it's time for you to let go and let her care for herself. She has to learn that you don't get everything you want and parents don't always take care of you. You can help here and there in more ways than just providing her a house to live in and money, but don't totally support her and cause problems in your marriage. It's a lesson she really should have learned long ago but there are good odds she still can.

Is it possible for her to go stay with YOUR parents? Sounds to me like a spoiled child not getting her way, and when this happens she throws a fit, or cries to get out of it. She's 20 years old, time for her to grow up, and accept responsibility for her life. Maybe a little "Tough LOve" is in order?

To all who responded: Her whole life I was a single parent, so in turn my parents (who BTW have been very supportive) BUT sometimes they stuck their nose in where it didn't belong. Telling me I was too easy on her, or too hard. When my daughter thinks I am being too hard or unfair, yes she runs to my parents. That is why now they are looking at my husband differently. In the beginning of our relationship, they loved him!!!!

She does need some "tough love" but I have a very hard time doing that. I know I've been in the wrong for giving in to her but it has to stop. I don't need her coming between my husband and I. He has tried to have a relationship with her but she has a hard time understanding him, nor does she want him to act like the 'father'Âwhich in my view, he never has. He is a very warm, kind hearted and very protective of those he loves. He does love her, but can not stand her childish ways or her moodiness.

My parents live an hour outside of the city, so it would be hard for her to get a job there. She also wants to go back to school and upgrade. I know if my husband and I make strict rules my parents will hear about it and my mother will tell me not to be so hard on her. I've told her, my mother, that I cannot continue holding my daughter's hand through everything, that she needs to learn and grow up.
But this doesn't stop my parents from spoiling her. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place ~sigh

Have you thought of the possibility that there is more than you know about? My father's wife mistreated my sister and I for a long time without my father's knowledge. She would threaten us not to tell. I am not saying this is what is happening, but from the way you talk there is more you just dont want to see it. It also sounds like you are speaking words your husband has said and you are trying to convince yourself of it too. This is my opinion and I can only speak from my situation, but why dont you sit down with the only person who really knows whats going on, your daughter? Her crying when you try to get her to talk to him says a whole lot. I think there is more. Please dont ship her off. Talk to her.

Buffy:

What you don't know if that my daughter has ALWAYS been like this. She didn't just change when my husband came into the picture. She is spoiled, used to always getting her own way and used to always having her mother's attention 100%. She has NEVER had to share me until a few years ago.

She has always been an emotional child and very moody. I always say: she is a true Gemini. If things don't go her way, she blames everyone else but herself.

She and my husband get along MOST of the time but both of them have these problems with one another. They don't argue or fight. If she is in one of her emotional moods, he just ignores her. Whereas I, am used to her moods and know how to deal with it, which is the same way as he. I ignore her when she spouts off and says hurtful things. I know deep down inside she doesn't mean them, it's just a bout of angry and she says things without thinking.

I have sat down and talked to her and have asked her what her problem is with my husband. The one main thing is she is not used to having a male around and doesn't want him being authoritative with her, which he never is. She has been told by me and also by him that all he is or wants to be is her friend.

She also doesn't like it when he gives her his opinion on issues. She feels he is belittling her. She is the type of person that if she gives her opinion on something that she feels she is right and does not want to hear others' opinions. Know do you think this is right?

Plus what I mentioned above, she feels he has taken her mother away. She has in the past scared other males away. I then stopped dating and devoted my whole life to her. Well, it is my turn to live!! Yes she will always be my daughter, but she will leave someday and have her own family. I then will have my husband to spend my life with.

I know she will probably live at home for the next few years and all I want is peace at home and for them to come to some truce..lay their issues on the table and deal with them as adults.

HI there.....Your daughter sounds like me.. I am every emotional and very very moody....I now take zoloft...Take her to a doctor....I am told I am a different person when I dont take the medicine. I would also explain to her that she should be happy this man allows her to live in HIS home...If she cannot live by the rules than she is old enough to find her own home. Try the zoloft...it works...

Your daughter is an adult. She can like it or lump it. Stop being the victim of her moods. Tell her to get help or go suck an egg.

teeweeone...First of all, it is not HIS home, it is our home. I do have more say when it comes to my daughter, because she is exactly that, my daughter. Your last thought regarding "If she cannot live by the rules than she is old enough to find her own home" is very true,but I know she cannot afford this and has no where to go. As for the zoloft, she is 20 and I do not have any rights speaking to her doctor. She knows she is messed up and has spoke about getting councelling, but she has good days and puts it off. I can't force her to do this.

SAGI..yes she is an adult by age but doesn't act like one. Do you have children? I know I need to stop being a victim to her moods which I for the most part don't let them bother me, it bothers me because it affects her relationship with my husband which in turn affects me.

It sounds to me like your daughter is simply jealous..jealous of you for having a mate and a future, which she does not have so far, and jealous of your husband for taking your 100% devotion to her away. She probably feels she can wear him down with her moods and eventually send him packing. You're the one in the middle, so all you can do is keep telling her you love her, and keep telling him you love him, and ignore the nonsense.

I think it's unrealistic to expect the two of them to bond. Although she is very immature for a 20 year old, she is too old to need a new daddy. It would be nice if she could get to the point of accepting your new husband as a friend instead of a rival for your affections, and that may happen with time, if you and your husband just hang in there.

Someday, hopefully, she'll grow up enough to get a life of her own. It does seem like you and your family have bent over backwards for her all her life so far, and that she still expects you all to hold that position! And why not? It's all she knows.

