I don't trust future son-in-law, what should I do?

suz16

My daughter is old enough to be his mother. I have no right to butt in to her life, I know that. These are some reasons. He told me he faked his results on a term paper. His parents said they're so glad he has my daughter because "he's crazy and she provides stability". He plays practical jokes on people all the time, to get back at them. He lies all time, just to be funny or to be an instigator. He's trying to establish a relationship with an estranged relative, I believe to acquire an inheritance. He had 2 pet birds that "flew away". He was alone in the house with my pet conure and when he left, the perch which had been tightly screwed on, fell off the cage. My daughter pays for everything. He lives with her, drives her car. Can't pay for things because he's paying off his student loan. She's old enough to make her own decisions, and I don't want to get in the way of her happiness, but I'm so worried for her. I'm getting sick over this and it's hard to plan a wedding under these circumstances.

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sylviatexas2
I'm so sorry;
I just can't see anything but disaster here.

While not claiming that it would be "nice" (nice is nice if you can afford it; when a loved one's happiness and welfare are at stake, you can't afford nice), I'd get a background check, through peoplefinders or some such, or through an investigator, &, if it showed criminal charges or something similar, I'd show it to her when I talked to her about the string of red flags.

Saying you don't like him or don't trust him, or even acting like you don't like or trust him, would make her defend him, but you *can* enumerate the things that are red flags, just as you have here.

One of the ways an abuser or user or charlaton takes control of his victim is by isolating her from family & friends, & the thing an abuser or user loves most is a relative who sees through the facade & tells the victim;
then the abuser can act all hurt & sensitive & crushed, & his victim will rush to his defense & isolate *herself* from her family & friends.

Meanwhile, change your locks, don't let him in your house, & let her plan the wedding, & if she "disinvites" you, tell her you love her very much.

I wish both of you the very best.
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divine_serenity_gw

(This is my first time on this board, so hi I'm shannon) I am so sorry you are going through this, how long have they been together? Perhaps you can ask her to push the wedding back, and use this as a time to evaluate the relationship. If it is a rushed relationship sometimes time is your best friend. I know that when my husband and I were together my mom didn't want me to marry him b/c she felt the age difference was too much (7 years). I did get angry and age is just a number, blah blah blah. We have been married for almost 12 years, and it is a struggle for me, but all marriages are. Do i think the age thing is the difficulty no, but it is the only argument she really had. He's a great dad to our 2 kids, and works hard, he's honest and good hearted, but we are very different people. I love to read, and would love to go back to school, that is not him at all. We don't enjoy the same types of tv shows so what little time we do get together is always a compromise as to who gets to enjoy the show and who's just along for the company.


How does he act during family gatherings like Christmas dinner or Easter etc. Does he isolate her, does he isolate himself? does he try to engage in the family gathering? These are all things that you can use in your discussion with her. I mean yes he's young and paying off student loans (heck 10 years out of school and I still have loans i'm working on) had we just lived on my husband's wage when we were younger we would be better off now so perhaps she is thinking along those lines that she will foot the bill now to be better off financially in the future. What are her plans for the future? Does she hope to travel, or have a family, does she feel that he would be suitable for these roles and be better off to not have those loan payments?


I'm with you though I don't like the practical jokes/instigator, and the lies, but she has to see that, if you present her with a background check and say see he isn't the person you think he is then she could get angry that you went behind her back to look up something bad against him to try to get between them. You really only need to find a way to make her question a situation. I don't have a good for instance coming to mind at the moment, but something that would make your daughter consider his true character. In a difficult situation lets say you're ill and need help, and she is unable to tend to you, would he be willing to step up and offer support for you be it taking a pet to the vet or coming over to take your trash out b/c you are on a strict lift restriction. These are true tests of character, any good and decent person would spare a few minutes to take the trash out for a loved one, perhaps if she sees that he can't be bothered to help out a family member in a time of need she will begin to question the long term. Just my thoughts, hopefully the right end will come what ever that might be.

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sylviatexas2
I realize that the above poster's heart is in the right place, but please do *not* make yourself vulnerable to this guy in the name of getting your daughter to see that he's a creep.

It sounds like divine serenity's mother's issue was solely the age difference, which is emphaticalLy not the case here.

Again, I wish you the best.

