I apologize in advance for how long this will be, I am in desperate need of advice and/or stories of other fulltime stepmoms who have survived. I've been with DH for 3.5 years, I refused to date him for over a year b/c I didn't want to deal with his drama (crazy BM & a child). I agreed to one date and we fell in love, got married and got pregnant shortly after. While we were dating BM made it clear I should not be involved in SS's life, which I was fine with and so was DH. DH only had him every other weekend and one night a week until 7 pm so it wasn't too hard to make other plans during that time.

About a week after our child was born, BM was killed by her boyfriend so we got full custody of SS. I got along with SS ok up until this point, mostly because we didn't see each other every day. My maternity leave was spent driving him 45 min each way to his school to finish out the year, therapy appts and getting him enrolled in a new school, daycare, etc. I have tried to be understanding because he has been through so much but I have reached the end of my rope. According to his teachers (both at this school & the previous school) and his long-time family doctor he has extreme behavior issues and cannot control his anger. In the middle of class or at recess he will just start screaming uncontrollably. His mom never enforced any rules and let him run the house according to the dr. Dr says she constantly gave BM parenting tips and had to lecture SS about listening to mom. At school he does not have any friends (he didn't in his old school either) and he was put on a behavior plan after a month for misbehaving (knocking over chairs, screaming in class, not listening, blaming other kids for things he did, lying, etc.). I was unaware of these issues, as was my DH, because we never had him in those settings and DH never went to school conferences or got involved. DH says that SS is just being a boy and the teachers have it out for him. He also blames BM because she had him for 8 years and screwed him up (moved around a lot, guys brought in and out of his life and I'm sure he witnessed a lot of violence). When we got him at age 8 he was still showering with his parents (BM at her apartment and DH at his home/here) and couldn't tie his shoes. He still can't write his letters, he "forgets" what directions they go.

I feel I have gone above and beyond as a stepmom despite the upfront agreement that I would have a minimal role in SS's life. I am not getting support from DH & SS is very rude to me. For example, he walked into the house today and I was watching tv. He reached over, grabbed the remote & changed the channel to a show he wanted to watch. I told him he needed to ask going forward and he denied changing the channel. DH just stood there. For Christmas I went out and got all of his gifts, DH typically just gives him cash. He got everything on his list, including a $200 game system, but when anyone asked how his Christmas was he said he was upset he didn't get enough presents. I just found out I am pregnant again (a shocker b/c I had an IUD) and DH & I are fighting more then ever. DH has class once a week and right now I pick up both kids (2 different daycares) and watch them. I am sick to my stomach the whole day on those days and already dread having to watch 2 babies and SS (mostly the taking the babies in/out of the car to pick up SS & cook him dinner while watching the babies). I tried to talk to DH about it tonight and he blew up on me. It's frustrating b/c I own the house, am the primary breadwinner and do all of the caretaking for our daughter. DH has a substance abuse problem that he had under control until we got custody of SS (he smokes weed and drinks heavily every night now). I can't risk him having our daughter every other weekend (I already talked to a divorce lawyer and she said that he would get at least that unless he was arrested), especially considering SS's anger issues. I have gone to individual therapy which helped a little but all I want to do is disengage/detach. I feel bad for SS but I am done investing anything more then the bare minimum until DH supports me and SS starts showing me respect. Any advice on how to improve this situation and/or not lose my mind or marriage is greatly appreciated.