Try not to worry so much about the non-existent relationship between your daughter and your husband. Maintain yourself and the relationships that you have with each of them. You have a lot to be happy about.

JacLyn: I think this is the best advise I've gotten yet. Thank you so much. My relationship with my husband is very important to me. He is the one who brings sunshine to my life everyday and I do NOT want their relationship to ever come between us. Don't get me wrong, my daughter and I do have a very good relationship, I just have to be a bit tougher on her. But as I've mentioned above, I then hear it from my parents!

I will try take your advise and ignore the nonsense. And yes, someday she will grow up and hopefully see how immature she has been.

I'm glad if some of my words helped put your mind at ease. You know, sometimes our children worry when there's a new friend or partner in our lives, that there won't be enough love to go around anymore. But I can tell from your posts that there is lots of love in your heart for all those dear to you. In time, your daughter will see that too. I say, don't worry, be happy..and congratulations on your marriage! JacLyn

My uncle was in the exact same situation recently. He moved in with a nice woman whose husband died recently from lymphoma cancer he got from smoking cigarettes. She has a 13 year old boy and an 18 year old daughter. He and the 13 year old boy get along famously. However the daughter was a different story. She was only nice to him when she wanted money, the rest of the time she would have just assumed spat in his face as look at him. Their relationship degenerated to the point that she was accusing him of sexual advances and getting her friends to call the house and threaten to beat him up. All of this came about as the 18 year old girl was not allowed to be "queen of the double wide", as long as she was getting her way every thing was fine. As soon as she wasn't all hell would break loose.

This is a common thing with teenagers, up until the point when reality slaps them in the face, they all think the world owes them something. So the way they dealt with it is they gave her an ultimatum, shape up or move out, she moved out. But at 18, it is time for her to go. And at 20 it is time for your daughter to go.

I think the key statement here is "my daughter always got what she wanted until my husband came into my life" ... doesn't that just say it all????

Time for her to be the adult she is and take responsibility for herself. When Jaclyn says "hopefully one day she'll grow up" .. my thought is -- WHEN? She has no reason to for the moment.

Your husband is a saint for keeping his mouth shut most times and trying to bond with her. Here's a brutal reality check for you -- his current attitude won't last forever if you don't get your butt in gear and force your daughter to grow up pronto.

At 20, she needs to learn to "share her mother" and not be a pouty brat because you have found someone who makes you happy. She's acting more like a pre-pubescent teenager than a 20 year old adult woman.

I'd give her a time frame -- perhaps 3-6 months -- to get her act together and find a place of her own, or your marriage WILL suffer. This is not a case where you have a small child that needs to be cared for. This is an adult woman who should be making her own way in life by now.

The real issue here is not your trying to force them into a pleasant relationship. It's YOUR inability to treat your daughter like an adult.

your daughter is acting like a spoiled teenager just like mom_2_4 said. what i would do if she doesn't get the picture of what real adult children are supposed to act like, next time she has a relationship with a guy, you start acting like she is right now with your husband!!! she will think that YOUR behavior is out of line, then you can say" well you acted like this when i married my husband and it was okay for you why is this not okay for ME to act this way NOW when you have a boyfriend????????" i guantee she will get the BIG PICTURE then!!!!!!

Brenda, it sounds like you've painted yourself in a box here. On the one hand, you allow your daughter to live in your home and behave this way (disrupting your home life), you won't require her to get counseling in order to stay there, you say she's an adult so you can't say anything to her doctor, and you say you can't make her leave because she can't support herself. Basically, you've listed a whole bunch of reasons for putting up with her behavior and allowing her to take advantage of you while avoiding change and avoiding growing up. It's not in your best interest or hers. If she is not forced to take responsibility for her own behavior, health, and financial support, then she has every reason to continue as she is. If she is not required to go to counseling or talk with a doctor about medication then she has every reason to continue the behavior that is disrupting your home and marriage.

If you don't want things to continue as they are, then you must change how you respond to her and what you will accept in your home. Otherwise, nothing will change.

IS your daughter hot?

HEY -- WHO IS MODERATING THIS BOARD?

JUST WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET AN OFFENSIVE POSTER BOOTED???

ANYBODY OUT THERE WATCHING?

(uh, yeah -- caps on purpose!)

Regarding the Zoloft comment awhile back -- your daughter should be careful with it if she ever tries it. I tried it for a little bit, but it made me very 'wacky' -- racing heart, very very nervous with no cause. Not something I'd recommend to the casual user. :) That said, I think you need to take it for 2 weeks (or some extended time anyway) for the initial weird effects to subside. Needless to say, I didn't wait to quit.

I agree with mom_2_4 and the others -- it sounds from your own description -- unless someone else was raising your daughter, I might have missed it -- that you bought into all this poop by spoiling her when she was younger.

Would you take this from a stranger? If not, why take it from somebody that supposedly loves you?

There was an article somewhere or another, or possibly just a feverdream I had :) concerning our recent tendency to confuse explainations with excuses. Just because something is understandable doesn't make it forgiveable. Is it understandable that she might be upset with losing a special place in your life? Sure. Does that make acting like a nutcase acceptible? No.

And by the way, depending on how 'nutcasy' she's acting you may need to do a little CYA if kicking her out becomes necessary. I've never had to deal with a situation like that myself, so any advice I could give you would be so much hot air, but you might want to look into taking some property-protecting precautions (getting the number of a locksmith, etc), and perhaps even do a little legal research. Just to be prepared, anyway.

And finally, I doubt this list is being moderated at the moment. Which is a shame.