I don't know if this will answer your question from a biological parent's perspective, but in my case, rather than co-sign a student loan, I just took out Parent PLUS loans for the portion of the costs left after what my kids contributed plus the grants, scholarships, and the Stafford loans etc. that are in the student's name. By the time all my kids finish college, I will owe well over 100,000 - probably much more, with the way tuition is rising. If you cosign a loan, it is pretty much the same as having the loan in your name only as far as its impact on your credit, the interest rate on the PLUS loan is a little bit better, and I can take the interest off my taxes, so it seemed like a better deal. I believe I owe my children a college education, minus what they can get in loans and what I ask them to contribute from their summer earnings and all of their work/study earnings. Some of them have already expressed that they want to pay me back, and I really appreciate that, but I don't feel they are obligated to.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you mentioned that your SS was living with you right before he enrolled in college. If that was the case, the computation of his financial need took into account your income and assets as well as your husband's. I think the fair (although not necessarily simple, especially when the stepparent has children as well) way to figure out the stepmother's obligation (or the stepfather's when the situation is reversed) is to compute the student's EFC with and without the stepparent in the picture. The difference would be what the stepparent should contribute to his or her stepchild's college education. It is certainly what the college expects.

I am not saying that it is all right for him to default, because he signed paperwork that said he would pay, but if it were I, I wouldn't have had him take a student loan that needed a cosigner in the first place. I would simply have borrowed the money myself, and assumed it would be my debt.

I even better idea would have been for your H to get a PLUS loan. Was he not able to qualify? You can qualify as long as you don't have an adverse credit history; there is no income test involved. If a parent can not qualify because of an adverse credit history, the student is eligible for a considerably larger Stafford Loan, which would be in his name.

Dana,

I'm not sure if TOS actually answered the question you posed, namely, will a parent end up resenting his or her spouse if the children become estranged.

It doesn't sound to me as if you've done anything wrong, but resentment or anger in a relationship often isn't based on facts, but on feelings.

In my humble opinion, this exact situation is what makes a stepmother's role as difficult as it is. My father loves my stepmother (though he acknowledges her many problems) but I have heard from him a growing, deep-seeded anger at her and what she has done to estrange him from his family. I think he's at least partially to blame, though he's not willing to accept that responsibility.

He is still with her, but when I or my siblings see or talk with him, he often refers to his wife in a dismissive or angry way. He calls her "the old rip" and "the nag" or just "she," as in "I'd love to do it, but if SHE found out, there'd be hell to pay." I doubt he does it to be her face, in any way, but the fact that he's voicing it to others illustrates how angry he is. And although I dislike my stepmother, I find it troubling that his anger with her goes so deep.

So, I guess my answer is yes. Whether it's your fault or not, I think there must be some resentment there. That said, I think you've done much to alleviate it and that, if your husband acknowledges it at all, he knows it's an unfair resentment. You've both been to counseling, which is a huge step in repairing broken relationships. I think you've handled the situation as responsibly and lovingly as you possibly can.

I hope that helps.

Several of my children are estranged from my exH, to varying degrees up to an including having nothing to do with him, an part of that is because his current wife is not only instrumental in his refusal to contribute toward their college costs as required by the separation agreement, and both her wealth and her refusal to allow him to even complete the financial application has made it impossible for them to attend private schools. He, himself, told the children that he didn't complete the paperwork because his wife was too wealthy (even though the schools practically begged him to at least fill it out and give the child a chance of getting some aid). When he gives them a gift, he insists that they thank his wife, because it is always, "She actually paid for it." This, in spite of the fact that he works full-time, so he is not without funds himself. He has made no secret of the fact that the reason they are almost never allowed to visit is that his wife doesn't want them there. To some extent it seems that he is encouraging them to blame the things that the children resent and are hurt by on his wife rather than on him.

But does he seem to resent his wife for their estrangement? That is hard to say. On the one hand, he seems to want them to blame her. However, as far as I know, he doesn't say anything directly negative about her to them. He tells them it is their fault that they aren't allowed to visit, etc., because they don't haven't developed a relationship with her or because they supposedly don't treat her well enough. If it sounds a bit passive-aggressive, it is.

