Dyinginside, Your husband stated that it will end in divorce because of you and his daughter. one thing: HE SHOULD NOT DEFINE HIS MARRIAGE TO YOU ON THE BASIS OF HIS DAUGHTER . PERIOD. BIg red flag here. and to top it off he's not interested in going to counciling now????? I agree with sweeby, you have leverage, use it. You are in your parents home. If your husband thinks that is where its heading and he has made the decision to not change this direction, because he's the one who can change this or at least put his foot down and say to his daughter, she is my wife i love her , stop treating her like Sh*t, then there is only two things you can do. 1. Tellhim counciling now and work it out while being at the parents house. Cause counciling does cost and financially you'ld be in better position to do this... 2. If he insists on no counciling and stays.....tell him to leave with his daughter. My feelings on this: If i were under my parents roof, in this situation and my husband said, well i've spoken to my daughter and she still doesn't like ..and i guess if that is the way its going to be between you then i guess i'll have to divorce you....I would tell him, pack your bags now and leave with your daugther please. I would tell him , i know you love me and you love your daughter but if this is the way you think then its obvious you have chosen your path and you want your daughter and there is no sharing of you between me and her. Please have a wondering life and take care of yourself and yoru daughter...Give him time to pack up and go to a relative until he cna find an apartment. WHy muddle through a situation when your husband has obviously made a decision not to act and to pick his daughter? I know you are in love with him but maybe he needs to be alone with his daughter to form a relationship with her and he can't handle the both of you.ITs sad. unless you all go to counciling i dont think this will work. You will be left alone and resent not acting faster.

Thanks for the advice so far- it is very helpful. Paigect, we had considered moving closer to his kids a year ago, but it is not an option right now because of our jobs. There are also issues with his ex harrassing him (obscene phone calls and the like) and it seems that the stress level for my fiance is lower with him living away from her. I am not clear as to how much the autistic child depends on his father as part of his routine. When he was in my house, the child was very stressed and wanted to leave the whole weekend to go home, although we did everything possible to keep him occupied. Because of this, I believe it is just too disruptive to him to be traveled. He also acted the same way in his grandparents' house for the first few months until he adjusted to the routine there. But, because of the severity of his condition, I do not know if he would even notice the difference between monthly and twice-monthly visits. I don't want to make that assumption having never been exposed to a developmentally disabled child, but it seems to me that an infant would notice her dad gone more than he will. When he was here, his father did most of the caretaking, but because the autistic child needs so much supervision, I ended up taking care of the girl the whole time and cooking all meals for the family, etc. which was hard because I had been working all week and had no down time(my job demands a lot of me during the week). It is true that I have not been as active as I should be with going with my fiance to visit his kids at his parents'. This has been largely due to my pregnancy, but I do agree that after the baby is born I could, and plan to, take a more active role in going up there with him and spending time with the kids. The baby's grandparents will want to see her, regardless, and it is important to me that we are providing them with that opportunity. My fiance is trying to make alternate arrangments with his brother to bring the kids to the brother's house once a month to alleviate the stress on his ill mother. I hope his brother will accomodate this. I feel that it is not only exhausting to the grandma and to me to have him driving so far every weekend, but to my fiance to make this trip twice a month. Once a month would be more managable, and there is no reason why a 13 year old could not take the train here alone (after a practice run with dad). I also agree that he feels a great deal of guilt for the situation his children are in due to having divorced parents and probably overcompensating. Compounding it, is his ex wife not handling the situation very well. She has been living with someone else for longer than we have been together, but seems to be very jealous that her ex is doing fine without her and about to start a family with someone new. I have never met or talked to her and prefer to keep it that way, and my fiance tries to keep a business-type relationship with her. However, she has been feeding information to the daughter that her father will not want to see her and the son anymore once the baby is born, and this has created jealously between the daughter and the baby even though the baby is not born. I can only hope that the daughter will grow out of this or that the jealousy will be smaller once she meets her little sister. I do not know if it is normal behavior for a 13 year old to express such extreme jealousy toward a baby sister (she tells her dad that he is ruining her life by having this baby, that she was happy being the only girl, that she hates the baby). Otherwise, she is well behaved with me and I have enjoyed having her here the 2 times she came to visit. I have a wonderful relationship with my stepmother and hope that over time we will, too. The ex wife is sure to be very unhappy if we try to reduce the amount of time he is picking up the autistic son, as she seems to want to go out to bars and party a great deal, and cannot find another babysitter. It seems strange to me that she never wants her kids on the holidays. What she thinks matters very little to me, but the fact that she drags the girl into it makes the situation harder. To me, it is not appropriate to say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child. I believe that my fiance has a certain level of fear that she will try to take the kids away from him (which is ridiculous, he is a wonderful father to those kids and she would have no grounds in court). It is a complicated situation, and I just don't want to be selfish and whiny about it. I understand that there are real challenges associated with marrying a man is divorced with kids from a previous marriage, but I also believe very strongly that my baby deserves a normal life, and I don't want my only baby to miss out on time with her father. Again, I have no idea how much an infant needs her father but I expect that being away from home 2 weekends a month would interfere with their bonding. I can handle a great deal here on my own, and he does work very hard to contribute to this household while he is here, but to be gone so much seems excessive. All of this, I have discussed with my fiance, and he understands, but I can tell he feels a great deal of guilt and I don't want to make him abandon his children. Just the opposite. I just want to make sure I am not out of line for feeling this way because I don't want to make the situation even more unfair for all involved when there are 3 kids this affects. Any more opinions on this, I would really enjoy hearing- and thanks again for the input.

