Thanks for the advice so far- it is very helpful. Paigect, we had considered moving closer to his kids a year ago, but it is not an option right now because of our jobs. There are also issues with his ex harrassing him (obscene phone calls and the like) and it seems that the stress level for my fiance is lower with him living away from her. I am not clear as to how much the autistic child depends on his father as part of his routine. When he was in my house, the child was very stressed and wanted to leave the whole weekend to go home, although we did everything possible to keep him occupied. Because of this, I believe it is just too disruptive to him to be traveled. He also acted the same way in his grandparents' house for the first few months until he adjusted to the routine there. But, because of the severity of his condition, I do not know if he would even notice the difference between monthly and twice-monthly visits. I don't want to make that assumption having never been exposed to a developmentally disabled child, but it seems to me that an infant would notice her dad gone more than he will. When he was here, his father did most of the caretaking, but because the autistic child needs so much supervision, I ended up taking care of the girl the whole time and cooking all meals for the family, etc. which was hard because I had been working all week and had no down time(my job demands a lot of me during the week). It is true that I have not been as active as I should be with going with my fiance to visit his kids at his parents'. This has been largely due to my pregnancy, but I do agree that after the baby is born I could, and plan to, take a more active role in going up there with him and spending time with the kids. The baby's grandparents will want to see her, regardless, and it is important to me that we are providing them with that opportunity. My fiance is trying to make alternate arrangments with his brother to bring the kids to the brother's house once a month to alleviate the stress on his ill mother. I hope his brother will accomodate this. I feel that it is not only exhausting to the grandma and to me to have him driving so far every weekend, but to my fiance to make this trip twice a month. Once a month would be more managable, and there is no reason why a 13 year old could not take the train here alone (after a practice run with dad). I also agree that he feels a great deal of guilt for the situation his children are in due to having divorced parents and probably overcompensating. Compounding it, is his ex wife not handling the situation very well. She has been living with someone else for longer than we have been together, but seems to be very jealous that her ex is doing fine without her and about to start a family with someone new. I have never met or talked to her and prefer to keep it that way, and my fiance tries to keep a business-type relationship with her. However, she has been feeding information to the daughter that her father will not want to see her and the son anymore once the baby is born, and this has created jealously between the daughter and the baby even though the baby is not born. I can only hope that the daughter will grow out of this or that the jealousy will be smaller once she meets her little sister. I do not know if it is normal behavior for a 13 year old to express such extreme jealousy toward a baby sister (she tells her dad that he is ruining her life by having this baby, that she was happy being the only girl, that she hates the baby). Otherwise, she is well behaved with me and I have enjoyed having her here the 2 times she came to visit. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmother and hope that over time we will, too. The ex wife is sure to be very unhappy if we try to reduce the amount of time he is picking up the autistic son, as she seems to want to go out to bars and party a great deal, and cannot find another babysitter. It seems strange to me that she never wants her kids on the holidays. What she thinks matters very little to me, but the fact that she drags the girl into it makes the situation harder. To me, it is not appropriate to say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child. I believe that my fiance has a certain level of fear that she will try to take the kids away from him (which is ridiculous, he is a wonderful father to those kids and she would have no grounds in court). It is a complicated situation, and I just don't want to be selfish and whiny about it. I understand that there are real challenges associated with marrying a man is divorced with kids from a previous marriage, but I also believe very strongly that my baby deserves a normal life, and I don't want my only baby to miss out on time with her father. Again, I have no idea how much an infant needs her father but I expect that being away from home 2 weekends a month would interfere with their bonding. I can handle a great deal here on my own, and he does work very hard to contribute to this household while he is here, but to be gone so much seems excessive. All of this, I have discussed with my fiance, and he understands, but I can tell he feels a great deal of guilt and I don't want to make him abandon his children. Just the opposite. I just want to make sure I am not out of line for feeling this way because I don't want to make the situation even more unfair for all involved when there are 3 kids this affects. Any more opinions on this, I would really enjoy hearing- and thanks again for the input.