In regard to my earlier post, I can sort of understand why your SS might justify defaulting on the cosigned loan, if he thinks that he shouldn't have had to take the loan to begin with. I don't think I should have had to pay the mortgage on the house that my husband and I owned when he was the one who left, I had no income at all, he paid no alimony and the amount of child support he paid left us in poverty. I don't think I would have been shafting him had I defaulted on that loan and on the college loan we had taken out. However, it would have destroyed my credit, I, not he, would have been homeless, and I had signed the paperwork agreeing to pay so I was obligated to (which I wouldn't have signed had I known what he was going to do, of course). Of course your SS's default didn't do his credit any good - but I guess that is not as important to him as it should be.

My older children have told me that if I ever took my exH back, they would never visit if he were home. I guess it that that would be a case of them blaming him for the hypothetical estrangement. Would I resent him for that - you bet. Not only that, but I think it would be a deal breaker - I don't think I'd want him back if it meant that my children were estranged from me, even partially estranged. Also, if I ever were to have another SO, and my kids didn't like him or didn't want to be around him, he would be outta there.

Dana, you said that you think you would be resentful. It is clear that you are absolutely devoted to your children, which I think is admirable. What would you do if your children, as adults, became estranged from their father for some reason, and consequently didn't ever come home to visit?

I think most people tend to be angry at people who have seen them be embarassed, seen them made to feel diminished, or seen them at their worst for whatever reason. Even when it is *totally* not the witness's fault! For example, someone who gets drunk and makes a fool of himself at a co-worker's home will resent that co-worker for having seen his foolish display. It's only by having the witness insist that the behavior was fine and no cause to be ashamed that the witness can be forgiven.

Your 'crime' is simply having standards, and realizing that SS isn't living up to even the most minimal expectations. For some reason, his enabling dad is still willing to change the figurative 'poopy diapers' of SS's life and deny that they stink.

I wouldn't resent a spouse for this type of situation, but then, I tend to be more rational than emotional when it comes to things like this.

but what the friend said is

'"Well, he said he is going to call you (looking at DH), and I guess he's afraid to face you (looked at me) so he's still playing this game, hiding out, not doing much of anything else..."

I later asked her just why he's afraid of me. She said that the last time the two of them were over to our place together, before the fire when we were living in our office, she had said that someone asked him when he was going to get a job, and that I chimed in to some degree and said, "Well, yeah, most men your age DO join the work force." Also, she said that he's embarrassed about the student loan that he's shafted me on - just not embarrassed enough to want to work and pay it off himself.'

She didn't say he's angry.

She said he's hiding out, he's evading responsibility, he's afraid to face you, *he's playing a game*.

He knows he hasn't fulfilled his responsibilities, he knows he's taken advantage of you, he knows you know it, & he knows you'll call him on it.

He isn't embarrassed to call his dad because his dad doesn't hold him accountable for his behavior.

Let this one go, don't even think about it.

If hubs decides to resent you over this nonsense, hubs needs to get a life.

Thanks to all. I'll write more later - on my way to the zoo w/ the little ones and a very high maintenance friend - wish me luck (DH is going too, but we're hoping to still catch some college football later!)

TOS: We paid for SS to attend his first four years of school outright. In his fifth, he took out a GSL (has defaulted on it), didn't finish school, needed a sixth year which is when I was asked, being the one w/ decent credit to cosign for it. I knew he was always spoiled, but didn't believe I'd end up here. So, my question wasn't really whether I did the wrong thing - thought it was right at the time, thought w/ the change in majors he needed more help, but now I really don't know what he was doing, if anything w/ his classes, attempts towards a degree, etc.

Sweeby - you nailed it! I've seen that all over - w/ my former SIL, SS, and many people. Thanks.

Lily - I agree. Thanks for responding.

Sylvia - Luckily, I can't do anything, I guess. You're right. So far, so good w/ DH, but I do wonder what will happen down the road, etc.

Dana

Hi Dana,

someone once told me that the fastest way to lose a friend is to loan them money. If someone asks for money, you should give it to them if you have it, but then say "I'm giving you this and you don't have to pay it back, but never ask me for money again." Anyway, I know it doesn't help much in this situation, but maybe it will sometime else down the road.

As far as SS goes, he is ashamed to face you, not afraid. He is ashamed that you will ask him about the loans and what is he going to say? That he is inconsiderate and irresponsible? NO, then would he would have to admit his guilt and take responsibility for his actions and it doesn't sound like he is ready to do that yet. Hopefully, one day he will be, but it is not and never will be your fault if he chooses not to.

