I know this is a little goofy and off-topic, but I just have to mention it because this one (actually these three things) have been bugging me for years. We hear dire warnings about the fresh water runoff from the melting ice shelfs and glaciers in the North Atlantic; terrible because it will do two things: raise sea levels, and shut down the salt-driven Global Ocean Conveyor current (the mother of the Gulf Stream) because the water at it's start in the North Atlantic will lose the saltiness that makes it sink and start the conveyor. And we hear dire warnings about droughts; droughts just everywhere, and bound to get worse. And here's the third one: lots of dire warnings about building desalinization plants for fresh water in Florida - they say we can't do THAT because all that waste salt from the plants would contaminate our soils. With me so far? Now here's the kicker: NOBODY in Florida, NOBODY in the whole U.S., and as far as I know NOBODY in the whole world is trying to HARVEST all that glacial runoff before it reaches the sea. Or trying to ADD the waste salt from desalinization plants to the North Atlantic Conveyor headwaters. The land is crying out for water, and they just let it run into the sea. The sea is crying out for salt, and they just plow it into the ground. I know that's WAY, WAY over-simplifying a complex problem; but still doesn't it seem like we could devote a few of our million oil tankers to carrying water here and salt back instead? It just bugs me that no country even gives it a try.

Over 10 years ago I had to have a double mastectomy. When they originally went in there were not sure if it was cancer-turned out both breasts were completely full of pre-cancer. They removed all of the tissue (left my nipples-but scraped them). I had a friend who had also had to have this done and 2 year later she died from cancer of the ovaries. When I met my husband (we've been married less than 2 years) I was having problems with them leaking-common after about 10 years, and knew they would have to be replaced. WE married and he picked the surgeon (works with surgeons so said he knew the best). I had the surgery and I feel they look and feel better. This was a year ago this month. The only comments he has EVER made are painful. Such as; well you know you have a dent in this side, they are not the same side, they should have more projection, he should have done this... I think he could have done better....never one kind loving word. I have cried and cried and begged him for one kind word. Never. I have even explained to him that if he could look at me through the eyes of love maybe he would be able to say some thing nice. I know in the past relationships he had breasts are a biggie for him-bit I guess I didn't realize how big. I now cannot find it within my soul to have a physical relationship with him. Because when he does touch me (not very often) it just reminds me of what he has said and how he reacts to me when he walks in and I have my bra off. I feel ugly and hurt. Today he just left mad-because he says he doesn't understand why I don't want to have a physical relationship-after I explained to him how I feel and said I only think about MY feelings. Am I being unfair. Should I work at displacing my pain -what to do? I feel like I am old and ugly and just an object to take care of a need when he has one. (which is maybe once a month and it didn't start out that way)...what to do or think? Any thought's...

All of the posts on this thread made my head ache. I am a step mom. But before I was a step mom, I raised three children (as a single parent for many years) and I was in my ex's three children's life for seven years. (we never married but their mom saw them, maybe once a year) So, I can see both sides as a step mom AND bio mom. My son also had a step mom and I have a step mom as well. First, I would say that if dad doesn't spend much time with his first child when you were just dating, then it should have been a clue before you married him and then had another child with him. He does not sound like an interested parent at all, regardless of how involved he says he was the first time. His actions in your presence when he was BF speak volumes about his desire to parent. Second, you have a choice to build a relationship with his daughter or not. There's no need to resent HER. She didn't choose to be born, she didn't choose to have a disinterested father, she has NO choice in her living situation. I would also disagree that you should resent your DH because you KNEW he didn't spend time with her, yet you still married him. YOUR BAD!! Not his. Third, if she has a problem with you, it is most likely due to her dad (which I'm sure she wishes he paid more attention to her) paying more attention to YOU and now the new baby. It's normal in an intact family when a new baby comes along that the older child might feel jealous. Befriending her and letting her "help" with the baby might make her feel a part of the family. If she is following you, she sounds interested. One thing that I have not seen addressed here (and I'm fairly new to this forum) is feelings toward the child based on the other parent. My SD looks & acts like her mom, which kinda makes it a little harder to get along sometimes. That is something you have to acknowledge if it's a problem and then work on separating it mentally. I do realize it shouldn't have anything to do with it and I do remind myself all the time that she's not a mini version of her mom. She acts like her mom because children model after their parents. And I guess if you dislike the other parent and that child reminds you (or your spouse) of the other parent, it can cause problems. And lastly, we all think our new babies are "perfect" and in a way, they are. That is, until we screw them up with our baggage and issues. If your child grows up with a mom that can resent a five year old for existing, then that WILL affect him. That is his sister whether you like it or not. He will resent you if you damage that relationship. Your husband may or may not care about his relationship with his daughter but if he does care and you are the reason she gets out of his life, HE may resent you too.

