Harmar, here is ANOTHER opinion for you. As if parenting isn't hard enough when it's just the two of you, right? To then add a third voice chiming in without being present.... yes, these are the joys of step-families! I know what it's like. I am a big advocate of claiming OUR territory here at home if that makes any sense. We keep on having issues of the children's mother wanting to meddle in our home affairs. Sometimes, it does feel as if she tells my husband to jump and his reply will inevitably be, "how high?". I can't tell you the things we've had to do because of HER fears and all of her tears (which always seem to work on my husband; she cries? He gives in... you wonder where children learn that from). But back to the situation at hand; if it's a small thing, try not to sweat it, but if you have a third-party parenting in your house without being present, then forget about it, YOUR house is YOUR HOUSE. The children can trust you and their father enough to make judgment calls without living in fear of what their mother will say, right? They are probably old enough to get the fact that, if you guys really didn't have a clue to what is right and what is wrong, their mother wouldn't let them come over at all. It sounds like you are really operating in good faith and with the best of intentions. And if I can get that from just one post, your step-kids can trust that too, don't you think? I generally tend to agree with sweebyâÂÂs advice, but I stray a little bit from her opinion this time. Just like two parents have different parenting styles and one may allow certain things while the other doesnâÂÂt, same goes with two households. ItâÂÂs as if the children are bi-cultural and in actuality thatâÂÂs what theyâÂÂre learning. I think itâÂÂs impossible to have the same set of rules in two separate houses, especially when one of the parties will never be present. The big stuff certainly, but the rest, I am sure both households can âÂÂlet it rollâÂÂ. If I can offer you any advice, I think you and your husband should turn your energy away from the children's mother and keep it on the children (I am sure you are doing this already, I mean no offense; I just know that in my case, I had a woman living in my head whether she or I liked it or not!). We made a family statute (I remember reading about one somewhere and it worked wonders for us!) where we came up with rules together. One of the rules however was that Dad and I (or any adult in charge at home) have final say, not ANYBODY else. So if there are certain things like movies for example, where they donâÂÂt feel comfortable, they can put that down as their rule. But that way, it becomes THEIR rule and not that of the parent that isnâÂÂt there. Keep us posted (literally, ha ha)

Dyinginside, Your husband stated that it will end in divorce because of you and his daughter. one thing: HE SHOULD NOT DEFINE HIS MARRIAGE TO YOU ON THE BASIS OF HIS DAUGHTER . PERIOD. BIg red flag here. and to top it off he's not interested in going to counciling now????? I agree with sweeby, you have leverage, use it. You are in your parents home. If your husband thinks that is where its heading and he has made the decision to not change this direction, because he's the one who can change this or at least put his foot down and say to his daughter, she is my wife i love her , stop treating her like Sh*t, then there is only two things you can do. 1. Tellhim counciling now and work it out while being at the parents house. Cause counciling does cost and financially you'ld be in better position to do this... 2. If he insists on no counciling and stays.....tell him to leave with his daughter. My feelings on this: If i were under my parents roof, in this situation and my husband said, well i've spoken to my daughter and she still doesn't like ..and i guess if that is the way its going to be between you then i guess i'll have to divorce you....I would tell him, pack your bags now and leave with your daugther please. I would tell him , i know you love me and you love your daughter but if this is the way you think then its obvious you have chosen your path and you want your daughter and there is no sharing of you between me and her. Please have a wondering life and take care of yourself and yoru daughter...Give him time to pack up and go to a relative until he cna find an apartment. WHy muddle through a situation when your husband has obviously made a decision not to act and to pick his daughter? I know you are in love with him but maybe he needs to be alone with his daughter to form a relationship with her and he can't handle the both of you.ITs sad. unless you all go to counciling i dont think this will work. You will be left alone and resent not acting faster.