I am not sure if DH will blame you or not, but I can tell you that he shouldn't. Legally, stepparents are not responsible financially for skids and your money should not be calculated into student loans or child support. It was nice of you to offer to sign, but you never had to. It is also totally acceptable that you would want SS to take responsibility and pay back the loans. I think anyone would want that. After all, the agreement was for you to sign for the loans, not pay for college for him.

If DH holds you accountable, well then tell him to get out and not let the door him in the a$$ on the way out. You have put up with enough of his crap. He is lucky to have you and if he doesn't see that by now then too bad for him. You seen like a great person and you deserve to have a good life.

BTW, to all those people out there who think they are doing a favor to their kids by taking out huge student loans, please think about this. If you are taking out large loans that you will likely not be able to pay back or if it will be a struggle to pay back, then what are you doing about your retirement savings? I mean, you may think that you are helping your kids, but if you aren't able to save and plan for your retirement, who do you think will get stuck caring and paying for you when you are older? If you really want to help out your kids, plan to not become a burden to them when they are trying to start their lives.

ecks,
My kids fully intend to support me if necessary if I ever reach the point when I absolutely can't work anymore. They don't see it as a burden. I think it is perfectly reasonable for me to take on loans to enable them to go to college, and it is perfectly reasonable for them to help support me in my old age if necessary. I don't plan on retiring - I can't imagine what I would do with myself if I didn't have kids at home and didn't work, and my job is not terribly physically taxing. I hope I die with my boots on, as it were, but if I were to get so sick I couldn't work, I don't think it would be that big a deal for my kids to support me. There are a lot of them, so the cost would be spread out.

Colleges use two methodologies for computing the expected family contribution. The federal methodology takes into account only the custodial parents' income and assets - but it DOES include the income and assets of stepparents who are married to the custodial parent. It makes no difference if there is a pre-nup absolving the stepparent of financial responsibility for the children's education, because two individuals can not make an agreement that affects the federal government.

Many colleges, including many, many private ones, use the Institutional methodology. This varies by college, but in general they also take into account not only the non-custodial parent's income, but that of his or her spouse as well. Sometimes the spouses income is only taken into account to the extent that it makes more of the NCP's income disposable. For instance, if the NCP married Bill Gates, then the colleges would assume that all of the NCP's basic needs could be taken care of by her spouse, and all of her income would be available for college, and they would add in a percentage (I think around 30%) of it to the EFC. Some schools go farther and add in a percentage of the total NCP + spouse income into the EFC, totally eliminating any chance of aid for the SC of a millionaire, even if the NCP is disabled and can't work at all.

TOS,

you don't need a prenup to be excluded from financially caring for SC. Many SP choose to b/c we love and care for the child, but as you often remind us, we are not "real" parents, so why should we pay the very "real" bills?

About the issue of paying for college, you say your kids don't mind and will gladly take care of you, but I think I remember you posting about how they already don't live by you, so it may make it difficult for them. I love your work ethic and I think it is admirable, but if you don't die with your boots on, as you say, your kids may have trouble paying medical bills, rent, housing, food for you. What if they have kids and you tell them that it is only right to pay for their kids college, then they are stuck paying for you and their kids and they probably haven't planned that far, so they will be strapped and you will feel badly. Also, even if they want to care for you, who is to say that their spouses will, do you really want to cause a disruption in their marriage? You can say what you will, but your kids can take out their own student loans, you won't be able to take out a retirement loan.

I think what TOS is saying is that it is not fair for a potential SM to marry Dad if that will result in less financial aid for Stepchildren and she is not willing to step up to the plate. I agree. I think the federal method is unfair, and should be changed, but until then, it is a problem.

Is there a diffrence between financial aid and a guaranteed student loan?

I didn't qualify for financial aid, despite the fact that my parents were lower middle class and there was no way they could pay for my undergrad at a top private university. Trying to do so wout not only compromise their retirement, but their day-to-day living, as well. I never expected that my parents (mom and stepdad) should have to do that for me, not when I was fully capable of putting myself through undergrad and law school. I did this with a combination of scholarships, student loans and working. My DH did this, as well.

DH and I have the means to put all 5 of our children through college, and we will. However, we both feel that graduate school is beyond what we should be financially responsible for as parents. If any of our kids wants to go beyond undergrad, they should, by the age of 22 and with a college degree, be able to figure out how to pay for it.