Hi No it is not wrong to be resentful but its not healthy over the long term. I have been at this stepfamily game for 17 years. My stepdaughters are adults and it has never improved. They lived with us for several years. Bio mom is a piece of work...I won't say anymore. My husband longs for a big happy family and he is FINALLY realizing that it wont happen and he has FINALLy acknowledged that I have tried and he has FINALLY acknowledged that despite what his daughters tell him e.g. " we want a relationship with her...that would be me"...they don't do anything to reciprocate. I have lived through the non gifts, the gifts with only their dad's name on them, the whining if they didn't get want they wanted, the demands for money, the accusations over ...well...anything and a couple of years ago I just said to myself and husband...I am done. I don't invite them over anymore...if he wants to see them...he can invite them...I don't buy Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, anything anymore...he does it all. Now that there are grandchildren...husband buys for all of them and visits by himself. No one seems to mind...which was proof that is what they wanted all along. So our children from our marriage stay home with me and husband visits with stepdaughers after Christmas...by himself. Irony is ex-wife has left her third husband (again) and now lives with one of them so my husband has to co-habitate in same house when he goes to visit. He won't stay in a hotel because he doesn't want to hurt the daughters feelings. By the way...they have been divorced for 23 years!!!!!!!!! Translation...whenever he has shared he doesn't want to see exwife...daughter's have a melt down and then box him out for months at a time. It's all bizarre, very bizarre. So I focus on my marriage, my kids, my career and leave all of the batshit crazy stuff behind. It is liberating no longer being the scapegoat, it is liberating just being what they always accused me of...distant...which I have years of proof that would demonstrate otherwise. I have sent olive branches over the years to the bio mom, when her son from her first marriage (not my husband's son) tried to commit suicide...I sent her flowers and a note card encouraging her, reminding her that she was a good mom...nothing...not even an acknowledgement of receipt of flowers. I have invited her to Christmas dinner when she was "split" from her third husband for the 900th time...no acknowledgement...I did it for the kids not for me...believe me. She lied and told one daughter she paid for college tuition and blamed us for not carrying our share when we paid for the WHOLE tuition!!!!! You are damned if you do and damned if you don't...so I don't. Is it sad? Yes, it is sad because you know it could have been so much nicer. I kept hoping that when they grew up, had kids of their own...well they are in their late 20's and early 30's and it has never changed...I came into their father's life 5 years after their mom left him for another man so I had nothing to do with their divorce. I have made mistakes but the one thing I have always wanted is the benefit of the doubt, assumption of positive intent and those quite frankly are two very mature concepts that don't live very often in a blended family. I know this may sound depressing and one could continue to believe that hope springs eternal...but am afraid to say that it won't likely happen...it is too painful for these "kids" to like you as it stirs up all of these emotions: disloyalty to their mom, the fact that the divorce may have been a good thing, their parents won't ever get back together, the elimination of a scapegoat vs their own accountability...too tough to give all of that up. So...no you aren't wrong to feel resentful...but my advice is to give that up quickly and move to not expecting anything, don't kill yourself over their approval, it is what it is and the sooner you accept that fact I am living proof to say that the happier you will be and the drama will begin to dissipate. Be strong...you are doing amazing things.