I'm in your shoes and the problem is coming from the both of them, but your partner is the one to blame here because he is her parent and the adult here. He is allowing this behavior and by showing her you don't matter he is giving her power over the relationship and to drive a wedge between you. Read my post (that is also long and received few replies as well) about husband feeling like he's being made to choose. I didn't go into detail about particular incidents of things she did, but she came to live with us 3 years ago and the alienation of my opinions started right away and gradually increased. Every time that he did nothing drove me further away and caused me to not respect him- in fact I'm disgusted with him. Now she rules the house, says and does whatever she wants. Heaven forbid she doesn't get her way because she will bully her Dad until he gives in. I didn't fully disengage until she lied about me to get her way and in a separate incident two months later she embellished a story heavily to gain attention for herself and to make me look bad. She trash talks me (like she did her mother before moving here) with lies and half truths. Luckily for you, you only have to deal with her during visitation. Don't ever agree to her moving in full time or you will regret it. You need to talk with your partner and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will work on it. You and he should be the team. Not the kids. My husband always cried about being in the middle (but he consistently put himself there) and I recently told him that if we had been the team we should have been there wouldn't have been a middle! He needs to quit playing into her games. It's too bad that some girls have to act that way and sadly, they usually learn it from their mothers. This post was edited by tjlo on Fri, Jun 28, 13 at 7:08

LOL I am going to assume you have no children or you would know what "details" actually means. I think you will be able to rest easy after truly learning the details and checking out the program. I expect you to learn that each family undergoes close scrutiny, and home inspections should be a routine part of that. No program, much less no parent, is going to send children into unknown territory. The program has to be responsible for the children's safety. That is the primary concern, I am certain. But, find out the name of the program, call them, and check it out for yourself before asking advice on how to handle a situation you know nothing about. My guess is you will learn your stepdaughter will be rejected for this type of exchange program. On a different note and a matter of caution, what is known as white slavery or maybe child slavery (in some parts of the world) has become an extremely big business and cause for concern. Children and young women are kidnapped and sold to become sex slaves, and they are captured using schemes that are becoming more elaborate every day. I suggest you check out this program completely and thoroughly. If you don't feel you know the right questions to ask, then inquire here and elsewhere to find out the kind of information you should expect to ascertain from that program/company. For example, if they do not do routine home inspections, I would say no for that reason alone because I'd take it as a flashing red signal they don't have their act together, but it could also bring question of their legitimacy. I am really glad you asked this question and hope you will take my post in the good nature I intended. I think this can be good practice for you to fine tune your mum radar for when you have children of your own (if you and hubby decide to have children). Taking notes during practice such as this will help you develop a critical path to problem solving - critical path meaning sequenced order of importance to expediently arrive at a conclusion. In other words, the safety of your stepdaughter (and future children) is more important than her embarrassment. Had you begun inquiring of the program with her security and well being at heart, you might never have ended up asking a forum a question like this one. Problem solved by way of a much more significant and less delicate concern.

One parent cannot MAKE the other parent do anything.... not even take care of their own offspring. It really is sad. My SD9 lives with us and her mom wants to be her best friend but doesn't want her. I can totally relate because my SD's mom also has the "it doesn't work for me" attitude and she takes her kids with her when it's convenient for her or she needs to see them (they listen to HER problems, they give HER moral support, etc.) and when she wants the attention of being a mom, her kids are the props so people see her as a mom. It's never about what the kids want or need. But, that's another issue. In your case, you've been raising her since she was 4 and there's a reason her mom didn't. Her mom doesn't want her now and that's terribly sad for this child/teen, because it's hard enough to be a teenager and what every kid wants is to be loved... unconditionally. It's really unfair to say "now that you're a teenager & acting up, we want to get rid of you.... let your mom deal with you!" when you know her mom doesn't want her. Some of the things you describe are normal teen behavior.. testing the boundaries & ascertaining if they truly are loved unconditionally. Many of us were rebellious teenagers and not all rebellious teens come from a divorced family or step family situation. I believe it can be more complicated with steps involved but it also has to do with how it's perceived and how everyone reacts to it. I'd agree that it's more likely to be taken personally in a step situation where the step parent's children are not yet teens & the step parent has no idea how to deal with teens. In my situation, my kids are grown & I've dealt with three teens and I have concerns about what it will be like with my SD in a few years. Her mom allows her to do all sorts of things that we feel are shaping her to be a nightmare teenager. (ie. lets her dress 'sexy', puts fake tattoos on her belly, teaching her 'sexy' dance moves, puts nasty rap songs on her ipod, lets her watch R rated movies, etc.) and not a day goes by that I don't wish her mom would take more of an interest in raising her and being there for her. At this point, I'd be happy if she'd answer her phone or **gasp** pick up her own phone & call her daughter and if she would stop canceling her weekends... but we can't 'make' her. **sigh** However, it would be the wrong thing to decide to 'throw her back' because she's being difficult. Trust me, I've thought it & I've pondered it on here... 'should I throw in the towel?' but as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, giving up on a child is only going to make things worse. I also understand how hard it is when you are raising your kids & you don't want them to pick up on a bad influence but I have three kids and my oldest one did things that I worried would be a bad influence on my two younger ones... but he's my son. It was a good lesson for my two younger ones to learn.. that we don't turn our back on family. Your SD is family.