Take care of yourself.
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suz16

Thank you, you've both given me a lot to think about. I know my daughter likes being in charge, and helping people. He goes along with whatever she says as long as she's paying. So in that way, I guess the relationship works for both of them. My concern is that while he seems friendly and charming, I feel all his pranks mask a deeply felt resentment of others. He thinks he's being "funny" when he does things. I was invited to his sister's wedding, he told me all the guests and his mother would be wearing black cocktail dresses, and that I should too. That was a joke on me, that embarrassed me. He changed a word program on his boss's computer to turn common words into curses. He sends phony texts from my daughter's phone. He filled out a teacher evaluation form by saying the teacher always wears tattered clothes. His parents are very happy with this relationship, even though my daughter is nearly his mother's age. They had him in therapy, but my daughter thinks they were being overly protective. Most worrying to me is that I think he tried to injure my pet bird, so I don't know if he's capable of harming my daughter to inherit her stuff ahead of time. I can't tell if he's just a lazy, goofy, harmless, coddled kid, or a manipulative psychopath. You gave me the courage to mention a few things to her. She said she values my opinion and will talk to me further over the weekend. I don't want to get in the way if she's happy. So nervous now. Wish me luck!

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divine_serenity_gw

I wouldn't do anything to make your self vulnerable, I was simply using that as a for instance. If one of your daughter's family members was in need, would he step up to help out. That is the question i was posing, as it is a good gauge of character. I hope your conversation goes well. Make sure you are talking from a place of love, and let her know of your deep concern for her safety. Again perhaps planting the seed will get her to view his antics from a different angle and if nothing else slow the marriage thing down a little. As for the changing the word document to have curse words in it..that would be funny if say you did it to a sibling on april fool's day but it was only temporary, (like you saved the original in unaltered version) and NEVER to a boss…that shows his lack of respect for authority figures in general. I was just reading something recently about the difference between a sociopath, and a psychopath..wonder if i can find it. here is a chart comparing the 2. http://www.diffen.com/difference/Psychopath_vs_Sociopath

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suz16

Oh dear, I read the link you sent. I wouldn't be able to diagnose the difference. Perhaps I used the wrong term, but I really can't tell. I'm just a worried mom. I think he would help out if asked. He's offered to pet-sit for me, if I want to go away but I won't let that ever happen.

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popi_gw

His pranks are nasty, immature and troubling. What does your daughter think about the wedding incident, with you wearing a black dress ? He sends phoney texts from your daughter's phone ! What does she think about that ?

If I were you I would try to keep everything objective. For instance - Ask her what she thinks about a person who sends texts from other people's phones.

I know you are in a really difficult situation - not unlike my parent's situation when I got married. I married someone who they did not like and they told me ! I went through with it all, and have been married for 32 years ! So when it came to my DD dating a man who was 15 years older and not to my liking - I just kept my mouth shut - because I knew (from personal experience that if I said something she would have turned her back on me).

What kept me going was, I knew she was sensible, and had good life values, and that is what won out in the end. She came to the realization herself, that he was not a suitable person.

I hope my experience helps you in some way.

Ask your daughter about her future, get her to imagine her family life with him, where they will live etc. Does she like his family ?

All the best to you and your daughter.


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sylviatexas2
'his pranks mask a deeply felt resentment of others'
yes.

& the fact that he *says* he thinks they're 'funny' is chilling;
it's the kind of thing people say when they pull the wings off butterflies.

Don't let this guy near your pets.

I think you do know whether he's just a prankster or a sadist.

Again, I wish you the best.

Take care.
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rlee16

I think you may be dealing with someone with Narcissistic tendencies. Read this blog, not all Narcissists are as bad as the one she was with but it is a very bad place to be.

http://ladywithatruck.com/the-3-phases-of-a-relationship-with-a-narcisist/

My best friend (not the woman writing the blog) dated and almost married a Narcissist and we all looked past his lies because she was a grown woman and she was so in love with him. I thought she knew what she was doing and who was I to butt in? I did point out some things, like he said he'd been a professional hockey player, that his first wife faked a pregnancy and he'd had to give up hockey. I googled hockey players and his name never came up? Well so he didn't play, he only got drafted, he said. He's told her something when they first met to make himself seem like a better catch, a little white lie she said. Problem was that wasn't the only lie, they just continued and she was so in love that she looked past them.

I am soooo happy that she moved on and he found a different target before my friend completely lost herself and all her money to him. She did loose a good piece of herself, she questions everything now and also lost a lot of money before she got out but at least she got out.