I'm in your shoes and the problem is coming from the both of them, but your partner is the one to blame here because he is her parent and the adult here. He is allowing this behavior and by showing her you don't matter he is giving her power over the relationship and to drive a wedge between you. Read my post (that is also long and received few replies as well) about husband feeling like he's being made to choose. I didn't go into detail about particular incidents of things she did, but she came to live with us 3 years ago and the alienation of my opinions started right away and gradually increased. Every time that he did nothing drove me further away and caused me to not respect him- in fact I'm disgusted with him. Now she rules the house, says and does whatever she wants. Heaven forbid she doesn't get her way because she will bully her Dad until he gives in. I didn't fully disengage until she lied about me to get her way and in a separate incident two months later she embellished a story heavily to gain attention for herself and to make me look bad. She trash talks me (like she did her mother before moving here) with lies and half truths. Luckily for you, you only have to deal with her during visitation. Don't ever agree to her moving in full time or you will regret it. You need to talk with your partner and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will work on it. You and he should be the team. Not the kids. My husband always cried about being in the middle (but he consistently put himself there) and I recently told him that if we had been the team we should have been there wouldn't have been a middle! He needs to quit playing into her games. It's too bad that some girls have to act that way and sadly, they usually learn it from their mothers. This post was edited by tjlo on Fri, Jun 28, 13 at 7:08

My parents were married for 25 yrs when they divorced. Their marriage didn't come first at all. I don't know that even us kids came first...LOL. My mother has not re-married, but my father has. I have been on both sides of the fence with step-families. I was an adult when my father remarried. I have taken my approach with my SS's from what I have learned as a child of divorce, and from the mistakes his wife has made. 1. The marriage to my DH is of equal importance as his children. 2. The children need one on one time with their father regardless of how good our relationship is as a family. Whether intact or not, children need one on one time with each parent. 3. If anything were to happen to my DH, the chilren will recieve all monies from his life insurance policy, any items of his that they want, etc. It has been made clear to me and my siblings that we are not welcome to a personal relationship with our father. We are allowed to have one with him AND his wife (which is fine, but sometimes you need one on one with your parents) When I got married the first time, my father was dating his now wife. He brought her to my wedding. That was the first time I met her. They had come from out of state (about 1,000 miles) to our wedding. I welcomed her openly. She was awful. Very rude to my brothers, my mother, and disrespectful to my grandparents. She made it clear that she didn't feel that I was old enough to get married, and that she would never allow her daughter (same age as me) to get married. (I was young...21) Six months later, her daughter married a meth addict. Nice.... Anyway, over the years she's pulled some pretty crazy stuff. Alienating one of my brothers totally, and pi$$ing of the rest of us. Here's the thing. I still invite her to all family functions becuase she's my fathers wife. I remarried a while back, and she was invited to the wedding, and she sat with my in-laws, etc. I would never dream of treating her with any disrespect. I don't have to like what she does, but she is my father's wife, and that is the choice he made. My relationship with my father isn't what it use to be, and that's pretty sad, but that is his choice. I love him regardless. So, understanding both side of things, my goal is to foster a positive, fulfulling relationship between my DH and SS's. They all deserve it. What's funny, is that my DH would never allow me (or anyone else for that matter) to come between him and his kids. Nor would he allow my SS's to be disrespectful to me. I've been lucky, my SS's are very good to me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. I know I'd be crushed. I just don't think it's ever OK to exclude a bio OR step parent. When my SS had his 12th b-day party, he was mad at his mother still (he had moved in with us a yr before)and I told him "you invite your Mom, or no party...period". He got the message. We're teaching him tolerance. It can go a long way, just like manners.