What I don't understand is the attitude that parents "owe" their children a college education. We don't "owe" our kids that, but we are fortunately in a position to be able to provide, and it certainly should never be taken for granted by our children. However, if we could not afford college educations for our kids, is there anything wrong with the kids working, getting student loans, going to community colleges for the first two years, etc.?

And I'm sure that TOS and kkny will blast me for this, but I am absolutely insisting that my dear 17 yo SS attend the local community college for his first two years. The final numbers are in, and we've spent in excess of $100,000, out-of-pocket, in the last six months for residential treatment. In case anyone's counting, that's a 4 year degree at some universities. Also, SS does not need the temptations of freshman year in a fraternity house.

Back on track - I believe that I have gone WELL above and beyond the call of duty for this 'kid'. $.50 of every dollar DH spent for FOUR years was MINE - probably more. No loans, no job (while in school or in summer), no sport required for FOUR years. When he couldn't get his act together after four years, he had to take out a GSL for year FIVE. Still not a graduate, DH came calling on me...and so my undoing began.

Anyway, I think it is a bit of a stretch to believe that every stepparent, esp. those mistreated by skids, will jump through hoops to help out the skids. My situation was worse in that the mother REFUSED to help at all - her money, by then, 'was going towards her tithe' at the church (cult) she joined, lol, or so she claims... frankly, I think she's pretty tight.

My main question was whether or not my DH would resent me in the future for his son's stupidity in being too ashamed to face me again????? It had nothing to do w/ how to get a kid financial aid - just wondering if somewhere deep down, DH feels SS would have returned were it not for having to face me? DH says all the 'right' things about SS (I've asked, he says he knows it isn't my fault, SS is just being lazy and entitled, even says SS is mad at him for taking away the car and telling him to get a job or finish school - we are BOTH sick of creditors calling us about SS defaulting on other things), but still I wonder how things are deep under the surface.

TOS,KK - even you have to admit that this guy was afforded every opportunity to make something of himself - talented academically, four years paid by us, then two more on loans - shouldn't that be enough for a trained monkey to get a degree? Well, it isn't all his fault. Fr. year at Pitt (turned down Bright Futures to go to a state FL college, later transferred to a private FL univ.) he called me once and said that his voice teacher had a really bad attitude. "What happened?" I asked. SS: "Well, these idiots gave me a 9 am singing class - my voice isn't even warmed up then so it's just stupid. I don't even like the mornings anyway, and I got there about 25 min. late and she acted like she was doing me a favor by still sitting there waiting on me...." I was dumbfounded! That's my SS - thinks the world should wait on him...

Dana

Tamar,

How on earth did you pay your own way through college for four years? I can see doing so at a community college, but even a state university runs around $18,000 a year for in-state, not including books and travel. The merit scholarship that you can get based on state tests saves you a whopping $1500. You are only allowed to earn about $2000 in work-study, and almost half of that goes toward books. The maximum federal Stafford loan freshman year is only $3500. So that leaves about $13,500 - at a wage of $7.50 an hour, you would have to work 35 hours a week year round in addition to 10 hours a week of work study while in college - and that doesn't take into account taxes.

Commuting is not feasible when you live over an hour away, and in any case, that pretty much requires that the student have a car, and that is expensive too.

Private colleges often give merit and/or need based grants, and in some cases, I ended up with less debt for the children who went to private colleges (especially before my exH remarried) than to public ones.

There is also very little merit based aid available to transfer students, so it is often a better idea not to start out at the college from which you would like to graduate. In addition, sometimes colleges do not accept all your credits, and if you transfer it may take longer to graduate and consequently cost more.

My oldest paid her own way through graduate school. I did not feel obligated to pay for graduate school, but I definitely believe that parents owe it to their children to send them to college.

ecks,

I don't have any assets to speak of, so if I got really sick when I was elderly I would qualify for government subsidized health care. I have kiddingly told the kids that I would divide up the year moving from child to child - but even if they had to pay for an unsubsidized one bedroom apartment and food for me, after what I am guaranteed to receive in benefits at retirement, it would be less than $3.00 a day per child, probably much less.

Dana,

Why didn't he at least have an unsubsidized Stafford loan? Those are always in the student's name alone, they don't enter repayment until after graduation, and paying them back is a great way to establish a credit history. Obviously they only cover a tiny portion of the total tuition, but there really isn't much of a downside to them.