The next woman got out too and we did try through her friends to tell her what she was dealing with but she refused to believe that he wasn't what he was portraying to her. Again, she was deeply in love, thought he was her soul mate.

He told lies constantly, even when the truth was better than the lie? He was an engineer, had a degree in business law and even a surgeon. All his exs were crazy and after his money, his help, or just him. They couldn't move on even though he'd tried to be nice and let them down easily. And he had dozens and dozens of affairs. After reading this blog, so much made sense about this man and I truly hope this isn't the type of man your daughter is involved with but if it is, don't let him into your life or even your house. Never ever give him money or your daughter for that matter. Just be there to pick your daughter up when he hurts and lets her down.

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Else

I'm sorry to tell you these things, but I think he's a dangerous person to be around and I would not have him visiting in my home. He's already hurting people but masks it by the silly-factor. But he's hurting them just like he hurt you. That was not funny! :(

I think the age difference in itself is a huge concern, this is not a healthy relationship in any way. Maybe she likes to feel needed and he needs a mother (although probably more so just want someone to take advantage of), and maybe it makes her feel young and attractive that a young stud wants HER! But this is supposed to be an upcoming marriage, not an adoption of a troubled child. Ask her if she really believes in her heart that he will be a great husband in the long run, and will be there for her, supporting her and protecting, helping her in daily life and when life gets rough (he isn't, even now...) And will he be a fantastic father of her children, loving and protecting them, be a strong role model, guide, teacher of good and bad, give them healthy boundaries, help them grow up and mature to one day be responsible, healthy, independent adults? I don't think so.

Definitely try to help her, but realize she may or may not listen. Some women (and men) will go ahead and make a poor choice even with all the warnings in the world. This marriage (if it happens) will not end well. I personally know so many who were warned not to marry a certain person, did it anyway, and have had nothing but problems. See if you can get her to read 10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, that might open her eyes to the danger of what's she's doing. It may be all cute to her now, but later on she'll need a MAN. This guy is a boy at best. A predator, perhaps (probably).

I'm very sorry, and I hate telling you these things because I know it will make your heart hurt so badly! I'd love to give you reassurance that it will be just fine. But I think you already know. So now, just work at reaching her. Definitely try your best to help her see that a huge life decision such as a marriage is worth pushing back to make sure she's making the right decision. Hopefully in that time she'll realize the mistake of being with him.

All the best to you and your daughter!!! (((HUG)))


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Tammy Haverer

I truly think the only thing you can do is to support your adult daughter's choices and be there for her. In the moment, that might take the form of helping her to plan this celebration. Which you can do, to support her, to give her this happy day. In my opinion, the best and only thing we can say to our adult children in a situation like this is "Honey, I will always be there for you." Even if you are right about this guy, she'll need to get to a place where she finds out for herself that he isn't the right person for her. You can't push her there.

When my sister decided to leave her abusive marriage--I think it helped to make her decision easier and the healing faster that her entire family was there to support her, and had been there all along (even at her wedding), without the "I told you so's," without lots of "advice" targeted at making sure she knew just how bad we thought he was. We helped her at the beginning and end of her marriage. If I had been estranged from her because I pushed my opinions and unasked-for advice on her, I wouldn't have been the first person she called.

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veronicasgrandma

do something about it before it's too late. It sounds nice and appropriate when people say support your daughter, be there for her, etc. but I am living proof that's not a good idea. If you know this guy is bad news, do whatever you can to stop her from marrying him. I thought that since my daughter was sensible and well educated, she would see the light herself so I chose to stay out of it and wait for that to happen. Well it didn't and now it's 10 years and 3 children later and she's married to every mom's worse nightmare when it comes to her daughter's spouse. My daughter still wants to prove everyone wrong while he's cheating on her, not working, committing crimes, you name it. Meanwhile my daughter supports her family with two jobs and completely takes care of her home on her own, and everything to do with their children. He does nothing! And she supports him. Please don't make the same mistake I did. I would give anything to go back and voice my opinion and steer her in the right direction. It might not have made any difference and it might not with you, but at least you can say you tried.

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tamraallen68

Hello Suz

Just curious how things are going with your relationship with your daughter and her relationship or marriage are going?

Thanks for sharing

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Lucille

I think your wedding gift should be an offer to your daughter to pay for the divorce.

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