Well I think i can give you a different perspective. On Sd and they way she is, i understand. I lost my mother to cancer when i was 11 1/2 years old. So...looking back on those years now, i now see that i was also a very negative , angry individual. I felt that life was unfair and that i was jipped by my mother's death. I focused alot of hate on my own father and i wasnt' the most warm person when he tried to meet woman. My first SM was to me terrible. Not to me but to her kids and i was indifferent to her. My second was amazing. Why? She did'nt infringe on my space. Thought or physical.She let me go to her ...not the other way around. You said you spend money and alot of time to get to know her and fix her room....a bonding when she was no where near being ready to do that with you. I understand your intention were good. I dont think you are a bad person...but it was too soon for this year and she was just thrown into your house without the choice. Plus grandma sounds like a B**ch....So that didn't help you cause. Your husband. Is an *ss for what he has done to you as a friend adn partner in marriage. I would be more concerned with him. He sounds like my husband who didnt' want couciling either...so i basically told him that we are either on the same page or we are not. The day i see him taking his kids side over me , is the day we divorce. I made it very clear to him. The kids fall under the marriage. UNDER the parents. THey are not equal to the parents or more important. All the kids...bio, or step.. THe main issue to address is your husband. Speak to him and stand you ground with him to clear state you treat each child the same and his daughter will be no different. You've put time and effort and she hates you?? Normal, she has emotional issues. Sit down with hubby and tell him how you feel and tell him you were hurt by his comment. That sd is part of our family and will be treated the same...she should not be treated special because mommy died. .....Does she also have biopolar???? This could also be an issue of behaviour. Question...How was your SS with you ? Was it good? Was your husband at his defense when something came up divided or did he agree with you? Cause if he was fine with him , then you should remind your hsuband how he was with his son and you and that sd does not and will not get any special treatment. In the end , if he continues to act this way, warn him it will be the demise of your marriage. If he wants to do that its his choice but you know what, pull back from her and let her dad handle her. Take care of your daughters and when she mouths off to them, you defend them tooth and nail and take it on with your hubby. Go to counciling for your own piece of mind...you can't force you husband but you can put your foot down with him..and if he doesn't like it...sorry tosay...tell him to take the door. You are either a team or you are not. Yes its harsh..but i noticed that some men here are wishy washy with their daughters and need to have it put straight in their face without suttletees... I have a friend of mine , whos' friend at work divorced because daddy put their own daughter above the marriage..well....they divorced and dad has custody because mom doesnt' want her. Its sad..it happens...but its a crazy world. 1. Take a break from her and step back. 2. Go to counciling and see what they say. 3. Keep open honest calm communication with hubby for now. 4. Let him handle her. She views you with hate because she has alot of emotions to deal with....leave her have some space. Its important. 5. Concentrate on your girls now and leave her with dad...it will be divided for a time but it wont last forever. 6. Connect with hubby again and keep connected for your relationship.....because if that goes...its dangerous for the futur. Tell him you will back off on sd but that he must be responsible for her since she has issues with you. 7 . YOU: Expect nothing from her...no cleaning..no chores...her homework? your hubbies problem....expect nothing...Focus on your girls. Your sd is angry, hurt and still trying to get over the loss of her mom...she sees you in the 'mother' position and she hates that...not you personally. She is too young to separate the two. She'll be like this for a while...i know..i went through it. Give her space.

LOL I am going to assume you have no children or you would know what "details" actually means. I think you will be able to rest easy after truly learning the details and checking out the program. I expect you to learn that each family undergoes close scrutiny, and home inspections should be a routine part of that. No program, much less no parent, is going to send children into unknown territory. The program has to be responsible for the children's safety. That is the primary concern, I am certain. But, find out the name of the program, call them, and check it out for yourself before asking advice on how to handle a situation you know nothing about. My guess is you will learn your stepdaughter will be rejected for this type of exchange program. On a different note and a matter of caution, what is known as white slavery or maybe child slavery (in some parts of the world) has become an extremely big business and cause for concern. Children and young women are kidnapped and sold to become sex slaves, and they are captured using schemes that are becoming more elaborate every day. I suggest you check out this program completely and thoroughly. If you don't feel you know the right questions to ask, then inquire here and elsewhere to find out the kind of information you should expect to ascertain from that program/company. For example, if they do not do routine home inspections, I would say no for that reason alone because I'd take it as a flashing red signal they don't have their act together, but it could also bring question of their legitimacy. I am really glad you asked this question and hope you will take my post in the good nature I intended. I think this can be good practice for you to fine tune your mum radar for when you have children of your own (if you and hubby decide to have children). Taking notes during practice such as this will help you develop a critical path to problem solving - critical path meaning sequenced order of importance to expediently arrive at a conclusion. In other words, the safety of your stepdaughter (and future children) is more important than her embarrassment. Had you begun inquiring of the program with her security and well being at heart, you might never have ended up asking a forum a question like this one. Problem solved by way of a much more significant and less delicate concern.