Oops, that was supposed to read:

"so it is often a better idea to start out at the college from which you would like to graduate"

I have often said that it was much easier to make one's way through college when I went 25 years ago. Back then, if I remember correctly, my annual costs were about $12,000. I had a large academic scholarship from my stepdad's union (I guess SPs are good for something), and I often worked two part time jobs, one in retail during the Christmas holidays, and the other one at Kraft Foods as a file clerk. During the summer, I worked full-time at Kraft and took classes that I knew would transfer at the community college. Incidentally, Kraft Foods would pay 100% tuition of full-time employees who were part-time students, both undergrad and grad school. That definitely would have been an option for me if I had run out of money. I never would have wanted to put my parents in the position of having to count on government subsidized health care in their old age.

My sister also worked her way through the U of I-Champaign. She actually worked in a manufacturing plant at night. I'm not sure if it was full or part time, but I know it was at night. She did this, and still graduated Bronze Tablet, which is graduating in the top 3% of her class. I will admit that our parents did provide us with old junky cars, on which they paid the liability insurance. (You have no idea how cool it was to park my 10-year old, rusted out Chevy Nova in front of my sorority at Northwestern, where I was the token non-blond.)

My DH went to an Ivy on some sort of combined athletic/academic scholarship, and worked part-time in the microfilm department (this was 35 years ago).

I have many friends who worked their way through college, grad school or law school. The one that I have always admired was a close friend that worked his way through the University of Illinois-Chicago. It took him 7 years, but he graduated with an electrical engineering degree by working nights as a security guard ("highly trained security personnel" in his words), all the while taking care of his terminally ill mother. He now runs a group at MicroSoft.

My point is that there are many ways to get a 4 year degree, and that it should not be incumbent upon parents who CANNOT afford it to have to sacrifice their financial security or compromise their retirements. I just could not do that to my parents with any clear conscience.

TOS - Good for you for doing what YOU feel is right by your kids. Just because you are willing to make those personal sacrifices does not mean every family should. We are doing the same for our 5 kids, but we can afford to. I guess I will just hope that everything works out for you and all your kids. You know, no divorces and remarriages to evil second wives who would just as soon have you put out on the street ...

Tamar,

Just saw this - posted on the new thread. I think you're amazing! Way to go and what a nice, refreshing attitude you have had - a far cry from so many who think the world, their parents and stepparents owe them their degree on a silver platter!

My DH also graduated from an Ivy on athletic/academic scholarship and need-based aid as I don't think they did full athletic back then (football - he was the captain when I was a year old....lol.) SS was moritified that they didn't accept him. While he had outstanding grades, he didn't have the SAT scores needed (1400 by old standards, his were in the 1200's.) We told him after taking the SAT once that he should take them again. He was signed up, showered, but his 'hair' wouldn't cooperate and he was getting a late start, so he decided not to bother....

TOS,

I honestly don't know much about the Stafford loans at all - heard about them when I was a student, but I had a full athletic/academic ride, thankfully. Dental was done by student loans.

I do know that SS apparently had a GSL he didn't need a cosignor for as they call on a regular basis to see if we know where he is, have any #s for him, etc. I believe it was year #5. As for the rest, DH used to operate independently in these matters. I felt SS had no business transferring to UM, a very expensive, private univ. when he had scholarship $ to attend a state school here. I also felt that he had no business leaving Pitt w/o discussing it w/ us. Sadly, DH learned the hard way, and I learned the expensive way. I still am shocked - I knew about his prima donna ways and all, but never thought he'd be satisfied living like this. What a waste of a life! I still pray daily for him to be safe, get it together, etc.

Dana

I don't see it as a personal sacrifice, any more than spending money to feed and house your minor children is. My state sees it the same way, as both parents are normally required to contribute to college and child support continues up until age 23 if the child is still a full-time student.

Unless you are lucky enough be very talented with your hands and have the opportunity to enter a skilled trade, if you don't go to college it is almost impossible to get a job that can support a family. I would have starved to death if I had tried to support myself as a carpenter, a plumber, or a seamstress. The vast majority of jobs that don't require a college education are service jobs, and they pay very poorly. Twenty-five years ago it was probably possible to work your way through college, and it was definitely possible in the 50's to get a decent job without a college education, but that isn't the case anymore.

Dana,

sorry to go off about college stuff. I have to agree with others and say that you shouldn't worry about DH unless it becomes a problem and he starts to resent you. In the meantime, let go of your worries and trust that everything will be okay.

TOS,
I actually paid my way thru undergrad and grad school. I graduated from undergrad in 98 and grad school this year. I paid for undergrad by working 4 jobs a quarter--I waited tables at night, worked on a school newspaper between classes, gave campus tours between classes, and taught english as a second language on the weekends. I still managed to graduated with a high GPA and I feel that I have been more successful than many friends b/c I understood responsibility when they didn't. Grad school was paid for by my employer, but I accepted the job and stayed there mainly for the benefits. I am now at another company and I am able to do more of what I love. The point is, there are trade offs and I was willing to make them for my future and for my family's.

I also wanted to say that I am not trying to sound harsh. I gather from your other posts that you were vulnerable in the past your husband really took advantage. I am sure that your children will care for you, but I think it is wise to protect yourself, even if you think it is too late, there are still things you can do to take care of yourself. For example, you can become a seasonal employee at the IRS for 10 years and have guaranteed medical benefits for life (not just subsidized) or you can start to invest in a 401k and your employer may even make additional contributions. You seem like a smart person, so don't put your blinders on and hope for the best. You can change this now. Anyway, you should do whatever works for you.

I have pretty decent benefits, since I work for the government (not the federal). I would never work for private industry again. I hated everything about it.

Hi all. Just my two cents worth. My parents were not pro education. Also, they had five kids. My dad worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. I never felt angry that they did not pay for my education.
I did not start college until my son was 3 months old. I went to school from Fri night to Sunday. My husband at the time, watched our son while I was in class. I worked very hard and received a partial scholarship to the School of the Art intsitute in Chicago. It took a total of 6 years for my to get my BFA. I worked at all sorts of jobs while earning my degree. Also, my 26 year old worked full time and went to school part time to get his degree. I was so proud of him. I hated watching him struggle, but the experience really made him strong. I don't think that kids should just be handed a free ticket for college. I think my SS would NEVER have majored in musical performance if he had to work to PAY for it. He took it all for granted.
I spent years of vacations (summer, spring, x-mas) and I was amazed that he never once picked up his instrument.
I really don't think he took college seriously at all. To be honest, I think college has become a continuation of high school in the US. For alot of kids, all it does is allow time to delay maturity.

Susan

Susan,

You've made some great points that I don't disagree with at all! I'm w/ you all the way here - tough to watch our loved ones struggle, but tougher to watch them flounder as things are handed to them. Like ekcs said, she was much better off than many of her friends 'cause she worked her tail off for it all.

For me, an athletic scholarship was in the cards for So-Sr years. In H.S. I had suffered an illness that kept me out of the jr. circuit largely, so the athletic scholarship wasn't offered to me til I 'walked on' the team, beat out a number of the scholarship athletes, and earned it. Luckily, I had always done very well in school and got an academic ride for that first year.

When I was interviewing for dental school, a panel of three questioned me. One, was pretty normal, one a 'nerd' type, and one a very hip former athlete himself. The nerd asked, "Our program is equivalent to taking 26 hrs/semester. In undergrad, you seemed to take around 15 - how do you think you will be able to make that transition as you aren't used to that course load?"

I said that w/o tennis practice to occupy my time...and was interrupted by the former athlete who jumped in to say, "Do you realize the commitment it takes to be a four year letter winner in tennis? Her matches were on Tues, Wed, or Thurs - not just weekends. These kids are missing school weekly and she still maintained this type of GPA. Don't you know that her cumulative load was way worse than having a full time job? Please, I'll take an athlete w/ a decent GPA any day over anyone else. They're driven, successful, and disciplined - not to mention well-rounded!" It was very funny and the nerd just looked down....though he was later one of my professors, of course.

Dana

Dana, I don't know if you've read my other post on this forum, but my DH's children no longer have any contact with him, citing me as the reason. It has now been over two years, and he does not resent me. In fact, he has thanked me more than once for sticking by him and loving him despite the "difficult" people he comes with!

In regards to your SS, I think it is plain silly for him to be afraid to face you. My god, if he feels that bad about it, maybe he should get a job! It's a heck of a lot easier than trying to avoid you ;-P